Lotus Dawn by Fedor Lashkov
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Lotus Dawn by Fedor Lashkov
Hey, it's me again. I guess I'll start by saying December has officially become my least favorite month. The expectations, the exhaustion, and all the in-betweens just don't feel so festive & heartfelt anymore. I said no to all family/friends gatherings after Christmas because I'm planning to catch up on sleep, my to-read list, and my running plan. I just want a full week with no agenda but to make the best out of my days by doing things I truly enjoy. A quick summary of my year's highlights:
x Looking back, I didn't realize right away that the majority of my travels actually were in Mindanao. Would definitely come back to Siargao and Bukidnon!
x Unexpectedly, love has found me. It's not even the usual flutter of butterflies but moments of profound stillness that calm the chaos in my mind.
x I made a lot of new friends. Eighteen-year-old me would be surprised honestly because I didn't really believe then there was a place I'd easily fit without overthinking, but here we are. True enough that the less you care about being accepted/liked, the easier it becomes to simply put yourself out there. x So much of the escape I sought this year came from books. Nothing beats jap lit when I'm trying to deal with my deep-seated emotions. Thank you for reading. I hope we all have a restful holiday season kahit na ang traffic at ang daming kailangang gawin.
hey tumblr,
figured it would be fun to pop in randomly because it's been so long. life still feels like life, as chaotic, complicated, lovely, and amusing as it has always been.
one of my closest friends of more than a decade got engaged yesterday so we talked over the phone during her break a while ago. too bad she's gonna get married abroad but i told her i'll look into it because i sure wouldn't want to miss it given the very fact that she's the first one from our circle to get engaged. on running; because i'm training a junior at work and dst's over, i usually finish past 6 so running has become extra hard due to the morning heat. but if anything, here's what i realized: any k is better than nothing. consistently showing up is no easy feat but having a solid foundation in it gives a backbone for grit to power through the laziest and the worst of my days. after having to run half-mary last year, i just really want to keep the routine for my overall health. everything else will just be a bonus. to be honest, it sure does hurt my pockets but the roi to my health is definitely incomparable. never thought i'd willingly spend 8-10k on shoes alone 🤯 i don't know where life will take me this year. so i'll just keep my head high and hope and pray for the better. i'm ready to get pruned if need be. take care, hoomans.
just been in a state of languish again for the past week or so because of work. trust me when say I already sat down with my bosses to communicate my frustrations. at first, I thought i was just feeling burned out but the fog has finally cleared and I realized I'm actually shrinking because my idea of growth is not being supported. i tried talking to a couple of colleagues i'm close with to get some feel to it if it's just me. salary-wise and work-wise, i have no complaints kasi i love what I do and i think i could do more but in terms of coaching and mentorship, parang hangin lagi kausap yung manager ko. parang pipigain ko lagi for a feedback. he's a good person no question, but he's not manager-material. unfortunately, nasa state ako na i really want to fly high pero i can't and feeling ko nati tie ako to the ground. ayun, i might submit my resig come january - if you're wondering why it took me this long, it's because i really tried to have a sit down first with my bosses but it's very clear now that our differences cannot be bridged. at the end of the day, it's as simple as it's either gonna work or not.
hey, it's been a hot minute since I last posted here. life's been really busy as always because your hooman always finds a way to look for new adventures. two weeks ago, I was just on a week-long trip with my friends. then a few days ago, I joined my first half marathon. and tomorrow, I'm flying for another trip but this one's work-related. i wanna write this down because my journal's been empty for weeks and i just wanna put it out there somewhere how i managed to do all these things i'm so proud of accomplishing- not to brag or anything but just really to express how much discipline it took me to consistently show up to my commitments in life and at work. it feels so empowering to be at this point in life where i'm just so sure i like the person i am and the person i am becoming.
Your personal triggers and squicks do not get to determine what kind of art other people make.
People make shit. It's what we do. We make shit to explore, to inspire, to explain, to understand, but also to cope, to process, to educate, to warn, to go, "hey, wouldn't that be fucked up? Wild, right?"
Yes, sure, there are things that should be handled with care if they are used at all. But plenty more things are subjective. Some things are just not going to be to your tastes. So go find something that is to your tastes and stop worrying so much about what other people are doing and trying to dictate universal moral precepts about art based on your personal triggers and squicks.
I find possession stories super fucking triggering if I encounter them without warning, especially if they function as a sexual abuse metaphor. I'm not over here campaigning for every horror artist to stop writing possession stories because they make me feel shaky and dissociated. I just check Does The Dog Die before watching certain genres, and I have my husband or roommate preview anything I think might upset me so they can give me more detail. And if I genuinely don't think I can't handle it, I don't watch it. It's that simple.
#this excludes writing pedo or incest.
If you look at the tags on my original post, this post was originally about hospital horror, and how it's allowed to exist even if an individual has medical trauma and doesn't like the genre. But since someone wanted to go and put some shit on my post that I disagree with:
No, actually, it doesn't exclude those things. Dark themes in fiction are allowed to exist whether you like them or not.
Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita was not a real little girl who really got brutalized. She was a fictional character. No real child was harmed. People are not reading Lolita and going out thinking, "oh, this told me to abuse children, and clearly it's morally okay now." The existence of Lolita is not responsible for the existence of CSA.
Wes Craven's New Nightmare was pretty meta, but Freddy Krueger was still never real and never hurt any real kids, either. He's a story. None of those kids ever died, none of them ever got abused, and Fred Krueger never got burned to death, because they're all fake and never existed. Murder and CSA in the real world aren't Freddy Krueger's fault.
Jaime and Cersei Lannister are not real people. They are fake. They are words on paper, and actors on a screen. Lena Headey and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau are not siblings, and did not ever have real sex in the show. It was fake, simulated, not real sex. No siblings actually fucked. Nobody is watching/reading Game of Thrones and thinking, "oh, I can totally go fuck my sibling with no repercussions now!" The existence of Game of Thrones is not responsible for real-world incest.
Guillermo del Toro's film Crimson Peak didn't kick off an epidemic of everyone deciding it's okay to fuck their sister and kill their wife. William Faulkner's "A Rose For Emily" isn't making people kill men and sleep with their corpses, and Emily never really killed Homer because neither of them actually exist in the first place.
John Wick isn't making people run out and become hitmen. The very cute doggy that infamously dies in the first movie was not actually a real dog death--the dogs in John Wick were treated very well, according to a ScreenRant article I found!
Ghostface was played by a combination of stuntmen and a very talented voice actor, and all his murder victims were actors who were filming a pretend story. It was all choreographed and nobody really died. The benind-the-scenes stuff for the Scream series is actually really cool if you're into that sort of thing like I am.
Arcane didn't put grenade launchers in people's hands and turn them into vigilante fighters juiced up on Super Drugs--and you know what, neither did any of the things the Batman franchise has churned out. The Joker and Scarecrow and Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn aren't out there terrorizing New York City, because they're fantasy supervillains who aren't real and can't hurt you.
The endless waves of bandits in Skyrim are pixels on a screen, and I'm not killing real men when I cut them down. No real people got hurt when my Sims 4 house caught fire. Playing Super Smash Brothers hasn't gotten me into underground fighting rings, and neither did watching Fight Club.
It's all fiction.
None of it is real.
The characters are fake and do not exist.
Curate your own media experience and get your head out of your ass.
[ID: a comment left by tumblr user msexcelfractal, which reads "Cool post OP, now do Birth of a Nation. End ID.]
Content warning: antiblackness, antisemitism, sinophobia, general discussion of bigotry and oppression
You really want to try and go there as if that's some kind of gotcha on the subject of dark fiction? Fine. Let's go there. I've got sources and free time.
Birth of a Nation is a horrific hate crime of a film. It is flagrantly racist and was connected to a surge in KKK membership. Nobody should watch that film for enjoyment. It's horrific. Nobody should be forced to watch it, either. You don't have to watch the film, and I don't recommend you do, unless you're actively involved in studying it for whatever reason. It's a bad, hateful movie.
I have not watched it in its entirety and I don't really ever intend to. There are Black scholars who have already broken it down and discussed it at length, and I don't feel I'm going to get anything out of the film that they haven't already covered. If I need to study Birth of a Nation in more depth for whatever reason, I'm going to defer to Black scholarship on the subject.
But if you tried to ban the film altogether? If you tried to erase it from existence? I would ask what the fuck is wrong with you. Banning Birth of a Nation does absolutely nothing to combat the racism that created it. It wouldn't stop racists from making racist art. It wouldn't erase the damage done by the film. It wouldn't go back in time and make it retroactively never made.
You know what banning it would do, though? It would strip film scholars of the ability to discuss it. It would prohibit people from talking about exactly why it was bad. It would inhibit honest conversations about what the film was and who it affected.
You know what you do with horrific bigoted art like Birth of a Nation? You have content warnings, like the one I put at the beginning of this reply. You don't spring it on people who don't want to discuss it. You don't put it on for people to watch without warning. You don't tell everyone you know to go and watch it and give it money.
You do things like what Warner Brothers did with their Tom and Jerry disclaimer:
“These animated shorts are products of their time. Some of them may depict some of the ethnic and racial prejudices that were commonplace in American society. These depictions were wrong then and are wrong today. While the following does not represent the Warner Bros. view of today’s society, these animated shorts are being presented as they were originally created, because to do otherwise would be the same as claiming these prejudices never existed.”
You damn sure don't erase it from history and pretend that ignoring it will solve bigotry. Censorship is not the answer, because censorship is always enforced harder on marginalized artists. You ban racism in film, you ban films by Black artists who are exploring the topic from their own perspective.
When the Hays Code banned "offense to other nations," you know what happened? It didn't stop racism in film, that's for damn sure. It instead gave bigoted censors a perfectly legal and easy way to shut down art by marginalized people, which they did gladly.
The rise of the Nazi Party in Germany resulted in the Reichsfilmkammer demanding the removal of all Jewish workers from Hollywood's European locations. American films began receiving heavy censorship and bans in Germany, and so American studios complied with the Reichsfilmkammer's demands in order to avoid legal trouble in Germany.
Despite the Nazi party's outright hostility toward Hollywood, the MPPDA office discouraged any negative depiction of Germany or the Nazi party. Germany had been such a huge market for American cinema that the Reichsfilmkammer's censorship codes for German films began impacting American-made cinema. Jewish representation in cinema all but disappeared overnight. Joseph Breen, the head of the censor board, was an open antisemite, going on open tirades against Jewish people. His censorship policies were flagrantly bigoted and only served to reinforce that bigotry on a systemic level.
In 1933, Herman J. Mankiewicz and Sam Jaffe tried and failed to make an anti-Hitler film titled "The Mad Dog of Europe." The Hays Code was used to deny the film's production. On July 17, 1933, Will Hays himself ordered the filmmakers to cease and desist, all in the name of "not offending Germany."
Said Joseph Breen, "It is to be remembered that there is strong pro-German and anti-Semitic feeling in this country, and, while those who are likely to approve of an anti-Hitler picture may think well of such an enterprise, they should keep in mind that millions of Americans might think otherwise.”
Variety said about the subject, “American attitude on the matter is that American companies cannot afford to lose the German market no matter what the inconvenience of personnel shifts."
Anna May Wong, a Chinese-American actress, lost out on a leading role in the film "The Good Earth," due to the Code's explicit ban on interracial relationships. The leading man had already been cast with a white man wearing yellowface, meaning that Wong was unable to be cast as the leading lady and love interest, even though the characters were supposed to both be Chinese. The role instead went to a German-American actress wearing yellowface, who went on to win an Oscar for the role.
Censorship doesn't help anyone. Censorship does not protect anyone. Censorship does not prevent bigotry, and in fact only serves to reinforce it.
Anyone who read this far and learned something: being an independent media censorship researcher doesn't exactly pay the bills, so check out my Ko-Fi or Patreon if you learned something and feel generous.
My main sources for this post are:
Pre-Code Hollywood: Sex, Immorality, and Insurrection in American Cinema, 1930-1934, by Thomas Doherty
The Dame in the Kimono: Hollywood, Censorship, and the Production Code, by Leonard J. Leff and Jerold L. Simmons
The Encyclopedia of Censorship, by Jonathon Green & Nicholas J. Karolides
Morality and Entertainment: The Origins of the Motion Picture Production Code - Stephen Vaughn
Sin in Soft Focus: Pre-Code Hollywood, by Mark A. Vieira
Forbidden Hollywood: The Pre-Code Era (1930-1934), When Sin Ruled the Movies, by Mark A. Vieira
Hollywood's Censor: Joseph I. Breen & the Production Code Administration, by Thomas Doherty
And since you made me talk about Birth of a fucking Nation, here are some additional resources for people who are actually interested in Black media history:
Birth of an Industry: Blackface Minstrelsy and the Rise of American Animation, by Nicholas Sammond
Archival Rediscovery and the Production of History: Solving the Mystery of Something Good - Negro Kiss (1898), by Allyson Nadia Field
Humor and Ethnic Stereotypes in Vaudeville and Burlesque, by Lawrence E. Mintz
The Original Blues: The Emergence of the blues in African American Vaudeville, by Lynn Abbott and Doug Seroff
Waltzing in the Dark: African American Vaudeville and Race Politics in the Swing Era, by Brenda Dixon Gottschild
Darkest America: Black Minstrelsy from Slavery to Hip-Hop, by Yuval Taylor and Jake Austen
Love & Theft: Blackface Minstrelsy and the American Working Class, by Eric Lott
The Prettiest Girl on Stage is a Man: Race and Gender Benders in American Vaudeville, by Prof. Kathleen B. Casey
Dancing Down the Barricades: Sammy Davis, Jr. And the Long Civil Rights Era, by Matthew Frye Jacobson
Blackface, Whiteface, Insult and Imitation in American Popular Culture, by John Strausbaugh
A Change in the Weather: Modernist Imagination, African American Imaginary, by Geoffrey Jacques
Hollywood Black: The Stars, The Films, The Filmmakers by Donald Bogle
The Blackface Minstrel Show in Mass Media: 20th Century Performances on Radio, Records, Film, and Television, by Tim Brooks
Oscar Micheaux and His Circle: African-American Filmmaking and Race Cinema of the Silent Era, by Pearl Bowser, Jane Gaines, and Charles Musser
America on Film: Representing Race, Class, Gender and Sexuality at the Movies, by Harry M. Benshoff and Sean Griffin
White: Essays on Race and culture, by Richard Dyer
Black American Cinema, edited by Manthia Diawara
Colorization: One Hundred Years of Black Films in a White World, by Wil Haygood
Framing Blackness: The African American Image in Film, by Ed Guerrero
Toms, Coons, Mulattoes, Mammies, & Bucks: An Interpretive History of Blacks in American Films, by Donald Bogle
White Screens, Black Images: Hollywood From the Dark Side, by James Snead
Reel Inequality: Hollywood Actors and Racism, by Nancy Wang Yuen
The Hollywood Jim Crow: the Racial Politics of the Movie Industry, by Maryann Erigha
Cathy Park Hong, from "Spring and All"
So lately I've been really speaking up at work about the things that really frustrate me (mainly incompetent colleagues) . I'm still deciding how to continuously go about it without losing my composure and my professionalism. But I'm glad to say I'm no longer afraid of people getting uncomfortable around me especially when I know I'm in the right. Damn, I think my college years brought up this side of me, though slow and almost imperceptible, it came just around in time enough for me to wholly embody it in this season when I need myself the most. Major facepalm sa lahat ng freeloaders out there - welp, this time I'm ready to be your nightmare (still in a professional manner lol).
Anyway, often we confuse our growth with our expectations - like how we're so quick to invalidate everything else when we commit a mistake or two, or how we wish we're better than the person we are now. Maybe because coming to terms with how naturally these things occur and how everybody has their own learning curve and ripening aren't something we always talk about as we were raised in a culture quick to jump to the next steps - a very promising attempt to hopefully never make the same mistake again. A disrespect to the person we're still growing and figuring out to be. Thinking about all these made me realize na "ah, i've really come this far". Used to be so anxious and scared of voicing out my concerns that I would always end up just accepting the burden pero ngayon mas may peace pala kasi it's not just fighting for the right thing but also affirming myself by upholding the values i believe in whether the other party accepts the correction or not.
How nice of pet express to call me regarding the order I placed last night. Apparently, they made an error with the stock posted online so they offered the option to cancel but in my mind, I don't wanna go through the hassle of placing another order again and receiving it separately so I asked if it was possible to just replace it with anything similar. The item's actually dry food for my 7-year-old half-lab. She asked me if my dog was a senior and I didn't even realize this until now - my precious dog's at that age huh. I remember how he fought so hard to survive distemper about 3 years ago and so I would always remind my two dogs that our pact is at least 10 years 😭 I guess now there will always be that looming feeling, that anticipatory grief, I'm not really quite sure how to navigate (who does, right?) because I'm so used to having them by my side.
It's finally the weekend. Initially, I told myself that since I had been spending so much time going out over the past three weeks this is the perfect time to recharge and catch up on my chores. I hate though that I'm feeling otherwise probably because I've been trying to convince myself to do a lot of things like enroll myself in a swimming class, go for a run, read a history book, visit a museum, etc. on top of work and other commitments- why exactly am I in a rush to do all these? I'm not sure. -- Well, now that I'm typing this down, I see how ridiculously trying I am. I was even questioning my exhaustion since Monday, boy was I too caught up - too greedy. Ah, greed, the way the tiniest amount of it creeps into our innocent desires until it takes the wheel, and what started as good becomes bad because while the destination remains the same, our hearts have changed. Something has changed. -- This post is an accumulation of thoughts written in the hours since 4AM. All I can say is that was cathartic and embarrassing. Hooman.
I love reading a book you are slightly too stupid for
ways to keep reading despite feeling stupid because the tags you all keep adding have made me realize that my post is being used to self harm:
recognize that stupidity is a cultural concept leveraged against stigmatized populations who operate from devalued spheres of intelligence
notice feelings of panic and shame and frustration rising in your body when you encounter a difficult text, react to them like a loving friend who thinks you deserve to learn things
recognize the conditioning it takes to convince someone they are too stupid to deserve to learn things
go back and read a difficult text whose meaning and nuances escaped you the first time around after you read two or three more and the first one has had time to cook in your brain
open your brain’s mouth like a whale shark and cruise through the water digesting anything that gets caught in your filter plates
Also: read essays/reviews, watch video explainers, watch movies about the book so you can have a deeper understanding. We have emotional intelligences, and sometimes it takes other's words to help us explain what we already *know* about the book.
And don't forget that everything is just a string of words. You can do it. ü
july - we tell our secrets somewhere else, somewhere safe - somewhere only we know.
Lol didn’t come this far to sit back and hush when there’s a freeloader floating around and messing with my momentum. Whether I decide to quit or stay longer, sabi ko talaga I will be his nightmare so he’ll know how to take accountability & responsibility. My college days trained me well, and now we’re in the real world - I honestly couldn’t care any less whether you like me or not at this point. Do your job right and I’ll be as quiet as air. Naalala ko pa back in March when we met in person, you told me that you liked the version of me in Slack more than in person kaya I’ll go all out para hindi ka na malito.
Still wondering at the back of my mind, “paano kung si Leni yung nanalo?”. With all the issues going on in and out of the country, isama mo pa yung personal issues mo sa life tapos yung sabog and incompetent na gobyerno, ang hirap mag hope that all these will make sense. Ang frustrating pa mag socmed, mga influencers na all about glamour and budol, mga untouched na by the reality of the bigger social problems out there. Hindi ko alam, baka ako lang ‘to today. They deserve what they worked hard for pero sometimes, hindi ba when you reach such a point, may bigger responsibility ka na rin to point people to the right direction? Anyway, nakita ko lang yung random video sa baha nung mga nagco commute or nagdedeliver late last night, nafrustrate lang ako. Napa buntong hininga. Parang mapapaisip ka minsan ano kayang kinain nila for breakfast? Kumain kaya sila? May pambayad pa kaya sila sa kuryente? May pampakain pa kaya sila sa pamilya? Tipong baka pagive-up na rin sila. Alam ko naman na we’re all doing our best to survive and to take care of our own selves. Na paano ka nga naman tutulong kung ikaw din tinutulungan mo pa sarili mo. Ang heartbreaking lang ng situation ng Pilipinas, ng mundo. Hindi ko rin alam. Minsan it all hits so deep, gusto ko na lang maging puno.