She doesn't need to know | Katniss and Peeta
âIt does make me happy.â [âŚ] âYou know what I mean. If my best friend had turned up here then I would react so much worse than youâre reacting right now, alright?â Sorry. I just â yeah awful things do happen and people react badly. That happens. You need to stop pretending like everythingâs fine, Peeta. Nothing is fine. Can you stop going on about what I deserve? I know what I deserve and Iâve gotten so much more than I thought I would. I was dealt a good hand among all the messed up stuff thatâs happened to us.â [âŚ] âPeeta, I know that feeling better than anyone. Being on edge all the time, snapping at the slightest and smallest of things. Thatâs called my life. Sometimes youâll snap. Sometimes youâll get so angry that absolutely nothing can make sense and nothing can make it right again. I have no patience, the shortest temper imaginable â trust me I know how it feels. We can get through this.â
Peetaâs lips slowly opened, about to reply something to the words that fell in such a stubborn tone from Katnissâ lips, but he decided against it in the last second. His lips sealed shut again and he shrugged slightly. He was still utterly exhausted from the major fight he had gone through with his best friend, something he had never before done in his life, and frankly, never wanted to do with anybody again. Especially not Katniss. A slight hint of anger was still running through his veins, hiding in a lost corner of his body, but he wanted it to stay there. Far away from the surface, and far away from breaking out. So instead of replying, he simply let his exhaustion take over, a tired smile forming on his lips as he looked at her. Let her be happy. If this made her happy, great. He wouldnât argue about that tonight, there was already way too much about this conversation that sat him on edge. Too much in this life that sat him on edge.Â
Just the thought of Gale turning up here was enough to send a throbbing headache behind his temples, tiny hammers and needles that filled his head with pain and annoyance. He could remember all too well how Galeâs visits had turned out around the Capitol, he definitely didnât want to imagine him taking Vladâs place. Not for his own sake, not for his aching heart, and not for Katnissâ reaction. She was right, she would react much worseâ but she was an entirely different type of person as well. She was this person who reacted badly, who had a short temper and was unable to hold most of her emotions back, unless they were positive ones. But he? Peeta? He wasnât that kind of person, so it was still a mystery to him why he had reacted the way he did. âI know that bad things happen. I know that people react badly. But thatâs not me. Katniss, you canât tell me the person exploding in your room that day was me. It was not. I hardly felt like myself, I couldnât think clearly, and⌠I mean, of course that was an awful thing to walk in on. But itâs not like me to lose control like that. And that?â, his voice toned down until it was nothing but a whisper, his head leaning in until his forehead connected with her, the touch soothing him gently. âThat wasnât me. And Iâm scared that person will come out again. And Iâm scared it might make me lose the last things I have left.â Katniss. And his best friend. The only two people who cared about him, the only ones who ever had in his entire life. Losing either of them would be like organ damage. His lips pressed into a thin line just thinking about whatever she deserved, whatever he deserved. It wasnât this, his mother had taught him as much. âIf we hadnât met inside the Arena⌠actually, if the nightmares hadnât pushed you into my arms, you never would have chosen me. You would have ended up with Gale or somebody else entirely. And thatâs simply because you deserve better than me.â The only reason why Peeta loved Katniss so much, so endlessly, was because he had never learned how to love himself. He held no love for himself, so all his heart could hold had been projected onto Katniss. And even if he wanted her so badly, even if she made him so happy by being with him, he knew she deserved even more than that.
His eyes shut slowly, the pain of that realization making it hard to breathe. Her fingers on his shoulders only intensified the feeling, showing him clearly how much the stress was getting to him. His muscles were rocks, and not even her gentle touches were able to loosen them up. What a lost cause he had turned out to be after all. âI donât want that âsometimesâ. I never want to feel that again. I never want to act like that ever again.â His voice was a breeze, words barely audible even in his own head as he focused on nothing but her hands on his shoulders and her breathing mixing with his own. So far, his light and optimistic, positive views of their lives had kept them afloat. Most of them had been a facade. And he wasnât sure if they could survive without the few that werenât. âHow do we make it right again, Katniss? Tell me, because I have no idea how.â
"I know that bad things happen. I know that people react badly. But thatâs not me. Katniss, you canât tell me the person exploding in your room that day was me. It was not. I hardly felt like myself, I couldnât think clearly, and⌠I mean, of course that was an awful thing to walk in on. But itâs not like me to lose control like that. And that?â [...] âThat wasnât me. And Iâm scared that person will come out again. And Iâm scared it might make me lose the last things I have left.â [...] âIf we hadnât met inside the Arena⌠actually, if the nightmares hadnât pushed you into my arms, you never would have chosen me. You would have ended up with Gale or somebody else entirely. And thatâs simply because you deserve better than me.â [...] âI donât want that âsometimesâ. I never want to feel that again. I never want to act like that ever again.â [...] âHow do we make it right again, Katniss? Tell me, because I have no idea how.â
His entire body felt stiff to touch, limbs tensed and tired, his face the picture of stress as he gazed down on her. What could she do to fix this though? She could not pluck Vlad and carry him back to safety, she could not assure Peeta that their future was secure and she could not tell him that what he said was not true. Would she ever have loved him had they not gone into the Games together? Was there even a slight possibility of her ever looking his way and feeling anything other than guilt if not for his understanding of everything that picked and niggled at her brain? Would he ever stop reacting to things this way or was this just the tip of the iceberg? The Capitol changed people and Peeta was no exception to that -- optimism was not indestructible. Katniss did not have all the answers and it was usually her running to him when she needed reassurance. She didn't know this Peeta, one who was unsure of himself, who's self hatred seemed to radiate from him. Gentle fingers found their way to the back of Peeta's neck, her eyes imploring his, begging him to see that a sudden change in his temperament would not easily scare Katniss away. "Nothing you do will ever make me stop loving you. You will not lose me because I'm too selfish to let you go. I need you. I love you.
This sadness in Peeta's eyes swallowed her and quickly, she pressed her lips hard against his, hastily pulling at him, desperate. He hurt, he hurt so much that she felt it when they touched, when he looked at her and it was as though nothing would ever be right again. But it had to be -- his looks had always told her it would be. That it couldn't be this way forever, that it wouldn't. She had always held onto the hope that one day they would be old news and safety would return to them. But they were the only two people to come out of that arena alive and together, and they were sure to be the last pair to survive the Games. They would never be old news. Pulling away, Katniss leant her forehead against Peeta's as a shiver rolled up her spine, fingers curling around the grey of his t-shirt. The idea of Katniss ending up with Gale was laughable, she loved him, but she was no wife and that was what he would have wanted. Kids, a family. She would never be a family, and she would never be enough. She was lucky that, at this point, Peeta knew what to expect from her and loved her all the same. He knew the ins and outs, he did not want her to be anything else but what she already was. She could not -- would not imagine herself with anyone but Peeta, and yet he insisted that she deserved better, as though she deserved him at all. "No, no... no. Don't say that. I would have ended up alone, too afraid to even think about being with anyone but myself. And maybe I would've been content that way. Constantly terrified, yes, but content. At least with you I'm slightly less terrified." Reaching up, her fingertips brushed his cheek, her skin so cold against his natural warmth. Everything about Peeta was warmth. He radiated. And he simply couldn't see that everything he was amazed her. "I don't even deserve you. Everyone knows it, Peeta. And maybe we wouldn't have ended up together if not for the Games, but you've been the only good thing that's come out of it... I wish you could see everything the rest of the world sees, Peeta. " With a sigh, she kissed him again, a quick press of her lips to his before the grey storm of her eyes met his calm blue.
"Then you won't be that way again. You'll calm down, you'll be fine. I'll help you." Closing her eyes, Katniss leaned against him, arms tight around his waist in a way that told him that she would never let go of him. Gently, she began to run her hands slowly along his arms, his shoulders and chest, massaging him gently as best she could. She had often watched her mother massage the pain from a man's injury, her hands worked like magic and when her legs cramped up from a long day of swimming or roaming the woods with her father, all she needed to do was run her fingers over Katniss' skin and the knot would loosen. Katniss did not have magic hands. She had calloused, rough hands. The hands of a fighter, the hands of a killer. She didn't really know how to make things better. Katniss simply had the mind of a pessimist, of someone who hated and hated and felt nothing but anger burning beneath her cool skin. She was not a person who ever knew what to do and so often made things the opposite of 'right'. But she had to try. "I don't know, Peeta. But we can make it right. We always can."
