“Oh, yeah. You’re not the only one who did it.” Teddy nodded, eyes narrowing as he focused in on a point of attack. Bill had backed himself into a corner with that one. “And where is everyone else, Bill? Where’s George, huh? Or Paul? Or John – do you remember John?” He quirked an eyebrow, fury rising in his chest.
“What about Ryan, Bill?” Teddy asked, pushing in closer to the other man, looking him dead in the eye. “What about Ryan? Do you remember that? Because I do. I remember everything. I remember every fucking funeral. I remember burying my friends, and burying my brother – watching him die in front of Ewan – and looking at you every single goddamn time, just wondering what day of the week your funeral would be on.”
“– I’d look at you and wonder if I’d have to take off work for it, or if you’d be good enough to die on a fucking Friday.”
“Do you know how fucking disconnected you have to be to look at – to look at your best friend, the person you love most in the entire fucking world – and to start fucking scheduling their death in your head, because it feels that fucking inevitable?”
“I have been convinced that I’m going to lose you every second of every goddamn day for the last thirty years, but it’s fine – right? It’s fine, because everyone was doing it. So it’s fine. It’s fine, because you’re Bill fucking Miller, and nothing’s ever gonna touch you, and so long as you’re okay then you don’t have to give a fuck what any of us are feeling.”
Teddy wanted to grab something and break it. He wanted to scream and stomp his feet, throw a tantrum big enough so Bill could finally see how much he’d been holding in, and for just how long. He breathed in heavy, angry huffs, chest rising and falling quickly as he did.
Bill wandered off, and within seconds, the whole thing had been dismissed.
Teddy scoffed at him, running a hand down his face before he angrily stomped after him, following along as Bill rummaged for booze. “See!” He insisted, doing all he could to push into Bill’s line of sight. “See? This is exactly what I’m talking about.”
“Look – I’m trying to talk to you. I’m trying to talk to you about something important, and all I get from you is fucking dismissed. Is that how you want to do this? You want to be a big, sulky baby? You want to fucking lose me, Bill? Because I don’t want to be friends with an asshole who can’t fucking listen.”
Finally, enough was enough. Teddy reached past Bill and slammed the next cabinet he opened shut, demanding more of his attention.
“Stop fucking drinking and look at me, for fuck’s sake. Look at me.”
“Are you a fucking moron? Are you really that stupid? Why do you think I’m here? Why do you think I’m crying? Why do you think I show up for you every goddamn day? Think, Bill. Fucking think. Why would I be here right now if I didn’t give a fuck. Why would I put myself through this – why would I be here at all – if I didn’t still fucking want you?”
“Are you blind? Are you stupid?” Teddy huffed a sad, defeated laugh. “All you talk about is how I never showed up, but look at me. Look! I’m right here. I’ve been here. I’ve been trying, Bill. But I can’t make anything work when I’m talking to a brick wall.”
“You shut me out years ago, and you never let me back in. What else was I supposed to do?”
“I know your trying to talk to me!” Bill replied. “I’m listening, Teddy. I listen to you all the damn time! You want me, you need me—but you never did anything about it! You moved on! Which is great. I’m happy for you, Teddy. You’re with a great guy who listens to you and who treats you right and you decided this is the one you wanna marry. I’m happy for you.”
He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t listen to Teddy telling him he wanted him minutes after he told him he was getting married to someone else.
“I saw the way you looked at Tom at his birthday party, okay?” Bill added. “I saw the way he looked at you, too.” He shook his head. “You deserve to be happy, and not to worry about your husband, or fucking fight with him all the time.”
He let out a breath, defeated, leaning back against the cabinets.
“We do not work, Teddy.” Bill reiterated. “Doesn’t matter how much we want it, we don’t work. We tried and we tried, and it didn’t work. So it’s not gonna work now. It’s not gonna work now because you have Tom, and he’s so fuckin’ in love with you.” It hurt to think about, but he was right. Bill couldn’t be selfish about this no matter how much he wanted to be.
“He looks at you like you’re the only guy in the room, like you’re the fuckin’ sunshine after a storm. He didn’t stop talking about you all night or smiling at you. When I was talking to him, all he did was tell me how great you were, how much you helped him, how much he loved you and wanted to spend every day of his life with you.”
Tom told Bill everything Bill had been feeling about Teddy since they were teenagers.
“He really loves you, Teddy, and you deserve that kind of love.”
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