I didn’t know where to put this and pretty much any other method of delivery I can think of comes with character limits so just a lot of rambling because that’s what I do
ok ok so I know we have already established text is a super shit way to go about all of this but also like there’s zero way that I will remember anything that I think of that I would like to say later when it’s actually being discussed and I will also very highkey not want to talk about this at all tomorrow even tho it has been previously discussed that it is coming and also be so wanting to avoid that I will probably be actually like genuinely annoyed at Jasmine which she will undeserve and I will try to push past but like mm
I am so unused
to like Jasmine and how she handles things ahhh
anyways so just like getting some of the basics kind out of the way
especially because I don’t... like... I know it possibly probably should be a car ramble of all three but since it has already been a one on one car ramble of jasmine and I it feels unbalenced and the preference is a car ramble of just you and I but even then like
I don’t remember how this one got brought up? and it wasn’t like all this makes it seems so serious and both the talk and the subject manner to me wasn’t ... really serious? like ehh
like just the basics were like I just... don’t know I don’t know anything
so it’s like I don’t
hesitant about labels because they come with outside expectations and I do not like that like I don’t like... like I feel as if there’s a weird box of sorts (currently) being established that I did not particularly want and it’s a large box not entirely uncomfortable but I just ljfakdjasf (I am going back and adding random commenary to myself as if this all wasn’t already confusing but this was a jump I jumped from one thought to another and then jumped again)
and anyways I don’t like I don’t .. and I didn’t even get it out fully with Jasmine but I don’t want ... to be like... I don’t want a ... I want open? which this all texting thing and Jasmine and such just seemed so ... no ok wait I need to finsih the open thought
jasmine and I in my pov for most of all of it previous to the text convo was I don’t want I want ... (an unrelated ramble as I follow a stream of consiouness) I don’t think this would go better in talk either because I am litterally typing how I am thinking which would be confusing either way just let me kinda... get things out
I don’t want to be in a relationship (?) (<- an attempt of sorts for tone)
labels like that feel like they come with expectations from both sides and I don’t particularly like that even tho I fully acknoledge that’s not really an issue with you and Jasmine that there isn’t going to be things I don’t like especially if I say i don’t like it like I know that that exists
but it’s that weird thing of just thinking I have to be one way when I don’t
I don’t want this to change and in a sense when I was speaking with jasmine I didn’t think it would. I mean obviously it’s a change. but waht I’m saying is like this attempt at talking via text made it all sound much more serious and label-y than I was thinking and expecting and particularly wanting
like in my head, which obviously would never work regardless of how things went, was that nothing would change but things would change like everyone would just know and that’d be fine. because in a way I don’t think it will?
and part of what I didn’t and couldn’t particuarlly explain with jasmine in the car is part of it is like and maybe it’s shit but it’s a like... I don’t want... I want... I don’t want to I want... options for want of a way better word that I just can not think of. I mean obviously, especially /now/ that would be something talked about if someone else or something happened but I don’t want I don’t know I don’t know how I’m trying to word this and perhaps it’ss digging a weird bigger worse hole
but idk
but anyways the expectations things I know you all wouldn’t do things I wasn’t ok with especially if I said it wasn’t ok. I don’t want anything big. I don’t even want things to really change. And another thing I couldn’t really describe with Jasmine is you two are real different and there’s like weirdly things I’m ok with with one and not the other? but I can’t place /what/ those things are at the moment. it’s more of a if they came up situation
and so it’s like currently. I don’t particularly want anything to ... change. like escalate for want of a better word sure. I don’t mind extra cuddles and more cheek kisses or whatever, but I don’t want ... new things at the moment if that makes sense
and part of the expectation thing to is like, I don’t want to change... like in a way. And I know y’all wouldn’t and won’t have me do anything I am uncomfortable with, but it a kind of like makes me feel bad kind of feeling that I am not particularly like cheek kissing or things I am currently not doing are things I don’t really want to do and obviously y’all don’t want me doing something I don’t and I know and I know that but yeah
and so I don’t know that’s mostly I feel like tho I’m not rereading it so maybe not most of what was talked about? well not the bit about me and expectations
but I just... idk and I guess that’s why I don’t want to tell people but also don’t feel bad about people know like if someone asks that’s fine but at the same time I don’t see it as anything tot alk about? which is not ... idk
Jasmine has thrown me off. I didn’t think it’d be like. Well obviously its me avoiding things but just idk where I was fully going with this thought but I am so unused to jasmine and thing even tho I’ve known her for a bit so it’s jarring to me...
I guess like I don’t want to be dating. in a sense. I want something between friends and dating which is... where I kinda saw all this before? in a way which isn’t good but also like I
idk
and perhaps there’s more and maybe that’ll get brought up when there’s another side to this conversation which is obviously lacking especially since the convo in reference did have another side so... and yeah
I am way tired-er than I thought and ramble-y and work is going to be
so enjoyable with almost a full four hours of just sitting in my head but because I’m me I’ll be avoiding it there to so haha fun stuff
a lot of it is just boiled down to expectations and the fact that I just don’t like being told I should be or am doing something and I know that I won’t be but it’s there in the back of my head thoughts about it from myself and maybe real or imaginary people who knows but I don’t like it I get real defensive being told things like that like I even snapped at my dad today about it cause he made a comment about how I should be leaving as I was thinking about leaving and it annoyed me because to him it didn’t seem like I was leaving or cared to at the moment but I was and yeah
it boils down to expectations and me not wanting any change...