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As am I studying for finals, finishing up papers and perfecting presentations, it hit me like a semi-truck going the wrong way on the freeway: If I do not get an A- in Film, a C in writing, a C in sociology, and a B in Physics, my college career will officially be over. I have worked so hard and have been making such huge improvements in my academics that I would be destroyed if I didn't get off of academic probation and was kicked out of CU Boulder. I feel confident in my abilities, but now I am even more worried over doing fantastic on my finals than I was before. All I have to do is write an awesome research paper on the Zodiac Killer, finish a presentation on people in the prison system with disabilities, and study a ridiculous amount for my physics final. I can do this. I believe in myself. Plus, if I don't do this, I will be a wreck. I have a lot to lose by not doing well on finals. Wish me luck...

Our Story

We were the hopeless romantic couple, and I just realized this today as I was talking about our first date and a few other events that occurred in our relationship to some new but wonderful friends.

We were the cliche. We were the Taylor Swift love story. We were what you see in movies. We were what you read about in books. We were the start of something wonderful and perfect.

A close friend of mine has the relationship of my dreams, and I can only wish to have a relationship like theirs someday. And you know what? I had that relationship with you. We were a love story in the making. A book in the process.

I decided today while speaking to a couple friends, that I would discuss with you about the possibility of maybe getting back together. I understand that it will be nothing like it was in the past, but I don't want to think about what it could have been without giving us another chance. So maybe this summer, we can take it slow, one step at a time and see what happens. I am willing to make the jump, are you?

I question myself and what I am doing here quite frequently nowadays. It's almost as if I think that I do not belong here. I love my job, but last night I was so close to just giving up. I was standing on the edge of the cliff, ready to jump. Just throw in the towel and call it quits. I just don't know why though. Yeah, last night was a very difficult night to say the least, but I have been through more difficult situations than the events that occurred last night. But last night broke me. I think it was the past few months of tension and frustration and stress. They all just exploded into a huge ball of fire, destroying everything in the way. I did burn a few bridges last night, and took steps backwards in friendships. The thing that is bothering me the most though, is how I still feel. I still feel like I could throw the towel in at any given moment. I don't want to quit. I love being a light designer and I love working in the music industry. But why do I feel like quitting?

This was one of my favorite songs growing up. Good Charlotte was and still is one of my favorite bands. This song means the world to me, and I am really happy that I found it again!

I'm sitting here I'm thinking back to a time when I was young... My memory, is clear as day I'm listening to the dishes clink, you were downstairs, you would sing Songs of praise And all the times we laughed with you, and all the times that you stayed true to us Now we say... I said I thank you, I'll always thank you More than you could know, than I could ever show And I love you, I'll always love you There's nothing I won't do, to say these words to you That you're beautiful forever You were my mom, you were my dad, the only thing I ever had was you, it's true And even when the times got hard, you were there to let us know...that we'd get through You showed me how to be a man, you taught me how to understand the things, people do You showed me how to love my God, you taught me that not everyone knows the truth And I thank you, I'll always thank you More than you could know, than I could ever show And I love you, I'll always love you There's nothing I won't do, to say these words to you That you will live forever Always, always and forever

COME ONE COME ALL!

To the greatest event of the... opposite of fall? Altitude music festival is this Saturday, April 28th and tickets are now BUY ONE GET ONE FREE. Yes, you heard me right. You buy one ticket for $25, and get another ticket absolutely free. So, buy a ticket and bring a date. You know that hot chick in your sociology class? Ask her to come with you. Or that cute guy in your history of the world class? Bring him. Also, we are giving out free tickets all week long! Follow us on Twitter and Facebook, or with the hashtag #RAVEWALDO to figure out where Waldo is on campus. Find him and get free tickets! It will be the show of the year, so don't miss out!

#ravewaldo

I don't know why, but this song seems to fit into my life perfectly at the moment... It is a slightly depressing song, but fits. Hmmm. Maybe I have more issues than I thought...

Life is not a spark in space An episode of 'Will and Grace' Controversial yet mundane Deborah's messing with your brain Even scientologists know there's more to all of this Search the ruins for trap doors, wonder what you're put here for Simple as a hint of gas climbing nostrils as you pass Making Harvard graduates feel childish when they laugh at it Climb the rungs to kingdom come, sour patch to acid tongue Are you opposed to having fun? You clench the world between your buns You could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world. You could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world. Your life is always the post of something else Where is the present in the way that you present yourself? And it's disgusting how little that you try The existential equivalence of pink eye Drink alone and watch TV You're expecting harmonies to tap your tune with silver spoons Anthem of impeding doom, Guiding Satan's steady hand, forcing Beatles to disband. It's ego freaks and drama queens, the young at heart know what I mean You could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world. You could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world. You could do better, better than that you're a fraud. Thank God you learned to keep your shirt on. You could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world. You burn so brightly, you burn so brightly in the dark You burn so brightly, you burn so, you burn so You could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world. You could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world. You could do better, better than that you're a fraud. Thank God and learn to keep your shirt on. You could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world. You could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world. We could do better, we could do better, we could be the greatest band in the world.

Wyclef Jean came on April 20, 2012 and proved to the 1500 students that attended the students that he still has as much stage swag as he used to. He came out with a bang free-styling about the protest outside and how he hasn't sold out. Not to mention he got a decent portion of the crowd on stage with him during the last song of his set. The girl's volleyball team also had a fantastic time, as he showed up to their practice earlier in the day and had them all come on stage with him while he sang his hit "Sweetest Girl". So, for all of you who thought that coming to a free concert would make you look anti-boulder, you missed out on quite an epic show.

The month of April.

The month of April for most people means spring weather, celebrating Easter with family and friends, and finishing up the Spring semester. Maybe they can even go to the lake for a little while before finals start up. Unfortunately, yet fortunately at the same time, mine will be nothing like that.

Program Council has released two huge shows which will take place the last two weeks of April. The first show is on April 20, 2012 in the Coors Event Center. Wycliffe Jean will be performing for free and oh-my-gosh it will be ever so amazing. I am so stoked to see all the lights and one of the largest performers Program Council has brought to CU Boulder in a long time. But with all this excitement comes with the preparation of having this happen. The day before, on April 19th, our crew will be working from 8am until around midnight/ 1am. Then, on the actual day of the show, we will be there from 7am til around midnight. That doesn't seem too terrible now that I am thinking about it, but the following week might kill all of us. Then the following week, on April 28, 2012, we are hosting Altitude at Balch Field House. MSTRKRFT is headlining it along with other amazing electronic openers. Yet again, this show will be epic and everyone should go. But the hard work before the show is what tests all of us. For this show, on April 27th, we have a crew call from 7am until ? Yes. Our schedule actually has a question mark on it because we have no clue when we are going to be done. Then that Saturday, crew call is at 7am yet again, but this time we are hoping to be done with everything by 5am on April 29th. Yes. That is almost a 24 hour shift. So, when you guys hear me say that I worked 40 hours in 3 days, these are the days that I am talking about. I will say that huge shows do have more ridiculous hours than a normal weekend, but a normal shift for me is around 12 hours. The only thing that can keep me going is how amazing all my co-workers are and how passionate we all are about our jobs. We all truly love our jobs. But if you ask us if we really love our jobs in the middle of one of these shows, we might yell at you and say how much we hate this $h!t, but that is only because we probably haven't eaten in hours or slept for more than a mere 4 hours. No one would do this job with all the issues and all the hours we spend working instead of hanging out with loved ones if they did not love it.

Getting back on track though, my April is basically chaos. So, if you see me walking around campus looking like a zombie and I ignore your hello, it isn't because I hate you, it is because I am trying my best to stay awake.

I missed you today. I miss you a little everyday, but today was different. Maybe it was the weather or the event I worked or all the people who were over at my house, but I missed you a lot. Today, the scab that was starting to heal opened again, and the heartache only made it worse. I haven't had a night like this since Superbowl Sunday. I was hoping I wouldn't, but we never know what the future brings us. I still wonder if there was anything I could have done. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm better off without you, that you did one of the most terrible things that someone can do in a relationship, that you aren't that attractive. None of it works. Mainly because I didn't fall in love with your looks, I fell in love with your personality, your laugh, your comforting voice and how safe I felt in your arms. I thought what we had was mutual, but I guess I thought wrong. I am trying so very hard to get over you, but it's so difficult when you keep showing up in my life, smiling and innocently flirting. I don't think you even realize you do it. I just hope that this girl is worth it for how much pain you put me through.

So I hate Valentine's day. Always have, always will. But last night was the best one I have ever had. I had the opportunity to listen to two FANTASTIC artists/bands and the only people in the crowd were their fiances and crew. It was like a private show, and it was AMAZING. They were both epic. Not to mention the people on our crew were totally into it as well. It was fun working with 4 other single people, just jamming out to the music. And, they were all so nice! Even the tour manager! Last night was fantastic. (:

I really should start playing piano again. I miss it.

Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin

I have (I have) you breathing down my neck (breathing down my neck) I don't (don't know) what you could possibly expect under this condition so I'll wait (I'll wait) for the ambulance to come (ambulance to come) Pick us up off the floor What did you possibly expect under this condition so Slow down.. this night's a perfect shade of Dark blue (dark blue) Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you I said the world could be burning down Dark blue (dark blue) Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you I said the world could be burning 'til there's nothing but dark blue.. Just dark blue This flood (this flood) is slowly rising up swallowing the ground Beneath my feet, Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition so I'll swim (I'll swim) as the water rises up, the sun is sinking down And now all I can see are the planets in a row Suggesting it's best that I slow down This night's a perfect shade of Dark blue (dark blue) Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you I said the world could be burning (burning) down Dark blue (dark blue) Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you I said the world could be burning dark blue We were boxing We were boxing the stars We were boxing (we were boxing) You were swinging for Mars And then the water reached the West Coast And took the power lines (the power lines) And it was me and you (this could last forever) And the whole town under water There was nothing we could do It was dark blue Dark blue (dark blue) Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you I said the world could be burning (burning) down Dark blue Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you I said the room could be burning now there's nothing but dark blue If you've ever been alone in the dark blue If you've ever been alone you'll know (you'll know)

#music

So I wrote my ex-boyfriend to get closure since he wouldn't tell me why he broke up with me. He told me the day after I gave him this that he broke up with me for another girl. I think this might be one of the hardest things I have ever had to write, yet it means the most. Enjoy.

My dearest,

You might not realize what you have until it's gone, but I never realized what I was missing until you walked into my life. I know that everything happens for a reason, and maybe we weren't meant to be together for a while, but I think our time ran short. It bothers me that you can't give me a straight answer. It bothers me that you won't even try. It bothers me that you tell every person who asks you what happened, a different reason. And it also bothers me that you made this decision over a weekend away, and didn't even talk to your best friend. We had all these plans and ideas, some were for the weekend, some on certain days, some further away. So what really happened? What made you change your mind? I don't want to hear that it didn't feel right, or you thought you'd feel more, or you needed a change. I want the truth. Everyone said you seemed so happy around me, so was it all a lie? Was everything you told me a lie? Every little bit about how terrible it would be to not see me? A week ago, I took what you said walking to the bus stop as a sign that you were falling for me, like I was falling for you. I would have done, and still would, do anything for you. Have you ever been in love? Was it frightening for you to be getting so close to someone so quick, maybe? You destroyed me, and it came out of nowhere. I know that this is not my fault, but I at least want a straight answer, or even another chance. If we could just try this again, just day by day, and work on whatever we need to be on the same page, I would be more than willing. Being with you is one of the greatest things I have ever done, and I was so proud of myself that I had enough courage to ask you out, and the end result wasn't me getting stood up or having a pity date. It was real.

I will always remember our first date. You asked me what my favorite food was, and I had no clue cause I was so nervous. I called Kate and asked her, and we finally decided that I should text you back saying that you should pick since I asked you out. I wore my long plaid shirt with my teal belt, black tights and cowboy boots. You wore a button up shirt and blue jeans. We went to Moongate on Pearl and it was so much fun. I was so nervous, and I could tell you were too, and that made me relax a little. We talked the entire time about everything. Work, school, friends, our day, nothing was off limits. When we finally walked back to your car, you said that you were thinking about going up to the mountains, but because you didn't have a jacket, and mine wasn't that warm, we should just go back to my place. So we did, and we grabbed a blanket and laid outside looking up at the stars. I was so nervous, I was just talking and talking, and after hearing me talk for an hour, you leaned over and kissed me. Hard enough that it surprised me but soft enough that when you pulled away, I was speechless. I told you that you knew how to shut me up and we both laughed. Eventually we both got cold and went inside to my room, turned on my Christmas lights and just talked about music. When you left, I gave you a kiss at the door, and just as I had shut it, Craig squealed. He was so happy for me. And I was happy too. Everything went so well. That following weekend was Homecoming, and it was fun being able to work with you and no one but Pat knew that we had gone on a date. It was our little secret.

You destroyed me Wednesday night when you came over. My confidence, energy, and hope was shot. I have never been so confused, frustrated, disappointed and depressed all at the same time. I have never felt like this around anyone before. You meant the world to me, and unfortunately still do. Seeing you create a party on facebook just threw everything in my face. It was like you were moving on, and I am just a piece of film stuck in the projector repeating myself. With you, it was different. It wasn't just a physical attraction and relationship, it was personality. We complemented each other. We could just sit on the sofa and watch TV, and I would be a million times happier than I was earlier in the day, even if I had a fantastic day. People said we looked so happy that we made other people happy. We gave other people hope on finding something like us. We were so comfortable around each other. I feel like I could have told you anything, you were my best friend. So by losing us, I didn't just lose someone I was in a relationship with, I lost my best friend.

This will be the last time I confront you on this. I might want to again, but I will fight every bone in my body from it. Everything will be strictly professional and I will bite my lip and smile when you say hi in the office. I really hope you can someday give me closure or a second chance. I know the latter is a long shot, but a girl can hope, right?

I am trying to get over you But I can't It hurts more and more everyday But I just grab tight to all the things I used to know We were once invincible But now we're just invisible What ever happened on that night?

For some reason, this song seems to be hitting home with me right now. Maybe it's just the lyrics...

Living Louder by The Cab

If today's the day I die Lay me down under the lights Let me fall in love Let me save a life And let me lose my voice Singing all my favorite songs Let me stare up at the stars 'Cause it's where we all belong My heart like a firework in my chest My only regret is having regrets Travelled the world I loved every step And all I know is: No one, no one lives forever We will be remembered For what we do right now And baby I'm living louder And dreaming longer, tonight (We're living louder, we're living louder) And baby I'm fighting harder And loving stronger tonight (We're loving stronger, we're loving stronger) 'Cause we're all just kids Who grew up way too fast Yeah the good die young But the great will always last We're growing older But we're all soldiers tonight If today's the day I go Gonna drink with all my friends Gonna laugh until we cry As we talk and reminisce And let me kiss a stranger And rob the local bank Let me become real rich So I can give it all away 'Cause no one, no one lives forever But we will be remembered For what we do right now And baby I'm living louder And dreaming longer, tonight (We're living louder, we're living louder) And baby I'm fighting harder And loving stronger tonight (We're loving stronger, we're loving stronger) 'Cause we're all just kids Who grew up way too fast Yeah the good die young But the great will always last We're growing older But we're all soldiers tonight When you've got your breath inside your head Every day's a second chance If I wake up with a beating heart Will I stand or will I fall? I'm living louder Dreaming longer tonight Baby I'm fighting harder And loving stronger tonight And baby I'm living louder And dreaming longer tonight (We're living louder, we're living louder) And baby I'm fighting harder And loving stronger tonight (We're loving stronger, we're loving stronger) 'Cause we're all just kids Who grew up way too fast Yeah the good die young But the great will always last We're growing older But we're all soldiers tonight

#music

So the other day when I was cleaning my room, I found my old song book that had stuff from my freshman year of high school up until my freshman year of college. I kept losing it and then finding it, so it has been pretty beaten up over the years. I started reading some of the older songs, then some of the newer, then compared them to some of the songs I have written in the past six months. Wow have things changed! Not only has my composition of writing increased, but so many life obstacles have occurred! I write when something emotionally straining is happening, whether it be happy or sad or excited or mad. It is weird to look back and read what I wrote about my life at the moment. Sometimes, I can't believe some of the things I have endured in life, good and bad.

Last week I baked mini-heart shaped cakes!

Look how cute they turned out! (:

I cheated and bought a cake mix because my house still has a bunch of mice problems and I didn't want to have mice-bits in them. But I got this really awesome purple silicone tray at target for $2.50. It has 6 little heart molds, so with one batch of cake mix, I made 2 dozen! That little tray is quite awesome, and it doesn't have to be used just for valentine's day! You can use for anniversaries, birthdays, anytime! If you want to buy it, they are located in the section at the front of the store as soon as you walk in where all the $1-$3 stuff is. (:

I can't wait until I work another show that isn't a student group event! I love my job so much. I am so happy I get to do what I love (almost) everyday! Hopefully I will be on Warped this year as a merch person and make some epic connections with other bands who need an LD! (an LD is a lighting designer for concerts in case if anyone didn't know) :D

#work

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