She doesn't need to know | Katniss and Peeta
âIf that makes you happyâ [âŠ] âWhatâs that supposed to mean, âIn my positionâ? Iâm in no position. Thatâs why itâs stupid how Iâve been behaving. Awful things happen in life, we both know that better than anybody. I donât see why I should suddenly go crazy here just because Iâm in a âposition. You bothâŠâ [âŠ] âI donât like being an idiot. Itâs not who I am. Itâs not who you deserveâ [âŠ] âI donât know whatâs up with me. It just feels like my temperâs been shortened questioningly much and Iâm stuck in memories I donât want, as if the presentâs suddenly such a distant thing. I donât know what to do with any of thisâ
Katniss got frustrated so easily that it couldnât be at all surprising that she was ready to knock some sense into Peeta. He was not being stupid, he was allowed to need space and he deserved love. Why was he the last person to ever understand stuff like this? Why couldnât he see himself the way everyone else saw him? Hell, even Haymitch knew that he was better than anyone they knew. He was good the same way that Prim was - completely and utterly in every sense of the word. âIt does make me happy.â She firmly said with her fingers still combing through his hair. She noticed how his eyes snapped open and lowered her fingers from his head, understanding the incredible need they felt not to fall asleep at night and when they were together like this, it was so simple to doze off and find yourself back in that arena, that place where theyâd lost themselves. She missed the part of her that hadnât killed anyone. She missed not seeing their faces every time she closed her eyes.
The frustration grew. Katniss was not a soft person and tough love had been built into her. It was all she knew. âYou know what I mean. If my best friend had turned up here then I would react so much worse than youâre reacting right now, alright?â She almost snapped her words, her eyes falling shut. She didnât want to be mad at Peeta but Katniss was perpetually mad â at everything. âSorry. I just â yeah awful things do happen and people react badly. That happens. You need to stop pretending like everythingâs fine, Peeta. Nothing is fine.â Sighing, she pulled his face back to look at her, eyes finding his and thus, finding calm. Her fingers gently caressed the skin of his back, felt the strained muscles, the tension within him all curled up in a ball. She tried to massage them out but she was pretty much useless as she ran her fingers in circles. Cold skin on warm, the way it always was. For a girl on fire, she was always so chilly. The world had chilled her though. Panem had, Snow had breathed on her once and set the chill in her bones. Nothing but Peeta, she found, could warm her skin these days. âCan you stop going on about what I deserve? I know what I deserve and Iâve gotten so much more than I thought I would. I was dealt a good hand among all the messed up stuff thatâs happened to us.â She shivered as he pushed her hair from her shoulder, his skin brushing hers and giving her goosebumps. It had only been days but when they were along together, it was hard for her not to want to touch him every minute, as though it was validation of whether this was real or not. Her mind was cruel enough to make up a ounce of happiness only to tear it away with reality.
She hated the desperate look in his eyes, how he looked at her as though she could make it all go away â or at least help him to understand it. âPeeta, I know that feeling better than anyone. Being on edge all the time, snapping at the slightest and smallest of things. Thatâs called my life.â She sighed, reaching up to push his hair back from his forehead. She leaned in and kissed him, slowly, gently, holding onto him for the longest time. Sometimes she loved him so much she felt like a balloon about to pop. Like she simply couldnât handle how much she felt for him and how little she had before. Nothing made sense to her anymore, not even her relationship with Peeta. Pulling away, she swallowed hard, her thumb running slowly along his cheekbone and holding him as close to her as possible. She was always so afraid he might disappear, or stop loving her now that she had learned to love him. She was so afraid all the time. âSometimes youâll snap. Sometimes youâll get so angry that absolutely nothing can make sense and nothing can make it right again. I have no patience, the shortest temper imaginable â trust me I know how it feels. We can get through this.â Of course, Katniss didnât believe it for a second. She was a natural pessimist but she knew they wouldnât survive without Peetaâs optimism. They both needed him.
âIt does make me happy.â [...] âYou know what I mean. If my best friend had turned up here then I would react so much worse than youâre reacting right now, alright?â Sorry. I just â yeah awful things do happen and people react badly. That happens. You need to stop pretending like everythingâs fine, Peeta. Nothing is fine. Can you stop going on about what I deserve? I know what I deserve and Iâve gotten so much more than I thought I would. I was dealt a good hand among all the messed up stuff thatâs happened to us.â [...] âPeeta, I know that feeling better than anyone. Being on edge all the time, snapping at the slightest and smallest of things. Thatâs called my life. Sometimes youâll snap. Sometimes youâll get so angry that absolutely nothing can make sense and nothing can make it right again. I have no patience, the shortest temper imaginable â trust me I know how it feels. We can get through this.â
Peeta's lips slowly opened, about to reply something to the words that fell in such a stubborn tone from Katniss' lips, but he decided against it in the last second. His lips sealed shut again and he shrugged slightly. He was still utterly exhausted from the major fight he had gone through with his best friend, something he had never before done in his life, and frankly, never wanted to do with anybody again. Especially not Katniss. A slight hint of anger was still running through his veins, hiding in a lost corner of his body, but he wanted it to stay there. Far away from the surface, and far away from breaking out. So instead of replying, he simply let his exhaustion take over, a tired smile forming on his lips as he looked at her. Let her be happy. If this made her happy, great. He wouldn't argue about that tonight, there was already way too much about this conversation that sat him on edge. Too much in this life that sat him on edge.Â
Just the thought of Gale turning up here was enough to send a throbbing headache behind his temples, tiny hammers and needles that filled his head with pain and annoyance. He could remember all too well how Gale's visits had turned out around the Capitol, he definitely didn't want to imagine him taking Vlad's place. Not for his own sake, not for his aching heart, and not for Katniss' reaction. She was right, she would react much worse-- but she was an entirely different type of person as well. She was this person who reacted badly, who had a short temper and was unable to hold most of her emotions back, unless they were positive ones. But he? Peeta? He wasn't that kind of person, so it was still a mystery to him why he had reacted the way he did. "I know that bad things happen. I know that people react badly. But that's not me. Katniss, you can't tell me the person exploding in your room that day was me. It was not. I hardly felt like myself, I couldn't think clearly, and... I mean, of course that was an awful thing to walk in on. But it's not like me to lose control like that. And that?", his voice toned down until it was nothing but a whisper, his head leaning in until his forehead connected with her, the touch soothing him gently. "That wasn't me. And I'm scared that person will come out again. And I'm scared it might make me lose the last things I have left." Katniss. And his best friend. The only two people who cared about him, the only ones who ever had in his entire life. Losing either of them would be like organ damage. His lips pressed into a thin line just thinking about whatever she deserved, whatever he deserved. It wasn't this, his mother had taught him as much. "If we hadn't met inside the Arena... actually, if the nightmares hadn't pushed you into my arms, you never would have chosen me. You would have ended up with Gale or somebody else entirely. And that's simply because you deserve better than me." The only reason why Peeta loved Katniss so much, so endlessly, was because he had never learned how to love himself. He held no love for himself, so all his heart could hold had been projected onto Katniss. And even if he wanted her so badly, even if she made him so happy by being with him, he knew she deserved even more than that.
His eyes shut slowly, the pain of that realization making it hard to breathe. Her fingers on his shoulders only intensified the feeling, showing him clearly how much the stress was getting to him. His muscles were rocks, and not even her gentle touches were able to loosen them up. What a lost cause he had turned out to be after all. "I don't want that 'sometimes'. I never want to feel that again. I never want to act like that ever again." His voice was a breeze, words barely audible even in his own head as he focused on nothing but her hands on his shoulders and her breathing mixing with his own. So far, his light and optimistic, positive views of their lives had kept them afloat. Most of them had been a facade. And he wasn't sure if they could survive without the few that weren't. "How do we make it right again, Katniss? Tell me, because I have no idea how."











