[katiyasebayang]

Ghost of thy past.

[katiyasebayang]

Boy oh boy I think one of the greatest blessing and curse humans have is the ability to feel, and think.

[meanwhilereading]

~a fever dream, dreamt in the cold~

It all went dark at first. Mind void, distant.

But at the same time, she was overwhelmed by everything.

The past. The possible future. Everything she had known, everything she had not known.

Her chest heavy, her eyelid more so. She could not feel, her fingertips sensed nothing. She only felt cold. Cold on her skin, cold inside her chest.

She felt like she was floating, or drowning, she did not know for sure. The surge to let go, surrender to this much greater force. Beckoning.

When she yielded, just a little, to the power beckoning her, she felt warmth. An embrace, like coming home. She loosened up a little, "Yes," the word came to her mind, but never made it to her mouth. “I give up, it is too hard. It is too powerful.”

-

And, oh, the sweetness of it. Of giving up.

Like sipping on the warm chocolate she loved so when she was a child. The storm was outside, unlike now.

**

But then, a sound. Far, far away. A voice.

A voice she held dear in her heart, calling out her name. A voice she held close to her dear heart.

A voice far, far away. But it pulled at her heart, tugged at her strings.

For a moment, she felt the faint beat of her heart. Then she felt cold again. Cold on her fingertips, touching something.

And then the same voice came to her mind once again. This time more demanding, calling out her name. “Why are you calling,” she thought, “Don’t you understand?”

Silly. Of course they don’t. No one did.

But the voice kept coming.

And so she felt the urge to fight, again. She remembered now, as another voice came to her mind. Isn't it her closest friend? Yes.

Oh, she could barely handle the heaviness. The weight of living. The weight of breathing.

She felt the cold again, this time more tangible. She felt cold on her fingertips, of something she held. In her hands, cold and unrelenting.

Now, there's no turning back. She would not want to disappoint the voices inside her head, right? The voices that now not only felt in her mind, but getting clearer through her ears.

Oh, she thought. That's where the voices came from. Her ears. Now, more demanding were the voices. A contrast to the alluring pull of giving up and to let go.

She felt really cold. Now, on the tips of her toes. Cold on her skin. Skin, yes, now she remembered she could sense with her skin. The skin of her face.

What did she sense? Oh, yes, wind.

When she focused on it more, she realized it was not wind. It was breathing. Someone was breathing so close to her face, the blow of the air so tangible.

And, oh, she could feel someone else's skin or her face.

And on her body, engulfing, embracing.

She still felt cold, but now she remembered she has eyelids. She was supposed to be able to see. So she tried.

-

Oh, who thought that opening one's eyes would be so excruciating? She only wanted to see the world.

“I only wanted to see the world,” she admitted painfully, “In a gentler light,” this time truthfully.

Oh, how she wanted to see. To see the person holding her, to see the face of the voices she heard. To see whose breath was fanning on her cheeks, grounding her. To see whose hands were cupping her face so tenderly.

“I want to see.”

What a long time since the last time she felt it. To want, to wish for, without the bitter taste of the word but.

**

And then she inhaled sharply, eyes open finally, breaths ragged, body felt cold.

But she’s awake.

[katiyasebayang]

So beautifully written

[katiyasebayang]

I was doing the dishes just now, and as I cleaned up the remaining rice from the plate, I frowned in disgust.

Memang pada dasarnya aku tidak pernah suka dengan nasi basah atau banjir. Pernah suatu kali pada saat aku kecil, aku disuap nasi yang terendam dalam kuah sup dan entah mengapa terpatri sekali di benakku—they call it core memories— bahwa aku hampir muntah.

Saat sepupuku menunjukkan makanan claypot yang nasinya terendam, aku pun langsung menyatakan keenggananku karena nasi yang terendam mematikan nafsu makanku.

Kembali lagi saat aku mencuci piring, dengan dahi yang mengernyit, aku bergumam dalam hati, “Nasi basah nih emang menjijikkan ya… Loh tapi kok aku bisa-bisa aja makan soto nasi campur.”

Dan entahlah, tiba-tiba saja tersadar, sepertinya aku emang orangnya jijikan deh. Saat ada satu bulir nasi yang agak lembab dan lembek di dapur, aku membersihkannya dengan tisu alih-alih menggunakan tanganku. Dulu saat kecil aku tidak suka berbagi sedotan, pun sendok makan, dengan orang lain, bahkan keluargaku. Tapi entah mengapa, semakin dewasa aku semakin bisa menoleransinya. Semakin “Oh ya sudahlah” terutama sejak kuliah, karena aku menganggap berbagi botol minum, eat from each other’s spoon/fork, sebagai salah satu tolok ukur kedekatanmu dengan seseorang.

Lalu tiba-tiba berpikir, hmm kenapa aku menoleransi banyak hal, ya.

Dibandingkan dengan kedua adikku, aku adalah orang yang paling tidak pemilih makan. Aku bisa makan segalanya. Adikku tidak suka udang, sini beri aku. Kembaranku pun tidak suka mala karena sering tidak sengaja menggigit bijinya saat makan dari makanan mala instan, namun aku bisa menoleransinya saat tergigit, memang membuat lidah kelu, but I get by. Aku pun tidak terlalu suka telur rebus yang digulai atau balado atau dikecap, pada dasarnya telur rebus yang diberi bumbu, namun aku bisa saja memakan telur rebus saja yang tidak diapa-apakan. Sering juga aku bercanda dengan sepupuku yang juga kakak tertua dan paling tidak pemilih makan di antara kedua adiknya, apa ini karena kita anak tertua jadi semua yang dikasih kita terima-terima saja walaupun dulu sempat nggak suka?

Aku jadi kepikiran, apakah itu merupakan mekanisme pertahanan diriku sedari kecil, ya?

Tidak melawan saat diberi makan, menoleransi hal-hal yang tidak aku sukai, dan sebagainya. Entahlah, mungkin aku berpikir terlalu jauh, tapi itulah yang kupikirkan sembari mencuci piring tadi.

Rasanya aku ingin memberitahu Katiya kecil yang hampir muntah ketika disuap nasi yang terendam dalam sup, atau Katiya kecil yang menarik kaos kakinya yang sudah melar untuk menyembunyikan lebam di pergelangan kakinya karena dipukul rotan, Katiya kecil yang kata Papa Mama sedikit menjadi korban pilih kasih babysitter-ku dan kembaranku (karena kakak tersebut tadinya menjaga Rina kembaranku, we had another kakak that looked after me but resigned)—meskipun aku tidak mengingat hal ini sama sekali, tapi papa dan mama mengatakan ia seringkali lebih berpihak pada kembaranku hingga Papa Mama sempat memberitahunya untuk tidak boleh terlalu kentara. Aku ingin mengatakan pada Katiya kecil:

It is completely fine to stand your ground and reject things you don’t like. You do not have to tolerate everything when deep down you know you hated it, once.

The world is safe enough for you now to have things you do not like.

Jakarta, 9 Januari, 2024.

[katiyasebayang]

First Half Marathon done!

Here’s a quick recap by pictures:

1. All smiles, happy and easy. Dari awal udah set target pengen finish sub 2:30 tapi gak terlalu ambis juga. Yang penting finish sebelum cut off time😂 Ingatin diri sendiri terus-menerus, pacenya santai aja jangan kebawa pace orang lain. Sampai km 15 masih nyaman dengan tempo lari.

2. Menyemangati diri sendiri di km 18. Mulai berat kakinya di sini, longest 3k in my life menuju 21k. Kaki udah mulai kirim sinyal kram. At this point you’re really on your own, racing against yourself. Sempat kepikiran “Aduh apa aku jalan aja ya sekarang, I can walk fast for 3k”😂 Tapi tetap semangatin diri sendiri dengan “Let’s gooo, this is the longest you’ve run. You’re gonna be real proud of yourself if you don’t stop now.” Lalu dicounter dengan pikiran lain, “Lu ga butuh pembuktian untuk bisa finish sub 2:30, you’ve done great so far.”Both thoughts are correct, jadi bener-bener perang mental di km terakhir begini.

3. FINISH SUB 2:30! Di km 20an udah ketinggalan cukup jauh dari pacer 2:30, jadi aku gak terlalu ambis lagi deh kejar finish di bawah 2:30. Bener-bener yang ada di pikiran aku waktu itu hanya plisss jangan sampai kram sekarang, kalo mau kram nanti aja waktu udah selesai lari. Di dekat garis FINISH, disemangatin sama MC dan pacernya, “Ayo Kakkk masih bisa ini kejar 2:30! Masih keburu!” Waduh padahal aku udah ikhlas aja nggak finish sub 2:30 yang penting kaki jangan sampai kram, soalnya waktu itu udah hampir kram banget kalau dibawa sprint. “Ayo boosting Kak! Tinggal 30 detik lagi, masih bisa keburu!” Aku lihat time di finish line, 2:29:30, wah ini adalah ketanggungan yang sangat tanggung. Mepet banget tapi memang ngumpulin mental untuk mau sprint di akhir itu susah banget, it’s really not easy when you’re half cramping. But still I tried and rushed to the finish line. Finished at 2:29:41, completing my virgin half marathon under 2:30 (tipiiisss sekali).

The dopamine boost afterwards is crazy. Bangga dengan diri sendiri karena akhirnya memberanikan diri untuk ikut Half Marathon (the distance used to intimidate me, but hey, you’ll never know until you try) dan bisa finish happy and injury-free✨

BSD, September 15, 2024

[katiyasebayang]

Happy New Year 2024

Hello.

It's me again. And it's new year again. Been quite a long time since I come here and talk.

I spent my Christmas and New Year in Yogyakarta, a city that felt like a second home to me. It speaks to me in flashes of memories of a young woman I used to be. I even got to visit my university and taste a little bit of that bittersweet nostalgia. Good times, indeed.

"You're not that special. Nobody is paying close attention to you, people are occupied with their own lives anyway. So you do you."

That concludes the conversation I had the other day with some friends. The sentences may sound harsh but the purpose is to bring enlightenment that the fear of judgement is often what holds us back. While, yes, I believe it's still important to consider other people's opinions and views bout what we do, it could also hinder the process of being who we truly are and what we want to achieve further in our lives.

I think there are times--back when I was younger (why do I talk as though I'm fifty years old)-- that I do things to fill other people's expectations. The eagerness to fit into a certain image and all that. Looking back now, I realize how easy it could've make me lose the sense of who I really am.

In the end, realizing that others may not scrutinize us as much as we think liberates us from unnecessary self-doubt. Probably easier said than done, but hey, life is a long journey anyway. It might have some obstacles here and there, but long as the sun still shines, so should you.

Bring it on, 2024!

[katiyasebayang]

kau dan aku mungkin bergaduh;

tapi dalam diam

pula senyap

karena mereka bilang kata adalah senjata

tapi diam pun juga tak jauh berbeda

jangan bawa pisau dalam adu pedang katanya

kalau sama sakitnya, lalu di mana salahnya?

selalu diusik ragu,

kau dan aku;

mungkin nanti di lain waktu atau lini hidup yang berbeda

kita bisa berperang dengan senjata yang sama

sampai nanti.

[deviika]

Fyodor Dostoyevsky // Alanis Morissette

[katiyasebayang]

Yet another impromptu art exhibition viewing on a busy Sunday.

Peace at last, peace at last.

Sunday, August 20, 2023.

Posbloc, Jakarta.

[katiyasebayang]

Raging Sea

I have always known--

Even when the more prominent part of my brain tries to deny it again and again, that at the end of the day, you are my safe place.

See, I am nothing but a lost ship just cruising amidst this perpetual storm. A proper, roaring, never-ending storm that is ever so relentless.

And from afar, I can see you standing still. A lighthouse.

Just standing there with your lights on.

You're not coming closer. You can't come closer. Neither can I, for now. I need to steer my wheel by myself, first. Simply because I have not enough courage in me to make my way to you across this stormy sea.

But maybe this is all we can ever be.

Me, a sailing ship trying to find my own way out of the storm and conquer the sea. You, the motionless lighthouse who can only see and warn me if I had gone too far. Perhaps you have your own things to figure out as well.

But for now, as long as your light still shines in the blinding dark and deafening silence of the night,

I think I'll be alright.

And maybe, there will come a day when I finally muster enough courage and anchor up to you.

A shining beacon in my raging sea.

So stay?

Jakarta, August 14, 2023.

[katiyasebayang]

Baby, I’ll take you down to an art gallery.

We’ll spend hours there, get lost in the artists’ mind because there is just too many rooms for interpretations. Too many and for some, nothing at all.

We’ll talk about it as we make our way out, hand in hand. What’s your favorite piece, I would ask. And why is that.

I will listen to you wholeheartedly. Wander in your mind and find a thread that connects your thoughts to mine. Aha, I feel the same way too about that particular art. I understood nothing. And then we’ll laugh about it.

By the end of it, I will whisper to you, and to to the universe. May the tapestry of our minds forever intertwine, the good and the ugly, the agreement and disagreement.

“Don’t get tired of my thoughts, will you? Can be quite messy sometimes,” I say.

“Never,” you would answer, knowing it’s no longer about the art interpretation.

Jakarta, July 2, 2023.

[katiyasebayang]

Sunday outing at Dia Coffee.

Jakarta, June 25, 2023.

[katiyasebayang]

“Ti, lu sadar gak sih suara lu kalo ngomong tuh pelan banget?”

That’s one of the first things Cece Nia said to me when she just got back to Jakarta. “Really?” I said. I never really noticed that. Well, to be fair Ce Nia and Ce Nita indeed told me about my talking voice more than once.

“Yes, I have to put effort to listen to your story just now. I was just guessing what you were talking about.”

What happens a lot during our car ride is me (riding shotgun while Ce Nita is driving) talking and babbling about something to both of them and at the end Ce Nia in the back was like, “Ti boleh ulang lagi gak? Sejujurnya cece ga denger lu ngomong apa dari tadi.” Cece Nita would laugh, then admitting, “Jujur ai juga daritadi ga jelas dia ngomong apa.”

So during our ride yesterday, I tried to talk a bit louder than I usually would. “How’s that?” I asked after. “Was my voice loud enough?” Cece Nita laughed. “Yes, but you put too much effort, didn’t you? I can hear you hyperventilating. You just need to work on your vocalization, Ti.”

Maybe I do have a low voice all this time and it’s easily tuned out because of that very reason. That’s probably why my own voice seems to die down quickly, so I just follow where the louder voice leads me. I follow their direction, their opinion, even their thinking. Their voice becomes my own. All because my voice is just so low.

I need to work on that vocalization I guess, needs to be a bit louder and firm.

But hey, it’s not about my talking voice anymore, is it?

Jakarta, February 4, 2023.

[katiyasebayang]

New year, new chapter. I wanna write down some important notes, letting it out in the open, and let the universe helps me manifest it. Also when one day I’m lost, I could look back at these notes as a reminder.

Reflection:

1. I have so much energy, love, care, and affection to give. This year, I will focus on loving and valuing myself more. And one of the ways to do that is to surround myself with people who can (and will) love and value me as much as I do them. Be with those people, feel their positive energy completes you.

2. It’s okay to make mistakes. Everyone does that. It’s about how you make up for it that’s important.

3. Trust your gut feelings. Listen to them and trust them. Don’t ignore them from the very first go.

4. Criticism, evaluation, and feedback is always needed to build yourself more positively. Surround yourself with people who can give you positive and negative feedbacks, and it’s important that you’re comfortable enough to give them because you know they can accept those feedbacks and are willing to change for the better version of themselves. Don’t waste your energy on people who cannot accept your constructive feedbacks.

5. Communication is NOT the key. Comprehension is.

6. Don’t be stuck in (friendship or romantic) relationships where you feel like your efforts are not appreciated. This has happened too in your past friendship relations. Remember the first point, that in your nature, you have a lot of love to give. Do not let it go to waste. Find balance from every relationship. If you feel like your care and affection is not returned in a way it’s supposed to be, do not blame yourself for it. They can bleed you dry without you even realizing it. And if that happens, you’re not gonna have any love left to give yourself.

7. Redirect your focus and energy to the ones who truly deserve them. Don’t keep seeking love from the wrong place.

8. Bring yourself closer to the One who will never leave you and will always listen to you. Whose love will never, ever, run dry for you. You’re His child, stop running away from Him. Ask and you shall receive.

Jakarta, January 23, 2023.

[katiyasebayang]

Tough Love is Still Love

"Sometimes, the ultimate expression of self-love is admitting you don't like yourself and coming up with steps to change the things that you know you can and will do better." - 101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think (Brianna Wiest)

I resonate with that quote so, very, deeply. Every so often we hear the words "love yourself" thrown at us like some magic words. Abracadabra. Repeat these words and voila, your problems shall disappear. Love yourself. It is the key to better understanding ourself, to embrace all mistakes in our past as bits and pieces that build who we are today, to admit that there was—or still is—a dark side of us. That nobody is perfect after all. The phrase love yourself was thrown excessively that it got to a point where we feel guilty if we fail to do so, at least that's what happened to me.

The truth is, I can't deny that there are days where I think I haven't done enough. I could do better. I could get things done faster instead of spending a day watching Netflix. I could be more meticulous when it comes to my reports. I could have been more attentive to my friend who is having a hard time, how can I miss those signs, etc. It didn't feel quite right hearing my friends say, "Good job!! Now take a rest, don't push yourself too hard" after ujian HIMPSI. It didn't sit well with me because I knew I had to finish the revision quickly so I could focus on my theses. I still had so many things to do. That night after HIMPSI, I did the revision as much as I could. But I was torn apart because there's this voice in the back of my head saying, "Go take a rest for now, sleep well. You don't need to do this now. You deserve a break." It got me thinking, "Am I really too hard on myself? Do I not appreciate myself enough?"

When I read that sentence from the book, I was reassured that sometimes, loving yourself is pushing it to its limit because you know very well you can do more. Letting it run those extra miles. After HIMPSI, I felt so refreshed, was completely in a good mood, and the revision wasn't major. There is actually nothing wrong with staying up late to do the revision if I was in a good shape and capable of doing it. But I listened better to the opposite side, so I turned off my laptop without doing much, and went to bed scrolling social media. The next day, as I had already expected, I didn't quite have the determination to do the revision because that's when I really felt damn right I needed a break. Netflix, here I come.

What I got from the phrase love yourself is that we have to appreciate ourselves, accept ourselves just as we are, yadda yadda. Okay, after we do that, then what? Isn't that the same thing as putting limitation to what you can do? Accept ourselves, even though we definitely know we can do so much better? Run at a much faster pace? So yeah, that sentence from the book really put a whole different perspective to the term self-love. It's admitting that I could indeed be harsh to myself, that I could actually finish the revision in one or two days, it's accepting the fact that no, I don't have to always be present for my friends when they're having bad days because I have bad days too and they will understand.

Loving yourself is also being hard on yourself. Loving yourself is saying, "Now stop crying and do the actual work because crying ain't gonna finish those client reports or your theses. Get up. The time you spend crying could actually be spent on something productive. You can, and you will."

Because hey, sometimes all we need is a little tough love, no?

Yogyakarta, March 11th, 2022

[urlovelover]

[thecosmiclawofattraction]