Sara is desperate for answers on Kevin. And seeing as she can’t get any answers from him, she decides that she needs to look elsewhere.Â
{With @corihrp}
Sara leaned against the counter top of the kitchen, sighing heavily. She didn’t want to go behind Kevin’s back, but what else could she really do? Kevin wouldn’t ever admit to anything until he was completely cornered and forced to. And if anyone knew anything, it would likely be Cori. He’d likely be furious if he found out about this, but she was just looking out for her son. She had already lost one son, and she wasn’t planning on losing another. Hearing the doorbell ring, she straightened herself out, and made her way to the front door, seeing Cori standing there when she opened it. “Hey, sweetie,” she said, pulling her into a hug, “Thank you so much for coming over. I’m sorry to text you so out of the blue,” she said, motioning for Cori to come inside the house. Sara felt awful. She just asked Cori to come over, without any explanation, and she was just going to drop this bomb. What if she had no idea about any of this? It would break her heart…
Cori hopped at the chance to get out of her house when Sara, Kevin’s mom texted her. Looking for a good excuse to procrastinate on her homework. Quickly changing into a pair of jean shorts, a white loose button up and brown leather flip flops, Cori was on her way over and it just occurred to her that this could be serious. She knew Kevin was a practice because he had texted her earlier telling her that he’d call when he got out, so why would Mrs. Howarth want to talk so randomly like this. “Don’t be so negative Cori. Maybe it’s a surprise party planning type of thing…Graduation?” She shrugged and parked her rover besides the sidewalk. When she knocked Sara was quick to open the door and Cori barely had time to smile before worry came over her again. “"It’s no problem at all. Is everything okay?” She made her way to the kitchen and sat on one of the island stools.
Sara stood across from Cori, leaning against the island. She bit her lip, not expecting to bring this subject up so quickly. She had been preparing for some small talk, then the heavy stuff. “I’m really sorry,” she said, taking a deep breath. She felt herself get nervous. She wanted to know the answer, but she was terrified to know the truth. “Umm… I just… Have you noticed anything with Kevin lately? Or anytime really. He’s just… when I was in his room the other day, I saw cuts on his inner bicep and elbow, and scars on his wrists, and I figured you’d probably know something, because he’s refusing to talk to me, and I just want to know what’s going on with him.”
Cori took sat up a bit uncomfortably and looked down at the floor boards. She didn’t know he was still doing that. He said he’d stopped so long ago. “I um, He hasn’t told me anything about that…’ She bit her lip, a clear look of hurt taking over her face. "Have you tried going through his things for clues?” Usually she wouldn’t be the one for snooping, but Kevin was hurting himself, her Kevin. The love of her life and if she was in this situation he’d do the same she was sure of it.
“I’m sorry… I know this kind of a big thing to just drop on you,” she said sighing heavily. “I tried. I couldn’t find anything. Just his razor for shaving. I mean, maybe I’m looking in all the wrong places, or maybe he’s just really good at hiding it. I don’t know… I’m sorry for this.”
Cori waved her hands in defense. “I’m really glad you trust me enough to trust me with this.” She could already feel her nose running from the tears waiting to be released. That and she had a bit of a cold, but her eyes were begging to let the water works begin. Though she could only imagine how Sara felt. Losing her son and finding out Kevin is hurting himself too. Cors got up and embraced her tightly. Cori allowed herself to melt as well. “We won’t lose him. Even if it’s the last thing I do I won’t let myself lose him, or even have you lose another son.” She hung on tightly, missing a mother’s warmth; Sara reminded her a lot of her own mom. Her hugs anyway. She was close to tearing apart at the seams when she remembered that this wasn’t about her. She couldn’t be selfish-she had to be strong. Cori pulled away and wiped her eyes. “Would you like me to help you look through anything?” Being in Kevin’s room as much as she was, Cori was sure to run into something Sara could’ve missed.
Sara returned the hug, holding Cori tightly, her words bringing tears to her eyes. “You’re incredible, you know?” she said, sniffling slightly. “Thank you,” she said, gratefully, as Cori pulled away. “Please, go ahead. I’m sure you know his head better than anyone else, I’m sure you’ll be able to find something no one can,” she told Cori. “Come,” she said, taking Cori’s hand, and leading her to Kevin’s room in the basement.
Cori shook her head and smiled. “No, you. You’ve always been so sweet to me,” Even she didn’t need to be, and it made her feel special and loved. Even with all the neglect from her dad and her brother, the Howarth’s never ever let her down. She grabbed her hand and smiled and followed her. “Okay, well I know I liked to hide things in…” She turned to his book shelf and bit her lip as Perks came to her view. She knew how much he loved that book when she;s only read a couple chapters and skipped straight to the movie, but she’s been meaning to read the rest. Cori picked up the book and something her heart felt heavy as she flipped through the pages to find his blades. She pursed her lips and turned to Sara. “I’d hide it in something I valued.” She turned to face her, revealing the blades hidden within the book.
Sara was digging through his bedside drawer, completely ignoring the box of condoms she’d previously found in there, figuring that’s where he’d hide something, considering that he hid /condoms/ there. Maybe that’s where he hid everything he didn’t want others to find. Or maybe he scattered everything… which was probably the case, considering that she still couldn’t find anything. She turned to see Cori standing there with Perks open in her hands, the blades staring back at her. She walked over to Cori, taking one of the three blades in her hands. It was clean except for the small remains of dry blood. She sighed heavily, trying to push back any emotions that threatened to come out. She couldn’t speak. Even if she wanted to, she wouldn’t even know what to say… Her son, her /baby/ was hurting himself.
A bit of perspective of what Kevin’s mother sees of not only Kevin, but everything else in her life.
Sara didn’t like going in her son’s room. She always felt like one of those overbearing moms that would snoop around their children’s rooms, trying to find out what trouble they’ve been up to. She hated Kevin thinking that she didn’t trust him or anything, because she did. Out of all of her kids, the one that she never had any reason not to trust was Kevin. So, she only went into his room when she really had to, which was usually to get his laundry.
On her way out of his bedroom, her eye caught an old photograph. It was perched high on the top shelf of Kevin’s bookshelf. Kevin probably hasn’t looked at it since he put it there when he moved into the bedroom 3 years ago. It was a picture from their vacation on the coast of Spain when Kevin was 4. Marcus was 9, and Emily was 13, and the three of them were sitting together on a beach towel.
Sara couldn’t help but think about how much Kevin had grown over the years. He went from being the shy quiet kid sitting in the back of the classroom, to the young man he is today. He still has his shy side, but compared to how he was as a kid, he made a complete 180. He was smart, kind, thoughtful, he was everything Sara could’ve wanted him to grow up to be. Yes, he went back into his shell a bit after Marcus died, but he seemed to be getting better. He seemed to be getting happier, finally. And some improvement was better than none in Sara’s eyes.
The next time Sara went into Kevin’s room she just quickly grabbed the pile of clothes in the corner of the room, and shoved them in the hamper. What never made sense to Sara, was how Kevin never had his clothing thrown across his room, they were always in a pile in the corner, but never in the hamper. Even when Sara tried to place the hamper where the pile normally was, the pile just moved across the room. Maybe that was Kevin’s way of rebelling.
She brought the hamper to the laundry room, and began separating all of Kevin’s clothes. Half way through the hamper, she came across a red hoodie, far too small to be Kevin’s. No doubt it was Cori’s. She chuckled lightly to herself, tossing it in the color pile.
Sara wasn’t going to lie, when Kevin first mentioned Cori, she got an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach. He was inviting her over to watch a movie or something, and there was just something about that that made her skin itch in the wrong way. Kevin was in a bad place. He could easily be influenced by anything, especially a girl that no one in the family knew. This girl wasn’t Kate, who had done nothing but good for Kevin. This girl was a stranger. She could’ve been serious trouble for Kevin. Â
Cori proved to be good for her son. Sara should’ve known when Kevin walked through the front door the first time Cori had come over, that she would be. He just had that smile on his face. It wasn’t the “Wow, I just spend the night with the girl I’m in love with” smile. It was just a content little “I genuinely had a good night” smile. And Sara hadn’t seen that from her son in a long while. Yet, Sara chose to ignore it, and remained apprehensive about her friendship with this new girl.
It wasn’t until Sara started noticing subtle changes in her son that began warming up to this new girl. Kevin started talking more, he went out more often, she even started seeing Connor around more often. And as Cori’s presence grew more frequent in Kevin’s life, the smile on his face after she was gone grew bigger every time. Sara could tell that Kevin was developing a little bit of a crush, even if he wouldn’t admit it. But Sara didn’t think much of it. It was just normal teen infatuation. It likely wouldn’t turn into much. And that was the second assumption Sara had about Cori that proved to be incorrect.
She realized this on Christmas. Knowing Cori had recently lost her mother, she knew how hard the holiday would be on her, so Sara insisted on inviting Cori and her family over for Christmas dinner, thinking it would be easier for not only Cori’s family, but the Howarth family as well.
Cori ended up being the only one in her family to take advantage of it, which Sara didn’t mind. Some company was better than none. If it were just the Howarths at dinner, it would’ve been the same as Christmas morning. Everyone would’ve wanted to enjoy it, but it would’ve been difficult, because it was just so different. Everyone would be waiting for Marcus to pop up with some stupid joke, or something like that. There would be this lingering sadness that no one would dare to mention, but just try and push back for the sake of everyone else. And with Cori coming over, that would probably be avoided.
Now, Sara knew at that time that Cori was involved with someone (he had mentioned it when Emily began to tease him about their close friendship), so she expected them to act a certain way together. She expected for Kevin to look at her with a goofy smile when she wasn’t looking, or he’d compliment her genuinely, and she would just smile politely and say thank you, and really take any overly friendly gesture as just friendly. In other words: she expected Kevin to be friend zoned.
Incorrect theory number three. The way they interacted with each other was so peculiar. It was like… with every move that one of them made, the other complimented it. They were in their own litter universe. They’d have their own little side conversations at the table without saying a single word. It was like they made eye contact for 5 seconds, and have an entire conversation in that one split second. It was like they were connected to each other on some weirdly spiritual level. So no, Kevin was in no way friend zoned. With all the times Cori looked at Kevin when he wasn’t looking, and with the way she could read his mind, or how she blushed every time Kevin said the slightest positive thing about her (even something about how she was a good study buddy), Sara knew that this other guy may have had her on the surface, but Kevin was the one who had a hold of her heart, and she had one on his. And eventually, they wouldn’t be able to deny it any longer. Whether they wanted to believe it or not, they were hopelessly in love with each other, and that was bound to come out eventually.
Eventually came sooner than Sara had expected. It wasn’t until only two weeks after Christmas that Kevin said that he and Cori were official. And Sara thought that with that, Kevin would finally be truly happy. Unfortunately, Sara was proven wrong again.
To Cori’s credit, she did help him out a lot. He was the Kevin she knew before Marcus died, but at the same time, she wasn’t at all. He carried himself differently. Point blank: Kevin was depressed. She knew. It really wasn’t that hard to tell. Cori just made things easier for him. She at least gave him a reason to get out of the house, and want to be a normal teenager. Cori was a band-aid of sorts for him. She helped his wounds, prevented them from getting worst, but she couldn’t heal them. Sara didn’t expect her to, no one did. But could scars healed with time, and with Cori by his side, Sara knew Kevin’s eventually would.
Sara sat at the kitchen table, going through her latest e-mails, when Jonathan walked into the kitchen, making his way towards the sink for a glass of water.
“How’s work?” he asked, as he shut off the water. Sara just rolled her eyes.
“Tedious.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, walking over to her, wrapping his arms around his wife from behind.
“It’s okay. It’s not your fault I get 200 e-mails a day,” Sara huffed.
“I have a question for you,” John stated.
“Mmmm?”
“Do we want to go to Greece this year?”
“Greece?”
“Yeah, you know, the vacation house that we paid dearly for ten years ago?”
“Ah, of course,” she said.
“So do you want to go? Or are we not going to go again?”
“Um… I’ll get back to you, okay? I’ll see what Kevin and Emily think.”
“Sounds good,” John said, unwrapping his arms form around her. “Have fun,” he said, kissing the top of her head, before leaving the kitchen, leaving Sara alone.
She hadn’t even thought about Greece in so long. They went every summer up until last year, when, with everything going on, planning the trip just kind of slipped their mind. The truth was, now that it was mentioned, she really didn’t want to go back to Greece. It wouldn’t be the same. Greece was a family vacation. But one couldn’t call it a family vacation, if one member was missing. They weren’t a family anymore. Not without Marcus.
Sara was always a very composed person. Not that she lacked emotion, nor did she cover hers up, she was just very well held together. The only thing was, that when she couldn’t hold herself together, she completely shattered. It often happened with our much warning or reason, she would just completely unravel. And that’s what was happening now.
Sara didn’t understand. She’d had this thought before. She’d thought about how her family could never fully be a family ever again before. She thought about it every time she set the damn dinner table. But she never cried while placing one less setting at the dinner table, so why was she crying when she was thinking about going away?
She just wanted her son back. Though Marcus was a goofball, and sometimes immature, she loved him with everything inside off her, and she wouldn’t trade him for anything. She got a son, and he was ripped from her world, without warning or reason. It wasn’t fair. Not at all.
The drawer of Kevin’s night stand. That’s where he kept his phone charger. Sara had somehow misplaced hers, so she was just going to snag Kevin’s until she had a few spare minutes to go buy a new one, or find hers. She opened the drawer, expecting to find nothing more than a few chargers, and maybe a few other pointless things, like his old glasses or something like that. She did not, however, expect to find a box of condoms.
She stared at the box, completely forgetting about the charger. This was something she’d expect to maybe find in Marcus’ drawers… but not Kevin. She didn’t want to make the assumption that Kevin was a virgin, because he probably wasn’t. He’s been in two committed relationships, and he was a teenage boy. No matter how sensible and respectful he was, sex was still on his mind. But still… this wasn’t something Sara expected to see.
“Kevin, can I ask you something?” she asked, as Kevin walked through the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water, as Sara made dinner.
“Yeah, sure.”
“I just… I was looking for your phone charger, because I couldn’t find mine, and I came across some condoms in you room, and I just…”
“Mom, please stop right there,” he said, already traumatized. He was not going to talk to his mom about his sex life. Nope. Not happening. He loved his mom, and he considered himself close with her, but not this close.
“I know I can’t stop you from having–” Kevin cut her off.
“Mom, seriously. This is a really uncomfortable conversation for me, I hope you realize that.” He really just wanted to get out of this room.
“I know, but just hear me out. I’m glad you’re being safe, but I just want to make sure you’re respecting her.”
“What do you mean respecting her?”
“You’re a teenage boy, you have needs. I’m not accusing you of anything, or anything like that, I just want to make sure you haven’t pressured her into anything.”
“Okay, I’m leaving,” he said, turning to leave.
“Kevin–” she tried to call after her son.
“Bye mom,” he called, not even turning around. Sex talks were not happening. Â
When Sara when into Kevin’s room to collect his laundry, it was early on a Sunday morning. She just wanted to get it done before the day began. He went in, and he was sound asleep, which didn’t seem to happen too often. He usually was up at the crack of dawn to go run or surf. But today he was asleep, tossing and turning, occasionally he’d mumble something completely incoherent.
She walked up next to his bed, to pick up the t-shirt that was tossed there carelessly. But when she leaned down, Kevin also decided to toss, causing his arm to dangle off the side of the bed, the inner side of his arm completely exposed, and his hand dangling right in front of her face. She grabbed the shirt then stood up. She looked down at her son, smiling contently. Maybe he’d be a bit more upbeat if he slept in for once in his life.
As she was about to turn around to pick up the rest of her sons clothes, her eye got caught on something that stopped her. Cuts. On his inner bicep, towards the bottom by his elbow. She carefully took his arm in her hand, trying to get a better look. No question they were self inflicted. Clean and careful, fairly evenly spaced, they rarely crossed… there was no way that this couldn’t be self inflicted.
Which begged the question… why? She knew that, to an extent, Kevin was depressed. He lost his brother, his best friend. But was it really his bad? She thought he was getting better… he seemed to be happier, but this proved wrong. And how long as this been going on? It’s clearly been a long time… some of these scars had clearly been there for some time.
Sara ran her fingers gently along her son’s arm, feeling the bumps of the scars in disbelief. She’d been oblivious to one son’s pain, and she vowed never to let that happen again… but it did. She had let Kevin’s demons grow, and he’d been hurting himself for who knows how long.
She felt tears sting her eyes. How could she do this again? How could she let herself be oblivious like this? Was she really that bad of a mother? To let not one, but two of her sons get to the point of hurting themselves to fight off their demons? What if Kevin got to the point of Marcus too? What if that happened before she notices this?
Kevin was woken by the feeling of someone tickling his arm.
“Mom?” he asked, breaking her out of her trance. She looked at him, with tears in her eyes.
“What is this, Kev?” He sighed heavily, shoving his head into his pillow. He knew exactly what she was talking about.
“Nothing,” he mumbled.
“Kevin, what is this?” she persisted.
“Nothing,” he insisted, looking her dead in the eyes.
“Kevin.”
“I’m fine mom.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not lying, mom. I’m fine.” She just gave him a stern look.
“I’m fine,” he insisted, burying his face under his pillow, letting his mom know that he was done with the conversation.
Cori: thank you for making me the happiest woman in the world today. I know you're right next to me but i had to write it down and let you know i'm over the moon. I'm so honored that i'm your wife. So excited to spend the rest of my life with you. Forever and always.
Kevin: I should be the one thanking you. You're my absolute world and marrying you is a dream come true. Thank you for being the greatest gift life has given me.
She is something so rare that there’s no name for it, an absolutely unfrightened woman whose heart never went wrong. And her hunger to give love, her intensity and inner magnetism – it’s all there. And she cannot help any of it.
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