Kath @kath-posts - Tumblr Blog

I keep replaying our first kiss. I was so nervous I just sort of stared at her for several minutes and I didnt know what to do because I was so nervous. Finally when she asked me "what are you thinking?" I said "I'm really nervous but I want to kiss you" except I didnt get to finish my sentence because she was already launching herself towards me to kiss me. She's so incredible and I like her so much.

#kiya

26 hour first date.

We spent the entire day talking and kissing and making out and I like her so much.

She's so kind and so thoughtful, and so smart, and so so so pretty.

#kiya

And after all of that, the person who said they wanted me told me they had been lying the whole time.

I worry that I am not made to be loved romantically, only to love others that way. I want to want someone and be wanted back. I want someone to look at me and decide that they want more of me, and I want to want more of that person in return.

The closest relationship I have had (outside of my family) occurred between the ages of 13 and 16. That experience left me with lasting trauma, including issues with trust and physical touch, as well as intense anxiety around relationships of all kinds. I get defensive quickly and have a tendency to avoid being emotionally vulnerable, none of which I am proud of. I’m not able to be vulnerable enough to manage non-exclusivity.

I understand wanting to go slow, I want and need that as well. But I’m not able to be casual with something that makes me feel so vulnerable.

I think that we should consider stopping the dating part of our relationship here and work to ensure that we can maintain our friendship.

I can’t figure out how much of my anxiety is related to my exams, and how much is related to Kai and I basically admitting feelings for each other and entering a limbo state.

I feel like I might throw up. I keep kidding myself that I’m forming healthy friendships with the people around me and then I realize that I’m only there to service them. I’m kept around because I do things for them. Kai mentioned that I was a “designated” person to text if they’re feeling down. Not in a “I want comfort from you” way, but in a “you’re always there and so dependable” way.

Sometimes I don’t feel like people see me as a person. If they do, they don’t like me anymore. I’ve gotten into a ridiculous cycle of feeling like people won’t want me around if I can’t be of service to them, so I am of service, and then getting upset when I feel like they only keep me around because I’m of service to them.

I hate it and I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel small, I feel like I’m this large stretched out person that’s not even really a person.

I just want someone to think I’m worth being around, I want someone to want to kiss me. I want friends who see me.

She has BPD. Which doesn’t really surprise me.

It freaks me out in ways that I would never express to her. I think it’s mostly a fear that I am someone who gives so much of myself to the people I meet, with the hope that they will see me giving everything I have and will treasure what I give them.

I worry that because of their brain, they might just take and take until I don’t have anything to give. Erin did that. Azzurra did that. I think they both had BPD too.

I’m scared that I am destined to meet people who will take from me, and never treasure it or give me some of them in return.

They aren’t taking from me, I know this. But right now I’m not sure where we stand in our relationship and I’m scared I’m setting myself up for failure.

Still very confused.

Everyone jokes that we’re dating and it feels so highschool in a way that I can’t decide if it’s fun or not. But she has a boyfriend (even if she refuses to call him “boyfriend” or “he”). She doesn’t bring it up around our friends who joke that we’re dating. We don’t talk about their jokes.

Their boyfriend and his friends picked them up from their house and I walked home. We went from having our friend joke about us dating, to me watching them get ready for their actual date. I feel a little sick I think.

I’m pretty sure I outed myself as autistic through watching fucking greys anatomy with her and having whole episodes memorized shot for shot.

I can’t stop thinking about first year university tonight. Lachlan has just finished his final lecture of his undergrad. Kennedy is next, and soon Lana and Charleigh.

I feel so far away from it all. I want people I meet now to know about them all, and they will never know them the way that I know them.

Waking up Charleigh 20 minutes before our exam started because we’d been at the library till close the night before, dying Sydney’s hair while the fire alarm went off and running to Charleigh’s room before the doors closed, dying my hair in the coed dorm bathroom because I was having such a hard time, pacing the hallways for hours at night under the guise of getting a soda, consoling Charleigh after things went wrong with Jacob again, walking the hallway with Lana when she learned how sick I was feeling and telling me about her moms bouts of illness, car rides with all of us squeezed into Charleigh’s tiny car, getting tipsy in the mountain rented space for the first time.

I love these people with all my heart.

I’ve had a crush on a girl for over a year now, but it’s been awhile since I’ve watched them try to pick up girls at a party. They’re sort of rude and aggressive. They’re a very attractive person, who is exceedingly smart and interesting, and yet they turn on some different persona the second they are trying to pick someone up.

It did not work last night, and instead they just looked awkward and weird. I feel awful, but they invited themselves to this party and I didn’t know how to say no! But they seem to have told themselves that I invited them and desperately wanted them here. I didn’t ditch them at the party, but I probably should’ve done a better job including them. They also loudly (and completely unknowingly) misgendered someone I know is quite sensitive to that.

I had a good time, I have never felt so attractive. But I feel so gross because of them. I don’t think I like them anymore.

Brain and body are not working together. I am anxious about getting schoolwork done, but the anxiety is manifesting so hard in my body that I am not able to get any work done.

It’s been two months now since she passed. It feels like it happened in another world.

There’s something so deeply sad in me as I watch the spring thaw. I know where I want to be while the birds sing and the sun peeks from behind the clouds. And instead I’m here, alone.

I resent the spring.

My parents are gone over my birthday this year.

I don’t want to feel like burden when I ask my friends if I can visit them over my birthday. I don’t want to risk them saying no.

I have two moms, two grandmothers, 11 aunts through biological family, 4 aunts through my mothers chosen family, and two great-aunts.

When I say that I was raised by women, I mean it.

I just want to care about school again. I love learning, it’s been a massive part of my identity. It’s everything to me.

And then my grandma died, and I left school for three weeks and I just am not interested in learning anymore.

I fantasize about getting hit by a car just so that I have a reason to drop out of school. I don’t even know what I would do if I dropped out, I don’t have any other plan.

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Kath