Into My Healing

[kateyiswell]

20240701:

Thank You, Lord, for giving me another chance in love. I am praying that is the one. 🙏

I am finally in a relationship which I am proud of and my partner is proud of me as well.

We’ve introduced each other to our families and they have great response naman. Sana we can be happy for most of our live together.

[kateyiswell]

I am so happy to book a flight going to Batanes!!! 😍

See you soon

[kateyiswell]

It’s been a while!

Dami ko nang naattendan na dance classes pala

Seventeen:

Dont Wanna Cry

Good to Me

World

Concert Special (home run, fire, left and right, super)

Super (end part)

BSS:

Fighting

Just Do It

TVXQ:

Mirotic

Thank you, Lord! I am able to dance to this songs and feel myself again 😌🙏

[kateyiswell]

I am so happy to dance to Seventeen's God of Music. It has been so hard but it's so fun to dance with this song. 💃

[kateyiswell]

Registered to another Seventeen dance class. Too bad, my workmate wasn’t able to register before the cut off. I have to attend alone. 😫

Hope to meet new friends

[kateyiswell]

So I took a test to check my attachment style and here are my results:

I am anxious preoccupied yet securely attached. I looked into few articles and it says secured in some situations in a relationship while being anxious in some. I think it is true in my past relationship. ❤️

[kateyiswell]

For the third time, I went to a date today. And grabe, I was just looking at him lang. Mukhang bet ko talaga to. Sana magtuloy tuloy haha.

I just wanted to say, You are the best thing that happened to me today 😊

Edit: He is not reaching out anymore. Oh, well. At least you made me happy for that week ❤️

[kateyiswell]

So what happened to me this week.

Monday was my 3rd session with Doc Ethel. Gosh, I am so thankful for this one beause I got to know what are my good points in life.

Wednesday, I rejoined dating app again. And then met one of my matches nearby. He is a good looking man. So, I agreed with the meet up. We had a sexy night (ifykwim). He is a bit handsome but then I remember my ex from him.

Friday, I watched Taylor Swift concert. Too bad I wasn’t able to watch All Too Well part because my stomache hurt :(. And it was my most favorite Taylor Swift song of all time. I then broke off my connection with the bumble guy. I got irked when he is asking to loan some money from me.

Saturday is my dance class day. So, yeah in the morning I drove our car for washing. By afternoon, my sister dropped me to MRT station. I rode the train and got off at Cubao Station.I met Bert afterwards and we then went straight to the Studio. We had a blast for this class <3. My Carat heart is very happy. Another activity ticked off from my bucket list.

[kateyiswell]

Yesterday, I have deactivated my facebook account. I feel like it is kinda toxic for me now. I envy my friends who are travelling or in a relationship. That should stop though so I am kinda taking abreak from fb.

Today, I looked at your account again. I saw you uploaded new song cover. I am happy you found your new home now. I also found mine. :)

[kateyiswell]

Session 3: Best of Me

Doc had me listed out few things that are good for my mental health. So the list goes:

What are my strengths

1. Planning

2. Organizing

3. Resiliency

What parts of my body do I love?

1. Eyes

2. Hands

3. Feet

Special skills

1. I am good on planning travels/booking flights

2. Friendliness to strangers

3. Somewhat good at cooking - with the ingredients I have around

What are the sacrifices I have done to other people?

1. Take up lead role when one of my team members are in Maternity Leave even if I have to work in longer hours

2. Always be there for someone I loved during his darkest days

3. Step up and be with Mom during the processing of Dad’s papers in OWWA, DFA, SSS etc.

What are the things you are doing for yourself?

1. Eating healthy food (she suggests to juice cucumber, apple and carrots as my breakfast and eat food rich in fiber to increase my serotonin)

2. Move around - walking at least every 30 minutes

3. Meeting other people

What are your future plans?

Short term

1. Attend Dance Class (I have one on Saturday, SVT Left and Right <3 )

2. Fix my spending habits

Buy only what I needed

Be truthful to my family about what they owe me

3. Lose 10 kilos in 5 months - Goal is to be in normal BMI

What are the obstacles that you have overcome?

1. Saying “No” to others is saying “Yes” to myself

2. Fear of driving - I am enjoying it now

3. Fear of communication - I am now enjoying talking to other people, be open with my emotions

What is the greatest advice you have received?

Prioritize self-love

Mantra: I CAN DO IT!

[kateyiswell]

Friday the 13th

I met up with a guy from Reddit. It was fun catching with a stranger. He told me do's and dont's on meeting up with someone from the net. I felt special kasi nilibre nya ako ng coffee then we went to Timezone and I tried bowling and playing billiards. He told me to enjoy the things that I wasn't able to in the past. Gladly, I met someone who is healed with his past traumas and is having a great time in his life.

He is the nth person to tell me to prioritize myself and practice self-love. ❤️

[kateyiswell]

I finally told mom what happened to us. She told me I am better off without you in my life. And she supports me. Thank you so much, Mama. You are my real rock

[kateyiswell]

Lord, I am praying for my financial burden will be gone soon.

[kateyiswell]

I saw my bank account today.

I got horrified by what I saw.

I deleted my account on several dating apps as I knew I am not ready for it.

Lord, please help me in my financial difficulties. With your guidance, I know I will be in a better place 😊

[kateyiswell]

Session 2: Positive Reframing

Last Friday, I went to my second session with my psychologist.

Our topic for that day is Positive Reframing.

It was a fun session. I get to turn my negative memories/feelings into positive perspective.

She asked me to remember most of my negative, the one that hurts me the most, so I can find the beauty on it.

One of the moments I told her is when you cancel our meet up plans na nandun na ako sa meet up place. I am disappointed but I just continued with what should we do. Watched movie, eat alone, enjoy the surrounding. Yes, I really felt alone pero I was able to savor the moment.

The best one is when you left/dumped me, I was really hurt and I thought I was alone in my battle.

Little did I know, I always have people behind me as my support system and loves me unconditionally, without pretentions, yung hindi nanunumbat, yung kahit may mali ako, willing silang tulungan akong maayos yun. Yes, may maririnig ako pero not in the condescending way na sobrang nakakababa ng self-worth.

I acknowledged I need help pala instead of repressing my emotion. I need to let it go for my own peace and sanity and I know I needed the right channel for that.

I might have cried during the session pero most of the time, nagtatawanan lang kami ni Doc.

Here are the other list of negative:

1. We plan to eat out pero isa lang yung naorder kong ulam. You walked out on me kasi ang tanga ko mag-order.

Positive effect: I enjoyed the food alone, wala akong ka-share.

2. During some of our Dampa days, mali yung luto ng food, you told me it’s my fault again. Sinigawan mo ako sa harap ng mga kasama nating kumain. I almost cry sa harap nila kasi you really made me feel like I am a stupid person.

Positive effect: You were blocked by most of them dahil dyan. I am still friends with the people we ate with.

3. You told me the shittiest things about how I handle my finances, like why I bought life plans, memorial place, eh ang bata ko pa

Positive effect: *knock on wood* I am prepared than other people, like you. Di ko alam kelan ang last day ko sa earth, but at least I am ready esp yung mga maiiwan ko.

4. You do not want me to travel with my friends, dapat tayo lang magtatravel na dalawa. Pero lagi mo akong sinisigawan sa byahe. You do not appreciate what I organized. I cannot take pictures kasi sayang oras. I cannot go where I wanted kasi ayaw mong puntahan. At ayaw mo ipaalam ko sa family ko na umaalis tayong dalawa

Positive effect: Now, I can go wherever I go, with whomever I want na talagang mababait, wiling magtake ng pictures namin, willing mag enjoy sa mga activities kasi di lang kami nakaupo sa sasakyan enjoying the view. Di na ako magiguilty na di ako nagpapaalam sa family ko. At least they will know where am I and sinong kasama ko.

5. Whenever I bought you food, hindi ka nasasarapan. Lagi mo akong sinasabihan, bakit yan inorder mo, next time, iba na lang.

Positive effect: Hindi na ako manlilibre ngayon ng mga unappreciative na tao. Tapos kapag bibilhan ko sina kuya mo and wife nya, sasabihin mo wag na lang, pero I insist. Mas appreciative sila sayo. Sana sila na lang binibilhan ko lagi.

6. You have Tinder and Bumble, talked to other girls and sometimes, went out with them behind my back. Minsan, sinasabi mo sakin. Madalas hindi. Nung nahuli kita, nagpalusot ka pa. You bought me microwave. But still you met another woman. Don’t know what you two did, di ka na nag elaborate. You don’t post me in your social media account, sabi mo lowkey and private lang relationship natin. Recently, you told me you were hanging out with someone else. Pero di mo masyadong bet. Then, I saw your FB post - pictures with another woman, the person you told me di mo bet, her arms around you, it shattered my heart into pieces and broke my self.

Positive effect: I confirmed, cheating is a non-negotiable for me. I learned that I need to walk away with guys who do not want to be committed with me. Thank you, ikaw na mismo yung gumawa ng paraan para mawala ka sa buhay ko kasi I was still fighting for a relationship na matagal mo na palang tinapos. Magaan na sa pakiramdam kasi di na ako confused lagi bago matulog. Lastly, thank you sa microwave, gamit na gamit namin ng family ko.

[kateyiswell]

Freedom Day!

I finally moved out of the unit and went back to our house. I can finally say I made the best decision yet. Finally starting no contact with you…

I cried on my way home, I remember the memories we have on the condo but I feel no regrets with this decision.

Even from afar, I still love you but I need to be happy on my own.

Hoping for us to have peace in our hearts.

[kateyiswell]

Maaawa na sana ako. Pero bakit need mo pa maglista, na parang ako ang may utang na loob sayo? Na parang ang sama ng ginawa ko sayo? You know I’m angry, I forgave you already but do not drag me on your problems anymore. Lalo na to. You can ask someone else to sign the contracts instead of me. Bakit guguluhin mo pa ako?

Kapag ba may nangyaring masama sa inyo, should I always see that na nakarma ka sa ginawa mo sakin? I don’t think so. I do not find joy in that. I’m not the one who betrayed the other person.