[kerosenekiss]

I sat in my car on the side of the road at night, in the rain. I felt the depths of the ocean creep up to the top of my throat; and I finally understood, I finally understood why so many transgender people kill themselves. after years of "she", and "her", and "it". It seems so much easier than fighting the whole world. Proving that you are what you say you are is very difficult when people don't believe what you say you are exists. A song came on the radio that meant nothing, But it was catchy, and because something doesn't need to mean anything to mean something in that moment, I sang along, and got back to driving. Because I already felt dead, so what is the point in wrecking a perfectly good car, just to appease a damaged mind. The last time I felt like dying really wouldn't make a difference, I wrote this poem, and it doesn't mean anything, but in that moment. It did.

There's a 69% chance I'll try to kill myself

[kerosenekiss]

You said you wanted a love story like in the books, so I wrote of you and for you everyday, but at some point it went from a fairy tale to Romeo and Juliet and it just left me with a 38 revolver for Russian roulette. You always hated their story, now you hate ours too

a weird poem (via kerosenekiss)

[kerosenekiss]

If there was no water there would be no life. Nothing; well maybe some anaerobic bacteria or some weird shit. But not us, not animals, not trees, And it’s crazy to think that the same water that was here thousands of years ago still is. Just in different forms. I just thought I’d tell you that so you could understand that when I say ‘I love like she’s water’, I don’t mean that she’s simple, or basic, or clear. But needed. The base for every goddamn thing I’ve ever made, my ground zero, where I imploded and no ones bothered to check the wreckage 'cause it takes hundreds or even thousands of years for the world to know a star exploded so how would anyone notice little me tripping over my tongue to explain how water reminding me of her is a good thing. Water is needed, but it’s not always liquid, sometimes it’s just fucking useless; like everyone on this planet. That’s why you live. That’s why you put the razor down, And you eat some fucking pizza. not because who you are now, or who you have to hold you now; but for who you will be, and who you will save, and who will find more beauty in your eyes than Niagara falls. I say 'I love her like water’ because I know she will change, I know she will grow, I know she will at some point feel pointless and worthless like water vapor but I’ll hold her 'till she comes down from the clouds and she gets back to herself; or a new self. 'Cause she’s like water; I can’t breathe around her but I need her to breathe.

I Love Her Like Water (via kerosenekiss)

[writingsforwinter]

Homewrecker

Tonight I try to forget you by going through all our past

hookups in slow motion over and over again,

until they’re playing on repeat in my head. I tie ropes

for the people I love and let them hang like nooses:

nobody just falls in love with me. They break their necks

trying to do so. Fireflies are the saddest creatures

on earth because they’re constantly trying to pin

the blame for their brightness on someone else.

I dream of peaches whenever we go for three days

without seeing one another-their ripe, pale orange

skins, swollen like miniature globes.

The juice that falls out, falls through.

You’ll never be something on my grocery list

along with packets of instant coffee, ramen noodles,

or beer. To me, you’re not a necessity to survive;

you’re just a necessity to keep on living.

I only wish I hadn’t pinned the blame

for all my past mistakes on you, otherwise

your light wouldn’t have gone out,

like all those fireflies so long ago.

[dscovery]

[itsokaytodecay]

I don’t think people realize how much strength it takes to pull your own self out of an anxiety attack or a panic attack. So if you’ve done that today or any day, I’m proud of you.

[kerosenekiss]

Through the eyes of a broken soul he realized he had no control. The word love made him claustrophobic, and her head against his chest made him sweat. The cadence of breathing is all he hears.   He’s running laps to get away from where she’s running to

[kerosenekiss]

I hate you because I can’t

Six word story (via kerosenekiss)

[kdecember-deactivated20161201]

You came to me while we were sleeping, we were both sleeping, and you asked me to hold this for you. I am holding this for you.

Richard Siken  (via kdecember)

[kerosenekiss]

-the genderation of binary codes

Dear surveyor, Get your multiple choice gender question the fuck out of my face A. B. C. Or D. There are not enough letters in all of the alphabets in the world to quantify human. In 29 states for your sexuality, and 32 for your gender identity. you can be fired, expelled, and rejected service, mcdonalds can tell u to go fuck yourself. Tell me how we are equal. Teach me, teach me my heterosexual cis gendered hstory teacher about the civil rights battle. Key word history. about how it’s over, about how not only are black and white equal in America. but how EVERYONE is equal in america. It must be 1966 in the heart of the south because there are people painting suits of straight onto their skin, curling the queer out of their hair, Stripping the rainbows off at pride and throwing them into the gutter to keep their job. Choke on your pronouns, be deafened by your given name. Dont ask dont tell, and dont look like it either. This all means nothing. Civil rights issues mean lynching, mean death, mean segregation, mean slaves rising up and then shutting up. Because the race thing is now over right?? Gender issues aren’t real right? Second class citizenship is a thing of museums. Tell me how we are equal, tell me about your latest encounter with the queers? Did you see one at Walmart?? Catch them in the corner of your eye, quick look away! Guard your child! The queer much like UV rays will break down your skin and infect you with the cancer of progress, with the cancer of acceptance, with the cancer of empathy. forever changed. Yes yes we are the sun. To good, to bright for your eyes. 01010110110 The first time i read a queer article (yes! Queers are capable, of working and do infact need money for food. We do not sit at home on tumblr, listening to tegan and sara, watching spoken word, filter feeding with our genderless friends: chip, old penny, and used napkin) The first time i read a queer article. I was introduced to ze, hir, hirs, e, em, eir, eirs, and hireself. Gender neutral pronouns, i tripped over them and attempted to create sentences. Learning a new language, the broken language of acceptance, of understanding, of trying. 01010110110 Fuck your binary gender system. We are not websites to be uncoded 11101100101 Your generation had their turn. Let us have ours

[wordsnquotes]

We could have been happy. I know that, and it is perhaps the hardest thing to know.

Ally Condie, Matched (via wordsnquotes)

[kerosenekiss]

-the genderation of binary codes

Dear surveyor, Get your multiple choice gender question the fuck out of my face A. B. C. Or D. There are not enough letters in all of the alphabets in the world to quantify human. In 29 states for your sexuality, and 32 for your gender identity. you can be fired, expelled, and rejected service, mcdonalds can tell u to go fuck yourself. Tell me how we are equal. Teach me, teach me my heterosexual cis gendered hstory teacher about the civil rights battle. Key word history. about how it’s over, about how not only are black and white equal in America. but how EVERYONE is equal in america. It must be 1966 in the heart of the south because there are people painting suits of straight onto their skin, curling the queer out of their hair, Stripping the rainbows off at pride and throwing them into the gutter to keep their job. Choke on your pronouns, be deafened by your given name. Dont ask dont tell, and dont look like it either. This all means nothing. Civil rights issues mean lynching, mean death, mean segregation, mean slaves rising up and then shutting up. Because the race thing is now over right?? Gender issues aren’t real right? Second class citizenship is a thing of museums. Tell me how we are equal, tell me about your latest encounter with the queers? Did you see one at Walmart?? Catch them in the corner of your eye, quick look away! Guard your child! The queer much like UV rays will break down your skin and infect you with the cancer of progress, with the cancer of acceptance, with the cancer of empathy. forever changed. Yes yes we are the sun. To good, to bright for your eyes. 01010110110 The first time i read a queer article (yes! Queers are capable, of working and do infact need money for food. We do not sit at home on tumblr, listening to tegan and sara, watching spoken word, filter feeding with our genderless friends: chip, old penny, and used napkin) The first time i read a queer article. I was introduced to ze, hir, hirs, e, em, eir, eirs, and hireself. Gender neutral pronouns, i tripped over them and attempted to create sentences. Learning a new language, the broken language of acceptance, of understanding, of trying. 01010110110 Fuck your binary gender system. We are not websites to be uncoded 11101100101 Your generation had their turn. Let us have ours

[kerosenekiss]

My god, you piece of shit

6 word story

[enanti0pathy-deactivated2016090]

Advice to my 16 year old self:  1) Fall in love with all your heart, but don’t let that love define you.  2) You will have your heart broken, that does not make you broken. Make yourself a cup of tea, down a gallon of ice cream, let yourself cry. It won’t make you weak, it makes you human. 3) Forgive the people that hurt you, but do not forget what they did. Hate makes the heart heavy, but forgetting past hurt makes a future of pain. 4) Love your body; from your love handles to your button nose, love every inch of yourself, even when you feel like no one else does.  5) Take care of yourself. Weather that means putting on your favorite lotion or showering for the first time in weeks, you’ll be glad you did.  6) When your friends leave you and you feel alone, remember that it does not say nearly as much about you as it does about them. Move on, friends come and go. Find people that will be there for the long haul.  7) You owe it to yourself to take a break. Call in sick to school. Go on an adventure.  8) Don’t hold everything against yourself. You are not the enemy. You do not deserve to be punished for everything that goes wrong. 9) Stand up for yourself. Don’t take anyone else’s shit. Don’t limit yourself to their opinions of you. 10) When that feeling of panic sets in, remember, you will be okay. 11) People will try to help you, let them.  12) I know times are hard, but you can make it through. There are moments that will make your life worth living, people that will make you smile no matter how sad you are. Hold on to the moments that bring you happiness. Embrace that happiness.

Things I wish I would have realized at 16. S.A.M. (via tragicallywonderfuldisaster)

[kerosenekiss]

For years, I have made jokes and political statements of my masculinities. Wearing them as an accomplishment, a subconscious attempt to earn the word “man”. I have fought, and fought, and fought Myself for pronouns. every casual statement screaming “I’m a man” “I’m a man” “I’m a man”, met with steady eyes and “Shut the fuck up, Van, you have a vagina” For eight months, that is what my lover told me. I would say I’m a man and she would tell me I’m not. I told her I’m a man just to hear her say “No you’re not”. To remind myself that no, I’m not. I am nothing more than a chest binder with armpit hair and ill fitting pants. I have no choice of pronouns; I am nothing more than a dyke to anyone around here; being a dyke is bad enough. I live in a small town with big trucks and straight people. I should be thankful they allow a dyke around here. Where the only thing girls are supposed to say is “I want some dick”. well I want a dick, not because I believe I can’t be a man without one, but because I know nobody will call me a man if I don’t have one. And maybe all of this is why I am seventeen and stare at my mirror repeating “I’m transgender, I am tr-” I don’t even want that word in this poem. I am not writing this for your acceptance, I am writing this for mine. Because I already know their acceptance is reserved for straight or gay but genderqueer is out of the question. The other day my friends were watching a movie with a “tranny” . All they called him was she. Be careful, don’t correct them because: “We don’t need to turn this into a Tumblr post Van” “Shut the fuck up Van” “who cares Van”, and suddenly it’s not my binder compressing my lungs, it’s “she”, it’s “her”, it’s “Vanessa”, it’s the fact that what’s in my pants is no concern of theirs until I want to change it. I am transgender, I’m a man. I will say it every day, every week, all year, for the rest of my life; until there is no more room for “her” in my brain, until I have affirmed it more than it has been questioned. I am transgender, and for years, that will be all they see.

Around Here

[kerosenekiss]

People make love sound like giving someone your sweater, I find it has more resemblance to removing you skin for them, taking away the obvious scars that anyone could see and showing your muscles, the lack of and were they're torn. Where blood pumps the hardest. Let them see what even you believe you're good at. And what brings you to your knees. Telling her all those pesky dreams like "maybe I can sing" and she hears you, both aware that you're no American idol but she says it's beautiful, "please sing for me everyday". Maybe it's the kind of love that can stop wars, though I'm not sure there is such a thing if the story of Romeo and Juliet killed six and wasn't forever. Maybe it's the kind of love that could start wars; cause at our worst days, In our worst fights, I would never walk away I'd fight for you- like I fight the truth in my brain that you might not stay. The only thing I know to be true is you, If intoxication can happen by sight then your face, your eyes, your lips are whiskey. And I pray every day that I never fall asleep from you, only to wake up to a hangover All of these fools saying love Conquers all, like love is a field of flowers, love is a battle field, with thousands of corpses that weren't ready for it, a war with casualties that deny it, the biggest mine field you will ever walk through and there are no signs to mark where it starts, no metal detectors to tell you where you shouldn't step. "All is fair in love and war" makes sense cause they're the same, but you wouldn't know unless you've fought in both. When she said I love you I couldn't stop smiling, like a fifth generation marine headed off to boot camp. But there was no boot camp, I was drafted into a war I did not support, handed a gun I could never shoot, and a vest that couldn't stop her from shooting me. Cause we started out on the same side, but forgot why we were fighting. I never wore my vest around you, I never thought friendly fire could be an issue- It's a white eyed demon that can't be stopped, possessing you whether you know it or not; you're a hafling that doesn't know what you got into, without any holy water you're just a corpse. stitched up from your wrists, Love carved in your chest to your bones, But no rib cage could ever stop this bullet

Love

[provst-deactivated20190401]

Strange violin, why do you follow me? In how many foreign cities did you speak of your lonely nights and those of mine. Are you being played by hundreds? Or by one? Do in all great cities men exist who tormented and in deep despair would have sought the river but for you? And why does your playing always reach me? Why is it that I am always neighbor to those lost ones who are forced to sing and to say: Life is infinitely heavier than the heaviness of all things.

Rainer Maria Rilke, The Neighbour (via fleurstains)