Roots @kat-titude - Tumblr Blog

The only failure is being too afraid to try.

-Eileen Gu

Sometimes I could just get so lost in my head and distracted and slow to get out of the house and I have a hard time giving myself permission to just chill out and do what I feel like doing instead of what I feel like I should do.

I wanted to make bread and a waffle starter today, but I don’t have all-purpose flour so I’m going to the store first for what I really wanna do is… I’m not really sure actually. Maybe that’s the problem. I want to do my handstand workout and I want to ride my bike and I want to swim and I want to crochet and I want to decide which project is next for me and I want to make some food items for the rest of the week so that my week doesn’t suck.

I often get lost in, not knowing which one to start first, and then the rest of my day has been eaten up by distraction and analysis paralysis.

These are just some raw honest, real thoughts from someone with ADHD and who is tired and needs to allow myself to just be. I think I brought all of these ideas of what I should do upon myself.

Cinnamon honey matcha cappuccino, yes please!

I got Wolf a mini espresso machine, and it has a steaming wand, which is all I want from it. 🤭

If my whole point in sharing my letter with my parents was to be understood, and then I would be mistaken. I would be lost in a endless bottomless pit of frustration and desperation. My whole point in writing the letter was to communicate my experience, my heart and my boundary. I had to let go of being understood six years ago. My whole childhood wound was not being understood. I have had to move on. I’m not going to be chasing my sisters down for them to understand me and believe The Best in me if they are already going to choose to believe the one narrative that they are given that says that I was mean and cruel to write the letter to them, end of story.

If I had a best friend, and I heard something negative about her from a family member that I knew had hurt her, I would call her and ask to hear her side. Someone who truly believes the best in someone and trusts the person Will question when they hear only one side of something.

I love my sisters, and I always will, but I’ve started to see their actions, not aligning with what they say, similar to my parents. I don’t have energy or space for people who choose not to see my light, but instead choose to believe the opposite. If they want to pretend and ignore me because they believed the story, then I will let them. I’m not going to Chase and beg and Over explain myself to those who don’t ask questions or want to know or have my back.

However, I will add that my oldest sister has made an effort to listen and have a relationship and has shown humility and care when I expressed my experience and my hurt with her, and that means a lot. That’s worth some effort.

It hit me last night as I lay in bed after a day of getting things done and arguing with my partner, sex that was for him, no real connection.. but we sure accomplished a lot…

I’ve known this but I felt it more.. that when Wolf can’t be there for me in the way I need him to, I don’t have anyone else who is truly there for me, in person, if even on the phone. The loneliness brought me to tears. I know that we come into this world and leave this world just as ourselves, and that we’re not truly alone because the universe and our ancestors and our spirit guides are all around us guiding us, but I’m talking about real human souls right now.

I haven’t felt any real desire to get to know anyone yet since moving back to Bellingham seven months ago, with the transitions of moving, living and moving out of Taryn’s, the intense fights Wolf and I have had, Wolf’s brain surgery, setting my boundary with my parents and processing that, and especially the stress of working at the Cordata Starbucks. My social battery has felt so empty…I’ve felt so empty.

But since transferring to the Fairhaven Starbucks recently where it’s not so draining and I’m getting more days off to recover, I feel my spirit and nervous system begin to germinate and my feelings aren’t so numb anymore…

And with that come feelings of loneliness as well.

I miss my girlfriends and want to grow meaningful relationships here in my own town. I want to laugh together, to trust each other and be there for each other, not just in a crisis. It takes so much time and effort to grow that, so I haven’t wanted to put that in or believed that it could be that again, but I really do need that, and I know people like Janis do, too.

I’ve recently learned that men and their hormones are regulated by dopamine, but that women and their hormones are regulated by oxytocin, not getting things done, but by connection and laughter and hugs. I definitely could use some more of that, and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

Hey, feelings... Nice to know you again..

#Spotify

Yesterday was really fun and unexpected! Wolf came with me to go get two things at the grocery store and we saw a friend who was going to downtown sounds so we decided to go last minute. Wolf didn’t feel like dancing, so I was dancing by myself, but when I saw this lady, we looked at each other and matched each other’s energy. I want a girlfriend who I can dance with like this at shows together. All of my soul sisters live far away! 😭

June jewels on Galby

I’ve been learning a lot about my own heritage that I come from such as the Frisian’s and Germanic old tribes and I see myself in them, by their fighting spirit to not be tamed and controlled by Charlemagne and with our love for nature and our deep connection with it. I deeply resonate with their seasonal celebrations of seasonal changes and gratitude and abundance for all that earth gives us. I have for years and for some reason, it’s now clicking to me of how that is in my own lineage, and I am not alone in my own fight for my spiritual freedom, as well as my own ways of being that feel misunderstood and rejected by my own immediate family.

But Papa, Bob was also living out his own heritage and he didn’t even know it. He dedicated his career to protect protecting and managing forests and ran towards the fires in order to do so in his smoke jumping career.

I come from an independent, innovative people, full of spirit and deep wisdom connected to nature. I feel that I am reclaiming that for the family lineage, or at least for myself, but I don’t think I’m alone in this healing. I’m doing it for Papa and for great grandma Bella, and for everyone else that the records have not preserved, and for my own future kids and future grandkids. I pray that my existence heals theirs and finishes what they couldn’t.

Root to Rise.

🌟✨

I have more to say on this later, but main thing is that we made it out to Papa’s base where he trained as a smoke jumper and we got to watch a jump and I buried his smokejumper watch out in the safety hills under a tree in his honor.

This morning, I woke up to the sound of a distressed bunny and squawking crows. I threw on a robe and ran out as fast as I could to find a baby bunny, dropped into a gutter of a low roof. I picked it up, dripping, wet, and held it to my chest, as I brought it inside, cursing the crows for their cruelty. As soon as I held her, she wasn’t moving anymore, in shock or dying, I didn’t know. I I placed her in a cat bed and got dressed as quickly as I could, planning to take her to a wildlife rehab. She wasn’t moving, and I couldn’t feel her breathing anymore, but I put her in a box, wrapped in a towel and left the house with her, for all the hope there was of her making it. But after five more minutes, I pulled over to check on her and she wasn’t breathing or moving still.

I prayed over her and held her in my lap, in my hands, sending her all the love and the healing energy that I could in hopes that she might take hold of it.

I cried over her and apologized for the cruelty of the crows and of this world and for how short her little life was.

I brought her home, and wrapped and sewed her up in some Grannie squares I had made, dug her a hole, sang to her, prayed some more and laid a Dolomite stone on her grave.

Go in peace, little one, and May the longtime Sun shine upon you, all light surround you. May the Pure Light within you guide your way On. Sat Nam.

Just last night, we had seen her all alone, perfect, adorable and tiny, and also vulnerable. Where was her mommy? We corralled her to a better hiding spot, so our cats wouldn’t find her, and kept our cats inside until she did, hoping she would reunite with her mother or that she was old enough to make it on her own. But she was too vulnerable.

I find myself burying many little creatures that I’ve wanted so badly to care for with feeders, and my cat ends up killing them or another predator does. So far, I’ve buried three in our yard already, and 5 or 6 mice while living in the van. I always say a prayer and try to honor them the best I can.

I just want to save and protect all the innocent creatures, and it breaks my heart when I see these things and am unable to stop them. I want to protect, save and heal all the weak and vulnerable beings, especially the animals. I’ll find a way to do that with my existence.

#Spotify

I think I’m a 3 today…

More and more, I just want to keep to myself and am so content to not hang out with anyone except for my partner and cats, and only about three other lifelong friends on a rare occasion.. I have several messages from people and I just have no motivation to respond or hang out. I just love my space and time alone, and I feel like I should feel guilty about it, but I don’t really.

Some relatable gems for how I’m feeling lately in this era…

After sending that letter, within less than 12 hours, Julie contacted her friend and made up an untrue story about me being in an abusive relationship with Wolf to blame him for my letter and make him the villain, as if I don’t have my own voice and autonomy, and to side step from accountability or thoughtful analysis. I know this because one of my best friends is her best friend’s daughter, and her mom reached out to her that morning as well, asking if she’d ever been concerned for my safety. Ryssa backed me up and confirmed that she believes we’re perfect for each other and that it’s not a true story. Julie also told my older sister the same story. She doesn’t think I know either.

After about a week of them sending me Bible verses and telling me that I can never lose their love no matter what I say (which is not the point of my letter at all), as if to make me the prodigal daughter and twist the story even more.. I sent them this:

People in my life have raised my standards for what it means to be there for someone:

-Shelley provided emotional support and offered to fly out the next day when I was stressed out when Wolf decided to get surgery for his brain tumor. And when we have kids, she offered themselves as backup for us.

-Our friend Taryn broke her ankle and her mom flew out the next day and made sure she was cared for.

-Wolf provided support to his aunt, who had two kids, to help her get out of Isreal during the Gaza war. He helps his family, even during conflict or when he didn’t have much.

-Emily checks in on me every week, asks what she can do to practically be there for me and helps without any request

-Wolf is currently providing emotional, financial and strategic support to help Alaina and her kids get out of homelessness.

I would like for both of you to give me a time that you went out of your way to be there for me as a parent in the past ten years.

This sobered them and they actually sent an apology and some money (money was not what I was asking for and does not fix things, but I see they’re kind of trying through that).

I’m giving myself time to process and decide what I want from here.

I wrote this to my parents a couple of days ago and want to save it in case I forget what I wrote…

This is from me and it’s the truth:

To both Gary and Julie,

True family should embody Love, courage, having each other’s backs, and Truthful words. What I’ve seen is pretending. When I’ve needed you most, you’ve chosen denial and withdrawal over actually showing up. You’ve valued control, money and pride over our relationship. Your words have become empty to me… When will you truly care about your daughters? If one of your grandchildren becomes homeless or gets hurt, would you go out of your way to help them? Action is Truth; one or two phone calls doesn’t cut it.

No more waiting. I’m stopping my participation in the fakeness. What you do with that is up to you. Don’t shift the blame onto someone else; own up to your own responsibilities. This isn’t written out of anger — it’s just boundaries. But this is most likely the last that you’ll hear from me.

If there’s any inheritance, please provide it to the grandkids; they’re going to really need it.

I’m not asking you to be sorry. I’m asking you to be better.

1 John 3:18 — “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.”

From Kathryn

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