Kate Dudley

Experience Breakthrough: The Art of Rediscovering Yourself

[katedudley]

CryRx

Several months ago I took on a freelance project, and worked with the software designer of CryRx.  It was a huge project of writing pages and pages about social anxiety for a chatbot Crystal.  I was new to the concept of chatbots, although I had seen movies and read books about artificial intelligence. Yet, what I loved most about this project was that the creator wanted the language to be conversational, and include perspectives from several different mental health professionals.  

As a writer, and a psychotherapist/business owner, finding a balance between charisma and academia can be difficult.  I have attempted the traditional research-based academic style of writing.  However, for me, it lacks in emotion and can read rather dry.  I wanted to provide CryRx with a mixture of wit and intellect.  

My hope for anyone using Crystal is that they may have in-the-moment anti-anxiety assistance, as well as a further depth into how to assist friends and family members who may struggle with social anxiety.  As always though, our phones can’t replace human interaction and the benefit of psychotherapy.  But for the moments when you need it, Crystal may help you out.

[katedudley]

Am I standing up straight?

My last year of graduate school was stressful.  Not only was school winding down, but I was also interning at a major hospital in Chicago and planning my wedding.  Medical complications were the last things I needed to deal with that year.  Yet, I had managed to fall down my fire escape on an icy day.  

For months I spent hours and money investing in my medical care, while trying to figure out what damage had been done by the fall.  I was receiving additional testing, steroid injections, and eventually physical therapy.  Three days a week I attended physical therapy to try and get my hips and legs stronger, yet I was in pain constantly.  Eventually I adapted to the pain and gave up on trying to correct it.

Fast forward several years and the pain was still there.  I had adapted to it so much that I forgot the majority of the time that I was in pain.  Physical pain became my normal.  Then one day someone told me that one leg was longer than the other.  Hmph.  So it was readjusted.  I was ecstatic that finally someone had figured out what was wrong--not just someone but a regular, non-medical working person at my church.

But.  Then I checked the next day and I was out of alignment again.  So I figured out how to readjust myself.  And then the next day, the same thing happened.  For months this occurred until finally I asked myself, “Am I standing up straight?”  

I wasn’t.  I had been walking for years, possibly always, with my hips rotated forward.  So at 32-years-old I learned to walk with proper alignment from head-to-toe.  It’s been months now and my pain has decreased by 75%.  

I share this story because that’s what this can be like... life.  Something so fundamental, like learning how to walk properly, can be easily missed.  We assume that if we’re walking relatively normal to the every day eye, then we must be okay.  But sometimes we’re not.  Sometimes we’re in excruciating pain that we just adjust to.  And sometimes that underlining reason goes back to something that should’ve been taught, but wasn’t.

Maybe you didn’t grow up hearing the words “I love you.”  Maybe you didn’t know that everything was going to be okay.  So you spent years of your life trying to fix what was broken, without really understanding that one of the root fundamentals of life might have been missing.  I want to encourage you to talk to yourself.  Ask yourself what’s wrong, what’s missing, and what you need.  Have some one-on-one time with yourself.  Even when you mess up, you still take care of yourself.  You know yourself far better than I do.  You’ve gotten yourself through this much and you’ll continue to do so.  It’s okay to lean on yourself a little bit.  I think you can take it, because you’re so brave.  You’re so, so brave.  And whether I know you or not, I’m really happy you’re here.  I’m happy you’re reading these words and that you continue to fight for yourself.  I’m cheering for you.  Keep going.  You’ve got this. 

[katedudley]

The Emotion of Shame

I went for a walk yesterday.  Often times when I walk I’m thinking about concepts and my own personal experiences with them.  I had been reflecting on a conversation with a friend about dreams.  Our dreams are often our subconscious acting out in some way or another while we are sleeping.  They can be caused by thoughts, feelings, experiences, or behaviors.  It dawned on me that individuals I know who feel a lot of shame will often dream shameful situations.  It reminded me of stories where a spouse dreamt that they cheated on their partner, only to be woken with puddles of shame around them.

Shame.

I often describe to people that shame is the worst feeling in the world--partly because I have experienced it and also because I've seen the destruction one can do to themselves when they act out in reaction to the shame they feel.  It’s a horrible cycle.

Imagine walking around all day long with a world view of, “I am unlovable.”  Maybe you feel that way because people treated you poorly.  Maybe you experienced trauma and it wasn’t your fault.  Somewhere along the line a piece of you was lost and shame was replaced.  Engaging in conversations, ordering a cup of coffee, and going through your daily tasks would be effected by it.  Yet in the midst of all of it is shame.  It swishes around your mouth while you talk with others.  It sits around the rim of your coffee cup.  It pushes to your finger tips while you’re folding the laundry and doing the dishes.  It’s there and we can’t see it.  Yet something in us just feels bad and we need to escape.  So we numb with a drink, with the cut of a blade, or with an episode or 10 on Netflix.  

Or we create a situation that will make us feel shame.  I see this often.  An act of sabotage.  A fight that was picked.  When I hear people tell me, “I was looking for a fight,” I tend to see it because they are wanting connection with someone (even through the negative) or they need to reinforce the shame they already felt.  

I suppose we all feel shame from time to time.  Have you?  My heart aches for you if you have.  I think the worst part is that most of the time shame is bestowed upon us when we haven’t even done anything wrong.  So, whatever it is that you feel shame about--I'm really sorry.  There are methods to combat it and ways to get through it.  Self-love often being a key factor.  

May I encourage you to do something for you today, whether it’s in this moment or later?  What is something you can do or say to yourself to spread some love to that heart within?  For me, right now I am drinking a hot cup of tea.  I’m sitting in my office and it’s pouring down with rain.  It’s one of those days that is so gloomy.  I can’t tell what time it is by looking outside.  I appreciate days like today because time stands still for a moment.  I’m able to take a breath and then a sip, while allowing myself to be still and rest.  My body adjusts to the warmth of my beverage and I’m mindful.  It tastes like chocolate and has a texture of velvet in my throat.  And while I drink I imagine its nourishing my body, while continuing to steam away any remnants of shame.

[katedudley]

Smiling Mind

When I started my private practice last year I decided to embrace the idea of living intentional.  Every detail of the practice was designed to create the atmosphere of breakthrough and healing.  That also meant that I needed to begin living more intentional.  

In graduate school I heard the slogan, “Don’t expect your clients to do anything you wouldn't do.”  That phrase always stuck with me and really challenged me once I became a business owner.  I had to not only live with intention, but also mindful of how I was living my own life.  I couldn’t expect to refer a client to a resource if wouldn’t use if it I needed it or if I hadn’t tried it or had some sort of experience with it.  I wanted to be able to provide guidance and understanding from my own experience and expertise.  I wanted to provide others with the opportunity to say, “I want what Kate has.”  Not out of envy, but out of possibility and hope.

Possibility has been my word for 2018.  It stirs something in me when others use it or when I read it.  

Possibility.  

So much hope lives in the realm of possibility and sometimes when we’re experiencing emotional discomfort, hope is exactly what we need.  The possibility of wholeness, restoration, and victory in the battle of our struggles.  I suppose its the knowing of when a medical professional is battling their own illness while also continuing to care for those who need them.  It’s the teacher who goes to night classes for continuing education.  It’s the mental health providers who are nurturing their own internal wounds to pour out more love on others who need it.  We’re all human, we’re all trying, and we all live in a realm of possibility in some way or another.  I long to assist others in stepping into that hope, even when they can’t see it or feel it.

My mother sent me an article yesterday detailing a study of women who had been through sexual violence.  They combined meditation and exercise for one hour and had reduced symptoms of traumatic thinking.  So today I decided to try it.  I meditated for 20 minutes and then continued on with my morning yoga routine.  Meditation has always been difficult for me because my mind wanders so much.  The Smiling Mind app provided me a guided tour of scanning my body, concentrating on my breathing, and allowing peace to interweave in the places where I hold tension and emotions.  I highly recommend this app and it think its brilliant that they intentionally created it for all ages--a generation of new possibilities.

[katedudley]

June 4, 2017 I received a call.  I had experienced something similar in my personal life before, but I had yet to receive it in regards to my work.  

“She hung herself.”

I had been standing on the deck that surrounds the back of my house and instantly dropped to my knees.  The shock, the guilt, and the confusion rushed over me.  I had worked with many suicidal clients in the past, but this was unexpected.  I did not go into work mode.  I did not attempt to regulate my own emotions.  Instead, I asked her dad, “Where are you?” And then I went.

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of her death.  I received permission from her father to post about this because it’s a sensitive topic. However, it’s also too sensitive.  I’ve yet to fully grasp how this death impacted me over the past 365 days.  It’s also something I don’t forget and I don’t take lightly.  We’ve become numb to suicide, suicidal feelings, and self-harming behaviors.  We’re desensitized to the vastness of what those thoughts, feelings, and actions do.  Yet, there’s a family today, specifically today, who is grieving the loss of a child to suicide.

This past winter her father asked me to speak at a suicide prevention event.  It boggled my mind that he did not blame me and held compassion for me despite the outcome of his daughter’s life.  I had toggled with the idea on whether or not to speak, but it seemed against everything inside of me for my own discomfort to shield me from telling her story- our story.  

You see, therapists don’t necessarily talk about this stuff.  One in four mental health clinicians will lose a client to suicide.  I didn’t know that until I looked it up after my client had died.  I was not prepared for how to handle it and to this day the resources on the topic for clinicians are slim to none.  However, making her death about me at all feels even worse.  But I suppose that is my point, when someone dies to suicide we are all impacted.  I was impacted by her because she was the one of the few teenagers I actually liked.  Her style was phenomenal and she challenged me to go outside the box with nail polish and other fashionable things.  But her death confused me.  I had only met with her three times.  It left me with unresolved feelings.  Could I have done something?  What signs did I miss?  What coping skills could I have provided?  I reviewed my notes time and time again... only to be left empty handed because I didn’t see any gaps.  

It happened and I can’t make sense of it.  I can’t make sense of any of it.

But I also don’t feel like I’m supposed to.  It’s not about living out of torment and fear that this will happen to another client, but I don’t know what resolution exists when it comes to suicide.  I never want the day to come for me to say, “Oh.. yeah... I had a client commit suicide.”  I never want those words to be easily spoken from my mouth.  All I can do is continue to share my story, my experience, and the awareness that people are hurting.  I never want to become complacent with people’s pain.  I never want suicide to become normal for me or for you.

So if you’re reading this and you’re struggling, you’re seen.  Maybe through the words on this screen, but you are seen for even this moment.  I’m sorry your heart hurts.  I’m sorry for the experiences you’ve had and the pain you’ve endured.  Thank you for still being here.  Thank you for still trying.  I don’t know when it will get better, but I have hope for you.  Reach out to someone-anyone and ask for help if you need it.  It’s okay to be vulnerable.  It feels gross and scary sometimes, but it’s how you will be seen.  We want to see you.

[katedudley]

The Pause App

Here’s a quick phone app that I highly recommend to everyone I know.  It’s cheap and is a super relaxing app.

I use the app Pause when I can’t sleep, when I need to take a 10 minute breather, and when I need to connect to myself.  I encourage anyone to use it during a stressful situation, a moment when you need to calm yourself down, and for a tool to help you center yourself when meditating or praying.  

Download the app, plug in some headphones, and feel the tension move out of your mind.

[katedudley]

And so it begins.

I had a Tumblr once—a place to write.  It was 2011 and I was completing my Master’s in Social Work, while living in a studio apartment, alone in Chicago.  My Tumblr was an outlet I used to write stories, blog about my day, and post the new fad of selfies.  It was a symbol of everything I wanted and everything I couldn’t be.  I didn’t have many followers.  Only the same people seemed to “heart” my posts.  It felt as if no one cared what I had to say.  So I stopped.

Until now.

You see, back then, I cared… a lot.  I cared too much.  My value was in the number of followers—as if that number represented the number of people who would care about me.  The number of hearts I didn’t receive translated to me a number of things that was wrong with me.  My identity was wrapped up in the social media world, specifically Tumblr.  It felt awful and it reiterated a deep, distorted view that I was nothing.

Starting a blog was something I’ve been asked to do since becoming a small business owner.  That idea, to this day, sounds like a repulsive one.  However, I’ve needed to shift my perspective.  I don’t want to blog about myself with the hope of receiving recognition or validation.  I want to provide you with the resources and validation you need whether you’re a client of mine, a family or friend, or someone who merely stumbled upon these words.  

This year I’ve attempted to approach life in a different way, which you’ll see as time continues ticking.  I did it for both of us—for me and for you.  Because we all deserve to have someone see us—to know us in some way or another.  So I suppose that is where I am starting and to begin there means to go there.  

I’m proud of you for getting dressed today—even if that meant changing into different pajamas, putting the dirty clothes you wore yesterday back on, or the hours you spent trying to figure out what to wear.  You woke up today and I’m glad we’re both here on the land of the living.  

I wore shorts to work today.  I know… a psychotherapist wearing shorts to the office.  It was hot and the idea of putting on full-length pants made my skin crawl.  I could’ve worn a dress, but I just didn’t want to.  I do admit that I checked my calendar ahead of time and asked myself, “Would any of these clients care if I wore shorts today?”  It was a sure no and I figured if it did bother anyone then we would work through it and utilize the uncomfortableness of my shorts to assist their therapy.  

Would you believe that’s how I use to work?  I would continuously ask myself questions because believe it or not, at one time, I was probably more insecure than someone coming to me to deal with their own insecurities.  It feels disgusting to admit, but we’re all imperfect human beings and pretending to be otherwise is no longer an option.

So, my dear reader, welcome to the mess.        

[katedudley]

Welcome to my world of being an imperfect human, while also being a psychotherapist, writer, and small business owner.