"my redeemer lives"

My name is Katarina Silva and I write about Jesus.

[katarina-writes-about-jesus]

Jesus has been calling me my entire life. There has been times when it's been annoying but I believe I'm finally at a place where I'm only grateful. I'm grateful and amazed, and frankly, surprised that our Lord has a grip of my soul that no sin can remove.

Sometimes people say "oh people just believe because they have been told to believe" or "they're just cradle Christians", "it's all they know". Where does that put us? The people who found Christ after 20? No one has told me to be Christian. This is my story.

At first I didn't want to write this out. This is Katarina-writes-about-Jesus after all, not Katarina-writes-about-Katarina but as I battle with what to write about I realised something. All I want to say about Jesus starts with this.

In the beginning I didn't really care. I was baptised as an infant, we went to church on Christmas and they put on a little nativity play every year. I was Virgin Mary three years in a row and Angel Gabriel one year. My best friend growing up came from a hyper religious family (Swedish baptists I think?) and I followed her to a christian summer camp. That was fun. But it was fun because we sang and put on another play (this time I played Jesus! If I recall it correctly, it was the scene where Jesus feeds the 5000. No idea why they let a girl play Jesus but I was happy). I didn't really care about Christianity at this point.

My mom is from Turkey, her family is Muslim. She joined the Swedish church and was baptized to marry my dad. She didn't believe though. My father was born in the 40s so "of course" he comes from a Christian family, at least culturally. I don't know if my grandparents were church going people, I've never met them. The older my dad got, the less religious he seemed to become. I tried to get them to go to church with me but the older we got, the more they dropped it. It must be at least 15 years since my parents came with me to church even for Christmas. Comparing that to the man who forced me to get confirmated when I didn't want to. When it was my little sisters turn, she didn't have to. So something did happen.

But let's go back in time. After church camp. Before confirmation. Let's go back to 1999- 2000. I was ten years old and we moved to UAE. My dad worked at a Tawam Hospital in Al Ain, mom was a stay at home mom and my sister and I were sent to Lebanese private school. I had just learned to read (I learned veeery late, not ashamed, I caught up) and I had turned into a proper bookworm. Between horse books, Harry Potter and a biography on Marie Curie belonging to my mom, I found Jesus in my Children's bible. I read my Children's bible like a story book at first and very quickly I learned the stories by heart. Jonah and the whale, Noomi and Ruth, Daniel, Adam and Eve, Moses, Joseph, I loved them all.

I was especially fascinated with how they used to live and worship during Abraham's time. Especially since I lived in the desert at this time. I would mix soap with water and place outside on the balcony because I wanted it to be an offering, like they described in the old testament according to me.

We had talked about staying in the Middle East almost indefinitely. But then the 11th of September 2001 happened. At my school, many were locals and we carried on like normal but at my dad's work they started doing bomb exercises and I know that at other English speaking schools they were doing the same. We moved in December the same year and placed my sister and I back in Swedish schools.

These were difficult years for me. Extreme reverse cultural clash and I struggled a lot, especially with Swedish lessons. I had to grow up and one day I stopped reading my Children's bible. I fell into the world and right into paganism/ witchcraft. I was 14. Lonely and weird. I wish I hadn't. That world and those practices are so, for me, charming, tantalizing. Books. Trinkets. Community. Self-love. Even now I pray when I see posts about it here on tumblr or on TikTok or if I hear other people talking about it. It is so tempting for me to fall back into it. It's a temptation that I struggle with even to this day. I even tried the "christian witch" or "christian pagan" thing. That is of course, nonsense.

I was very lost at this time. When I was older, around 17, I read the Davinci Code. I knew nothing. So I was absolutely obsessed with it. And I'm so grateful for this. Because it's a garbage book, yes and today I hate it so much lol. But it led me to an obsession that made me choose theology when I went to university of Aberdeen four years later. I thought the story was true. It was not. But I studied old testament history, the gospels, gender in the bible and more. Some of my teachers were christian, some not. Most of my fellow students were Christians. This, however, was when I decided to try to be Muslim.

It didn't last for long, I think I was longing for my old life, I had after all lived in the Middle East and the language and music is comforting to me. I'll make another post about Islam at another time.

During January 2010 I took my first steps towards Jesus, only halfheartedly. My heart yearned for something I couldn't put my finger on. I started going to a baptist church with some friends. I hung out at the student chaplain together with the same friends. We even went to the Catholic chaplain a couple of times.

By the time I moved back to Sweden (I didn't finish the theology degree because I realized I wanted to be a midwife, which ironically is not what I wounded up as) I called myself a Christian and started going to church regularly, my church, the Swedish Lutheran church.

I have debated on whether to be honest about this or not because I haven't told a living soul. Because I know how it sounds. But somewhere around 2011 I believe I started hearing the voice of God. A small voice telling me to do the right thing. Very specific. "Help him." "Say you're sorry". I'm sad to say my sinful behavior silenced that voice and since then I haven't heard it. But I swear I did.

I have had times that when I didn't want to be Christian. I've googled "why God doesn't exist" or "why Christianity doesn't make sense." I've been the worst human I could be. Honestly. I ran away from the burden of bearing a cross next to Christ. Or something something. Honestly, I don't know what's wrong with me. Sinful nature of a human. And I'm so incredibly weak. I wanted to belong. Being a Christian was boring, plain. I had always feel outside. And that has been my life for the last... wow, fifteen years or so. I have had small times when I have called myself Christian again but after 2012 I didn't become a regular church going, bible reading woman until now. And by now it's been two years or so. What happened was that I had a baby and then my father died and my who life came crashing down on me. I don't have energy to tell you everything that transpired when we lost my father who was the very heart of my family and extended family.

...and when I was at my lowest point and close to suicidal, I begged God to take my life. So far he hasn't. Instead he has enriched me and taken care of everything. He has taken care of every conflict that I've come in contact with since. I started reading my bible every day (for several months it was every day, now it's not every day but several times a week). I started praying all day most days, little prayers, big prayers and I've been to church a lot. At first the whole family came with me, then it was me and my mom. Now it's just my toddler and I, me running in and out of the children's room, following him up and down the isle. The priest has assured me that my toddler isn't disturbing but it still worries me. I will keep going. They have a good children's room with the most adorable children's books. The priest even gave my son one book last Sunday about "my bible friends", it's about Noah, Daniel, Moses and more people. It's awesome. I love my church. It's nice to belong.

So here I am. More than anything I'm a Christian. Jesus has carried me here. He has saved me. And he is saving me. I have found my place in the world and for the first time I feel like I'm living for God. I'm using my talents for him. And there are a lot of sins that I'm suddenly not committing anymore. Things I didn't think I could stop doing. And this is why I started this blog. So that I could tell people about Jesus. I was trying to do it without talking too much about me but I realized that I was being ridiculous. Jesus interacts with people. When people share their testimony they talk about their experience with him. Not just empty words but showing in a tangible way that Jesus is alive. He exists. He is real.

I want to finish this post with the Nicene Creed.

I believe in one God, the Father almighty, maker of heaven and earth,  of all things visible and invisible.

I believe in one Lord Jesus Christ,  the Only Begotten Son of God,  born of the Father before all ages.  God from God, Light from Light,  true God from true God,  begotten, not made, consubstantial with the Father;  through him all things were made.  For us men and for our salvation  he came down from heaven,  and by the Holy Spirit was incarnate of the Virgin Mary,  and became man.  For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate,  he suffered death and was buried,  and rose again on the third day  in accordance with the Scriptures.  He ascended into heaven  and is seated at the right hand of the Father.  He will come again in glory  to judge the living and the dead  and his kingdom will have no end.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life,  who proceeds from the Father and the Son,  who with the Father and the Son is adored and glorified,  who has spoken through the prophets.

I believe in one, holy, catholic and apostolic Church.  I confess one Baptism for the forgiveness of sins  and I look forward to the resurrection of the dead  and the life of the world to come. Amen.

[dailyeffectiveprayer]

The devil wants you to worry, God wants you to pray.

[orthodoxsoul]

[fifths-world]

[nostalgicamerica]

[voiceforjesus]

Every breath I take will praise Jesus Christ.

[eternal-echoes]

Easier said than done

[ihopeinjesus]

[golden-gospel-poet]

He doesn’t rush the process 🌄

[orthodoxadventure]

Only through the breath of Life-giving power of Your coming, Adam, who was formed from the earth, is reborn alive in the wombs of mothers, through every child. Through You, Life is ever conceived, from which the truest cry breaks forth: Alleluia!

When my spirit was absent from me, You knew my paths…, confesses the one inspired by You. Likewise, I, who was formed in my mother’s womb by the grace of procreation established by You, was raised with the spirit without even being able to understand how, through the economy of Your being. You truly gave birth to me in the womb of the Mystery of Holy Baptism, and only through You can I recognize and praise You in the words:

Here You are!

Here You are, my mother’s prayer;

Here You are, the Life of the children in their mother’s womb;

Here You are, the Peace of children at their mother’s breast;

Here You are, serenity, joy, and purity of childhood;

Here You are, the Virginity and wisdom of youth;

Here You are, candor spread like invisible powder on their childish cheeks;

Here you are, the smile of their gentle love;

Here you are, Most Holy Spirit, You who in Mystery brings all things into being!

[From the Canticle of the Holy Spirit]

[esters-notepad]

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

-Rom 12:18

[dailyeffectiveprayer]

Amen

[beginnerblueglass]

I’ll never forget the story my dad told about the time our church was contacted by a man who was in need of some money for food, so the pastor took my dad to meet this guy at a cafe to talk about what was going on in his life, and some specific ways they could help, both materially and spiritually. The guy rebuffed every attempt to establish any kind of relationship or to hear the gospel, and made it very clear that he just wanted the money. When the pastor eventually gave him a gift card for a grocery store, he got upset that it wasn’t cash.

Another story is of my former pastor who had a man walk into church after the service and ask for money for food. The pastor said he’d take him to lunch at the MacDonalds down the block, and they could talk about what was going on in this guy’s life, and how the pastor and church could help. The pastor got a phone call at the door, so he handed the guy a twenty dollar bill and told him he could go order. After his phone call, he went into the restaurant and the man was nowhere to be seen. He’s taken his whole $20 and skedaddled.

Another story of a pastor who invited a man who had come to the church asking for money for food to his house for dinner. Later that night, the man broke into the pastor’s house, stole a bunch of stuff, and stole his car.

Rest assured pastors are used to people dealing with them in bad faith. These men remain some of the most generous people I know. They give to all who ask them. But a pastor’s willingness or unwillingness to give his church’s money and resources to someone he doesn’t know, who will not even attempt to engage in the community that is a church, especially someone who won’t even show up in person, is not an accurate barometer to gauge the generosity of a church or individual or Christians in general. The pastor’s job is also to protect his flock from wolves, like scammers who prey on the generosity of kindhearted people.

[thisbibliomaniac]

My pastor (we do not have a secretary) gets calls begging for money on a regular basis. Meanwhile, my church, as well as individual members, gave generously to friends of mine who were regular attenders, but not members, when they had an emergency.

We both give to and volunteer at the local food bank. We both give to and volunteer at the local pregnancy center.

Yes, the church is ready and willing to do for the community, but the reality is that much of the community is desperate to scam the church.

[historicaldisaster]

Ex Church Secretary here! Can confirm what has been said above and add more stories.

I was told first day of the job that I was NEVER to give cash to anyone who asked for help. Multiple secretaries in churches around the area had begun being harassed and even stalked by individuals who had identified the church and these women as likely to give free handouts. In addition, multiple churches had suffered break ins shortly after and it was believed people were asking for cash in order to confirm that money was being kept on sight for them to break in and steal later. I had a panic button that had been installed directly because of incidents like this where previous secretaries had been threatened and needed the pastors to come and help.

Our local churches were not wealthy, and thus decided to pool resources into a singular organization of local churches. Through this organization we paid rent, covered car repairs, handled groceries, babysitting, etc. It allowed churches to cover more ground together than we could apart. We were regularly accused of refusing to help people in need because the aid did not come through our doors, but through the organization's doors. Many churches cannot provide enough resources on their own, but by giving what they have to a specialized organization they can more effectively give to the community. Them telling people to go to ____ organization is not washing their hands of the issue, its helping someone get to the resources the church is helping to make available.

3. This multi-church organization we have was open to anyone in need, and the only barrier to entry was that we would pay directly to whoever needed to be paid and did not directly hand out cash. This quickly weeded out those who genuinely had something they needed help with, and those who just wanted cash. We also used second hand donations when we could to help stretch things. I frequently heard heartbreaking stories about how children would starve and anything would help, only to be cussed out and hung up on when I said we could pay their grocery bill through or organization or I could give them a grocery card, but I didn't have any cash. I had one woman bring her son in without any shoes asking for help, only to get angry and leave when I showed her our second hand shoes that she could grab any of that she needed. The amount of people angry because they didn't get cash was over twice the amount of people who actually took the aid we could offer. In fact, it was so rare for someone to actually accept help, that I remember them distinctly compared to the flood of angry, violent people who just wanted a quick buck.

The unfortunate reality is that it is dangerous and stupid for churches to hand out cash without any boundaries or discretion. It's a disservice to the people donating resources, and it's a cruel injustice to people who genuinely need these things, because they are inevitably outrun and cut off by opportunists who get there first and taken everything they can get. Every other charity operates with this kind of discretion or should be, and there is little to no criticism of them for doing so.

The reality is that people don't have a problem with how churches run charity, they have a problem with churches.

[beginnerblueglass]

👆👆👆

[dailyeffectiveprayer]

Lord, guide me in walking with You throughout this day. In Jesus Name, amen.

[orthodoxadventure]

Saint Sava Orthodox Church in Stockholm, Sweden

[scarabesque-returns-deactivated]

[voiceforjesus]