S..

my words make no sense but i need to speak

[keepmeinthetrees]

i laugh and joke about what happened to me

but if i imagine a little girl going through what happened to me

it would break my heart

why am i so detached?

[keepmeinthetrees]

i feel so fucking heavy.

i am so tired. this isn’t beautiful at all.

[keepmeinthetrees]

i sting so bad

but it reminds me that i miss you

if i don’t miss you then i’m not me

[keepmeinthetrees]

I will die in the house i was a little girl

I don’t want to

But i don’t know any other way out

I hurt so bad

[keepmeinthetrees]

i know i can’t send this to her so i’ll put it here

[keepmeinthetrees]

i will die before thirty

and i don’t want that

but i know i will

it hurts

[keepmeinthetrees]

i feel weird

weird in a sense that i’m going backwards

i’m twenty one in a week but i’ve never felt more like i’m thirteen

i feel thirteen again

but it’s weird because i’m not scared now

i feel worse because i’m not a child anymore

i’m an adult and i know what i’m doing

i still don’t know why

like i didn’t when i was thirteen

but i know what i’m doing

not like when i was thirteen

but it still hurts like it did then

[keepmeinthetrees]

sixteen was cruel to me

sixteen was when i lost my best friend

the woman i admired the most

who would of gone to the ends of the earth for me

and i feel guilty every single day that i didn’t give her that back

and now i’m twenty one and the things i would do to see her again

they are cruel

i would be cruel to have her back with me

even for just a day i would be cruel

i didn’t deserve that

[keepmeinthetrees]

god i feel so sick i just want you home, mum.

[keepmeinthetrees]

i’m only honest when it rains

it rains and i rain with it

i cry in my room that was put together by you

i cry in my room that still smells like you

after five years you’re still everywhere

you’ll always be everywhere

but i still want you with me

with all my soul i want my best friend

the woman who raised me

who brought me into this world

then left me alone

i know it wasn’t your fault but i’m so heavy

i hurt so bad

i don’t know where to put all of my grief

[keepmeinthetrees]

halloween was fun yet i can’t stop thinking about the halloween’s we had when i was little it’s weird i still remember all your costumes it’s all i can think about

[keepmeinthetrees]

on thursday i think i could love you

yet on saturday i come home tired

tired that i was tired last saturday

and the saturday before

tired of arguing and forgiving you

i forgive you by wednesday night

every wednesday i forgive you

then i love you on thursday

yet on saturday i hate you again

hate that you don’t listen

that you don’t learn

that you don’t change

i am tired of this never ending week

[keepmeinthetrees]

all i wish for is an escape

a ten minute escape

but you are not.

you yell at me and correct me

you’re like my father

but i can not leave

for it is all i know

i will let you yell at me as long as you say you love me

it is sick yet it is all i know

i am conditioned

i feel loved

[keepmeinthetrees]

i feel so fucking heavy.

i am so tired. this isn’t beautiful at all.

[keepmeinthetrees]

do you ever do something?

the same something you did the night you lost them

and think how you can not do that something anymore

just in case that something caused it

and you lose someone else

just in case you cause it again

it’s weird because i know that that something caused no harm

for it was nothing more than an action or a phrase

yet my mind still nags that i caused it all with my something

my something that will cause again

[keepmeinthetrees]

i often feel sick

sick in a sour and spiteful way

a way in which i wish people understood me

yet i feel my heart ripping at my ribs

as i do not wish for you to feel what i have felt

i grit and bare my smile as i laugh along

laugh enough to believe i am no longer sick

[keepmeinthetrees]

i love to hide

i may love you but my love to hide is beyond you

my love to hide has always been

since i was a little girl my love to hide has been greater than my love to give

my love to hide is to protect you from me

and if i protect you from me

maybe you will love me a little bit more

for a little bit longer

i hide because i love