he told me right off the bat the three things that usually turned people off to him: he was 5'7, he smokes weed and he's kinky af.
we texted for a week and a half. there were two red flags - one: he got upset over pictures he had asked me to take for him. I willingly did it and then when it came time to deliver, he said to not send him shit. and then flipped out at me over what I perceived as him getting mad I had posted the pics for others
two: he asked to call me and I said I felt like it was bad news or something. he said never mind and didn't pick up when I called immediately.
he then asked me what he did to make me feel so disposable so quickly. (we'll come back to that)
I'd ask him questions like "what's your favorite position to cuddle in" and he'd respond "with my arm draped over you. big spoon"; and mentioned me in a few long term plans which made me think he was feeling some sort of connection as well.
finally worked out getting brunch during the day. he only had an hour or so and I was so fucking excited. he knew I was nervous and told me I shouldn't be. he told me that he was excited.
he got there earlier than I did. he told me he ended his meeting early so he could get there, which I thought was cute.
I thought the date went well. I thought it went great. I was so so fucking happy and elated after. we kissed. and I was so happy.
throughout the next few hours, he was a little more distant and took longer to respond and then hit me with "Hey. I gotta be honest and tell you that I didn’t feel any spark today. I’m sorry."
and I'm crushed. I let myself put all my eggs in one basket. I let myself really begin to like this guy. I let myself open up to the possibility of him and dating him. and I feel like I just got my feet swept out from under me and my breath got knocked from my lungs.
I feel disposable. 'hey, I got your spicy pics and I'm good and I didn't feel a spark so I'm gonna bounce' and then wonder why I feel disposable. cause its guys like you, asshole. but I guess its girls like me that let them get close enough to do it.
to make matters worse - I texted in my group chat and no one has responded. I feel like I'm fucking spiraling again and I'm in total free fall.
one minute I'm fine, then the next I literally can't get up off of the floor. I just want to move in a linear fashion. no regression. no backslides.
I can't move forward and I feel like I can't afford to not get out of bed for hours.
I feel like such a fucking failure for not being able to move past this.
I also feel like I can't express how much I'm loosing with this relationship being over.
I'm having to reevaluate my entire fucking life.
I'm loosing friendships I never thought I would have to separate from. and I know they're choosing him; they were his friends first. but that hurts too, knowing they're choosing him.
i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this. i can't fucking do this.
I don't get to know what the fuck is going through your head. I don't get to know why. I don't get to know when you started to feel this way.
it's unfair for me to reach out to you and I know that, but that's all I want. I want to call you. I want to see a text from you when I look at my phone. I want to hear your voice. I want to talk to you. and I want you to know how much I'm fucking hurting.
but I know you won't ask. and I know I can't give you an honest answer even if you did ask. because despite you WRECKING me, I can't do that to you.
me: I know I said I was okay with Sunday but I don’t know if I am
you: We don’t have to wait until Sunday but I’m not ready to talk yet
how do I tell you that I've had 5 panic attacks in less than 3 days.
how do I tell you I've sobbed myself to sleep every night.
how do I tell you that I physically can not handle waiting any longer to know whether or not I have a boyfriend, whether or not someone wants to be with me.
how do I tell you that you've hurt me so much, I don't know if I can ever forgive you if you decide you want to continue.
how do I tell you I can't keep doing this.
how do I tell you that I've never felt more alone than I do right now.
how do I give you the space you need, but not break down every hour.
how do I continue to be a functioning human when I've never felt this much heartbreak in my entire life.
I never in a million years thought I would be in this situation.
i never thought you could hurt me like this.
I never thought I’d be in a situation where I am so hurt and upset and I cant reach out to the one person who has calmed me down and made me feel better.
i never thought we’d be at the possibility of untangling our lives.
i never thought I’d have to make a list of all the things I need to give back to you. A list of the passwords you’ll have to change. Of the things I’ll have to log out of. Of the experiences we talked about that will never happen.
i never thought I could resent you. Even a little.
i never thought I could hurt this much.
I never thought I could not want to feel this much.
of the boys I dated, you were good to me. you were sweet and kind and respected my boundaries. you didn't get upset when I ended things (thank you manipulation in the name of "christian love").
.
.
I remember the night you came over... not so clearly, but we did watch 3 movies, one of which was scary. we started to cuddle then fell asleep multiple times and then it was close to 3 am and I wasn't going to make you walk across campus, so you stayed the night. we slept in the same bed and cuddled and that was it.
.
.
I remember sitting across from my bible study leader in Panera after our sleepover. I remember her staring at me with the "well, are you going to tell me" look of a middle aged woman. I remember her coercing me to tell her you stayed the night, but I stressed that nothing had happened. (she didn't know I had a handful of guys stay the night in my dorm freshman year....) I remember the look on her face in her car as she told me she cried for me. and then manipulated and gas lit me into believing I needed to date a christian man. *laughs in bisexual and tarot cards*
.
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I remember the nights you'd pick me up and we'd go get dinner and then back to your dorm to watch movies and spend the night cuddling. I fondly look back on those memories.
.
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I remember ending things with you in my favorite coffee shop. I knew you were hurt. and I felt justified because I needed to date a christian man. UGH. that makes me want to puke. I knew it was wrong - it's why I reached back out to you that summer. and then it was my turn to be hurt when you blocked me on all of the things...
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