au where Ray, Sissy and Harlan come back to the future with the academy and Klaus makes a big event of locking everyone in the library and giving a ridiculous powerpoint that’s like ‘How To Speed Run The Past 70 Or Whatever Years’ (Five from where he’s been handcuffed to the bar: “it’s 55 you dumbass-). highlights include:
- opening with a picture from the jfk assassination (since they were all a little busy when that was going on) with a big :( drawn over it
- a fifty minute long side-tracked rant about the Vietnam war that only Five is interested in
- “And finally, after a long, painful battle for the sensible people of the world…the Beatles were Defeated”
- “Highlight this note because it WILL be on the test later- Britney Spears was born on December 2nd, 1981″
- “So one day in 1989 43 babies with magic powers were born from women who hadn’t been pregnant, and like? you know? no one ever really looked into that further? we’re in our 30s, I feel like we should have some answers by now?’
“Speaking of 1989, there’s this fantastic album-”
Vanya: “Klaus they don’t need to know who Taylor Swift is-”
- “And on this day I was innocently reading a magazine and discovered my previously beloved sister Allison is friends with Beyonce and she never bothered to introduce me or invite me to a single party-” *powerpoint slide switches to a picture with Allison’s head photoshopped onto a snake* *Sissy asks who Beyonce is and that turns into another sidetracked explanation that takes nearly two hours and involves Everyone screaming*
- “And this is when Luther went to the moon-”
Ray: “the…moon? the fucking moon?”
Klaus: “didn’t the moon landing happen for you guys yet?”
Allison: “no that was ‘69???”
Luther: “Can you try to go in order? You didn’t even tell them Dad’s an alien yet-”
everyone: W H A T?!!?!?!!?!
- 2004: the tragic beginnings of Vanya’s weaboo stage
- 2006: Diego has his first kiss with an Ambassadors daughter after a mission and IMMEDIATELY pukes on her after they finish. (next slide features news footage of the event; Luther has to hold Diego back from attacking Klaus while everyone else is losing their shit)
- “Klaus I really don’t think Twilight counts as a historical event”
Five: “No, actually, it does-”
- *2 hours spent infodumping about Chernobyl while his audience gets progressively more drunk*
- “Klaus, can we please move on from the 90s already-”
“THEY NEED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE MEDIA DID TO WINONA RYDER”
- footage of Allison’s Less Than Graceful reaction when she got snubbed at the Oscar’s one year
- at some point he tries to explain Modern Speak™ and Internet Culture™ to them and it ends up going like this:
- “anyway here’s a list of probable war crimes our dad committed”
- *explanation of Ellen DeGeneres’ entire career from start to finish*
- *footage of 14 year old Luther dancing like he got a touchdown after he killed a man in battle*
- Cha Cha Slide: The Song That Changed Everything
- he slips an Entirely Fake historical event in there just to prank them and his siblings try to call him out on it but then Five backs him up because he’s drunk and wants to cause problems. Three Years Later Ray will still mention something about like The Fall Of Telephonia that resulted after a bloody battle between the two rulers and whoever he’s talking to just like. smiles and nods politely
- “And here’s the news clip where 10 year old Five found out on live air that Santa Claus isn’t real. We literally never saw him smile ever again after this”
- he starts explaining Kardashian/Jenner scandals as if they’re political scandals
but anyway. not the most educational lesson plan but I want everyone to have a break and laugh thank you goodnight lmao
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