I ramble a lot...

[kar-rambles]

Shout out to this blog I haven't written on in years but I gave my roommate my tumblr and I can't vague about her on that

That's so weird I didn't know your boss was supposed to be a mind reader

If "everyone is thinking it" are they just trying to think it super loud so that the boss can hear it too??

Ike I get the concern and it's valid and I don't want to be snarky about it but if everyone legit has a problem then fucking say that out loud to the person in charge maybe have a compromise?? Like idk girl this sounds kind of ridiculous but not in the way You think it is

[kar-rambles]

I’m tired of holidays feeling like normal days but also holidays not feeling like normal days

[kar-rambles]

Its nice and all that people care about me but I already know they do

I get that its like the polite and correct thing to like offer help for things but its so uneccessary

Its incredibly narcissistic and gross for me to say but of course people want and will offer help to me. I know it and if and when I need or want it ill ask around and I'll find people

Everyones worry about me is cute and all but its incredibly angering for some reason to hear everyone and read everyone offering their help or whatever for this hurricane its sufficating for no reason because I know its there. And its a weird gross and unwelcomed feeling for everyone to keep talking to me

I dont even know where I'm going with this this

Just weird annoying moments that remind me how much people know little about me by design. Intentionally to some degree

Weird and i,comfortable reminders that I have a part of me thats full of apathy and idk towards most people reminding that I'm selfish and narcastitic and anxiety is the main thing thats really keeping me in anything

Idk where im going with this

[kar-rambles]

I just remembered nick told me some white man that works nights/days with him at the store filed some kinda equality thing with the store director about the fact that shes hired so many black people. And he was told by the store director (a white woman) that he couldnt do that because he white. Apparently hes still doing it.

I think that the worst part of this conversation was the whole time nick was like on this guys side. Not in the concern about black people being hired but on the side of like "wow that was a pretty bullshit thing for her to say to him huh? Bet she'll get in trouble for it" and I just...

Sighs

[kar-rambles]

I am so mad

I am so incredibly fucking mad

At so many things prodiminelth right now the fact that I can not do this on my main blog

It's a silly thing to be mad at but whatever

I'm so mad

What the fuck

WHY AM I TE ONE WHO SPEAKS THIS ISNT FUCKING FAIR I DONT WANNA DANCE AROUND THE FUCKING THING EXPRESS YOURE ANGER BECAUSE I LITERALLY VAN NOT UTS RIDIVULOUS BUT FUCK THIS IS ALL RIDICULOUS

WHY ARE WE NOT ACTUALLY FUCKING SPEAKING TGE FYVJING SILENCE HAS TO FUVKING RBF BRCAUe it's GETTJNF NO WHERE EERE GOING IN CURVLES AND GETTJNG MORE AND MORE MAD AY EACH OTHE IF ORFER YELLING ICER YHJNGS IM SO FICKING

[kar-rambles]

There's some people in my life that I'm super ready to just bury

Just throw some metephorical dirt on top of their memories and anything else related to them in my head

And just pretend they never existed

Which is silly, they didn't do anything really big to warrant this treatment

Just ready for them to be removed from my life even if it's completely out of it?

Pretty terrible but hard to really stop

[kar-rambles]

[kar-rambles]

I'm so frustrated with myself this semester like what the fuck There's a lot of things that are really piss me off but injust don't know how to stop them or o don't know or understand why I have so much freaking trouble stopping them Like it's all so ridiculous and frustrating And I feel like there's something(s) in my head trying to help me but it just it try's to clock together and I don't understand it And I'm just being a child tbh I'm running into things I don't like and not doing them and it fucking stupid But it's so damn frustrating and annoying to see so many people in my general world who no longer are writing essays Why do essay fuck me up sonmuch I don't understand Why can't I sit and research and write essays I wasn't THAT bad in HS with them If I just ducking tried and applied my self and got prepared with them This is all just so fucking ridiculous like it's my fucking FINAL FOR RWO CLASSES AND I DIDNT FUCKING DO THEM why can't I read the damn books and write the fucking essays Why can't I do ahit with my parents around and awake like what the hell That's so stupid and silly what stopped me from doing shit what the hell Ughhhhhhbhhhhhhh

[kar-rambles]

I feel very selfish with all of this

while I still feel like the same

there’s also a large part of me that is like

oh boy attention

[kar-rambles]

Ok well the dog is making it difficult for me to get comfortable and sleep so let me type out one more bit of thought that like Part of I think the root of some of this and it makes me almost maybe feel bad for lack and want of better words which seems silly because aside from probably several like general exceptions I can't think of at the moment I shouldn't feel like bad about feelings? But part of the issue I suppose of things being more Jasmine me and you as opposed to what it kind of was before I'd like Jasmine me, me you, you Jasmine (which of course I'm not a part of so I don't know how it goes) is that I overall I suppose feel the same about both of you, how or what that is . fuck if I know and certainly not in text at 12 in the morning but as far as thinking things with each of you action wise, not like what could happen just strictly reflecting on things right now that go on between us, I feel differently about it Like In (I wrote im and I don't know what I ment and I seriously wrote it a minute ago?) a way, and maybe it's just because like of how things are now and because it things that weren't or aren't happening, kind of like how I feel in the make up and dresses and such I'm not used to wearing... But so on the one hand there's you and I hanging out, it's close conversation wise because we're close conversations wise. I'm not exactly like I guess I pretty much spill whatever to whoever about me it just feels like more ya know? Like we know each other really well and it typically sticks to just being close physically wide which sounds odd wording wise but don't know how to put it regardless but anyways we're close we sit on and near each other and such and yeah And then hanging with Jasmine I def do not know her as well or much and vise versa and we cuddle and sit on and tangled with one another and she's more touchy and smooch - y and It's both different in a way and I like it that way. Like I wouldn't be opposed to change because it feels real rude and silly and selfish to not but currently right now That's kind of like How I feel/ I don't know what other word I'm trying to place but that's like That's how I feel comfortable interacting with you two and how I see all that going... if that I don't know how to word that last bit but It's weird... thinking about... like those interactions... reversed? I mean not maybe like the close ness thing socially wise and knowing wise with Jasmine but like the... I don't know I don't know how to word it but it's like physically I am more comfortable, I suppose, with things from and with Jasmine (like current things and small movements towards anything past current things) and emotionally I am more comfortable with things with you And actually judging by my overall feeling in me that is what I am trying to get out not that I got real close before with all the rambling but that's the root of it? I'm not sure if it makes full sense and like I said it kinda makes me feel bad but I can't place why but that's it That's... what I'm trying to say that's what I want to say in a car ramble tomorrow with you and Jasmine...

[kar-rambles]

I didn’t know where to put this and pretty much any other method of delivery I can think of comes with character limits so just a lot of rambling because that’s what I do 

ok ok so I know we have already established text is a super shit way to go about all of this but also like there’s zero way that I will remember anything that I think of that I would like to say later when it’s actually being discussed and I will also very highkey not want to talk about this at all tomorrow even tho it has been previously discussed that it is coming and also be so wanting to avoid that I will probably be actually like genuinely annoyed at Jasmine which she will undeserve and I will try to push past but like mm

I am so unused to like Jasmine and how she handles things ahhh

anyways so just like getting some of the basics kind out of the way especially because I don’t... like... I know it possibly probably should be a car ramble of all three but since it has already been a one on one car ramble of jasmine and I it feels unbalenced and the preference is a car ramble of just you and I but even then like I don’t remember how this one got brought up? and it wasn’t like all this makes it seems so serious and both the talk and the subject manner to me wasn’t ... really serious? like ehh

like just the basics were like I just... don’t know I don’t know anything so it’s like I don’t 

I’’m always like

hesitant about labels because they come with outside expectations and I do not like that like I don’t like... like I feel as if there’s a weird box of sorts (currently) being established that I did not particularly want and it’s a large box not entirely uncomfortable but I just ljfakdjasf (I am going back and adding random commenary to myself as if this all wasn’t already confusing but this was a jump I jumped from one thought to another and then jumped again)

and anyways I don’t like I don’t .. and I didn’t even get it out fully with Jasmine but I don’t want ... to be like... I don’t want a ... I want open? which this all texting thing and Jasmine and such just seemed so ... no ok wait I need to finsih the open thought  jasmine and I in my pov for most of all of it previous to the text convo was I don’t want I want ... (an unrelated ramble as I follow a stream of consiouness) I don’t think this would go better in talk either because I am litterally typing how I am thinking which would be confusing either way just let me kinda... get things out

I don’t want to be in a relationship   (?) (<- an attempt of sorts for tone) labels like that feel like they come with expectations from both sides and I don’t particularly like that even tho I fully acknoledge that’s not really an issue with you and Jasmine that there isn’t going to be things I don’t like especially if I say i don’t like it like I know that that exists

but it’s that weird thing of just thinking I have to be one way when I don’t I don’t want this to change and in a sense when I was speaking with jasmine I didn’t think it would. I mean obviously it’s a change. but waht I’m saying is like this attempt at talking via text made it all sound much more serious and label-y than I was thinking and expecting and particularly wanting

like in my head, which obviously would never work regardless of how things went, was that nothing would change but things would change like everyone would just know and that’d be fine. because in a way I don’t think it will?

and part of what I didn’t and couldn’t particuarlly explain with jasmine in the car is part of it is like and maybe it’s shit but it’s a like... I don’t want... I want... I don’t want to I want... options for want of a way better word that I just can not think of. I mean obviously, especially /now/ that would be something talked about if someone else or something happened but I don’t want I don’t know I don’t know how I’m trying to word this and perhaps it’ss digging a weird bigger worse hole

but idk but anyways the expectations things I know you all wouldn’t do things I wasn’t ok with especially if I said it wasn’t ok. I don’t want anything big. I don’t even want things to really change. And another thing I couldn’t really describe with Jasmine is you two are real different and there’s like weirdly things I’m ok with with one and not the other? but I can’t place /what/ those things are at the moment. it’s more of a if they came up situation and so it’s like currently. I don’t particularly want anything to ... change. like escalate for want of a better word sure. I don’t mind extra cuddles and more cheek kisses or whatever, but I don’t want ... new things at the moment if that makes sense

and part of the expectation thing to is like, I don’t want to change... like in a way. And I know y’all wouldn’t and won’t have me do anything I am uncomfortable with, but it a kind of like makes me feel bad kind of feeling that I am not particularly like cheek kissing or things I am currently not doing are things I don’t really want to do and obviously y’all don’t want me doing something I don’t and I know and I know that but yeah

and so I don’t know that’s mostly I feel like tho I’m not rereading it so maybe not most of what was talked about? well not the bit about me and expectations

but I just... idk and I guess that’s why I don’t want to tell people but also don’t feel bad about people know like if someone asks that’s fine but at the same time I don’t see it as anything tot alk about? which is not ... idk

Jasmine has thrown me off. I didn’t think it’d be like. Well obviously its me avoiding things but just idk where I was fully going with this thought but I am so unused to jasmine and thing even tho I’ve known her for a bit so it’s jarring to me...

I guess like I don’t want to be dating. in a sense. I want something between friends and dating which is... where I kinda saw all this before? in a way which isn’t good but also like I  idk 

and perhaps there’s more and maybe that’ll get brought up when there’s another side to this conversation which is obviously lacking especially since the convo in reference did have another side so... and yeah

I am way tired-er than I thought and ramble-y and work is going to be

so enjoyable with almost a full four hours of just sitting in my head but because I’m me I’ll be avoiding it there to so haha fun stuff

a lot of it is just boiled down to expectations and the fact that I just don’t like being told I should be or am doing something and I know that I won’t be but it’s there in the back of my head thoughts about it from myself and maybe real or imaginary people who knows but I don’t like it I get real defensive being told things like that like I even snapped at my dad today about it cause he made a comment about how I should be leaving as I was thinking about leaving and it annoyed me because to him it didn’t seem like I was leaving or cared to at the moment but I was and yeah it boils down to expectations and me not wanting any change...

[kar-rambles]

I feel like I may be having s panic attack or may just be real damn close to having one but I genuinely can not tell and I mostly just want to go home and sleep fuck

[kar-rambles]

writing something down for kinda like archival purpose of sorts

we’re all in similar boats but in different waters with different conditions

trying to send a breeze if we can to the other(s) to help out and meet up on islands to be together and exist for a bit

but we don’t fully know what it’s like in the other waters

what the boats are really like

same bases probably but who knows

heck even when they don’t seem the same you still don’t know

a big fancy boat that looks prepared for anything strong as ever but on the inside they feel seasick, small waves, big waves, it doesn’t matter. You’re off balance or maybe they’re facing different waters. Bigger waves, rougher seas. Maybe that’s why they need a bigger boat, one that looks like it could handle what you have, and maybe it can, but that’s not what they have

or maybe even this big fancy boat is held together on the inside by ducktape and chewing gum

boats that have anchor that don’t quite stay. That move a bit or maybe no anchor at all

never feeling able to stay or visit an island

you pass other boats and maybe they look the same or maybe they look different, in the same waters or in different ones

but you never really know

what it’s like because you’re on your boat, and they’re on their’s

maybe on a visit to an island you climb onto the deck for a bit, look around. Learn a bit more about the boat. Or maybe you end up in the same waters. Feeling the same waves, hearing the same storms... your boat is leaking a bit, is theirs?

you try and help but maybe that breeze that was sent cause a bit of a gust or met with a gust. or you bumped boats a bit and hurt it a little...

or you’re docking for supplies somewhere and see someone with a ton of food and other supplies and it seems like too much, like it’s necessary, but maybe they can’t dock all that often for things

and idk where I’m doing with the supplies bit but just thought of it and wanted to add

and I’m not sure where else I was going with this

but I the last time I thought about something like this, a big kinda metaphor thing I forgot it and didn’t write it down... and I just wanted to...

[kar-rambles]

I can DO things I know there's good things and a good career or job path somewhere in this meat suit that's turning 22 in three more days but I just don't know And I hate it I don't know so michb and I know I'm not some special snowflake with them but o just feel so awful so many people think so much of me and some are wrong and some are right and some are right but for the wrong reasons they didn't get to the thing I. The actual way I did and I don't know where I'm going with this o guess I'm just all over the place and I don't know

[kar-rambles]

I wish I could peak into the universe where I live by myself/not with my parents and had for most of college cause I would like compare with how it is now because there’s so many things I don’t do because they’re up and it’s so frustrating and silly because I’m not actually prevented from doing things

so I’m curious how things go without them

and also just wish I could be out of thehouse and tbh out of school ughh

[kar-rambles]

I wish I could find some classes that like I dunno I wish classes weren't so like either math/science-y or writing/reading like I get those are like the main things but I'm not great at math related things or science related things and I am not that great at writing in a time when my classes expect a lot of it and I'd just like some kind of medium And I know a lot of this is my own doing I signed up for these classes and having been doing what I'm supposed to but also I just I like lit type classes they're always interestingn I just have never gotten to the point in essay writing that I should and am expected to be at in my classss and it's frustrating

[kar-rambles]

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