🍀archived!

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[kazewhara]

zuzu / shiloh, twenty, he/fae/star, kazuxiao main ༊*·˚

# – masterlist. (last updated: 6/19)

# – about me. ( + pronouns & carrd.)

# – rules. ( + dni/byf.)

# – blog tags. ( + anons.)

# – wanna buy me a ko-fi?

# – zee's music café. (last updated: 4/20)

requests? CLOSED || tag list form. || pfp © yeetoldy.

[kazewhara]

good night, kazewhara.

i'm strongly considering combing through this blog, making another to truly archive all the works and long-winded headcanons, and then re-purposing this blog for this silly little podcast.

scrolling through this blog is truly like a time capsule. the community i managed to create and the friends i made whilst writing here will never ever leave my memory. i look back on this blog whenever i need a pick-me-up because everyone who was involved in creating this blog mean so, so much to me. foundationally, i truly think the support made me more confident in my creative skills despite me being at my most depressed when i was using this blog and awlumii. i was suicidal, severely underweight and malnourished.. it was bad. but i'm better now. MUCH better.

so in all seriousness, i may just slowly come back. definitely not writing genshin stuff since my interests have shifted, but i may write other things as well as provide updates on the podcast that my friends and i are making. i don't want to dredge up old negative emotions, but i want to move forward with the love i was shown and create something new once again.

this blog, kazewhara, was my best and closest friend when i needed it the most. as were all of my anons and mutuals and followers. but it's time to heal and move on.

i'm mostly on @/kopivie these days, so awlumii is probably just a completely dead blog now. but kazewhara is a mouthpiece that i will definitely be using to my advantage. not that i'm going to make it like, solely for business -- i do want to be comfy and happy here as well -- but i do have an agenda, so... yeah.

thank you, kazewhara, for all you've done for me. zuzu's not coming back.

[kazewhara]

the urge to return to this blog sometimes gets so overwhelming

[kazewhara]

day 2 and the urge is KILLING ME

[kazewhara]

the urge to return to this blog sometimes gets so overwhelming

[kazewhara]

through the fire and back again.

# — pairing(s): aether, kazuha x gn!reader

# — characters: gender neutral reader, kazuha, aether, paimon, raiden shogun/ei/baal, gorou

# — summary: a request from @lovely26: "reader pushing aether and kazuha (separate) from baal's attack during the archon quest."

# — warnings: archon quest spoilers!!, hc/drabble format, violence, injury, swearing

# — tags: canon compliant, hurt/comfort, angst, fluff

# — notes: my first ever req on this blog !! i love this a lot bc this particular scene made me cry, like i love kazuha so fuckin much, dude :( i hope you like it and, as always, rbs and reactions are always appreciated!

✧ — 𝐚𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 — ✧

you got into a fight with aether that morning.

in hindsight, you feel terrible knowing that you just added more weight to his shoulders. he was working himself to the bone day in and day out, even if it was reluctant on his part. you could only watch as aether tightened his fists behind his back each time he was given a new task. even when you tried to lighten the load for him, he would brush you off with a half-hearted smile, mumbling his apologies into your skin whenever he got the chance.

something was wrong and it was only getting worse.

the morning it happened, you tried to stop aether from doing anything. you begged him to just sleep in for once -- to allow himself a moment to just breathe, even if it was for a second. when he refused, you became desperate.

"aether, i don't want you to hurt yourself out there!" you cried, frustrated tears forming on your lashes. "please just listen to me for once, i just--"

the traveler yanked his hand out of yours. he was fully glaring at you now, not a single ounce of mirth or kindness swimming in his golden eyes. it terrified you. "if you try to stop me from making progress one more time," he hissed, "then we're going to have to end this."

and that was the end of that. you gaped at his back as he left and couldn't muster up the courage to find him in fear of losing what little happiness you had left. you stewed in your indignation for the rest of the day until the sky began to crackle.

it was as if the air itself was laced with pure electricity. in the land of electro, that should have been a good omen, but to you, it only made your stomach drop lower than you have ever felt it. perhaps it was because you hadn't seen aether all day, but whenever supernatural things occurred, he was usually at the center of it all. you dropped what you were doing and let your feet carry you as fast as they could.

only the archons would know why you ended up at tenshukaku. when you saw the backs of the resistance as they waited on the steps, you sprinted over to general gorou, who grabbed your shoulders with thinly veiled panic in his eyes. "what are you doing here?" he asked, gently pushing you backwards. "if aether finds out that you're here--"

"he won't do a thing," you said, holding your ground. "something felt off, and now i'm here. you know i can fight, so at least let me help."

you were half-lying. while you possessed a hydro vision and could most definitely fight -- kazuha could attest to your skills -- that's not what you were there to do; you were there to collect aether and get him to safety. gorou eyed you warily. you could tell he was trying to figure out whether or not he should let you stay.

it was no secret that you were the legendary traveler's most important person; unfortunately that title preceeded you. you hated that people thought aether was your knight in shining armor. you were just as good a fighter as he was, and the only reason he'd made it this far was because you had his back. you didn't flinch as gorou scanned you closely before he sighed.

"fine," he let go of you and pointed to the entrance to tenshukaku. "we're on standby. stand at the front by kazuha and be ready. clear?"

"crystal."

after taking your position beside kazuha, you didn't have to wait much longer. you were right to be on edge; the sky became impossibly dark over the shogun's residence, and the thunder threatened to deafen you. you saw kazuha flinch and cover one of his ears with a hand beside you. before you could check on him, gorou suddenly gave the order to advance. you're confused, but you obey.

you see him at the top of the stairs. he's staggering as he makes his way out, but he looks relatively unharmed. you release a breath you didn't know you were holding and open your mouth to call his name, but as soon as you do, the hairs at the back of your neck stand at attention.

you will never be able to explain what you saw that day.

you'd heard of the musou no hitotachi in stories, but never in your life had you ever thought you would see it before you like this. reality itself seemed to tear apart before your very eyes, revealing nothing but an ominous violet eye. it's quickly replaced by the raiden shogun, who lunges out of it at breakneck speed. the soldiers around you are stunned into silence as they watch who the shogun is aiming for.

no. no, no, no, no.

she's aiming for aether.

she's going to kill aether.

things go blank after that. maybe your body moved purely on instinct and mind-numbing adrenaline, because really, everything is a blur.

you hear kazuha's choked gasping until suddenly it's not there anymore. you're not there anymore. you don't exactly know when and how you got here, but you've shoved yourself between aether and the shogun's blade, taking the full force of her attack.

there's so much to feel in this moment. part of you recognizes the feeling of raw power and determination; the very same sensation you felt the day you received your vision. you dimly, very, very dimly feel aether's mortified stare burning holes through your skin. if you had the chance, you'd laugh at how stupid he must look.

but the most obvious thing you feel is pure agony.

you were quick to activate your vision to somehow soften the blow of the shogun's blade, but as everyone with common sense knows, hydro and electro don't mix. and as expected of the electro archon, her strikes are powerful -- your arms rightfully feel as though they're going to fall off.

they can't. you know that that's no longer your decision to make, but if you fall here -- if you lose this stand-off -- who will protect aether? who will love him in your stead? with a sharp cry, you pour all your strength into pushing the shogun's blade up and away from your body, ignoring the way you can feel blood starting to soak your hands. perhaps the hydro archon took pity on you, because you successfully parry the raiden shogun's blade.

there's no time to celebrate. immediately, the shogun's shocked expression smooths itself out and she lunges again -- for you, this time. she'd clearly done it with intent to kill, because you barely managed to block the strike, and the strength of it sent you flying back down the stairs, where the resistance soldiers barely managed to catch you.

after that... well, you don't know what happened after that. when you come to, you're laying in an unfamiliar futon bed. you blink rapidly, groaning when the sunlight nearly blinds you. to say that you're in pain would be a vicious understatement. your arms are stiff and numb, your ears are ringing, and every breath you take feels like someone is cutting at your insides with each inhale.

you cough, wincing at the metallic taste in your mouth. the events in front of tenshukaku plays out once more in your head, and you groan again, louder this time. intervening and basically stopping the musou no hitotachi would be a fun story to tell people once you've recovered, but as of right now, you feel nothing but regret.

the regret is quickly replaced by relief, though. because at the end of the day, you managed to save aether's life. surely, you tell yourself, he retreated with the resistance after that incident. you smile bitterly as you remember the argument you had before. maybe he hates you for getting in his way like that, but you could make peace with that; so long as he's alive then--

"you're awake! traveler, they're awake!" a high-pitched voice cuts through the persistent ringing. you can't move your neck too much, but you manage to turn enough to see who yelled. it's paimon. she's frantically looking between you and the sliding door. "paimon's so glad you finally woke up!"

"finally?" you croak. "what are you--?"

a pair of footsteps stops near paimon before there's a soft thud and a sudden weight on your torso. you crane your neck up a little to get a better look at your visitor. as soon as you spot golden hair, your lungs close, forcing you to cough.

"oh, paimon will go get water! paimon'll be right back!" the little fairy disappears into her cloud of stars. she returns quickly and helps you sit upright to drink the water, but makes the sudden decision to leave you alone with aether.

the silence is so loud.

you have no idea what to say to him. the last time you'd spoken, he was threatening to break up with you. you were already prepping yourself for the post-break up healing process, so why..?

"it's been three weeks." aether finally speaks. he looks up at you, his eyes red-rimmed and watery. was he... crying just now? "you were asleep for three weeks."

wow. there's a lot to unpack. you say the first thing that comes to mind.

"why are you," you pause for a second to cough, "here? i figured you'd break up with me."

aether grimaces. you wonder what's going through his head. you continue: "if you still want to break up, then..." you suddenly feel a new pain blossoming in your chest. it brings you to tears faster than any cut ever could. "i won't stop you, i--"

"you wake up from a three week long coma after saving my life and you think i'm just going to dump you?" aether looks horrified by your words. stray tears drip from his eyes. "i visited every single day after--" he chokes up. "after what happened. i'm sorry; i shouldn't have been so mad at you, i know you were just looking out for me, and i-- archons, this is all my fault--"

you cut him off then. "aether, i saved your life because i wanted to." you rasp. breaking up or not, the fact remains that you are wholeheartedly in love with the traveler from beyond the stars. you would do it again in a heartbeat -- suffer the same wounds over and over and over if it meant that he got to live another day. "i did what i did because i love you; no other reason."

aether sniffs and avoids eye contact. you can tell him it's not his fault all you want, but that probably won't change a thing for him. you can't convince him otherwise either -- not in this state. you're bruised, battered, and numb; you're not in any position to tell him to stop worrying. but that won't stop you from trying. "c'mere." you beckon him over.

he does as you say.

"a little closer."

he's a few feet away now.

"just a liiiiittle closer, c'mon."

aether hesitantly obeys. he's close enough that you can feel his shaky breathing. you rest your forehead on his, suppressing a hiss of pain from the movement.

"i love you." you whisper. you can sort of see him flinch. "i'm glad you're okay."

there's a long pause before aether chuckles shakily. "that's my line," he whispers back. "i'm sorry. i'm so, so sorry. i don't know what i can do to make it up to you, i--"

"don't do anything," you interrupt. "i don't want anything from you. just stay alive; that's all."

aether sighs. "...that's all?"

"that's all."

✧ — 𝐤𝐚𝐳𝐮𝐡𝐚 — ✧

despite being one of the most level-headed people you have ever met, kazuha somehow also manages to be one of the most reckless.

granted, he almost always had a reason, but that didn't change the fact that you developed a fear that his recklessness would get him killed someday.

it didn't help that kazuha used his anemo vision to his advantage each time, channeling the element to boost his speed whenever he needed it. you sometimes wished you could hide it from him, but it was obvious why that was a terrible idea.

as a compromise, you decided to aid him in his ventures. you figured that so long as you were present, you could, at the very least, pull him out of danger at the last second; your own electro vision granted you enough speed to match him at times. you relied on your own battle prowess to keep up with your boyfriend -- something he greatly appreciated.

because the last thing you would ever do is clip the wings of someone like kazuha. you may as well be the updraft that keeps him in the air.

the fact remains, however, that you will lag behind him at times. kazuha is trained to be quick -- to avoid the eyes of others. his quick thinking is what usually leads him to victory most of the time, even in a pinch. so sometimes, you don't even get the chance to help before he's finished the job.

"you're too fast, kazuha," you panted one day after training with him. "what if you get hurt?"

kazuha hummed, tapping the hilt of his katana. "what guides me through battle is not the possibility that i may fail, but that i will succeed without a scratch."

you frowned at him. "and what if i can't be there to help you when you need it the most?"

bandaged fingers hooked themselves under your chin gently, tilting your head up. kazuha leaned in and kissed you with all the gentleness of a passing breeze. "you are always with me," he said. "and if i may be completely honest, i would much rather be hurt than watch you injure yourself on my behalf."

you couldn't say anything to that.

all you could do was hone your skills.

if you were faster, stronger, more agile, maybe you could keep up with him -- surpass him, even. kazuha thought your desire to be better than him was endearing, but he accepted the challenge. he trained alongside you as often as he could, and you found that you started to make progress.

you were quicker during hilichurl ambushes and fatui run-ins, but if neither of you broke a sweat, you felt it didn't count. you somewhat longed for the day you could completely protect kazuha with your new skills and brag about how much better you were.

when you got your chance, however, your self-imposed competition was the last thing on your mind.

to bear witness to the musou no hitotachi was an honor, especially as a citizen of inazuma. especially as an electro vision holder, you felt as though you could someday produce something of your own -- something as legendary as the raiden shogun's musou no hitotachi.

it was a childish dream, but vision holders are, after all, known for their ambition.

your heart all but stops as you watch the raiden shogun target the blonde traveler. you'd grown close to him during his time here, and whenever you weren't training or helping the resistance on the front lines, you were asking him how you could help him find his lost sister. he opened up to you and you to him, and you thought it safe to say that you'd found a truly close friend in him. but as he -- and the rest of the resistance -- looked death straight in the face, you found yourself paralyzed.

this wasn't what you trained for. this wasn't what you dedicated all your time to. you were supposed to be like the very lightning that you commanded and yet here you were, as stagnant as the air you breathed.

move. move!

a sudden gust of wind from your left nearly knocks you to your feet. you finally get your body to move, hoping to see what just happened. you don't see what produced that wind, but you immediately know who.

you whirl around to see kazuha resisting the shogun, his own blade suddenly looking flimsy as he tries his hardest to push it back. your stomach threatens to rid itself of it's contents when you notice the electro vision glowing beneath his own. somehow, kazuha managed to reactivate tomo's vision and is using both to save the traveler.

it's enough to startle everyone, even the shogun, but it's not enough.

while he does successfully manage to push the shogun back, he also succeeded in making himself a target. again, the shogun strikes, this time he sword aimed right for kazuha's chest.

you're actually not sure how you managed to get there in time. kazuha did it with the help of two visions, but you? you only had the one. perhaps it was all the electricity in the air that came to your aid when you needed it the most. you felt as though you became a stray bolt of lightning for a split second, rushing in front of kazuha in the nick of time.

as for the plan? there was no plan. you just knew you needed to keep kazuha safe. that's been your main goal for months: to keep kazuha alive. you force yourself between kazuha and the raiden shogun's blade just in time, but you don't bring your blade up in time to send it away. you barely hear kazuha's shattered cry of your name before your world begins to warp itself. after that... you don't remember what happened very well.

you're suddenly forced back down the stairs with kazuha, but you don't exactly know how you got there. there's screams and battle cries coming from every which direction and you can just barely make out the figures of the resistance soldiers advancing on tenshukaku, but only one voice stands out.

"...no, no, not again, not again!"

it's kazuha, you realize. even as your consciousness fades, you hear him yelling your name.

when you come to, the first person you see is gorou.

he's leaning on the wall with his arms crossed and eyes closed, his ears flicking every so often as he listens for any signs of trouble. the haze of your mind doesn't clear itself completely, but you squint at him, wondering why he's keeping watch over you. gorou's ears suddenly go completely still and his eyes fly open, fixing themselves on you. "you--"

"uh, good morning?" you wince at the sound of your voice.

gorou blinks a few times. you can't see it from here -- there's too many painkillers in your system for you to make sense of anything -- but his tail begins to wag upon seeing your face. "don't strain yourself," he calls as he exits, "let me go get the healers."

after an extensive check-up and another strong dose of painkillers (since apparently, hydro healing wasn't enough), you think yourself ready enough to ask questions -- ones that gorou hesitates to answer.

he reluctantly informs you that the raiden shogun's blade went straight through you. she was visibly shaken by your sudden presence -- apparently, it must have been because she had intended to kill someone, but it certainly wasn't you. the traveler took advantage of her distraction and rushed her as soon as you went down while kazuha sought medical attention for you as quickly as he could. the doctors said you were lucky that the shogun's blade was fashioned out of pure electro energy. the wound seemed to cauterize itself after being formed; at the time you were impaled, you mostly fainted out of shock. you were severely -- almost fatally-- injured, but you survived.

gorou had a strained smile when he told you everything, his eyes dropping to your bandaged torso.

"in all the time that i've known kazuha," he said, "i've never seen him so shaken before."

you don't ask what that means. instead, you find out firsthand.

after teasing gorou for a few minutes about his constantly wagging tail, he leaves again, presumably to go back to work. he and kokomi must have their hands full after the incident. you lean your head back on the wall and shut your eyes to pass the time, but your peace doesn't last long. your nose suddenly twitches and you open your eyes.

it's kazuha. he's okay.

rather than focus on how he looks, you're preoccupied with the fact that he's standing before you at all. tears of relief spill over almost immediately. "hey," you greet him breathlessly. "how are--"

"are you an idiot?"

what?

"i-i'm sorry?" you barely manage to get the words out. kazuha's voice doesn't sound like it belongs to him. it's rough and abrasive; it's everything he's not. you try to convince yourself that maybe he just needed water or something. that has to be it, right? "what did you say?"

kazuha finally looks you in the eyes but you feel like you're looking at a stranger. his crimson stare is frigid and unforgiving. it's a look that's reserved for people who cross his path -- not you. you jaw shuts with a soft click as he speaks again. "i asked if you were an idiot." his fists tremble at his sides. "you must be, if you were willing to throw yourself in harm's way like that."

is he... is kazuha upset with you? this wasn't the first time you've taken the brunt of his frustration, but your stomsch drops as you suddenly wonder if this would be the last. "i put myself in danger every day, kazuha; what made yesterday any different?"

"yesterday?" kazuha treats the word as though it's offended him personally. "you think that that happened yesterday?"

"yes..? kazuha, where are you going with this--?"

"it's been two weeks." his voice wavers. you see vulnerability creep up on him, nearly bringing him to knees. the knowledge that you've been unconscious for two weeks doesn't shock you (no pun intended) as much as you thought it would considering the severity of your injuries, but it seems that saying it out loud was enough to crack kazuha's entire being. he's lost his usual manner of speech, switching it out for something more straightforward.

"well," you gingerly slide your hand over your abdomen, wincing when you touch the bandaged area, "i'm fine now, so--"

kazuha's beside you in an instant, his fingers locking around your wrist. he's still as swift as the wind he commands. you don't have the strength to pull your hand back, but you whimper quietly when his grip tightens. he lets go immediately. "fine? you call this," he gestures at your body, "fine? you almost died, and you--" kazuha fixes his eyes on your lap. "you think everything is fine?"

clearly, you've misspoken. you don't get to apologize.

kazuha continues, pushing a hand through his hair. "do you have any idea what it's like watching the one you love die before your eyes?"

you don't answer. guilt wires your jaw shut. kazuha's fingers twitch in place. by now, he would've grabbed your hand as means of grounding himself, but he looks almost repulsed by the ides of touching you. almost as though he's afraid of you.

"if you came to my aid because of that foolish challenge, then you're the biggest idiot i have ever known." he grumbles. "if you saw me handle the shogun once, you should have trusted that i would have made it out of there unharmed."

"it's not you i didn't trust, kazuha." you finally find your voice. you don't feel as combative as you sound, but admittedly, you're frustrated by the way kazuha seems to have twisted your motive for doing what you did. "if you were in my position, would you honestly believe that the shogun wouldn't have killed me on the first strike? do you think i help you because i want to be better than you?"

your hackles rise as soon as you finish your sentence. does he really think that little of you? were you alone in your feelings this entire time?

"why else have you been so eager to improve?"

"because i love you, kazuha." your confession is heartfelt, but it lacks the feeling behind it. your body heats up as indignation begins to boil over. "you're not just some rival, you're my lover." you lower your voice. "or at least i thought you were. perhaps i was mkstaken."

that gets kazuha's attention. his eyes are on you in an instant, his expression crumbling. "no, that's not what i--"

"to my knowledge," you hold up a hand, cutting him off, "lovers do what they can to protect each other, even if it meant puttting themselves in grave danger in the way i had. so forgive me for using my new strength to keep you safe -- i didn't realize it would upset you so much."

kazuha grabs your hand and reaches out, cupping your face gently with his free hand, his thumb stroking your cheek. "dove, please, that-- i was just-- i thought i was going to lose you."

you lean into his touch despite yourself. you've never been able to resist him, even when you're furious with him like this. "i thought the same, kazuha," you whisper.

there's a tense silence. the two of you were well-aware that your biggest issue was your overwhelming concern for one another. you knew how deep your love ran for him, but perhaps kazuha underestimated just how far you would go because of it. it's reassuring, knowing that he's not genuinely mad at you, but you can't deny how much he's hurt you just now.

as if he can read your thoughts, kazuha sighs, breaking the silence. "forgive me, my star." he leans forward, pressing his lips to your forehead. he sounds like the kazuha you fell in love with all over again, his words coated with the sweetest honey. "i was out of line. i was just--"

"worried?" you finish his sentence. kazuha nods when he pulls back, his eyes downcast. you think he looks a little like a scolded child. the corners of your lips twitch. "i know all too well how that feels, kazu'. i understand."

"i thought... that you weren't going to wake up."

"i know."

"i thought i was going to be alone again."

there it is. the root of the problem. you hold your other hand out and kazuha takes it, pressing your knuckles to his forehead with a shaky breath. you give a moment to himself. it seems like he's committing your skin to his memory; solidifying the fact that you're really here -- that you didn't leave him behind. the very thought of doing so scared you almost as much as it did him.

"i'm not going anywhere, kazuha." you say. you feel him squeeze your hands tightly. "i'm right here. i always will be."

kazuha doesn't respond for a second. he doesn't move, but you notice his shoulders are shaking. "kazuha--"

"you know," he chuckles, his voice shaking, "i actually can't think of any poetic ways to express my love for you. can you believe that?"

you blink a few times before snorting. "it's a welcome change."

"you wound me, angel." kazuha looks up at you then. his eyes are teary, but none fall. "i love you. thank you for staying alive."

it's spoken like a prayer, soft and reverent. you smile. "i love you too, kazuha. more than you'll ever know." you pat his cheek and he holds your hand in place, pressing fleeting kisses to your palm. "'till death do us part, kazu'."

kazuha hums in agreement. "'till death do us part."

✧ (waaah it's finished! it's not proofread, nor do I know how many words it is, but @lovely26 i do hope you enjoyed it! thanks for the req and thank you everyone else for reading!)

[awlumii]

rain check.

# — pairing: (spidey!)kazuha x gn!reader

# — characters: gender neutral reader, kazuha

# — warnings: n/a

# — summary: "i'm late, i'm late! for a very important date! no time to say 'hello, goodbye,' i'm late, i'm late, i'm late!" — white rabbit, alice in wonderland

# — tags: spidey!kazuha au, fluff, brief angst, making up, getting together, there's kisses involved, reader's also a simp (lol)

# — notes: [stands awkwardly in the corner] heyy... i tried my hand at the au again... as always, reblogs and reactions are greatly appreciated, and i really hope you enjoy this!

wanna join the tag list?

✧ — 🍁 + 🕷 — ✧

the meeting time was 7:30 pm originally.

7:45 pm. the waitstaff asked you if you wanted to order anything. you politely declined and informed them that you'd order when your date arrived.

8:15 pm. you texted kazuha and got no response. you eventually grew impatient and reluctantly ordered food for yourself. your face burned at the looks of pity you received from the employees.

8:45 pm. you still didn't get a response from kazuha. you tried not to text him too frequently in fear of sounding clingy or belligerent, but after an hour or so of radio silence, you couldn't help but triple (or even quadruple) text him.

9:00 pm. you check your phone. still no response from kazuha.

9:15 pm. you figured that dessert wouldn't hurt, but it was hard to stomach what with the waitstaff watching you from afar. if you strained your ears, you could hear them whispering something about a customer being stood up and having to eat alone.

9:30 pm. you didn't eat the dessert.

9:45 pm. you asked for the check. they refused to give you one. they gave you their pity instead.

10:00 pm. you left.

10:05 pm. five minutes after you started walking home, there was a blinding flash of lightning. that was the only warning you received before the skies opened up.

the frigid rain seeps through your clothes and chills you to the bone. surprisingly, it's not as unpleasant as it sounds; you were starting to feel a little numb, anyway. quiet splashes echo from the sidewalk as you drag yourself home. people pass you by one after the other, each with umbrellas, but you pay them no mind. you continue on your way.

maybe you're being dramatic, but you feel like shit right now.

when kazuha first suggested going to such a nice restaurant, you were a little hesitant to agree. never mind your preferences — kazuha isn't one for lavish affairs. he's told you as much before. even if the place wasn't super pricey, the ambience seemed to be a bit too much for his tastes. it took some coaxing on his part — he said he wanted to ask you something important, which only served to make your stomach twist into knots — but in the end, he finally got you to say yes. (truthfully, you folded as soon as he took your hands in his — you really need to learn to say no to him.)

it wasn't until you were getting ready to leave that you realized that this was going to be your tenth date with kazuha. is that why he was so insistent on going somewhere nice? you thought it adorable that he seemed to be keeping track of the number of dates the two of you have been on. it made you excited to see him — so excited in fact, that you showed up fifteen minutes early.

and yet in spite of this whole thing being his idea, kazuha never showed up, leaving you to make a fool of yourself in one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

"knew i should've stayed home," you grumble as you trudge through the downpour. you're totally lying to yourself; you had no intention of saying no to him. kazuha could suggest anything and you know you'd agree at the drop of a hat. but as they say, hindsight is 20/20; you should have dug your heels in and said no and suggested something else — maybe something that didn't involve you looking like a fucking moron at a restaurant.

your vision blurs suddenly, forcing you to come to a halt. you think it's because of the torrential rain, but the heat radiating off of your cheeks tells you otherwise. you wipe your eyes free of water — a futile effort — and chuckle humorlessly to yourself. why are you doing this? it's not like anybody's going to notice, right? you sniffle; that can easily be because you're cold and wet.

you sob. you tell yourself it's just a cough.

stop being so dramatic. keep walking.

the second you turn onto a narrow street, you hear a familiar thwip-! coming from overhead. you barely have time to acknowledge that spider-man is swinging around before he's landing right in front of you, blocking your path. you brush rainwater (and tears) out of your eyes to see him better. "you're, uh, kinda in my way, spider-man," you call out over the downpour. "could you move so i can go home?"

"what're you doing out here without an umbrella?" spider-man asks. he doesn't move like you asked; he just steps closer. and if you strain your ears a little, you think he sounds really worried. maybe you're just hearing things. "you're drenched! you're going to get sick at this rate."

for some reason, his concern makes you want to laugh. you crack a smile, though there's very little joy to be found in it. "i'm just taking a nightly stroll." you lie. "and don't worry, i won't get sick. i'm the nurse here, remember? now could you move, please?"

you step around him and start to walk past, but he grabs your arm, stopping you. why is he being like this? what is it with the men in your life tonight? "i... can't be too sure that you'll go straight home." he lets you go and holds out his hands for you to take. "at the very least, allow me to take you."

you make a face. "shouldn't you be saving someone somewhere?"

"i'm offering to take you somewhere, aren't i?" he asks. it sounds more like a retort to you. "and aren't you someone?"

"uh-huh. and what are you saving me from, exactly?"

"if we move fast enough, probably a really bad head cold." spider-man shakes his hand, silently urging you to take it. "come on. i can't have my doctor getting sick, can i?"

you sigh. you don't have it in you to turn down his offer. you never do, now that you're thinking about it. you should really do some self-evaluation. besides, the rain is fucking freezing — it felt nice a few minutes ago, but you can feel yourself starting to shiver and shake. that cold may just catch you regardless of how quickly you get home. "fine," you say and take his hand.

spider-man pulls you in by your hand and wraps an arm around your waist. instinctively, you cling to him as tightly as you can. he's as warm as ever, you note, even in the freezing rain. at this distance, you hear him chuckle: "at least you know to hold on tight." you get no other warning before he's zipping through the air with you in tow. you shriek at the sudden movement, but spider-man only laughs. "you're alright," he reassures you over the wind.

in no time at all, you're being rested on your balcony. you slide open the door and stumble into your apartment on wobbly knees, ignoring spider-man's amused laughter. "you're like a baby deer every time," he giggles. "are you not used to it yet?"

"stop making it sound like i'm the weird one here." you grumble as you lower yourself into a chair. your body feels too stiff and heavy to move. you're still drenched, but all you can do right now is shiver in your seat. meanwhile, spider-man isn't making any moves to leave. he's just watching you — or at least, you think he is. "what're you s-standing there for?" you stutter. you're cold. "what's the matter?"

spider-man puts his hand on the back of his neck and rubs it awkwardly. are you missing something right now? why is he suddenly acting like this? "are you... going to tell me why you were walking in the rain?" he holds the back of his neck, his eyes seemingly still on you. "i refuse to believe that you were taking a 'nightly stroll'." he uses air quotes to repeat your earlier words.

you laugh shakily. "are you interrogating me, spider-man?"

for once, he doesn't laugh with you. "i... just want to know. i'll leave you alone as soon as you tell me; you need to go and warm up."

you open your mouth to explain, but as you look back on the whole incident, you once again feel embarrassment take you by the shoulders. why were you really walking home in the rain? you could've ducked into a store and called a cab or taken public transportation -- what possessed you to do something so childish? your skin, though clammy, heats up as you avert your eyes.

you press your palm against your lips, muffling your voice. "i was, uh... stood up."

"...really now?"

you grimace and nod. "it was, um... supposed to be our tenth date, actually." you recall the blush that coated kazuha's cheeks when he asked you out the other day, and you start to feel the beginnings of a smile on your face. he's so cute — you'd give anything to see him right now.

because as upset as you may have been earlier, you realize that deep down, you just really want to be with kazuha. you're pissed that he still hasn't contacted you yet, but you have faith that he will; this kind of discourtesy isn't like him.

spider-man doesn't know that, though. he makes a noise of disapproval. "pardon my harsh language, songbird," he comments, "but he sounds like an asshole."

you gasp, scandalized. you've never heard him swear before. it sounds so wrong coming from him — was he really that upset about you being stood up? why did that thought make your heart skip a beat? "don't say something like that!" you open your mouth to continue chastising him, but instead you sneeze, hard. you groan and rise to your feet. if you don't move now, you really will catch that cold. "say something bad about my boyfriend again, and i'll fight your face off." you call over your shoulder as you head to your bathroom.

"your boyfriend?" spider-man's words give you pause. you whirl around to glare at him, ready to retort and defend yourself, but he puts his hands up in mock surrender. "you said it, not me. but i must say," he lays his hand over his chest, "i'm wounded, songbird. and here i thought i stood a chance."

you freeze. he thought what?! your mind starts to race immediately, but you reel yourself in quickly. your feelings for spider-man are supposed to be a thing of the past. they were childish and impractical — kazuha is the better choice in every way possible. remember that, you tell yourself.

you flip him off with a sigh. "get out, webhead. i'm going to warm up."

spider-man shrugs, the perfect picture of nonchalance. if only he knew the things he did to your head. "alright, alright." he heads back to your balcony. "take care of yourself, okay?" he calls out to you.

"whatever!" you call back.

with a laugh, he leaps off of your balcony and swings into the stormy night, leaving you dripping in your hallway. you shake your head and start towards your bathroom.

once you've taken a hot shower and put on some warm, dry clothes, you drop yourself onto your couch and turn your tv on. you're not really watching anything, but the background noise is nice. you lay yourself down and roll onto your back.

so the date was a bust. you sigh heavily. that restaurant was so, so nice, too. the atmosphere was perfect — you're pretty sure that if kazuha had asked you to be his partner there, you might have cried. that, or you would have passed out; either one seems likely. you pause for a second. is that what he was going to ask you? oh, you definitely would've cried.

are you really upset about being stood up? you gave it some thought while you were in the shower and decided that no, you're not all that upset. at least, not with kazuha. embarrassed, yes — you can never show your face at that restaurant again — but not upset. kazuha's track record speaks for itself; you can always re-schedule the date.

again, you sigh. you're much too nice to him. simp.

you're about to change the channel on the tv when you hear a frantic knocking on your front door. you jump, startled by the sudden noise. hesitant, you make your way to the door. "uh, who is it?" you call out.

the voice from behind the door makes your stomach flip. "it's kazuha. can i see you? please?"

kazuha? he came here?

you look through your peephole and sure enough, kazuha is standing in front of your door looking very winded, very distressed, and very drenched. without thinking twice, you fling your door open and tug him inside. "what were you thinking, coming here in this weather without an umbrella?!" you hiss at him as you take in his rain soaked state. under any other circumstances, you'd be gentler with him — normally you would never be so snappy with him — but all that's on your mind as you dart over to your linen closet is how sick he's going to be because of this.

kazuha's eyes widen at your tone. "i had to come and see you," he tries to explain. "i--"

you don't let him finish. you drop a soft towel over his head and start rubbing him dry, ignoring the startled noise he makes. "you're still catching your breath, too. christ, did you run here or something?"

you move the towel so that you can see kazuha's face. he looks so apologetic and honestly, really cute with his face peeking out from under the towel. "if i said yes, would you be upset with me?"

"what the-- yes!" you head back over to your linen closet and grab a bigger towel before marching into your room to rifle through your stuff. you can't believe he risked a catching a cold like this! and for what? just to see you? you stop for a moment and recognize just how romantic his gesture is supposed to be. his sprinting all the way to your apartment (and judging by the way his chest was heaving, up the stairs, too) in the freezing rain makes your heart stutter — to think he would go this far just to see you... you shake your head. you can be flattered after he's dry. you hear a quiet sneeze from outside your room and quickly head back out to see kazuha rubbing at his nose.

you shove the clothes you found into his arms along with the towel. "go and take a shower and put these on." you shake your head when he starts to talk back. "nope, i don't want to hear it. when you're done, leave your clothes in the sink and i'll wash and dry them."

"this is--"

"kazuha." your tone is flat and leaves no room for argument. you raise a brow at him and he stares at you for just a second longer before doing as you said. once the bathroom door is closed, you drop yourself back on your couch and bury your face in your hands.

you thought that you weren't upset, but now that he's actually here, you're not quite sure what it is you're feeling. are you pissed because he risked his health to see you? or do you want to punch him for standing you up tonight? well, you think to yourself, he wouldn't have run in the rain if he didn't feel bad about the whole date situation. you look at the bathroom door with a tiny smile. he can be such a charmer when he wants to be — an impulsive one, but a charmer nonetheless. you decide that you're definitely just upset at him for being so stupid.

time passes and eventually kazuha emerges from your bathroom in the large hoodie and sweatpants you forced upon him. he looks adorable in your clothes. you tell him to make himself comfortable before tossing his clothes in the laundry. when you come back, you seat yourself beside him. he seems to be making himself small — either that or he's just drowning in the clothes you gave him. "am i allowed to speak now?" he asks quietly.

you snort. "yes, kazuha, you can speak now."

"i'm really sorry." kazuha's eyes are on you, and you can see the remorse swimming in them. he looks like he's gauging your reaction for permission to continue. when you say nothing, he goes on: "i swear to you, i was on my way there when something suddenly came up," he continues. "it was urgent and demanded all of my attention. i must have gotten so absorbed that i'd forgotten to contact you. by the time everything had finished, it was incredibly late and i figured that you must've gone home, so i..." he trails off.

you tilt your head. "so you ran here?"

kazuha nods. "i... didn't realize doing so would upset you so much. so please, allow me to apologize for that as well. i know my excuse may sound generic and unsatisfying, but you have to believe me when i say that i'm telling the truth.

well, there it is. there's your apology. you press your lips together to fight off a smile. "i believe you just fine," you say. "and i forgive you."

he blinks in disbelief. "are... you sure? aren't you upset with me?"

"do you want me to be?"

"you should be." kazuha winces. this is seriously eating at him; his brows are drawn and his jaw is clenched, showing in no uncertain terms that at least one of you is upset. upset may not even be the right word. he's starting to look pained, if not anything else. why is he being like this? for the second time tonight, you feel like you're missing something here.

you reach over and gently tap your fingers against his own in a silent request to take his hand. he visibly stalls before tentatively wrapping his pinky around yours. "i really do forgive you, you know." you murmur. "life happens, and sometimes plans don't work out. that's just the way things are."

kazuha sighs, unconvinced by your kindness. "the whole date was my idea." he takes his hand away from yours. "at the very least, i should have contacted you." he looks away from you. "and i know that... that this won't be the last time something like this happens. i don't want to keep disappointing you like this."

there's a hidden weight to his words that you pick up on. it's apparent that he's not telling you something, but it's not like you can just pry it out of him. he's barely listening to you as it is. you find yourself stuck between being flattered that he cares so much and worried that he'll truly never forgive himself for this. what can you do to convince him that you're not mad?

kazuha's shoulders tense and you can see color faintly rising to his cheeks. "and i was going to ask you..." he pauses for a second to look at you. "...something important, but i'm worried that i shouldn't. that i don't deserve to."

...you knew it. you fucking knew it! you see the way he's looking at you — he was totally going to ask you to be his partner. the problem now though, is that he's probably not going to. he's kicking himself while he's down, ruining your relationship before you even had a chance to form one.

it's not hard to see things his way. he's worried that he can't guarantee that he'll be able to confidently make time for you without interruption. it's a legitimate concern — who doesn't worry about this kind of thing? what he needs to hear now is not that everything's okay, but rather that it will be; that you're content with any mistakes he may make; that you're more than willing to take him as he is, urgent issues and all.

again, you knock your fingers on his. this time, you hook two of your fingers on his. "ask me." you tell him.

kazuha frowns slightly. "i don't..."

"do you still want to ask?"

"of course." he pauses to squints at you. "you already know what it is i'm going to ask you, don't you?"

you bite back a grin. "maybe i do, maybe i don't. ask me anyways."

a smile ghosts across his face as his cheeks redden just a little bit more. "i was going to ask if you wanted to... make our relationship official." he looks down at your joined fingers before looking back at you. "and it would mean the world to me if you said—"

"yes."

kazuha takes your hand fully. "i had a feeling you would say that." it's evident in the way he visibly softens and in the way he sighs that he's pleased with your answer (although 'pleased' is far too light a word to describe the pure, raw happiness that overtook his face). maybe you're going crazy, but you think that something akin to love flashes in his eyes. it overwhelms you. he takes your hand fully in his and you feel your own face start to warm just from looking at him.

"i was always going to say yes," you say when you manage to find your voice. "i want to be with you, kazuha."

his expression dims. did you say something wrong? "i want to be with you too," he says as he brings your hand up to cup his face. "but as i said, i may be a disappointment to you. i don't want to hurt you in any way, even if it's by accident."

you brush your thumb over his skin. it's warm to the touch. "you won't hurt me," you say softly. "and a little disappointment won't be the end of the world."

kazuha regards you closely. he looks like he's trying to be at peace with your hand on his face, but the draw in his brows gives away his internal conflict. for a second, you wonder if you're coming off too strong. you like kazuha a lot (it's probably too soon to say the big L word, but it surely doesn't scare you), but you're always afraid that you're either giving too much of yourself, or not enough. your insistence on dating him may be more repulsive than attractive.

"i like you," he suddenly murmurs, "so much."

your chest feels tight and you feel breathless. why did he suddenly say that? "i like you, too," you reply.

kazuha leans in and presses his forehead against yours. you hold your breath as his eyes slip shut. he seems so at peace at this distance, unlike you, who's trying to swallow back your heart that suddenly leaped into your throat. "i'd like to be yours," he says in the space between. "if you'll have me, that is."

you feel so dizzy, so drunk on your giddy emotions. this isn't how you saw tonight playing out at all, but you're not going to complain. "of course," you breathe your response. your voice trembles just a little, giving away your nervousness. "you're all i want."

at that, kazuha kisses you. it's slow and sweet, and also — if memory serves you right — the fifth time he's kissed you. if life were a cartoon, you would probably flushed bright red, lovestruck and dumb; a fool for the man before you. it takes you a second to kiss him back — he pulls away for just a moment but you capture his lips again and drink in the content sigh he rewards you with. this is different from the kisses you've shared before. the others were reserved and almost timid, hesitant kisses shared at the beginning of a new relationship. this kiss becomes intoxicating and gratifying — one you find yourself quickly getting addicted to.

believe it or not though, it's you who pulls away first, your heart stuttering in your chest. you don't go very far, but you turn your head away to try and retain some of your sanity. it's obvious that what you said had quite the effect on kazuha; his fingers come to your jaw and move you gently so that you're facing him again, but he doesn't close the gap. there's another silence before he kisses you once, then twice, before he pulls away and sighs. "if there's anything that i can do to make up for tonight," he says, "tell me. i'll do anything."

there's only one thing you can think of saying. "stay with me tonight." the words come out easily — maybe a little too easily. you fluster and your face heats up considerably as you start to ramble. "i-i mean, um... it's gonna be pouring all night and you clearly don't have an umbrella so i mean, i think you should stay. if you want to, then of course you can stay, but you can say no — i just don't want you to catch a cold, y'know..."

kazuha says nothing; he watches you with thinly veiled amusement in his eyes. "would me staying the night make you happy?"

you groan quietly. "stop enjoying this. you know the answer already."

"i do, i do. you're just really cute when you're embarrassed."

"you know what? forget it. i'm gonna go check on your clothes." you stand abruptly to escape your discomfort, but kazuha takes your hand in his, stopping you with a laugh.

"i'm sorry, dove, i'm sorry." he chuckles as he speaks. he stands and pulls you in by your waist. "i'll stay the night. does that sound good?"

you rest your hands on his shoulders poised to push him away, but think against it. your heart is hammering in your chest. it's hard to be mad at him when he's smiling like that, even if it's at your expense. asking him to stay was a spur of the moment decision, but when you look at him like this, up close, you know that you would've had a hard time letting him go. so... "yeah," you mutter. "sounds good. now will you please let me go and check on your clothes?"

he hums and leans in. his voice is barely above a murmur when he speaks. "one more thing." and for (what you think is) the eighth time since you've started seeing each other, kazuha kisses you, sending pleasure rocketing through your system. it drags on despite you trying to pull away, what with kazuha chasing after your lips with a mischievous smile the entire time.

eventually, you get fed up and hold his face. "knock it off, you." you say once you successfully pull away. "i have things to do."

kazuha, who looks far brighter than he was earlier, lets you go and raises his hands in mock surrender. "alright, alright. go on. i'll be here; i promise."

you open your mouth to say something snide, but quickly shut it. you're floored by just how happy he makes you, even if he can be annoying from time to time. perhaps it's because you're technically in the honeymoon phase, but you know for a fact that his smile is one you'd do anything to protect. becoming his partner is a decision you know you'll never, ever regret, and you're sure of that.

you turn on your heel and start towards the laundry room. "don't miss me too much!" you call over your shoulder. kazuha's quiet laughter follows you out of the room, warming your heart.

✦ [screaming and crying]

✦ I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH KAZUHA WITHDRAWALS FOR DAYS AND THAT'S WHY THERE'S SO MANY KISSES, I'M SO SORRY I'M SUCH A PATHETIC BITCHNDBSDJ

[awlumii]

be still, my heart.

# — pairing: kazuha x gn!reader

# — characters: gender neutral reader, kazuha, lumine, aether

# — summary: you're not really cut out for this whole "matchmaker" deal.

# — warnings: n/a

# — tags: long fic (~9k words), 3+1 format, fluff, angst, misunderstandings, hurt/comfort, (failed) matchmaking, aether & lumine are your best friends

# — notes: finally, finally, finally! i finished a commission! thank you so, so much again to the commissioner; your support means so, so much to me, especially at a time like this. i had a lot of fun writing this :D reblogs and reactions are greatly appreciated, and i really hope you all enjoy! 🥰

wanna join the tag list?

i.

"hey! do you mind if i sit here?"

in hindsight, you should've known right away that that was a stupid question to ask. the café is far from crowded at this time of day. there's a smattering of people sitting at tables and all of them are alone, and there's still an empty table here and there. if you were going to be subtle about wanting to sit near this guy, you should have chosen, say, the empty seat behind him. but thank your lucky stars; the man is kind enough to smile back at you and gesture to the seat across from him.

alright. one foot in the door.

the guy in question is none other than kaedehara kazuha, the english major who's famous for his insightful poetry and exceptional grades. everyone loves this guy, even professors outside of his department. he's not the most social, but he's open to anyone and everyone who happens across him, and it would appear that you are a part of that as well. it's a good thing, too — if he'd secretly been an asshole, you'd have turned tail immediately. of course, that'd only make you look more suspicious than you already do, but that's besides the point.

when you say that everyone loves kazuha, you mean everyone — and that includes your best friend lumine. it just so happens that kazuha is also the object of many people's affections — the perks of being popular, you figure. it came as a real shock to you that lumine was interested in him of all people; you could've sworn she was head over heels for ayaka, the endearing political science and dance double major that she spends a lot of time with. but instead, lumine came to you out of the blue one evening gushing about kazuha.

"wait, wait, wait. are you telling me that you have a crush on him?" you closed your book to gape at lumine, who was sitting across from you with her chin propped in her hand.

lumine nodded. "yeah. what, is that weird or something?"

you raised an eyebrow. "very." you stood up and circled the table to eye her closely. lumine watched you the entire time, her eyes curious. "did you get hurt anywhere? hit your head or something?"

"oh my god, you're ridiculous." lumine pushed you away lightly. "i just think he's... dreamy..?"

"you don't sound too sure about that."

"fuck off, you know i'm not good with this sort of thing." lumine flipped you off. "but you know who is? kazuha." when you scoffed and sat back in your seat, she sighed. "would you stop being an asshole and help me out?"

you opened your book and skimmed the words. "what now? are you gonna tell me to set you up with him or something?" when lumine didn't answer for a few seconds, you froze. you looked up at her with mild horror. "ohh no. fuck no, i am not playing matchmaker. do it yourself."

lumine didn't answer you at that. you knew very well why she didn't do these things herself. you're aware of her reputation on campus; she's not exactly the most popular, but those who do know her know that she can appear rather callous at times. lumine's rough exterior made it difficult for her to branch out, which was probably why she was asking you to begin with. once it occurred to you, you groaned. "fine." you conceded. "but you're doing all the hard work."

lumine's face brightened into a smile you don't think you've ever seen her wear before. "you're the best." she reached across the table and tapped your hand. "seriously."

meanwhile, you'd already started dreading the first interaction you were supposed to have with kazuha. "yeah, yeah," you muttered. "whatever."

because at the end of the day, who are you to question lumine? she's been by your side through thick and thin ever since middle school. she's got your back and you've got hers (and her brother's). you'd do just about anything for her if she asked, no matter how ridiculous it seems. although, you think as you settle in your new seat, this is pretty fucking ridiculous. playing matchmaker is stupid, especially for a guy like kazuha, who has probably had this kind of thing happen to him before. you can only hope that that's not the case.

you pull out a notebook and a pen to start idly writing when you notice that in front of you, kazuha's closed his book. when you look up, you see that he's actually staring at you. what for? "is something wrong?" you ask. "i can move if you want me to; i didn't mean to disturb you."

kazuha shakes his head, his platinum bangs brushing over his forehead. he has a streak of crimson in his hair, you notice. it's kind of cute. in fact, now that you're really looking at him, you can really see why people are so drawn to him. he's very attractive with his kind eyes and almost serene expression. you see his lips moving then and realize that he must have been saying something for a while. shit, were you checking him out just now? did he notice? it's not until his lips stop moving that you realize that you have no idea what he just said. "i'm sorry, i, uh... really should've got some coffee before i sat down. can you say that again?" you give him an apologetic smile in hopes that it'll make him forget that you obviously weren't listening just now.

kazuha actually smiles then. it seems like he's always doing that, really. your ears start to burn; he probably thinks you're ridiculous. "that's alright." he tilts his head to the side slightly and says your name. when you raise your brows, his smile grows. "i figured my guess was correct. you're friends with lumine, aren't you?"

oh, right! duh! how did you already forget your goal? stupid pretty boy and his stupid face. "ah, yeah," you reply. "she's my roommate too, actually."

"i see." kazuha pushes his book to the side and you follow the movement. is he trying to start conversation? this wasn't exactly how you saw this playing out, but hey, that saves you the trouble of coming up with a topic. "how long have you two known each other?"

perfect. you've got him hook, line, and sinker. with lumine as the topic of conversation, you'll have him smitten with her in no time. "since middle school," you say with a smile. "she and aether moved into the house beside mine and my mother tasked me with befriending them. the rest is history, i suppose."

kazuha looks endeared. "the two of them must have been a handful, no?"

you don't miss the playfulness in his tone. yeah, you can really see why people like him. you weren't exactly supposed to get caught in his little web, but here you were, charmed by the guy anyway. at kazuha's request, you divulge a few stories about your history with lumine. you cherry pick stories that are centered around her and leave out the more embarrassing parts (which is difficult since you guys were some embarrassing kids); when this is over, she better love you for talking her up like this.

at some point, kazuha excuses himself for a moment. while you wait, you pull out your phone and text the group chat that you have with lumine and aether.

[ me ]: you owe me your soul after this, bitch

[ lulu☆]: oh my god, did you actually find and talk to him

[ lulu☆]: i didn't think you'd actually do it, help

[ me ]: you asked, didn't you? and i said i would, so

[ lulu☆]: that's not

[ lulu☆]: well..

[ lulu☆]: okay look what did you tell him

[ me ]: don't worry, i didn't embarrass you

[ me ]: ...yet

[ aefer☆]: did you tell him about the time she nearly shit herself because a cat fell out a tree on her head

[ aefer☆]: cause that's funny

[ me ]: shit u're right, i should've mentioned that

[ me ]: but no.. i had to talk her up to impress him

[ aefer☆]: i would've told him. just sayin

[ lulu☆]: i know where you live, bitch

[ aefer☆]: what a coincidence, so do i

[ me ]: okay he's coming back, later losers ♡

[ aefer☆]: make sure to tell him the story!!

you chuckle at your phone before you put it away. when you look up, kazuha is seated in front of you with two cups on the table; one looks to be coffee, while the other seems to be tea — green tea from the smell of it. you blink in surprise and open your mouth, but before you can ask, kazuha explains: "you said you needed coffee and it just so happens that i needed a pick-me-up as well." he gestures to the coffee and gently eases it towards you. "so i took the liberty of getting some for you."

you shake your head quickly. you weren't supposed to be indebted to him! "y-you really shouldn't have!"

kazuha's expression falls a little and you swear you feel your heart tug. "was that too forward of me? my apologies, i..."

fuck, you can't have him looking so downcast. you try to cover up your flustered state with a grateful smile. "no, no, i mean-- thank you, really, but you're too kind. how much was it? at least let me pay you back."

"there's no need," he says. "i got it because i wanted to. and what better need to celebrate a new friend than over a drink they enjoy?"

you blink twice. once because you're surprised he considers you a friend already, and twice because if you're not mistaken, kazuha looks... sheepish. you stare at him just a moment longer and this time it's him who breaks eye contact as he moves to sip from his tea. confused, you drink from the coffee he got for you. the second the flavor hits your tongue, you make a noise of surprise. "this is.." you mutter.

"ah." kazuha sets down his own drink. "i'm sorry, i forgot to explain. i wasn't quite sure how you took your coffee, so i guessed. it's not bad, is it?" he actually looks worried. "should i take it back for you?"

"no, no, it's not bad, it's..." it's perfect, you think. this is exactly how you order your coffee every time. how did he guess this well? your order isn't exactly standard; it would take some serious thinking to get it down to a T. "it's great," you finish your sentence. "thank you so much."

relief settles on kazuha's face. "that's good." he sets his tea aside and keeps his attention on you. "would it be too forward of me to ask if you have any more stories to share? they're quite interesting."

right. shit. you're here to play matchmaker. this is the second time you've forgotten your goal. you put your coffee to the side and launch into another story that you'd thankfully lined up in case he wanted to keep the conversation going. kazuha listens attentively; his eyes are on you the entire time and his usual smile grows wider each time you giggle when you remember something funny.

he's very easy to talk to, you think. you wouldn't mind doing this over and over. this is a win-win situation for you and lumine; she'll get a boyfriend, and you'll have a new friend.

(you won't realize it just yet, but the skip in your pulse each time kazuha laughs is far from platonic.)

ii.

it's nice to have a new addition to the group — really, it is — but does he really need to be invited everywhere?

lately, whenever you, aether, and lumine go out as a trio, kazuha ends up receiving an invite as well. sometimes he gets the invite from you, but every other time, it seems to be coming from lumine. it's a little irritating, honestly. not because kazuha is annoying, no — he's the furthest thing from it. if anything, he's the most soothing person you've ever known (amongst other things). no, what's annoying is that lumine seems to be taking charge of this whole matchmaking thing herself, which leaves you without an objective. because really, if she's gonna make sure he's around all the time, then what did she have you get involved for?

take now, for example. the four of you are in an arcade celebrating the end of midterm season, and when you entered, you decided that you'd be split into pairs — you with aether, and lumine with kazuha. you and aether complained when lumine suggested bringing kazuha along on the grounds that the two of you would be third wheeling. so she suggested splitting into groups.

for some reason, the initial pairing put you with kazuha. not like you're one to complain — you love the time you spend with him. but seeing as how you spend a couple hours every day chatting him up in that café, you think you can do without him for a few hours today. you said as much when the first pairs were decided on.

"aw, you'll hurt his feelings!" aether said with a chuckle. "don't you wanna be around your new friend for a while?"

before you spoke, you stole a peek at kazuha who looked... a little hurt. you thought you were imagining it since he was smiling along with the joke, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. regret started to claw at your throat and you tried to take it back, but kazuha spoke before you could.

"i'm more than happy to spend time with lumine," he said. "we don't spend much time together as it is."

your fingers slow to a stop on the game you're playing. do kazuha and lumine really not spend time together? that was the whole reason you spent time with him — to get him more motivated to speak to her in the first place. was he still too shy to speak to her? no, you think as you pick up the game. he wouldn't have jumped at the opportunity to be with her tonight if he was really shy. besides, shy just isn't kazuha's character; he has moments where he's a little hesitant, but he's certainly not the shy type.

then why weren't they together more often? you feel confused for a moment, but then it hits you — you've been taking up kazuha's time, not her.

there's no reason why you should be in that café for so long with kazuha. your mission was simple: get him interested in lumine, get them to hang out, and then watch the rest unfold. but instead, you've been hogging all his time, talking about topics that had nothing to do with this whole matchmaking situation to begin with.

you swear lowly when your character dies on screen. if anyone is to blame for the lack of progress being made, it's kazuha. he's the one who's always asking off-topic questions when you meet up. specifically, he would coax you into talking about yourself somehow. how he does that, you're not sure, but you hate it. he's making this difficult!

oh, your mind just can't stop running. kazuha's making everything so complicated! why did he look so dejected when he said you wanted to hang with someone else? why does he want to know so much about you? why does he smile so brightly when he sees you in passing? why isn't he sticking to lumine's side? is he even going to make a move? is that why he jumped at the chance to do so today? why didn't he do so earlier, and why in the fuck does your chest hurt right now?!

"if you hold the controls any harder, i think they're gonna break."

aether's voice suddenly appears to your left, startling you. you let go of the controls in your shock and soon after, a fluorescent red 'game over' appears on the screen. you glare at him and punch his arm. "you asshole, you made me lose the game." you hiss.

aether's lips curve into a cheeky smile. "actually, you were already losing. you kinda suck at this game."

"i don't, i just..." you sigh and look at the screen. "i was just thinking about something else."

"now are you making an excuse, or were you really distracted this whole time?" aether asks. when you struggle to come up with a response, he rests a hand on your shoulder. you don't look at him, though. you're too busy trying to figure out why your throat feels like it's closing. aether calls your name once, then twice. you still don't answer. just when you think he's given up, he drapes an arm over your shoulder and pulls you to him. "how about we go get something to drink?" he finally suggests. "it's been a while."

you look at him and for a split second notice how blurry he is. you blink a few times and it goes away. weird. you still can't really form words, so you nod and allow aether to whisk you away from your game.

once you're seated with your drink, you let your mind go off the rails. why does the thought of kazuha asking lumine out bother you so much? that's literally why you became friends with him in the first place, no? you're supposed to be relieved — once they start dating, you can wash your hands of this whole ordeal and be on your merry way. at least, that's the plan... right?

"we came out here to stop thinking," aether speaks up. "but you look like you're still studying. what're you thinking so hard about?"

you open your mouth to explain yourself but quickly shut it. you can't just tell lumine's brother that you're having second thoughts about getting her a boyfriend! best friends or not, his first priority is his sister's happiness; if you back out, you'll definitely have to face aether's wrath later. yet still, you want nothing more than to unload these confusing emotions onto aether's shoulders — you need to explain yourself or else you feel like you're going to pop.

you feel crazy. are you crazy? you think you're going crazy. and dammit, why does your throat still feel so tight?

after a few seconds pass, you decide to bite the bullet. you hate to toss aether in the middle like this, but who else are you going to tell this to? kazuha? yeah, fuck that. "it's... about kazuha." you rasp. you take a sip of your drink.

for some reason, aether sits up a bit straighter. you don't recognize the look he's giving you. maybe intrigued is the right word? "yeah?" he leans his chin in his hand. "what about him?"

"i think... i think i fucked up somewhere." you feel a little lighter now that you've gotten that out. that's the heart of the problem... you think.

"how? he's spending time with lumine, isn't he?"

"yeah, now he is. didn't you hear him earlier? he said that they didn't spend much time together."

"aaaand..?"

"what do you mean and? they're supposed to be together all the time!" you scoff. "i tell him about her like, every day, and yet they're still so stiff around each other whenever we all meet up!" a thought occurs to you, then. the four of you hung out all the time, but each time, you were in a group. "wait, do they never actually hang out outside of our outings?"

aether's frowning a little at you. surely he understands what you're talking about, right? "you think that that's weird?" he asks.

you throw your hands up in frustration. "yes, that's weird! god, why am i even doing this if he's just gonna hang out with me instead of--" you shut your mouth.

intrusive thoughts are funny little things. soft as they may be, they leave ripples in your mind. and those ripples grow bigger and bigger as they spread, reaching the far corners of your brain until they become all you can think about. yours are pretty out there: what if i tripped and fell right now? or what if i'm reading the stop signal wrong and i walk into traffic by accident? they make you reconsider your every move, make you see reality in a different light. these particular thoughts, however, send you spiraling.

what if kazuha likes me? becomes: what if i like kazuha? which eventually turns into: i do like kazuha.

"oh." you mumble. "shit."

"i feel like you just had a revelation without me, and i'm feeling very out of the loop right now." aether gestures between the two of you. "are we on the same page right now?"

"god, i hope not." you groan and push your face into your hands. this is the fucking worst. it's supposed to be the worst, anyway — for some reason, you feel the urge to smile. feelings are strange like that, huh? you realize that you have a big crush on the guy you're supposed to be setting your best friend up with and yet you want to smile — you want to take a breath of fresh air, like this is a good thing. "aether, i'm a horrible fucking person." you laugh derisively. "the fucking worst."

aether, who'd been sitting across from you this whole time, moves to sit next to you. when you finally look at him, you see that he's frowning, his face marred by confusion and worry. "as much as we like to joke about it, i can't read your mind. you need to tell me what's up."

"...promise you won't hate me?"

"why would i ever?" aether looks at you like you slapped him. dork.

you smile, but it doesn't last very long. "i just, uh... realized something."

"would you quit being suspenseful and get to the point?"

fine. you decide to let it all out. "i like kazuha, aether. there. i like him a fucking lot. he's really pretty and he's kind, he spends time with me every day, even when he's busy; he holds my hand sometimes when we talk and i swear, i feel like i can fucking fly whenever he does, and i..." you take a deep breath. "i'm a fucking moron because i'm letting down lumine. she's supposed to be with him, not me. i have to let this go."

aether's silent. you feel your throat tighten up again and immediately recognize the feeling — you want to fucking cry, dammit. you're a terrible fucking friend, and that's exactly what aether's about to say--

"you need to tell her," he says seriously. "and you need to do it now before things get worse."

that's... not the reaction you were expecting. "aren't you mad at me? i-i'm supposed to be helping out your sister but i'm--"

"falling in love." aether finishes for you. you try to deny it, but he's not hearing it. "trust me, it'll get to that point soon enough. you can't wait until then -- you have to say something. please," he implores you, "for your own good."

you want to say that you shouldn't do anything to benefit yourself, not when you've fucked up so majorly, but you hold your tongue. you really don't know what to do now. how are you supposed to look kazuha in the face after this? you were always enjoying yourself when you were around him, but now you understand that you enjoyed yourself far too much. he's supposed to be with lumine and he's--

a sudden call of your name has you snapping your head up. in front of you is none other than kazuha and lumine.

speak of the fucking devil and he will appear.

the two of them are wearing matching smiles and carrying four plushies from the prize counter. they look so... happy. all at once, you cram your raging emotions into a box and shove them into the furthest corner of your mind. that can wait -- what's important now is these two lovebirds and the rest of the evening. you ease away from aether and sit up straighter, plastering a friendly smile on your face. "did you two kids have fun?" you ask.

(beside you, aether's frown deepens.)

"i learned quite a few things while playing with lumine tonight." kazuha is the first to speak. he adjusts the two plushies in his arms and looks over to lumine. "the most important thing being that she's amazing at video games."

lumine sniffs proudly. "he's the one who didn't believe me when i said i would kick his ass at anything we tried. aether and i used to play games like these all the time when we were kids. but," she nudges kazuha's shoulder affectionately, "you put up a good fight. i respect the effort, but better luck next time."

"i'll keep that in mind." kazuha chuckles.

next time, he said. there's going to be a next time. they're going to go on a date. you giggle softly despite yourself. now's not the time. not when they look so happy. you feel aether pinch your arm, but you swat him away subtly. "that's good to hear." you say. "is there something else you guys wanna do tonight?" you hold your breath, hoping they say no.

fortunately (or unfortunately), aether cuts in. "actually, lumine, wait." he doesn't say anything else after that, but judging by lumine's expression, you wonder if they're doing that twin communication thing. you've always wondered what that's like, having another half. aether and lumine are always sharing information over everyone's heads -- sometimes, you wish they'd include you.

lumine nods after a second. they must have finished their psychic conversation. "actually, aether and i have to head back." she shrugs one shoulder. "something came up."

kazuha's brows knit with concern. "is everything alright?"

"yeah, aether has to take a shit or something. i don't know." lumine is suddenly hit in the face with a wadded up napkin while you poorly stifle a laugh. she doesn't retaliate the same way she normally would, but she does shoot aether a glare that could probably melt steel beams. "anyway," she smooths her expression over and looks straight at you. "are you two gonna be okay alone? because this is kind of urgent."

wait. shit. fuck, no, no, no! she can't leave you with kazuha! why is she trying to leave you with kazuha?!

words fail you in this moment; you open and close your mouth a few times as you struggle to find the right words. there's so much going on in your head; you could say yes and have some alone time with kazuha, but lumine is supposed to be the one having alone time with kazuha, not you! if you say no, then kazuha might look like a kicked puppy again, and you don't want to see him looking so sad, dammit! but then again, if you say yes, you could interrogate him and find out why he and lumine haven't hung out often, right? but--

"we should be fine." kazuha speaks before you can, leaving you floored. "i'll see them home when we're finished here."

well, there goes your internal conflict. it's too late to back out now. you put on a brave face and hope that neither lumine nor aether can see through it. "i'll see if i can keep that winning streak for you, lumine." you say.

kazuha chuckles quietly. "is that a challenge i hear?"

god... damn him. "it sure is." you play along and give him a grin.

all your years of friendship must have meant nothing, because lumine doesn't pick up on your silent distress signals. she and aether say quick goodbyes before turning and heading home, leaving you with kazuha. once the twins are gone, you hop to your feet. since there's no one here to save you, you may as well dive in head first. "so," you say with a sigh, "which game do you want to play first?"

rather than suggest a game, kazuha shakes his head. "we don't have to play a game if you don't want to." like always, he tilts his head to the side just a little. he's so endearing. "you don't seem like you want to play anymore. am i correct?"

"i..." you deflate a little. "yeah, you're right. i'm sorry. i don't want to bore you or anything, but i just don't have it in me anymore."

thankfully, kazuha doesn't pry. he pushes one of the plushies in your direction. you'd actually forgotten he was holding it. it's a little penguin with a frog hat on — absolutely adorable. the other penguin that he's holding has a dinosaur hat. were they a matching set?

you don't take the plushy right away, which prompts kazuha to speak. he shifts his stance a little bit and... maybe it's just the trick of the light — it is quite dark in here — but you think you can see his cheeks turning color. "this is for you," he says. in an uncharacteristic moment of shyness, he suddenly backtracks. "only if you want it, of course. i won't push it on you, but... i figured that you might like it."

you blink a few times. you kick yourself and reach out to take the penguin — it's soft to the touch and the perfect size for hugging. you hold the thing gingerly in your arms and stare at it for a moment. did he really get this for you? or did he get this for lumine? maybe she didn't want it and that's why he's giving it to you; yeah, that has to be it. but just to be sure, you look up at kazuha, hoping you're not smiling as widely as you think you are. "you really didn't have to. why're you so nice to me, huh?"

you foolishly asked that as a joke, but this time, you're absolutely sure kazuha's face starts to redden. it's hidden by the lights of the games around you, but even in this dim lighting, you know what you saw. he doesn't look too fazed by it, though. "must there be a reason?" he asks in return.

you know what? no. some things are better left unexplained. you shake your head and hug the penguin close. "thank you, kazuha." you think you're going to explode. "really. i love it."

"i'm glad," kazuha says. and boy, does he look the part. the relief on his face is palpable. for someone with such an even expression, he sure is easy to read when he's nervous. what he's nervous about, you have no idea. but he's also really fucking cute. he shifts on his feet and breaks eye contact after a beat of silence. "why don't we get you home?" he suggests. "it's probably late at night."

ah. well, there goes your excitement. he just wants to get rid of you now, huh? for someone who's not supposed to like him, you sure do have pretty intense mood swings when he's involved. you agree and the two of you head outside and start towards your home.

the walk home is slow and silent, and kazuha's walking close by your side. you'd think of something to say, but it's a very comfortable silence — with you hugging the plushie that he got for you in one arm, you don't see any reason to speak. it's not like this is abnormal, anyway; he's seen you home many times before. you hazard a glance at kazuha after a moment to find scarlet eyes already focused on you. you look away in a hurry, as does he. weird.

even weirder still, you feel kazuha's fingers knock against yours. are you two really walking that close together? you flinch away from his touch like he'd burned you. "i'm sorry." he apologizes right away.

"no, it's okay." you reassure him. to make him believe you, you put your hand back where it was. it's not until you do that you realize that that wasn't the first time your hands have touched. you soon find that that wasn't the last, either; once more, kazuha's fingers knock against yours. you don't move away this time, instead opting to knock back. you swear you can hear him chuckle when you do, but maybe you're just imagining things.

a few more seconds pass and you feel kazuha's fingers intertwining with yours, and for a second, your mind completely stops. tonight was moving so fast — first you realize that you're a goner for kazuha, then he gifts you a plushie, and then he's holding your hand? what is happening right now? and why aren't you pulling away?

you should pull away, you have to, but... you can't bring yourself to. your fingers lock with kazuha's one by one until eventually, you're completely holding his hand. he's so warm, you think. he always is. the walk home remains silent, and you and kazuha exchange playful squeezes every so often.

(to make yourself feel better, you tell yourself that this is just you training him for when he starts dating lumine. maybe that will ease your conscience.)

iii.

so you're in love with kazuha. big fucking surprise there.

you quickly realized that you were doomed from the moment you met. not that it was love at first sight, but he charmed you right away. he was the one who had you hook, line, and sinker from the very start. it doesn't help that he became a permanent addition to your friend group; you're forced to face him and your feelings just about every single day. you're reminded every day of how much of a weakling you are when it comes to him. you hold his hand, you share food with him, you sleep with the plushie he gave you, you borrow his sweaters... you're a fucking mess.

it's agonizing. you were supposed to be helping lumine and kazuha get together, but you grew too greedy and inserted yourself into a position that wasn't meant for you. you try every day to rationalize with yourself and aay that the two of you are just really close friends, but friends don't think about each other the way you think about him. even worse was that you couldn't tell lumine about it — the only person who knew of your feelings was aether, and he gave you shit about it whenever he could.

come clean, he says. stop lying to yourself, he says. to that, you have to laugh. if it were that easy to rid yourself of this situation, you would've done it months ago.

there's only one solution to this problem, and that's to avoid kazuha like the plague.

it makes sense, right? just ignore it until it goes away? because there's no other way for you to get over this. you're starting to dream about kazuha; about kissing him, about holding him in your arms, about being with him. so maybe if you see him less, the thoughts will go away.

it starts with you not going to the café anymore. when kazuha texted you and asked why you hadn't been showing up, you brushed it off with a lie, saying that you found a place with better coffee. he asked what the place was called, but you left him on read. (a very adult move.)

then, you stopped making eye contact whenever you passed by him. it was hard for a few days since you missed seeing his eyes light up whenever he saw you, but you had to be strong. you're better than this, dammit. don't think about how dejected he might look when he realizes that you're avoiding him — don't you do it!

after that, you stopped going out with the twins if kazuha was going. every time they suggest something, your first question is if he is going to be there. if the answer is yes, you make up an excuse to stay home. lumine was really fucking upset with you for bailing because of some petty argument that she thought you two had, but when she pieced it together that you weren't going to budge, she gave up trying. (man, you wish it was just some argument — disputes can be solved. not feelings.)

lastly, you straight up walked away from him if he approached you. you wouldn't just ignore his presence, of course — you're an asshole, not a monster — but if he tried to make conversation, you would cut it short and hightail it out of there.

"it's been a few weeks since we've talked." kazuha sounded so pleased when he managed to stop you one day. you didn't know why you let him catch up to you, but once he got to you, you couldn't just up and leave. so you decided to hear him out. "have you been well?"

no, you wanted to say. not in the fucking slightest. but you're grown — fake it 'till you make it, baby. you nodded and gave him your best smile. "yeah. better than usual, actually."

you watched kazuha's face fall ever so slightly. he was quick to fix his mistake; his usual smile returned to his face in an instant. if you were anyone else, you wouldn't have noticed. but you noticed. you'll always notice. "i see." he said. "that's good to hear."

because you didn't want to be subject to his quickly declining mood, you excused yourself. "i gotta run, but i'll see you some other time, okay?" you said. (like a liar.)

anyone could have seen the glimmer of hope that appeared in kazuha's eyes. "of course. be safe, please." he gave you a little wave as you took off.

after about three weeks of not seeing kazuha, you think yourself to be cured. huzzah, it worked! sure, you're still daydreaming about him, but it's not as vivid if you can't see him every day! he hasn't texted you or approached you outside in a couple days which, admittedly, stung like hell, but it's for the better. kazuha can focus on lumine without you in the way, and you can move on with your life.

you spend most of your time in the library these days. lumine's been super pissed at you lately — probably because of the whole kazuha thing, but you're not sure why she wants you to spend time with him so badly. to avoid potential conflict, you hole yourself up in here. being surrounded by books (reminds you of kazuha) makes you feel at peace; it's so quiet in here, which makes it easy to focus on work (which in turn helps you stop thinking about kazuha).

the library is empty today, save for a few people seated at the tables on the other side of the building. you're standing in front of a bookshelf skimming through a book when you suddenly hear a soft whisper of your name. thinking it's aether, you prepare a shitty excuse for why you're not home, but when you see who it is, your blood goes cold.

it's kazuha. you haven't seen him in three whole weeks.

you swallow back your apprehension as best you can. "hey, what's up?" you try to remain as casual as possible. "do you need one of the books behind me?"

kazuha's brows draw in a little. "are you asking that so you can make your escape?" his comment is a little pointed — so pointed, in fact, that you visibly wince and give yourself away. he sighs when you do. "i was hoping that i wouldn't be correct. have i done something wrong?"

that's just like him — straight to the point. you flounder for an answer. "of course not." you shake your head.

"then is it alright if i ask why you've been avoiding me?"

"what? why would i do that?" your eyes slowly drift to the side. you're not too fond of all the attention you're getting right now.

"you can never make eye contact when you're hiding something." kazuha walks closer to you, but you keep your eyes on something else. "you won't even look at me. i must have done something to cause this."

no, no, no, he's blaming himself! stop him! you force yourself to make eye contact with him, but wither under his stare. you look away again and your face starts to grow hot. "you didn't do anything, kazuha," you say honestly. "i promise. "i've just been busy, that's all."

kazuha doesn't back down. "i've heard from lumine that you've been spending time here instead of at your home. she's worried about you. she-- i'm worried about you."

"don't do that," you blurt. you're starting to breathe a little faster, you notice. "stop worrying about me. you shouldn't." kazuha starts to retort, but you cut him off with a shake of your head. you turn around and put the book back in it's place. "look, i need to go. please move."

you never wanted to be so forceful with him — so cold. but what else can you do when cornered like this? he's desperate and you can tell, but so are you. you don't want to confront your feelings anymore. you just can't. you're tired of feeling like a shitty person for being in love. this is the only way you can make it stop.

kazuha doesn't make it easy for you, though. when you try to move away, he steps closer, invading your space. "if there's something wrong, you would tell me, right?" his voice is so soft, so mellow. it's like a hug, which you could really use right about now. normally, you'd get that from kazuha, but well... you don't answer him, nor do you look at him. kazuha then takes your chin in his fingers and gently makes you face him. "would you please look at me?"

your eyes land on him and it's like the world's faded away. there's so much rolling off of him at once; unease, comfort, and suspicion all hit you at the same time, and it overwhelms you. you don't like how tender this moment feels. he's so close — too close. you can smell maple and cedar, and not because you're wearing his sweater (which you didn't realize until just now). autumnal eyes threaten to take you under and you feel your eyes start to sting. "kazuha, let go." your voice wavers and your heart throbs. "please."

you wish you could read his mind. his eyes search your face, though you're not sure what for. the seconds of silence that tick by are excruciating, but when they finally come to an end, kazuha lets you go. his hand falls to his side and he steps away with a bitter smile. "i'm sorry. i fear i may have made the problem worse."

that's putting it lightly. you step around him wordlessly, but before you can get too far, kazuha catches your hand in his, stopping you. you don't turn around. you can't.

"i miss you." kazuha speaks at a whisper, a volume so low that you shouldn't have been able to hear it. but you heard it. whenever he speaks, you listen with your entire being.

he lets you go after a few more seconds and you take the opportunity to grab what stuff you have and make a beeline for the exit. you fumble for the doorknob on the way out; your vision is too blurred by tears for you to make it out properly. you manage, and you set off towards home, where you're going to ignore lumine yet again and mope in your room.

(and as you cry to yourself that evening, you can only think of the way you saw kazuha's eyes fall to your lips as he held you in place. you think of how badly you wanted to confess everything to him and clear the air for good, but you also remember what you were tasked with. this is for the better, you tell yourself. this is for the better.)

iv.

kazuha should have never agreed to this.

honestly, what was he thinking? why did he allow lumine to play matchmaker? he has two legs and a functioning mouth; he could have walked up to you and started a conversation himself, no problem. things would have been so much easier if he had just swallowed his pride and spoken to you like a normal adult. but no, he just had to go along with this idea.

in retrospect, it seemed like a good idea. but perhaps he's been reading too many novels. meeting through a mutual friend is a lovely concept, but it would appear that it only works in fictional worlds. he'd hoped to just spend time with you through lumine, but somehow, you got the wrong idea and started trying to push him onto her, which made no sense. and not only did it not make sense, but it completely backfired — you're absolutely miserable now and so is he.

kazuha's not an idiot. he knows that you have feelings for him. and the only reason he knows is because you seemingly reciprocated when he approached you romantically. he thought he was being obvious — giving you a plushie, holding your hand, lending you his sweaters, resting his head on your shoulder during movie nights... you accepted it all. he wasn't being subtle at all, right?

so then how? how on earth did things end up like this? he asks lumine as much when they meet up a few mornings later.

"they've been ignoring me too," lumine grumbles, "you aren't special."

right, because that helps. kazuha buries his hand in his hair. "every time i try to talk to them, they manage to slip through my fingers."

lumine frowns at him. "are they actually slipping away, or are you letting them get away?" he must take too long to answer, because she tuts at him. "if this is because you don't want to overwhelm them, then you're being stupid. they're overwhelming themself with this whole... thing, okay?"

but he's too much for you, he wants to say. every time he comes around you, you look about ready to explode. you look so torn, and he hates it. he just wants you to smile at him again. "at the very least, i want to repair our friendship." he sighs. it hurts to even think about keeping you at a distance, but if that's what it takes for you to come back, then... "they cried on their way out of the library the other day."

lumine's expression falls. he's never seen her look so saddened before. "yeah, i heard."

"you heard?"

"our walls may be thick, but our doors aren't." she grimaces. "the sniffing told me all i needed to know."

there's a tense silence. neither of them know what to say because in the end, this is their fault. this whole misunderstanding and your pain? that's on them. if they want to solve this--

"you have to confess." lumine voices kazuha's thoughts out loud. "that's literally the only way this is gonna stop."

while kazuha acknowledges that she's correct, there's two ways that this could go. you would either: a) accept his confession, start dating him, get married someday, and live happily ever after, or b) turn him down and hate him for causing this whole misunderstanding, leaving the two of you to be miserable forever. either way, life as he knows it now is going to end — how it ends is purely up to you.

kazuha agrees to do so and asks lumine for your whereabouts. despite not being on talking terms for a while, she still knows where you are. (it's how we care for each other, she explains.) as he walks, he lets his head fill with thoughts of you.

unsurprisingly, you're all he's been thinking about. you're all he ever thinks about, really. he thinks about the way you tried to hide your joy when he gave you that plushie in the arcade that day; the way you flustered every time he "jokingly" kissed your hand; the way you seemed to melt into his clothes whenever you wore them; the way you seemed to read his mind whenever you couldn't help but stare at him, the way you would smile when he felt warm at having been caught staring back.

he huffs a laugh to himself. it's hilarious how after all that, you still thought that he liked lumine instead of you. honestly; you two have nearly kissed several times, and yet you think he liked someone else? your mind will never cease to amaze him, beautiful and strange as it is.

kazuha comes to a halt under a canopy of trees with bright red leaves. the change in seasons has turned the campus into a beautiful landscape; all of the usual resting spots were less inhabited by others, which made them the perfect escape for people like him. you're seated on a bench underneath those trees with your nose buried in a book and, if he squints, he thinks you're wearing his scarf. you're exactly where lumine said you would be. perfect.

deciding not to wait until his nerves get the best of him, kazuha approaches you and sits a little ways away from you on the bench. right away, he notices the way you go completely still, your shoulders visibly stiffening. he sighs internally. how should he speak in order to not scare you away? it's a miracle you haven't just up and walked off, actually.

"...why are you here, kazuha?" you ask flatly. you sound like you're holding something back. "what do you want?"

"you're not going to leave?" he asks in return.

you shake your head. "i don't see the point in running from you anymore."

so you finally admit that you were running. it'd be humorous if it didn't sting so bad. "you're going to listen to what i have to say?" he asks again for good measure. when you nod again, kazuha takes a steadying breath. he just needs to get it out there. he needs to let you know. it shouldn't be hard — it's not hard. he may as well have told you already with the way he treats you. just say it.

and say it he does. "i'm in love with you."

immediately, you rise to your feet. kazuha balls one hand into a fist as he fights the urge to pull you back down. if you want to leave, then so be it. he told you, and that's all he can do; whether or not you believe him is purely up to you. you stay standing for a while, and he can see you clenching and unclenching your fists over and over, but eventually, you sit back down. you rest your book to the side and put a hand over your eyes.

"are you alright?" kazuha dares to ask.

you laugh humorlessly. "of course not. you're not supposed to like me, kazuha. please don't do this." you start to bounce your leg rapidly. "take it back, or... or something. just don't get my hopes up."

he scoots closer to you cautiously. when you don't back away, he keeps moving until your shoulders are touching. he calls your name softly and you shake your head sharply. "stop saying my name like that. would you stop being so... so nice to me? i'm gonna get the wrong idea."

"you're not getting the wrong idea," kazuha keeps his voice low. "i'm telling you the truth. and the truth is that i'm in love with you." he rests his hand over your free hand on the bench. "is that wrong of me?"

"yes! i mean-- no? ugh, fuck you." you sniff and swipe your hand over your face. kazuha tries to get a good look at you, but you turn your head away, keeping him from doing so.

"i'm in the wrong." you finally say after a while. "i was supposed to-- you and lumine were supposed to be a thing, not-- not us. but i... fuck," you pause for a second to sniff. "i fell in love with you anyways, and i just feel like a terrible person, okay? i ignored you because i wanted to just... stop feeling like shit, i guess. i wanted to forget about you and this stupid deal that i made with lumine and--"

kazuha taps the underside of your chin twice. you take a moment to collect yourself and slowly turn to look at him. "what do you want?" you ask. it's spoken harshly, but there's no bite to your words.

"did you forget?" he asks.

"wh-- no. god, no. i could never." you give him a wry smile. "unfortunately, you're all i think about, so no. you didn't let me forget. thanks for that, by the way."

one more time, kazuha thinks. just one more. "i love you." he says.

your lashes flutter and your face warms. "i love you too, kazuha. but-- mmh--"

that's all kazuha needed to hear. he leans in and kisses you, silencing your thoughts. he hears you sigh into the kiss and you start to kiss back, but he pulls away slightly before you can. "can you say it again?" he murmurs against your lips. "one more time."

your breathing is shaky, but you speak anyways. "i love you."

kazuha kisses you again. "once more, petal. please."

"you're so greedy," you chuckle shakily. "i lov-- mmf--" kazuha kisses you again but you pull back with a laugh. "at least let me finish my sentence--"

"no." kazuha drinks in your laugh when he kisses you this time, his skin singing at the contact. he's wanted to this for so long -- wanted to kiss you silly and hear you laugh. you're all he's wanted this whole time, and he's not going to pass up this opportunity to let you know. each time you try to speak, kazuha kisses you to shut you up. and each time, it makes you smile wider. you kiss until you can't anymore — you're both smiling much too wide.

"do you still think you're not supposed to be with me?" he asks cheekily.

your face doesn't fall at his question. that spark that your eyes held a few weeks prior is back and brighter than before. you look renewed — you're glowing. while basking in your glow, kazuha wonders if he is, too. you lean in and kiss him quick, resting your forehead on his when you pull away. "don't ask stupid questions." you chuckle. "i said i loved you, didn't i?"

kazuha hums. "and i said the same. so what now?"

"i dunno." you sigh and lean away. "we tell lumine, i guess?"

he squeezes your hand. "about us?"

you nod. "about us."

(when you get home and tell her later, she yells: "fucking finally!" and pulls you in for a hug.)

✦ *bows* and that's what i call a job well done.

✦ seriously, i hope you guys liked it 🥰

[awlumii]

# — pairing: abyss prince!aether x gn!reader

# — characters: gender neutral reader, abyss prince!aether

# — warnings: n/a

# — tags: fluff, a gentle sprinkle of angst, kissing, zuzu's got a problem

# — notes: i stand before you, my hands in the air, ready to receive punishment for writing about kissing AGAIN. i didn't even title this bitch. ('cause i fuckin' suck at titling.) also, thanks again to hori @kazu-sun for pre-reading this :( <3 anyways, reblogs and reactions are greatly appreciated and i hope you enjoy!

wanna join the tag list?

✧ — ⛅️ — ✧

to the prince of the abyss, kissing you is a reward that he doesn't feel he deserves.

he believes that his hands are too dirty, too unclean to hold you in his arms at all. he's killed people, gods, monsters and more, all to reach a goal that doesn't seem within his reach anymore. your presence in his life is not unwanted, but he does question it often. he mostly keeps the questions to himself so as not to upset you with their frequency, but every day he asks himself how and why you're still by his side when he's... well, him.

the prince's duties keep him apart from you for days on end. for days, he is strategizing and convening with the few people who remain of the homeland. he's pulled hither and thither from one battlefield to the next, leaving a trail of blood in his wake. usually, after two days have passed, he starts to wonder if you're still in the palace. you were permitted to roam the palace grounds as you pleased, but he wonders if you grew tired of waiting and left altogether. he wonders if you encountered a nice adventurer on your travels, one you could truly connect with. the very thought of you finding another sickens him, but if you were happy — if someone was treating you the way you were meant to be treated, then...

aether entertains the thought as he stands outside the entrance to his chambers. he was gone for a week this time. he hesitates, too worried to step inside and find the room empty. out of all of the things that haunt him at night, of all the things that torment him, the fear of losing you is the one that terrifies him the most. he wants to treat you better — it's not like he harms you, but his long absences and short periods of free time must surely be enough to make you want to leave, no? aether heaves a silent sigh and steels himself. if you're gone, then that's the way it has to end. you would be happier elsewhere.

but when he opens the door there, sitting on his bed, is none other than you. your nose had been in a book mere seconds ago, but now you're looking up at him. your eyes brighten with recognition and what aether dimly recognizes as pure, unadulterated joy at the sight of him. he's so confused that he doesn't even register your call of his name — you're just suddenly in front of him, throwing your arms around him and burying your face in his shoulder in a tight embrace. he hugs you back lightly. "you're... still here." he says, dumbfounded.

you look up from his shoulder with disbelief painting your features. "of course i am! where else would i be?" you say nothing as you scan his face. he may be good at keeping his expressions and emotions in check, but it doesn't take you longer than a few seconds to figure out exactly what he's thinking. "aether, i'm not going anywhere." you say firmly. "i'm not leaving you."

why? almost slips out of him. because in the end, he told his sister that when he's finished all that he needs to do, he will leave this world with her and finally resume their travels. in the end, he will leave you if you don't wish to come along. and there's nothing here for you but darkness. why do you insist on being so close to him when--

soft lips press against his cheek suddenly, cutting his thoughts short. you pull back with a warm smile. "you're thinking too much." you raise your hand to smooth your thumb over the crease between his brows. "i'm serious. i'm not leaving. ever."

"but..."

you kiss him again, this time covering his mouth with your own. he startles adorably, making you giggle. no one will ever know just how easy it is to fluster the prince of the abyss. you pull away before he can think of kissing you back. "welcome home, aether." you murmur. "i missed you."

aether blinks a few times at you. you can't read his mind, but you can think of a few things that he could be thinking about. he's much more simple than you initially thought he was; given a little time, he becomes easy to read. right now, you can bet that he's doing battle with himself. perhaps he's debating whether or not he should turn down your kindness or not. not wanting to hear him do so, you take his hand and lead him over to the bed. you sit on it and pat the space close to you until he does as well. "will you tell me about your mission this time?" you ask softly.

golden eyes shift away from you briefly. so no then. you don't mind it much. he's told you before that if he tells you of his duties, he'd be endangering you. you trust his words, but you figure that there's no harm in asking since he was gone for so long. you take his hand into your lap and toy with his fingers. they're calloused and warm, and you wonder if he knows that he carries the aura of starlight. "i missed you so much," you mumble. you bring his hand up to cup your face and lean into his touch. "you didn't get hurt anywhere, did you?"

finally, aether responds. he shakes his head. "not really, no." he presses his lips together for a moment. "i... tried my best to be careful. for you."

your heart swells. he's always gone out of his way to do things to make you feel at ease, even in such a bleak place. "thank you." your words are light, spoken with a breath of relief.

silence follows. you and aether just stare at each other for a moment, the two of you exchanging silent words of adoration. then, to your surprise, aether leans forward. he brushes his thumb over your cheek and you raise your eyebrows a bit. you know what this means but you're surprised; you're usually the one initiating kisses. you nod once and aether takes leans closer, but doesn't kiss you just yet. his lips are hovering over yours and you can feel his uneven breathing, but he doesn't move.

if he has something to say, you don't wait for it. you close the gap between you in a moment of neediness and sigh at the feeling of his lips over yours. aether sighs in tandem and shuffles closer to you, leaving no space between you anymore. your lips move together slowly, tenderly, like you have all the time in the world. you savor every second, every part of himself that aether is willing to give. you tilt your head to deepen the kiss, but he pulls away briefly. "i love you," he whispers. "with everything i have, i love you."

your lips tremble with the urge to say something, but you come up short. what do you say to that? you don't think a simple i love you would be an appropriate response to that. not when it sounds like he's presenting himself to you like this. he sounds so genuine, so.. raw. you kiss him again instead of replying, but with more fervor. aether responds in kind, deepening the kiss as you wanted.

the kiss starts to grow needy; desperate. there's no room between the two of you but you still feel so far away from him — like he's not really here. you're not quite sure who heats up first; all you can think about is how aether tastes of the honey that he so loves to put in his tea.

slowly, aether starts to ease you back and you let him, moving so that you're lying on the bed. he breaks the kiss for just a moment and hovers over you, and the way he's looking at you makes your heart leap into your throat. his eyes are shimmering with want — he's not bothering to hide just how badly he wants you. "i'm all yours," you say softly. you place a hand on his cheek and he leans into your touch, his eyes fluttering. "i'm so glad you're home."

"it's good to be back." he answers lowly. he takes your hand and pins it to the bed, leaning down to resume the kiss. "i missed you." he breathes the words into your mouth and you take them in, consuming all of the love he puts into it.

the kiss slows and you feel aether's grip on your hand tighten. it's palpable in the air just how much he cherishes you. your heart picks up speed and your breath hitches when you feel his teeth graze your bottom lip. again, he pulls away to admire you and this time, you turn your eyes away. aether's free hand comes to your chin, a gentle request for you to look at him. when you do, you finally see the faint flush on his cheeks and a smile ghosting across his face. he leans back in to press a kiss to your forehead.

"my light in my darkest hour," he whispers. he kisses your nose next. "my home."

he's talking about you, you realize. it's not often that he pours out praise like this. not that he doesn't praise you at all, but aether's content to show his love through actions rather than words. your face steadily begins to warm. "you must've missed me a lot, huh?" you ask cheekily.

aether kisses you slowly, sweetly, so much so that you see stars behind your lids when you close your eyes. when you part, he murmurs, "probably even more than you're thinking, if you'd believe me." he dips his head then, pressing soft kisses against the sensitive skin on your neck. you suck in a sharp breath at the suddenness of it all, but aether pays you no mind. there's no heat to his kisses, no haste or fervor; just passion and devotion.

you angle your head and aether kisses your jaw in thanks. "i should be doing this for you," you sigh. "you're the one who returned home, not me."

"there's no need." aether's voice sends a tingle up your spine.

you stammer when you feel him nip at your skin. "hard work deserves a just reward, no?"

at that, aether freezes. he says nothing for a while, and for that while, you worry if you've said something wrong. you don't think you have — you meant what you said. oftentimes aether isn't around long enough for you to help him unwind after his duties. this intimacy, these kisses; this behavior is new and exhilarating. you finally have the chance to reward him for his efforts. that's not wrong, is it?

just before you can question him, aether lowers himself down on top of you completely. you make a small noise at the sudden weight, but quickly adjust yourself on your side and pull him into your arms comfortably. his arms snake around your middle and he keeps his face buried in your neck. "you really want to reward me?" he finally asks, his voice a bit muffled.

his question confuses you. you're well aware that what he does is... less than appealing. aether works in the dark for an end that may never come to light. yet it is his tenacity that stands out to you — his resolution. if you could convince him to let you help, you would, but you know a losing battle when you see one. so...

"it's the most i can do for you." you voice your thoughts aloud. "if i can provide rest for you, then i will. if..." your words stall for a moment when aether moves so that he's looking straight at you. you continue, "if i can care for you, then... then i will."

his stare is intense. you recognize that look. golden eyes swim with conflict. he seems as though he's trying to figure you out, and you want to laugh. there's not much to figure out about you — you're just a fool in love; nothing else to it.

aether hides his face in your neck once more. his skin is burning; is he blushing? you peek at his ears and see how red they are. you giggle. "i tell you 'i love you' all the time and this is what has you so flustered?" you tease.

"shut up." he grumbles childishly. it only makes you laugh harder. it's rare that he speaks like that with you. it's always a welcome change. he tightens his hold on you. "...you're too kind to me." he finally says.

you sigh and raise a hand to bury in his hair. you feel him sigh when your nails lightly rake at his scalp. "tough luck, lover boy. i'm only gonna get kinder. you're worthy of good things, aether. i'll tell you that a million times if i have to."

all he does is hum in response. maybe that's enough for right now. it'll certainly take time before he's fully convinced that he deserves tender moments like this. but as far as you're concerned, you have eternity to convince him of that. even if... even if "eternity" comes to an abrupt end someday, you'll dedicate yourself to loving him wholeheartedly every chance you get.

until then, you'll keep him here, wrapped in your arms. "i love you," you whisper. your reply comes in the form of a squeeze around your middle.

✦ [agonized sobbing] i just wanna love him! that's all i'm asking for!

[awlumii]

be still, my heart.

# — pairing: kazuha x gn!reader

# — characters: gender neutral reader, kazuha, lumine, aether

# — summary: you're not really cut out for this whole "matchmaker" deal.

# — warnings: n/a

# — tags: long fic (~9k words), 3+1 format, fluff, angst, misunderstandings, hurt/comfort, (failed) matchmaking, aether & lumine are your best friends

# — notes: finally, finally, finally! i finished a commission! thank you so, so much again to the commissioner; your support means so, so much to me, especially at a time like this. i had a lot of fun writing this :D reblogs and reactions are greatly appreciated, and i really hope you all enjoy! 🥰

wanna join the tag list?

i.

"hey! do you mind if i sit here?"

in hindsight, you should've known right away that that was a stupid question to ask. the café is far from crowded at this time of day. there's a smattering of people sitting at tables and all of them are alone, and there's still an empty table here and there. if you were going to be subtle about wanting to sit near this guy, you should have chosen, say, the empty seat behind him. but thank your lucky stars; the man is kind enough to smile back at you and gesture to the seat across from him.

alright. one foot in the door.

the guy in question is none other than kaedehara kazuha, the english major who's famous for his insightful poetry and exceptional grades. everyone loves this guy, even professors outside of his department. he's not the most social, but he's open to anyone and everyone who happens across him, and it would appear that you are a part of that as well. it's a good thing, too — if he'd secretly been an asshole, you'd have turned tail immediately. of course, that'd only make you look more suspicious than you already do, but that's besides the point.

when you say that everyone loves kazuha, you mean everyone — and that includes your best friend lumine. it just so happens that kazuha is also the object of many people's affections — the perks of being popular, you figure. it came as a real shock to you that lumine was interested in him of all people; you could've sworn she was head over heels for ayaka, the endearing political science and dance double major that she spends a lot of time with. but instead, lumine came to you out of the blue one evening gushing about kazuha.

"wait, wait, wait. are you telling me that you have a crush on him?" you closed your book to gape at lumine, who was sitting across from you with her chin propped in her hand.

lumine nodded. "yeah. what, is that weird or something?"

you raised an eyebrow. "very." you stood up and circled the table to eye her closely. lumine watched you the entire time, her eyes curious. "did you get hurt anywhere? hit your head or something?"

"oh my god, you're ridiculous." lumine pushed you away lightly. "i just think he's... dreamy..?"

"you don't sound too sure about that."

"fuck off, you know i'm not good with this sort of thing." lumine flipped you off. "but you know who is? kazuha." when you scoffed and sat back in your seat, she sighed. "would you stop being an asshole and help me out?"

you opened your book and skimmed the words. "what now? are you gonna tell me to set you up with him or something?" when lumine didn't answer for a few seconds, you froze. you looked up at her with mild horror. "ohh no. fuck no, i am not playing matchmaker. do it yourself."

lumine didn't answer you at that. you knew very well why she didn't do these things herself. you're aware of her reputation on campus; she's not exactly the most popular, but those who do know her know that she can appear rather callous at times. lumine's rough exterior made it difficult for her to branch out, which was probably why she was asking you to begin with. once it occurred to you, you groaned. "fine." you conceded. "but you're doing all the hard work."

lumine's face brightened into a smile you don't think you've ever seen her wear before. "you're the best." she reached across the table and tapped your hand. "seriously."

meanwhile, you'd already started dreading the first interaction you were supposed to have with kazuha. "yeah, yeah," you muttered. "whatever."

because at the end of the day, who are you to question lumine? she's been by your side through thick and thin ever since middle school. she's got your back and you've got hers (and her brother's). you'd do just about anything for her if she asked, no matter how ridiculous it seems. although, you think as you settle in your new seat, this is pretty fucking ridiculous. playing matchmaker is stupid, especially for a guy like kazuha, who has probably had this kind of thing happen to him before. you can only hope that that's not the case.

you pull out a notebook and a pen to start idly writing when you notice that in front of you, kazuha's closed his book. when you look up, you see that he's actually staring at you. what for? "is something wrong?" you ask. "i can move if you want me to; i didn't mean to disturb you."

kazuha shakes his head, his platinum bangs brushing over his forehead. he has a streak of crimson in his hair, you notice. it's kind of cute. in fact, now that you're really looking at him, you can really see why people are so drawn to him. he's very attractive with his kind eyes and almost serene expression. you see his lips moving then and realize that he must have been saying something for a while. shit, were you checking him out just now? did he notice? it's not until his lips stop moving that you realize that you have no idea what he just said. "i'm sorry, i, uh... really should've got some coffee before i sat down. can you say that again?" you give him an apologetic smile in hopes that it'll make him forget that you obviously weren't listening just now.

kazuha actually smiles then. it seems like he's always doing that, really. your ears start to burn; he probably thinks you're ridiculous. "that's alright." he tilts his head to the side slightly and says your name. when you raise your brows, his smile grows. "i figured my guess was correct. you're friends with lumine, aren't you?"

oh, right! duh! how did you already forget your goal? stupid pretty boy and his stupid face. "ah, yeah," you reply. "she's my roommate too, actually."

"i see." kazuha pushes his book to the side and you follow the movement. is he trying to start conversation? this wasn't exactly how you saw this playing out, but hey, that saves you the trouble of coming up with a topic. "how long have you two known each other?"

perfect. you've got him hook, line, and sinker. with lumine as the topic of conversation, you'll have him smitten with her in no time. "since middle school," you say with a smile. "she and aether moved into the house beside mine and my mother tasked me with befriending them. the rest is history, i suppose."

kazuha looks endeared. "the two of them must have been a handful, no?"

you don't miss the playfulness in his tone. yeah, you can really see why people like him. you weren't exactly supposed to get caught in his little web, but here you were, charmed by the guy anyway. at kazuha's request, you divulge a few stories about your history with lumine. you cherry pick stories that are centered around her and leave out the more embarrassing parts (which is difficult since you guys were some embarrassing kids); when this is over, she better love you for talking her up like this.

at some point, kazuha excuses himself for a moment. while you wait, you pull out your phone and text the group chat that you have with lumine and aether.

[ me ]: you owe me your soul after this, bitch

[ lulu☆]: oh my god, did you actually find and talk to him

[ lulu☆]: i didn't think you'd actually do it, help

[ me ]: you asked, didn't you? and i said i would, so

[ lulu☆]: that's not

[ lulu☆]: well..

[ lulu☆]: okay look what did you tell him

[ me ]: don't worry, i didn't embarrass you

[ me ]: ...yet

[ aefer☆]: did you tell him about the time she nearly shit herself because a cat fell out a tree on her head

[ aefer☆]: cause that's funny

[ me ]: shit u're right, i should've mentioned that

[ me ]: but no.. i had to talk her up to impress him

[ aefer☆]: i would've told him. just sayin

[ lulu☆]: i know where you live, bitch

[ aefer☆]: what a coincidence, so do i

[ me ]: okay he's coming back, later losers ♡

[ aefer☆]: make sure to tell him the story!!

you chuckle at your phone before you put it away. when you look up, kazuha is seated in front of you with two cups on the table; one looks to be coffee, while the other seems to be tea — green tea from the smell of it. you blink in surprise and open your mouth, but before you can ask, kazuha explains: "you said you needed coffee and it just so happens that i needed a pick-me-up as well." he gestures to the coffee and gently eases it towards you. "so i took the liberty of getting some for you."

you shake your head quickly. you weren't supposed to be indebted to him! "y-you really shouldn't have!"

kazuha's expression falls a little and you swear you feel your heart tug. "was that too forward of me? my apologies, i..."

fuck, you can't have him looking so downcast. you try to cover up your flustered state with a grateful smile. "no, no, i mean-- thank you, really, but you're too kind. how much was it? at least let me pay you back."

"there's no need," he says. "i got it because i wanted to. and what better need to celebrate a new friend than over a drink they enjoy?"

you blink twice. once because you're surprised he considers you a friend already, and twice because if you're not mistaken, kazuha looks... sheepish. you stare at him just a moment longer and this time it's him who breaks eye contact as he moves to sip from his tea. confused, you drink from the coffee he got for you. the second the flavor hits your tongue, you make a noise of surprise. "this is.." you mutter.

"ah." kazuha sets down his own drink. "i'm sorry, i forgot to explain. i wasn't quite sure how you took your coffee, so i guessed. it's not bad, is it?" he actually looks worried. "should i take it back for you?"

"no, no, it's not bad, it's..." it's perfect, you think. this is exactly how you order your coffee every time. how did he guess this well? your order isn't exactly standard; it would take some serious thinking to get it down to a T. "it's great," you finish your sentence. "thank you so much."

relief settles on kazuha's face. "that's good." he sets his tea aside and keeps his attention on you. "would it be too forward of me to ask if you have any more stories to share? they're quite interesting."

right. shit. you're here to play matchmaker. this is the second time you've forgotten your goal. you put your coffee to the side and launch into another story that you'd thankfully lined up in case he wanted to keep the conversation going. kazuha listens attentively; his eyes are on you the entire time and his usual smile grows wider each time you giggle when you remember something funny.

he's very easy to talk to, you think. you wouldn't mind doing this over and over. this is a win-win situation for you and lumine; she'll get a boyfriend, and you'll have a new friend.

(you won't realize it just yet, but the skip in your pulse each time kazuha laughs is far from platonic.)

ii.

it's nice to have a new addition to the group — really, it is — but does he really need to be invited everywhere?

lately, whenever you, aether, and lumine go out as a trio, kazuha ends up receiving an invite as well. sometimes he gets the invite from you, but every other time, it seems to be coming from lumine. it's a little irritating, honestly. not because kazuha is annoying, no — he's the furthest thing from it. if anything, he's the most soothing person you've ever known (amongst other things). no, what's annoying is that lumine seems to be taking charge of this whole matchmaking thing herself, which leaves you without an objective. because really, if she's gonna make sure he's around all the time, then what did she have you get involved for?

take now, for example. the four of you are in an arcade celebrating the end of midterm season, and when you entered, you decided that you'd be split into pairs — you with aether, and lumine with kazuha. you and aether complained when lumine suggested bringing kazuha along on the grounds that the two of you would be third wheeling. so she suggested splitting into groups.

for some reason, the initial pairing put you with kazuha. not like you're one to complain — you love the time you spend with him. but seeing as how you spend a couple hours every day chatting him up in that café, you think you can do without him for a few hours today. you said as much when the first pairs were decided on.

"aw, you'll hurt his feelings!" aether said with a chuckle. "don't you wanna be around your new friend for a while?"

before you spoke, you stole a peek at kazuha who looked... a little hurt. you thought you were imagining it since he was smiling along with the joke, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. regret started to claw at your throat and you tried to take it back, but kazuha spoke before you could.

"i'm more than happy to spend time with lumine," he said. "we don't spend much time together as it is."

your fingers slow to a stop on the game you're playing. do kazuha and lumine really not spend time together? that was the whole reason you spent time with him — to get him more motivated to speak to her in the first place. was he still too shy to speak to her? no, you think as you pick up the game. he wouldn't have jumped at the opportunity to be with her tonight if he was really shy. besides, shy just isn't kazuha's character; he has moments where he's a little hesitant, but he's certainly not the shy type.

then why weren't they together more often? you feel confused for a moment, but then it hits you — you've been taking up kazuha's time, not her.

there's no reason why you should be in that café for so long with kazuha. your mission was simple: get him interested in lumine, get them to hang out, and then watch the rest unfold. but instead, you've been hogging all his time, talking about topics that had nothing to do with this whole matchmaking situation to begin with.

you swear lowly when your character dies on screen. if anyone is to blame for the lack of progress being made, it's kazuha. he's the one who's always asking off-topic questions when you meet up. specifically, he would coax you into talking about yourself somehow. how he does that, you're not sure, but you hate it. he's making this difficult!

oh, your mind just can't stop running. kazuha's making everything so complicated! why did he look so dejected when he said you wanted to hang with someone else? why does he want to know so much about you? why does he smile so brightly when he sees you in passing? why isn't he sticking to lumine's side? is he even going to make a move? is that why he jumped at the chance to do so today? why didn't he do so earlier, and why in the fuck does your chest hurt right now?!

"if you hold the controls any harder, i think they're gonna break."

aether's voice suddenly appears to your left, startling you. you let go of the controls in your shock and soon after, a fluorescent red 'game over' appears on the screen. you glare at him and punch his arm. "you asshole, you made me lose the game." you hiss.

aether's lips curve into a cheeky smile. "actually, you were already losing. you kinda suck at this game."

"i don't, i just..." you sigh and look at the screen. "i was just thinking about something else."

"now are you making an excuse, or were you really distracted this whole time?" aether asks. when you struggle to come up with a response, he rests a hand on your shoulder. you don't look at him, though. you're too busy trying to figure out why your throat feels like it's closing. aether calls your name once, then twice. you still don't answer. just when you think he's given up, he drapes an arm over your shoulder and pulls you to him. "how about we go get something to drink?" he finally suggests. "it's been a while."

you look at him and for a split second notice how blurry he is. you blink a few times and it goes away. weird. you still can't really form words, so you nod and allow aether to whisk you away from your game.

once you're seated with your drink, you let your mind go off the rails. why does the thought of kazuha asking lumine out bother you so much? that's literally why you became friends with him in the first place, no? you're supposed to be relieved — once they start dating, you can wash your hands of this whole ordeal and be on your merry way. at least, that's the plan... right?

"we came out here to stop thinking," aether speaks up. "but you look like you're still studying. what're you thinking so hard about?"

you open your mouth to explain yourself but quickly shut it. you can't just tell lumine's brother that you're having second thoughts about getting her a boyfriend! best friends or not, his first priority is his sister's happiness; if you back out, you'll definitely have to face aether's wrath later. yet still, you want nothing more than to unload these confusing emotions onto aether's shoulders — you need to explain yourself or else you feel like you're going to pop.

you feel crazy. are you crazy? you think you're going crazy. and dammit, why does your throat still feel so tight?

after a few seconds pass, you decide to bite the bullet. you hate to toss aether in the middle like this, but who else are you going to tell this to? kazuha? yeah, fuck that. "it's... about kazuha." you rasp. you take a sip of your drink.

for some reason, aether sits up a bit straighter. you don't recognize the look he's giving you. maybe intrigued is the right word? "yeah?" he leans his chin in his hand. "what about him?"

"i think... i think i fucked up somewhere." you feel a little lighter now that you've gotten that out. that's the heart of the problem... you think.

"how? he's spending time with lumine, isn't he?"

"yeah, now he is. didn't you hear him earlier? he said that they didn't spend much time together."

"aaaand..?"

"what do you mean and? they're supposed to be together all the time!" you scoff. "i tell him about her like, every day, and yet they're still so stiff around each other whenever we all meet up!" a thought occurs to you, then. the four of you hung out all the time, but each time, you were in a group. "wait, do they never actually hang out outside of our outings?"

aether's frowning a little at you. surely he understands what you're talking about, right? "you think that that's weird?" he asks.

you throw your hands up in frustration. "yes, that's weird! god, why am i even doing this if he's just gonna hang out with me instead of--" you shut your mouth.

intrusive thoughts are funny little things. soft as they may be, they leave ripples in your mind. and those ripples grow bigger and bigger as they spread, reaching the far corners of your brain until they become all you can think about. yours are pretty out there: what if i tripped and fell right now? or what if i'm reading the stop signal wrong and i walk into traffic by accident? they make you reconsider your every move, make you see reality in a different light. these particular thoughts, however, send you spiraling.

what if kazuha likes me? becomes: what if i like kazuha? which eventually turns into: i do like kazuha.

"oh." you mumble. "shit."

"i feel like you just had a revelation without me, and i'm feeling very out of the loop right now." aether gestures between the two of you. "are we on the same page right now?"

"god, i hope not." you groan and push your face into your hands. this is the fucking worst. it's supposed to be the worst, anyway — for some reason, you feel the urge to smile. feelings are strange like that, huh? you realize that you have a big crush on the guy you're supposed to be setting your best friend up with and yet you want to smile — you want to take a breath of fresh air, like this is a good thing. "aether, i'm a horrible fucking person." you laugh derisively. "the fucking worst."

aether, who'd been sitting across from you this whole time, moves to sit next to you. when you finally look at him, you see that he's frowning, his face marred by confusion and worry. "as much as we like to joke about it, i can't read your mind. you need to tell me what's up."

"...promise you won't hate me?"

"why would i ever?" aether looks at you like you slapped him. dork.

you smile, but it doesn't last very long. "i just, uh... realized something."

"would you quit being suspenseful and get to the point?"

fine. you decide to let it all out. "i like kazuha, aether. there. i like him a fucking lot. he's really pretty and he's kind, he spends time with me every day, even when he's busy; he holds my hand sometimes when we talk and i swear, i feel like i can fucking fly whenever he does, and i..." you take a deep breath. "i'm a fucking moron because i'm letting down lumine. she's supposed to be with him, not me. i have to let this go."

aether's silent. you feel your throat tighten up again and immediately recognize the feeling — you want to fucking cry, dammit. you're a terrible fucking friend, and that's exactly what aether's about to say--

"you need to tell her," he says seriously. "and you need to do it now before things get worse."

that's... not the reaction you were expecting. "aren't you mad at me? i-i'm supposed to be helping out your sister but i'm--"

"falling in love." aether finishes for you. you try to deny it, but he's not hearing it. "trust me, it'll get to that point soon enough. you can't wait until then -- you have to say something. please," he implores you, "for your own good."

you want to say that you shouldn't do anything to benefit yourself, not when you've fucked up so majorly, but you hold your tongue. you really don't know what to do now. how are you supposed to look kazuha in the face after this? you were always enjoying yourself when you were around him, but now you understand that you enjoyed yourself far too much. he's supposed to be with lumine and he's--

a sudden call of your name has you snapping your head up. in front of you is none other than kazuha and lumine.

speak of the fucking devil and he will appear.

the two of them are wearing matching smiles and carrying four plushies from the prize counter. they look so... happy. all at once, you cram your raging emotions into a box and shove them into the furthest corner of your mind. that can wait -- what's important now is these two lovebirds and the rest of the evening. you ease away from aether and sit up straighter, plastering a friendly smile on your face. "did you two kids have fun?" you ask.

(beside you, aether's frown deepens.)

"i learned quite a few things while playing with lumine tonight." kazuha is the first to speak. he adjusts the two plushies in his arms and looks over to lumine. "the most important thing being that she's amazing at video games."

lumine sniffs proudly. "he's the one who didn't believe me when i said i would kick his ass at anything we tried. aether and i used to play games like these all the time when we were kids. but," she nudges kazuha's shoulder affectionately, "you put up a good fight. i respect the effort, but better luck next time."

"i'll keep that in mind." kazuha chuckles.

next time, he said. there's going to be a next time. they're going to go on a date. you giggle softly despite yourself. now's not the time. not when they look so happy. you feel aether pinch your arm, but you swat him away subtly. "that's good to hear." you say. "is there something else you guys wanna do tonight?" you hold your breath, hoping they say no.

fortunately (or unfortunately), aether cuts in. "actually, lumine, wait." he doesn't say anything else after that, but judging by lumine's expression, you wonder if they're doing that twin communication thing. you've always wondered what that's like, having another half. aether and lumine are always sharing information over everyone's heads -- sometimes, you wish they'd include you.

lumine nods after a second. they must have finished their psychic conversation. "actually, aether and i have to head back." she shrugs one shoulder. "something came up."

kazuha's brows knit with concern. "is everything alright?"

"yeah, aether has to take a shit or something. i don't know." lumine is suddenly hit in the face with a wadded up napkin while you poorly stifle a laugh. she doesn't retaliate the same way she normally would, but she does shoot aether a glare that could probably melt steel beams. "anyway," she smooths her expression over and looks straight at you. "are you two gonna be okay alone? because this is kind of urgent."

wait. shit. fuck, no, no, no! she can't leave you with kazuha! why is she trying to leave you with kazuha?!

words fail you in this moment; you open and close your mouth a few times as you struggle to find the right words. there's so much going on in your head; you could say yes and have some alone time with kazuha, but lumine is supposed to be the one having alone time with kazuha, not you! if you say no, then kazuha might look like a kicked puppy again, and you don't want to see him looking so sad, dammit! but then again, if you say yes, you could interrogate him and find out why he and lumine haven't hung out often, right? but--

"we should be fine." kazuha speaks before you can, leaving you floored. "i'll see them home when we're finished here."

well, there goes your internal conflict. it's too late to back out now. you put on a brave face and hope that neither lumine nor aether can see through it. "i'll see if i can keep that winning streak for you, lumine." you say.

kazuha chuckles quietly. "is that a challenge i hear?"

god... damn him. "it sure is." you play along and give him a grin.

all your years of friendship must have meant nothing, because lumine doesn't pick up on your silent distress signals. she and aether say quick goodbyes before turning and heading home, leaving you with kazuha. once the twins are gone, you hop to your feet. since there's no one here to save you, you may as well dive in head first. "so," you say with a sigh, "which game do you want to play first?"

rather than suggest a game, kazuha shakes his head. "we don't have to play a game if you don't want to." like always, he tilts his head to the side just a little. he's so endearing. "you don't seem like you want to play anymore. am i correct?"

"i..." you deflate a little. "yeah, you're right. i'm sorry. i don't want to bore you or anything, but i just don't have it in me anymore."

thankfully, kazuha doesn't pry. he pushes one of the plushies in your direction. you'd actually forgotten he was holding it. it's a little penguin with a frog hat on — absolutely adorable. the other penguin that he's holding has a dinosaur hat. were they a matching set?

you don't take the plushy right away, which prompts kazuha to speak. he shifts his stance a little bit and... maybe it's just the trick of the light — it is quite dark in here — but you think you can see his cheeks turning color. "this is for you," he says. in an uncharacteristic moment of shyness, he suddenly backtracks. "only if you want it, of course. i won't push it on you, but... i figured that you might like it."

you blink a few times. you kick yourself and reach out to take the penguin — it's soft to the touch and the perfect size for hugging. you hold the thing gingerly in your arms and stare at it for a moment. did he really get this for you? or did he get this for lumine? maybe she didn't want it and that's why he's giving it to you; yeah, that has to be it. but just to be sure, you look up at kazuha, hoping you're not smiling as widely as you think you are. "you really didn't have to. why're you so nice to me, huh?"

you foolishly asked that as a joke, but this time, you're absolutely sure kazuha's face starts to redden. it's hidden by the lights of the games around you, but even in this dim lighting, you know what you saw. he doesn't look too fazed by it, though. "must there be a reason?" he asks in return.

you know what? no. some things are better left unexplained. you shake your head and hug the penguin close. "thank you, kazuha." you think you're going to explode. "really. i love it."

"i'm glad," kazuha says. and boy, does he look the part. the relief on his face is palpable. for someone with such an even expression, he sure is easy to read when he's nervous. what he's nervous about, you have no idea. but he's also really fucking cute. he shifts on his feet and breaks eye contact after a beat of silence. "why don't we get you home?" he suggests. "it's probably late at night."

ah. well, there goes your excitement. he just wants to get rid of you now, huh? for someone who's not supposed to like him, you sure do have pretty intense mood swings when he's involved. you agree and the two of you head outside and start towards your home.

the walk home is slow and silent, and kazuha's walking close by your side. you'd think of something to say, but it's a very comfortable silence — with you hugging the plushie that he got for you in one arm, you don't see any reason to speak. it's not like this is abnormal, anyway; he's seen you home many times before. you hazard a glance at kazuha after a moment to find scarlet eyes already focused on you. you look away in a hurry, as does he. weird.

even weirder still, you feel kazuha's fingers knock against yours. are you two really walking that close together? you flinch away from his touch like he'd burned you. "i'm sorry." he apologizes right away.

"no, it's okay." you reassure him. to make him believe you, you put your hand back where it was. it's not until you do that you realize that that wasn't the first time your hands have touched. you soon find that that wasn't the last, either; once more, kazuha's fingers knock against yours. you don't move away this time, instead opting to knock back. you swear you can hear him chuckle when you do, but maybe you're just imagining things.

a few more seconds pass and you feel kazuha's fingers intertwining with yours, and for a second, your mind completely stops. tonight was moving so fast — first you realize that you're a goner for kazuha, then he gifts you a plushie, and then he's holding your hand? what is happening right now? and why aren't you pulling away?

you should pull away, you have to, but... you can't bring yourself to. your fingers lock with kazuha's one by one until eventually, you're completely holding his hand. he's so warm, you think. he always is. the walk home remains silent, and you and kazuha exchange playful squeezes every so often.

(to make yourself feel better, you tell yourself that this is just you training him for when he starts dating lumine. maybe that will ease your conscience.)

iii.

so you're in love with kazuha. big fucking surprise there.

you quickly realized that you were doomed from the moment you met. not that it was love at first sight, but he charmed you right away. he was the one who had you hook, line, and sinker from the very start. it doesn't help that he became a permanent addition to your friend group; you're forced to face him and your feelings just about every single day. you're reminded every day of how much of a weakling you are when it comes to him. you hold his hand, you share food with him, you sleep with the plushie he gave you, you borrow his sweaters... you're a fucking mess.

it's agonizing. you were supposed to be helping lumine and kazuha get together, but you grew too greedy and inserted yourself into a position that wasn't meant for you. you try every day to rationalize with yourself and aay that the two of you are just really close friends, but friends don't think about each other the way you think about him. even worse was that you couldn't tell lumine about it — the only person who knew of your feelings was aether, and he gave you shit about it whenever he could.

come clean, he says. stop lying to yourself, he says. to that, you have to laugh. if it were that easy to rid yourself of this situation, you would've done it months ago.

there's only one solution to this problem, and that's to avoid kazuha like the plague.

it makes sense, right? just ignore it until it goes away? because there's no other way for you to get over this. you're starting to dream about kazuha; about kissing him, about holding him in your arms, about being with him. so maybe if you see him less, the thoughts will go away.

it starts with you not going to the café anymore. when kazuha texted you and asked why you hadn't been showing up, you brushed it off with a lie, saying that you found a place with better coffee. he asked what the place was called, but you left him on read. (a very adult move.)

then, you stopped making eye contact whenever you passed by him. it was hard for a few days since you missed seeing his eyes light up whenever he saw you, but you had to be strong. you're better than this, dammit. don't think about how dejected he might look when he realizes that you're avoiding him — don't you do it!

after that, you stopped going out with the twins if kazuha was going. every time they suggest something, your first question is if he is going to be there. if the answer is yes, you make up an excuse to stay home. lumine was really fucking upset with you for bailing because of some petty argument that she thought you two had, but when she pieced it together that you weren't going to budge, she gave up trying. (man, you wish it was just some argument — disputes can be solved. not feelings.)

lastly, you straight up walked away from him if he approached you. you wouldn't just ignore his presence, of course — you're an asshole, not a monster — but if he tried to make conversation, you would cut it short and hightail it out of there.

"it's been a few weeks since we've talked." kazuha sounded so pleased when he managed to stop you one day. you didn't know why you let him catch up to you, but once he got to you, you couldn't just up and leave. so you decided to hear him out. "have you been well?"

no, you wanted to say. not in the fucking slightest. but you're grown — fake it 'till you make it, baby. you nodded and gave him your best smile. "yeah. better than usual, actually."

you watched kazuha's face fall ever so slightly. he was quick to fix his mistake; his usual smile returned to his face in an instant. if you were anyone else, you wouldn't have noticed. but you noticed. you'll always notice. "i see." he said. "that's good to hear."

because you didn't want to be subject to his quickly declining mood, you excused yourself. "i gotta run, but i'll see you some other time, okay?" you said. (like a liar.)

anyone could have seen the glimmer of hope that appeared in kazuha's eyes. "of course. be safe, please." he gave you a little wave as you took off.

after about three weeks of not seeing kazuha, you think yourself to be cured. huzzah, it worked! sure, you're still daydreaming about him, but it's not as vivid if you can't see him every day! he hasn't texted you or approached you outside in a couple days which, admittedly, stung like hell, but it's for the better. kazuha can focus on lumine without you in the way, and you can move on with your life.

you spend most of your time in the library these days. lumine's been super pissed at you lately — probably because of the whole kazuha thing, but you're not sure why she wants you to spend time with him so badly. to avoid potential conflict, you hole yourself up in here. being surrounded by books (reminds you of kazuha) makes you feel at peace; it's so quiet in here, which makes it easy to focus on work (which in turn helps you stop thinking about kazuha).

the library is empty today, save for a few people seated at the tables on the other side of the building. you're standing in front of a bookshelf skimming through a book when you suddenly hear a soft whisper of your name. thinking it's aether, you prepare a shitty excuse for why you're not home, but when you see who it is, your blood goes cold.

it's kazuha. you haven't seen him in three whole weeks.

you swallow back your apprehension as best you can. "hey, what's up?" you try to remain as casual as possible. "do you need one of the books behind me?"

kazuha's brows draw in a little. "are you asking that so you can make your escape?" his comment is a little pointed — so pointed, in fact, that you visibly wince and give yourself away. he sighs when you do. "i was hoping that i wouldn't be correct. have i done something wrong?"

that's just like him — straight to the point. you flounder for an answer. "of course not." you shake your head.

"then is it alright if i ask why you've been avoiding me?"

"what? why would i do that?" your eyes slowly drift to the side. you're not too fond of all the attention you're getting right now.

"you can never make eye contact when you're hiding something." kazuha walks closer to you, but you keep your eyes on something else. "you won't even look at me. i must have done something to cause this."

no, no, no, he's blaming himself! stop him! you force yourself to make eye contact with him, but wither under his stare. you look away again and your face starts to grow hot. "you didn't do anything, kazuha," you say honestly. "i promise. "i've just been busy, that's all."

kazuha doesn't back down. "i've heard from lumine that you've been spending time here instead of at your home. she's worried about you. she-- i'm worried about you."

"don't do that," you blurt. you're starting to breathe a little faster, you notice. "stop worrying about me. you shouldn't." kazuha starts to retort, but you cut him off with a shake of your head. you turn around and put the book back in it's place. "look, i need to go. please move."

you never wanted to be so forceful with him — so cold. but what else can you do when cornered like this? he's desperate and you can tell, but so are you. you don't want to confront your feelings anymore. you just can't. you're tired of feeling like a shitty person for being in love. this is the only way you can make it stop.

kazuha doesn't make it easy for you, though. when you try to move away, he steps closer, invading your space. "if there's something wrong, you would tell me, right?" his voice is so soft, so mellow. it's like a hug, which you could really use right about now. normally, you'd get that from kazuha, but well... you don't answer him, nor do you look at him. kazuha then takes your chin in his fingers and gently makes you face him. "would you please look at me?"

your eyes land on him and it's like the world's faded away. there's so much rolling off of him at once; unease, comfort, and suspicion all hit you at the same time, and it overwhelms you. you don't like how tender this moment feels. he's so close — too close. you can smell maple and cedar, and not because you're wearing his sweater (which you didn't realize until just now). autumnal eyes threaten to take you under and you feel your eyes start to sting. "kazuha, let go." your voice wavers and your heart throbs. "please."

you wish you could read his mind. his eyes search your face, though you're not sure what for. the seconds of silence that tick by are excruciating, but when they finally come to an end, kazuha lets you go. his hand falls to his side and he steps away with a bitter smile. "i'm sorry. i fear i may have made the problem worse."

that's putting it lightly. you step around him wordlessly, but before you can get too far, kazuha catches your hand in his, stopping you. you don't turn around. you can't.

"i miss you." kazuha speaks at a whisper, a volume so low that you shouldn't have been able to hear it. but you heard it. whenever he speaks, you listen with your entire being.

he lets you go after a few more seconds and you take the opportunity to grab what stuff you have and make a beeline for the exit. you fumble for the doorknob on the way out; your vision is too blurred by tears for you to make it out properly. you manage, and you set off towards home, where you're going to ignore lumine yet again and mope in your room.

(and as you cry to yourself that evening, you can only think of the way you saw kazuha's eyes fall to your lips as he held you in place. you think of how badly you wanted to confess everything to him and clear the air for good, but you also remember what you were tasked with. this is for the better, you tell yourself. this is for the better.)

iv.

kazuha should have never agreed to this.

honestly, what was he thinking? why did he allow lumine to play matchmaker? he has two legs and a functioning mouth; he could have walked up to you and started a conversation himself, no problem. things would have been so much easier if he had just swallowed his pride and spoken to you like a normal adult. but no, he just had to go along with this idea.

in retrospect, it seemed like a good idea. but perhaps he's been reading too many novels. meeting through a mutual friend is a lovely concept, but it would appear that it only works in fictional worlds. he'd hoped to just spend time with you through lumine, but somehow, you got the wrong idea and started trying to push him onto her, which made no sense. and not only did it not make sense, but it completely backfired — you're absolutely miserable now and so is he.

kazuha's not an idiot. he knows that you have feelings for him. and the only reason he knows is because you seemingly reciprocated when he approached you romantically. he thought he was being obvious — giving you a plushie, holding your hand, lending you his sweaters, resting his head on your shoulder during movie nights... you accepted it all. he wasn't being subtle at all, right?

so then how? how on earth did things end up like this? he asks lumine as much when they meet up a few mornings later.

"they've been ignoring me too," lumine grumbles, "you aren't special."

right, because that helps. kazuha buries his hand in his hair. "every time i try to talk to them, they manage to slip through my fingers."

lumine frowns at him. "are they actually slipping away, or are you letting them get away?" he must take too long to answer, because she tuts at him. "if this is because you don't want to overwhelm them, then you're being stupid. they're overwhelming themself with this whole... thing, okay?"

but he's too much for you, he wants to say. every time he comes around you, you look about ready to explode. you look so torn, and he hates it. he just wants you to smile at him again. "at the very least, i want to repair our friendship." he sighs. it hurts to even think about keeping you at a distance, but if that's what it takes for you to come back, then... "they cried on their way out of the library the other day."

lumine's expression falls. he's never seen her look so saddened before. "yeah, i heard."

"you heard?"

"our walls may be thick, but our doors aren't." she grimaces. "the sniffing told me all i needed to know."

there's a tense silence. neither of them know what to say because in the end, this is their fault. this whole misunderstanding and your pain? that's on them. if they want to solve this--

"you have to confess." lumine voices kazuha's thoughts out loud. "that's literally the only way this is gonna stop."

while kazuha acknowledges that she's correct, there's two ways that this could go. you would either: a) accept his confession, start dating him, get married someday, and live happily ever after, or b) turn him down and hate him for causing this whole misunderstanding, leaving the two of you to be miserable forever. either way, life as he knows it now is going to end — how it ends is purely up to you.

kazuha agrees to do so and asks lumine for your whereabouts. despite not being on talking terms for a while, she still knows where you are. (it's how we care for each other, she explains.) as he walks, he lets his head fill with thoughts of you.

unsurprisingly, you're all he's been thinking about. you're all he ever thinks about, really. he thinks about the way you tried to hide your joy when he gave you that plushie in the arcade that day; the way you flustered every time he "jokingly" kissed your hand; the way you seemed to melt into his clothes whenever you wore them; the way you seemed to read his mind whenever you couldn't help but stare at him, the way you would smile when he felt warm at having been caught staring back.

he huffs a laugh to himself. it's hilarious how after all that, you still thought that he liked lumine instead of you. honestly; you two have nearly kissed several times, and yet you think he liked someone else? your mind will never cease to amaze him, beautiful and strange as it is.

kazuha comes to a halt under a canopy of trees with bright red leaves. the change in seasons has turned the campus into a beautiful landscape; all of the usual resting spots were less inhabited by others, which made them the perfect escape for people like him. you're seated on a bench underneath those trees with your nose buried in a book and, if he squints, he thinks you're wearing his scarf. you're exactly where lumine said you would be. perfect.

deciding not to wait until his nerves get the best of him, kazuha approaches you and sits a little ways away from you on the bench. right away, he notices the way you go completely still, your shoulders visibly stiffening. he sighs internally. how should he speak in order to not scare you away? it's a miracle you haven't just up and walked off, actually.

"...why are you here, kazuha?" you ask flatly. you sound like you're holding something back. "what do you want?"

"you're not going to leave?" he asks in return.

you shake your head. "i don't see the point in running from you anymore."

so you finally admit that you were running. it'd be humorous if it didn't sting so bad. "you're going to listen to what i have to say?" he asks again for good measure. when you nod again, kazuha takes a steadying breath. he just needs to get it out there. he needs to let you know. it shouldn't be hard — it's not hard. he may as well have told you already with the way he treats you. just say it.

and say it he does. "i'm in love with you."

immediately, you rise to your feet. kazuha balls one hand into a fist as he fights the urge to pull you back down. if you want to leave, then so be it. he told you, and that's all he can do; whether or not you believe him is purely up to you. you stay standing for a while, and he can see you clenching and unclenching your fists over and over, but eventually, you sit back down. you rest your book to the side and put a hand over your eyes.

"are you alright?" kazuha dares to ask.

you laugh humorlessly. "of course not. you're not supposed to like me, kazuha. please don't do this." you start to bounce your leg rapidly. "take it back, or... or something. just don't get my hopes up."

he scoots closer to you cautiously. when you don't back away, he keeps moving until your shoulders are touching. he calls your name softly and you shake your head sharply. "stop saying my name like that. would you stop being so... so nice to me? i'm gonna get the wrong idea."

"you're not getting the wrong idea," kazuha keeps his voice low. "i'm telling you the truth. and the truth is that i'm in love with you." he rests his hand over your free hand on the bench. "is that wrong of me?"

"yes! i mean-- no? ugh, fuck you." you sniff and swipe your hand over your face. kazuha tries to get a good look at you, but you turn your head away, keeping him from doing so.

"i'm in the wrong." you finally say after a while. "i was supposed to-- you and lumine were supposed to be a thing, not-- not us. but i... fuck," you pause for a second to sniff. "i fell in love with you anyways, and i just feel like a terrible person, okay? i ignored you because i wanted to just... stop feeling like shit, i guess. i wanted to forget about you and this stupid deal that i made with lumine and--"

kazuha taps the underside of your chin twice. you take a moment to collect yourself and slowly turn to look at him. "what do you want?" you ask. it's spoken harshly, but there's no bite to your words.

"did you forget?" he asks.

"wh-- no. god, no. i could never." you give him a wry smile. "unfortunately, you're all i think about, so no. you didn't let me forget. thanks for that, by the way."

one more time, kazuha thinks. just one more. "i love you." he says.

your lashes flutter and your face warms. "i love you too, kazuha. but-- mmh--"

that's all kazuha needed to hear. he leans in and kisses you, silencing your thoughts. he hears you sigh into the kiss and you start to kiss back, but he pulls away slightly before you can. "can you say it again?" he murmurs against your lips. "one more time."

your breathing is shaky, but you speak anyways. "i love you."

kazuha kisses you again. "once more, petal. please."

"you're so greedy," you chuckle shakily. "i lov-- mmf--" kazuha kisses you again but you pull back with a laugh. "at least let me finish my sentence--"

"no." kazuha drinks in your laugh when he kisses you this time, his skin singing at the contact. he's wanted to this for so long -- wanted to kiss you silly and hear you laugh. you're all he's wanted this whole time, and he's not going to pass up this opportunity to let you know. each time you try to speak, kazuha kisses you to shut you up. and each time, it makes you smile wider. you kiss until you can't anymore — you're both smiling much too wide.

"do you still think you're not supposed to be with me?" he asks cheekily.

your face doesn't fall at his question. that spark that your eyes held a few weeks prior is back and brighter than before. you look renewed — you're glowing. while basking in your glow, kazuha wonders if he is, too. you lean in and kiss him quick, resting your forehead on his when you pull away. "don't ask stupid questions." you chuckle. "i said i loved you, didn't i?"

kazuha hums. "and i said the same. so what now?"

"i dunno." you sigh and lean away. "we tell lumine, i guess?"

he squeezes your hand. "about us?"

you nod. "about us."

(when you get home and tell her later, she yells: "fucking finally!" and pulls you in for a hug.)

✦ *bows* and that's what i call a job well done.

✦ seriously, i hope you guys liked it 🥰

[awlumii]

︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎︎ ︎🍡 COMMISSIONS !

# INFO:

ʚ hi! i’m really, really thankful to everyone who’s enjoyed my work thus far. your support and engagement means so much to me, but due to financial difficulties, i’m asking for additional help. i did manage to secure myself a job for the summer, but i know for a fact that it’s not going to be enough. i need to save money for quite a few things: food, rent (which is roughly $865 usd), and a new phone are just some of the things i need. i know that this won’t buy those things immediately, but any amount i can get helps, and i figured that i should thank you in the only way i know how: with writing!

ʚ if you wouldn’t like to commission me, i’d really appreciate if you could drop by my ko-fi instead!

hit ‘keep reading’ for more details!

Keep reading

[kazewhara]

I'm a sucker for calm, sunshine-y characters going berserk upon seeing their loved ones hurt. Can I request Kazuha and Thoma rescuing their kidnapped s/o from treasure hoarders, only to find them bruised and beaten? Tysm ❤️ And congrats for 145 followers, you deserve ten times more!

close your eyes for me.

masterlist!

# — pairings: thoma, kazuha x gn!reader

# — characters: gender neutral reader, thoma, kazuha, ayaka, beidou, treasure hoarders

# — summary: he doesn't want you to see him like this.

# — warnings: violence, blood mention, minor character death, injuries, kinda ooc thoma

# — tags: drabble format, angst, kidnapping and rescue, revenge, hurt/comfort (physical), fluff

# — notes: anon, i really, really, really like your taste :D i actually almost made myself sad writing thoma's.. i love him dearly :( as always, reblogs and reactions are always appreciated, and i hope you enjoy!!

✧— 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐚 — ✧

thoma doesn't panic right away when you don't arrive on time.

you were supposed to meet him at komore teahouse for a date; you two made it a routine to have dates there at least twice a week whenever he had the time. it wasn't normal for you to be late, but you'd told him in advance that you were coming from konda village after staying there for a few days, since your parents lived out there. thoma told you to be careful on your way, since there were wandering ronin and treasure hoarders on the outskirts of the island.

"i know you can handle yourself just fine, but," thoma's green eyes swam with concern, "if you come across them, try not to fight, okay?"

you patted his cheek twice. "alright, you big worrywart." you laughed when he perked up a little and leaned in to kiss his nose. "i'll try my best."

thoma wrapped his fingers around the back of your neck, preventing you from pulling away. "do you promise?" he said lowly.

you hummed, an enamored smile parting your lips. "i swear i'll be as careful as i can. if i come across any danger, i'll get away as quickly as i can."

the two of you made a rule early on in your relationship that promises were to be sealed with a kiss, so you kissed him twice for good measure; once to seal the promise, and another time to keep him from whining. as charismatic and confident as thoma may appear, he was actually quite clingy when it came to you. you thought the two kisses would be enough, but thoma doesn't let you go.

"not yet," he murmured against your lips. "just a little more."

you chuckled. "you're so greedy."

as the minutes become hours, thoma's stomach starts to sink. was something wrong? did something happen to you? did you get into any fights and lose?

"no." thoma denies quickly. you wouldn't lose -- you couldn't. call him biased but your strength was unparalleled; you wouldn't let some random treasure hoarder best you. he closes his eyes as he thinks about you wielding your claymore against a mob of attackers. you handled your weapon with so much grace that people often thought it weighed nothing. thoma's about to lose himself in daydreaming about you when a worker of the teahouse appears in the entryway.

"sorry to intrude," she says with a bow, "but i received a letter for you. it was delivered by a suspicious individual, so i came to you right away." in her hands is a yellowed envelope, the edges of which seemed to be burnt.

thoma struggles to keep his expression even as he takes the letter. only when the employee is gone does he allow himself to be swept away by the waves of anxiety. he doesn't have to open it to know that this is a ransom note; this wouldn't be the first time he's seen one. he removes his headband and tentatively removes the seal and pulls out the letter.

the first thing that catches his eye is the large stain on the paper. bile sours thoma's tongue when he works out what it is.

the blood -- your blood -- has already started to oxidize, the stain taking on a rusty color. you must have been gone for far longer than he'd thought if that was ths case. thoma works his fingers through his hair as he reads the contents.

'two billion mora,' the letter reads, 'or they die.'

"two billion." thoma echos. he puffs out an incredulity. you were worth so much more than some two billion mora, but as comforting as that thought was, he knew the kamisato clan didn't just have that much money lying around. even if they did, as a retainer, it wasn't his place to ask for such a large sum anyways; his reputation amongst the staff was very good, but it can't possibly be that good. he makes himself sick just thinking about ways to preserve his reputation while you were missing.

as much as it pains him to do it, thoma tries to go about this rationally first. his body is itching to scour every nook and cranny of jinren island (since your abductors were kind enough to tell you where they were -- probably for ransom delivery), but he knows he would achieve nothing that way. plus, he'd likely be outnumbered. thoma smiles bitterly as he puts his headband back on. who cares about being outnumbered? he needed to see you safe and sound sooner rather than later.

he gets back to the kamisato estate in record time, where he heads straight to ayaka. she's having tea with ayato when he sees her. if this were any other day, he'd feel bad for intruding; the siblings don't get much time to see each other due to their respestive duties, but this -- you -- were far more important.

"thoma, you look exhausted," ayaka comments as she stands and makes her way over. he'd tried to keep a level head as he traveled, but he must have tried to sprint all the way here. no wonder his chest was burning. "you look about ready to pass out. is everything alright?"

thoma doesn't respond right away. he can't, not with how tight his chest feels. his breath comes in short and shallow. he pulls the crumpled letter from his pocket. he'd crushed it impulsively after reading it. ayaka tentatively takes the note from him and gasps when she realizes who exactly was missing. there was only one person that could make him panic like this.

ayato approaches next and reads the note. his face hardens and he crumples the paper back up. "i don't believe we can spare that much mora," he says through grit teeth, "but if i explain the situation to the tenyrou commission, then--"

"that's very kind of you," thoma interjects, "but what would people think of the yashiro commission if they found out you were doing all of this for a mere retainer?"

ayaka looks cross. "you're not just a retainer, thoma." she rests a hand on his shoulders, squeezing gently when she feels trembling. "you are like family to us; you know that."

thoma inhales sharply. he's already past his limit. he hasn't felt this helpless since he first arrived in inazuma all those years ago. he really didn't miss this feeling. ayaka's heartfelt words do very little to soothe him. because while it's always nice to know that he's got a family within the kamisato siblings, he also has a family in you.

but you're not here.

molten tears sting his eyes, but he blinks them back before they get the best of him. thoma's never cried in front of anyone before, and he didn't want to start now. "i appreciate it," he says after a while, offering the siblings his most grateful smile. "but i think i'll go and get them on my own."

ayato puts his foot down. "absolutely not. you're far too valuable, thoma; going there alone would be a suicide mission, and i refuse to endanger you like that."

"then you can rest easy; you're not the one putting me in danger." thoma feels a bit of his usual energy return to him as he give ayato a reassuring smile. "i'll be endangering myself."

"that's not--" ayato sighs harshly. he rolls his shoulders back -- a sign that he's admitting defeat. as expected yashiro commissioner, he's likely already thought ahead. he can't stop thoma. they both know it. "very well. come back safe. do you understand? that's an order."

ayaka nods and steps beside her brother. she doesn't look like she agrees, but there's not much she can do now. thoma supposes it's for the best. he gives them both a grin before accepting the order and leaving a bow. as soon as he exits the room, the smile drops from his face. he was going to head straight for that island without wasting another second. "i'll be there soon." he mutters to the open air.

getting to jinren island took a lot longer than he hoped it would.

it was so far off the coast of narukami; he could see why it was a gathering place for criminals. thoma hadn't been very subtle in his arrival, so he's greeted by about four treasure hoarders, two of which held large shovels. after doing a quick sweep, thoma notices that none of them have visions.

good. that makes this a lot easier then.

thoma raises his hands in surrender. "gentlemen." he greets with his most diplomatic smile.

"where's the mora?" one of the bulkier men demands. he growls when thoma clicks his tongue.

"now, now, don't you boys know how negotiations work?" he chides gently, like a parent scolding their child. "especially when something as precious as another person's life is at stake... has no one ever taught you this? let me confirm that they're alive first, and then you get the money."

the treasure hoarders aren't as stupid as he was hoping. one of them shoves a blade in his face. thoma doesn't flinch.

"boss says that that's not how it goes."

"do you not trust me?" thoma raises a brow before jerking his head in the direction of the boat he came in on. "if you don't believe me, then by all means, feel free to check my bag."

the criminals locate his bag easily. they lift it with some difficulty and hear the familiar jingling of what they assume is mora. thoma has to bite back a mocking laugh when he realizes that they didn't even check the bag; they just thought he brought mora. content with the "ransom", they escort thoma further onto the island.

there's a wooden cage in the center of some platform on a hill, and more treasure hoarders standing guard around it. there's more wooden cages, but since no one is near those, it's safe to assume they were empty. when thoma finally steps onto the platform, he sees you.

you're crumpled on the floor of the cage, your body curled in on itself. it looked like you'd passed out while clutching your stomach. thoma blindly sprints towards you and glares at a treasure hoarder until he opens the cage. the door swings open, and thoma's by your side in an instant, fretting over your unconscious body. you don't wake when he shakes you, and bile rises to his mouth again. he tilts you to get a better look at your face, and--

"how long were they here." thoma doesn't recognize his own voice. he gingerly wipes the fresh blood from under your nose with his thumb, grimacing when he feels some more dried blood crumble beneath it. your breathing shallow and stuttered, and thoma feels rage beginning to simmer. you have a black eye and there's both dried and fresh blood caked to your forehead. you have a few deep cuts on your cheeks that have clearly been treated with very little care, and as thoma's eyes trail down your body, he sees violet and yellowing bruises extend down into your clothes.

the rage grows to a boil in no time. "i asked how long they were here." thoma speaks again. "answer me."

a scrawny treasure hoarder nearby shrugs. "about three days."

that's exactly how long you were gone for. you must never have even made it to your parents.

thoma's about to summon his spear when a deep groan bubbles out of your chest. his anger fizzles like a spark dampened by water as he watches you wake up. "hey, hey." he whispers, his smile fragile as your eyes flutter open. his heart crumbles as he sees you try your best to focus on him, especially with your bruised eye. "good morning, sunshine."

his attempt to keep you calm doesn't work. you hardly get to rasp his name before you're coughing violently, tears forming in your eyes as you do. you can't seem to stop, and the very sensation only seems to worsen the pain. "what are you--" you're interrupted by your own coughing again.

thoma shushes you gently. you must have a broken rib. "i came to pick you up. you were late for our date, you know." he's trying so hard to remain calm, trying to keep himself sane since he's finally found you, but when you return his weak smile and he sees the blood staining your teeth, the rage reignites itself.

"took you long enough." you wheeze. your eyes lose focus again. "you're a little blurrier than i remember you." you try to joke.

thoma doesn't laugh. he knows you're trying to put him at ease, but it's not working. it's not going to work. he slips away from you and rises to his feet. "that's fine, baby. get some more rest for me, yeah? let me finish up here and then we can go home."

the treasure hoarders around you two sense something’s off and brandish their weapons, pointing them at thoma, whose got his own polearm at the ready. "what do you think you're doing?!" one of the men yells.

on the ground, you call thoma's name. "w-what's going on? what are you--?"

your boyfriend turns around for a second and gives you his sweetest smile. even with hazy vision, you can see the playful shimmer of his emerald eyes. "sleep for just a little while longer, baby." he faces the enraged treasure hoarders again, his voice dropping to something you've never heard before. "i'll be quick."

(he wouldn't know until it was over, but you had actually passed out as soon as soon as he told you to sleep. it wasn't so much that you were obeying him, but more that you physically couldn't stay conscious any longer.)

thoma doesn't think he's ever fought so viciously in his life.

he swings his polearm to the side, relishing in the cracking he hears as he knocks over two treasure hoarders. he makes quick work of the potioneers, bringing the base of his polearm down on the backs of their heads without a second thought. they crumple like ragdolls, and for a split second, he wonders if he killed them. he wanted to kill them -- he wanted nothing more than to skewer each and every one of these bastards and fling them into the ocean -- but if anyone were to find out what happened here, it would only complicate things.

he tries to avoid killing the remaining few, but not without stabbing them in non-vital areas with the blade of his weapon. one of the treasure hoarders has the gall to beg for mercy. "funny," he chuckles, swiping the blood off his cheek with a thumb, "i'm sure my lover said the same thing."

the last treasure hoarder gives him a hard way to go. the rest of the shovel holders went down pretty quickly, but this one clearly dwarfed everyone with his size. thoma assesses him very quickly and nearly succumbs to the darkest thought in his head.

someone had to die for this. one body wouldn't hurt, would it?

his next thought halts him in his tracks, nearly getting his head crushed by the burly treasure hoarder. as nice as it would be to kill at least one person, screw the commission -- if you found out, what would you think of him then? thoma makes up his mind quickly and inserts himself into the fight once more.

after a lengthy struggle, thoma finally manages to jam his polearm into the treasure hoarder's thigh, bringing him to his knees. thoma finishes the fight with a solid crack to the back of his head, knocking him out cold. he observes the mess he made and nods to himself. this felt good; giving them what they deserved. he makes his way back over to you.

you're exactly where he left you, curled on the floor of the cage. thoma picks you up as gently as he can and carries you back to the boat he came in on. he's about to rest you down when he sees two more boats coming in, both bearing symbols of the kamisato clan.

ayato and ayaka were on one boat. even after he told them not to, they came to assist him. the other boat held a few samurai to arrest the treasure hoarders. ayato helps thoma carry you onto their sturdier boat while ayaka strokes your head to keep you asleep amidst all the commotion. her touch is feather light, and it works to keep you asleep.

maybe it works a little too well, because the next time you open your eyes, you're in a bed.

you wake with a start, desperately sucking in air as if you were drowning. you regret it immediately as your lungs and ribcage scream in protest. a large set of hands is on you quickly, the one on your back rubbing soothing circles. you slap it away quickly. "don't touch me, i-- thoma?"

any fight you managed to muster leaves your body at the sight of your boyfriend by your side. there's dark circles under his eyes, shadowing their usual forest green color. "hey, stranger. you feel any better?"

your shoulders droop and you reach over, holding his face in your hand. thoma leans into your touch, holding onto your wrist for dear life. he practically nuzzles your palm with closed eyes, waiting for you response. you're so shocked by his behavior that it takes you a minute. "how... how long was i asleep for?"

thoma's eyes open, but not all the way. "about 36 hours. you..." he sighs, clearly bothered by the information. "you got roughed up pretty bad. how do you feel?"

"i feel like death, but did you sleep?" you brush your thumb over his cheek, your heart cracking when he sighs, content. "you must have been so worried, thoma, i'm sor--"

"don't," he snaps. he catches himself, murmuring an apology. "don't say sorry. no, i didn't sleep much. i was just-- i was worried you'd disappear again. last time you left my sight, you..."

every word seems to take more and more energy out of him. you may be the injured one, but thoma's distress has to be the most painful thing for you right now. love works so strange sometimes. you move your hand and run your fingers through his hair. "i'm not going anywhere again, okay?" you giggle lightly when thoma nearly purrs at the feeling. "look at you. you're like a giant cat."

"i'm your giant cat." he smiles then, and you see a glimmer of his usual self start to show. you know you mean a lot to him, but to see just how much is almost overwhelming. "i love you. so, so much, you know?"

"yeah." you grin. maybe you'll heal faster with him by your side. "i know. now go get some sleep, thoma. i'll be here in the morning."

"...you promise?"

you beckon him towards you, remembering your usual promise tradition. he leans in and you peck his lips, laughing when he starts to pout. there he is, you think. there's your thoma.

"i promise."

✧ — 𝐤𝐚𝐳𝐮𝐡𝐚 — ✧

kazuha will never forgive himself for not being the first to notice your absence.

it's beidou who brings it up first. it had been a few weeks since the crew made a stop in liyue harbor. everyone went their separate ways; some to visit family, some, like kazuha, to explore the surrounding areas. you and kazuha had gone your separate ways two days ago since he decided to venture further out, but you had responsibilities aboard the alcor.

"are you going to set sail with us again?" you finally mustered up the courage to ask. you were on edge all night, caught between asking kazuha to just stay with you and letting him go. you knew he was a free spirit, and you feared that once he started on his journey, you two would have to part ways for good.

kazuha crossed the room and sat beside you, his head tilted in question. "are you afraid that i might not?"

you nod wordlessly. it's embarrassing enough that you had to ask; you probably sounded clingy, and you knew how much kazuha hated it, even if he never said it out loud.

"...it seems like you've come to a conclusion without me. may i pick your brain, my love?" he nudged your shoulder with his.

it was impossible to keep secrets from him. you knew this. kazuha's observation skills were second to none, even when it didn't involve nature. you decided to confide in him, knowing that your relationship wouldn't grow unless you communicated. "i'm just worried that you might not return."

kazuha hummed. "if it's my combat skills that youre concerned about..."

"no, no, it's not that! i... i feel like once you leave, you'll find that you're happier out there." you swallowed down the unwelcome tightness in your throat. "you're a wanderer, kazuha, and i'm bound to the alcor. i'm scared that after this little break, you won't want to come back."

kazuha, stunned by your vulnerability, blinked a few times. even though you valued communication, you still struggled to talk to anybody, including him. he looked at you a little longer, trying to figure out why you would think he would ever leave your side.

it's true that he's a free spirit, but even the wind has to settle sometimes.

"dove," he said, taking your hand in his own, "i could never leave you for long." he chuckled at the look of mild disbelief that you gave him. "to me, it sounds as though you thought i would be upset with you for asking me to stay."

"i don't want to stifle you." you confessed. "i love you too much to do that to you."

kazuha made a small "ah" noise. he got off the bed and stood between your legs, tilting your head so you could look up at him. "ask me to stay." he pursed his lips for a moment. "on second thought, tell me to stay."

it wasn't worded like a question. you hesitated.

"i love you as you love me, perhaps even more so, if you would believe me." kazuha's hands explored your face gently, fingers smoothing over your eyebrows or lightly pinching at your nose. he had the most lovestruck smile on his face, and it made you flush. "i would do anything for you; i would grow roots and stay by your side if you'd let me."

"of course i'd let you!"

kazuha leaned down. "then tell me." he whispered. "tell me to stay. wherever you go, i'll go; wherever you stay, i'll stay. to the ends of teyvat, my dove, i would follow you anywhere."

this wasn't what you had in mind when you made up your mind to talk to him. you felt as though you were a child with a crush all over again, growing more and more flustered by the second with how close kazuha was to your face. he kissed your cheek. "go on, dove. say it."

"kazuha..." your heart sat in your throat, and the lump you suppressed earlier returned with a vengeance. "i don't know, i--"

your lover kissed your other cheek, his ruby eyes encouraging you to answer. you hated that you were so conflicted over this, but if he grew to hate you for forcing him to settle down--

"you're not forcing me," kazuha said. your face burned as you realized you said that out loud. he kissed your lips this time. "you're so lovely, my little dove. say it."

your walls came toppling down a lot easier than you expected. the pros of having kazuha around greatly outweighed the cons, and if he ever did wish to go his own way, then that was a conversation he would most likely have with you. he wouldn't just abandon you without a word. so you tell him.

"stay." you barely had the word out before kazuha kissed you, stealing it right from your lips.

"again." he murmured.

"please, stay."

kazuha pressed light kisses all over your face, drinking in the giggle you gave him. "as you wish."

you had little difficulty parting with him after that. reassured by the promise of return, you flew through your tasks aboard the ship with ease as you waited for the day kazuha returned.

but when he did return, you were nowhere to be found.

kazuha knows that he shouldn't blame himself for not being able to find you first, but he does anyways. he wasn't the first to board the alcor -- beidou was. when he got there later that morning, she pulled him into her cabin and slammed two things on the table. it was a dagger and a sheet of paper with demands scribbled on it. he didn't have to read the contents to know what it meant.

"i couldn't find them when i got here," she sighs, her arms folded tightly over her chest, "so i asked any early crewmates but they said they haven't seen them either. then i found this stabbed into my door."

kazuha's jaw jumps as he tries to find the proper words to say. he now understands how you must feel whenever you're trying to stop yourself from being crass with people who you dislike. his eyes flutter shut. if he looks at that letter any longer, he'll have much more trouble containing himself. "what does it say," he asks flatly. "who is it and what do they want?"

beidou, who seems equally as pissed as kazuha, reads the ransom note again. "they want all our valuables, so... my guess is treasure hoarders. how did those scummy bastards manage to organize something like this in the first place?"

how, indeed. it's a great question. kazuha doesn't care for the answer. "is there a location?"

the captain squints. "don't tell me you actually want me to surrender our supplies." if she were anybody else, that would come across as her prioritizing materials over your safety, but kazuha knows her better than that. he can see it when he opens his eyes. "it says they're near qingxu pool. there's a bunch of abandoned homes out there, so--"

"will you assist me, captain?" kazuha's not the brash type, never one to interrupt someone midsentence unless absolutely necessary, but beidou takes no offense to it. his expression is blank -- too void of emotion to be normal. needless to say, she gets why he's being a little impulsive.

beidou herself isn't one to dive headfirst into situations like this. as the captain of the crux fleet, she is not only responsible for overseeing the crew's behavior and the ship's maintenance, she is also a diplomat meant to keep the peace.

but she, like kazuha, is also a fighter. her answering smile is sharp. "i'll go inform the crew that we're gonna delay our departure."

once technicalities are out of the way, kazuha and beidou exit liyue harbor and walk towards the designated location. the trip is silent as kazuha tries to imagine all the ways this could go.

if he found you and you were unscathed, then he would have no trouble taking you and leaving. treasure hoarders like these don't have the means of following you. if you had a few scratches, then maybe he'd have to get physical.

an intrusive thought gives him pause. what if this was a trap and you were already dead?

"kazuha." beidou's voice makes him jump. she's stopped walking as well. they're finally here. "just know that whatever happens in there, i don't blame you."

kazuha runs her words through an internal translator right away.

"if you feel the need to kill someone, then go ahead."

it's sickening, feeling like a rabid dog on a stray leash. but never, not once in kazuha's life has he ever experienced something like this. he's a bit lost in the motions. he follows closely behind beidou as she approaches where the treasure hoarders are holding you captive.

your kidnappers did a horrible job hiding you. kazuha and beidou find you slumped against the concrete wall, your hands bound by some flimsy rope. neither of them make a sound, nor do they move to free you right away. it's not the presence of poorly hidden treasure hoarders that's got them frozen in place but rather, the that state you're in.

dried blood cakes the wall behind you, smeared a little bit above your head and trails down to where the back of your head rests. a rainbow palette of bruises paints your arms and face, and there's blood on your forehead and at the corner of your mouth.

kazuha reaches for his sword without a moment's hesitation. beidou stops him. "not yet." she warns. then, "we know you're there! come on out before i come and find you myself."

surprisingly (or not; treasure hoarders are pathetic excuses for human beings), the kidnappers come out. there's a large number of them, but that, too, is to be expected. they provoked the woman who took on the haishan alone and a samurai whose skills they knew nothing about. their cooperation may be a ploy, but a head count is pretty helpful.

"fourteen," kazuha says aloud. seven shouldn't be a problem for him. he's encountered more enemies on the run.

"where's the goods?" a skinny treasure hoarder asks. "we told you we'd kill them if you didn't bring what we asked."

beidou shifts her posture once before summoning her weapon, resting it on her shoulder. the entire room crackles with the tension of an upcoming battle. "touch them one more time, and i'll have to get my hands dirtier than usual."

her threat does nothing. a treasure hoarder next to you pushes you with his foot and you groan. you're alive, but--

"kazuha, wait." beidou commands.

kazuha didn't even realize he'd drawn his own sword. you once praised him for his exceptional restraint and ability to keep himself cool under pressure. he skims your body once more and notices that something’s... off. something’s missing. "their vision." kazuha finally speaks. "where is it?"

a treasure hoarder to his left laughs and pulls your anemo vision from his pocket, waving it around tauntingly. "you mean this thing?" he sneers.

the flashbacks happen so fast that it nearly blinds him.

the sight of his best friend being defeated right before his eyes, his cracked blade falling at his feet. his vision flying through the air, devoid of its elemental glow.

the hysterical cries of people who had been robbed of their visions -- their ambitions. the rainbow that projected onto the ground in inazuma city during mid-afternoon, the sun reflecting off of the confiscated visions.

there's a flash and a clang before something -- the treasure hoarder's severed forearm -- hits the ground with a dull thud.

your vision now rests safely in kazuha's hands. "yes," he replies to the treasure hoarder he unknowingly attacked, his agonized screams falling on uncaring ears. "this thing."

beidou mutters, "fuck it," before charging at the seven treasure hoarders on her left. her powerful strikes are audible as she swings her claymore. kazuha cradles your vision as he takes on the remaining six treasure hoarders.

if you were to ask kazuha what happened that day, he probably wouldn't be able to tell you. not because he's ashamed of what he did, but because he really and truly doesn't remember.

adrenaline and molten fury give kazuha the strength he needs to cut down each of his opponents. he doesn't miss a single one -- doesn't leave a single stone unturned. each treasure hoarder he encountered met the same fate. when there's finally one treasure hoarder left, kazuha doesn't kill him right away.

"in your next life," kazuha seethes, his voice foreign to his own ears, "you will die another death by my hands." he silences the treasure hoarders please by dragging his sword across his neck, and like that, brings the fight to a close.

kazuha peers down at your vision, which is still pulsing with life. you may be incapacitated, but perhaps this was your way of giving him strength. when he sees blood smeared on the shell, a twinge of guilt starting to grow. "you said you wouldn't blame me." he says as the adrenaline seeps out of him. "do you think they would--"

beidou slaps the back of his head, shutting him up. "please, they'd have started fighting a hell of a lot sooner than you did." she looks him over once before looking down at herself. the two of them are covered in blood, none which was their own. "ugh, let's go. there's doctors that can treat them on board."

kazuha cups the back of his head with a quiet hiss, but follows along anyways. he heads over to you and picks you up as gently as he can, careful not to upset any wounds you may have that he can't see. "i'm sorry i didn't come sooner, dove." he whispers. "i'm so, so sorry."

when you finally wake up, it's to the sound of seagulls. you shoot into an upright position, but your vision starts to swim and you feel the need to throw up. you lean back on the headboard. what the hell happened? why did you feel like someone ragdolled you into a wall? you close your eyes and try to listen to the crash of waves outside. at least you were on the alcor -- maybe you should try to remember what happened until someone came in. the door opens about 45 minutes later, and you're greeted by a familiar head of platinum hair.

it's kazuha.

he rushes over and kneels at your bedside. your lover doesn't say anything for a long while as he cups your hands and bows his head away from your sight, his shoulders shaking slightly. thankfully, you managed to recall what happened in the two days you were apart, so you can't blame him for being this way. he must have been scared stiff.

the only thing you can think to say in the moment is, "welcome home, kazuha."

his shoulders still for a moment before starting again, but this time, you can hear soft laughter. kazuha looks up at you, his eyes teary. "i'm back, dove," he says, pressing your hands to his forehead. "i'm back."

"did you miss me?" it's a cheeky question, and probably a bit calloused considering what happened, but you both needed a smile right about now. kazuha's smile grows, and your heart flutters.

"more than anything." kazuha kisses the back of your hands, the gesture laden with affection and longing. "a day apart from you feels like an eternity, my star."

you chuckle. "never have truer words been spoken."

kazuha pushes himself off the floor and sits on the bed near you, holding your face in his hands. you're sure you're still swollen and bruised; you must be unsightly and yet kazuha's looking at you like you hung the stars in the sky for him. he leans forward and rests his forehead on yours.

"you are my everything." he declares softly. it's like a prayer to you and you alone, spoken a space inhabited only by the two of you. his words are sacred and special, and you soak in every last one. "the brightest star in my sky; my universe."

you're starting to get dizzy. he must have been terrified by your absence. "kazuha--"

his lips cover your own and you melt, unable to resist him. "i adore you." he says when he pulls away. "i always will."

you cling to those words like they're your last lifeline. "and i, you." you say in return, shutting your eyes when he kisses you again.

✧ (whew! this monster grew bigger and bigger as i wrote it! i got carried away again,,, but! i do hope you enjoyed reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it!)

[kazewhara]

so long to pinky...

# — pairing: kazuha x gn!reader

# — characters: gender neutral med student!reader, barista!kazuha

# — warnings: n/a

# — tags: takes place in the spidey!kazuha au i promise, fluff, first kiss (bc zuzu is a weakling), reader is a simp, medical terminology (carpal bones)

# — notes: don't mind the title much, it's just the beginning of an acronym. but y'all, it's 1:30 am, i am a filthy fucking simp, and it's showing. i fucking folded. writer's block be damned. as always, reblogs and reactions are greatly appreciated, and i hope you enjoy!

wanna join the tag list?

✧ — 🍁 + ☕ — ✧

"is there something on my face?"

"what? oh, n-no, no," you stammer, your face practically catching fire as you turn your eyes elsewhere. "i'm sorry. can you repeat the question again?"

kazuha's eyes don't leave your face and you suppress a whimper of embarrassment. you're supposed to be studying right now; he was gracious enough to offer his help even if he had no idea what the hell he was looking at (his words, not yours), and yet here you sat, completely ignoring him as he tried to quiz you on the material.

well, perhaps "ignoring" isn't the right word. it's not like you want to tune him out. if anything, you wish you could drown in the sound of his voice; the smooth timbre, the slight lilt in his tone, the embarrassed chuckles whenever he messes up a medical term. it's just hard to focus on his voice when you're also enchanted by the rest of him: his eyes, his hair, the little beauty marks that litter his skin here and there...

you flinch when kazuha hums, seemingly oblivious to your mental breakdown. "it's asking you to list the carpal bones of the hand," he says. you spare a glance at him and see the sheepish grin on his face. "i know there was an acronym that you spoke about last time, but i don't remember it."

the answer comes to you automatically, but you falter as you struggle to re-center your thoughts. does that mean he tried to remember this stuff in order to help you study? he wasn't even in the sciences; is he really that dedicated to helping you study? your brain lags at the thought. "um..." you answer as you sift through your memory. but the more you try to recover information, you find it being blocked by thoughts of kazuha's generosity.

kazuha slides your textbook towards him and flips it open until he finds the correct page. "ah, here it is. do you need help?" he offers.

again with the kindness. your heart skips a beat. god, can't you just be normal for like, five seconds? he's doing the bare minimum and you're two seconds from passing out. "uh, no, hold on..." you mutter. you press your fingers to your lips in thought. "dammit, i know this, i swear."

"'so long to pinky, here comes the thumb'." kazuha murmurs. you peek at him and see him raising his eyebrows at you encouragingly.

suddenly, your mind clears. how could you forget? "oh!" you exclaim. "scaphoid, lunate, triquetrum, pisiform, hamate, capitate, trapezoid, trapezium! right?"

kazuha rewards you with a smile. "correct. you're amazing."

"you're too kind." you wave off his praise to give yourself peace of mind.

he does this often, you note; he speaks so highly of you for doing such little things, almost like he's as enamored by you as you are by him. it should be expected, seeing as you've been on six dates already — it'd be strange if he didn't reciprocate your feelings by at least a little. but the very idea of your feelings being mutual still feels foreign to you even though he's admitted it to your face before.

"i'm just stating the truth." kazuha reaches out and rests his hand over yours. his hands are warm and calloused; a feeling you've come to love. he slips his fingers between yours and you allow them to tangle together. kazuha calls your name softly. "you really are incredible."

your fingers twitch and again, you avert your eyes to the world outside. you desperately look for something else to focus on in fear of seeing the expression kazuha is wearing. "that's too much, really..." you brush his praise off a second time.

after a brief pause, you suddenly feel something warm and soft pressing against the back of your hand. you jump slightly, not expecting the contact. kazuha's always been forward, but this is new. you look over at him in a panic only to see mirth twinkling in the amber undertones of his eyes. "you're finally looking at me," he says. your hand is still close to his lips and you can't help but look at them. "hello."

"...hi.." you reply. "what are you..?"

"consider it a reward for getting the answer right." kazuha lowers your hand, but doesn't let it go. he flips through the textbook again. "shall we continue?" he asks.

you blink owlishly at him. "uh, yeah." your head feels unnaturally vacant, but you agree anyhow. as kazuha flips to find something else, you see the tips of his ears growing redder as he smooths his thumb over the back of your hand.

your study session goes a little like this:

kazuha asks a question. if you get it right, he rewards you by kissing your hand. if you get it wrong, he pinches you.

it's childish, sure, but somehow, it's working; you're retaining and recalling information with more ease than before. reward is more than worth it, you think, especially since kazuha makes eye contact with you over your fingers. it's gentlemanly and alluring, you just have to see it more often.

but at some point, kazuha raises the stakes.

he keeps your hand in his grip as he speaks. "since my break ends soon, how about we make the last one count?" a smirk starts to form on his face. "what do you think about changing the reward?"

"oh?" you tilt your head curiously. "what do you have in mind?"

"if you answer this last one," kazuha lifts your hand and rests it against his face, "i'll kiss you."

suddenly, you're back to square one. your heart damn near stops. "you've been kissing me for a while," you reply. "that's not much of a change."

"you're misunderstanding me." kazuha reaches across the table and swipes his thumb gently over your bottom lip. his eyes zero in on your mouth. "i'll kiss you. do you understand?"

you've never understood something clearer in your life. you nod and swallow thickly. "what... what happens if i get it wrong?"

"there are no wrong answers for this one. it's a yes or no question." kazuha lowers his hand. "then, the question..." he goes quiet for a second. kazuha's cheeks become pinker by the second, and you feel yourself getting antsy. why is he hesitating?

"the question is," he finally murmurs, "do i have permission to kiss you?"

it's a no-brainer. (funny, considering how you literally feel like your brain has up and abandoned you in this moment.)

you nod, but kazuha shakes his head. "i need a verbal answer, petal." his hand comes back up to cup your cheek. "may i kiss you?" he asks again.

"yes," you croak. you clear your throat, not liking how small your voice sounds. you want to sound as sure about this as you feel. leaning into his touch, you try again. "yes, i... please."

kazuha doesn't need any more confirmation than that. he leans in and so do you. your nerves get the better of you and you close your eyes. you can feel kazuha's breathy chuckle against your lips. "you're cute." he whispers.

before you can protest, kazuha closes the distance between you and presses his mouth to yours, causing flowers to bloom in your chest. distantly, in the back of your mind, you think that he tastes of jasmine.

your first kiss is chaste and slow, and kazuha breaks the kiss before either of you can get carried away. he keeps his forehead pressed against yours as he whispers. "i would stay here forever with you if i could."

you can still feel his lips against yours. greedily and impulsively, you peck his lips once more and giggle at the noise of surprise that he makes. "you have to get back to work," you sigh.

"as do you." kazuha pulls away, but his hand stays on your face, his calloused thumb rubbing small circles against your skin. he's blushing; roses bloom on his cheeks and there's a content smile brightening his face. "will you wait for me?"

you hum. you feel sated. "i'll be here," you tell him. "go."

kazuha takes a few more seconds to admire you before he's standing. "i won't be long," he promises. "i'll see you later."

as you watch him return to his job, the bell chimes from above the café entrance, signaling a customer's arrival. with rosy cheeks and smile that melts you from the inside out, kazuha greets the customer.

"hello." his voice is like a symphony. you return to your own work and focus on his voice, the sound of it keeping you afloat. "welcome to..."

✦ *bangs head on wall*

✦ i know, i know, this is technically just barista!kazuha but we're jumping around this au, okay? don't mind the disorganization <3

[kazewhara]

the bell chimes above the door signaling a customer’s arrival. “hello,” kazuha says from behind the counter. “welcome to… ah, it’s you.” a smile warms his expression when he lays eyes on you. “how are you feeling today?”

you feel your heart kick up an unsteady rhythm at the sight of the barista’s smile. it’s been a few months and yet every time you see it, you feel a little weak in the knees. sometimes, you aren’t sure if you keep coming back for the coffee or for kazuha. maybe it’s both.

“pretty tired,” you shrug. months of interacting with him have granted you the ability to navigate your conversations with ease. “and you?”

kazuha tilts his head to the side slightly and you think you can see the tips of his ears turning red. “would it be too forward of me to say that i’m feeling better now that you’re here?” his ruby eyes never leave your face. “i missed you this morning; i was wondering what happened since you didn’t come to get your usual.”

…maybe you might need a couple more months before you can feel like a normal person in front of him.

you blink at him a few times, unsure of how to respond. he’s being… bolder than usual. it’s not unpleasant, but you’re absolutely floored by it. you hope it’s not showing on your face. you try to smooth it over with a half smile. “it was a pretty hectic morning,” you reply, not addressing his flirtatious comment. “i would’ve been late for class if i stopped by, but i’m here now.”

if kazuha is disappointed by your lack of reciprocation, he doesn’t show it. his smile grows just a bit wider. “you are. welcome back.” his gaze lingers on you for just a moment longer before he drops his eyes to the register. “anyways, um… will you have your usual, then?”

shit, were you staring at him just now? you try to stomp out the flames of panic before they grow too big, but you can’t contain them fast enough. your face starts to grow warm. “ah, uh, yeah, sorry.” you walk up to pay for it and avoid eye contact the entire time. god only knows if you’d end up lost in his eyes or something again.

you head towards your usual table and pull out some study materials. you can see the words in the book you’re reading and you’re writing down notes like usual, but your head really isn’t in it. you’ve been daydreaming a lot more these days and you know exactly why. lately, your thoughts have been occupied by not one, but two men. it feels like a situation straight out of a bad romance movie — hell, it would be if one of those men wasn’t literally a masked vigilante.

over the past couple months, during the day, you’d find yourself here, studying and picking up light conversation with kazuha, the barista who also happens to be a student at the university you go to. he’s been an absolute sweetheart from the get-go; the first time you came here, he noticed that you were struggling with some work and offered to help you study. he’s not a med student, but he tried his best anyways.

after two weeks of showing up regularly, you started to learn more about him during your study breaks. you learned that he often catsits for his friend tomo and that he likes fish quite a bit. you remember jokingly calling him a cat and watching his cheeks go pink with embarrassment. he’s a literature major, hence the quotes on every napkin he hands you, he wears contacts almost every day, and he actually prefers tea over coffee.

you pause in your writing. you really should have forgotten some of that info by now — you have enough to remember as is. you peek up at the register to see kazuha working on your drink behind the counter. his sleeves are rolled up and even from here, you can see how focused he is. suddenly, he stops and turns to face you. again, you’ve been caught staring. to your horror, kazuha actually smirks at you, the corner of his lips curling into something so teasing that you really can’t help but let your face catch fire. you re-focus on your work and hear him laugh softly from where he is.

you’re knee deep in your work when a white mug on a matching platter slides onto your table from the corner of your eye. you pause and look up to see kazuha with a gleam in his eyes. “here you are,” he says. “and a fresh croissant for you, too. i’m not sure if you’ve eaten yet, so i didn’t want to overwhelm you with something too sweet.”

little does he know that he’s already overwhelming you by being sweet. you open your mouth to ask him to take it back, but you feel your stomach roll at the smell. “thanks, kazuha.” you pick up the croissant and pull off a small piece to start eating while he sits across from you. “don’t you have work to do?” you ask with a small frown.

“it’s a slow day,” he says, “so i’m all yours for a while, if you’ll have me.”

you can’t help but smile. “i could use the distraction, i guess.” you peek down at the napkin tucked beneath the mug and raise your brow at him. it’s blank. “no quote today?”

for the second time, you swear you see his ears changing color. kazuha points at the napkin. “no, but there’s still something written on it. take a look.”

you take the napkin and unfold it to see a string of numbers. your heart stops and restarts. “is this..?”

“my phone number,” kazuha answers for you. he keeps his eyes fixed on the napkin. “i’d been meaning to get yours for a while but i never knew how to ask, so… i figured i’d give you mine.”

your mouth feels dry. is this the universe’s way of telling you to make your decision? you fumble for something to say. “what were you going to do with my number once you got it?” you ask. you begin to eviscerate yourself mentally for asking such a stupid question.

kazuha doesn’t seem fazed by it. he meets your eyes again, and you hold your breath. “i was going to ask if you wanted to go somewhere with me sometime. preferably not here, though.” he chuckles softly. “i’m here enough as it is.”

“so a date, then.” you blurt. instantly, your face burns up again. this isn’t good for your health. “i mean..! um– not.. not a date date, but–”

“it could be one if… if that’s what you wanted.” kazuha’s smile doesn’t fade. “i certainly wouldn’t mind. i’d prefer that, actually.”

“o-oh, then…” you can feel yourself growing more embarrassed by the second, but kazuha remains as patient as ever. you try to give yourself a moment to recover by pulling out your phone and texting him a quick hello.

across from you, kazuha raises his brows and pulls out his phone.

[me]: hey

[cute barista]: hello

[cute barista]: is this how we’re going to talk now?

[me]: if i open my mouth and say something stupid again, i think i’d scare you off, so yes

[cute barista]: well rest assured, there’s literally nothing that could dampen my interest in you.

you make a pained noise in your throat. kazuha laughs.

[cute barista]: you’re really cute.

[me]: please shut up

[cute barista]: okay, okay

[cute barista]: but since we’re talking here, i guess i’ll ask:

[cute barista]: do you want to go on a date with me this sunday?

[me]: … yes. i really do

[cute barista]: sunday it is, then :)

as soon as kazuha sends that last message, the bell above the door chimes. a few people walk in — it must be the daily lunch rush. kazuha stands and pockets his phone.

“you have class soon, right?” he asks. when you nod, he smiles. “then i’ll see you sunday. i’ll text you about the details later.”

and just like that, he’s gone, off to tend to the customers that just came in while you stew in your euphoria.

[kazewhara]

stay.

# — pairing: kazuha x gn!reader

# — characters: gender neutral reader, kazuha

# — warnings: mentions of a nightmare & a sprinkle of self-deprecating thoughts (feeling bad for being selfish)

# — tags: some angst, fluff, canon semi-compliant, late night talks with kazuha, yes there are kisses involved why wouldn't there be

# — notes: it's slowly getting lighter outside, lol... anyways, like always, reblogs and reactions are always appreciated, and i hope you enjoy!

wanna join the tag list?

✧ — 🍁 — ✧

"you're spacing out again."

"hm? am i?" the frozen smile on kazuha's face thaws out and softens as you speak, the present warmth somehow warming even further. his hands are resting comfortably on your cheeks as you cry silently and your tears that once ran rivulets over your skin have their paths broken by his thumb. his hands had attached to your face like a magnet the very second he caught a glimpse of the sheen in your eyes that you tried so desperately to hide. "i don't think i am."

for the first time in about fifteen minutes, you feel the need to laugh. kazuha will never admit when he's lost in his own thoughts. as composed as he is, it's a common occurrence for him to wander into the ever-changing labyrinth that is his mind with no end in sight. it shouldn't be amazing given his ability to conjure words from nowhere at all times of the day, but what you do find a bit strange is how often he seems to lead himself astray whenever he's looking at you.

even when you're standing before him with damp cheeks and a blooming sinus headache, kazuha's lost himself in your eyes.

"you definitely are." you chuckle wetly. as... sweet as it is that kazuha finds you alluring no matter what state you're in, you feel insecurity pluck at your mental. you unconsciously rest your hand over his own and battle the urge to push it away. you're not sure if you should ask him to focus on you or to leave you alone — both options are equally unattractive to you. "what are you thinking about?" is what you come up with after a few seconds.

autumn-colored irises don't gloss over this time. there's a whisper of gold in them, and you realize just how hard it is not to lose yourself in his eyes. kazuha's standing close to you, but he steps even closer. "breathe," he says when he notices your stiffness. "i'm not going anywhere."

and that's kind of the problem, isn't it? why won't he go anywhere? why does he insist on being here all the time? why does he occupy your thoughts and dominate your life the way he does? from the moment you wake up next to him to the moment he lays down beside you at night, kaedehara kazuha is in your heart and mind, and frankly, you don't believe he belongs there sometimes.

he's a drifter; a wanderer. kazuha is like the wind, and it's something you tell yourself whenever he's gone for more than an hour. if he were to just... never return, would you be upset about it? initially, the answer would be a definite yes — that is, after all, what had woken you up so abruptly that you felt the need to wander the deck of the alcor at such an ungodly hour — but once the dust has settled and your mind is flushed free of the sorrow, would you be surprised? would you miss him?

would he miss you?

are you just another encounter in his life? does anything you do hold any real value to him? why is he still here?

"gods, this is so dumb." you hiss at yourself. when kazuha is right before you, you still think such thoughts. you could pour it all out right here, right now, right before him for the world to see, but something keeps your jaw wired shut and grindss your teeth to dust.

there's a frown forming on kazuha's features. "you're not telling me something." his thumbs swipe over your skin gently and your heart stutters in your chest. "was your nightmare about me?"

you raise an eyebrow. "how did you know i had a nightmare?" you ask. "did you learn that by staring at me?"

"you always get up and walk after nightmares." kazuha corrects you. he sounds patient; concerned. "did you think i wouldn't notice?"

you shrug half-heartedly, but swallow back the sudden nervousness in your throat. does that mean he noticed everything else you've been worrying about?

kazuha wouldn't be kazuha if he wasn't paying attention to your every move and privy to your every thought. "you also just told me yourself. you didn't deny it, petal."

ah, you think absently, and he's just a normal, observant guy.

soft lips press against your forehead. "you've been having these nightmares for a few nights now. i haven't followed you so as to give you peace of mind, but enough is enough. i'm so worried about you." kazuha murmurs his concerns so quietly, you almost miss them over the distant crash of the waves against the side of the ship. "i don't want to push you into telling me what's troubling you," he continues, "but i want to remind you that you don't have to shoulder that burden alone. you shouldn't, in my opinion, but i can't force you to speak to me."

you sigh. you want to tell him. you should tell him. you have to tell him. but...

"i know." is all you can manage at first. tell him. tell him, tell him, tell him. "but..."

kazuha perks up at that. you can see the way he eagerly awaits your confession, his hands dropping from your face to your hands, locking your fingers with his and holding them between the two of you.

and so you tell him.

you don't spare a single detail and kazuha doesn't miss a single one. he soaks in every last word, nodding along and transferring some of the weight on your shoulders onto his own. and after you've finished, he waits a moment before speaking.

"after what happened at tenshukaku, you must have overheard me saying that i would part with the crux once i felt the need." there's a crease between his brows that you want to smooth out. your fingers twitch as he keeps talking. "but that was over six months ago now. it sounds like you don't want me to leave but you're--"

"wondering why you haven't already," you finish for him. "like i said, i don't want you to, but... i've been steeling myself for the inevitable for months, kazuha. i'm so tired." your voice cracks and you look away from him. you can feel his eyes never leaving your frame. "you didn't know i heard that, so i understand why there hasn't been an answer. but i need one. please."

there's that silence again. it's broken by the waves and, if you strain your ears, the footsteps of xu liushi as he tirelessly keeps a lookout for any danger, but there is still silence as kazuha thinks about his next words. he's so careful with his words when he's with you -- even more so than usual. there's pauses between his words with you that aren't there when he speaks to others.

kazuha squeezes your fingers. "tell me to stay."

"what?" that's what he comes up with after two minutes of nothing? what was the point in telling him all of that? if it was that easy, you would have done that already. "i can't do that."

"do you not want me to stay, then?" kazuha feigns a look of hurt.

"will you leave if i don't say it?" as soon as the words leave your mouth, the two of you wince in tandem. the very thought of being separated so easily brings you both so much pain that it shows.

kazuha gives you a tiny smile. "of course not. not even an archon could take me from your side, dove." his smile grows into something bordering on cocky — his words hold much more weight seeing as how the electro archon quite literally failed to kill him. he had the lightning scars on his chest and arms to back it up. "but i want to return the favor."

"favor?"

"you taught me to be greedy." beneath the azure glow of the moon, kazuha's crimson cuts clean through it all. he stands out, to put it lightly, and he commands your attention. a gentle breeze brushes his bangs across his forehead. "i want to teach it to you as well."

greed? is that was this was about? were you not being selfish enough? did you not want enough for yourself? when you try to think about hoarding kazuha for your own selfish needs of being loved, you feel guilt standing close by. and immediately, you realize how right he is. even still... "if you come to resent me for tying you down," you ask, a self-deprecating smile souring your face, "what then?"

"as if i would ever resent you for anything." kazuha practically scoffs. he brings your hands up and rests them on his own face, holding them in place. "i am yours from now until forever, songbird. please; tell me to stay."

"i want to." you say. his skin is so warm beneath your fingers. his gaze is so laden with love that you can feel it prickling your cheeks and warming it. you're honest with him — it's impossible not to be. "but kazuha, if you want to leave... i-if you don't want to stay, then--"

kazuha wastes no time covering your mouth with his own, swallowing your doubts with a kiss. your mind goes haywire with the shock, but you reciprocate with a soft sigh. it takes a minute or two before your lover is pulling away and resting his forehead on yours. "you think too much." he mumbles in the space between you. his voice is the loudest, most soothing thing you have ever heard. "talk too much, too. did you know that, dove?"

you huff a laugh. "i learned from the best."

kazuha kisses you again, even longer this time. his lips are soft, so soft, yet so grounding. his kisses are familiar -- they're like coming home and shedding the layers of the day; like resting all your burdens at the door. kazuha is like relief personified, and it's in the way he tilts his head to deepen the kiss, the way you mirror his actions almost on instinct, the way you can feel your breathing evening out. you hadn't realized how much more worked up you were becoming, but with kazuha here, so present and so real before you, you can finally make out one thought.

"stay." you whisper when you finally part. you sound so desperate, so needy, but in that one word you've poured six months worth of desire. "stay with me."

kazuha kisses you quick and pulls you into an embrace. his forehead rests against your shoulder as he holds you close. "for you, my love," he whispers in return, "anything."

✧ born out of sleep deprivation, a horrible nightmare, and overwhelmingly negative emotions (and dehydration)... here you go! this was supposed to be a "stop getting lost in my eyes" cute fluff thing but uh. you can literally see that evolve here, so 😭

[kazewhara]

petrichor.

# — pairing: kazuha x gn!reader

# — characters: gender neutral reader, kazuha

# — warnings: brief description of making out

# — tags: fluff, modern au, reader's got it bad for kazuha, yes this is self-indulgent, tiny angst drop

# — notes: i'll go stand in the naughty corner now. it's almost 4 am and i'm still stuck on masked kazuha. i was supposed to sleep. i'll stop now, promise. as always, reblogs and reactions are greatly appreciated, and i hope you enjoy!

wanna join the tag list?

✧ — 🍁 — ✧

"can i...?"

you tentatively reach towards his mask, your fingers hovering over the material in question. the man before you reaches up and closes his hand around your wrist gently. "what are you asking for?" he asks in return.

you swallow thickly, your mouth suddenly too dry for you to form the right words. you wish you could see his eyes better so you could have a clue as to what he's thinking. you only ever know that he's looking at you from the way the hairs on your body stand on end. right now, your entire body is on alert, prickling at the feeling of being watched. "i..." you reply dumbly. "i don't know."

"you're lying." he tugs you closer by your wrist, so that your nose is practically touching that of the mask. if his face was uncovered, you would be sharing a breath. "tell me the truth." his voice, though muffled by the mask, cuts straight through your senses. outside, rain begins to fall, the battering of raindrops on your windows filling the silences left between his words. "what do you want?"

it amazes you, it really does, how you've come to this point with him. three months ago, you were afraid that this man would turn his katana on you for having seen him carrying out his missions. you were, and still are, a liability, one that he should have taken care of long, long ago. yet here you sit, across from the man whose true name you don't even know, shuffling in place as you hesitate to ask to kiss him.

your feelings for this man, who introduced himself as 'momiji' for the sake of anonymity, came as no shock to you. call it cliché, but it was impossible not to fall for this masked stranger. he's the reason why you walked away from your first encounter with your life; he's the reason why your first aid stock has tripled in size over the past few weeks; he's the reason why your friends have had to shake you out of a daze at least once everyday.

and though he carries a lethal weapon on his person at all times, and though you've seen him in action, drawing blood from the throats of many a man, he's carved out a space for himself in a corner of your heart and securely tucked himself away.

the man's grip tightens on your wrist. "are you not going to answer me?"

you blink yourself back into reality. this is why your friends tease you these days. "no, that's not it." you hurry your response. you had a plan to answer him but got so lost in your thoughts that you forgot it. now that you've remembered where you are and what it is that you want from him, you find yourself back at square one.

you trust this man with your life and from the way he acts around you, you assume he trusts you with his. he wouldn't let you tend to his wounds so often if he didn't, you remind yourself. you have to tell yourself that you trust him, you do, and you respect his decision to keep his identity a secret, but no longer can you dampen your curiosity. that, coupled with your feelings for him, have led you here.

you let your fingers brush the side of his mask. it's made of a firm plastic, you note, and it covers the entirety of his face. you can't even see the corners of his eyes like this. "you know... that i trust you, right?" you whisper.

the masked man breathes a soft chuckle. you wonder what his smile looks like. "haven't i told you that that's a bad idea already?"

he has. many times. "then why do you keep giving me reasons to?" you retort. you admit that you sound a bit childish, but in your defense, he didn't have to make good on his promise to ensure your safety during the nighttime. after your fourth meeting, he promised to watch over you whenever you headed home from work. from that day onward, you hadn't had any run-ins with muggers or shady figures. it was always only him, if and when you came across him. how could you not trust him?

"touché," he agrees, letting go of your hand. he's letting his guard down. "i've been too nice to you."

"still, i wanted to thank you," your words come out rushed and airy, and you pull yourself back a few inches for your sanity, "for keeping me safe... and alive, i guess."

there's a snicker from beneath the mask. "you guess?" he releases your wrist. "i won't reject your gratitude," he folds his arms over his chest, "but you first need to tell me why you were reaching for my mask."

you suddenly feel the confidence bleeding out of you. "i, um.. it's tied to my, uh.. gift. for you." you hate that you spent days working up the courage to be so bold with someone like him, and now all of your hard work was crumbling by the second.

but for someone with quick reflexes, he sure is slow to catch on. he tilts his head silently, encouraging you to continue. you try to drown out your apprehension with the sound of the rain pouring outside. you move closer to the man, trying to rebuild the foundations of your confidence.

"i won't ask you to take off your mask." you lean back in to where you were before, your eyes scanning the mask. you wish you had x-ray vision right about now. you can practically feel the way the man examines you up close. you wish you could see the way he's focusing on you and you alone. "not completely."

he sits up straighter. "you want to see a part of my face?" he's quiet as he seemingly thinks it over. "i don't think i can--"

"i want to kiss you." you finally blurt. your face begins to burn. "if... if you'll allow me to. if not, that's okay. i just think this would be... an adequate reward for saving my life." when he says nothing for more than thirty seconds, any and all conviction you may have had vanishes. "alright then."

but just as you start to move away, he takes your wrist in hand again, and you freeze. "where... do you plan on kissing me?"

you gawk at him, too stunned to speak. instead of replying verbally, you just tap at your own lips. was he agreeing, then? you screw up your face a bit before you chuckle, the peculiarity of his question finally settling. "where else would i kiss you?"

"fair point." he places your hand on his mask then, and nods slightly. "not my whole face." his words are a warning. you'd be remiss if you didn't pick up on that.

your throat closes up, choking you. you nod in return, not trusting your voice. you hook your fingers on the underside of the mask and your knuckles brush his chin. already, your heart is fluttering in your chest; you think it stupid, considering how you've already seen him half-undressed by this point. slowly (and without breathing), you push the mask up, revealing his lips.

the lips of another person shouldn't be so astonishing to you. everyone has them, and it's not like you were expecting him to not have any, but you most certainly weren't expecting them to be so... pretty, for lack of a better word. entranced by him, you trace his cupid's bow with your thumb, your eyes widening at how soft his lips feel against your fingertip.

his lips start to curl into what you assume is a smile. pretty, you think -- it's all you can think. pretty, pretty, pretty.

"is this how you kiss people nowadays?" his smile only grows, revealing the prettiest set of white teeth.

your brain switches on at his taunt. "you're pretty." you tell him matter-of-factly. "this is all i'll ever get to see of you, so i'm taking my time."

that shuts him up immediately. his mouth opens and closes a few times before he gives up with a sigh. "i see."

you lean closer, close enough that your lips are almost brushing his. "are you sure about this?" you ask him one final time. maybe it's just you, but you feel a sobering sense of finality. the last thing you want is for this to be the last you see of this man.

rather than answer you, he takes your face in one hand and closes what little distance there was between you two. plush lips press against your own and you gasp, obviously not expecting this. you move your lips hesitantly and he does the same, taking your breath away. the sound of your lips connecting does wonders for your heart, each one burying itself deep into your memory. you savor every bit of him that he gives you, not letting a single second pass you by.

then, he pleasantly surprises you with more. he pauses the kiss for a bit to whisper something special.

"kazuha." his voice is on the deeper side and his lips are still hovering over yours. before you can ask what that's supposed to mean, he slots his mouth over yours again. it isn't until his tongue brushes your bottom lip that you realize he just told you his name.

kazuha. kazuha, kazuha, kazuha. it plays like a broken record in your head and you whisper it like a prayer when you let him deepen the kiss. it gives your feelings -- your love -- some more meaning. he takes your every iteration and swallows it down as he licks into your mouth, returning the favor with some mutters of your name as well.

outside, the rain continues to pour, bathing you two in the moment.

✦ i... i have no words. but i realize that i have revealed that i wanna make out with kazuha, and that i have a thing for kazuha with a mask and saying his name over and over. just.. kazuha. that's it.

[awlumii]

put your hand in mine...

# — pairing: kazuha x gn!reader

# — characters: gender neutral reader, kazuha

# — summary: callouses and all.

# — warnings: n/a

# — tags: fluff. that's it, that's literally it. ( + holding hands, a pinch of angst if you squint, & a lil kiss okay, i couldn't help it.)

# — notes: i couldn't get him out of my head. it's like i've been bitten by a kazuha lovebug. (again.) i had to write this or else my brain would've exploded. anyway, reblogs and reactions are greatly appreciated, and i hope you enjoy the first piece on this new blog!

wanna join the tag list?

✧ — 🍁 — ✧

kazuha watches with rapt attention as you slide your fingers up his palm and place them over his own. "hello there," he says quietly, wiggling his fingers beneath yours. "are you alright?"

"just fine." you breathe your reply. you lock your fingers with his and take his hand. in moments like these, there is little need for words. kazuha says nothing in response, seemingly satisfied with your answer. if something was wrong, he'd know.

you squeeze his hand once experimentally. he squeezes back. you squeeze him twice. he squeezes you twice and huffs a silent laugh through his nose.

you take his hand in both of yours and begin gently pressing your thumbs against his palm, giving him a light massage. you can practically feel the curious look kazuha is giving you. "you have nice hands," you explain. an answer to an unasked question. "i have to treat them as such."

kazuha's stare grows more and more curious as the seconds tick by. you won't look at him — you're pretty keen on this, it would seem. your fingers press here and there, putting pressure on the areas where you think he might need the most care. without thinking, kazuha follows your every movement closely, enraptured by the littlest gestures; every swish of your lashes, the steady rise and fall of your shoulders as you breathe. he's so mesmerized that he misses your words entirely; he's more focused on the shape of your lips than the words coming out of them. he apologizes, albeit still a bit distractedly. "say that one more time for me, my love." he prompts you.

you reach over and take his other hand between yours. "i said i gotta do both," you murmur. and like that, you're massaging his other hand. "your hands are kinda rough."

instinctively, kazuha curls his fingers to close his hand. there are times when he worries you may shy away from his touch because of this. rather than see himself as dirty, he sees himself as worn — too tried and ragged for someone as effervescent as you.

you don't allow him, instead pressing down to keep his hand open. "it's not a bad thing." you say. "i'm just curious as to why."

ah. he hasn't told you much about that, has he? where does he begin? can he even tell you that much? will you really want to hear that?

"you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

your words grant him some reprieve, and he releases a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. perhaps one day he will be prepared to weave for you the tale of his origin. your fingers still work away at his palm, sliding about and pressing down, leaving what he thinks is a trail of sunlight in their wake.

kazuha thinks of something to say. something that makes him not look like the smitten fool that he is. "can you guess," he asks slowly, "what made my hands this way?"

you finally look at him then, a questioning quirk to your brows and lips. "you want me to guess?"

he shrugs. "i'd like to see where your imagination takes you."

"alright then..." you pause in your ministrations. "i think... you got in a bunch of fights."

surprisingly, you're not wrong. then again, you aren't right, either. "oh? is that what you think?" kazuha puts up a veil of mystery, dangling the truth just out of your reach. in due time.

"yep! you were a problem child, weren't you?"

kazuha's grin is lopsided. "absolutely," he agrees, sarcasm lacing his tone. "i was a little terror."

you laugh. "of course i'm right. you still have yet to grow out of it, after all." before kazuha can tease alongside you, your laughter dies down, leaving a lingering smile on your face. it grows solemn; you know he's hiding something from you. thankfully, you don't push. it's a conversation for another day.

you take both of his hands and bring them up to cup your cheeks. kazuha stiffens momentarily, but melts at the feeling of your skin warming against his hands. he brushes a thumb across your cheek and you turn your head slightly to kiss his palm. once again, kazuha finds himself at your mercy, his mind completely blank as he looks at you. it's a welcome change, being lost for words like this. a clear head allows him to admire you in full, after all.

"problem child or not," you murmur into his palm, "i love you and your hands. callouses and all."

it's times like these where kazuha understands why you hide your face when you're flustered. you have his hands in your grip, leaving him unable to hide the warmth that quickly takes over his face. kazuha's only remaining option is to look away from you, his heart hammering in his chest. the way you look right now, with your lips against his palm, your hands over his, your eyes conveying nothing but the truth behind your words... it's a bit much. "i..."

to his surprise, you close the distance between the two of you and peck his lips gently. kazuha startles and you giggle. "you don't need to say it back." you whisper. "i know."

you couldn't possibly, kazuha thinks as he blinks at you. you couldn't fathom just how much he loves you. he finds himself paralyzed by it — overwhelmed by it. the best he can do is kiss you again, longer this time. you sigh into it, content. when you pull away, he brushes his thumb over your cheek once more. and you smile, a million words conveyed through a simple gesture. someday, he'll be able to show you. until that day comes, he'll keep you here, within reach.

✦ some break this is, am i right? but i feel a little reassured about this, courtesy of @kazu-sun my beloved <3 writing at my own pace feels nice. with my drafts clear once more, i'm gonna let my empty head wander! i hope you enjoyed it 🤸🏾

[awlumii]

afraid to lose you.

can be seen as a pt. 2 to "it stings."

# — pairing: kazuha x gn!reader

# — characters: gender neutral reader, kazuha

# — warnings: lightly suggestive

# — tags: some angst, fluff, making out, jealous!kazuha, ofc there would be kissing, who do you think i am

# — notes: the word count on this is 5,738. this took... about five hours. i haven't done this kind of writing in months, and holy FUCK does it feel good. like always, reblogs and reactions are appreciated, and i hope you enjoy!

wanna join the tag list?

✧ — 🍁 — ✧

it may seem like you know kazuha inside and out, but there are times when he thinks otherwise.

don't misunderstand — kazuha doesn't hide anything from you. not intentionally, anyway. the only reason why he may refrain from telling you something is because the topic just hasn't come up yet. if someone were to ask you any question pertaining to kazuha's home life before he became a wanderer, you likely wouldn't have an answer. you've never asked, so he's never told you. and because of that, some gaps may exist in your understanding of kazuha.

then again, he's still transparent to you, whether he makes it that way or not. you're terrifyingly observant at times, able to read even the slightest of gestures and decipher how he's feeling before he himself realizes it. there are times when kazuha wonders if you know him better than he knows himself. that fact extends to just about everyone you know, actually — all the members of the crux fleet are aware of your vigilance.

but you aren't without fault; the reason why kazuha thinks you don't truly know him is because there are times when you're... a bit slow on the uptake.

like right now, for instance.

"you don't want to hold your weapon so close to the blade." your voice comes in clear on the breeze. kazuha watches as you step closer to a man wielding a polearm and take his weapon, brandishing it yourself. "see where my hands are? even if the tip is the only thing doing damage, you need to be able to control the entire thing. try again." you hand the polearm back to the man, who stiffly does as you say. you shake your head and step behind him to manually adjust his stance. when you're finished, you step back. "isn't that a little more comfortable?" you ask him.

you're standing behind him, so you can't see his face, but kazuha can. and for some reason, his expression is... irritating.

"y-yeah, a little." the man answers. he swings the polearm as you instructed. "so like this..?"

you sigh. you take the man's arms from behind again and slowly swing his arms for him. as you do, kazuha actually has to look away, lest he look at your student's face again.

you're giving a one-on-one lesson to one of the new sailors at his request. what was his name again? kenji? all kazuha remembers is that he was the only one out of the six new recruits to hail from inazuma. it's not like him to be so forgetful. he'd normally beat himself up for being so discourteous — especially to someone from his homeland — but he isn't quite sure he wants to extend such courtesy to kenji. (if that's even his name.)

because as of late, kenji's been... monopolizing you, so to speak. you were entrusted with the task of training the new recruits. it was a simple enough job at first; kazuha was content to watch as you flattened the three recruits who were the most mouthy. but of the six, there was a straggler in the group — someone who just couldn't keep up to save their life. kenji required extra care, so you took it upon yourself to bring him up to speed. unfortunately, kenji was slower than you anticipated.

kazuha spares kenji a glance. his brows twitch when he sees the pink that's dusted itself over his features. he looks away again.

how can you be so observant, yet so blind to this man's obvious crush on you?

"do that a few more times," kazuha hears you say, "and you'll have a better foundation for when we start sparring some more." you rest a hand on your hip as you watch kenji swing his polearm as you instructed. "good. keep it up if you want to; i'm going to sit down. we're done for the day."

kazuha perks up at that. are you finally done? can he finally take you away from—

"wait!" kenji stops you mid-stride. "um... can you... t-tell me how you got your vision?"

you're silent for a moment. you slowly turn back to face him and kazuha wishes he can see the look on your face. "are you really curious?" you ask.

kazuha grits his teeth. say no, say no—

"yes," kenji says despite kazuha's internal pleading. to make a bad situation worse, you oblige him and walk back over, starting the tale of how you received your vision.

kazuha groans silently and bumps the back of his head on the tree he's sitting against. it's taking everything in him to not get up and yank you away from your starry-eyed pupil in this moment. because archons, the lovesick puppy eyes kenji is giving you is making his stomach twist. how are you, of all people, so oblivious? can't you see that? it's so obvious–!

kazuha reels himself back in. this isn't like him. he needs to get himself in check before you come back.

he takes a steadying breath. maybe he's just on edge because he didn't get much sleep last night. kenji has been doing this for weeks — taking up your time, playing dumb, ogling you... it's safe to say that kazuha hasn't been resting well knowing that come morning, you'd be whisked away to kenji's side again.

you finish your story a bit quicker than kazuha anticipated. before he knows it, you're walking over to him, leaving a dejected looking kenji in your wake. thankfully, kazuha's finished his breathing routine. he gives you his most patient smile when you seat yourself beside him. "all done for the day?" he asks quietly.

you grumble something under your breath and lie down, resting your head in kazuha's lap. like a magnet, his hand finds its way to your hair, idly twisting your locks around his fingers. "i can't believe i still have to correct him on his form." you seethe quietly. "why did he pick up a spear if he wasn't gonna use it right?!"

kazuha tries to bite back his chuckle, but he fails. thank the stars you're at least a little frustrated by kenji's behavior. a little more of that, and you'll be on your way to ignoring him in no time. (hopefully.)

"perhaps he wants to be a vision holder like you." kazuha says. "ambition is one of the main traits of a vision holder..."

you look up at kazuha, your face clouded with thought. "that'd explain his reluctance to give up... hopefully he practices enough to put up an actual fight tomorrow."

tomorrow? "you're going to be training him again tomorrow?" kazuha can't stop himself from asking.

you nod and look out to kenji, who is eagerly practicing the moves you taught him earlier. kazuha doesn't dare look. "yeah. if you're right and his goal is actually to obtain a vision, then... i guess i should help him, shouldn't i?"

...you're so nice that it hurts. and damn if he doesn't love that about you.

kazuha looses a soft sigh and pushes your hair off of your forehead. he leans down and presses a kiss right between your brows, chuckling when you pull them together in confusion. "you're a marvelous teacher." he laughs when you begin to fluster under the praise.

he's not lying; no matter how frustrating this situation may be, he would be remiss if he didn't acknowledge just how effective your teachings are. you practice what you preach, giving kazuha a run for his money whenever he spars with you. if kenji wasn't... well, kenji, he would be the best of the new recruits by now.

you look away and kazuha presses the back of his hand on your cheek. as he guessed, it's warm. you push him away with a grumble, making him laugh again. "stop that."

"shall i praise you more?" he teases, brushing his fingers across your cheek once more.

"...no." you close your eyes at the touch.

after that, a pleasant silence descends upon the two of you. and for the first time in what feels like forever, kazuha has you all to himself. the intrusive thoughts hush, and it's just you, him, and the breeze.

(in the distance, kenji watches the tender moment with a deep frown.)

maybe it's a good thing that you can't sense how kazuha feels about all of this. he can't make much of it himself.

that's a lie. he can, he just doesn't want to admit it to himself. that feeling is beneath him. what a wretched feeling it is. he won't even think it. there's no way he'd be feeling like that over some new recruit. he forces it down — out-of-sight, out-of-mind-style.

but when kenji approaches you while you're sitting with kazuha aboard the alcor, he finds that that feeling is much more difficult to contain than he initially thought.

"would you mind if i joined you?" kenji asks, and immediately, kazuha sees a problem here. why was his question directed solely at you? is he invisible?

besides, you're not exactly the most approachable right now; kazuha is sitting on top of a barrel and you're standing between his legs with his arms wrapped around you. no one has come up to you two for longer than a moment. (probably because they know how to read the room, kazuha thinks.)

you hum in what kazuha can only assume is assent. kenji makes himself comfortable on a barrel across from kazuha, his eyes never leaving your frame. "what do you need?" you ask. your voice sounds distant. kazuha peeks to see you're still staring out at the sea.

kenji flinches. "oh, um... nothing, i just... ah..." he fumbles over his words. his eyes are darting between you and kazuha, his ears turning redder by the second. "i couldn't find anyone else to pass the time with, so..."

kazuha blinks twice in disbelief. as of right now, he can hear four people who are talking aimlessly as they laze about, two of which are the new recruits. which means kenji purposely came looking for you. but why wouldn't he just leave right away when he saw what you were doing? (or not doing, kazuha thinks.)

you take your eyes off of the sea and focus on kenji, who visibly jolts at having earned your attention. (or is kazuha just too observant?) "why don't you tell me about yourself then?" you prompt him. "i don't know much about you outside of training."

and just like that, another moment is stolen from him. kazuha sighs silently, resigned. neither you nor kenji notice as the latter eagerly starts to chat you up. you may be standing in his arms, but you feel miles away right now, your heart and mind elsewhere yet again.

kazuha isn't upset with you over this. he could never be. he knows that you have no ill intent towards neither him, nor kenji, but... selfishly, he wishes you would open your eyes, even if it's only by a little. kenji's infatuation with you is far from subtle; it shows in the way he smiles whenever you speak and gapes whenever you laugh. if he were to be honest, if kenji had done all of this from afar, kazuha would be less inclined to keep you away from him at all costs. kenji is too close for comfort, and it's grating on kazuha's every nerve.

fed up with the lack of privacy, kazuha attempts to remove you from the situation. he taps two fingers on your side three times — taptaptap — a code the two of you created for when you want to make a quick escape.

you don't respond. perhaps you didn't feel it? kazuha tries again, but this time, you tap your index and middle finger on him twice — the code for not right now.

that ugly feeling rears its head. kazuha crams it back in whatever hole it came from.

maybe he felt wrong. again, he taps you three times, and again, you tap him twice. you're serious.

kazuha can't contain that feeling fast enough. he rubs your arm gently and eases you out of the way for him to get off of the barrel. when you look at him, confused, he takes your hand and gives you his most disarming smile. "i won't be far," he says. "you know where to find me, right, dove?"

your worried frown is almost reassuring. does this mean you've picked up on his discomfort? will you end the conversation and come with him? the answer is no — you nod slowly instead. "i'll finish up here and come find you when i'm done, okay?" you rub a circle into the back of kazuha's hand.

not the answer he wanted, but he'll take what he can get. kazuha presses a kiss to your knuckles. "i'll be waiting for you." he murmurs into your skin. you watch the gesture closely, as if you're trying to get a read on how he's feeling. it's obvious that you can't, though. before kazuha walks off, he spares kenji a glance only to find the recruit already looking at him. now, either kazuha is losing his mind, or kenji is smirking at him. for his sanity, it's best that he assumes the former. kazuha takes his leave and heads to the crow's nest, where he awaits your arrival.

the afternoon comes and goes, and kazuha understands that you're not coming and that once again, he's lost you to kenji.

it's become much too difficult for kazuha to not feel that feeling, which is why he traps you in his arms the following morning.

he wakes before you today — typically, this would be considered a rare occurrence, but thanks to a certain someone, he's been rising before the sun. kazuha takes the time just before and during dawn to really admire you. perhaps he took your presence for granted; it wasn't until after you'd been swept away that he realized just how little he'd been appreciating you lately.

(of course you would beg to differ; kazuha spends so much time admiring you that you think your heart is going to fail by an early age. though he doesn't know that.)

this morning, kazuha has his arms wrapped around your middle and his face buried in your chest. he shimmies back so he can get a better look at you. in the dim light of the morning, with the moon saying its last goodbye until the evening, kazuha raises his bandaged hand and traces your features with a feather-light touch. he brushes his thumb over your brow bone and traces your cupid's bow. you look so at peace right now; kazuha silently wishes to see you smile.

he runs his finger across the slope of your nose and smoothes a finger across your eyelids. you scrunch your nose and raise a hand to push him away at that, and kazuha presses his lips together to stop a chuckle. he must be bothering you, no? feeling mischievous, he pinches your nose briefly and sure enough, you quickly swat him away with a sharp inhale.

"can't you wake me up like a normal person..?" you groan, dropping a hand over your face.

kazuha puffs a soft laugh. "did i wake you?" he asks cheekily.

you crack your eyes open to give him a heavily lidded glare. "no." you bite sarcastically. "i'm still asleep."

"then you're dreaming. you should wake up, my love."

you sigh and mush your hand on kazuha's face, ignoring his laughter. "i can't stand you." you mutter. you move your hand to look him in the eyes properly. "good morning, kazuha. you ass."

kazuha takes your hand and brings it to his lips, kissing each one of your fingertips. he revels in the way you sigh, tired yet smitten. the beginnings of a smile curl your lips, and kazuha thinks that this is what love feels like. "good morning, dove." he murmurs. "it's a new day. may the sun shine warmly upon you today."

you look as though you're blushing, though kazuha isn't sure. like always, he rests a hand on your face to feel the growing warmth. you don't push him away; instead, you close your eyes again with a sleepy hum. "the sun's not up yet," you mutter, "but good morning to you too, 'zuha."

kazuha inhales sharply at the usage of the nickname. he leans in close, and you half open your eyes. "dove," he breathes, hoping you understand. you do, and you meet him halfway. he kisses you for the first time in what feels like forever, tender and warm. it's so easy for him to unwind in your presence, when you touch him like this. he sighs into the kiss but you pull away, much to his disappointment.

"why are you awake so early this morning?" you ask. you comb your fingers through kazuha's hair and it's his turn to close his eyes, a shiver running through him. "did you have a bad dream?"

honestly, a bad dream would be far better than reality. for some reason, your words make him realize once again that you're going to be taken from him soon now that the sun is nearly up. bad dreams are temporary — impermanent visions of one's greatest fears. his greatest fear is losing you. and slowly, thanks to kenji, that very fear is being realized. he wishes the past few weeks were just a bad dream.

with you here, in his arms like this, it feels like that's all it was. kazuha sighs softly. "something like that," he mumbles.

you coo something incomprehensible and pull kazuha in properly, leaving no space between the two of you. you feel like home; his body melts into yours like he belongs there. "i missed you," he dares to whisper into your skin.

"i'm right here, kazuha," you say. "i always will be."

kazuha knows he should believe you, but you could be gone at any moment now. he pulls back to leave a gentle kiss on your lips again. you smile this time, still sleepy, but just as bright as the morning sun. "good morning again, 'zuha." you kiss him one more time for good measure. he doesn't let you get very far, capturing your lips once more.

hours pass by and you're still here. neither of you have made a move to get up despite the sounds of other sailors starting to move about the ship. kazuha lies wrapped in your embrace, his heart fluttering every time you press a fleeting kiss to his skin.

but all good things must come to an end. there's a knock on the door to your cabin, effectively waking the two of you up. you'd been starting to doze back off together before this. kazuha doesn't say a word and neither do you, hoping to get the person to leave, but after a drawn out silence, they knock again. and again. and again. clearly, this person won't give up. you cave in and groan. "who is it?" you call out.

the voice that comes from the other side makes kazuha freeze. "it's kenji! you said we would train together today, remember?"

kazuha looks at you. he can only hope he doesn't look as desperate as he feels. he silently begs you to remain silent or to turn him away, to just stay by his side for today. but you sit up quickly — too quickly. "shit, i did," you swear to yourself. you peel yourself out of kazuha's embrace and quickly start to get ready, leaving kazuha cold. "gimme a minute, i'll be out soon!" you call out again.

kazuha sits up slowly, his eyes downcast. "are you... going to train him again?" the question is out before he can stop himself. he's barely got that feeling in check, his control hanging on by a thread. the first tender moment you've shared in weeks — ruined. he can't take this anymore.

you look over at him, but you don't stop getting ready. kazuha's stomach twists. "yeah," you say as you pull your shirt on. "why?"

"this may be presumptuous of me, but could you... stay in just for today, dove?" archons, he must look so pathetic right now.

"i really want to, but i already stayed in longer than i should have." you fix your clothing in the mirror nearby.

kazuha winces, but you miss it. you're right. he may feel a certain way about the person you're around, but at the end of the day, you have a duty to fulfill, and he shouldn't keep you from that. he feels like a liability to you.

you finish getting ready and sit on the edge of the bed. you cup his cheek and make him face you. there's concern and apology written all over your face. "i'll make it up to you soon, okay?" you promise. it's not an empty promise — it's the first time you're saying this to him. perhaps he should believe you. you've never given him reason to doubt you before.

kazuha nods. "i'll hold you to that, songbird." he won't. "go on; i'm sure he's waiting for you."

you surprise him by kissing him quick and rushing a goodbye. in the blink of an eye, you're gone, leaving him by his lonesome.

it's not until you're gone that kazuha realizes that he doesn't know when 'soon' will be.

it was only a matter of time before kazuha lost control of that feeling.

soon never came. for the rest of that day, you were by kenji's side. you returned to the ship sporting a few cuts and bruises, courtesy of your student. he was much more injured than you were, but he was all smiles — you both were. some real bonding must have occurred while you two were at each other's throats because you were inseparable from that point forward. before kazuha went to bed that night, he noticed kenji looking at you with so much fondness that it made him want to bury his head in the sand. that was the last straw; seeing an outsider look at you the same way a lover would — the way kazuha does.

a few days go by before kazuha reaches his breaking point.

he's alone this afternoon. he decided to take to the streets of liyue harbor hoping the hustle and bustle would jumble his thoughts enough so that he could stop thinking. if you were here, you would steer him away from so much activity since you know how much he detests high-energy environments. instead, you're... elsewhere. he actually has no idea where you are. he pretends that that doesn't bother him. he pushes it away; out of sight, out of mind, right..?

he eventually comes to a stop at the docks and takes a seat. it turns out that he couldn't handle all of the excitement. it's quieter here. it allows him to make sense of his thoughts.

as he looks out at the water, he figures that perhaps it's time for him to face the truth.

he's... jealous.

kazuha cringes inwardly. to give that feeling a name feels... disgusting. he feels foolish. how idiotic of him to feel jealous of someone like kenji, of all people. kazuha has known you for so long, and has been by your side for longer. you would actually probably laugh at him if you knew he felt this way — it seems impossible for someone like kazuha to feel like this.

but at this point, who could blame him? how else is he supposed to feel when his heart is being kept away from him? when it feels like his heart doesn't want to return to him? what about kenji has you running back to him all the time? kazuha refuses to question his worth to you — you wouldn't return to your cabin every night if he meant nothing to you — but the fact that you're gone before he wakes makes him wonder if he's at fault. was he boring you? was he too clingy? what did he do?

as he's mulling over ways to try and confront you on the whole ordeal, he hears footsteps approaching. he doesn't dare turn around. he knows exactly who's coming.

"kenji," he greets the newcomer without looking up. "how nice of you to join me. to whom do i owe this pleasure?"

"oh, no one! i just thought you seemed kinda bummed out, so i thought i'd come by." kenji sounds upbeat and, if kazuha strains his ears, seems to be using a dialect used by inazumans in the countryside. is he trying to make kazuha feel comfortable?

"do i, now?" kazuha works his jaw a few times in an attempt to reel back the attitude. he can't go around giving people the wrong impression of him, can he? (even if that person is kenji.) "i appreciate the gesture. but i'm afraid it's unnecessary."

kenji makes a noise of confusion. kazuha still refuses to look at him. "why so? i could've sworn you were upset. you look down whenever your friend isn't around."

his... what? "pardon?"

kenji says your name. "usually you're around them, but lately you guys haven't been together, and i thought you looked pretty down about it. was i wrong?"

kazuha's not sure if he should laugh. surely kenji doesn't think you two were just friends. that can't be right, can it? he decides to drag this out. "not completely," he half-laughs. "there's more to it than that."

"oh, so you like them too?" kenji's quick to sit by kazuha's side, a strange excitement lacing his tone.

too?

"they're amazing, aren't they?" kenji continues. he launches into some kind of infatuated rant about you and your skills, your sense of humor, and things of the like. and the longer it goes on, the more incredulous kazuha's stare grows. who exactly did kenji think he was talking to right now? did he honestly think that you two were just friends and nothing more?

kenji's next words are the nail in the coffin. "if i'm being honest, i'm thinking of making a move..."

kazuha puts a hand up, cutting kenji off. he can't fucking believe this. he needs to see you. now. "as flattered as i am that you thought to cheer me up, i believe i should take my leave now." he says, fighting the urge to clench his teeth.

"oh! so, you're not upset?"

"it's hard to say." kazuha stands and wishes kenji well before allow his feet to carry him to the ship. he lets the wind tell him of your whereabouts — it feels nice to do that after so long.

luckily for him, you're in your shared cabin. you're sitting on the bed, reading something. you jump at kazuha's sudden entrance, but smile when you see him. "hey, welcome back!" you scoot to the side, making room for him on the bed. kazuha takes his spot beside you. "what's going on?"

kazuha has no idea what to think anymore. this whole time, he was jealous of a man who couldn't tell when two people were in a relationship. he spent weeks questioning his worth and putting himself down for this? this... this was a waste of his time! he's been surrounded by two people who just couldn't read a situation this entire time; you, who couldn't tell just how much kazuha was agonizing over this, and kenji, who needed a total reality check.

you pull him out of his thoughts with a light touch to his hand. "kazuha? is everything okay?"

"were you aware of kenji's feelings for you?" he asks. straight to the point. no cutting corners.

you blink. so no then. "his what?"

"it's been painfully evident for weeks that your student has been harboring strong one-sided feelings for you, dove." kazuha's patience is wearing thin.

"i've been knocking him around for weeks, why the hell would he like me?" you shudder, seemingly uncomfortable with the thought. that's reassuring, at least. "plus, couldn't he tell that i'm not available?"

"i can answer that for you." kazuha shakes his head. "he had no idea. he approached me and informed me that he thought of, and i quote, 'making a move'." he chuckles when you reel back in shock.

"i should probably let him know—" you start to get up, presumably to find kenji and inform him of the truth, but kazuha grabs your wrist, stopping you. "hm?"

"may i suggest something else?" he asks. when you nod, he cups your face in one hand and leans in to press a short kiss to your lips. kazuha kisses you again, even slower this time.

when you part, you whisper, "i don't see how this is gonna fix anything."

kazuha grins almost wolfishly. "do you trust me, dove?"

you nod.

"then follow my lead." kazuha captures your lips sweetly, savoring every second it drags on.

it's been quite some time since he's kissed you like this — slowly and without haste. he uses this as a chance to make up for the time you've lost thanks to this whole ordeal. he licks at the seam of your lips and you let him in, tilting your head to deepen the kiss some more.

kazuha's head starts to spin. he's intoxicated by you already — usually, he's able to contain himself for longer. drunk on the taste of you, kazuha inches forward and you lean back, taking the hint and breaking the kiss to lie down. he hovers over you and snakes his hand up your arm, taking your wrist in his bandaged fingers. the two of you stare at each other, exchanging silent words of adoration before your lips meet again, a bit more feverish this time.

there's untapped passion pouring out of kazuha as he licks into your mouth. he drinks in every sigh, swallows every content noise you make and thrives off of them, using your pleasure as fuel. this is what he wanted — what he needed — and it seems like you agree. he breaks away from your lips and trails heated kisses down to your neck, where he lets the frustration of the past few weeks go.

mark after mark appears on your neck, a palette of purples and reds decorating your skin. they bloom under kazuha's lips like flowers of desire, and he feels dizzy. it doesn't help that you're whining whenever he nips at your skin, nor does it help that you have your fingers tangled in his hair.

"kazuha, this is—" your breath hitches. "you're biting kinda hard..."

oops.

that's all kazuha needs to push off of you, but not before leaving a mark just underneath your jaw, dark and obvious, where it'd be impossible to hide. he gazes down at you in all your flushed glory. you're breathing a little heavy, as is he, and your eyes are hooded. you're a mess beneath him. you're stunning.

unfortunately, he knows he should stop. kazuha leans down and kisses you as an apology. "forgive me, songbird," he murmurs against your lips. "you sounded so pretty for me."

you slap at his shoulder, making him chuckle. he sits up and after a couple seconds, so do you. you run your fingers gingerly over the marks kazuha left on you. "so is this how you're letting kenji know what's going on?" you ask, your voice breathy.

kazuha's brows twitch at the name. he almost forgot why he was doing this. "yes." he watches as you walk over to the mirror to inspect them. "i take it you like what you see?"

you glare at him through the mirror. "he's not the only one who's gonna get the message," you grumble. "you left them in the most obvious places!"

"and yet you can't stop touching them. you like them, don't you?"

you throw a brush at him, which he easily catches. "i can't stand you. why don't you admit that you were jealous, then?"

that word. that feeling that he so desperately tried to avoid naming. there's no use hiding from it anymore, is there? kazuha nods. "i was, actually. he took up so much of your time, i..." he feels a sudden tug of guilt again. "i've battled with myself for weeks over it."

you return to your spot beside him. "weeks..? kazuha, i—"

"i thought that i'd done something to repel you." he confesses. "and i didn't want to keep you stuck by my side when you didn't want to be. but truthfully, i... i missed you, petal. very much." he raises a hand to brush over the fresh marks. you shiver in the wake of his touch. "which is why i got so carried away."

to his surprise, you throw your arms around him and bury your face in his shoulder. he wraps his arms around you in kind, holding you as close as he can. "i'm sorry." your words are muffled by his clothes. "i should've managed my time better. and i should've noticed his behavior a lot sooner."

kazuha sighs and melts into your arms just a little more. "that matters not anymore." he mumbles. "what matters now is that you're here, and you're aware. and," he pulls back to look at you again, "when he sees you again, he knows about us."

"you want him to know i'm yours, don't you?" you ask. you sound sassy, but your expression tells a different story. you look sheepish, if anything.

for some reason, your words make kazuha feel the same way. that's the heart of the issue, isn't it? he wants not just kenji, but everyone else who may see you to know that you're completely off-limits. not even he knew he was capable of feeling so possessive.

you don't seem bothered by it, however. you seem... satisfied. you smile. "i'm yours, kazuha," you affirm. "from now until forever."

he leans in and presses a kiss to your forehead. forever may sound like a long time, but it's enough to send his heart aflutter. he's never going to lose you to anyone else.

(when the two of you leave your cabin, you run into kenji. kazuha takes great pride in watching the recruit's eyes blow wide when he catches sight of the marks on your skin. and to the surprise of no one, he suddenly improves in his combat skills. so much so, in fact, that he doesn't need any more one-on-one training.)

✦ i am so SO sorry for all this. the ending is messy, i know.. kinda outta order, but hey, it's done! i'm proud of the rest of it, okay?