Luca

[karmaluca]

I always get fat in the summer! I am so sick of this circle of starving and losing 10 kg over Christmas, and being happy with my weight for a few months, then just gain it all back in the summer. Even this summer I felt my self gaining because I was binging every fucking day, and I gained so much (even though I didn’t take my insulin) but I just couldn’t stop. Still its so hard to stay away from all the junk food, especially when I’m having bpd episodes! I wish I lost my appetite when I was depressed and not the other way around. I’m so sick of being sick, I’m so sick of hating myself, and spending hours looking at photos or videos of myself never knowing how I actually look. I wish I could love my self when I’m not starving. But I don’t think I ever will.

[karmaluca]

I am pretty sure all my problems would go away if I had skinny arms and a skinny face

[karmaluca]

Relapsed into purging, but it’s better than cutting at least:)

[karmaluca]

Just went on vacation with my family and I’ve never felt any fatter than right now! When i look in the mirror I just wanna die! I haven’t taken any insulin so I feel like shit but I just can’t do it, because then I will gain even more

[vakta]

:/

[karmaluca]

Why do i feel so empty inside?

[karmaluca]

I am officially down 10 kg! Now I just need to lose 10 more

[karmaluca]

Just hit my first goal weight, but I’m not thin enough yet. I feel just as fat as I did before

[karmaluca]

I don’t want to sit with my family today and stress out about food. I want to relax and enjoy my self but my ed has other plans for me:(

[re-laps-ed]

I'm so sick of recovery being about "food freedom" and "not weighing your food" and "not counting calories or carbs".

As a diabetic I am always going to have to weigh and count my food. Literally every little bit. Until the day I die.

I would love food freedom, and I am envious of those who get it or can aim for it, but fuck, surely there's other things to look forward to in recovery...right?

Because I'm already struggling to even think about recovery but what's the point if I will never reach this sense of 'freedom' everyone else seems to be striving for?

[karmaluca]

I just binged, now everything hurts

[karmaluca]

i ate way to much today, I hate myself for it.

[karmaluca]

i'm tired

[karmaluca]

I feel sooo guilty

[midako17]

in fact i don't understand what im doing with my life and my ed creates at least some semblance of control and stability

[usbdongle-deactivated20200531]

having parents that were really angry and petty and abusive when you were young is weird, because it makes part of you grow up to want to be kind, to generate good things, to be a source of peace and wellbeing for others; but it makes another part of you grow up to be quick, and sharp, and spiteful, and that’s always the part that shows itself first in a hard situation, so it’s a struggle between your hateful gut reactions and your wish to not add any more misery to the world. it’s a hard balance, and the people who really, really know me - i know they see that anger flash in my eyes before i quiet it, if i quiet it…i want to overcome years of conditioning, and with gentle, constant force, i know i’ll mellow it. it just takes time.

[xjayju]

wow, someone actually put it into words

[karmaluca]

I'm not hungry, just bored.