begin again

Karma Murphy. 18. Senior in high school and aspiring art therapist. A daughter, a sister, and a friend, but first and foremost, a mother. "Motherhood is an experiment in how long your body can function without adequate sleep or nourishment and fueled only on adrenaline, caffeine, and baby smiles."

[markusdawson]

A hopeful smile tugged at the corner of his lips and he nodded about five times when she asked about the bet-money again. “Not a penny.” he insisted.

Mark felt like he finally breathe properly again once she took the flowers from him. Taking a deep breath he allowed himself to hope that this meant that Karma would give him a second chance, to let him prove that he was only 30% douchebag and would even fight down those 30% for her. When she began to talk he’d just wiped his damp hands on his pants and looked at her, and with every word he watched drip from her lips his smile grew and showed some of his teeth.

“Yes? You mean it, you are up to look past my horrendous mistake and give me another shot at proving I’m a decent bloke?” he asked. “Thank you, you won’t regret it. As in, that’l never happen again.” Then he knelt down and waved at Elliot who’d taken interest in him. “Hey there, buddy. Having fun over there? Just hanging out, huh?”

[karmamurphy]

Karma almost laughed when he nodded eagerly about not taking any of the money. Her mind went briefly to finding a vase at home before she smiled again at the young man before her, stepping a bit to the side to allow her son to get a good look at Mark. Elliot smiled a toothless grin up at the man, babbling cheerfully, not even giving the blue flowers a second look. 

She giggled a little when Mark wiped his hands on his pants. It was cute that he was nervous, and by god, he was even cuter when he smiled. It made her smile back. “Yeah.” She responded, nodding. “I’ll allow you to prove yourself.”

 Mark’s interactions with Elliot were so precious. It made Karma happy to know that someone was totally okay with the fact that she had a son. For some reason, her gut wanted her to assume that people would be cruel, but so far, it hadn’t been too bad. Elliot babbled and reached out to Mark as the young man spoke and Karma chuckled, carefully putting the flowers on top of the baby bag she brought along. “We were swinging. He loves the swings.” She stated before inquiring of Mark, “D’you wanna give him a push?”

[grumblygardensarchive]

Maternity Memes

[karmamurphy]

grumblygardensarchive:

Memes about motherhood, having babies, and parenting. Some borderline NSFW and mildly offensive. Includes adoption!

Pregnancy& Motherhood

“But you’re hardly showing!”

“You are really big now!”

“Maybe it’s time to shop for something more flattering?”

“Maternity wear. You. You’ve gone without it for too long.”

“Did you hear the baby’s heartbeat?”

“How far along are you?”

“So when are you due?”

“Do you have nursery themes picked out?”

“Are you having a little boy or a little girl?”

“I know you went to get the ultrasound done.”

“You have to tell me if pregnancy sex is as kinky as I’ve heard it is!” 

“Just consider gender neutral colors for a second. Hear me out.”

“I’m just saying gendered colors are not as evil as people make them out to be.”

“You’re certain the baby isn’t someone else’s right?” 

“You can’t clean the cat box. There’s other stuff you can’t do while pregnant, either.”

“If you get put on bedrest, your entire house will fall apart and you know it.”

“So I guess you’ll go straight back to work after this?”

“Goodbye working world, hello stay-at-home-mommy! Right?”

“Your feet have got to be killing you!”

“Your boobs are gonna get so huge!” 

“You know you’ll be sore from breastfeeding, right?”

“So I guess you’re gonna pick a side in that breastfeeding and bottlefeeding thing, right?”

“I hope you’re not afraid to accept some help. You’ll need it.”

“I hope s/he is going to be pitching in more?”

Adoption

“You’re not gonna keep it, right? I mean face it, you’re not parenthood material!”

”I understand you don’t want to keep the baby and I support whatever you want to do.”

“You’re giving up your baby to great parents. That’s not selfish.”

“That’s so selfish of you to not even think of your baby. Of course they want to know you more than two strangers just raising them!”

“Wait, so you’re adopting a baby?”

“I don’t think I’d be able to love a child that isn’t my blood.”

“You already love them so much. It’s obviously meant to be.”

“How much does a baby cost, anyway? Can’t you just buy a dog and call it even?”

“Are you afraid your paperwork will get rejected?”

“Does traveling to get your baby scare you?”

“Will you change their name?”

“Did something happen to the parents?”

“I’m certain you’re strong enough to answer their questions when they’re old enough to ask them.”

“You shouldn’t keep secrets about their life. Don’t lie to them about being adopted.”

“I wouldn’t call it lying. I would call it being selective. They don’t have to know they didn’t come out of your womb, right?”

Childrearing

“Once you have a kid, you lose everything. Your sex life, your party life, your quiet life. It’s gone.” 

“Those eighteen years go too fast.” 

“So what’s more exciting? The poopie Picassos at 3am or the green bean Van Goghs at dinner?”

“I guess you haven’t heard a modern music station in the past year. I guess you’ve memorized the soundtrack to the latest cartoon musical!”

“So is the sugary cereal for them or are you happy you get an excuse to eat it again?”

“Be honest. You play with your kid’s toys more than they do.”

“When they call for you, you feel like a superhero because you are their super hero.”

“When you accept that a toddler is just a tiny drunk college student having a meltdown, you start to feel better.”

“If I have to sit through the Wiggles one more time…”

“I like hanging out with you more than my child-free friends. You have food. You have ice pops. You also have Disney movies.”

“Lego bombs. Oh my god, lego bombs in the carpet..”

“The minivan was probably the sensible purchase.”

“I had no idea a baby could fart that loud!”

“Dressing baby girls is fun. Then they age three years and the boys get the better, tasteful clothing. Girls? No they get the glitter bombs from hell.”

“They say you love them the first time you hold them.”

[karmamurphy]

markusdawson:

“To apologize. Again. To that I got a chance to properly do that already but— yeah.”

To be fair, Mark felt a little awkward standing on this play ground surrounded by children with a bouquet of flowers in his arms — a family tradition when it comes to winning back a woman — but hey, maybe making a fool out of himself was what it took to persuade Karma that he really was sorry, and maybe he deserved a little public humiliation. When he had seen her earlier from his car he couldn’t help but take the chance and fight for her. Because she was special and he didn’t want to believe that it had been one evening only.

Mark licked over his dry lips and held the flowers up. “I asked the florist which flowers she suggests I should buy when I’ve behaved like a massive dick and she gave me these. I hope you still like blue.”

“Please just take the flowers if you don’t ever see me again and not slap me with them. It was definitely the wrong reason to go out with you, I know, but I liked hanging out with out a lot and I like you and I’m happy fate shoved us into the same path. I don’t regret anything and I didn’t take the money either. So, yeah, that’s all I have to say.” he finished and looked at her bashfully.

People were certainly looking in their direction, but Karma’s attention was focused on Mark as she stilled Elliot’s swing, despite the baby’s curious babbling, to stand almost protectively in front of her son. She was surprised, almost pleasantly, that he’d brought flowers. Blue irises. He hadn’t even known, but those were one of her favorite types of flowers. 

She smiled a little, the corners of her lips quirking upward. “Well, the blue irises are certainly a nice touch.” She admitted. Karma listen to him speak, and was further surprised that he didn’t take any of the money. “Wait. You really didn’t take any of the money?” 

Reluctantly, she accepted the flowers from him, running her fingertips over the flowers carefully. They were beautiful. It was clear he was being sincere, as she could easily remember how Richard wouldn’t apologize when he was in the wrong - but she couldn’t keep comparing every guy to Richard. Mark was different. And that was what she liked best about him to begin with. She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly before she met Mark’s eyes once more. 

“I like you too. And it’s, uh, been a while since I’ve liked someone. Hanging out with you was so fun, and I’d... I really would love to hang out with you some more. So, uhm, thanks for apologizing. It means a lot to me, and I’m glad you were upfront about it. All of it.” 

[karmamurphy]

markusdawson

It had been a little over a week since the big first date with Mark. And since then, he had called and texted Karma dozens of times. Each time, she didn’t answer. She made a point of ignoring him at school no matter how many times he’d try to talk to her. It was frustrating for her to have let someone into her life - even if only for a little while - only to find he’d only asked her out because of a bet. 

Especially considering how much she liked Mark. 

Today, however, had been a beautiful day and so, with the fact that she had the afternoon off from work at the diner off in mind, she picked up Elliot from daycare and took him on an outing to the park. The boy had been so happy to see her, she could see it reflected in his hazel eyes and hear it in how he contentedly babbled to her on the whole way out to the car. 

She had just settled Noah into one of the baby swings when she saw him approaching, bouquet of flowers held right to his front like a shield. Karma sighed, her eyes darting from her son toward him to ask, “What are you doing here?”

[karmamurphy]

markusdawson:

“Good.” he answered with a nod. Not without one last glance at the kid sleeping peacefully Mark followed her her back through the house, out the door and to his car when he remembered the bet. The few dollars he didn’t care about anymore. Because he liked her, like-liked her. It didn’t matter but he felt like it would always stay there in the back of his head if they continued whatever this was and bug him. So he’d better get right out, she’d probably laugh.

Leaning against his car he smirked at her when she chuckled. God, she was cute. “Yeah, it’s no big deal really.” He put it off with a wave of his hand slightly brushing her arms by doing so. “Actually — taking into account that my friends dared me to ask you out at the game — I enjoyed myself a lot. Very much.” Mark leaned in a little to hug her goodbye, or maybe even go for a kiss.

His next words gave her serious pause. Karma blinked, unsure if she’d heard him right before repeating, with a breathless laugh, “A-a dare? Am I hearing you correctly or did you really just say that you only asked me out because of a dare?” When he leaned in, she reached out, pressing a palm on his chest to stop him. “Uh-uh, don’t even try it.” She redacted her hand and crossed her arms across her chest. “I mean... Would you have even asked me out if your buddies hadn’t dared you too?” She shook her head, “Don’t even answer that. I don’t think I wanna know that answer.”

Her eyes were starting to water, so she turned away from him, taking a few steps away. “Have a good night, Mark. I’ll see you at school.” Karma said finally, looking back at him over her shoulder. She was certain that the porch lights betrayed how her eyes were shining, brimming with tears. Of course, she rationalized, this would happen. 

[karmamurphy]

markusdawson:

Mark had no idea what time it was when he stood watching as Karma tugged Elliot into bed and placed a kiss on his head. He smirked. With all the babbling and laughing he’d barely been able to concentrate on the film but it didn’t matter really, he’d enjoyed talked to her much more than watch Adam Sandler screw things up with his wife. When she turned to him again looking very tired herself, he flashed a soft smile and puck his hands in his pockets. “I think I better get going.” he mumbled with a shrug. “But uh thanks for, you know, agreeing to this. I liked it.”

“You want to come outside til I get in my car?”

Karma had felt like the evening was, despite the initial mishaps, an overall success. The pizza had been good and the conversation better. It was still hard for her to even fathom the fact that Mark hadn’t run for the hills the moment she revealed she had a son. It was further surprising that he hadn’t pressed the issue as to the identity - and lack of involvement - on the part of Noah’s father. The even thought of trying to discuss it all made Karma’s stomach ache. She bid Noah goodnight, turning on the baby monitors and tucking one into the back of her jeans. 

“Yeah, uhm, of course. Thanks for... Asking.” She said quietly as they headed back down the stairs. “I wouldn’t mind. It’s no problem.” She replied in response to his question, curious as to what his motivations were once they were outside. Would he try to kiss her goodnight? The very idea of that happening made Karma’s palms sweaty, so as they stepped out onto her front porch she briefly rubbed her hands over her jeans before looking up at him. “I had a great time with you tonight. Thanks for being cool about the whole ‘teen mom’ thing.” She chuckled, making light of her own words. 

[markusdawson]

Of course, Mark recognized her knee against his and he didn’t move or smile, anything to suggest that he had noticed, but it was nice. That sort of casual touching he enjoyed quietly because in his family things went rougher and with his previous girlfriends it had been always intended by them and he responded less… innocently because well, he was weak and wanting, and mostly drunk. But this time he felt less pressured because he didn’t expect to see her again, like for real, because it was merely a bet, a game. But yet he liked it, very much. He nodded brusquely her suggestion. “Twenty questions… sounds legit.”

New York and Switzerland — he found that was hot mix and he was curious how that added up. favorite colr had merely been a random question that had popped up in this mind and he hadn’t read enough women magazines to figure any meaning behind it. But the compliment, however unfunded, made him grin wryly and puff himself up. “Thank you.” he said quickly igoring the rules of the game on unnecessary comments. “Ugh, mine is red, I guess, because team color. I don’t know. So, why did you leave New York?”

[karmamurphy]

Karma smiled a bit more at his interest in her proposal. She was having an excellent time just hanging out with Mark and, were her son not present, she would have probably felt more like a normal teenage girl. 

She enjoyed his reaction to her compliment but his next question threw her for a loop. It was far too soon for her to lay out the tale of why she truly left New York. Did she like Mark? Sure. But it wasn’t the time to begin to try and explain why it was that she actually left New York. So, instead, choosing her words carefully, she opted for the easiest explanation: “My dad’s friend from law school was opening a firm out here and he offered my dad a job. And he accepted, so here we all are!” She feigned a chuckle as she freely gestured to the home as a means of here. “Do you have any brothers or sisters?” She inquired, quickly changing the subject. 

[markusdawson]

He smiled broadly when she accepted the money. Girls these days were fickle with gestures like that and even though he understood why sometimes they didn’t want to take it, it still felt less of a date to him then. Whilst she was phoning he sat down on the couch, sliding back and forth to find a comfortable position, but then leaned back as if he felt like home. 

“I’m fine, Karma.” He stressed her name hoping that he would take away some of her uncertainty. With his left hand he padded on the spot next to him. “Sit down, please. I want to get to know you, like where did you live before? Favorite color? Do you think I’m a good football-player or not?”

[karmamurphy]

She was caught off-guard by his statement. And surprised at how much she liked hearing him say her name. Karma blushed, smiling shyly when he patted the space next to him on the couch. She glanced back at Elliot, still bouncing in his bouncy chair, babbling happily, before she sat down next to him, her knee accidentally bumping against his. “Well,” she said, her smile only growing, “I want to get to know you too. So, how about this. Twenty questions. I’ll answer the questions you’ve asked me and then I’ll ask you one and we can just keep going like that... Sound fair?”

“But, uhm, as to where I lived before... I grew up in New York City, but I was recently living in Switzerland. It’s where my mom’s from and where El was born. My favorite color, I’d have to say, is teal.” She hesitated for a moment before answering his third questions. “I don’t really know much about football, but based on what I saw and my limited understanding of the sport, I would say you are a really good football player.” She admitted, smiling at him. “Okay. Here’s my first question: What is your favorite color?”

[markusdawson]

Mark stared at the little boy in his chair trying to see any resemblance to Karma when she snapped him out of it. “Huh? Uh, salami and mushrooms? If that’s okay?” he asked whilst reaching for his wallet to get a ten dollar bill and hand it to her. “There you go. And do not protest — I’m paying, I’m old school.”

[karmamurphy]

Karma noticed that Mark was looking a bit too long at Elliot, she knew he was trying to figure out how the mother and son looked alike. It was something people always pondered, whether asked aloud or not, does he look more like his mother? Or more like his father? The truth was, Elliot resembled his father more, but that wasn’t something she was ready to share just yet. It was a painful Pandora’s box that she hoped to keep closed until she trusted him enough to share the tale of it all. 

So, instead, she nodded, plucking her phone off the coffee table and googling the pizza restaurant. She was a bit surprised when he handed her the money, but she accepted it, placing it back on the table between them with a small smile, “Thank you. I, uh, can appreciate a guy that’s old school.” She turned away a bit to place the call, ordering the large salami and mushroom pizza to her address before ending the call and looking back at Mark, feeling still quite nervous about the whole evening.

“So, uhm, can I get you anything? Like a drink or something?”

[markusdawson]

When the kid pulled on his shirt with his little hand Mark grimaced — a terrified looking smile — but then he laughed nervously. “I’ll get you one of those shirts, little man, if you like it so much.”

“Sure, let’s do that.” he answered and slowly, the awkward situation seeped out of his bones. He was beginning to feel lighter as he followed her to the big living room which looked nothing like the crammed chamber at home. The Dawsons weren’t exactly poor but the car shop business was going slow and they didn’t want to buy a bigger house. “Trippiani’s has stellar pizza, you should never order anywhere else. But I don’t know if they make children size pizza as well. You should probably ask.”

[karmamurphy]

Karma smiled, shifting her squirming son in her arms once more before setting him into his bouncy chair where he began to bounce happily, looking up at Karma and Mark. Karma looked back towards Mark, “Okay. Trippiani’s, you said? What should we get? Oh, El will be fine. He ate already. Although I wish they did make child-sized pizzas, because I have a hunch he’ll love pizza when he’s old enough to eat it.” 

[markusdawson]

Mark nodded as she rushed away and look down on his socks he was waiting. A child. He definitely hadn’t expected this — who would? — but he didn’t judge her for it either. She had made the decision to keep the child and he wasn’t in the position to criticize that, probably she was a good mother. And any second she’d turn around the corner with a little kid. Damn, brace yourself, Dawson, I bet he is ten times less frightening than the Lions’ defense players — but it didn’t feel that. 

When she returned he pulled a smile at the kid and raised his hand in an awkward wave. “Elliot, hey. I’m Mark…” he said. “I, uh, go to school with your mom and uh, yes…”

[karmamurphy]

Karma adjusted Elliot in her arms, stepping in a bit closer to Mark as Elliot reached over to make a grab at Mark’s shirt. “Oh, sorry, he’s a bit grabby.” Karma explained with a chuckle as Elliot kept looking at Mark and smiled. Karma smiled reassuringly at Mark as Elliot babbled a response to Mark. 

“Really?” Karma inquired of her son before looking back at Mark and gesturing towards the other room, “We should probably head into the living room, and we can sort of get comfortable and figure out what movie to watch and where to get the pizza from - I’d have to take your word on what place has the best pizza.” And without much of another word, she led him into the wide living room. 

[markusdawson]

Mark laughed when she apologized for her attack-explanation but he found her reaction amusing and well, what’s out is out. “It’s okay, Karma, don’t fret.” he reassured her and looked around.

At her mention he bend down to untie his shoelaces and take his shoes off which felt like a final step for him — he was here and her house and he’d stay for a few hours, no going back. “Uh, yes, course. I bet I would have met him sooner or later tonight anyway.” he answered with a nod. “And I already hear him screaming for you, so you should probably…” He tilted his head in the direction of the noise.

[karmamurphy]

Karma sighed in relief and smiled before running a hand over her dark hair. “Yeah. Uhm, excuse me a sec.” She turned in the direction of the sound before slipping into the other room to get her son out of his high chair. She quickly and easily wiped off the baby’s messy face before undoing the straps of the high chair. She was nervous. She really hadn’t planned to introduce her son to anyone so soon, but Mark seemed okay. A normal, decent guy. And decent was what she needed right about now.

Elliot smiled up at her and she smiled back, pressing a quick kiss to his forehead and smoothing back the boy’s dark hair before stepping back into the room. “If you think that that was screaming, then you really have no idea.” She teased Mark with a grin before finally introducing the boy who was squirming in her arms, babbling and pointing. “Mark, this is Elliot. Elliot is quite a talker, so just sorta... Go with it.” 

[markusdawson]

In all honesty, Mark did not spend too much time thinking about the date. He put his bet money in the gas-for-my-crappy-pick-up jar, fought with his English homework and worked out in the school gym. Only the day before, when Tyson reminded him of his — airquotes — date he started to feel a little ticklish nervousness. So the following day he parked his car in front of her house and rang the doorbell. No flowers, no quite shirt, just Mark, same as always. 

When she opened the door though Karma looked… was it nervous? Before he could even say anything she buried him under an avalanche of words and as he followed her in he didn’t even have time to register his surroundings. “Mom?” That was one of the few things he had caught and he stared at her dumb-struck. He had to process that first. 

“I wouldn’t uh leave because of that. I mean, it’s your decision, whatever happened — I don’t care. I’m not good with children, I think… But you promised me a date and pizza is just fine.” She totally overwhelmed him with her rambling. “How old is she…he?”

[karmamurphy]

Karma felt immediately embarrassed and clapped a hand over her mouth, as if to try and not start rambling all over again. She felt bad for just blurting it all out, but it was better than him finding out this sort of thing secondhand. She took a moment to take a deep breath before she apologized, “I’m so so sorry. I didn’t mean to... Lay it all on you. I really meant to tell it to you a bit more... Slowly, I guess. But, uh, stuff happens...” She shrugged with a sigh. 

She beamed when he said he didn’t care, and that he was willing to stay. It was a wave of relief, even though Elliot’s babbling got louder, as if cued by Mark’s statement of “Mom?”  Karma smiled in the direction of the sounds before looking back at Mark. “Okay, awesome! Feel free to take your shoes off, make yourself comfortable... Oh,  my son, Elliot, is ten months old. Do you... Want to meet him?”

[markusdawson]

He already took a few small steps back so his coach could see that he was in fact moving. “Good. Fine.” he uttered, weird at good-byes as always. “I’ll see you around. Have a safe ride home.” With a few nods too many he then turned and jogged towards the changing rooms.

[karmamurphy]

The next weekend, the big day of this first date came around. Karma was understandably nervous, but she became frantic once her babysitter called and cancelled exactly half an hour before Mark was due to arrive. She had tried to get in touch with the back-up babysitter, a girl who lived down the street named Kara, but couldn’t get in touch with her and of course, this would be the weekend her father was too swamped at work to even come home and her mother was at yet another spiritual retreat. Karma was dressed to go out, in a nice top and jeans, but by the time the doorbell rang, she steeled herself for being firmly rejected, as she had exhausted all possible options for childcare. She opened the door and smiled at Mark, “Hey, Mark. Uhm, I have a bit of bad news. Please... Come in.” From the front hall, she could hear Elliot babbling happily in his high chair in the next room. “Uhm, so here’s the thing. I didn’t want to tell you this right away because there’s generally a lot of negative connations about this sort of thing, but... I’m a mom. And as much as I would love to go out with you tonight, my babysitter cancelled last-minute and my parents are too busy so I totally understand if you want to just walk away, I totally get that, but if you’d like, we could hang out here, order a pizza, watch a movie or something...” The words fell out of her mouth rather quickly and she wasn’t sure if he’d heard all that she’d said. “So,” she finished lamely, “Yeah.”

[markusdawson]

“Sure, I’ll try to remember that.” he said as he watched her write her number on his arm. It tickled a little but he kept his chuckle to himself. “Thanks. For your number, and not accusing me of being a homicidal stalker when I approached you out of the blue.” — “Dawson!” The voice of the coach ripped through the noise of the bleachers as clear as if he stood next to him. “Stop flirting and get your ass into the shower. Now!” Mark rolled his eyes with a grin and clasped his hands together. “I better go if I don’t want to clean his car this weekend…”

[karmamurphy]

She put the pen into her purse casually, laughing at his response before she began to say “Of course, I’d like to think I’d know...” but her words stopped short when she heard Mark’s coach yelling at him, which caused her to blush. “Oh. Right, yeah. My ride should be here shortly anyway.” She looked down at her feet for a moment before she looked up at him again and said, with an almost shy smile, “I hope to hear from you soon. It was a great game. Have a good night, Mark.”

[markusdawson]

When she agreed and put her hand in his which was covered in small stains of blood Mark scribbled his number and name on it. Then he looked up at her again. “If you like.” Her number would be a better prove to his friends but he didn’t want to be the guy who pressured girls into handing out their numbers without knowing him. “I certainly wouldn’t mind.” he added with a sheepish grin.

[karmamurphy]

She grinned at his handwriting, admiring it briefly before nodding shyly, “I would like to. It might be nice for when you call me later to know what number to call.” Karma stated, a bit surprised at how flirtatious her own words were, before she accepted the pen back from him to gently touch his forearm (brushing a bit of dirt and grass off first) before she wrote her name and number. “There you go.” 

[markusdawson]

Girls and their purses. Mark didn’t have to look — he politely looked down on his feet as she went through her bag — to hear by the sound that it must be filled over and over with shenanigans. But at the sound of her voice he looked up and nodded. “Better than nothing. Uh, may I ask to have your hand for a moment as well…? I promise I have noble intentions.”

[karmamurphy]

Karma chuckled before offering her hand, “Of course. Thank you for asking first.” She slipped her cool hand into his warm one and grinned when he began to write his number on the top of her hand. “So, should I assume that I should give you my number as well?” She inquired, a bit uncertain, but she kept her voice light, as though she were making a joke. But in all honesty, outside of her teacher - god, she couldn’t even say his name anymore - she had barely dated.