Back when I was young, I used to hear the words "never give up on your dream", and then I say to myself "what exactly is my dream?" I imagined to become somebody in the future but it kept changing as time flew by. I dreamt of becoming a teacher, a lawyer, a corporate boss, a writer, and even a celebrity. But how did I dream of becoming a doctor? Well it was for a reason.
I would say that I had a happy childhood, but it wasn't perfect. I remember being sick most of the time, hence the frequent visits to several pediatricians. I know being sick is not a good thing, but I get excited whenever I go to visit their clinic. I looked forward to seeing them looking at their best with their stethoscope around their neck. Even if it was not comfortable I actually liked the taste of the tongue depressor because it was flavored. I was amazed at how my arms and legs would react when they test my reflexes with a neuro hammer. The injections were painful of course, but I wasn't scared of it. I remember my mother telling my last pedia "doc, gusto nyan magdoctor" to which he replied "naku mahirap magdoctor!" It was a memory I held on for a long time since I also knew then that being a doctor would need a lot of money and a lot of brain cells.
So what made me become one? Grief. Grief brought me here.
2017 happened. It was a really tough year for me. Losing a parent at the age of 27 while being heartbroken from a relationship was a lot for me to endure at that time. I witnessed how my father suffered from a disease that was difficult to diagnose and was too late to treat. I cried so hard the night before he passed, knowing that he had a slim chance of survival, and that my life will never be the same.
Losing a parent feels like losing half of your identity. You always think about the reason why you still exist, what would be your purpose moving forward, and how would you continue staying alive. These were the thoughts that bugged me during those times, but then two options kept popping up in my mind - to work abroad or to pursue medicine. I ultimately chose the latter for two reasons, one is to look after my mother and the second is to finally have the guts to achieve my dream.
Six years of hard work, persistence, and faith lead me to where I am today. I did not care about my age when I entered med school, but I did not anticipate the "generational gap" from my classmates as most of them were younger than I am. I had to figure out how to deal with them while hustling with my studies. Then of course the pandemic happened which had me thinking of going back as a nurse or sticking to studying with the thought that I might eventually be labeled as a "Google doctor". The clerkship and internship year were the hardest but still the most memorable because I had a first hand experience of what it's like to actually treat patients, realizing that I was now in the position where I get to do what my doctors did to me when I was a kid. I took the board exam twice, and I have to say I deserved to fail the first one because I did not prepare properly. So I had to reset and I focused as much as I can to eventually pass the second one.
There were several "pinch-me" moments since day 1 and to this day, I still cannot believe how I got here. When I got my license at PRC, I opted to stay in a corner first instead of walking towards the exit right away. I stared at my ID for a while trying not to cry but deep inside I was emotional. I was thinking of those whom I had to express my gratitude.
To my father, I hope you are doing well wherever you are, I really wish you were still alive but I know you are always here with us and I know you saw everything. I carry your memory with me always.
To my mother, I am proud to say I made it because of your unwavering support. You were always there despite the challenges I had to go through.
To my closest relatives - my aunties, uncle, cousins, nieces, and nephews, thank you for also supporting me in your own way. Some of you may not show it but I felt it.
To my closest friends, whom I consider my sisters and brothers, I am also grateful for your support ever since I decided to go to med school. I appreciate your advices when I needed it and even if we are busy with our own lives you did not fail to check on me.
To my mentors in UNP, in ITRMC, and in BGHMC, thank you for the guidance. Most of you may not have directly taught me but please know that I value your efforts in making me become the better version of myself.
To my classmates, co-clerks, and co-interns, I also thank you for the opportunity to get to know you. It was a heck of a ride but we made it. To those who have yet to get their license, I truly believe God will grant your heart's desires in due time, and know that I will be rooting for you.
To the Lord Almighty, I have never been a religious person but I have always believed that You were always there in all the situations that I have been into, whether they were good or not. I thank you for guiding me through this path and I know that You will still continue to do so along the way.
To myself, I will always be thankful to you for being able to withstand everything despite the setbacks. There is still a long way to go of course, and I know you are still taking your time to decide on what to do next. But fear not, just as you have always been in the past, I am sure you will be able to find out eventually.
And finally, to grief, you brought me here. You were the one I hate to experience but I did. I don't know if I should thank you, but the fact that if not for you I would not be stepping out into the world to save lives and become somebody who contributes to society. As ironic as it sounds, it is still worth noting that I mention you here.
