I'm a kawaii watermelon

Intersectional feminist. She/Her. 25. Kawaii Goth.

[missmentelle]

Can being a fan/avid follower of someone with mental health issues cause problems with your own.

I'm asking because I am a huge fan of this musician with pretty severe mental health issues (depression, anxiety, dark thoughts and so on) the longer I ve been following them the more i've noticed I feel anxious,sad and sometimes suicidal

Is it possible they have made me like this or have I probably always been like it and they have made me aware.

I don't think that being a fan of someone with mental health issues can cause you to have your own - rather, I think there are two things at play here.

For starters, I think people who have underlying issues with mental health are more likely to seek out public figures who struggle with the same thing and include a lot of those things in their work. It's possible that people who have these sorts of feelings only start being able to identify and express these feelings for themselves after seeking out media that helps them explore their own experiences. That's not to say that everyone who consumes "dark" or mental-health-themed media has underlying mental health issues - some people might just be really into the music - but I do think that for a lot of people, the personal connection they feel to the artist's experiences are a big part of the draw.

I also think that a person's "media diet" - basically, the media that you consume all day - has an impact on your mental health. "Dark" media can be wonderful, and I don't believe it can cause mental health issues to just appear out of nowhere - but I do think that when you are in a vulnerable place mentally, sometimes bombarding yourself with it can make your pre-existing issues worse. When our brains are in a place where they want to believe that the whole world is garbage, consuming a whole bunch of media that constantly says "the world is garbage" can make it more difficult to get out of that mindset.

Again, that's not to say that following people who make very dark kinds of art is bad, or that you shouldn't consume this kind of media - it can be great, and many people find it very meaningful to follow artists who understand what they're going through. But it can also be very valuable to think critically about how often you're consuming this kind of media, and when taking breaks is the healthiest option for your mental health.

Hope this helps! MM

[everythingfox]

Pet petting pet

(via)

[sleepy-bebby]

[muppethole-deactivated20240312]

[clockwork-hobbit]

It's a fantastic point, but John Boyega's net worth also puts him at $6 million. When he says eat the rich, he isn't safe either...

[neon-classical]

There’s a pretty big fucking difference between six million and one trillion lmao

Not to mention the way the money was made

An actor being paid for a role / doing some advertising is a world away form a man setting up a cooperate money machine that horrendously exploits workers

[beemovieerotica]

people really need to remember this image

[nb-nightwing-deactivated2022111]

LOST SEWING NEEDLE INCIDENT NOBODY MOVE

[nb-nightwing-deactivated2022111]

FOUND SEWING NEEDLE INCIDENT YOU ARE SAFE TO MOVE AROUND AGAIN

[lizzy-bennet]

OSCAR ISAAC Reads Thirst Tweets

[doctorguilty]

Not to sound like an old fart here but my philosophy about video games is like. A kid living out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere with no internet access for miles should be able to purchase a game from walmart, take that game home, put it in their console, and play the whole game with all of its features and the only thing lack of internet affects is the inability to play online with others. Nothing else. They shouldn’t be missing entire chunks of the game becuase they can’t download a patch. The game shouldn’t be borderline empty or unplayable without a patch.

[bogleech]

I guess it makes no difference if I reblog this now but our friend here said a normal, objectively correct thing about video games and somehow this post still blew up with some goofy as hell disagreements. Sorry but most video game studios these days are pushing out lazy products and it is not normal for a game you buy to need DLC or patching to work; the PSX and the N64 and the original Xbox all got by without that shit being routine.

[spaceconveyor]

[pillowprincesslexa]

Europe is currently being burned alive and people still think climate change is a joke. It’s warmer in North Europe than in the middle eastern deserts.

Nearly all northern countries broke their decades old heat records this week.

[frogs-smoking-cigarettes]

Its only in the low hundreds in farenheit??? In America we get that for like a month or two straight every year??? Y'all need to deal is it really normally so cold over there that yall can live with a little heat???

[pillowprincesslexa]

If you’re gonna have an ignorant American attitude then please only stay on American posts. No one in North Europe has an AC in their houses. Stores, animal shelters, elderly houses, no one has AC. the houses are designed to keep the heat in. The people are not accustomed to the heat. A sudden climate shift like this is extremely dangerous to older people and babies specifically.

There are programs being run to inform elderly people what to do to not die in this heat. There was a heatwave in the Netherlands in 2010 in which approximately 500 more elderly people passed away than normally.

[adhoption]

One thing people don’t often appreciate is that the southern US states are along the same latitude as the Middle Eastern deserts, rather than northern Europe. We’re not competing with Texas, we’re competing with northern Canada. If Saskatoon can’t handle Mexican weather, London can’t handle Middle-Eastern weather. It’s not built for it at all.

[toebeens]

very helpful and informative graphic

[missmentelle]

Hey, I was wondering it you have any advice/guidance/tips for how to figure out your emotional own needs? I've recently realised I was raised in a codepedent family and I'm kinda stuck with where to start figuring out how to take care of myself beyond the physical stuff like heathly eating and sleeping enough

Honestly, taking care of your own physical needs is a good start - many people in codependent situations struggle to make their physical needs a priority. If prioritizing your own need for food and sleep is something that you've struggled with in the past, working on that is a pretty healthy place to start.

As far as your emotional needs go, that's something you may need to figure out through some trial and error. Everyone's emotional needs are different - discovering what your needs are can be a bit of a process, especially when you were raised in a codependent situation where you were never encouraged to prioritize your own needs or develop your own identity outside of the family struggles.

But even though I can't tell you what your emotional needs are, I can certainly give you some suggestions for things that you can start thinking about, like:

Time to yourself. This is one of the most important emotional needs that most people have, and it's one of the hardest things to get in a codependent situation. Even very extroverted people need occasional down time by themselves to reflect, recharge, and just figure out who they are when they aren’t trying to meet the needs of other people. 

Creative expression. Everyone needs to express themselves. This can look different for different people - it could mean journaling, writing poetry or painting, or it could mean creating playlists of songs that are very meaningful to you. Figure out what helps you get your feelings out of your brain and into the world.

Dreams and goals. When you are codependent, you don’t typically have goals of your own - you have goals for your codependent relationships and the people you’re in them with, but your own goals and dreams are an afterthought. Figuring out what you want is a huge step in reclaiming yourself as an individual person - even if the only thing you can come up with right now is a list of what you don’t want, that’s a big step. 

Social needs. People need people. We all need people in our lives who make us feel loved and supported and give us a safe space to open up when we’re dealing with something difficult. The key is to form relationships that don’t have the same codependent tendencies as the old. Be intentional with your relationships - reflect on what codependency looks like for you, and seek relationships that don’t have those same patterns. 

Personal meaning and fulfillment. We all want to sit back at the end of our day or week and think “yes, I’m doing things that are worth doing”. For some people, this comes from their career. For others, it’s raising a family or pets. Some people find meaning in travel, or creative ventures, or time spent in nature. Codependency often means making your codependent relationships the centre of your world, but it’s time to look beyond those. Take some time to figure out what sorts of things give you personal satisfaction and make you feel like your time was well-spent - and then carve out space in your life for those things.

Best of luck to you! MM

[missmentelle]

Mental Health Reading List!

Read more mental health memoirs. 

We should all read more mental health memoirs. If you are struggling with mental illness, unsure if you have a mental illness, or simply want to learn more about what it’s like to have a mental illness, there’s no better way to do that than by delving into the mind and the story of someone who fought with the same demons - and won. 

Books can offer you support, comfort and guidance when you’re too scared to reach out to another person and admit that you’re not doing well. They can show you that you’re not alone, in ways that platitudes can’t.  If you’re looking for personal stories from people who fought the same battles as you and came out the other side, I highly recommend:

Depression:

Shoot the Damn Dog: A Memoir of Depression (Sally Brampton)

Willow Weep for Me: A Black Woman’s Journey Through Depression (Meri Nana-Ama Danquah) Prozac Nation (Elizabeth Wurtzel) 

Skin Game (Caroline Kettlewell) Darkness Visible (William Styron) Unholy Ghost (Anthology, edited by Nell Casey) Bipolar Disorder/Mood Swings/Mania: Blue Genes (Christopher Lukas) Electroboy (Andy Behrman)

Loud in the House of Myself (Stacy Pershall) Borderline Personality Disorder:

Girl, Interrupted (Susanna Kaysen)

Eating Disorders: Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia (Marya Hornbacher) Psychosis and Schizophrenia:

Hurry Down Sunshine (Michael Greenberg) The Quiet Room (Lori Schiller and Amanda Bennett)

Trauma and PTSD: 

Lucky (Alice Sebold)

Autism: Boy Alone: A Brother’s Memoir (Karl Taro Greenfeld)

The Reason I Jump (Naoki Higashida) Substance Abuse:

Drinking: A Love Story (Caroline Knapp)

A Piece of Cake (Cupcake Brown) Other:

An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness (Kay Redfield Jamison)

Just Checking: Scenes From the Life of an Obsessive-Compulsive (Emily Colas) Welcome to My Country (Lauren Slater) Musical Chairs (Jen Knox)

[missmentelle]

Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope that you are healing well. <3

Secondly, thank you for taking the time and energy to answer the questions you receive. I've never seen you half-ass an answer or a post on here, and I appreciate how much you put into this blog to educate anyone who comes across it, especially with accepting anonymous asks and your services being free.

Lastly, I hope to write TV shows in the future with diverse characters, especially in the realm of mental health. I currently want to focus on learning about all of the different classifications of disorders (personality vs. dissociative vs. learning vs. trauma, etc.). Do you have any books that you could recommend that introduce the types of disorders?

(I've only minored in psychology, and continued learning about mental health via learning about my own and my friends' disorders and watching videos about DID. I mention this so you know my starting point.)

Thank you for your time, and have a nice day!!

Thanks, I really appreciate the kind words!

I think it’s great to want to write about mental illness and include mentally ill characters in your fiction - good representation is incredibly important, and really shapes how our culture views and understands mental illness. I also write fiction and screenplays, and have often found myself incorporating the things I’ve learned over the years from working in this field.

If you want to write authentically about what it’s like to live with mental illness, I actually don’t recommend that you focus your time on learning about the categories and classifications of mental illnesses. I can tell you from my experiences working with mentally ill and neurodivergent people for nearly a decade now that the vast majority of people don’t fit neatly into categories. It’s pretty rare to find someone who ticks all the boxes of any particular mental illness - two people with the same diagnosis can have wildly different symptoms, and two people with very similar symptoms can have two very different diagnoses. Most people will have a smattering of symptoms from several different possible diagnoses, or symptoms that definitely impact their life, but only “sort of” match any possible diagnosis. When we diagnose people, we’re not really saying “this is for sure the exact thing that they have”, the way that medical doctors try to diagnose - we’re usually just saying “this is probably the best fit for their symptoms based on what we know right now”. Knowing someone’s diagnosis doesn’t ultimately tell you much about them. 

Understanding what it’s like to live with mental illness also means looking beyond a diagnosis and exploring how a person’s environment and social context interacts with their mental illness. The circumstances of your life determine your experience of mental illness, and in turn, having a mental illness will impact the circumstances of your life. People are not all equally likely to develop a mental illness, and people with mental illness do not have the same prognosis - things like your culture, your socioeconomic standing, your family support, early childhood trauma, your religion, your location, your access to services and your gender all play into how (or whether) you will experience mental illness. A person with bipolar disorder who grew up in a loving, stable home and has supportive parents who can afford health insurance and private therapy is going to have a very different experience of the disorder than someone who has no health insurance and grew up in a violent and unstable home with a parent who also lived with unmanaged bipolar disorder. All of these factors matter - you cannot separate a person’s experience of mental illness from the context in which they experience it. 

Ultimately, I think the best way to learn how to write convincingly about mental illness is to read first-hand accounts of lived experience. Memoirs from people who live with serious mental illness (or memoirs from family who’ve tried to help loved ones navigate a very broken mental health care system) are a great resource - I already have a reading list of  books that can get you started. With some digging, you can also find a wealth of blogs, vlogs and articles from people who live with mental illness and neurodivergence; these will ultimately give you a much richer idea about what mental illness is actually like than a clinical description or a list of symptoms. 

Best of luck to you! MM

[missmentelle]

Can narcissists learn to be less entitled/self-centered? (As in npd, not as in a character trait)

I wish I had a better answer for you, but unfortunately, we don't really know. There are currently no research-based treatment guidelines for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, no approved medications for the treatment of NPD, and very little information available on possible treatment options or long-term outcomes.

The tricky thing about studying NPD is that - sort of by definition - people who have it don't tend to believe they have a problem and aren't really interested in changing. They tend to believe that other people are the problem, and often don't particularly care about the impact that their behaviour has on others. Even in cases where NPD is destroying their relationships or careers, they are still typically not interested in treatment because they don't really recognize the connection between the way they behave and the problems that they're facing.

Needless to say, it's very hard to study possible treatments for a group of people who don't think they need any treatment. Most NPD studies simply fall apart because the participants just stop showing up for treatment. We're probably not even diagnosing a fraction of the people who meet the criteria for NPD - a lot of cases are only discovered when the person seeks treatment for another disorder like depression or anxiety, and professionals figure out that they also have NPD. There is some research that getting proper treatment for other mood disorders or mental health conditions can improve the person's quality of life, but NPD people drop out of NPD-specific treatments at such high rates that we aren't really sure if treatment can make a difference.

Even if we did have treatments for NPD, however, it can be hard to say what we're actually treating. Treatments for other personality disorders, like Anti-Social Personality Disorder, probably don't actually make people experience true empathy for others deep down in their hearts - it's more about making people realize that doing X behaviour causes Y unwanted consequence, and helping them come up with strategies to stop doing X behaviour. Even if we did have treatments for NPD - which, again, we don't - it's likely that they would focus on measurable outcomes (like maintaining relationships or holding down a job) rather than trying to make someone truly less self-centred deep down.

The good news in all of this is that most people who display narcissistic tendencies don't actually have NPD. Narcissistic traits are extremely common among people in their teens and early 20s - it's sort of a naturally self-centered time in most people's lives, and our developing brains are not especially good at understanding the impact that our actions might have on the people around us. Most people naturally grow out of these narcissistic traits over time (although a few do not). If you're concerned that you may have narcissistic traits, don't come away from this thinking that all narcissism is totally untreatable; you can always work on yourself and challenge yourself to offer greater empathy and support to others.

Hope this answers your question!

MM

[missmentelle]

What abusers believe.

If you’ve ever had to deal with an abusive person in your life - like an abusive parent or partner - you’ve probably wondered what made them treat you that way. If you understand why abuse is happening, the thinking goes, you might be able to figure out how to make it stop. 

So why do abusers do what they do? Do they have anger issues? Drinking problems? Past trauma? Personality disorders? Do they just need to get in touch with their feelings and learn how to communicate better?

Nope. 

Abusive behaviours come from abusive beliefs. Abusers - whether consciously or unconsciously - hold specific beliefs about relationships that drive their behaviour and allow them to justify the horrible things they do. Even if your abuser has never put their beliefs into words, you’ll probably recognize a lot of these abusive beliefs:

You are responsible for my emotions. It is never my responsibility to reflect on my emotional reactions or learn better coping skills - it’s your responsibility to stop doing things that make me angry or upset.

I must act on my emotions. If I am angry, I am going to lash out. You have no right to criticize me for that, and it’s not my responsibility to learn to manage my  emotions - you have to stop making me lash out at you. Asking me not to act on my emotions is controlling and wrong.

You will always be responsible for my emotions. Even if the relationship ends, you will continue to be responsible for my emotions, and I will expect you to continue to prioritize my feelings.

If I have feelings about something, it’s my business. If something you do or think causes an emotional reaction in me, then I have a right to get involved or tell you what to do. My feelings must be the priority. You don’t have the right to tell me that it’s none of my business. 

You must judge me on my intentions, not my actions. If I didn’t mean to hurt you or scare you, then you don’t have the right to be hurt or scared. No one has the right to try to hold me accountable unless I meant to hurt someone.

I get to decide what your intentions were. If you hurt me, you meant to hurt me. If you make me jealous, you meant to make me jealous. Nothing you do is ever accidental or unintended - everything you do is intentional and malicious, even if it was a response to something I did.

My feelings are genuine; your feelings are manipulation. If I’m upset, my feelings are real and important. If you are upset, you have an ulterior motive - you’re just trying to be manipulative and get attention or sympathy for yourself.

You have freedoms because I allow you to. Every freedom you have in your life - like wearing what you want - it’s because I generously allow it. I expect you to be grateful to me for that. I have the right to take those freedoms away whenever I want, and I expect you to obey.

If you set boundaries with me, you are mistreating me. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t set boundaries with me. You are doing this to intentionally hurt me, which means I don’t have to respect those boundaries.

You holding me accountable for hurting you is worse than me hurting you. My pain at being called out is worse than your pain at being mistreated. If I feel bad about something I did, I have already been punished enough. You trying to discuss the issue or hold me accountable is just your way of abusing me.

If I apologized for something, you have to forgive me. If the relationship has ended, you have to reconcile with me. You don’t get to ask for more time apart or more discussion of the issue - once I’ve apologized, the matter is closed for good.

The relationship is not over until I say it is over. So long as I want a relationship with you, you must have a relationship with me. Your feelings are irrelevant. Even if we have broken up, you must remain available to me so we can get back together in the future. Not wanting a relationship with me means you are mistreating me or being immature. 

I am the authority in this relationship. I am smarter and more perceptive than you. I know what is best for both of us. My version of events is always the correct one. I have superior judgement, taste and opinions. If you question me or disagree with me after I’ve given you the correct answer, you are disrespecting and mistreating me, or you are simply immature and incapable of knowing what’s good for you.

I have the right to control you. It is my absolute right to decide what you do and who you associate with. You have no right to disobey me. I am owed obedience and control; if you don’t give me those things, you are wronging me and cheating me out of the relationship I deserve. 

If you resist my control, I am allowed to do whatever I think is necessary to get it back. Once you’ve resisted me, I am justified in whatever I do to regain control of you. I am not responsible for my actions when you resist my control; you forced me to do it, and it’s your own fault. 

I should be your main focus. Everything else in your life comes secondary to me. When you make decisions, my feelings should be your first consideration. You are expected to make sacrifices for me and put me at the center of your life; I am not obligated to do the same for you. 

If I spend money on you or do something for you, you are in debt to me. You spending money on me or doing things for me does not erase your debt to me, and I am never in debt to you. You are indebted to me for as long as I decide. I may decide that your belongings and earnings also belong to me, since I allow you to have them. I may also decide at any time that you owe me for gifts I gave you, even if they were meant to be gifts.

I am not abusive, and you are not allowed to tell me otherwise. I know what abuse is, and real abusers are significantly worse than me. If our relationship has ever had any good times or positive moments, it can’t possibly be abusive. If you accuse me of being abusive, you are the one abusing me, or you have been led astray by bad influences. 

Relationships should be effortless (for me). I am owed a relationship that is peaceful and requires no real effort from me. It is your job to make sure we have that kind of relationship. If there is any tension or conflict in the relationship, it is your fault, and you are depriving me of the relationship I deserve to have. 

Abusers and victims alike often buy into the narrative that abuse is rooted in anger issues - after all, abusers are frequently angry, and anger is an issue that can be treated. But this narrative just isn’t true. Abusers aren’t abusive because they are angry. Abusers are angry because they are abusive. 

A non-abusive partner is not someone who has learned how to control their rage whenever you spend time with your friends or get home 15 minutes late from work. A non-abusive partner just doesn’t feel any rage in those situations. An abuser’s rage is firmly rooted in their beliefs about relationships - they feel entitled to a relationship that meets their impossible expectations, and when they inevitably don’t get it, they bubble over with fury. Whether they know it or not, they have firmly entrenched beliefs about how relationships should be, and those beliefs are at the heart of their abuse. 

Can abusers stop believing these things? Maybe. If they can acknowledge that they have these beliefs, accept that these beliefs are dangerous and unreasonable and let go of these beliefs, maybe it’s possible for them to no longer be abusive in the future. Maybe. But it’s not your job to hang around and find out. If you’re in an abusive relationship of any kind, you deserve better. There are many people in this world who don’t hold abusive views of relationships, and you deserve to find happiness with them. 

[cartooncoyote]

This is actually the best intro to a porno that has ever existed

[satanblessitt-deactivated201608]

There is no way this is a porno

[zombiesahoy]

This is the best porno there has ever been.

[usingtimewisely]

The way he says “HEY WHAT THE FUCK” shaped me as a person

[thebibliosphere]

It’s been over a decade, and I still think “I’m a lemon stealing whore” to myself every time I take fruit off a lemon tree.

Which isn’t often, but it’s often enough.

[missmentelle]

Howdy! I read your list on abusive behavior, and my partner exhibits some of these behaviors but not all, does that still mean I'm in an abusive relationship? This might be a dumb question to some, but I think I might be in denial.

You might be.

It's hard for me to give a distinct yes/no answer without having any of the details - there isn't always a hard and fast line between "imperfect but non-abusive relationships" and "abusive relationships". But I can definitely try to help you find the answer yourself.

I can tell you right off the bat that a relationship absolutely does not need to check off every box on a list of abusive traits to be considered an abusive relationship. The vast, vast majority of abusers do not tick all of the boxes. Some will tick very few of the boxes. There are many different ways to be abusive, and two equally abusive people can have almost nothing in common with one another. The partner who screams and throws things and punches holes in the wall when they're angry is abusive - but so is the gentle, soft-spoken partner who never raises their voice when they tell you that you're ugly and crazy and no one else will ever love you.

If your partner is physically or sexually abusive toward you, your relationship is almost certainly abusive, even if these behaviours are rare. This would include behaviours like:

slapping, kicking, punching, hitting or choking you

punching or kicking holes in walls or otherwise damaging property

throwing things

breaking your possessions

physically intimidating you (getting in your face during arguments, cornering you, posturing that they may get violent with you, etc)

making threats of violence

threatening you with a weapon, whether directly or indirectly (reminding you that they have a weapon, displaying it during conflicts, etc)

threatening your pets

coercing you into unwanted sexual activity

Emotional and psychological abuse can be harder to pin down. A partner who ignores you for hours after a fight might be intentionally giving you the cold shoulder, or they might legitimately need to take some time to themselves to calm down. A partner who doesn't want you spending time with your friends might be trying to control and isolate you, or they might have noticed that your friends treat you like garbage. In general though, there's a very good chance that your relationship is abusive if:

You always seem to be the one in the wrong. You always seem to be the one who ends up apologizing or trying to explain yourself, even if you went into the conversation feeling very confident that your partner was in the wrong. You're consistently made to feel that the problems in the relationship are your fault; it seems like no matter what the issue is, your partner is able to twist things so that you end up feeling like you are the problem.

You find yourself making excuses for your partner. When you're talking to friends and family, you often downplay and minimize your partner's negative behaviours toward you. You might avoid telling your loved ones about the worst of it and try to avoid discussing your partner altogether. If your friends and family witness your partner treating you badly, you find yourself trying to make excuses for them and explain away their mistreatment of you.

You "walk on eggshells" around your partner. There are times where you feel like you have to tiptoe around your partner to avoid setting them off. You might feel like there are different "versions" of your partner, and that you have to use extreme caution whenever the abusive version of your partner shows up.

Your relationship feels like a cycle. You walk on eggshells around your partner for a while, until eventually there's some sort of blowup. This doesn't have to be physical - it could be your partner yelling at you, or calling you some particularly vicious insults, or going through your phone and demanding that you answer for everything they find on there. Afterwards, they are extremely loving and apologetic and everything is great for a while. Then the sensation of walking on eggshells comes back and you do it all over again.

You don't feel like you get to make your own choices anymore. Your partner might directly tell you that you are not allowed to do certain things - like wear certain clothing or speak to certain people - without their consent. Or they might simply give you such a hard time for doing certain things that you eventually decide it's not worth the fuss. They might closely monitor you by tracking your social media or your phone's location, or demand regular access to your social media accounts and messages, and they may regularly require you to "prove" that you aren't cheating.

Your partner threatens suicide or self-harm if you leave. Making threats of suicide is abusive; it's an emotionally manipulative thing to do to a person. If your partner has hinted or directly stated that they will hurt themselves if you leave them or do something they don't like, that's a very unhealthy situation.

You don't feel like yourself anymore. Being in an abusive relationship can erode your entire sense of self over time. You might come to find that you no longer pursue your dreams or hobbies, never see friends, and no longer have the self-confidence that you used to have.

At the end of the day, a relationship doesn't need to meet any kind of "official" criteria for abuse to be a bad relationship for you. If you're in a relationship where you feel unsafe or unheard, that's probably not a relationship you need to be in. Think about how you would want your best friends or loved ones to be treated in a relationship - is that how your partner treats you? If not, you may have some soul-searching to do.

If you are looking for more information or resources to figure out whether or not your relationship is abusive, you can always reach out to domestic violence services in your local area, or go online to some of these resources to learn more:

Healthline

Heartwise Counselling Quiz

Women's Health Mag

WebMD

Best of luck to you. Stay safe. MM

[missmentelle]

is it normal to feel numb after a traumatic experience? a friend of mine attempted suicide several months ago, and it was absolutely horrible in the moment + immediate aftermath, but now i don't think about it often at all, and when i do i only feel what I'd describe as a dull terror, if my mind doesn't immediately go off it. i love my friend so much, and nearly losing him was horrific, but like i said, i just feel numb, and i rarely think about it. is this a normal reaction?

Hey, I'm really sorry that you went through this. I lost a friend to suicide this past September and it's been an incredibly difficult thing to process. I’m very glad to hear that your friend survived. 

Feeling numb after a traumatic event or experience is a very common experience, and is perfectly normal. Emotional numbness is a common coping mechanism - sometimes our brains just go "woah, that’s way too much for me to process right now” and just don’t experience the full emotion right away. Processing the full pain of reality all the time is just too much, and self-soothing with distractions or daydreams or numbness is a normal way to cope. 

It can take weeks, months or even years for a trauma to fully “sink in” after for some people after they’ve experienced it, and that’s perfectly normal; people pretty commonly report feeling absolutely nothing at the funerals of close family members, only to be overwhelmed with grief months’ later. Others, like you, might feel the full weight of the pain right away, only to find that the pain lessons dramatically in the weeks and months afterwards. Experiencing trauma is not a linear process; there are often good days and bad days, or good weeks and bad weeks, and it’s perfectly normal for your feelings about an event to evolve and shift in the months and years after it happens.

It’s also very normal for traumatic events to become less painful and take up less space in our minds over time. That’s sort of the end goal of the grieving/processing journey; we go through pain and come out the other side having reached a place where we accept what happened and might still have lingering sadness or anger or grief, but are otherwise able to move on with our lives. You don’t actually want to be in a place where the pain is still completely fresh and you’re still constantly dwelling on an event months after it happened - that’s a sign of PTSD. I think the narrative about trauma has largely become something like “you should expect to still suffer side effects of all your trauma for the rest of your life”, but that’s not actually borne out by research - only 8% of people develop PTSD after experiencing a major traumatic event. Most people get past the trauma caused by one-time events (long-term abuse is a bit of a different story); they struggle in the immediate aftermath, and over time, they find themselves thinking about the event less and less, and being less distressed by it whenever they do. That doesn’t mean that they don’t care about the event or the people impacted by it - it’s just a normal part of moving on. 

If you ever experience the kind of emotional numbness where you no longer care about your life or get enjoyment out of things, that’s something you should definitely talk to a professional about, but painful memories becoming a lot less painful over time is healthy, and a regular part of the coping process. 

Hope this answers your question! MM

[missmentelle]

Any thought on the show and characters on the show "You" on Netflix?

Why do you think so many people are attracted to Joe?

Minor spoilers for “You” follow. Honestly, I like the show. I liked the books, too. It gets (in my opinion) a little bit corny and far-fetched as it goes on, but it’s an entertaining story with some very entertaining characters. I put it on in the background while I do dishes. It's not an accurate source of information on psychopathy, psychopathology or relationship dynamics, but it never claims to be - Joe's terrible behaviour isn't presented as something that people should aspire to or admire - he gets what he wants in the short term, but the whole point of the show is that the obsessive, monstrous things he does just keep catching up with him and making his life worse.

I've seen a lot of people wringing their hands over the fact that people relate to Joe and find him attractive. But honestly... I don't think it's particularly surprising, or something to be concerned about.

For starters, Penn Badgley (the actor who plays Joe) is a very attractive dude. He has a head of thick, dark curly hair and a bookish, Edwardian vibe that a lot of people are really into. It doesn't really matter what sort of character he's playing - so long as he looks like that while staring soulfully into the camera, he's going to end up with admirers. 

I think it’s also important to remember that the show is written from Joe's perspective - we're meant to sympathize with Joe on some level, even if he does terrible things. The show goes out of its way to show us that there’s a good side to Joe, even when he’s not mixed up in all the stalking and murdering stuff - every season has a subplot where Joe goes out of his way to protect a vulnerable child from danger, even as he does terrible things to other people. We are repeatedly reminded that he had a shitty childhood. He has a deep love and reverence for books. In the later seasons especially, we see over and over again that Joe wants to be a better person, but gosh darn it, he keeps getting dragged back into the serial killing stuff again. What’s a guy to do?

From a writer’s perspective, there is an art form to making people sympathize with characters who are bad people, and You is sort of a textbook example of it. Yes, Joe is undeniably a terrible person and a monster, and if he existed in real life, he’d be reviled. But Joe is a fictional character, and the audience knows that - watching a piece of fiction (especially one whose plot gets as... creative as the later seasons of You) requires audiences to suspend their disbelief and buy into the world the show has created. And there are careful lines that the show does not cross. Joe does not harm or abuse children. He does not physically torture people (save for one child abuser). Most of his violence takes place off-screen. The show (again, spoiler alert) even flips the script on Joe in the later seasons by pairing him with someone who is possibly even more of a psychopath than he is, showing him what it feels like to be stalked by a deranged admirer. He murders several men who abuse or take advantage of women. None of that makes him a better person, but it makes it easier for the audience to connect with him. 

Honestly, I think we’ve seen this “why do people like this psychopathic main character” thing play out before - anti-heroes have been big for the last couple of years. Dexter, Walter White, The Joker, Hannibal Lector, Deadpool, Jamie Lannister and Bojack Horsemen are all recent examples anti-heroes who were embraced by fans, sometimes to the surprise of their creators. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia has become the longest-running live-action American sitcom, despite the entire premise of the show being the fact that all of the main characters are terrible, unlikeable people. Why is it so easy for people to overlook the murderous tendencies of beloved main characters? Hard to say. Maybe we’re just hired-wired to connect with the protagonists of stories, even if they make outrageous moral choices. Maybe this kind of exaggerated villainy gives us an opportunity for escapism, by letting us temporarily connect with a character who makes decisions we never could or would. Maybe, again, Penn Badgley is just very, very pretty. Maybe it’s all of the above. 

Either way, I’ll be watching the next season of You.

MM