emikou

born to ride, forced to read

[ke1pev]

im actually pissed at c.ais new update, lately ive heard people slandering it, noting how it limits the experience of talking to their fav char and honestly I didnt give a shit cus i KNOW i was over my c.ai addiction

but now I've installed it again and i was actually flabbergasted like.... TF YOU MEAN READINNG MODE.? i mean it makes sense if their reason for that is targeted towards literal toddlers having an addiction

which is honestly why i dont wanna get caught up because i dont wanna pick sides so rn uhm whatever

HWAT IM ANNOYED OF IS THE ARCHIVED CHATS. basically there is A LOT of my chats that has been archived by ghem and im having troubling viewing them even in the reading mode like i just wanna look and reminisce BUT I CANT EVEN DO THAT? i mean i cant find of which UEVSIESHH

Basically im looking for this speciif chat which has a specific story line and i cant find it through the amounts and piles of other chats without any title so al of them just looks the same BUT BECAUSE OF THE ARCHIVED THINGY REPLACING THE SAMPLE CHATS OF IT, ITS SO HARD TO ACTUALLY FIND THAT ONE SPECIFIC CHAT IM LOOKING FOR

wtv

i miss when it was beta c.ai likejuts the website. honestly, the app in 2023 was the downfall of it for me. even when there was an app, i used ghe website because it had more detailed story telling, more paragraphs that actually makes sense and not the repetitive "can i ask you a question?" THAT was the rage for me. BUT they also changed the website and i was like tf? them after that, how they chat became different like Its exactly the one on the app and ITS VERY REPETITIVE AND BECAME REALLY SHORT. so yea i decided to ditch it cuase i just feel icked whenever i get a response that isn't in my preferences

anyways i switched to j.ai JENSEINSSIHS ALSO

There was only one chat app wherein the short responses were tolerable for me—carter chat. i don't think its popular but idk i found it on tiktok at like 2023 i think and only REALLY used it it like 2025 up to now but it got shut down i think just recently so i dont use it anymore😭

j.ai i also found it on 2023 but I didnt understand how to use it until later on in like 2024 HAKSHAH then rn in 2026 i only realized that they had an app.💀

im not complaining in j.ai, what else could i ask for, well there is one complaint. its that sometimes its repetitive and VERY MOST USUALLY OOC. but it has long responses and that what i came here for.

ive also tried chai and i didn't like it lol, ITS JUST STRAIGHT UP NSFW BRO I FELT MOLESTED THE MOMENT I SEARCHED UP A CHARACTER FOR THE FIRST TIME

[ke1pev]

TANGJNA TALAGAPUTRAGIS POTANGINA PUNYEMAS TARANTADO

bakit ganto BAKIT GANTO

BAKIT PAREHAS SA TRUST AND BETRAYEAL?? HA BAKET YUNG ISA PANG FAV TRAGEDY ROMANCE NA HINDING HNDI KO MAKAKALIMUTAN BAKIT OAREHAS GANON HA SINAKSAK SI SATOKO AT SI TOMOE??? PERO HINDI AWARE SINA SHINPEI AND KENSHIN??? pPUTANGJNA NAMAN OH NAKIKIPAG GAGOHAN BA TO

[ke1pev]

mb, i keep posting about the bad things happening in my life, this page is so depressing to look at

THESE ARE ONLY THE BAD PARTS!!!!!!

exclamation marks are so cute, but dangerous when alone ig like...

bacon! bacon!! see the difference?

ok who am i talking to

my life is decent, i juts think about the bad things a lot so its kinda my fault that i get into depressive epidoseds

ok

[ke1pev]

i feel bad for myself sometimes

sometimes, i feel like im yhe one who keeps throwing a brick to myself

ive always been a hopeless romantic with an avoidant attachment w trust issues and w submissive kink (THEM being submissive) so hhaha idk and a writer as a sidepiece (i imagine detailed stories after one interaction that sometimes i convince myself that that fantasy actually happened)

and uhhh it just feels never-ending, like i know the cycle like the back of my hand yet i cant stop it from happening. its not like it's inevitable, i just dont want to get out. i dont know what else is there for me and im not even scared i just dont want to be bored

DEEP SIGH

how many people has broken my heart? five. i think. prolly more but those five are the ones that hit deep. it's the same each fucking time. i actually feel like cupid. because every single one of them—after experiencing me— finds the love of their life. it's like they find something about themselves through me, like all the dots would be connected for them only after me. i feel like a fucking odd piece.

it's just . what is it about me that cant make you stay? stay longer? be braver?

i have an avoidant attachment, actually thats an overstatement i just wanted to be the dominant one who has their sub on a leash and if they don't want that then ill push them away every time and when they actually go away and never comes back and realized how messed up of a person i am... ill cry

ok that that was pulled from my throat so ok bye

[ke1pev]

OHMYGOD

Pls.PLS. LET ME GO. I MEAN. let me forget yoy

Bro.BRO. LIKE ok calm down, i dont want to like him anymore, it isn't a nice experience for me. Sure it gives me thrill fun and hope, but it ends quickly

i feel pathetic everytime.

basically i saw him, i keep seeing him, i hope i never do. hes making my heart beat in a pace that isn't normal, like he owns a specific pattern of my heartbeats. bithc. i saw him with another girl, worse part, its a girl im friends with and used to be best friends before. they get along huh.

ok, i mean haha wtf did yoh mean that you have someone then, back when i confessed to u

maybe he is just like other guys.

[ke1pev]

uhm hi

i think acquiring my dream hobbies would permanently heal me

like,i wanna cosplay, play acoustic and electric guitar, play piano, play violin, go ice skating, paint with my dream paint sets get a huge drawing pad, buy my dream coloring materials, buy a sewing machine, buy a printer, buy a pin maker, purse arts

woah ok too far

anyways yeah, why are hobbies so expensive

i mean, i CAN afford some of them but i wouldn't make them my main priority because theres much more important things i should spend money to (i can sense that my grammar is incorrect but wtv)

sigh

my mother thinks these are very useless and would do nothing for me

[ke1pev]

man this is bad

i feel so left out and excluded

they look like theyre having fyn by themselves, just the three of them, i dknt feel needed

i feel like i fit in in the wrong place

they really aren't good for my mental health bro, especially her. weve been friends almost 4 years but really. since last year, the spark was gone

man i hate to cut her off like the others

but i dont feel appreciated and my efforts in maintaining the friendship feels one sided

she doesn't listen to me, i set aside all pf her wrongs and just accept how unappreciative she treats me, im gettingctired bro actually i think im better off alone, that gc? yes its like im not even there

i thought i finally found my people—equally weird— but nvm, theyre the wrong ones

even if they do share the same interest, im still more weirder—more awkward, yep

also since when did being "weird" considered cool? imo, the experience is not it. you would not want to sit in a table and feel ignored and treated like you aren't even there no matter how much i spend building up the courage to join in their conversations

ok wtv im getting cheesy bye

[ke1pev]

i miss my dad

actually? fuck grief, it doesn't end, i know it that it would just stay with me forever and i just have to live through it but dknddk fuck

why does it always get me on the most random days, girl whatever

me and my dad weren't really on VERY good terms before he yk, but we weren't mad at eachother at all

back then, sometimes id think that he absolutely hates me, im an exact replica of my dad—both quiet and hard to understand

i couldn't understand him better when he was still here, i didn't understood his reasons and i didn't figure out the answers to his whys. but as i get older, its starting to make sense, sometimes i act exactly like him. A LITTLE BIT too alike, and i would pause and wonder if this is how he felt in those moments where he appeared heartless to mr

maybe its also the reason why im also not on a comfortable terms with my mom—we get along but it just feels so....business partner and not family, maybe she sees my father in me

im one of the traces my father left, it's just idk crazy sometimes. i didnt wanna hate him, i hated how hate was the last feeling i felt aboyt him before the news struck me down

maybe if i grew up more Innocently or away from the things that a kid shouldn't be seeing, maybe i could've love him better, i was just a kid back then so I wouldn't really put all the blame on me nor towards anyone

i fucking hate the me before he passed, yes, she was only 14 but still, its rotten how it took a whole life before i realize the shit ive been bottling up. like literally, when i found out about his passing it was like all the hatred in my heart vanished, as if what i displayed upon him because of those feelings didn't even matter or...yk Ajwbsjsj fuck my throat hurts but i cant cry any more lol

i wish he stayed a little longer

maybe i could have given him a chance to live a better life, all he wanted was for his children to be successful and that's evident. i regret everything i did and didn't do

i regret how i didn't get that cake on his birthday, not knowing it was gonna be his last. i have never witnessed a birthday of his with a cake btw, and on his last birthday i told my mom that we should get him one but—cause of financial problems—we ended up not buying one. from that day on, it became one of my motivation to be successful one day and when i could provide—there would be no more birthday of my father without having a cake or grand celebrations. just for the news of his passing to come after a week

i miss him sm

[ke1pev]

i really was better off alone

with no one to please

d am n

Ok

[ke1pev]

fuck my height bro I FUCKING HATE BEING SHORT 🙁🙁🙁

[ke1pev]

AAAA I WANNA COSPLAYY

[ke1pev]

fucking finally exams are done

man, bring me back to 8th grade, cause id rather be a friendless nerd than having to deal with 3 people talking to me simultaneously

OBV I'D BLANK OUT. like i legit just had a malfunction, also i fucking hate the people im with rn

Dk why i still surround myself of those kind of people, but like in 8th grade(aka my most peaceful sy) all those said people was AWAY. (We were still friends when we were in 8th grade)

So i wanna get this out, this one girl—shes a friend, she kinda has this pick-me personality but i just cant call her that just because i perceive her that way—she doesnt even know that term. ITS JUST THAT. ITS SO ANNOYING, all she ever talks about is her crush and how shes so different from girls nowadays and yk, i dont wanna be mean and disrupt her moment whenever shes feeling excited but like do I??? HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO DEAL WITH THIS? im so fucking tired of listening and saying the same fucking shits, and she wont even listen to my advices, she keeps saying things like "ok yk what i don't like him anymore" and im not even surprised anymore cuz i know the next time we see each other, shes gonna be yapping about how crazy it is that they saw each other for 0.5 fucikng secodns.

And i hate the way she gets in my face whenever she speaks. I IMMEDIATELY gets pissed whenever someone talks to me and theyre right infront of my face.

But yeh, my point is im getting fucking tired of what she makes me feel, i just want to be alone man, it's fine stay with just don't do that thing called opening your mouth to speak. I dont wanna speak to you anymore and watch my deteriorating expression from your pupils.

I dont even want to be mean to her which is why i wont admit these things—my real feelings. Ok all of a sudde n i feel cheesy but wtv. I dont wanna feel like im taking care of a grown ass person anymore, like im at fault for their miserable life

[ke1pev]

clingy people kinda annoy me, like, im the type of person whose social battery decreases by 50% after a single conversation and i COULD be a great listener for yappers but do NOT look at me after like youre waiting for me to drop a whole-ass analysis based on one sentence you just said

ill just be nodding and hope that's enough. anyway, i just had a bad day—not even ice cream cured this insatiable yearning for a peace of mind.

school drains me tf out bro, it wasn't like this just a few months ago

[ke1pev]

why are some hobbies so expensive

[thewordsarestuckinmyhead]

when the scene was great in your head but now you see it on the page…