♥

here mostly to talk

[keeemburnt]

i think it’s the fact that i’ve been in this household for about 5 years now and have seen no change, no growth, nothing. all i see is pain, stubbornness, greediness, selfishness, anger, tears, spoiled-ness, and just confusion. i want to leave. oh how much i want to.

it really hit me like a year or two ago. i felt guilty at first, of course. but it has to be done. i am so close to getting my own place already, though the plan is to wait until after i graduate. however, i feel like i’m about to explode. i am but a spectator in this household for my actions will mean little to nothing and have felt like they meant nothing to anyone.

this is stupid.

[keeemburnt]

Dear Past-Kim,

We’ve moved out and are currently living in a wonderful home with a loving boyfriend. You learned to cook so many dishes you hoped to learn. You’re in the process of decorating still, but what we have so far is so comfy and so you. You have a specific room, though a guest room, but a room to stream for as long as you want and not worry about the noise from shit neighbors.

Things got better. It just took so much time.

[ylrebmik0]

you know how hard i fell for this guy? pretty fucking hard.

i can genuinely say that this was the first time I’ve ever really felt love, or what i thought was love. and as for someone with divorce parents, it took me some fucking time. i was so afraid, genuinely afraid to love because my vision of “love” (from my parents relationship with one another), was that it’s a constant argument and that it wasn’t forever.

i don’t mean to be so vulgar, but that took so much out of me - this relationship. this 3-year and some months, I thought this might’ve been it. that pouring my heart out, putting you on this pedestal, and loving you so much - I thought you were it. i wanted to prove that love is real, genuine, and that love is you.

But alas, I’ve put all this effort, all this time, all my energy that I’ve never put into anyone, just to stopped being loved.

Unfortunate, truly. That our love didn’t last forever after all.

[keeemburnt]

I can’t believe how much effort I’m putting to keep us as afloat as possible. It’s dumb, I know. I should just move on, I know. But to just simply throw away all of us… I can’t believe how easy this is for you? Is it even easy for you? I wouldn’t know, you didn’t give me literally any closure. This is your closure. And I’m apparently suppose to be okay with it.

I’m not.

[keeemburnt]

the guy i thought i’d marry broke up with me. it’s been almost been like 2 months since?

November is going to suck

[keeemburnt]

i think this is a “safe place” for me to say this, but wow im genuinely sad. im avoiding really feeling it by working, streaming, and doing all sorts of things but at the end of the day as i lay in bed - i feel it and it’s the worse sadness ive felt in so long

[keeemburnt]

(not complaining, just observation)

gene and i are so different, yet so similar? i could stay up till 5am and here he is sleeping as early as 8pm. he and i would finish each other’s sentences. i am a lazy bum and he loves running/exercising. he and i are pretty shy when talking to new people. i check my social medias 24/7 and he is okay with downloading reddit but not actually having an account. 

[keeemburnt]

If I want to start thinking about my mental health, one of the ways (that I think) would help is by unfollowing those that have affected me... regardless of having ‘mutual’ friends/close friends. I need to stop telling myself that if they are following them, I should too even if it makes me uncomfortable. And that “it’s in the past. You guys don’t even interact irl anyway. This is just a modern way to make amends.”, type of excuses that let me follow them and most of the time they won’t follow back.

I’m moving on.

[keeemburnt]

Tonight I realize that I am worth it. My feelings are valid. I have so much more to live for. I have people that care about me.

I am a wonderful human being.

[keeemburnt]

was about to tweet out something that’s a surprise for my sister and forgot that she follows me on twitter so i’ll just say it here:

idk what’s going on with my mom but she really wants to get our 1 year old niece an ipad and she wants the latest generation, 128 gb of storage, and rose gold... and on top of that, she wants a ‘childproof’ case (which i found and it’s like $15)... AND she wants me to install all the things for her before sending it to them....

it isn’t even her birthday or anything or any holiday really... it’s the beginning of AUGUST. shouldn’t this be more of a christmas present? ma’am, excuse me?

[keeemburnt]

i’m so back-and-forth with this. i want to move past this. i’m so ready to let this ‘drama’ settle and move on. i’m so over it, but i guess they’re not? i know i’m better than who i was before. how can you know if you don’t give a girl a chance? but why can’t i be given the chance? it’s been so many years already. 

[keeemburnt]

i think it’s the fact that i’ve been in this household for about 5 years now and have seen no change, no growth, nothing. all i see is pain, stubbornness, greediness, selfishness, anger, tears, spoiled-ness, and just confusion. i want to leave. oh how much i want to.

it really hit me like a year or two ago. i felt guilty at first, of course. but it has to be done. i am so close to getting my own place already, though the plan is to wait until after i graduate. however, i feel like i’m about to explode. i am but a spectator in this household for my actions will mean little to nothing and have felt like they meant nothing to anyone.

this is stupid.

[keeemburnt]

i’m trying to hard not to intervene, but it’s also like maybe I should?

[keeemburnt]

i feel like pulling out my hair the longer i’m living under this household. i am very much looking forward to moving. like VERY much.

[keeemburnt]

I completed my first 1 hour stream!

Somethings to take note of and hopefully I’ll be able to figure it out by the next stream:

- The music I used tends to overpower my voice - There’s a 5 second delay between me and twitch. For example, someone would send something on the chat but I wouldn’t see it until like well.. 5 seconds after. LOL Is this normal?  - The viewers couldn’t hear the notification sounds :c But I could hear it on my end - I could hear myself with my headphones... is that also normal?  - I really wish I had my own room to do this but I wanted to get this started! If I decide to stream when everyone is asleep, my state-side friends and family won’t be able to watch it... since they’ll be asleep LOL

I’m still going to stream. The more I do so, I’ll be able to see if the changes I made on my end actually work.

Please stay tune for the next stream sometime this week!

twitch.tv/kimbermiez

[keeemburnt]

Another update about possibly streaming:

My older sister bought me the headphones, I immediately purchased the mic attachment once I saw one available on amazon, and I bought the capture card. The headphones just came it, they’re amazing. The capture card came in after. It was confusing at first but I used it to play with my laptop. SO AMAZING! And the mic attachment is scheduled to arrive on Monday.

Ya’ll - it’s happening!

[keeemburnt]

I just bought the capture card that allows me to connect my switch to my laptop! It really is happening, me possibly streaming animal crossing! I might also just make animal crossing content for my youtube channel.

All I need is the headphone and mic attachment! The mic attachment is so hard to find. I have a particular mic that I want but it’s literally sold out EVERYWHERE. (big yikes)

[keeemburnt]

My older sister just bought me the headphones I’ve been eyeing on and as I was on the phone thanking her, I saw that the mic attachment was available. It was literally one left. If this ain’t a sign, I swear.

I bought it in an INSTANT.

[keeemburnt]

I just bought the capture card that allows me to connect my switch to my laptop! It really is happening, me possibly streaming animal crossing! I might also just make animal crossing content for my youtube channel.

All I need is the headphone and mic attachment! The mic attachment is so hard to find. I have a particular mic that I want but it’s literally sold out EVERYWHERE. (big yikes)