I need to be heard but I don't want anyone to know

keeping things real since NEVER EVER

[keepitrealvalerie]

day 2 on Plaxil

Ok today I took my second pill in the morning at about 8 am, I read I am not supposed to take it without eating something first but I am not used to eat breakfast so I just went back to sleep (I go to school in the afternoon), like yesterday I felt some sporadic headache throughout the day and the numbness feeling in my brain but nothing too serious, I didn't eat anything all morning until about 3pm when I drank a cup of coffee that was SUCH A BAD IDEA I was finishing it when I started shaking and had tachycardia like if I had drank 5 cups or more, I got a little scared since usually caffeine does nothing to me but it was weird so I won't be drinking anymore for the time being. Also I felt nauseous all day so I didn't eat much until dinner because I was starving tho I still feel kinda sick. Maybe that side effect will help me lose weight, we’ll see.

[keepitrealvalerie]

ok im going through the paxil tag logged in this account and its crazy how the tumblr algorithm works for every blog, like in my other account (full of cuteness and pink) everything was about how bad it is and how I should never start taking it but here is like paxil is great, i love it and so. Weird

[keepitrealvalerie]

day 1 on Paxil

So I’ve been absolutely non existing on this tumblr because Ive been trying to get my shit together for the past months but this time I finally seek for help and last wednesday the day of my appointment with my psychiatrist finally came after a waiting of about 3 months (is a public but very efficient mental health hospital). It all happen too fast and I don't remember much but she diagnosed me with severe depression and general and social anxiety so she prescribed me Paxil 20mg until the day of my next appointment on november 25th.

Today I took my first pill at about 8am and I felt normal most of the time except for a feeling of numbness on my brain like if I was sedated, a stomachache in the morning and slight headache while driving but I read those are common side effects and is normal. My doctor did warn me it would take a while for me to actually feel different or some kind of progress but that’s just how the drug works tho.

Obviously I’ve been doing my own research online and going through the paxil tag and Ive read nothing but horror stories about the addiction it causes and how difficult is to get off it but right now is my only choice to get better so I’ll give it a try. that’s just how desperate I am, I really REALLY need this to work cause things are getting pretty fucked up and I just feel I need to do this for myself and my family. My mother is on zoloft at the time so you can imagine how crazy things are here at my house and I don't want my little brother (6) to live in a place like this anymore. 

I’ll try to keep up with my progress here and hopefully write everyday how my body is responding even if nobody else besides me read it heheh. 

If someone on the paxil or zoloft tag has some advice or question feel welcome in my ask.

[saintlystar]

Sure of you.

[tonguefirstyeh]

You have to accept that some people are not made for deep conversations, or for holding you together when you’re about to fall apart, or for keeping you from unzipping your skin, or for talking you out of suicide, or to love you through the worst moments of your life. Some people are made for shallow exchanges, and ridiculous banter, and nothing more. And that’s okay. That doesn’t make them horrible people because they simply aren’t able to handle a storm like you. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you won’t divulge all the gritty details of your horror show. It makes you smart. You have to accept that there will be people that cannot give you what you need. It doesn’t mean they are not worth keeping in your life. You just have to figure out who these ones are before you’re disappointed. And you have to keep them at arm’s length. You cannot expect everyone in your life to understand, to be nonjudgmental, to get it. But that’s okay, because not everyone was made to impart wisdom, or wax-poetic, or speak on politics and the depravity of society, or discuss how crucial it is that the stigma of mental illness be abolished. There are times when you have to get away from all that heaviness. You have to. And you will need superficial conversation about Kim Kardashian’s arse, or a debate on the colour of The Dress. You will need those ones. So don’t go round cutting people off and dropping your friends. You need people for all your seasons. You need people or you won’t survive this.

What my therapist told me this morning (via crushed-bythe-heaviness-of-air)

[keepitrealvalerie]

So I'll start the master cleanse tomorrow with all the commitment in the world, For what I've read the first 3 days are the harder ones but I have my eyes on the prize. I think writing here documenting my day will help me not to fail. 

All information I have says it has to be done with lemons but I'm not use to that flavor so maybe if it gets too hard I'll switch it with limes but im trying to stick to the original recipe with the salt flush (eww) and everything.

I know this won't be enough but is a start, im looking forward for the feeling of control and this will be my first win in what it feels like ages.

Any advices?

[anticipated-deactivated20180128]

[keepitrealvalerie]

My mom told me the other day that she was always so supportive with my sister because she feels like my sister is the kind of person whom one day could say "I can't live on this helpless hopeless horrible world anymore" and kill herself. That's her way of saying I'm not fucking paying attention to you so fuck off.

[spookysalad]

There are 7 billion 47 million people on the planet and I have the audacity to think I matter.

George Watsky (via spookysalad)

[keepitrealvalerie]

I've never wanted to die more than today, more than right now. The last days it's been like hell for me, I can't stop mi mind it's going to fast and I can no longer stand it.

I even did letters to my parents, sister and little brother saying how much I love them. I'm sacred because there still is that tiny bit of me telling me I'm wrong but everything is so overwhelming I really feel like I'm losing it.

I've been having nightmares every night this week and they're always alike, serial killers and murder.

I just cut my arms over and over and now I'm here trying to get my mind out of it but I came to the most triggering site for me right now.

I'm scare for whats after, I hope God won't make me come back, I don't know how to live.

[suicidesounds]

God … Please , please , please , I want to die . I am begging.

S. (via reknirhs)

[then-it-fell-apart]

i hope one day you are at peace with yourself. i hope you can take a shower without crying and you can close your eyes without thinking about your funeral. i hope one day you start singing in the shower again and are happy for no reason. i hope you get better, because you really deserve to. 

[keepitrealvalerie]

And since I'm in the mood for tumblr diary I'm gonna write about this other friend of mine. I don't remember if I had posted about him before but here it goes.

I met him like 5 years ago, he was a friend of my sister's boyfriend (at the time) and I don't really remember much of that time but I got to see him a couple of time she he hang out with my isis and her bf.

Well, sometime later my sister broke up with his bf and starting hanging out with this gay who I'll call G.

We had really good chemistry, he said we were special, and alike, some things really weeds but somehow cool, we talked when he was at my house and watch movies the 3 of us and had like debates about silly things.

I always kinda like him but never did or say anything because my sis and him has a thing so I never crossed the line and just let it go.

Then my sis and him started to have problems 'cause he wouldn't leave his girlfriend and my sis wasn't happy and then the GF found out and was a complete drama, someday I stop seeing him and 3 years went by.

In those 3 years I kept thinking about him cause he had become a goo friend of mine too, we understand each other in another level, he really got me and we had some plans that just disappear with him.

Earlier this year he found me on twitter and we started talking again, first just for DM and then text messages. A bit after we meet each other for the first time, obviously I didn't say a word to my sis.

We hang out some more times and we just walk around for hours and hours and just talked.

Then I decided to stop, It wasn't okay and I knew it cause he HADN'T BROKE UP WITH HIS GF!! that was a total no for me, I didn't wanted to be the side bitch. (besides it was wrong for my sis and all that stuff)

We still talk ocasionally and he wants to hang out but I have refused every time, even tho I still feel the connection with him I decided to be smart and to the right thing.

So, today he sent me a text saying that he had wrote something for me, that was stupid but from his heart and he couldn't wait for me to read it.

I don't know how to react, I don't like him like that anymore but I don't know what to do, is hard :(

[keepitrealvalerie]

It's 2 am and suddenly I started thinking about a friend of mine from college, he took a break like I am now for a year but he's starting again this month, he's pretty interesting and kind of a hippie, he is into espiritual things and all of that.

For what he has told me when he was in high school he was like a big superficial guy and care a lot about fashion and image, looking at him now I wouldn't believe him but one day I notice he had scars all over his shoulders, like razor self-harm scars, also he is super skinny now.

I've never asked cause that would be too invasive and I wouldn't like somebody to ask about mines nor even close friends.

They doesn't seem "new" tho but pretty much kind of healed. Maybe he  is over it and getting in touch with himself and his spiritual side help him recover. 

I'm guessing he had anorexia for the way he sometimes express about food or people, well, I know an eating disorder is not something you just stop having but you learn to live with.

He has no clue about my disorder since I always wear a sweeter or something than covers up my arms so no one has ever seen my scars really  close.

I hope he keeps doing well and I would love to talk to him in case anything gets bad again he could talk to me but I'm scared 'cuz then I would have to talk about my own problems and I am not ready for that.

There is my egoism again :(

[sildebil]

The monster inside me is winning. It’s taking over me. - https://weheartit.com/entry/118348926

[the-taintedtruth]

There’s a difference between somebody who wants you and somebody who would do anything to keep you. Remember that.

(via the-taintedtruth)

[bonnieternal]

Don’t fall in love with me. There are days when I get sad without a reason and I just stare at the ceiling with tears streaming down my face. Don’t fall in love with me. On those days, I don’t talk to anyone. I just bury myself in my bed and think about how I became this mess of sadness. Don’t fall in love with me. I will become attached to you and I will cry myself to sleep if you don’t text me good night before you go to sleep and I will convince myself that it’s because you got tired of me. Don’t fall in love with me. I’m too much. I will depend on you. I need attention, much more than other people. I’ll talk to you in metaphors and make you one. I’ll write poems about you and opening up my skin at 2 A.M. Don’t fall in love with me. I couldn’t stand you coming home to find me on the bathroom floor shaking and crying, with blood spilling from my wrists. I couldn’t stand seeing the disappointment in your eyes. Don’t fall in love with me. I will pour everything I’ve left of me into you, every bit of love, until I have nothing to give. Until I become completely empty. Don’t fall in love with me. I’m scared that my sadness is contagious. Don’t fall in love with me. I will replay your sweet words in my head when I hate myself so much that I want to die. Your words will be the only thing that make stay. Don’t fall in love with me. You will live in fear. You won’t be able to leave me, because you’d know if you did, I wouldn’t have anything to live for. Don’t fall in love with me. Before I met you, there wasn’t a single person who could’ve made me stay. You’re my reason now. Don’t fall in love with me. Because I will fall in love with you.

(via okay-in-the-sea)