i knew i was a goner

Peeta Mellark | District 12 Mentor The boy with the bread, the star-crossed lover and one of the victors of the 74th Hunger Games.

[katnissfleur]

She doesn't need to know | Katniss and Peeta

[katnissfleur]

“If that makes you happy” […] “What’s that supposed to mean, ‘In my position’? I’m in no position. That’s why it’s stupid how I’ve been behaving. Awful things happen in life, we both know that better than anybody. I don’t see why I should suddenly go crazy here just because I’m in a ‘position. You both…” […] “I don’t like being an idiot. It’s not who I am. It’s not who you deserve” […] “I don’t know what’s up with me. It just feels like my temper’s been shortened questioningly much and I’m stuck in memories I don’t want, as if the present’s suddenly such a distant thing. I don’t know what to do with any of this”

Katniss got frustrated so easily that it couldn’t be at all surprising that she was ready to knock some sense into Peeta. He was not being stupid, he was allowed to need space and he deserved love. Why was he the last person to ever understand stuff like this? Why couldn’t he see himself the way everyone else saw him? Hell, even Haymitch knew that he was better than anyone they knew. He was good the same way that Prim was - completely and utterly in every sense of the word. “It does make me happy.” She firmly said with her fingers still combing through his hair. She noticed how his eyes snapped open and lowered her fingers from his head, understanding the incredible need they felt not to fall asleep at night and when they were together like this, it was so simple to doze off and find yourself back in that arena, that place where they’d lost themselves. She missed the part of her that hadn’t killed anyone. She missed not seeing their faces every time she closed her eyes.

The frustration grew. Katniss was not a soft person and tough love had been built into her. It was all she knew. “You know what I mean. If my best friend had turned up here then I would react so much worse than you’re reacting right now, alright?” She almost snapped her words, her eyes falling shut. She didn’t want to be mad at Peeta but Katniss was perpetually mad — at everything. “Sorry. I just — yeah awful things do happen and people react badly. That happens. You need to stop pretending like everything’s fine, Peeta. Nothing is fine.” Sighing, she pulled his face back to look at her, eyes finding his and thus, finding calm. Her fingers gently caressed the skin of his back, felt the strained muscles, the tension within him all curled up in a ball. She tried to massage them out but she was pretty much useless as she ran her fingers in circles. Cold skin on warm, the way it always was. For a girl on fire, she was always so chilly. The world had chilled her though. Panem had, Snow had breathed on her once and set the chill in her bones. Nothing but Peeta, she found, could warm her skin these days. “Can you stop going on about what I deserve? I know what I deserve and I’ve gotten so much more than I thought I would. I was dealt a good hand among all the messed up stuff that’s happened to us.” She shivered as he pushed her hair from her shoulder, his skin brushing hers and giving her goosebumps. It had only been days but when they were along together, it was hard for her not to want to touch him every minute, as though it was validation of whether this was real or not. Her mind was cruel enough to make up a ounce of happiness only to tear it away with reality.

She hated the desperate look in his eyes, how he looked at her as though she could make it all go away — or at least help him to understand it. “Peeta, I know that feeling better than anyone. Being on edge all the time, snapping at the slightest and smallest of things. That’s called my life.” She sighed, reaching up to push his hair back from his forehead. She leaned in and kissed him, slowly, gently, holding onto him for the longest time. Sometimes she loved him so much she felt like a balloon about to pop. Like she simply couldn’t handle how much she felt for him and how little she had before. Nothing made sense to her anymore, not even her relationship with Peeta. Pulling away, she swallowed hard, her thumb running slowly along his cheekbone and holding him as close to her as possible. She was always so afraid he might disappear, or stop loving her now that she had learned to love him. She was so afraid all the time. “Sometimes you’ll snap. Sometimes you’ll get so angry that absolutely nothing can make sense and nothing can make it right again. I have no patience, the shortest temper imaginable — trust me I know how it feels. We can get through this.” Of course, Katniss didn’t believe it for a second. She was a natural pessimist but she knew they wouldn’t survive without Peeta’s optimism. They both needed him.

[starcrossed-peeta]

“It does make me happy.” [...] “You know what I mean. If my best friend had turned up here then I would react so much worse than you’re reacting right now, alright?” Sorry. I just — yeah awful things do happen and people react badly. That happens. You need to stop pretending like everything’s fine, Peeta. Nothing is fine. Can you stop going on about what I deserve? I know what I deserve and I’ve gotten so much more than I thought I would. I was dealt a good hand among all the messed up stuff that’s happened to us.” [...] “Peeta, I know that feeling better than anyone. Being on edge all the time, snapping at the slightest and smallest of things. That’s called my life. Sometimes you’ll snap. Sometimes you’ll get so angry that absolutely nothing can make sense and nothing can make it right again. I have no patience, the shortest temper imaginable — trust me I know how it feels. We can get through this.”

Peeta's lips slowly opened, about to reply something to the words that fell in such a stubborn tone from Katniss' lips, but he decided against it in the last second. His lips sealed shut again and he shrugged slightly. He was still utterly exhausted from the major fight he had gone through with his best friend, something he had never before done in his life, and frankly, never wanted to do with anybody again. Especially not Katniss. A slight hint of anger was still running through his veins, hiding in a lost corner of his body, but he wanted it to stay there. Far away from the surface, and far away from breaking out. So instead of replying, he simply let his exhaustion take over, a tired smile forming on his lips as he looked at her. Let her be happy. If this made her happy, great. He wouldn't argue about that tonight, there was already way too much about this conversation that sat him on edge. Too much in this life that sat him on edge. 

Just the thought of Gale turning up here was enough to send a throbbing headache behind his temples, tiny hammers and needles that filled his head with pain and annoyance. He could remember all too well how Gale's visits had turned out around the Capitol, he definitely didn't want to imagine him taking Vlad's place. Not for his own sake, not for his aching heart, and not for Katniss' reaction. She was right, she would react much worse-- but she was an entirely different type of person as well. She was this person who reacted badly, who had a short temper and was unable to hold most of her emotions back, unless they were positive ones. But he? Peeta? He wasn't that kind of person, so it was still a mystery to him why he had reacted the way he did. "I know that bad things happen. I know that people react badly. But that's not me. Katniss, you can't tell me the person exploding in your room that day was me. It was not. I hardly felt like myself, I couldn't think clearly, and... I mean, of course that was an awful thing to walk in on. But it's not like me to lose control like that. And that?", his voice toned down until it was nothing but a whisper, his head leaning in until his forehead connected with her, the touch soothing him gently. "That wasn't me. And I'm scared that person will come out again. And I'm scared it might make me lose the last things I have left." Katniss. And his best friend. The only two people who cared about him, the only ones who ever had in his entire life. Losing either of them would be like organ damage. His lips pressed into a thin line just thinking about whatever she deserved, whatever he deserved. It wasn't this, his mother had taught him as much. "If we hadn't met inside the Arena... actually, if the nightmares hadn't pushed you into my arms, you never would have chosen me. You would have ended up with Gale or somebody else entirely. And that's simply because you deserve better than me." The only reason why Peeta loved Katniss so much, so endlessly, was because he had never learned how to love himself. He held no love for himself, so all his heart could hold had been projected onto Katniss. And even if he wanted her so badly, even if she made him so happy by being with him, he knew she deserved even more than that.

His eyes shut slowly, the pain of that realization making it hard to breathe. Her fingers on his shoulders only intensified the feeling, showing him clearly how much the stress was getting to him. His muscles were rocks, and not even her gentle touches were able to loosen them up. What a lost cause he had turned out to be after all. "I don't want that 'sometimes'. I never want to feel that again. I never want to act like that ever again." His voice was a breeze, words barely audible even in his own head as he focused on nothing but her hands on his shoulders and her breathing mixing with his own. So far, his light and optimistic, positive views of their lives had kept them afloat. Most of them had been a facade. And he wasn't sure if they could survive without the few that weren't. "How do we make it right again, Katniss? Tell me, because I have no idea how."

[katnissfleur]

She doesn't need to know | Katniss and Peeta

[katnissfleur]

“You didn’t mess up. Stop excusing for things you haven’t done wrong”

Katniss was at a loss, feeling as though she were clutching for straws or trying to hold a pool of water in her hands. With Peeta acting this way, she was unsure what to do and it frustrated her to no ends. She was not kind and gentle — that was him. She was rough and cold and whatever maternal instincts she discovered she’d had after Rue and Prim, they apparently did not stretch to Peeta. People were such odd creatures, she found. They were so intricate and strange that she couldn’t wrap her head around it. And why should she? The only people she was willingly social around were Peeta, her family and Gale and even then she had a hard time forming words. She kept her mouth shut though, not out of her not caring but simply out of her loss for the words which wouldn’t form on her dry lips. Her eyes fell closed as his finger ran over her back, swallowing hard as they reopened and found Peeta struggling to meet her gaze. When had they become this?

“Of course we do. I don’t really see the point in that though. Let me look after you, but you already have enough on your mind, you don’t need to add looking after me to that. I’m fine.” […] “I love you more” […] “I’m sorry I’ve been such an idiot lately.”

Frustration settled within Katniss as he spoke. Shamefully, she realised that she had not noticed it until the night with Vlad when he’d pointed it out and Peeta very nearly exploded on the spot. He truly thought that he didn’t deserve care when Katniss was sure he deserved it far more than her or anyone else she could really think of. Peeta was good, so charming and kind, a person who would do anything for almost anyone and yet he pushed himself down even harder than Katniss did herself. But she couldn’t even ask him why, knowing he would rather sit through hours  of conversation with Effie than talk about whatever it was in his past he hid from her. Maybe one day she would get it from Vlad but for now she’d just have to deal with his silence and try to make him realise she was going to care regardless of what he said. Of the few people Katniss loved, she cared for them fiercely. “If we do then shut up and let me care about you. You’ve been looking after me for longer than I’d care to admit.” She said quietly, looking away for a moment. She had always felt indebted to Peeta, ever since he’d thrown her that bread and given her a new hope to live again. Seeing that dandelion had changed everything for Katniss and she was certain she never would’ve made it this far without Peeta.

A fleeting sigh of relief passed Katniss’ lips as he kissed her back, lingering in the moment for as long as she could before Peeta pulled her down to lie beside him. Soon they were close as they always were, as if any space between their bodies was a physical pain for them. Smiling at his words, she pressed her lips against the bridge of his nose gently, fingers running slowly through the blonde of his hair as she watched him. She’d never actually noticed how handsome he was back in District 12, how shiny his eyes were or how strong his arms. Now he was all she could see, no longer invisible to the worst of her troubles. She still didn’t understand how someone like her could catch his eye – someone so plain and boring, angry all the time and unendingly selfish. Looking back on her life, Katniss knew she was not a good person and yet he looked at her as though she was the world. “You weren’t an idiot,” She murmured, “you and I both know that I’d be unbearable if I was in your position.” They both knew she meant Gale but she couldn’t say his name aloud anymore, not when simply thinking about him brought her shame or made her feel shady. With a smile, she wrapped her arms around him, hands slipping under his t-shirt to run carefully up his back. “Let’s just not think about any of that right now. We’ve both been idiots, alright? But I’m an idiot on a daily basis so I’m sort of used to it.”

[starcrossed-peeta]

“If we do then shut up and let me care about you. You’ve been looking after me for longer than I’d care to admit.” [...] “You weren’t an idiot, you and I both know that I’d be unbearable if I was in your position.” [...] “Let’s just not think about any of that right now. We’ve both been idiots, alright? But I’m an idiot on a daily basis so I’m sort of used to it.”

Longer than I'd care to admit? Peeta wondered if with that Katniss only meant the moment he tossed her the burnt bread, or the actual moment on their first day of school when he decided to marry her one day. Because if he was being honest, that was the moment when he started caring for her more than he had cared for anybody else, excluding his best friend. His family had never cared for him, so he hadn't cared for them. Vlad was another story, but Katniss? Katniss had always held his care, and she just didn't know it. She didn't even get the extent of his care. But Peeta wasn't in the mood to remind her, like he never was, and he wasn't in the mood to argue about whether she could care for him or not. Exhaling a deep sigh, he just closed his eyes, drowning in the feeling of her fingers running through his hair. It was a nice feeling, comforting feeling -- one that always brought him incredibly close to a good and dreamless slumber. Just that whenever his body realized that, the nightmares came rushing at him even faster. His eyes snapped open to not let that happen, and he simply shrugged his shoulders as he looked at her. "If that makes you happy", was all he eventually said, knowing there was no use in denying her the need to care for him. 

It was still a mystery to him why now, that he was actually an adult, the few people who always liked him suddenly started playing the big carers, suddenly wanted to protect him and be there for him, when he hadn't really needed that the past 18 years of his life either. Peeta had always been happy and content with doing that for his friends. Not the other way round. A quiet groan left his lips and he turned onto his back, eyes focusing on the white ceiling. Spots were dancing in front of his eyes, but he wasn't sure if they came from thinking so much or pressing his eyes shut too tightly. "What's that supposed to mean, 'In my position'? I'm in no position. That's why it's stupid how I've been behaving. Awful things happen in life, we both know that better than anybody. I don't see why I should suddenly go crazy here just because I'm in a 'position. You both...", he cut himself off, unable to talk about this. Unable to talk about the fact that there had been three people in her room days ago, not only Katniss. He had been meaning to tell her that they were both acting weird, as if Peeta being angry once meant he was suddenly a ticking time bomb.

A quiet sigh left his lips and his head fell to the side so he was able to look at her again. It was confusing, having his head filled with so many thoughts yet being so close to her and feeling her warm fingers run over his naked back. It was confusing, and he didn't know what to make of it. Her grey eyes caught him just like any tornado would, and it took him all his strength not to fall right into them. "It's all I think about", he said quietly, hand extending to brush her hair back over her shoulder and away from her face. "I don't like being an idiot. It's not who I am. It's not who you deserve", he mumbled. "I don't know what's up with me. It just feels like my temper's been shortened questioningly much and I'm stuck in memories I don't want, as if the present's suddenly such a distant thing. I don't know what to do with any of this", he whispered honestly, eyes searching for an answer in her eyes, even if Peeta was sure he wouldn't find one there. Because how on earth would Katniss know an answer to his problems?

[katnissfleur]

She doesn't need to know | Katniss and Peeta

[katnissfleur]

“That’s not the same thing. Our situation was entirely different back then. You shouldn’t need to give me a few days after everything. And I didn’t have to get my head together.”

Katniss was no good at comforting people, and all she ever said was the wrong thing. She used to watch Peeta when he spoke, how he could always find the words that everyone needed to hear. He could play the Games just as good as any career could. Inside the arena and outside and all he needed was his voice. She used to wish that she could be like him. She didn’t know how to speak to people without being insulting or hurtful, she always came off as ignorant or rude — but maybe she simply was ignorant and rude. She was a girl of few words and seeing Peeta so unlike himself made her nervous, like she was out of her comfort zone. Not that she had one — not in this place. He seemed exhausted, more so than usual and she could hardly get a smile out of him. She loved it when he smiled, treasuring these nights in his room when it almost seemed like the world had stopped turning outside those doors for just a few minutes. Moments when his fingers brushing her skin sent a shiver crawling up her spine and through her entire body, when she could forget that she was the ‘Capitol’s darling’ and pretend that the world was not watching her. With his head against her shoulder, she bowed down to press a kiss atop his blonde hair, messy without the work of his stylists. She ran her fingers gently along his back, closing her eyes as she leaned her head against his for a moment. The world was very small to Katniss these days, and it was caving in on her. “Whether you needed to or not, I still felt like you needed space so that’s what I gave you.” She murmured into his hair, eyes remaining closed. “I’m sorry if I messed up.”

“You didn’t have to be here for me. Can you stop saying things like that? I’m okay. Nothing happened. I’m not about to go jump off the roof or through the window, if that’s what you’re afraid of. I can handle myself, and I don’t need you to look after me. I don’t need anybody to look after me.” […] “If you knew somebody stood in front of the door watching, you’d have the energy to care and freak out” […] “I never need space from you”

Looking up, Katniss frowned at Peeta’s words and the sudden change in the tone of his voice. She found herself uncomfortable in his lap, like she didn’t belong there or perhaps like she wasn’t wanted. Katniss had never before felt unwanted in Peeta’s embrace and this was a strange experience for her. Though she remained, looking down at him with a soft look despite herself. Despite his words dismissing her completely. She shrugged. “You and I are supposed to look after each other.” She spoke quietly, averting her eyes from his like she couldn’t handle to watch him anymore. Perhaps it was because she felt as though she was looking at a stranger. Peeta felt very far away from her though. Especially since he’d told her that she didn’t really know him, that she’d learned to love someone who wasn’t completely him. If Katniss, of all people, did not know Peeta, then who was he? He knew her. He knew the selfish, crumbling, mess of a person who’d been this way long before even the Games. He knew the way she walked and what the slightest change in the tone of her voice meant. How did he know her so completely when she apparently knew him so little? How was that possible?

She frowned as he pulled away from her, how they’d been pulling away from each other all week. How could something like this come between them? Something so huge that should have brought them closer together? She’d promised not to distance herself from him again. As much as she distanced herself from everyone else in this damn place, she still wanted to be as close to him as possible. “Then let’s not talk about it. If we don’t need to then we won’t.” She said gently, placing a hand on his stomach and running it up and down his chest in what she hoped were soothing motions. She wished she had his softness at times like these, his steady hands that always seemed to touch her just the right way. His skin alone seemed to calm her. “I love you.” She said in a small voice, her eyes finding his again. Those words, she knew, brought some kind of happiness to him. He’d been waiting to hear them his whole life and at least she knew they would stir something in him. Peeta gave so much love and she was starting to realise how little he received in return. But how could anyone not love him? The entire Capitol loved him, not that that counted for much. They didn’t know him. “I love you so much.” She whispered as she reached down to kiss him, resting her fingers on his cheek. “We don’t have to talk.”

[starcrossed-peeta]

“Whether you needed to or not, I still felt like you needed space so that’s what I gave you. I’m sorry if I messed up.”

Peeta frowned, his eyebrows pulling together in a tight knit as he shook his head. No matter how good it felt that Katniss ran her hand over his back and pressed kisses to the top of his head, it felt wrong. He shouldn't be the one who was comforted. He had never been the one others comforted. Why? The answer was there in his head, close, yet too far away to grasp it. Peeta was so much better at comforting than being comforted. Maybe that was why this felt so wrong. Exhaling a heavy sigh, he opened his eyes briefly, forcing them up to meet Katniss's steady but nervous gaze. "You didn't mess up. Stop excusing for things you haven't done wrong", he mumbled, tracing circles with his index finger on the small of her back -- a lame attempt on being the comforter, and if only for a second, Peeta knew that. But it was all he could give right now.

“You and I are supposed to look after each other. [...] Then let’s not talk about it. If we don’t need to then we won’t. I love you. I love you so much. We don’t have to talk.”

A laugh laced with the most sarcastic tone droplets fell from Peeta's lips. Once upon a time someone told him families were supposed to look after each other as well. That sort of bond had never existed in his life though, so why should he suddenly be in a relationship where the caring went into both directions and not just into one? He'd always been uncomfortable with Katniss looking after him. It started in the cave during their Games, it ended here today with her feeling the need to calm him and support him. Why was he so damn weak? "Of course we do. I don't really see the point in that though. Let me look after you, but you already have enough on your mind, you don't need to add looking after me to that. I'm fine." It was the truth, in his head. She had all those things to worry about -- her sister, her mother, Gale of all people, Snow, her nightmares, her PTSD. And seriously, the last thing he wanted to do was talk about the fact why he had this sort of opinion. 

And in the end, she did manage to crumble his defense, the wall he had built up ever since seeing his best friend in this place. It took nothing more than telling him she loved him and press her lips to his, and the warm feeling in his heart made him forget about everything else. A quiet sigh left his lips, one that was followed by his lips turning into a gentle smile as his hand found the back of her neck, gently holding her to him as he returned the kiss. "I love you more", he mumbled quietly against her lips, his arms curling around her waist and keeping her close to his chest as he decided to sink back down onto the mattress, pulling her down next to him. His eyes were glued to hers, and he rested his one hand on her hip, the other arm underneath his own head. "I'm sorry I've been such an idiot lately."

[katnissfleur]

She doesn't need to know | Katniss and Peeta

[katnissfleur]

“It’s not okay. I’m sorry. I wasn’t intending to give you the feeling that you need to leave. I never want that from you, okay?”

Katniss was good at reading between the lines. What she wasn’t good at was listening to others and when Peeta unwillingly pushed her away, she understood better than anyone. She’d done it for months at a time, she knew what it meant to run from what was hardest. She still did it. She chose to ignore Snow’s eyes on her, chose to steer away from the Rebellion. She may have understood it but there was no joining for her, not when it was so dangerous and she still had a list of names to protect. It was simple - they would have to find themselves a new Mockingjay. Katniss had done everything in her power to become more celebrity than symbol and although she’d failed miserably, she would not sign her own death warrant. Not willingly. Slowly, her hands ceased to shake and her eyes became a little less scared. The best medicine, she found, was Peeta Mellark’s touch. He could cure just about anything. He was the same feeling she got when she ran to her parents for comfort as a little girl, he was the warm embrace from a father she longed for more than anything. “It is. I made you miserable for a very long time, I think I can handle a few days while you get your head together. But sure — I know you don’t want me gone.”

“It wasn’t real” […] “I know it felt like that, but it wasn’t real. You’re okay, and… somebody might be watching you, but not like that”  […] “You shouldn’t have. I don’t need space.” […] “And no… I don’t want to talk” […] “I really don’t want to talk about it.”

Katniss knew they were idiots for avoiding each other lately. What Vlad was doing had nothing to do with her. He was doing it for Peeta, living amongst the snakes of the Capitol in a bid to keep his family from going through what they did every night. This shouldn’t be causing a rift between her and Peeta, in fact, it should be bringing them closer together. He needed her now more than ever. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you. I should’ve been. I just didn’t know what to do.” Her words were mumbled, eyes lifting to meet his gaze in the soft dimness of his bedroom. Ignoring Vlad’s presence here was all that she wanted but she knew the man lingered in both of their minds like a bad odour. There was a pit in Katniss’ stomach where she threw all of her fear, and Vlad was living in that pit. Everytime she thought of him it grew heavier, so heavy she could barely stand. Being pulled into Peeta’s arms, she wrapped her own tight around him, face burying itself in his neck. She inhaled him, everything about him right down to his natural scent being familiar. She did know him. She did. It bothered her that he was hiding something though, something that was probably right in front of her. “I’ve grown used to them watching me,” She admitted in a hollow tone, “they could be standing right outside that door and I doubt I’ve have the energy to care, Peeta.”

"I mean space from me." She could help but shoot a humourless laugh. "Everyone needs space from me sometimes. You don’t need my… everything right now." Looking up at him, she nodded her head, ran her fingers gently through the short strands of hair at the back of his head. "Sure. We don’t need to talk right now." She murmured, leaning in to press a gentle kiss to his lips. Katniss didn’t pry, it wasn’t really in her nature. Generally she didn’t care but she also knew the feeling when the whole world wanted to know what was on your mind. Not even Peeta knew what she was thinking half the time and she wouldn’t want it any other way. Talking about the painful things was the worst kind of torture. She knew that better than anyone. 

[starcrossed-peeta]

“It is. I made you miserable for a very long time, I think I can handle a few days while you get your head together. But sure — I know you don’t want me gone.”

Peeta groaned quietly, dropping his forehead to Katniss' shoulder. It always went back to that. She always got back to the time when she successfully ignored everything that surrounded him. He had never blamed her for that, not really. But she never seemed to stop blaming herself. "That's not the same thing. Our situation was entirely different back then. You shouldn't need to give me a few days after everything. And I didn't have to get my head together." The last thing was probably a lie, but Peeta wasn't about to admit that. Admitting that he had to get his head together was the same thing as having to admit weaknesses -- and although Peeta knew that he was far away from being the strongest person on this planet, what he hated the most was having to realize that he was weak. Weaker than most. Weaker than Katniss, weaker than Vlad, weaker than every rebel, every victor and every tribute combined. Even two years after their Games, he could still hardly sleep. Two years after losing his leg, he was still having trouble with it. Two years after escaping his family and his past, he still hadn't collected enough strength to confront it. What good was he to Katniss if he couldn't even help himself?

“I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you. I should’ve been. I just didn’t know what to do. I’ve grown used to them watching me, they could be standing right outside that door and I doubt I’ve have the energy to care, Peeta.” [...] "I mean space from me. Everyone needs space from me sometimes. You don’t need my… everything right now. Sure. We don’t need to talk right now."

A frown grew on his forehead with every passing thought and word leaving her lips, a crease so deep it most likely made him look like an old man. Something he felt like as well. No matter how much he felt like a stupid little boy most times, he also felt like an incredibly old man very often. "You didn't have to be here for me. Can you stop saying things like that? I'm okay. Nothing happened. I'm not about to go jump off the roof or through the window, if that's what you're afraid of. I can handle myself, and I don't need you to look after me. I don't need anybody to look after me." The words came out sharper than Peeta had intended them to, but he couldn't help himself. Carrying the burden on his shoulders that was Vlad fighting a very dangerous battle because he thought he had to look out for him was making him itchy with anger and nerves. He had no idea why everybody seemed to think he needed that sort of protection. That sort of love. All he needed were the people he loved -- not dead bodies and scarred souls all around him. "If you knew somebody stood in front of the door watching, you'd have the energy to care and freak out", he said quietly, his tone an excuse for how he talked earlier because he couldn't find it in himself to tell her sorry just yet. 

Maybe he never would be. Peeta didn't like this version of himself that snapped and was angry at people close to him. He didn't want to be that person. And he wouldn't drive Katniss away from himself like that. "I never need space from you", he replied simply and in a cool tone, although his actions showed his words to be lies as he pulled his arms back from her and leaned back on the bed. She was still on his lap, but not as close as before as he looked at her, determination in his eyes. "I never want to talk about it. Not just right now. Never. There's no need to talk about it."

[katnissfleur]

She doesn't need to know | Katniss and Peeta

[katnissfleur]

“We both know”

Of course they both knew. The Games had been coated in glamour, propaganda shoved down their throats but it was only the careers who’d ever believed it anyway. She and Peeta had known that they were walking toward their deaths but what they hadn’t known was that they’d probably be better off dead. No one told you about this part. No one told you that the guilt would eat you alive, right to the very core. The flashbacks were more a part of her reality than anything now - they came on her all at once like a swarm of trackerjackers on the attack. They covered her up in the past and thrust her right back into it. So many visions of Rue, of Marvel. She could feel Clove’s knives against her cheek, whipping through the air and hitting her over and over and over. She nodded her head because they did both know. They both knew this together and it was such a rare thing to have shared the same Games with another person. In fact, it was the rarest thing of all, and they were fools to try and go it alone.

“No. No, I don’t want you to leave. I’m sorry, that was… I didn’t mean to say that” […]“Are you calm now?” […]“Were they bad? The flashbacks, I mean. You could have come sooner.”

A sense of relief shot through Katniss, the knowledge that he didn’t want her gone helping to soothe her. They’d gone the longest periods of silence before in the past. Weeks and months spent hardly talking to each other only to be thrown into the Star-Crossed Lovers act again. But these last few days had been worse. She would watch him slip away after dinner, ignoring Effie’s tsks of disapproval. No one cared about being impolite in this place. Sleeping without him had been the hardest, slipping away into unconsciousness without his kisses to accompany here had felt like walking toward her death all over again. Katniss realised that she craved human contact, no matter how hard she pushed everyone way she still couldn’t deny a pair of open arms and when Peeta pulled her down next to him, she curled up immediately. Here was the Katniss that Vlad had caught a glimpse at, the one who only came out at night like some sort of supernatural creature to show Peeta whatever affection she had in her. “I know you didn’t.” She said quietly, eyes finding his. He looked so tired. “It’s okay. I understand.”

She smiled slightly when he rubbed his hands over hers, feeling some warmth come back to them immediately. He was always her warmth, everything about him was as light and golden as the hair on his head. She loved that about him, how he always held this sense of goodness. It amazed her still that someone so warm could love something so cold and… damp. “A little. Getting there.” She murmured, pulling their hands up so she could kiss the rough skin there. It was a selfish thing to seek Peeta out for comfort when he was this way, so buried in his own head that he may never find a way out again. She may need him but he needed her just as much and as unfair as it was to take his attention, she did so anyway. “I wasn’t even asleep. It just… happened.” She closed her eyes for a moment before they snapped open again for fear it may come back to her. “There was blood and this awful smell. And someone was there, watching me.” Katniss swallowed, knowing Peeta ventured back into the Games just as much as he did. He didn’t need an instant replay of what he saw every night. “I know. I was giving you some space, I guess. You seemed to have so much on your mind and you know I’m no good  at this kind of thing…” She shook her head, feeling silly. “Do you want to talk about it?”

[starcrossed-peeta]

“I know you didn’t. It’s okay. I understand.”

Peeta pressed his lips together into a tight line, his eyes focused on their hands wrapped together. Although her words sounded reassuring and like she truly did understand, he felt like that was wrong. She shouldn't be here needing to understand what he said. He was so much better at that. He was so much better at using words and telling her what he meant. In every other situation, Peeta wouldn't even have given her the feeling that he wanted her to leave the room when he had just stepped in. Normally, all this awkwardness between them wouldn't exist. What was different now? Whatever had happened hadn't been awful enough to do this to them. They had been so good together. They had finally been getting better. And now? Now they were worse than before. Because it had been okay that Katniss ignored him when he thought he didn't feel anything for him. But now that he knew what she felt, and she accepted what he felt... it wasn't okay to be apart. Yet there was this distance between them he couldn't handle. "It's not okay. I'm sorry. I wasn't intending to give you the feeling that you need to leave. I never want that from you, okay?", he mumbled quietly.  

“A little. Getting there. I wasn’t even asleep. It just… happened. There was blood and this awful smell. And someone was there, watching me. I know. I was giving you some space, I guess. You seemed to have so much on your mind and you know I’m no good  at this kind of thing… Do you want to talk about it?”

His teeth gritted together, his jaw tensed. He knew those flashbacks like the back of his hand. He knew the dark shadows, the mutts, the pain, the darkness, the blood, the fear. It came back to him every single night, just like it came back to her. He understood better than anybody else, and that was what should keep them together, but it didn't really work. Why wasn't it working anymore? Just because of that stupid situation in her room days ago? "It wasn't real", he reassured her quietly, arms gently wrapping around her waist to pull her onto his lap. He rested his head on top of hers, hands gently running up and down her back. "I know it felt like that, but it wasn't real. You're okay, and... somebody might be watching you, but not like that", he mumbled, knowing the words weren't what he should be saying. It wasn't really what Katniss should hear, that somebody might be watching her, but they both knew it was true. They could never tell how many eyes lay on her. Even right now, they weren't aware of how many people looked at them. 

Inhaling a deep breath, Peeta's hands stopped stroking her back. Of course he was still holding her, but he felt stiff and like maybe he shouldn't have come back here in the first place. It would have been easier to come back when she was gone again, or asleep. Not like this. No matter how good he was at talking usually, he didn't want to do it right now. "You shouldn't have. I don't need space." At least Peeta guessed he didn't. What should he do with space? Sure, he had been happy not to be confronted with her these past days, but he didn't want to have space if it made her feel worse. "And no... I don't want to talk", he said slowly, shaking his head. "I really don't want to talk about it."

[katnissfleur]

She doesn't need to know | Katniss and Peeta

[katnissfleur]

“Hey” […] “What are you doing here?” 

Katniss had spent months ignoring Peeta. A lifetime ago. Their days would pass back in Twelve without even a glance in each other’s direction, it had been her way of dealing with things. Shut out the Games, shut out everything that could trigger even the slightest of memories. Peeta had been her biggest trigger, he had been cold nights in the cave, teeth clamped around a leg and an arrow through a dying boy’s eye. Then he’d become her solution and though nothing was perfect in the life of a victor, Peeta had come very close to just that. Now their silence was mutual, now there was a gap as enormous as before between them both and selfishly, she could not continue to give him his space. She wanted his arms and words that used to come so easily to him. Calming words, charming words. His voice was like warm water and she missed washing in it. “I don’t know.” She said quietly, her voice almost inaudible despite the stillness inside the room. Of course it was obvious why she’d slipped into his room. It was in her shaky hands and her skin slicked with a thin layer of sweat. PTSD lived within her and Peeta. It was curled up in her stomach like a cramp, it cast a shadow over her. Once Katniss had thought herself somewhat brave, now she was afraid to close her eyes.

Sitting up properly, Katniss pushed her hair out of her face, pulled her legs up against her chest and gazed out the window by his bed. There was something about his bedroom that was more homely than hers. Perhaps it was his clothes draped over the chair, the paintings leaning against the wall. Something about it calmed her. Rarely did Katniss go to her own room. It was big and cold. Empty. It was where her dresses hung up in the wardrobes, where she sat and allowed them to turn her face into something pretty and warm, where she sat by the phone and talked to Haymitch, her mother and Prim whenever she could. It was nothing else to her.

"Flashbacks." She finally whispered, as though the look on her face hadn’t told him that to begin with. She always looked the same after it. Eyes wide and holding a certain fear that she hadn’t known about. A fear she’d discovered in the arena. Her eyes travelled from the window to his and she could see what this week alone had done to him in a single glance. He looked so drained, like every worry in the world had painted itself on his face and Katniss wanted nothing more than to kiss it away. But the gap between them grew every second, and she was sure this was the most time that they’d spent alone together in days. Rubbing her legs one, she stood from the bed, pulling her cardigan further around her. "I can leave though. If you want. I just wanted to come calm down in here." She shrugged her shoulder, eyes flitting to the floor. Katniss was good at awkward situations, she knew them, she knew the procedure. She’d never been very good with people, not like Peeta was. 

[starcrossed-peeta]

“I don’t know.”

Peeta couldn't decide where it was darker, up on the training center's roof, here in his room, or in his head. He had always been good at keeping his head and thoughts light. Especially with Katniss around. But this past week it had become incredibly hard to think positively. Simply because there was no optimism here. Just look at them -- her sitting on his bed, obviously shaken, obviously scared and lonely and needing him, and him just standing there, unable to move, too caught up in his own thoughts. Why didn't he just walk over to her? Why couldn't he just take her trembling hands and make her feel better like all the other times? Running a hand through his hair, he tugged slightly at the strands on the back of his head. What a lie she was telling him. As if he couldn't see what was up with her. "We both know", he eventually mumbled, knowing fully what kept her up at night. Both because he'd seen it a million times before, and because he suffered it himself. Aftermath of the Games. PTSD. Awfully hilarious.

"Flashbacks. I can leave though. If you want. I just wanted to come calm down in here."

Damn it. Peeta bit onto the inside of his cheek before he quickly shook his head, taking a few long strides towards her. "No. No, I don't want you to leave. I'm sorry, that was... I didn't mean to say that", he whispered, hesitating a second before he reached for her hands. A week ago, he wouldn't have hesitated, and Peeta was rudely aware of that. Was it really just Vlad being inside the same building as them that threw this wall between them? If he was still here. If he was still alive. But he was trying not to think about that too much, and especially not now when Katniss so obviously needed him. So for now, he would just try to push through that wall and get back to the point where they had been not too long ago. Close. Looking at each other and knowing what the other thought. Being unable to stay too far away from each other. All the things he had dreamed of ever since he was a small boy. He had really made it far, hadn't he? So far that he had already destroyed again what he always wanted.

Peeta slowly sat down on his bed, pulling Katniss back down with him, feeling the mattress sink down with her weight next to him. Her fingers were cold as ice in his hands, and he gently rubbed them with his own before taking her hands between his. "Are you calm now?", he asked, even if it was obvious that she wasn't. Not exactly. Tilting his head to the side, he looked up at her, locking eyes with her to cautiously search for the flashbacks still sitting there -- like he knew they were. Shadows hiding behind her pupils, waiting for their next chance to claw at her brain. "Were they bad? The flashbacks, I mean. You could have come sooner."

[katnissfleur]

She doesn't need to know | Katniss and Peeta

It was quiet in the Training Centre. Their tributes didn’t speak, Katniss never spoke and even Effie couldn’t fill the silence as she so usually did over dinner. Even Peeta had been dead silent and hours later the sound of forks against china seemed to echo over and over in Katniss’ head, an offbeat rhythm driving her mad. Luckily, Vlad had been avoiding the twelfth level of the Centre and they hadn’t had to watch him risk his own life over their plates heaped with food but that still meant that they didn’t know. He could be dead right now, hanged as punishment for his crimes against the Capitol. Or worse, they could have found out and turned him into a real Avox, his voice usually so bouncy and taunting now cut off and thrown into silence for good. A million possibilities crossed her mind, eyes glazing over as she stared at the ceiling. The ideas crept up on her, coated her with paranoia and before long she was gasping for air, her room around her dissolving into a wood filled with trees and greenery. She clutched her sheets but they became a bow and a single arrow, the sweat on her forehead became blood and a shadow lurked in the distance. Shaking, she told herself to breathe, in, out, in, out but the woods still remained and her fingers clutched the bow so hard she felt the sharp edges digging into her palm.

She was hyperventilating by the time she came around, her eyes like moons on a pale face, skin clammy and cold. With a shaking hand, she swept the sweat away from her forehead and sat up on her bed. Peeta crossed her mind but she’d been trying to give him his space, disappearing off to her own bedroom every night after dinner when he would sneak off to the roof. Though her legs were unsteady, she stood and walked to the window, staring below at the Capitol, still bustling although the sky had turned dark mere hours ago. She heard cheering, music, laughter. The usual sounds of the city when the Games approached. Those sounds had been the backtrack to their conversation with Vlad a few days ago, a conversation she couldn’t get out of her head. She’d never felt more sympathy for the man, she had never understood him, not a day in her life but he’d made a million things clear in her mind. She thought about Prim, her tiny body so fragile in the Games, the picture of innocence with a knife in her hand and blood on her cheeks. Or was that a blush? She closed her eyes, a headache pounding in the back of her mind, throbbing against her forehead. The world seemed to keep spinning, life going on in the Capitol like nothing was wrong and yet Katniss felt as though she was at a standstill, as though she was missing something and President Snow whispered in the walls. His eyes were on her, she couldn’t shake it. He was the water in the drains, the paint on the walls.

Shuddering, she walked, throwing her door open and crossing the hall to Peeta’s. She tapped gently on his door until, impatient, she let herself in. She couldn’t stop thinking about the forced smile on his face, how he had squeezed her hands so tight it had almost hurt. A promise that nothing was the matter but five words ate at her. She doesn’t need to know. What didn’t she know? Peeta had said she didn’t know him, not really. She knew his nightmares, she knew his fingers digging into her skin and his breaths coming harshly in the middle of the night. She thought she knew him in every way that you could know a person but perhaps she had been wrong. He felt he deserved this life. Katniss, as crazy as she may be, understood that no one deserved this, no matter how awful their crime. What was she missing? His bed was empty but it was a comfort to her anyway as she crawled beneath the covers and wrapped them around her body,  her limbs still shook but the chill left her bones. Face pale, she lifted her head when the door cracked open. “Peeta?”

[starcrossed-peeta]

The wind was whistling surprisingly cold through the Capitol roofs, rising goose bumps on Peeta's skin even underneath the soft sweater he had pulled out of the bottom of his dresser. His mind absent, somewhere far away from the Capitol, his fingertips ran over the dark blue fabric. It was nice to pretend that it wasn't dull Capitol air filling his lungs but fresh breezes back in District 12. Far away from this, far away from Vlad throwing himself into danger's mouth, far away from Katniss starting to agree with him and whatever the rebellion was thinking. It was all nerve rattling and tiring, yet he found no way to fall asleep. Not that sleeping had ever been an easy task for Peeta, but ever since he had run in on Katniss and Vlad, it was even harder. He had no idea how he had gotten himself into this situation. It had been hard but doable to accept being reaped, surviving the Games, and moving into a house in the Victor's village without his family. But accepting that the world would soon be chaos and the only few people he cared about would die -- that was pretty hard. How did you accept that?

Peeta exhaled a frustrated breath and ran a hand through his hair. He couldn't help but shake the feeling that it was going down. Days ago he had been happy, eager to fall into bed with Katniss at night, hold her and press kisses to her lips like he had wanted for so long. He had been happy knowing even if it was hard to actually see him, his best friend had basically been just right around the corner with a happy little family of his own. But ever since that day, it felt like he was starting to lose bits and pieces of the happiness he had worked so long for. A wall had built between Katniss and him -- she hadn't come to his room the past nights, and they barely talked. Surely because he still did not agree with her or Vlad, but probably also because Vlad had given her the chance to hear from him that there were things she didn't know about him. That she didn't know his past. And to be fairly honest? Peeta couldn't talk about that. He could barely think about it.

Pushing himself up from the floor, he made his way back into the huge building that often made him feel like nothing but a little ant, as if ears were listening and eyes were watching. They probably were; even if Peeta had many reasons to be paranoid, here you should be paranoid. He made his way to his room, opening the door just to be greeted by quiet sounds and a whisper of his name. Turning around in surprise, his eyes took a second to adjust to the darkness inside and recognize Katniss' silhouette. "Hey", he said slowly, uncomfortably shrugging his shoulders as he stood by the door. "What are you doing here?" Stupid question. Very stupid question. A question he wouldn't have asked most nights, but tonight... it felt like he had to ask.

[vladimir-stringer-deactivated20]

Servitude || Katniss and Vlad (and Peeta)

[vladimir-stringer-deactivated20]

“Whatever it took.” […] “But that does not change the fact that you are here, you’re Peeta’s best friend and we will always feel responsible. I’m with Peeta on this, Vlad, I’m sorry. You can’t possibly understand what this place does to you. We don’t want that for you. You came in here yourself but you’ll leave half a man. It takes something from you, and you won’t get it back.” Vlad felt a sense of triumph. Katniss held his gaze, even if it was obvious that it was uncomfortable for her. She held it and she didn’t baulk from speaking the truth. What ever it took. She understood because she had a love for Prim which was like Vlad’s love for Peeta. Vlad didn’t know how a real sibling relationship went because he didn’t have any real siblings, he didn’t know if he could compare it. All he knew was that he was protective of Peeta and that he loved him, two things that he knew Katniss felt for Prim. He held up his hand to her when she started to say anything more. He wasn’t listening to anything more. Katniss had given him exactly what he needed. “That is none of your concern.” He said quietly, keeping his voice even in a way that he hadn’t been able to before. Katniss had given him his strength now, now that he could fully explain the Rebellion to her in a way that she could understand. If he could convince Katniss, he could convince Peeta. “I’m a grown up, and I’m not the one who needs saving.” Something about the two of them sitting on the bed together made him feel like he was being scolded by his parents. They weren’t his parents, and he wasn’t in need of scolding. They were in need of educating. “It was better that way. I wouldn’t have let you volunteer for me. I wouldn’t have been able to look at you if you came to say goodbye. It was okay the way it was.” […] “I don’t know, Vlad. All I know is that I do deserve it, and I don’t deserve your care. Put it into saving your family. Put it into taking care of them. I don’t need it. It’s not worth putting it into me. Who knows? Maybe it’s just because I exist. Maybe that’s already enough reason for me to think that way.” "You wouldn’t have had a choice if I volunteered and you know it, and you know I would have if I could have." It wasn’t even the fact that Vlad wasn’t physically even in D12 when Peeta got Reaped, though that stung too. It was that Vlad never had a chance of being able to do anything remotely helpful in that situation. He was over 18 when Peeta got Reaped. Vlad often imagined what he would have done if he were there. Katniss had kicked and screamed and ran for her sister, while no one made a single noise for Peeta. That was the worst part. Birds kept chirping, the wind kept blowing, but no one even whimpered when Effie Trinket had called up Peeta Mellark. He knew Peeta underestimated what he ever meant to Vlad though, he knew it in the way that he just brushed himself off. He knew it, because Peeta thought that it was totally fine the way that his life had turned out. That was bullshit, and Vlad just wanted to shake his friend. He wanted to shake him so hard that his brain would finally just accept that Vlad loved him, and he was important. Vlad just wanted Peeta to realise that he mattered. "You are my family, you’re so fucking thick Peeta! My parents had died. I didn’t have another single person in the world who cared about me but you, and then you were taken by the Capitol too.” His voice and heart both broke and it was all because of Peeta. Peeta was so broken that he didn’t even realise that he was so important to Vlad, and it was devastating. He wondered how Katniss could just sit there and agree with Peeta  when it was so obvious that he was so broken. How could she sit there and listen to Peeta say that he deserved his lot. Maybe she didn’t love him the way that Vlad had thought, and that made him angry. “She doesn’t need to know” […] “This shouldn’t be about me, Vlad. It wasn’t your fault. Nothing of this is your fault. So why would you fight for it? Prim is her younger sister. I’m just… I’m just me. I need no saving. Not from you. You can’t compare yourself to what Katniss has done. She expected to die in there for Prim. I can’t let you expect to die in a war you’re fighting because you couldn’t volunteer for me. That’s insane.” […] “Katniss wakes up every night, screaming. You’ll wake up every night screaming as well. You didn’t think about that, did you? That your daughter will hear you yell every night? Because there’s no way to control it, Vlad. It just happens. We don’t have to take care of anybody but us, so it’s okay if we break and scream. But you’ll scar your family for life. For me. That’s not okay. That’s just… it’s not okay” Vlad saw a look of realisation dawn over Peeta’s face. They’d never talked about that aspect of their childhood together. Vlad didn’t really know how to broach the subject, and he didn’t ever think it was the right time to ask Peeta about the abusive childhood he’d suffered. He thought that Peeta knew that Vlad knew, though the look on Peeta’s face and the warning-like way that he spoke made Vlad realise that Peeta didn’t know. Maybe Peeta didn’t even realise that he was abused. Vlad really wouldn’t have been surprised. He’d really wanted to see something dawn over Katniss when he’d said it, though, not Peeta. Even so, he sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling involuntary tears fall onto his cheeks. “I’m not going to tell her, Peeta.” He reassured him.  “You should, though.” No matter how much it would make Katniss realise why Peeta was the way that he was, it wasn’t Vlad’s place to say anything. Vlad wasn’t going to expose his friend for the sake of Katniss realising why Peeta thought he deserved to participate in The Hunger Games. “I’m not comparing myself to Katniss. That was brave beyond anything else I’ve ever seen, or probably will ever see.” He said quietly, feeling strange to talk about Katniss like she wasn’t there, but he couldn’t very well look her right in the face and compliment her. The mention of nightmares made Vlad flinch. “That already happens.” He said, barely a whisper, before he had to stop pinching his nose so that he could look up at Katniss and Peeta, his eyes wet and ringed in red. “Lily hears me screaming every single night because I watched my parents be murdered by Peacekeepers. I had my dad’s blood on my face, Peeta. You think I don’t scream? You think Lily doesn’t know?” An off-kilter laugh erupted from him so suddenly that it frightened him. “My family died, Peeta. Everyone but you. Now the family that I have supports me through my screaming, because that’s what family does. I’m going to support you, Peeta. There’s nothing you can do about that. I’m your family. Fuck those people in D12 who hurt you, I’ll never hurt you, and I won’t let anyone else hurt you anymore.” He took a deep, shuddering sigh, attempting to calm himself down. His crazy laughing scared him. He was already losing it. “Basically, what I’m saying is, you’ll never stop me doing this until you’re safe, until we all are. So stop yelling at me and start thinking of ways you can help.”

[katnissfleur]

“I don’t know, Vlad. All I know is that I do deserve it, and I don’t deserve your care. Put it into saving your family. Put it into taking care of them. I don’t need it. It’s not worth putting it into me. Who knows? Maybe it’s just because I exist. Maybe that’s already enough reason for me to think that way.”

Katniss’ head lifted rather suddenly at Peeta’s admission. Sadness, confusion, anger bursting like fireworks within her. As always with the girl on fire, anger prevailed. She watched him for a moment, unsure what was going through his head, if he really believed that he was deserving of such a fate as the one he’d been thrust into. Whilst Katniss was hardly the most self-loving person on the planet, she knew that she didn’t deserve the Games. No one did. Not her, not Cato, not Finnick, not Johanna. And most definitely not Peeta. He amazed her, her gentle Peeta who painted his dreams on expensive canvas, who spoke for Katniss when she couldn’t utter a word, who had loved her unconditionally for years when she could love no one but her sister and the smoky smells of home. If anyone did deserve the Games, Peeta Mellark was right at the bottom of that list. Unable to stay quiet despite the exchange between Vlad and Peeta, Katniss quickly shook her head as she met his gaze, shocked somehow, beyond words. “Don’t say that,” She managed to choke out, “don’t ever say that. Everything that was done to us was cruel, and wrong and unjust. You deserved so much better…” She paused, frowning. Every night when he awoke from nightmares, shuddering and sweating, she wished another slow death upon Snow. She wished pain, she wished torture. She wished endless years of the same destruction he’d set on them. Swallowing, she rested one hand on the back of Peeta’s neck, her eyes unusually full. Full to the brim with a sense of failure. Had she not loved him enough? Had she not shown him that without him, she may be dead right now? Didn’t he know that even if everyone in the world turned their back on him she could never imagine her love going away? Years he’d loved her for. A year of ignorance for her. She valued his existence more than he could ever know. “You’re worth everything, Peeta.” She whispered, not exactly wanting Vlad to hear her speak in such an intimate way to Peeta, but right now she couldn’t quite care. “Whatever good there is in this world, you of all people deserve it. I don’t deserve it, none of the other victors deserve it but you do.” Peeta was not like the other victors. He was good, not undamaged but still, he was decent. The only decent one out of all of them.

“She doesn’t need to know” [… ] “I’m not going to tell her, Peeta.”  […] “You should, though.”

With narrow eyes, Katniss looked between the two. Whilst she knew Peeta’s present like the back of her hand, she realised that his past was a fairly mysterious time he liked to keep hidden from her, as though ashamed of it. His family life had always eluded her, writing his family off as strange and frankly, rather unpleasant. She’d never desired his home life but then again, her depressed mother hadn’t always been exactly appealing either. She remember a sudden slap over a head of blonde hair and burnt bread being thrown out into the rain, Peeta actually feeling guilty about throwing her the food rather than walking out and handing it to her. She remembered his father coming to see her before the Games, remembered him handing her cookies that she would later throw out the window. While she’d once almost liked the kindly baker, time had made her think differently of him. He’d come to see her that day, not because she was walking towards her death hand in hand with his son, but rather because he thought Katniss would win over Peeta, or because he’d once loved her mother. She’d kept his visit to her secret from Peeta. No one wanted to know that at the time of your death, your own family would rather bring gifts to your opponent. The father was cowardly, the mother was cruel, and the brothers were fools. The fact that that family had produced someone like Peeta amazed her. Vlad knew though, he knew what she supposedly didn’t need to know and she guessed that someone who had taken the time out to care about Peeta in those years he’d needed it the most would know. Ashamed, she glanced to the ground. She knew that Vlad wasn’t her biggest fan, she knew that she was the most undeserving person of Peeta’s love, but she still craved it. And somewhere inside of her, she wanted Vlad’s approval. She didn’t ask because he didn’t want her to know, but she hated herself for not being able to figure it out.

 “This shouldn’t be about me, Vlad. It wasn’t your fault. Nothing of this is your fault. So why would you fight for it? Prim is her younger sister. I’m just… I’m just me. I need no saving. Not from you. You can’t compare yourself to what Katniss has done. She expected to die in there for Prim. I can’t let you expect to die in a war you’re fighting because you couldn’t volunteer for me. That’s insane.” […] “Katniss wakes up every night, screaming. You’ll wake up every night screaming as well. You didn’t think about that, did you? That your daughter will hear you yell every night? Because there’s no way to control it, Vlad. It just happens. We don’t have to take care of anybody but us, so it’s okay if we break and scream. But you’ll scar your family for life. For me. That’s not okay. That’s just… it’s not okay” […] “I’m not comparing myself to Katniss. That was brave beyond anything else I’ve ever seen, or probably will ever see.” […] “That already happens.” […] “Lily hears me screaming every single night because I watched my parents be murderedby Peacekeepers. I had my dad’s bloodon my face, Peeta. You think I don’t scream? You think Lily doesn’t know?” […] My family died,Peeta. Everyone but you. Now the family that I have supports me through my screaming, because that’s what family does. I’m going to support you, Peeta. There’s nothing you can do about that. I’m your family. Fuck those people in D12 who hurt you, I’ll never hurt you, and I won’t let anyone else hurt you anymore.” […] “Basically, what I’m saying is, you’ll never stop me doing this until you’re safe, until we all are. So stop yelling at me and start thinking of ways you can help.”

Sometimes, Katniss did wonder why she was alive. Death had been laid out for her like a fine dining cloth and she had gone and cheated it. Sometimes, she saw the blue of the berries staining the skin of her hands, she still heard the mutts crying in the distance, she felt the cool steel of a blade against her throat, tracker-jacker stings on her arms. Death had been waiting for her – perhaps it still was waiting for her. But sacrificing herself for Prim had been easy, it had rolled off her tongue. I volunteer as tribute. Anything else was unthinkable. She did not want Vlad’s compliments; she didn’t want anyone to think that she was brave, because she wasn’t. She shouldn’t have had to swap her own life for that of a twelve year old girl’s. No twelve year old girl should have to feel the fear that Prim had, should have the feel the guilt that she had when Katniss went off to fight to her death. What kind of person allowed this to happen and thought that it was okay? What about any of this was okay? Katniss was tired of it. She clung to Peeta’s hand, Vlad’s words stinging like she wouldn’t have expected. Sometimes she was forced to remind herself that she was not made of stone. Start thinking of ways you can help. Katniss knew how she could help. And sometimes, this place made her so angry that she actually wanted to help them. She wanted to become the Mockingjay and show the Capitol how very fragile it truly was. She wanted to stamp them out. Feeling something wet on her cheek, Katniss found that a tear had escaped somewhere among Vlad’s confession that she quickly wiped away, looking to Peeta for a reaction. “He’s right. He’s just doing what I did for Prim.” She spoke quietly, suddenly seeing Vlad’s point of view so much clearer. It was the only way that she could understand all of this. He was doing this for Peeta, this was how he volunteered. She laced her fingers through Peeta’s and squeezed him gently. “What’s the point in doing this if all we are is surviving every single day…” She closed her eyes, conflicted. She didn’t want Vlad to convince her that the ways of the Rebellion were right but she knew that her own cowardice was what kept her from helping. She and Peeta could do the world of good and yet they kept their mouths shut to keep everyone safe. But no one was safe. They would never be safe.

[starcrossed-peeta]

“I’m a grown up, and I’m not the one who needs saving.” [...] "You wouldn’t have had a choice if I volunteered and you know it, and you know I would have if I could have." [...] "You are my family, you’re so fucking thick Peeta! My parents had died. I didn’t have another single person in the world who cared about me but you, and then you were taken by the Capitol too.” [...] “I’m not going to tell her, Peeta. You should, though. I’m not comparing myself to Katniss. That was brave beyond anything else I’ve ever seen, or probably will ever see.” [...] “Don’t say that, don’t ever say that. Everything that was done to us was cruel, and wrong and unjust. You deserved so much better… You’re worth everything, Peeta. Whatever good there is in this world, you of all people deserve it. I don’t deserve it, none of the other victors deserve it but you do.”

Peeta raised his eyebrow at Vlad, a somewhat derisive look on his face. So Vlad was the adult who didn't need saving? What was he then? A little boy? "For your information, I'm a grown up as well now. I don't need saving. I never did." Maybe as a baby boy, freshly born and thrown into a family not made for him -- maybe back then, at the very beginning, he could have needed saving. A better family. Another life. But he didn't get what he needed back then, and now it was far too late to bother with saving. The Games destroyed him too much for saving, just like his mother did before that. Pulling at the roots of his hair, feeling as if he attempted to pull the blond strands right out of his scalp, Peeta simply shook his head. Again and again. He needed no saving. He didn't need saving at his reaping either. It was what fate chose for him, and even if it destroyed him that little bit more, it also brought him closer to Katniss. And if that was fate's plan, Vlad couldn't have done anything about it, abel to or not. "I know, but you couldn't. You weren't there, you weren't able to help, and I'm glad you weren't, because not in a thousand life times would I have wanted for you to throw your life away for me. And there's nothing you can change about it anymore now either, Vlad, so stop bothering to think about it. What's done is done. Nobody here can time travel." The last words were spit out in sarcasm, and he squirmed on the bed, unable to put into words how he felt. Not only hopeless and broken, but desperate. Desperate for Vlad to stop trying to make his life any better than it was. It didn't lie in his best friend's hands, but he never seemed to realize that.  "And I'm sorry. I'm sorry your parents died. I'm sorry you had no family. But I couldn't have been your replacement for a family. I was just a little boy. I wasn't even aware that you were still alive when I was reaped. Stop telling me you would have volunteered. Stop telling me I was your family. Just stop, Vlad. You weren't there. And that was okay. Start accepting it. Now."

He pressed his lips into a thin line, teeth gnawing at the inside of his cheeks. Slowly Peeta started to feel as if yelling at the two of them had been far easier than trying to argue with them about all of this -- it was too sad. Anger held no bounds, it let you put everything out there without ever telling you off for it. Sadness though? Reasoning? It was awfully complicated. Putting into words what he wanted them to know, what he felt, turned out harder with each passing second. Where was the Peeta who always knew what to say? Who had the perfect words always lying at the tip of his tongue? There were no words now. Just frustration and a mild feeling of oncoming tears as he listened to both Vlad and Katniss try to hammer sense into his head he didn't want. Staring down at the floor, he tried to block all memories of his family life that came rushing back to him. He had successfully locked them away for so long he managed to forget. He had never talked about any of it, either. He hadn't even been aware of it until this very moment. And now he was supposed to tell Katniss about it? Who had just started loving him? Shaking his head, he looked up at her, a strained smile on his face as he squeezed her hand in his. "Don't listen to him. There's nothing you need to know." To him, that was the truth. His lips twitched with even more force. "I do not. You don't know what I deserve. You barely know me. You just think you know me. But you only know this me, the one-legged victor who never sleeps but always holds his arms open for you. You know my favorite color and food and whatever else, but you do not know what I deserve."

“Lily hears me screaming every single night because I watched my parents be murdered by Peacekeepers. I had my dad’s blood on my face, Peeta. You think I don’t scream? You think Lily doesn’t know? My family died, Peeta. Everyone but you. Now the family that I have supports me through my screaming, because that’s what family does. I’m going to support you, Peeta. There’s nothing you can do about that. I’m your family. Fuck those people in D12 who hurt you, I’ll never hurt you, and I won’t let anyone else hurt you anymore. Basically, what I’m saying is, you’ll never stop me doing this until you’re safe, until we all are. So stop yelling at me and start thinking of ways you can help.” [...]  “He’s right. He’s just doing what I did for Prim. What’s the point in doing this if all we are is surviving every single day…” 

Peeta hadn't thought that Vlad's nightmares could already be bad enough that he woke up screaming every single night. And now that he knew, he already dreaded the moment Vlad walked out of here and would be even worse. What would follow? How could what happened to him in here affect him even worse than that? Rubbing furiously at his left eye, trying to rub back in whatever tears were forming in the back of his head, Peeta looked up at Vlad with a frown on his face. "You can't protect me from the world, Vlad. I know how to handle people hurting me, and I don't need you putting yourself out there just so that you get back home needing even more support than you already do right now. There is no good here. I don't want to be the reason why you break even more. That's... that's what I can't handle. I can handle the rest -- all this. But I can't handle you getting even worse because all you wanted to do was save me", he whispered, his eyes leaving Vlad's face to look back at the floor. No matter what Vlad said, no matter if Peeta tried to help him or not, he would never approve of any of this. Chances were, he would still feel guilty for all Vlad was doing here years later. If they were still alive then, of course. If not then, well, this was all one big waste of time. Katniss taking his side wasn't making it any better either. Peeta let out a frustrated groan, leaning back on the bed, wanting nothing more than fall into a dreamless slumber. "Yeah? If that's the case, why don't you think of ways to help him. Because I honestly can't think of any. Maybe you two life savers should open your own support group. Without me."

[vladimir-stringer-deactivated20]

Servitude || Katniss and Vlad (and Peeta)

[vladimir-stringer-deactivated20]

"Maybe I would have volunteered" […] "Being in District 12 without you wouldn’t have been worth it anymore. And you… had people who need you. You always did. You always had people to care about, why add me to that? It’s ridiculous to do this for me, Vlad. I don’t need it. I don’t deserve it." […] "I don’t want you to sacrifice anything for my happiness. I just want you to lead a good life. Why can’t you just do that?" Vlad wasn’t even the least bit surprised to hear Peeta’s confession. It didn’t surprise him for a minute to think that Peeta would’ve volunteered if it had been Vlad’s named being called. “I was too old when you got Reaped.” He muttered, reliving it for the one thousandth time in his mind. He pinched the bridge of his nose and for a moment, focused on breathing. In and out. He was going to pass out if he didn’t breathe properly, but it ached in his chest. It hurt to take deep breaths. “I literally couldn’t do anything at all. I wasn’t even there, Peeta. Now picture yourself as me and watching that.” He let his hand fall away from his face, let Peeta see his blood shot eyes. The effort it took not to cry did nothing to make it look like he hadn’t been. He clenched his fists once more and resisted the urge to scream. “What makes me more deserving?” He asked, his voice barely more than a forced whisper, the exact opposite of the noise he wanted to make. Peeta’s lack of respect for himself was overwhelming. Vlad was sure that he hadn’t even seen the half of what happened to Peeta when they were kids. Peeta’s mom would’ve at least tried to be a normal person in front of company, surely, though Vlad could tell that Peeta’s dad never once stood his ground to that woman, even to protect her son. Peeta’s brothers were just as cruel, and less clever at covering it up. “What do you think you’ve done to deserve this, Peeta? This place… This life? You’ve done nothing to deserve this. You deserve to be happy, and free. I’m not letting you just think that no one cares. I care. You know I care. Let me care for you.” He was so desperate to get through to his friend. His anger had all but dissolved. A kind of confused frustration remained. Peeta just literally could not understand that someone else might want for him to be happy. He looked to Katniss desperately and wondered if she even knew the half of it. Peeta never would have said anything. Vlad just wanted to break down and tell her everything he’d ever seen. How no one in his family wanted or loved him, and how desperately her refusal to acknowledge Peeta had crushed him for years. “You don’t even know.” Vlad choked desperately. Maybe he was wrong, but he couldn’t see a moment in Peeta’s life where he would even confess to his shitty childhood. Maybe Peeta didn’t even realise how horrible it had been. “Imagine if you couldn’t have volunteered for Prim, Katniss. What would you have done, if there was nothing legal to do?” He knew she’d understand. Peeta was right about one thing, and that was that Vlad was his true brother. His only brother. Katniss understood what it was like to have a younger sibling that she’d do anything for. If she could look him in the eyes and deny it, she was a fully fledged liar, and Vlad wouldn’t ever forgive her. “She’s right, Vlad. […] Do you get that?” […] “I love you, too” "I get that." Vlad whispered, his eyes downcast. Peeta was right in that respect. It was reckless for him to be there, he was endangering his family, not just himself. If something happened to him, the worst thing he could think of was that they would find Sati and Lily and his mom. He couldn’t stand the thought, it made him feel sick. He couldn’t even look at Peeta or Katniss for a moment. He couldn’t even breathe. His chest was tight, his heart going way too fast. "I’m not okay here. I underestimated how bad it would be." He admitted. Peeta at least deserved to hear that. He always knew it must be bad for Katniss and Peeta, but he never understood until he’d lived it. He could feel his mind slipping away from him, the way Katniss said it did for them. It was terrifying. "Every day… I risk being arrested. Every single day, Peeta. I’m a Rebel. I’m a D12 citizen and I live in the Capitol. I don’t look remotely like I’m from here, or sound like I’m from here. Me being physically in here, yeah, it’s more dangerous…" He took a deep breath and prayed to the universe that he’d got all the bugs. "But Peeta that’s every day. Even out there, it’s hard. It’s a hell of a lot easier than in here, but it’s still not living. I want to know you can breathe sometimes too. I have faith in this movement. When it’s done with… Just imagine breathing." He said with a small, optimistic smile, imagining it for himself. His big house in D4, with Sati and his kids. Maybe Peeta and Katniss would be there, too, and they’d have kids of their own. They’d be able to relax for long enough to actually consider it. None of them would live in fear. He felt like a strange kind of observer into a relationship that was barely seen by other people, Katniss comforting Peeta and them sharing just a little bit of love. He felt awkward, but even though, he smiled. It made him smile, and it made him ache for Sati. It also made him feel better about Peeta’s rage, knowing he wasn’t going to hurt or be mad at Katniss. "Imagine if our kids were friends, and we didn’t have to worry about any of this." He said, still smiling as he gestured to the Capitol. He knew Peeta wanted kids, at least. Maybe Katniss would even consider them if there were no Capitol left.

[katnissfleur]

“You don’t even know.” […] “Imagine if you couldn’t have volunteered for Prim, Katniss. What would you have done, if there was nothing legal to do?”

Katniss attempted to stay out of this conversation, her hand around Peeta’s like the doting girlfriend she was still learning to be. Vlad being here was a reminder to her, a reminder that Prim could be laying dead on the grounds of Victor’s Village right this second. Her corpse decaying next to her mother’s, waiting for Katniss to return home after the Games and find them. A message to the girl on fire. She imagined her home on fire, imagined the entire of District 12 on fire. Often when she was spared her nightly return to the arena, Katniss would dream of fire. Everything on fire. Every district, every living being. Panem on fire, as far as the eye could see. Sometimes she felt the flames licking her skin and woke up screeching, Peeta’s arms not even enough to save her from the heat. It always took an ice cold shower to shock her out of that dream. It was always her fire spreading, the destruction was always her doing and a dead Vlad would be just another example of her mistakes. Her consequences forced upon the people she cared about and there was simply nothing that Katniss could do about it. She and Peeta were fooling themselves if they thought the Star-Crossed Lovers act could keep the Rebellion under wraps. The Rebellion knew, they had always known and they were stronger than she’d thought. Katniss was afraid, and she hated it. It made her skin crawl, it made her feel hot, enclosed, trapped. The world was still watching, it had never finished watching. And she could feel every eye upon her.

She almost wanted to drop Vlad’s gaze but that would be cowardly. He knew, well enough, that she was a coward, that she would do anything to save her own skin much sooner than she would anyone else’s. She just wanted to get home in one peace, her and Peeta at peace at least for another few months. They had allowed themselves their fantasy of him working in the bakery, her hunting only for them to fall together in the evenings and share their lives until it was time to return to the Capitol. They talked about that fantasy, they tried to live it when they closed their eyes but deep down the pair of them knew that it was a fantasy. Katniss had known it since the moment she stepped off the train in the Capitol. They would not return to District 12. Why? She had no idea, but there was no going back. Something was coming their way and as much as Katniss tried to outrun it, it was catching up to her. She held his gaze, because it was the only act of bravery that Katniss Everdeen could display anymore. She held onto Peeta though, remaining silent for a long time. All three of them knew the truth — if Katniss had been put in Vlad’s position then she would’ve marched up to the Capitol herself and shot an arrow through the head of President Snow. It was undeniable. “Whatever it took.” She said quietly, feeling almost like she was betraying Peeta in admitting that she was hypocrite. She could yell and scream for Vlad’s stupidity but had she been in his shoes she would’ve lead the damn rebellion herself. “But that does not change the fact that you are here, you’re Peeta’s best friend and we will always feel responsible. I’m with Peeta on this, Vlad, I’m sorry. You can’t possibly understand what this place does to you. We don’t want that for you. You came in here yourself but you’ll leave half a man. It takes something from you, and you won’t get it back.”

“Never thought I’d hear that out of your mouth” […] She’s right, Vlad. I can’t not worry about you in this place.  never expected it to be this dangerous, but it is. I haven’t been truly relaxed and carefree once since being reaped, and you’re not really helping with that by putting yourself on a silver plate for this man. It doesn’t matter if usually nobody notices Avoxes — the chances and our missing luck means they’re going to notice you, and with even less luck they’re going to find out what you mean to me, and from that moment on I’d constantly worry about every breath I take because inhaling too much air could mean Sati or Lily or you get hurt, tortured or killed. And I can’t live with that. I won’t live with that. Do you get that?” […] “I love you, too”

Katniss smiled fondly at Peeta, a gentle twitch of the lips she often showed him over dinner or out in public. Her hand held onto his, so strong between her own so feeble. Everything about Peeta was strong to Katniss. He had always been the strong one in her eyes despite what everyone seemed to think. He had yet to break all the way through whereas Katniss had given into the vision, the flashbacks, the depression. It had all hit her at once and she had fallen straight through it, not stopping or slowing down even once. The mentoring had been even worse, clinging onto Peeta’s hand last year, watching their tributes fall so quickly, and after she had been so cold to them. Peeta had spoken with them, bonded, and yet he had comforted her as together they’d watched them die. Peeta certainly was the strong one, she was starting to think that not even the Capitol could break him completely. “Yeah, I’m not exactly used to it either,” she mumbled in reply, her eyes on his alone, almost unaware of Vlad sitting right across from them. Kissing his cheek, Katniss wrapped an arm around him, knowing what it was like to feel as though something was swallowing you whole. She knew it much too well, in fact it was all that she knew. But Peeta’s arms had been a refuge for her more times than she can count, so as uncomfortable as she was comforting him right there in front of Vlad, she couldn’t not do as he would for her. “I don’t think we’ll be breathing for a long time, Vlad. The Games knocked the air from us and we’re still trying to catch our breaths.”

[starcrossed-peeta]

“I was too old when you got Reaped. I literally couldn’t do anything at all. I wasn’t even there, Peeta. Now picture yourself as me and watching that. What makes me more deserving? What do you think you’ve done to deserve this, Peeta? This place… This life? You’ve done nothing to deserve this. You deserve to be happy, and free. I’m not letting you just think that no one cares. I care. You know I care. Let me care for you."

Peeta felt a shiver run down his spine. The simple imagination of Vlad volunteering after he got reaped... he would have never forgiven himself. Yes, of course he had waited for somebody to do what Katniss had done for Prim, but not Vlad. Anybody but Vlad. He needed his best friend to stay sane back then, even if he hadn't been there at all -- Peeta had known he was somewhere, doing what he wanted, and that was okay for him. Better than seeing him fight a battle in the arena that wasn't his but Peeta's. "It was better that way. I wouldn't have let you volunteer for me. I wouldn't have been able to look at you if you came to say goodbye. It was okay the way it was." Alone. Peeta had expected to at least see his father, but he had been lonely, waiting for somebody to come while he imagined Katniss comfort her crying family, and Gale. Not that he wanted to think of Gale, but back then he was an even bigger issue than now. It had been okay, being alone. At least he didn't cry in front of his family. At least he could be weak on his own, and if only for a couple of minutes. He closed his eyes as he listened to Vlad rant on about his life. Vlad was so wrong. How could he be so wrong? Peeta realized he couldn't tell his friend why he thought he deserved not to be cared for. Maybe simply because he existed. There wasn't any other reason he could come up with, but he knew that he deserved this life. That he deserved not being cared for. That Vlad deserved to put his care elsewhere, not into a lost cause such as him. Shaking his head, Peeta rubbed his knuckles over his forehead, trying to get rid of a building headache. "I don't know, Vlad. All I know is that I do deserve it, and I don't deserve your care. Put it into saving your family. Put it into taking care of them. I don't need it. It's not worth putting it into me. Who knows? Maybe it's just because I exist. Maybe that's already enough reason for me to think that way."

“You don’t even know. Imagine if you couldn’t have volunteered for Prim, Katniss. What would you have done, if there was nothing legal to do? -- “Whatever it took. But that does not change the fact that you are here, you’re Peeta’s best friend and we will always feel responsible. I’m with Peeta on this, Vlad, I’m sorry. You can’t possibly understand what this place does to you. We don’t want that for you. You came in here yourself but you’ll leave half a man. It takes something from you, and you won’t get it back.”

Until Vlad's face contorted in a pained expression, Peeta didn't even understand what this was about. He didn't understand what Vlad meant, not until he looked at Katniss. Not until he said it -- you don't know. Peeta held his breath. He had forgotten that they both grew up. Never had he considered it possible that when growing up, Vlad interpreted more into the bruises on his body, and the yelling coming from his house. Maybe Vlad put one and one together, too late, but he still did. And suddenly he felt... what, bad because of it? As if he could have changed anything about it. Peeta was good at just ignoring his past, at forgetting. But right now? He was at risk of all of it being exposed, and he didn't need that. He didn't need to be thrown into that black pit when he was already struggling to breathe enough. He didn't need Katniss' pity. "She doesn't need to know", he said quietly, jaw tensed. "This shouldn't be about me, Vlad. It wasn't your fault. Nothing of this is your fault. So why would you fight for it? Prim is her younger sister. I'm just... I'm just me. I need no saving. Not from you. You can't compare yourself to what Katniss has done. She expected to die in there for Prim. I can't let you expect to die in a war you're fighting because you couldn't volunteer for me. That's insane." He looked at Katniss for a moment, unsure whether to say the next words he planned on saying. Peeta gave her a guilty look, a kiss to the temple as if to say sorry. "Katniss wakes up every night, screaming. You'll wake up every night screaming as well. You didn't think about that, did you? That your daughter will hear you yell every night? Because there's no way to control it, Vlad. It just happens. We don't have to take care of anybody but us, so it's okay if we break and scream. But you'll scar your family for life. For me. That's not okay. That's just... it's not okay", he whispered, looking down at his hand holding Katniss' still in his lap. He knew it was too late to make Vlad realize what he had done, or make him regret it. He was in the middle of it all already. But maybe it could keep him from future stupidities. Maybe it could keep him safer in other missions that were planned.

"I get that. I’m not okay here. I underestimated how bad it would be. Every day… I risk being arrested. Every single day, Peeta. I’m a Rebel. I’m a D12 citizen and I live in the Capitol. I don’t look remotely like I’m from here, or sound like I’m from here. Me being physically in here, yeah, it’s more dangerous… But Peeta that’s every day. Even out there, it’s hard. It’s a hell of a lot easier than in here, but it’s still not living. I want to know you can breathe sometimes too. I have faith in this movement. When it’s done with… Just imagine breathing. Imagine if our kids were friends, and we didn’t have to worry about any of this." [...] Yeah, I’m not exactly used to it either. I don’t think we’ll be breathing for a long time, Vlad. The Games knocked the air from us and we’re still trying to catch our breaths.”

Every single word he said was true. Of course it was. Vlad was right in saying that it was dangerous being here, it was why Peeta had initially freaked out when seeing him here in the first place. Of course it was nice to know his best friend was living right around the corner, just like back in District 12, but it also really made it hard to breathe -- he was right in saying that. But Peeta doubted he'd ever be able to breathe again. Capitol or not, Hunger Games or not, freedom or not... the memories would be with him, and he would be unable to get rid of them. "I don't know if I can ever breathe again. I don't know if we can ever breathe again", he whispered, looking up at Katniss. He couldn't imagine any of that. For once, because there was still a pretty big chance that this movement might fail. And also because Vlad might get killed, any of them might get killed. And because he knew freedom wouldn't necessarily change Katniss' opinion about having kids. He was okay with that, obviously, but still... he let out a quiet sigh, leaning his forehead against Katniss' shoulder. "I don't think I can imagine any of that. Not until it happens. Not until... not until we're okay. And I don't know if we'll ever be okay again."

[vladimir-stringer-deactivated20]

Servitude || Katniss and Vlad (and Peeta)

[vladimir-stringer-deactivated20]

"I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you to do something you’d hate yourself for." […] “Yeah, I know. It’s just… I didn’t expect that” […] “I wouldn’t have hit you though. I think in that moment I would have gained back some sanity.” Katniss really, really, could’ve hit him a lot harder. She could’ve done a lot more damage. Katniss was a fighter, and even if she was trained with a bow, she would know what to do if she were unarmed too. What she’d done had been barely more than tap his cheek. He didn’t want Peeta to be mad at her for that. “You never expected Katniss to hit me? You’ve got more faith than me.” Vlad said with just the slightest smirk, his eyebrows a little raised. He thought that maybe Peeta would calm down if Vlad attempted a joke, maybe they’d all calm down. Vlad wanted some normalcy, though he already felt like he was totally caught out for even using his voice. He hadn’t spoken in such a long time, it hurt from disuse. Vlad needed his voice to try and diffuse Peeta’s anger, which he could still see bubbling at the surface. He’d never seen Peeta so angry or irrational. He almost didn’t want to leave the two of them alone together. “I think I would’ve hit you.” Vlad shrugged, almost a little embarrassed at the confession. It was just so frustrating that Peeta wouldn’t keep an open mind about the Resistance. He was just so stubborn, it was like talking to a brick wall. When Peeta couldn’t even understand that Vlad would’ve done anything to keep Lily from being reaped, he got angry. Vlad felt like his own personal anger was less comforting than Peeta’s, though. Vlad already knew he had anger and hate inside his heart, he didn’t want to think that Peeta was like that too. “I know, I know. But any second you spend here is another second in which you can get hurt. And I don’t want to hear that you’re never safe. I like to tell myself you’re safe out there, at least safer than in here, because I can’t think about you getting hurt. You’re like my one true brother, you know that, right? If you get hurt here I’ll hate myself even more for it as if you get hurt out there.” […] “Please don’t tell me why you joined it. I feel bad enough for all of this as it is” "Who have you lost, Peeta?" Vlad asked softly, trying not to sound offensive or judgmental. Peeta’s family dynamic was horrible. Vlad grew up knowing that, although the actual instances of all the neglect and abuse he’d seen as a child really didn’t make sense until he was older. Peeta wasn’t wanted, Vlad knew that. Peeta knew that, and he hoped Katniss knew that, too. Peeta wasn’t wanted, at least by his family. His real family. It was awful. But Peeta hadn’t lost anyone, either. "You’re so… Afraid. Of losing me, and I get it. What would you have done if it were me, huh? If you’d seen me get reaped?" He put a hand over his face out of frustration, but also out of trying to will himself not to cry. He wasn’t even Peeta’s real brother, but he cared a hell of a lot more than the boys with the surname Mellark. The Avox clothing he wore just went to prove it. "You need to let yourself be cared for, Peeta. You need to let me take over with this and do what I need to do without freaking out all the time. You act like you’ve lost everyone in your life. Well, for a while, I had-" He cut himself off for a moment while his voice cracked and shook. The burning in his throat hurt a lot less than the memories of the time after Peeta had been Reaped. Even after the Games, he hadn’t seen his friend. His parents had been killed. His girlfriend had died. He’d lost everyone. Every single person he’d ever loved had gone, even Peeta, even if Peeta wasn’t dead. “Even with Katniss, hell, Peeta. You cared for her for a fucking decade before she cared for you. You need to just… You need to let me do it for a while, alright? Let me say I joined because of you without freaking out about responsibility. Just for a minute, imagine that someone else in the world is willing to sacrifice themselves for your happiness. Everyone deserves that. Even you.” What was frustrating more than Peeta’s stubbornness to even consider the Resistance was his complete disregard for himself and his own happiness. It was a disturbing reminder of Peeta’s childhood that Vlad didn’t like to think about.

“I’m sorry” […] “I shouldn’t have reacted like that. I guess it’s okay that you hit him. I mean, it’s not, but it was your way of calming us down, and it obviously worked, so… it’s okay. Just never do it again” […] “Man, this is so fucked up” […] “I wish I had never seen you here.” Vlad was aware that Peeta was trying to convey something to Katniss without acknowledging Vlad, and he thought it was stupid. He rolled his eyes a little before slumping against the wall, sitting himself on the floor, and resting his head in his hands. He just wanted to stay there until he could recover. He’d never really thought about how hard it was for Katniss and Peeta to have to live like this all the time. Of course, they weren’t slaves, not the same way that he was. They were still working for the Capitol though. Vlad understood why Peeta had been so hell bent on being in love with Katniss. She was the only one who truly understood everything, which was why they were sharing some kind of moment, bonding over Vlad’s apparent stupidity. “It’s okay she hit me. Loads of people hit me, Peeta. You can’t get mad at all of them.” Vlad realised then that Peeta probably never saw him get hit in the face, either. Peeta didn’t see a lot of what happened to Vlad when they weren’t together. He peaked over his hands to see Peeta in a similar kind of pose. Vlad frowned and instead wrapped his arms around his knees. “I didn’t mean to see you. I meant to avoid this floor… I’m just out of it.” As if it wasn’t obvious by the dark rings around his eyes, his gaunt face, his pale complexion that Vlad wasn’t out of his mind stressed. He was so stressed that he hadn’t even thought about Katniss and Peeta being in the same building. “It’s okay though. No one notices the Avoxes doing anything.” He said with a small shrug. If anything, they’d assume Katniss had some gross, kinky thing she’d wanted Vlad in particular for, but Vlad wasn’t going to mention that. He might have, if he were his normal self, but he definitely wasn’t at that moment.

[katnissfleur]

“I’m sorry” […] “I shouldn’t have reacted like that. I guess it’s okay that you hit him. I mean, it’s not, but it was your way of calming us down, and it obviously worked, so… it’s okay. Just never do it again”

Katniss did not want to appear cold and uncaring, it just happened that she so often seemed to be so cold and uncaring that she found herself wondering why the Capitol had deemed her likeable in the first place, why the Rebellion had chosen her stupid face to give the masses hope. Why must it be her, cold, unreasonable, selfish, impatient Katniss Everdeen. She met Peeta’s eyes and she knew it should’ve been him. She should have died in those Games, they could have fashioned her into something of a martyr, made Peeta the hero in all of this — god knows he’d do a better job than she ever would. She was like a stone wall, cold, hard and unmoved no matter what. But strong. Somehow, she remained strong. Crossing the room again, she sat down beside Peeta, ran her hand gently over his back and kissed his shoulder as he hid his face within his hands. Hardened hands, painter’s hands, lover’s hands. “I love you.” She whispered against the smoothness of his sweater, she could almost feel how expensive the Capitol fabrics were. She wondered if Vlad found it strange, seeing the soft Katniss that only reared its head around Peeta or her sister. She often hid her affections for him, tucked them away beneath her cold exterior and kept them all to herself. Now that she did care, now that the Star-Crossed Lovers gimmick had become a reality, Katniss tried to hide any sign of real love for Peeta from the outside world. She’d already failed when Snow demanded a more convincing performance so she figured that she may aswell keep the real stuff private. It was obvious though, even when the day wore down upon her and she snapped at every remark sent her way, at every question asked over the dinner table, every gaze that fell upon her, no matter what she would look at Peeta with a particular kind of softness she saved only for him. Katniss was lost in him and even when she took the stress of this place out on him, it always held some kind of affection, she always accepted his arms.

Katniss shot Vlad a look, a cross between a warning and a confused frown. Thinking about it, neither of them had truly lost anyone. Vlad had. Vlad knew devastation but he didn’t know destruction like Katniss and Peeta did. Destruction was the taunting voices in the back of her head, it was her up a tree like live bait, it was a little girl with dark hair and bright eyes laying still in her arms, it was an arrow through the heart of a boy who knew no different. This place. Their minds. Sometimes she hated it so much that she considered walking right out of here and agreeing to be the Mockingjay if it meant putting an end to all of this. But her fear was stronger than her hatred. The love she felt for Peeta, Prim, her mother — it burned brighter than her passion to see this place fall. Perhaps it was selfish, but Katniss was a survivor and she found herself putting the needs of herself and her family before anyone else. Before the twenty-four faceless children who’s names were called once every year. Looking to Vlad, her expression softened slightly, the steely grey turning to something tired, something empty. In just a few weeks Vlad seemed so gaunt, so exhausted and burnt out. They lived this. He would never truly understand it the way that Katniss and Peeta did. “Neither of us have lost anyone, Vlad. Not physically anyway. It’s all… it’s all in here,” she tapped her forehead with her index finger gently. “we’ve lost our minds with worry and paranoia, expecting any day now that one of our family members will have been shot down in the streets. Because of us. Or Haymitch will have had some drunken ‘accident’. Because of us. We’re terrified of what our actions means for the people we love and now here you are, you’ve walked right into the lion’s den for Peeta. Because of Peeta. It means constantly worrying, constantly expecting never to see you again.” She bit down on her lip, letting her hand fall from Peeta’s back to tug gently on the end of her braid. “He doesn’t want to see you hurt. Neither of us do, Vlad.”

Vlad was wrong, Katniss noticed Avox’s. They send shivers along her spine and left guilt like rotten fruit at the bottom of her stomach. What she did notice was what some Mentors used them for and she knew that there was always an explanation for this kind of thing. So long as word didn’t get to Snow. Sometimes she wondered about that man. There was something about him, something that petrified her right to her very core. It was like he knew Katniss better than she knew herself. He knew right where to place his targets and now Vlad could count himself a part of that list if he were ever to know about this. Katniss met Vlad’s gaze for a moment, and though she felt a lot of things right now, her eyes conveyed nothing. Sometimes she felt so much that it turned into nothing at all. Reaching for Peeta’s hand, Katniss gave him a soft squeeze, noticing how dark the room seemed to have become, how the sky outside had greyed despite it being the late afternoon as though reflecting the sudden drop in energy among the three of them. She didn’t even know if she’d have the strength to stand right now. Letting out a shaky exhale she dropped her gaze to the carpet and wondered how quickly the stuff would burn.

[starcrossed-peeta]

"Who have you lost, Peeta? You’re so… Afraid. Of losing me, and I get it. What would you have done if it were me, huh? If you’d seen me get reaped? You need to let yourself be cared for, Peeta. [...] Let me say I joined because of you without freaking out about responsibility. Just for a minute, imagine that someone else in the world is willing to sacrifice themselves for your happiness. Everyone deserves that. Even you.”

Peeta tugged at the ends of his short blonde hair, trying to release the anger and tension still bubbling in his head. It wasn't needed there anymore, but he had underestimated his anger. He had underestimated his desperation. Katniss' presence helped -- had she upset him even more just seconds ago, it was kind of comforting to feel her lean into him, her hand running along his spine. Maybe she calmed him down even more than he managed to do that himself. Which was ridiculous, thinking about the fact that just weeks ago she had upset him, broken him, unable to show him any sort of care. Care. It was weird to hear Vlad talk about it like that. It wasn't something very prominent in his life, and it wasn't something he felt the need to talk about. Especially not now, not after he had just been so upset about his friend being here, wanting to care more for him than being cared for. "I'm not acting as if I have lost everybody", he replied quietly, hoping that was the truth. After all, he hadn't. He hadn't lost a single person in his life, but still... there weren't a lot of people he had to lose. So why wasn't he allowed to be scared for Vlad, the only true family he ever had? And what would he have done if it had been Vlad at the reaping? Peeta could remember the terror as if it had happened just seconds ago. The silence. The faces watching him. The hope that maybe somebody would do the same for him as Katniss had done for Prim. But what would he have done if it was Vlad, if he was the one staring?

"Maybe I would have volunteered", he said out of the blue, something he hadn't considered before, but definitely considered now. "Being in District 12 without you wouldn't have been worth it anymore. And you... had people who need you. You always did. You always had people to care about, why add me to that? It's ridiculous to do this for me, Vlad. I don't need it. I don't deserve it." Because he hadn't done anything to deserve it. He hadn't done anything for Vlad, or for anybody for that matter. He had just existed, fought in the Games, survived thanks to Katniss. But nothing else. That was it. What a boring life, now that he thought about it. And yet here he was, exhausted and followed by nightmares and fearing for Vlad's life. "I don't want you to sacrifice anything for my happiness. I just want you to lead a good life. Why can't you just do that?"

“I love you.” -- “Neither of us have lost anyone, Vlad. Not physically anyway. It’s all… it’s all in here. We’ve lost our minds with worry and paranoia, expecting any day now that one of our family members will have been shot down in the streets. Because of us. Or Haymitch will have had some drunken ‘accident’. Because of us. We’re terrified of what our actions means for the people we love and now here you are, you’ve walked right into the lion’s den for Peeta. Because of Peeta. It means constantly worrying, constantly expecting never to see you again. He doesn’t want to see you hurt. Neither of us do, Vlad.”

Peeta stared down at Katniss' hand taking his, surprised by how she managed to be like this. Comforting, soft in front of Vlad, so unlike the woman she was not too long ago. He wondered what Vlad might think seeing her like this, but honestly, he didn't care in that moment. He was just glad that Katniss was the one person who understood what he was on about. She understood that this wasn't about having lost people, it was about losing your mind and being constantly on edge because of what the Capitol did to them. How it threatened them without ever actually saying it. Squeezing Katniss' hand slightly, he felt a tiny smile crawl onto his lips. "Never thought I'd hear that out of your mouth", he said quietly as he looked at her, before turning his head to look towards Vlad again. "She's right, Vlad. I can't not worry about you in this place.  never expected it to be this dangerous, but it is. I haven't been truly relaxed and carefree once since being reaped, and you're not really helping with that by putting yourself on a silver plate for this man. It doesn't matter if usually nobody notices Avoxes -- the chances and our missing luck means they're going to notice you, and with even less luck they're going to find out what you mean to me, and from that moment on I'd constantly worry about every breath I take because inhaling too much air could mean Sati or Lily or you get hurt, tortured or killed. And I can't live with that. I won't live with that. Do you get that?" He probably wouldn't. And Peeta couldn't be mad at him for not understanding the expenses of this situation, for rather wanting to do anything for his rebellion. He just wished that wouldn't happen to his best friend. Turning his head slightly, he inhaled a deep breath. "I love you, too", he mumbled quietly to Katniss. Because he did, and he hadn't meant any anger being directed towards her. But this situation put him more on edge than he had ever been, and he wasn't good at handling it.

[vladimir-stringer-deactivated20]

Servitude || Katniss and Vlad (and Peeta)

[vladimir-stringer-deactivated20]

Squaring off the way he was with Peeta was something Vlad never expected himself to do. Peeta got mad at him, sure, but Vlad never got mad back. Peeta’s kind of anger was only ever frustration out of being teased, too. Looking at his friend, square in his eyes, Vlad could see real anger. Vlad knew that his own eyes reflected that. His fists were clenched tight at his sides, his heart was beating so hard that it hurt. He could have hit Peeta right then, and he knew it. If he didn’t hit Peeta, Peeta was definitely going to hit him first. Even less expected than the idea that they’d actually physically fight was being pulled by the back of his shirt. He frowned a little, turning slightly to see what Katniss was doing, only to meet her fist with his cheek. “What-?” He was so confused and bewildered by the sudden pain in the side of his face that he could barely even react. He was taken entirely out of being angry with Peeta, to seeing Katniss standing in front of him, looking less apologetic than she should have. Even being so confused and shocked by it, Vlad found himself smiling, grinning, almost laughing as he put his hand to his cheek. “Yeah, I’ve probably deserved that for a while.” He agreed, slowly nodding. “Thanks.” He added with a mutter. It didn’t hurt so bad, Vlad was certain that if Katniss wanted to, she could’ve hurt him bad. She was just trying to avoid any sort of physical fighting between him and Peeta, and for that, he was glad. He could see Peeta still being mad with her though, and he was quick to shake his head. “Don’t worry about it, Peeta. I wouldn’t have forgiven myself if I’d hit you, and I know you’d be the same.” He raised his eyebrows knowingly. Vlad didn’t really know who’d win between the two of them, Peeta was a lot stronger than he looked, but he knew they’d both come out of it pretty badly hurt and very seriously apologetic. “I’m sorry. I was an asshole. I didn’t mean to be, I just… this is not okay. And I don’t really want to deal with any of this. I don’t want to figure this out. I just want to send you back home and to safety” Vlad saw the moment when Peeta stopped and relaxed, and it caused Vlad to do the same thing. Letting out a deep sigh, he felt like he could finally calm down with the anger. He couldn’t even explain how uncomfortable it made him that Peeta got mad at Katniss. In the past, Peeta should have got mad at Katniss. He deserved to get mad at Katniss. But in the past, she’d deserved to be on the receiving end of that. She didn’t now, not for a second. The fact that Peeta had trouble seeing that really worried Vlad. “It’s alright, Peeta. I know it’s… Stressful.” He muttered, looking around. He was stressed beyond belief, and really, no one was looking at him. Especially not in the same way they looked at Katniss and Peeta. Living for years under that amount of stress did something to a person. Vlad could understand, but he still didn’t like it. “I won’t be here for long, then I can go home.” He said with a shrug, like it was so simple. He didn’t know how to convince Peeta that he’d be okay, but he just had to. Peeta had enough stress in his life. “But you know I’m never safe, don’t you? None of us are. You know I joined long before I had Sati or Lily or anything. Why’d you think I did that?” He asked slowly, realising that Peeta still didn’t believe Vlad was there for him. Vlad was there for all the mentors, all the tributes, and every kid that had ever been to a Reaping. He was there because his family had been ripped apart by Capitol rules that made no sense. Vlad was there because when Peeta was 16, he hadn’t been there for him. Peeta had no one being dramatic at his Reaping, the way that Katniss had been dramatic when she heard her sister’s name called. No one made a sound when Peeta’s name had been called. Vlad was there, originally,  because Peeta still didn’t even believe that he was worth someone risking their life for him.

[katnissfleur]

“You just hit him. You fucking hit him.” […] “You better never ever do this again. Nobody hits my best friend just like that, alright?” […] “What-?” […] “Yeah, I’ve probably deserved that for a while.” […] “Thanks.”

Katniss’ knuckles barely stung from the contact with Vlad’s cheek. She could’ve hit him harder, for if there was one thing Katniss knew how to do, it was to swing punch. Maybe a couple of weeks ago she would’ve hit him harder. He’d made a million inappropriate comments toward her and Peeta as a couple — he’d even snuck into the Training Centre just to tell her to back off from Peeta. He’d had it coming. But really, she was just keeping the pair of them from doing something they’d both regret. She knew Peeta, and she knew this Peeta better than anyone. She’d seen him become this. It wasn’t a huge change, but now his temper was shortened and he wasn’t quite as easygoing as he normally was. This Peeta was still suffering from the trauma of the Games because they were still living it. She could see it on his face, see him thinking that all of this was some sick nightmare, but it was one that he couldn’t wake up from. His eyes would not flutter open to greet the day, he would not find Katniss asleep beside him, mouth ungracefully agape. She could see it settling in on his features now. This life was a nightmare from which they would never wake up.

"Yes I hit him, Peeta, because if I didn’t, you would’ve and where would that leave us?" She mumbled, leaning against the wall as she watched them. "You would never forgive yourself and you’d feel awful for days once you calm down." Her hands fidgeted as they often did when she was nervous. So often Katniss’ face remained completely impassive whilst her fingertips searched for something, anything to mess around with instead of just… standing there. Even in the Games she had been this emotionless robot. She remembered trying to soften her face in that cave with Peeta, how idiotic she’d felt, but the rewards had always been lifesaving. Now, here in this room with the pair of them, she was hard as steel, her eyes looking bored despite the way her heart pounded against her ribcage. She ignored the glare that Peeta sent her way, tired of him taking his anger out on her. She knew, of course, that she was in no position to make him stop, but Katniss was an unreasonable bitch most of the time. She was not incapable of getting momentarily mad at Peeta in moments like this. "It won’t happen again." She said quietly, watching the floor rather than Peeta. She was sure he would’ve been glad to swing one at Gale once or twice but she wouldn’t bring that up. Not right now. She sighed. "I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you to do something you’d hate yourself for."

Looking to Vlad, Katniss nodded her head, knowing that manic smile on his face more than she wanted to. She’d laughed like that before, crazily, a sharp few ‘ha ha’s’ that had so often turned into sobs for her. Here was Vlad though, seeing for the first time just what went on right under the Capitol’s thumb, and it was already driving him mad. The Training Centre was so glamorous, so huge and sophisticated with its modern architecture, the technology that would be lost back in Twelve. This place seemed like a luxury, and everyone in this damn city thought so too. But Katniss knew that it was a prison dressed up as something finer, and she was trapped no matter where she went. But this building was her cage, and Snow was watching. Always. Moving back to the window, Katniss let them talk it out, get their apologies out of the way before they actually had to begin working something out, figuring out how they would get Vlad through this nightmare. Her main concern was his mindfulness, knowing full well that no one walked out of here the same person that they walked in as. Katniss knew it — she and Vlad always knew that this life was nothing, that if they didn’t have families to love, they would be much better off dead. Peeta was the one with the love of life, not them. Keeping Vlad’s spirits up would be the hardest part, but she was willing to help. She had to help.

[starcrossed-peeta]

 “What-?” […] “Yeah, I’ve probably deserved that for a while.” […] “Thanks.” -- “Don’t worry about it, Peeta. I wouldn’t have forgiven myself if I’d hit you, and I know you’d be the same.” 

Peeta exhaled an exasperated sigh before nodding slowly. They were probably both right -- Vlad had a beating from Katniss coming ever since they first met, and that it only happened now was probably something to be proud of. And if he had hit Vlad, or the other way round, they would never forgive themselves. No matter how angry he had been seconds ago, and no matter how much anger was still bubbling inside of him, he would never forgive himself for hitting Vlad. That was just a no-go. "Yeah, I know. It's just... I didn't expect that", he said awkwardly, running a hand through his hair and rubbing it over his neck. A quiet sigh left his lips and he closed his eyes for a moment. "I wouldn't have hit you though. I think in that moment I would have gained back some sanity." At least Peeta wanted to hope that, but he had to admit he wasn't too sure if that was the truth. He didn't know himself, he didn't know that version of himself he had been minutes ago. Maybe that version of him would have hit Vlad and never forgiven himself. No matter what, he should be grateful that Katniss had interfered.

“It’s alright, Peeta. I know it’s… Stressful. I won’t be here for long, then I can go home.” -- "But you know I’m never safe, don’t you? None of us are. You know I joined long before I had Sati or Lily or anything. Why’d you think I did that?” -- "Yes I hit him, Peeta, because if I didn’t, you would’ve and where would that leave us? You would never forgive yourself and you’d feel awful for days once you calm down. It won’t happen again. I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you to do something you’d hate yourself for."

Peeta wanted to hear anything of what Vlad was saying about as much as he wanted to hear what he said before. Biting on the inside of his cheek, he tried himself to keep from saying any more upsetting things, going back into that anger hole. It wasn't a place where he ever wanted to go again, to be honest. "I know, I know. But any second you spend here is another second in which you can get hurt. And I don't want to hear that you're never safe. I like to tell myself you're safe out there, at least safer than in here, because I can't think about you getting hurt. You're like my one true brother, you know that, right? If you get hurt here I'll hate myself even more for it as if you get hurt out there." It was hard to admit to himself that actually, it didn't matter. If inside the training center, out on Capitol streets, or back in District 12 - a hurt Vlad meant that he blamed himself, a hurt Vlad meant a devastated Peeta. A hurt Vlad meant the little happiness in his world would crumble even more. Slowly looking up at Vlad, he swallowed hard. Why had Vlad joined the rebellion long before Sati and Lily? That was a good question, and Peeta knew the answer. He had always known it, he just didn't want to admit it to himself because that meant feeling even more guilty for anything happening to Vlad. "Please don't tell me why you joined it. I feel bad enough for all of this as it is", he whispered, eyes leaving Vlad's face to find Katniss' instead. Katniss, who would understand. She had been sharing this nightmare with him ever since they joined it. And she knew what impact the Capitol could hold on you, still better than Vlad, because he didn't seem to be fully aware of the consequences yet. A part of him would be dead once he was out of here, and Peeta was afraid of losing that part of Vlad. Like he was afraid of losing any part of him.

Inhaling another deep breath, he shook his head. Nothing of this was okay, and it was hard to pretend as if he was okay now. Because he definitely wasn't. "I'm sorry", he replied, eyes still focused on Katniss because he was afraid if he looked at Vlad now and realized he was the reason why his best friend was in this position, he might lose it again. "I shouldn't have reacted like that. I guess it's okay that you hit him. I mean, it's not, but it was your way of calming us down, and it obviously worked, so... it's okay. Just never do it again", he said, a crooked smile on his lips. Then he found himself sitting back down on the bed, suddenly feeling tired and exhausted as if he had been awake for weeks. "Man, this is so fucked up", he mumbled, resting his head in his hands, shaking it slightly. "I wish I had never seen you here."

[vladimir-stringer-deactivated20]

Servitude || Katniss and Vlad (and Peeta)

[vladimir-stringer-deactivated20]

“You could have said no, am I right?” […] “You could have said fucking no! No matter if you’re the most qualified. There are other qualified people who don’t have so much to lose. There are other qualified people who don’t know anybody in this building and would be way safer here. There are other people who aren’t you. I hate you, Vlad. I fucking hate you for this” Never in his entire life had he seen Peeta as mad as he was. Vlad never would have imagined Peeta even had as much anger in him as he was displaying, and never in a thousand years would he ever have guessed Peeta would be so mad at him. Snow or the Capitol or maybe even his mom, sure. Peeta got frustrated with Vlad, but never angry. Vlad could feel the anger in his every word, and he couldn’t lie to himself, it hurt. It hurt a lot. “I didn’t want to say no.” Vlad said softly. “I’ve fought for nearly a decade to help this cause. If I’d said no… It would’ve just made everything I’ve fought for a big waste of time.” He shrugged lightly. It was so hard to explain to Peeta. Peeta always thought that the Rebellion was a stupid waste of time, Vlad knew that. From the moment he mentioned it, Peeta had been against it. Even if he tried to explain, Peeta was only going to be mad. Vlad just needed to give him the space to be as angry as he needed to be, until he could calm down and have a rational discussion with him. It was hard to not become defensive when Peeta was so angry though. Vlad wasn’t ever very passive, especially when he was being yelled at. He didn’t like the way Peeta was yelling at him. “Oh, you know a lot about it, huh?” Vlad muttered sarcastically. Peeta spoke like he knew all the dynamics of the Rebellion, but he knew absolutely nothing. Every single one of them had something to lose. Peeta telling Vlad how much he hated him hit him hard in the chest. It hurt more than anything anyone could ever do to him physically. “Well,” He whispered, almost breathless from the blow of Peeta’s irrational hatred, “I hope you’ll feel differently when this is all over.” "God, stop telling yourself that. —-.” […] “Oh, shut up, Vlad.” […] “Don’t try and tell me something about surviving. —-” […] “I don’t know if I’m living, but I know that you’re living. —-.” Peeta was right, that was what made it hurt so much more. Though Vlad wondered what Katniss thought of Peeta saying that he only cared about Vlad, he ignored that part. Maybe he meant the only person on the outside, or maybe his affection and love for Katniss was just an unspoken rule. Still, hearing that Peeta apparently cared about him while still continuing to hate him made him feel strangely more at ease. “It’ll be okay, Peeta. When have I ever let you down? I know they’ve hurt you… Don’t you think you’re part of the reason why I’m fighting?” He asked, frowning in confusion as he looked up at Peeta. He was, apart from his family, the biggest reason why Vlad was fighting. He wanted Peeta to be free, to not always be looking over his shoulder, to not be living in the spotlight. He wanted his friend back, and not just as a Star Crossed Lover. “Fuck, Peeta. You freaking idiot. If you stopped being so scared for a fucking second you’d understand why I’m here.” He raked his hand through his hair with frustration. He could never, ever get through to his friend about the Rebellion, and the knot of anxiety in his chest was just getting tighter. He just wanted to shove it through Peeta’s thick head. He was doing the right thing. Mentioning Lily, though, had Vlad seeing red. He stood up, slamming his feet on the floor as he did so, and walked right up to Peeta, aware that he was trying to make himself look taller when he got up close. It definitely didn’t work when he was up close. “What I want,” He spoke slowly, softly, his eyes burning as he looked down at his friend. “…Is for Lily to grow up free with a dad who fought for that. If I die, she’ll know I wasn’t a fucking coward. Like you’re being.” Vlad kept his eyes on Peeta as he spoke, hoping to finally get through to him. Peeta wasn’t a coward on his own, but asking Vlad to say no to missions and to just stay at home was asking Vlad to be a coward and he knew it. “Oh boo hoo, Peeta. Your life is worse than mine. Yeah, it is. It is it is it is. When are you going to get over that and see that everyone’s life is shit under this fucking…” He stopped himself speaking. If the room was bugged, he couldn’t talk about Snow and the government and the corruption. “No life is good. Let me fix it.” “You seem very fucking calm to me” […] “I’m mad at both of you” […] “I’m really fucking mad. How do you think we can help him, Katniss? We’re being fucking monitored 24 hours every single day. I’m pretty sure if we start hanging around a particular Avox it won’t go unnoticed. And you’re fucking bad at plans and lying and acting as if nothing’s up. If it’s not Vlad getting himself killed, it would be us trying to help him. I thought you understood as much by now.” Vlad hated the way that Peeta was treating Katniss. He almost wished he could film him, to show him later, so that Peeta would realise how awful he was being. If he was in the right frame of mind, Peeta would’ve never been so mean to Katniss. Not in a million years. “You know why I’m fighting? Because you’re an asshole, and you wouldn’t have been if it weren’t for this shit.” He pointed out, raising his eyebrows like he was daring Peeta to disagree. Even if Peeta hadn’t ever been reaped, Vlad would’ve still been in the Resistance, but Peeta would’ve still been that kind, sweet boy he’d always been. He hated that the Capitol corrupted that in Peeta. “We’re not gunna hang out!” Vlad nearly shouted, before laughing. It was a frustrated laugh, almost hysterical. Peeta was acting so stupid that it was making him angry which, somehow, made him laugh. “I was going to avoid you guys, and after today, I will. I just forgot. There’s been a lot on my mind…” He raked his hands through his hair and sighed heavily. He hated fighting with Peeta, but it seemed like he really needed to be yelled at in order to listen.

[katnissfleur]

Katniss wanted to remove herself, flee from that room like the scared little bird that she was. Not a mockingjay. Cowardly. It was a rare thing for Peeta to raise his voice; perhaps yes when he grew tired of her difficult ways, when they fought, when he was afraid — but seeing him like this, hurt and anger lingering in his eyes, coming together like a stew of grief and so foreign to Katniss that it scared her. Sometimes she had to remind herself that she was alive, at least in the physical sense. She found herself believing that she was still in the arena, shivering and falling into a mess of sobs at the dinner table or in bed at night. She had scared their tributes senseless with the aftermath of the Games when Peeta had always hidden it so well. Even in these few weeks, Katniss had seen the Capitol take its toll on them, with their tired eyes and their fluttering heartbeats. Despite all, Katniss did not want that for Vlad. He had a family - Sati, Lily and another baby on the way. Was it bravery or stupidity that had allowed for him to leave them? She knew he didn’t want Lily or their coming child to face what she and Peeta had faced. But Katniss Everdeen was incapable to see a brighter future. She saw a grieving Peeta and a dead mockingjay, or perhaps the other way around. She saw District 12 in pieces because of she what she had done in the arena. She saw Lily Stringer’s name on a piece of paper, and she heard the boom of a cannon.

“You seem very fucking calm to me” […] “I’m mad at both of you” […] “I’m really fucking mad. How do you think we can help him, Katniss? We’re being fucking monitored 24 hours every single day. I’m pretty sure if we start hanging around a particular Avox it won’t go unnoticed. And you’re fucking bad at plans and lying and acting as if nothing’s up. If it’s not Vlad getting himself killed, it would be us trying to help him. I thought you understood as much by now.”

"I’m not calm, Peeta. You know I’m not.” She looked to him, quickly growing irritated with the irrational anger pointed towards her. She knew that he was just taking it out on her the same way she had done to him time and time again over the last few years, and if this was what it felt like for him day, after day, after day - then Katniss felt truly guilty for the ways in which she had treated him. But how he looked and spoke to her now, this was what she had deserved all along, not that sweet Peeta who guided her from her nightmares and wrapped himself around her like a safety blanket. But selfish Katniss wanted that Peeta, because she was afraid, freaking out internally as she always does. “I don’t know how we help him I just know that we do. He’s your friend. We have to try!” She hissed to Peeta, her eyes taking on that hard look, the dull grey quickly turning to ice within moments. She shook her head, pacing the room, trying to ignore the way Peeta looked at her, the way he directed his fears toward her like it was her fault that Vlad stood in her bedroom wearing an Avox uniform. But Katniss knew fear all too well, she knew the ins and she knew the outs and she knew what it was doing to Peeta. Soon he would be calm, and tonight he would rest his head on her chest and stare at the ceiling, maybe he’d cry and she’d pretend not to notice. But for now, Peeta was mad, and that made Katniss mad. “We will find a way to help him because he will not end up like us!”

Seeing Vlad square up to Peeta like that set something off in Katniss, the rage in his eyes, rage she knew herself. Rage like that made people do stupid things, and she knew that Peeta was strong but so was Vlad, and he was tall where Peeta was small. She grabbed Vlad by the back of his shirt and her fist found his cheek, pushing him away from Peeta. She stood between them, anger blinding her as it so often did. “I’m sorry,” She began, knowing she hadn’t hit him hard enough to leave a mark. Not that Avox’s were ever markless. “But you’ve had that coming for a long time, and you know it. Now both of you just shut up.” She looked between the two boys, their angry eyes, the fear, the exhaustion behind them, and shook her head. “Just shut up. I know you’re mad and I know you’re mad that he’s mad but this yelling at each other will get you nowhere. And one of you were about to hit the other anyway so…” She could see it about to happen, both of them staring each other off with their fists clenched. She knew Peeta well enough to know that he would never forgive himself for hitting Vlad - especially not when he needed them. And she knew for a fact that Vlad adored every bone in Peeta’s body. At least Katniss was a lousy person in general, lousy enough to punch Peeta’s best friend just to get them both to wake up. Calming herself as best she could, she pushed her dark locks from her face and closed her eyes, inhaling, exhaling. “We need to figure this out.” Somewhere she registered that Peeta had said that Vlad was the only one he cared about, but she ignored it, she’d often made it seem like all she cared for in the world was Prim. Vlad was more than a friend to Peeta, he was a brother. One that he had never had before, one that actually cared. 

[starcrossed-peeta]

“It’ll be okay, Peeta. When have I ever let you down? I know they’ve hurt you… Don’t you think you’re part of the reason why I’m fighting? [...] Oh boo hoo, Peeta. Your life is worse than mine. Yeah, it is. It is it is it is. When are you going to get over that and see that everyone’s life is shit under this fucking… No life is good. Let me fix it.” -- “You know why I’m fighting? Because you’re an asshole, and you wouldn’t have been if it weren’t for this shit." [...] "I’m not calm, Peeta. You know I’m not. I don’t know how we help him I just know that we do. He’s your friend. We have to try! We will find a way to help him because he will not end up like us!”

"Oh, don't make this about things this isn't actually about", Peeta spit out, finding himself more annoyed with Vlad by the second. The worst thing was that he wasn't even sure what he was so annoyed about - sure, this whole situation was bullshit, but he shouldn't be so upset about things Vlad said right now, things that were kind of true. To a certain point. "This is not about you letting me down, this is about you getting yourself killed. This is not about me thinking my life is awful, but about you taking your own shot at a good life. Even if this, your group of people, does reach their goals? You will have paid more than you should, Vlad, and you will be destroyed to a point where this new life won't make up for all that you've gone through. And I don't want to see a happy, free world if you can't appreciate it as much as you should." Straightening his shoulders, Peeta's lips pursed slightly after he sucked in a deep breath. Vlad had never called him an asshole before - at least not in a tone that so clearly showed he meant what he was saying. For just a second it hit him so hard that he thought he might be thrown back into his true self, but instead it just pushed a button inside of his head that made everything look red. "Oh well, excuse me for being an asshole then. You always did a good job at showing me how to be one, maybe it's just coming out now", he pressed through gritted teeth, again waving Katniss' words off with a quick gesture of his hands just seconds later. "Like I said, you're awful at plans. I guess there is no way to help him. Let him do what he wants, it doesn't seem like he even wants to consider my opinion at all. I'm not surprised. I never was."

“I’m sorry. But you’ve had that coming for a long time, and you know it. Now both of you just shut up. Just shut up. I know you’re mad and I know you’re mad that he’s mad but this yelling at each other will get you nowhere. And one of you were about to hit the other anyway so… We need to figure this out.”

Peeta didn't see it coming. When he stared up at Vlad's face, his hands clenched into fists at his sides, all he felt and noticed was the raging anger inside of him. He couldn't remember ever being this angry -- he probably hadn't been. Calm and collected Peeta had never felt like this, he was pretty sure about it. But this new Peeta? Well, this new Peeta found a new side of rage inside of him he was sure the Capitol had planted inside of him. But before he could even say anything more he didn't actually mean to say, he was pushed back and he saw a fist meeting Vlad's face he hadn't expected. Katniss had been so passive ever since he entered the room that now he was so surprised he lost his voice for a good couple of minutes. "What--", he started but was lost for more words. But then he looked at Katniss, shocked and probably also a little bewildered. "You just hit him. You fucking hit him." It was obvious. Of course it was. But Peeta still didn't know what else to say, baffled. Only then did he realize that maybe she had been right to pull him out of his frenzy. There had already been said way too much, Peeta had shown a side of him he didn't want to own and definitely didn't want anybody to see. Especially not Vlad, not his best friend, and not Katniss, the love of his life. This was bullshit, and he knew he had to thank the Capitol for it -- but in the end he had said all this, not the Capitol. "You better never ever do this again. Nobody hits my best friend just like that, alright?", he asked her, shooting her an angry glare. Then his shoulders slumped down though and he uncomfortably folded his arms in front of his chest. "I'm sorry. I was an asshole. I didn't mean to be, I just... this is not okay. And I don't really want to deal with any of this. I don't want to figure this out. I just want to send you back home and to safety", he mumbled quietly, awkwardly looking up at Vlad. Because after all that was indeed what he wanted. For his best friend to be safe, and not laid out like fresh meat in front of Snow.

[vladimir-stringer-deactivated20]

Servitude || Katniss and Vlad (and Peeta)

[vladimir-stringer-deactivated20]

“I can’t breathe” […] “Why would you do such bullshit, Vlad? You have it all. Sati and Lily and… and everything.” Vlad could barely stand to look at Peeta. His face was pale and he was positively gasping for air. Vlad always knew that, in this situation, Peeta would absolutely freak. He just hadn’t realised what length he would go to. On the one hand, he was glad that Katniss was there. She would surely know how to calm Peeta down. On the other hand, Vlad didn’t fail to notice the way that Peeta roughly shoved her hand away from him, which just made him frown. Peeta and Katniss had lived the nightmare that he was only just beginning to face, and they’d been living it for a lot longer than he ever would. He just hadn’t understood until he’d been put there how devastating it was. Peeta was right to be on edge. “Here, just sit down…” Vlad muttered, taking Peeta’s shoulders and forcing him to sit on the bed. He didn’t care if Peeta pushed him away, but he didn’t like seeing him do that to Katniss. It really showed just how on-edge he really was. He sat down next to his friend and considered thw question. “I’m not here by choice, Peeta.” He whispered, continuing to keep his voice low, even though he’d de-bugged the room. “It’s because I’m… The most qualified for the job. With my mom. I can’t talk much about it.” His voice was barely more than a breath, but he hoped Peeta understood. He couldn’t go into detail about the mission he was on, but he was trying to explain to Peeta as simply as he could. He didn’t sign up for his mission. He was there by necessity. Peeta, of all people, should have understood that. Living in the spotlight was clearly taking it’s toll. He never would’ve pushed Katniss the way he did if they were living happily together in D12, and deep down, Peeta knew that. "They’re going to catch you. I know it. They’re going to catch you, and they’re going to kill you. And what then? What about your family then? And what about… and what about me?" […] "I wouldn’t survive without you, Vlad. No matter what you guys plan there to destroy all this, if you die in the process… that’s not okay. So don’t tell me this is okay" When it came to the Rebellion, Peeta was always going to go to the worst case scenario. Vlad knew that, but it still stung to hear the words spoken so clearly. He dropped his eyes and just starred at his hands for a moment. He was finding it hard enough to convince himself that he wouldn’t be caught, but now he had to convince Peeta too. “They won’t, they won’t…” He just continued to mutter over and over, trying to derail the conversation and get Peeta to just stop talking about it. Truthfully, he’d rather be dead than be a real Avox, but he didn’t want Peeta to hear that. Maybe Katniss understood, but he didn’t think Peeta would. He felt hot tears sting his eyes and clenched his jaw shut. Peeta was yelling at him like a parent might yell at a little kid, but Vlad felt like he might deserve it. “What’s surviving, Peeta?” He asked, looking up for a moment, his voice wavering with emotion. “Are you living? Is my family living? My daughter grows older every day and they’re going to find us and know we’re not Capitol people…” He trailed off for a moment, trying really hard not to cry, or yell, or scream like he wanted to. “Are you willing to see it, Peeta? Are you going to train Lily when she gets reaped? Because I won’t see that, I won’t…” A choked sob left his chest before he was able to stop it. He rubbed the heels of his hands against his eye sockets and pressed his elbows to his knees until he saw lights dancing in front of his eyelids. "I don’t get how you’re so fucking calm. This is my best friend. Why would anybody of you two thing running straight into the lion’s teeth is okay?" "Peeta, stop it." Vlad hissed, though he refused to look up from his colourful display. He was on edge, all he wanted to do was sob on the floor, but he refused to. He needed to go back out to the other Avoxes soon, and it would be really suspicious if it looked like he’d been crying. "This isn’t her fault, stop getting mad at her." He understood that Peeta was totally stressed out by the situation, but he hoped that Vlad calling him out on it would make him realise that he was just being a dick to the woman he loved. After all, it wasn’t often that Vlad stuck up for Katniss.

[katnissfleur]

“Here, just sit down…” […] “I’m not here by choice, Peeta.” […] “It’s because I’m… The most qualified for the job. With my mom. I can’t talk much about it.” […] “They’re going to catch you. I know it. They’re going to catch you, and they’re going to kill you. And what then? What about your family then? And what about… and what about me?” […] “I wouldn’t survive without you, Vlad. No matter what you guys plan there to destroy all this, if you die in the process… that’s not okay. So don’t tell me this is okay”

His push stung, as did the words directed at her. That this is not okay. The idea of Vlad dying affected her, an idea that Peeta would no longer have a best friend to go to, no one to talk to when Katniss was being her usual, unreasonable self. Even after everything, the loss of Vlad would leave a gap even in Katniss’ life. Who else would tease her relentlessly? Somehow she knew that Peeta was right. Snow had an evilness as pure as the white of his beard. He knew everything, saw everything - and if he knew what Vlad meant to Peeta, then he would have no hope. Vlad was expendable. The girl on fire and the boy with the bread, though? No. They were valued prisoners and Snow didn’t want to run around creating martyrs. He only wanted to break them. Seeing Peeta this way made Katniss want to curl up, close her eyes and pretend like none of this was happening. There was no way to comfort him, she didn’t possess the gentle hands he did, she couldn’t wrap him up and hold him until he calmed down like he had done a million times with her. There were a million and one ways in which Peeta was a better person than her, but now even now could she bring herself to help him. “I never said that this was okay, Peeta.” She said quietly, wishing for once that she could have a voice soft like honey, rather than hard like steel.

“They won’t, they won’t…” […] “What’s surviving, Peeta?” […] “Are you living? Is my family living? My daughter grows older every day and they’re going to find us and know we’re not Capitol people…” […] “Are you willing to see it, Peeta? Are you going to train Lily when she gets reaped? Because I won’t see that, I won’t…”

She stood away from him, paranoid, upset, angry. She felt that way most of the time but now she was on edge. Every word leaving Vlad’s lips struck a chord within Katniss, reminded her of Lily, the sweet little girl who’d held so tightly onto her finger. True, they had survived this long, but they were nothing. They were cows awaiting slaughter, they were prisoners and they were still playing games. All her life she’d managed to keep to herself, she’d never drawn any attention to herself and yet with one simple gesture, Katniss had plunged herself into the spotlight and left everyone she cared for in danger. No one could live like this, she knew that. She knew something had to be done, and she knew they had to fight back. Truly, Katniss admired Vlad’s bravery but she resented it all the same, wishing never to see Peeta look so very distraught.

"I don’t get how you’re so fucking calm. This is my best friend. Why would anybody of you two thing running straight into the lion’s teeth is okay?" […] "Peeta, stop it." […] "This isn’t her fault, stop getting mad at her."

Katniss had such an incredibly impassive face, one that didn’t like to show very much emotion. A bitch face, as Vlad had once described it. She could see why Peeta thought that she was calm when she was anything but. With her heart pounding so fast she could almost feel the blood rushing through her veins, breathing was difficult, not screaming, hitting something. She was a restrained person, she’d learned to be. Except when she lost her temper. She clenched and unclenched her fists, opening her mouth when suddenly Vlad was speaking for her, standing up in her defence. Such a foreign thing to hear, then again he didn’t seem to be the Vlad she knew at all. But Peeta deserved to get mad. She had taken so much out on him, ignored him for months on end. Even now she tended to give him the cold shoulder, not speaking or looking at him for days all because she was childish, because she couldn’t deal with this life as well as he could. She shook her head. “I’m not calm — I freaked out just as much as you did when I first saw him. But he needs our help Peeta. What are his chances of surviving if we’re in here having panic attacks?” She swallowed, glancing over at Vlad. “I know he’s your best friend… we need to help him through this.”

[starcrossed-peeta]

“Here, just sit down…” - “I’m not here by choice, Peeta. It's because I’m… The most qualified for the job. With my mom. I can’t talk much about it.”

Peeta groaned quietly as Vlad pushed him around as if a little child that needed calming down. If his head was clearer he probably would admit that he did need some calming down, but right in that moment, he wouldn't see it. He was just upset, angry, out of his mind, and whatever else could apply to his distraught current state. Dropping down onto the bed, he buried his face in his hands, shaking his head. This was not okay. Nothing of this was okay. "You could have said no, am I right?", he asked, lifting his head to glare at Vlad. His voice was still quiet now that he was more conscious of the danger Vlad was in, but it was still trembling with anger and fear. There was no way for him to save Vlad. He always thought he could save his best friend one way or another, but that had all been an illusion. Peeta was powerless. He was powerless, and for the rest of his life he would have to watch the people most important to him get hurt because of him. Oh, he should have died in that stupid arena. "You could have said fucking no! No matter if you're the most qualified. There are other qualified people who don't have so much to lose. There are other qualified people who don't know anybody in this building and would be way safer here. There are other people who aren't you. I hate you, Vlad. I fucking hate you for this", he hissed underneath his breath, fingers digging into the mattress underneath him. Peeta would never understand why Vlad had to throw himself into the dangerous situations. Even if he survived this, he would probably never be okay again. And that wasn't okay for Peeta.

“They won’t, they won’t… What’s surviving, Peeta? Are you living? Is my family living? My daughter grows older every day and they’re going to find us and know we’re not Capitol people… Are you willing to see it, Peeta? Are you going to train Lily when she gets reaped? Because I won’t see that, I won’t…”

"God, stop telling yourself that. They will. Do you have any idea what Snow's capable of? You're the only person in my life I care about, Vlad. And if he finds that out, and if he finds out you're right here, served on a silver plate underneath his nose, he's going to destroy you very slowly, and very painfully, to get what he wants from me and make me suffer. To make me even more of his puppy." Shaking his head, Peeta jumped back up from the bed, starting to pace the room. His every muscle was twitching with the need to destroy something. Shoving Katniss' hand away had released none of his anger, and he didn't get why she was standing there lacking any sort of emotion. Right now he hated her too. He hated her for being so unable to deal with his emotions in this moment. "Oh, shut up, Vlad." Peeta folded his arms in front of his chest, straightening his back to appear as tall as possible in front of Vlad, even if he was still way smaller than him. It didn't matter. In that moment he felt taller than his best friend, built and growing from anger. "Don't try and tell me something about surviving. I'm not having any of your bullshit. I know you don't want this life for Lily, and I sure as hell don't want it for her either. But that doesn't mean you have to be the one risking your life here, and possibly letting her grow up with no father. I don't want that for her either. Do you?", he asked, his voice dropping with sarcasm. Of course Vlad didn't want Lily to be without a father, he didn't want her to be reaped, he wanted her to have a good life. Peeta got that. He just didn't get why it had to be Vlad to do the dangerous stuff if he said the rebellion was so big. There had to be more people in there for the dangerous stuff. "I don't know if I'm living, but I know that you're living. You're maybe not living the best life there is, but you're living the best life you can have these days, Vlad. At least from my point of view. But it seems you're very eager to destroy that." 

"Peeta, stop it. This isn’t her fault, stop getting mad at her." - “I never said that this was okay, Peeta. I’m not calm — I freaked out just as much as you did when I first saw him. But he needs our help Peeta. What are his chances of surviving if we’re in here having panic attacks? I know he’s your best friend… we need to help him through this.”

It was somewhat ridiculous, that Katniss and Vlad bonded to make him calm down, and it was even more ridiculous that it wasn't working. The anger was choking Peeta, making his blood boil. He had never felt like this before. So angry. So devastated. Vlad could say whatever he wanted, Peeta didn't like any of this. And he didn't approve of it, either. "You seem very fucking calm to me", he accused Katniss, although a tiny voice in his head yelled that it wasn't true. He knew her well enough to know she wasn't truly calm, but right now he couldn't think about that. "I'm mad at both of you", he pointed out. "I'm really fucking mad. How do you think we can help him, Katniss? We're being fucking monitored 24 hours every single day. I'm pretty sure if we start hanging around a particular Avox it won't go unnoticed. And you're fucking bad at plans and lying and acting as if nothing's up. If it's not Vlad getting himself killed, it would be us trying to help him. I thought you understood as much by now."

[vladimir-stringer-deactivated20]

Servitude || Katniss and Vlad (and Peeta)

[vladimir-stringer-deactivated20]

Vlad felt like, for the first time in his life, Katniss didn’t hate him. He felt like they had an affinity over something other than their shared fondness for Peeta. Though the affinity they shared, he wished they didn’t. Everything that he’d been through in his life had been nothing to prepare him for the true Capitol. He’d lived there for years, but he’d been living in the shadows. Beneath the bright Training Centre lights, there was no where to hide. Even in her de-bugged room, he still felt trapped. Like an animal caught in the spotlight, he didn’t know where to run. Peeta walking in just felt like a stab through the heart. He thought he’d have time to at least try to escape the Twelfth floor before Peeta could see him at all. Then Katniss could talk to him and make him realise that it wasn’t real. Vlad knew that Peeta still wouldn’t be happy with the situation, but at least he would know that Vlad wasn’t actually a real slave for the Captiol. Stupidly, he completely lost his voice when he saw his best friend in the doorway. He couldn’t even shout and prove that he wasn’t an Avox after all. Instead, he just stood still, completely frozen, and watched his friend’s face fall. “Shit, Vlad. This is why I told you not to do that whole rebellion shit. This is why-“ […] “You’re such a fucking idiot” Vlad really wanted to Peeta to just please be quiet. Even saying the word ‘Rebellion' freaked Vlad out so much that he felt like his lungs were made of ice. He was terrified of being caught. He took a step forward, attempting to somehow tell Peeta to be quiet with his actions, but it was no use. “Peet-” Vlad managed to stutter, before he was slammed backward by the force of Peeta's hands on his chest. Peeta looked small, but Vlad knew that he was a lot stronger than he looked. He stumbled backward a couple of steps before finally finding his voice. “I'm not!” He near shouted, though quickly caught himself. Two men shouting in Katniss's room was not going to go down well if caught, especially if one of them was supposed to be an Avox. The frustration and anxiety in Vlad's chest felt like it was physically hurting him, and he rested his hands on his head in an attempt to open his chest and somehow relieve the pressure. It wasn't working. He was still caught in that spotlight. “I was trying to get Katniss to tell you before you saw me, Peeta. I'm not an Avox. It's alright.” He whispered, his eyes shut tight as he imagined how easily the bugs could hear his every word. He hoped he got to enough of them. He really felt like he was on the verge of passing out from the stress of everything, and knowing Peeta was stressed made it even worse.

[katnissfleur]

“Shit” […] “Shit, Vlad.This is why I told you not to do that whole rebellion shit. This is why-“ […] “You’re such a fucking idiot”

Peeta’s voice cut through the thick silence, the sad sense of despair Vlad and Katniss had been sharing. Foolishly Katniss had believed that Peeta could be kept in the dark long enough for her to explain things to him, but as with so much of the important information she had kept from him in the past, he seemed to stumble onto it all by himself. She turned to face him, pushing past him to shut the door as gently as she could in her haste. She watched as he stepped toward Vlad, his face the picture of despondency. She anguished to see him that way, so torn apart even though she did know the truth, that Vlad was not an Avox — but he was nowhere near fine, and she suspected he never would be. None of them would. She reached for Peeta’s arm, her fingers brushing his shirt sleeve as he moved forward. “Peeta wait—” She watched as he pushed Vlad, lost for what she could say, she just edged closer to him, placing a gentle hand on his back as though it could steady him like he had done for her in so many miserable moments before. But that face lingered in her eyes, his eyes dejected, his body almost slack. She knew that telling him that it wasn’t real wouldn’t make this any better, she knew this feeling would never leave him.

“Peet-” […] “I’m not!” […] “I was trying to get Katniss to tell you before you saw me, Peeta. I’m not an Avox. It’s alright.” 

Paranoia settled in her stomach as Vlad began to speak, sure that despite debugging her room there was still plenty more recording devices hidden within these walls. She was Katniss Everdeen, she was the girl on fire. They would not allow her the privacy, not when she was so very dangerous indeed. Stepping back, Katniss poked a head outside her bedroom door, glancing down the empty hallway, Effie’s voice singing glossily from the dining room. No one would hear them over the sharp shrills of that woman’s voice, and relieved, Katniss shut the door again before returning to the two boys as Vlad’s voice stumbled its way out of his mouth, just as scared as the boy looked. She still found it unsettling to see him this way, so lost. Vladimir Stringer did not get lost, but neither had Katniss Everdeen, not until she came to this nightmarish place.

She placed her hands on either of Peeta’s shoulders, pulling him gently back in case he tried to hurt Vlad like she had wanted to in the beginning. God knows if Gale had showed up in a similar state she would have punched him square in the face. She rubbed his arm gently, frowning over at Vlad. She knew this would not bode well with Peeta, with her hands on him she could feel his body slumping with the misery, no one wanted to see their closest friend trapped in a place like this. Even before letting him in Katniss used to wish that Haymitch would join her as mentor instead of him, not because of the void between them but because she didn’t want his mind to decay any worse than it had in the arena. Who would want their friend to join them in this prison? Who would wish this upon anyone? “He’s on a mission,” she gently said, as gently as someone like her could speak. “I know that doesn’t make it any better but try not to freak out and hear him out.”

[starcrossed-peeta]

Peeta felt like he couldn't breathe. He couldn't think straight either. From one moment to the next, his whole happy world had been destroyed. Sure, it wasn't the happiest world there was, but it had been the happiest world possibly existing for him. And now? Vlad had gone from a happy family father, admittedly with an awful affinity to take the Capitol down, to an Avox. No, Peeta really couldn't breathe. He wanted so desperately to reach his hands out to steady himself on the wall, but instead he ran his hands through his hair, fingers digging into his scalp. 

“Peet-” […] “I’m not!” […] “I was trying to get Katniss to tell you before you saw me, Peeta. I’m not an Avox. It’s alright.” - “He’s on a mission. I know that doesn’t make it any better but try not to freak out and hear him out.”

It didn't even get better when Vlad did start talking. When Katniss started talking, when she started to touch him. None of this was okay, and maybe all of this was even worse when Vlad was no real Avox. It meant he could still be caught, and Peeta was pretty sure than becoming an Avox for pretending to be an Avox wasn't the worst idea Snow could have. The man was crazy, and Vlad probably wouldn't survive being caught. Yes, now that he thought about it, this being a mission was even worse. "I can't breathe", he whispered as even the big gulps of air he sucked into his lungs weren't enough air for his head. Maybe a little too roughly, he shoved Katniss' hand away, not wanting to be touched in that moment. His eyes focused on Vlad's face, so sad, if not terrified. Why did he do that to himself? Peeta didn't get it.

"Why?", Peeta breathed, realizing that his first outburst might have been the sign to Vlad's death contract. Hopefully, it wasn't - Vlad wouldn't be in here with Katniss without checking the room first, but you never knew. "Why would you do such bullshit, Vlad? You have it all. Sati and Lily and... and everything." Peeta shook his head, still not believing any of this. It was the stupidest shit ever, if you wanted to say it straight. "They're going to catch you. I know it. They're going to catch you, and they're going to kill you. And what then? What about your family then? And what about... and what about me?", his voice diminished into an early inaudible whisper. "I wouldn't survive without you, Vlad. No matter what you guys plan there to destroy all this, if you die in the process... that's not okay. So don't tell me this is okay", he directed his last sentence at Katniss, shooting her an angry glare. "I don't get how you're so fucking calm. This is my best friend. Why would anybody of you two thing running straight into the lion's teeth is okay?"

[vladimir-stringer-deactivated20]

Servitude || Katniss and Vlad (and Peeta)

[katnissfleur]

“Sorry.” […]“I’m just, I’m… Struggling.”

Katniss could see Vlad struggling, there was no need to speak the words aloud. The rings beneath his eyes were unmistakeable and not even the glamour of the Capitol could hide the torture that seemed to loom over him, a shadow. From the way that he carried himself to the strain in his voice. There was hell behind those eyes and Katniss knew that look all too well — she’d seen it in herself, in Peeta, Haymitch. They were all in hell. He would want to scream, shout, kill something, hurt something. For once they were in the same boat, the pair of them. They had never agreed on anything before save a mutual love for Peeta, but Katniss understood Vlad now than she ever once had before. She allowed the silence to breathe before she spoke again, her own grey eyes finding his and seeing the entire world closing in around him. The Capitol did that to people — it flushed them out, ran them down and kicked them away once they’d had their fun. They would never stop having fun with Katniss and Peeta, even long after they were dead, they would still be a part of these Games. The Star-Crossed Lovers. She despised the name. “I know,” She said quietly, shutting her eyes. She knew struggle, she knew it like an old friend. “This place gets in your head. And now matter how hard you push it away, it always finds a way in.”

“You’re used to this, aren’t you?”

She glared down at the city, knowing she shouldn’t hate them for being such stupid fools but she did anyway. She hated their children who would grow up to be just like them, she hated Ceasar Flickerman and his different coloured hairs, she hated Seneca Crane and the poison on his lips. Most of all she hated President Snow and his eagerness to destroy any of the light in her life. She hated the Captiol, everyday her hatred grew and everyday she silently prayed that this rebellion would succeed. She did not dare raise her hopes, but if they overthrew the Captiol, she and Peeta would be free, they would not live their lives looking over their shoulders. Prim, Gale, Vlad, everyone would be safe from that stupid trick with the handful of berries she should have swallowed down. “They take something from all of us. It’s not always necessarily a limb, or a tongue. They take this,” she pressed a finger to her temple. “They’ll never give it back.” She swallowed, thinking of Peeta’s leg, the phantom pains and the flashbacks that struck him at any given time. She’d read about post traumatic stress disorder, and she knew it would not go away. Nothing could bring the part of herself that she’d lost back to her.

“Alright.” […]“Good mood, huh?” […] “There’s worse things than dead.” […] “Do you remember where I… Where I’m supposed to live? Do you think you could maybe check on Sati for me?” […] “She’s pregnant, I just want to know she’s okay.”

Katniss attempted not to panic — if she panicked, she was done. Anytime Katniss went into panic mode she immediately sought out Peeta to bring her back and as much as she wanted him to guide her through this situation, she knew she had to keep calm and get to him before he found out. Taking a deep breath she shook her head at his words, the smirk on his lips that just wasn’t all there. Even now, in this awful situation the guy was a little shit. “Yes a good mood.” She clipped, narrowing her eyes at him. She ran a hand through her hair, her thoughts in a pile on the top of her head, mismatched and muddled. She sifted through them until she focused on this one moment, this moment in which she would need to be the one to help Peeta through it. He was so often her protector in these mental attacks, vice versa in physical ones. She ordered herself to focus, following Vlad into a standing position and declining any thoughts about how badly this would affect Peeta. She couldn’t help but agree with his statement, there truly was worse things than dead. She nodded her head before thinking about it - she felt like she owed Vlad, and she had no idea why. Her mind was a mess right now anyway, and this was a mistake. “Of course. Yeah, no problem.”

[starcrossed-peeta]

One thing Peeta had to give the Capitol credit for? Their showers. They had brilliant showers, water with just the right temperature running down your back no matter what you did. Inhaling a deep breath, he leaned his head back and let the warm drops of water run through his hair and down his cheeks to his chest, enjoying the feeling of his muscles relaxing underneath the warm flow nearly as much as he liked the feeling of having Katniss with him underneath the shower. But he knew letting her in would be a bad idea, for he really needed a good shower at least once here - or soon Effie would start telling him he looked awful and should pay more intention to his hygiene. Which he was trying, but it was oddly difficult lately. Ever since Katniss let him in, to be precise.

However nice the shower was, Peeta tried not to stick underneath it for too long. He probably failed, even if he had no clock in his room. It still felt as if not minutes but hours had passed, and he tried his best to quickly dry himself, only that quickly was never as easy for him as it sounded. Back in his room he slipped the first clothes on he could find, pretty sure that not only Effie but also his stylists would tell him to get his eyes checked to see if he was color blind if he left the room in anything they didn't pick. But it wasn't as if Peeta cared. While still buttoning up his shirt, he made his way to the door and towards the dining area. It was surprising to not see Katniss there though. Maybe not all too surprising, but she had been in such a good mood this morning that Peeta thought she might even get through breakfast out here without freaking out. 

As soon as he was in sight, Effie bombarded him with words about Katniss' awful manners, what was wrong with her, and if he could go see if he could get her out of her room. Peeta just mumbled something along the lines "I'll see what I can do" and picked up an apple from the table as he passed it to make his way to Katniss' room. He knocked but didn't really wait for an answer - they didn't need that anymore these days. "Katniss, Effie is freaking out about your manners. What did you do again?", he asked with a shake of his head as he opened the door. Taking a bite of his apple, he raised his eyebrow as soon as his eyes located her in the room. Only seconds later did his brain process that she wasn't the only one in the room, but that there was also another person, an Avox, it seemed. And again only seconds later did his eyes process the familiar face staring back at him, and Peeta felt his heart freeze in his chest. He swallowed the bite of his apple whole as he recognized Vlad, choking on it for mere seconds before he managed to really swallow it. "Shit", was all he could breath, afraid his legs might give in underneath him any moment. "Shit, Vlad. This is why I told you not to do that whole rebellion shit. This is why-", he cut himself off as he remembered that people probably listened to him, so instead he just hit his flat palm full force against Vlad's chest, unwilling to believe what he saw here. His best friend. An Avox in the Capitol. It seemed as if things would never turn out alright for him. "You're such a fucking idiot", he whispered, his voice sick with sadness.

[innerwreck]

[starcrossed-peeta]

Unfold | Katniss & Peeta

[katnissfleur]

Katniss had honestly expected Lily to burst into tears the moment Peeta left the room, she obviously adored him and she couldn’t imagine the baby ever taking a liking to Katniss. Honestly, she liked kids, every little girl she came across seemed to remind her of Prim in one way or another but that didn’t mean that kids liked her. Especially not the non-Capitol kids who didn’t copy her braid hairstyle obsessively. But somehow, Lily managed to stay happy in Katniss’ arms, she still giggled and made Katniss realise why people called their kids ‘little bundles of joy’. There was no other way to describe Lily other than completely joyous. Katniss smiled a little, a gentleness passing over her face that rarely made an appearance. She was usually preoccupied with trying desperately to get herself and Peeta through the day alive, her features always scrunched up into that constant look of irritation and concentration. Counting down the days until they went home. She figured that once they got back to Haymitch and her family, she could go back to normal and pretend like this rebellion had never began. Fat chance. Gale and Madge would be gone. Vlad too. Nothing would go back to normal.

She sighed softly, smiled at Lily and held the baby close to her. She felt calmed holding onto something so effortlessly happy, oblivious to the terror unfolding in the world around her. She wished that she could be a baby sometimes, that someone would bundle her up in their arms and let her giggle or cry and just protect her from everything that was out to get her. Because honestly, she was exhausted. She ran a finger along Lily’s chubby cheek, chuckled as she raised her to arms up and down in the air, reefing Katniss’ finger with her movements. She’d much rather spend time with Lily than the people she was forced to talk to in the Training Centre, she was much nicer. Katniss actually found herself playing with Lily, tickling her stomach as she screamed in delight, an amused smirk on her full lips as she watched the baby squeal. She decided that this babysitting stuff wasn’t half bad, especially if Vlad wasn’t around looking over her shoulder and teasing her all the time. She let Lily sit up on her lap, holding onto her with two hands cupped behind the baby’s back. She seemed to stare at Katniss, waiting for her to do something so she just bounced her on her lap and watched in amazement as Lily simply lit up, excited. “I’m sorry we can’t give you a little friend, Lily…” She whispered quietly, too afraid to say it to Peeta. Lily, at least, would never remember this. “I’m just afraid.”

“I’m back” […] “Did you miss me?”

Katniss jumped slightly upon hearing Peeta’s voice, normally she would have sensed him coming in but she had clearly been too wrapped up in Lily and her little apology. Katniss wanted to glare at Peeta, tried to be mad at him for leaving her alone when she didn’t want to be, but he was smiling. And his smile was tinged with just a little bit of sadness she couldn’t quite put her finger on but didn’t want to think about either. So she let it go and rolled her eyes at him, settling back against him when he sat down. “Not really, no. We barely even noticed you were gone.” She replied, chuckling as Lily reached up and squeezed Peeta’s nose. Katniss tilted her head to kiss his nose, giving him a small smile before returning her attention to Lily. 

"D’you think they’ll ever come back to Twelve? Vlad and Sati and Lily? It’d be nice… seeing her grow up and stuff." She spoke hesitantly, making sure she didn’t sound too fond of the idea of being around babies. Honestly, she wanted Vlad back in Twelve for Peeta, she wanted his best friend right down the street for whenever he couldn’t handle her stroppy moods or when they had yet another fight. It happened more often than not, and making up was lovely. But Katniss was stubborn and could go days ignoring him at a time despite how much it killed her. It was bound to happen back in Twelve and Katniss tended to have first dibs on going to whine at Haymitch. She didn’t know why she was fooling herself though. Something told her that District 12 was a lot further away than she thought. Besides, with this Rebellion finally amping itself up, Vlad wouldn’t be coming home anytime soon. Not unless he was in a coffin. "She’ll miss you when we go home."

[starcrossed-peeta]

“Not really, no. We barely even noticed you were gone. D’you think they’ll ever come back to Twelve? Vlad and Sati and Lily? It’d be nice… seeing her grow up and stuff. She’ll miss you when we go home."

The hint of sadness sitting in Peeta's bones and eating him up in slow-motion from inside out was slowly fading as he moved back into the living room and towards Katniss. The happiness that had been lacking inside of him was vivid on her face, and he was surprised to see that. Even if he had seen her happy with him, he couldn't remember ever seeing her like this: peacefully happy. As if Lily took all the worries of the world away from her for the moment and reminded her of how it felt to be just happy with yourself. He doubted Katniss Everdeen had ever felt that before, and Peeta was more than happy that the simple and actually rather funny idea of making her babysit Vlad's kid could lead to such a positive moment. If anybody deserved this, it was the love of his life, and it washed away the sadness inside of him as well - probably not for long, but definitely long enough to dive into the warmth and happiness emitting her body and making him happy, for Peeta's happiness was bound to hers in more than just one way.

"How often have I told you that you're a horrible liar?", he asked with a smirk, dropping down onto the couch next to her. Lily's fingers at his nose made him grin, and he pretended to snap for her hand with his teeth. The reaction was another baby giggle that only added to the very new sense of satisfaction running through his veins. Trying to think of just how happy he'd be with his own kid was beyond him, and maybe it was god that Katniss didn't want kids. Being a father would probably make him so happy he couldn't possibly deal with it anymore. "You missed me a lot, didn't you, Lily? Yeah, I know. Katniss just doesn't want to admit how much", he whispered towards the little girl as he gently poked her stomach. Afterwards he turned around to her with an amused smile on his lips, leaning in to press a gentle kiss to her lips. "Come on, admit it. You missed me", Peeta teased her, kissing her again before he leaned back to not make the little girl feel too left out.

Looking at Lily, he realized that Vlad and Sati coming back to Twelve to them was something he'd need a lot. One of the reasons why he got better and less pessimistic lately wasn't primarily Katniss loving him, but finding his best friend again. Vlad's presence and support was what pushed Peeta back up into a standing position, and he was scared of crumbling into pieces again once the contact to his best friend was cut off again. He wasn't sure just how well he could handle that. Yet he had to be truthful, both with Katniss and with himself. So he shook his head, exhaling a quiet sigh. "Don't think so. Even if their... rebellion wins and everything, Twelve has a lot of bad memories. Sati isn't from Twelve either, and I don't think anything pulls them towards it. If they get the chance, I think they'd go anywhere but back." Which Peeta could understand. There wasn't much that held him in Twelve except Katniss, and if he got the chance, he'd definitely want to see other places too. Four, preferably, because he always wanted to know what the ocean looks like. But really anything that was new, nice and could feel like home. Yet Peeta didn't try to think too much about Vlad being too far away from him, neither did he want to think about losing contact to the one child in his life. He just smiled at Katniss, running his fingers over Lily's back as he did so. "She'll be fine, she probably won't even notice when she's busy growing up." But he'd notice, and he'd miss her, and that would probably make him sad. Not that he'd ever let Katniss see that - she had enough to worry about, and he didn't feel like sharing too many of his stupid worries with her. She didn't need more weights on her shoulders.