JOURNALING

thoughts, notes, etc.

[kbkaufman]

A whole week of working from home because of the rotten weather has come to a close. I got ice and brandy and I feel like celebrating. Why not? A wet and wide-open weekend awaits this workhorse.

Indeed. After two consecutive weekends of fun runs, it’s nice to have one where I can simply stay at home, free of any commitments. The thought of the hours I could spend catching up on my reading, listening to music, and enjoying the little things -- like staring into space and letting my mind wander -- fills me with so much quiet excitement. The rainy weather — forecast to persist over the next few days — is giving me the perfect excuse to do nothing without feeling guilty.

NP: The Radio Dept. - Passive Aggressive: Singles 2002-2010 (2011)

[kbkaufman]

Snaps from my second fun run last Sunday courtesy of the talented photogs of Daang Bakal and Pinagmisahan streets. I look at the photos and Tom Waits' "Goin' Out West" starts playing in my head.

Been watching a lot of running videos on YouTube lately and, judging from the photos, it looks like I'm finally getting the posture down. Also, I think those mornings spent with the kettlebell are starting to show on my biceps.

Jesus. I could be a vain bastard sometimes I could shoot myself in the head.

[kbkaufman]

The protagonist in this Mick Herron story I'm reading is so very me circa now. It's uncanny, how our minds seem to work, all the way down to the paranoia. Snooping in the dark for clues, tell-tale signs, etc., at the same time convinced I'm only chasing ghosts. The timing by which I stumbled into the story has me going, "Hmm."

I should get a hold of myself.

Especially since in the story, it didn't end well for the protagonist, the poor schmuck.

Itching to write in details but no.

🎧 Katatonia - Tonight's Decision (1999)

[kbkaufman]

Nailed my first fun run. Was joined throughout the 5-km journey by herself. She had to adjust her pace to allow me to keep up. We reached the finish line holding each other's hands. It was sweet; it was a moment. All the ugly shit that went down last week feels like water under the bridge now. Hard lessons were learned; now we move on -- holding hands and sprinting to the finish line!

Got another 5km to deal with next week. And another on the 30th.

All that feel-good, you-can-do-it, rah-rah-rah pep talk shit vloggers say about running? They're apparently true.

🎧 Stone Temple Pilots - Tiny Music… Songs from the Vatican Gift Shop (1996)

[kbkaufman]

Nine cigarettes. Some kind of personal record I'm not proud of. I feel pretentious talking about cycling and running and active lifestyle. But it's that kind of day and I'm a slave to bad habits.

Nine cigarettes. Thoughts oscillating from "I need 7 hours of deep, uninterrupted sleep" to "I'm not a nice guy after all" to "I need a shotgun blast to the head." The mind is a crazy, lonely thing.

Nine cigarettes. Words as aerial bombs. Can't be taken back once unleashed. Death and destruction upon delivery. Spoken with venom, a word, a phrase, a sentence can lay waste to a beautiful thing, a promising plan, a true love.

Brb. Sick in the head and courting cancer.

[kbkaufman]

What the hell -- I haven't popped my fun run cherry yet and here I am registering for my second one. Let's see if this is as fun as they say it is. And if this is enough to replace cycling for me. As of now, cycling is still my most preferred cardio -- and I don't even do it for the exercise per se. I do it more to keep the hounds of hell from baying inside my head and gnawing away at my sanity.

It's bright and sunny here today. I've just finished a quick morning run (8:18/km pace for 3.07 km -- not bad, methinks, for someone who hasn't done this before), and I'm looking forward to an awesome Sunday with the family. For the next two Sundays, I run.

[kbkaufman]

Reading whenever I can, wherever I can.

Disappointed with my progress lately. By my own timeline I should be halfway through Charlie Brooker's The Hell of It All, which I picked up after Project Hail Mary, and done with Jessica Zafra's The Collected Stories by now. That obviously didn't happen. I was too busy bouncing between emotional highs and lows these days to find the requisite me-time for reading. And it's always raining, goddamn it. Can't do my favorite outdoor morning coffee-and-book/Kindle routine when it's raining.

Will try to remedy the situation.

🎧 Mad Season - Above (1995)

[kbkaufman]

It's Monday morning and I'm feeling like a champ. This doesn't happen always. Usually my mood is in the dumps on Mondays. But today I am a triumphant conqueror, the king of the ring, the master of the universe…

The great feeling started late Friday night after I downed two glasses of ice-cold mojito and good things started happening. I even went to the gym for the first time in weeks on Sunday morning just to deal with the surplus energy. Whatever the hell this is, it's awesome, and I hope it will last for several more days.

For the meantime, I'll ride the crest of this high and beautiful wave until there is no high and beautiful wave to speak of anymore.

🎧 Acid Ghost - Once Upon a Time, There Was a Ghost (2026)

[kbkaufman]

Mojito before bed has become a nightly thing. Takes the rough edges off the day.

I don't like my mind these days. It feels like it is rebelling against the rest of my body. It's on hyperactive mode and feeding me all these crazy, ridiculous ideas. Like the other day when I was watching Over Your Dead Body I could almost hear it imploring me, "Pay attention, dude, the cosmos is telling you something," while the rest of my body was like, "No, it's not, STFU you prick!"

Indeed. Humans are complicated creatures. They have emotions and are prone to overthinking. Sometimes I wish we were nothing more than animals -- get born, breed, buzz off.

But at least I have good music to match my mood:

Acid Ghost - Once Upon a Time, There Was a Ghost

Bright Eyes - I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning

Marble Sounds - Dear Me, Look Up

Tobias Jesso Jr. - Goon

Eskobar - A Thousand Last Chances

I guess I'm overdue for a long bike ride. I always feel better after a long bike ride.

🎧 Bright Eyes - I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning (2005)

[kbkaufman]

Did something last Saturday I hadn't done in a long while: bathed in the rain. It was completely unplanned. I was looking for one of our cats* that had wandered out when it started raining in buckets. Instead of seeking shelter I thought, Naah. Some neighbors gawked, probably mystified, if not terrified, by the sight of a half-naked man grinning in the rain, but I paid no heed. It was a good 20 minutes or so of feeling young and carefree again. I just wished it was longer.

Other weekend highlights:

Registered for my first fun run. It will be on the 26th and is called "Tap, Splash, Run." They gave us water guns to shoot at each other. Looks like it's going to be wild.

Watched the final season of The Boys straight into the wee hours while sipping mojito with herself. Staying up late with TV and alcohol like we're still in our 20s.

Finished reading Project Hail Mary.

In other news, I find the current Alex Eala love on social media kind of refreshing, especially after a whole week of INC and Marcoleta and school violence hogging the headlines.

*Our cat, the little bastard, was eventually found, safe and dry and unapologetically nonchalant as always.

🎧 Noble Oak - Horizon (2020)

[kbkaufman]

Was able to preorder the Eheads' debut album on vinyl with the help of my brother. I was at the office when the preorder link went live at 5 p.m., so he stepped in for me. ETA is later this year, and it only costs PHP2,200. Pity the bastards who shelled out big bucks for the first-press copies released a couple of years ago -- copies that are now being peddled online for as much as PHP25,000. I like to think of this as fate telling greedy resellers to screw themselves.

(Photo from Offshore Music)

🎧 Deafheaven - Ordinary Corrupt Human Love (2018)

[kbkaufman]

First time at Marugame Udon so of course I tried their gyudon. I was with herself enjoying the last day of our long weekend (filed on account of the kid's birthday).

Weird weather today -- blazing hot one minute and pouring rain the next. Watched Voicemails for Isabelle because of the hype and fell in love with it. Somehow, I don't feel ready to go back to the office tomorrow. I'm already homesick just thinking about it.

🎧 1000 Gram - Ken Sent Me (2012)

[kbkaufman]

Went mall-hopping to celebrate the kid's name day (her idea). We went from BGC (Venice Grand Canal Mall, Mitsukoshi, and Uptown Mall) to Cubao (Gateway Mall and Farmers Plaza). From posh and modern to decidedly blue-collar -- it was a feast for the senses. We ate, strolled, bought a few things along the way. Thanks to an unexpected windfall and the fine weather, a great time was had by all. And just like that, we have a semi-adult in the house.

🎧 Kings of Convenience - Declaration of Dependence (2009)

[kbkaufman]

It's raining and I'm on a bus and it's cold and comfy here in my window seat, which means the time is perfect for some Kings of Convenience.

Me when I learned that the duo will be in town for a one-night gig in December: Oh wow, cool, nice!

Me when I learned it will be at faraway PICC: What? No!

Me when I saw the ticket prices: Awww (or more like aargh!)

Another soon-to-be-TOTGA, I guess. Just like Smashing Pumpkins, Turnover, Cigarettes After Sex, the Pixies...

🎧 Kings of Convenience - Riot on an Empty Street (2004)

[kbkaufman]

Left the house on leaden feet today. It's cloudy and it smells like rain (super typhoon up north, yo), and I just want to stay in bed with this Evan Dando book. But since I'm a Responsible Citizen (or at least pride myself on being), I need to haul ass and drag myself to the office rain or shine. Skipping work just so he can read about the life of a 90s rock star is the exclusive domain of the Cool Hipster Rebel.

On Facebook I described Dando as "the guy who reportedly did more than just lie about being the outdoor type." Only about 15 out of my over 1,200 "followers" will probably get the joke, but so what, Facebook has long ceased to be a place for kindred spirits anyway.

🎧 Various artists - Reality Bites OST (1994)

[kbkaufman]

Left: Tonkatsu Ramen from Tanto, which opened a branch near our place. Right: Chicken Pad Thai from Thaiwadee. It was my first time trying Thai food. Both offered gastronomic satisfaction.

Trying new things. This is how you stay happy and alive in this world.

🎧 The Lemonheads - Come on Feel the Lemonheads (1993)

[kbkaufman]

At my favorite spot in Barangay Pantok in Binangonan during yesterday's 30 km morning ride. A couple of meters away was a dead black dog with its head crushed and crawling with maggots. Still, it was during this ride that I felt alive for the first time this week.

Kicking around Shopee for possible additions to my gravel bike. A rear rack has been added to cart. Ditto saddle bags. A bunch of other stuff, too. Now fighting the urge to hit check out.

Holy shit I'm listening to black metal again.

🎧 God Seed - Live at Wacken (2012)