being obsessive is something that i’ve grown up being, forged into my identity through baby tears and tantrums. even in the younger years of life, i would create paper cards and send them off to a special brunette boy who i’d admire every lunchtime. i’d sit on the green, uncomfortable metal bench, watching the ball roll according to the plummet of your feet. you never glanced a look at me. purposely looking gloomy, defeated even when my cheeks were rounded with childhood innocence, will i ever defeat this constant cycle?
the second was someone far more consuming, far more broken. i enjoyed it, how you played with my heart, cried tears and pretended you were older than you were. you taught me about things my young pale ears reddened at. you fool, now turn your head in snobbish ignorance whenever you pass me. that silent expression that conveys all the words in the world. you are below me, always have been. but i still remember those moments, how i tried everything to get your attention to only orbit me and how we skipped, hand in hand, carelessly.
the third, broke me beyond repair, h. you were everything. my god, my identity, my love. you made sure to wrap your hands around me, brush my bruises away and care for my tender skin, until you beat me with brute force. abandoning me, wordlessly, leaving me clenching at the dirt like a dog. begging, pleading, i kneeled at your knees for months. your silence, standing tall like a barrier, was the most painful weapon you wielded. back then, careless and naive, i was led into your trap. feeling safe, my guard was let down and i surrendered into your snare. you loved me, you had to. i couldn’t live without you. i can’t live without you. even at the young age of fourteen, i told myself i would kill myself if you left. you, my god, my soul, my purpose, abandoned me. what type of god would leave its helpless, dependent servant to fend for herself? after brushing her hair and tending for her wounds, you have left me, my god. never to speak a holy word ever again.
andulkaphoto
blakekathryn
vaporwave
titsay
yousharknotpass
