how she must have felt so hopeless and lonely because she thought she was incapable. how she used video games as a way of escape. doing mindless repeating tasks in an empty virtual world to escape from her failure. watching her childhood friend fall deeper and deeper into darkness and being too trapped, somehow, to reach out even though a mere wall separates them.
trying to disappear only to find that she still cared too much. why? feeling sorry for a younger version of herself, still naive and believing in fairy tale magic, who had thought she could become the little mermaid (but didnt the little mermaid eventually turn into sea foam that dissolved at the lightest touch, all because she had wanted too much?) instead of stuck indoors all day playing video games.
she cares too much to give up. still hoping in a tiny corner of her mind. blending in, blending in, become transparent, let no one inā if it means not letting them see you fail. whats worse, you still want to go on even after all that? how funny. do you deserve to? can you?
empty days pass and the music sheets still lie quietly untouched on a corner of the desk. she hates herself for allowing the hours to tick by like a stupid npc in a game passively waiting for the main character to come by and change their fate, a shell of a person. she hates herself or failing, for falling short; yet, shes the one sitting here, with her body filled with numbness and doingānothing. and she hates herself even more for that.
still, she doesnt. cant. pick up the music sheets and scriptsālight as feathers and too too heavy with the weight of broken notes and forgotten lines. what happened to the glittering dreams, the shining stages, the golden canary delighting the world with its sweet song?
but she doesnāt deserve it anymore, not unless everythings the best she can make it. it has to be even better than perfection. if they could do it, why cant she? but itll never be anymore, not after what had happened. a need for everything to be just as shiny and polished and perfect as that stage, ten years ago, was. the edges of the memory are fading, but she still sees everything, hears every note crisp and clear and sharp and demanding and mocking and so so stupidly perfect. trapping herself in a cage where the bars are constructed from her own dreams. how cruel.
It's the way that Nene's still scared. It's the way that Nene's still hurting. It's the way Nene feels like she'll never stop hating herself and her choices. It's the way she feels she may never be free from regret, or like she'll ever be kinder to herself. It's also the way Nene knows she can't cower in her self deprecation anymore. It's also the way she isn't weak enough to let them stop her from her dreams. It's also the way that coming from sinking in Coral and facing the exit in Boku no Kamisama, Nene still hasn't completely reached the end of the tunnel. It's the way that Nene is still, and will keep, going forth.
It's so simple. It's so realistic. It's the easiest thing for anyone to see but it's everything to me her
Early relationship SakuNene is the kind where you'd think the taller one (Sakurako) could kabedon the shorter one (Nene) all confident and smooth as the shorter one turns into a tomato when the reality is closer to Sakurako attempting to kabedon Nene, then immediately doubting herself and getting offended (embarrassed) when Nene just looks up at her, confused and slightly bothered. The interaction dialogue would be like-
Sakurako, in the midsts of Kabedoning: Look at me, Kusanagi!
Nene, genuinely intimidated: ...did, did I do something wrong?
Sakurako: What-?! No- why in the world would you think that?!
Nene: I mean you just came out of nowhere and I thought you were gonna confront me about my performance-
Sakurako: I'm hitting on you!! How dare you not acknowledge my charm!?
and then she turns away and they're both blushing now. Shoots them they're so dumb. I will not tolerate Tsundere Nene propaganda, that girl is just oblivious.
If SakuNene has no fans I've withered because the nightmare from my miseries and regrets will never be enough (/ref) (/please get it)
hello ministarfruit i am here to say you have made some of my favourite blackmadhi art and i find myself staring intently at your blackmadhi art over and over again and its always so awesome and so cool. ur really cool btw
yay yay yay I'm so glad you enjoy their shenanigans!!
I love angst and kasa7 was full of it. Also it wouldnāt be a kawaiionnna piece without angsting on my blorbo Nene. Not my best work (that would be fragile wonderland on AO3) but itāll do
Tsukasa hadnāt been acting normally since Sakaki had started āhelpingā Tsukasa improve his acting. Wonderlands x Showtime had managed to get through to him, but it was clear he wasnāt completely stable. Now, it was time for another performance of the show. Nene couldnāt help but feel anxious. After all, she was playing the daughter Tsukasaās character was attempting to kill so she wouldnāt forget him. Being forgotten was a major part of Tsukasaās spiralling mental health. Now, that scene was coming up. Nene knew what she had to do, get into character and perform. There was a moment backstage when it was just the two of them, she knew she had to say something.
āTsukasa, please donāt forget that we wonāt forget you. Okay?ā Nene reminded him, keeping her voice down so the audience wouldnāt hear past the stage. Tsukasa smiled at her, pulling her into a sudden hug and planting a kiss on her forehead. That offered her some comfort.
On stage, the scene started as it was meant to. It was only the part where Tsukasaās character was strangling Nene that things flipped. It was out of nowhere, with the light in his eyes dying and his hands gripping her throat too tightly for her to even breathe let alone say her lines. She was terrified, trying to struggle under him but being unable to. He was stronger than her anyway under normal circumstances, but it was like he was completely possessed and completely unmoving. A tear rolled out of her eyes, her hand reaching up to cup Tsukasaās cheek before her consciousness faded out.
It was like Tsukasa hadnāt noticed, even as Neneās hand dropped to the stage. Completely trapped in his delusion triggered by the method acting, he didnāt stop for a good few minutes. By the time he let go, it was too late. Looking at Nene, not feeling her chest raising and falling underneath him, he was violently dragged back into reality. His heart was hammering in his chest, trying to act like things were fine. Nene couldnāt do her part now, so Tsukasa had to improvise.
āAmeliaā¦ā he said the name of her character, forcing himself up to his feet and looking down at her still body. He wanted to be sick, but he didnāt want to cause a mass panic from the audience. He rubbed at the tears falling from his eyes, preparing an ending for this play on the fly. āIām sorryā¦ā with that, he bolted off the stage, and the curtains closed very quickly after.
Medical attention was given very quickly, but it was in vain. Nene was gone, and Tsukasa confessed immediately. He didnāt mean to, but he had gone too far method acting. Suddenly he had no longer been acting as a father murdering his child, but was a troupe leader strangling the life out of his troupeās songstress. At least now he would never be forgotten, just not in the way he had dreamed about.
The chaos was starting to settle at long last, and Rui was filled with emotions. Now he was staring at Sasaki, the man responsible for this. He had been the one to encourage Tsukasaās method acting, he had ignored the troupeās concern for Tsukasaās mental health, and now he had led to his childhood friendās murder.
āI hope you're happy with yourself, Sakaki. We warned you Tsukasa was in a bad headspace, but you did nothing to help. Now, someoneās dead, and the blood is on your hands.ā His hand balled into a fist, punching Sakaki in the face as hard as he physically could. He wouldāve loved to murder Sakaki right there for some kind of retribution, but he restrained himself. āI may not be the best director, but Iām not a murderer. I care for my actors. I hope you rot in jail.ā He forced himself to walk away, not wanting Sakaki to see him cry. This was officially the worst show he had ever been a part of, and had he known he wouldāve never put this show on and allowed Sakaki to have any influence over it. He was the true monster here.
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