Words words words.

Well this is embarrassing

[keystrokesandpenmarks]

I am trying to find the strength to leave the hope to stay the words to say I miss you, and I'm sorry, and I love you. I am trying to walk forwards backwards anywhere that isn't here that doesn't hurt that wasn't tried before. I am trying to do something, instead of nothing, instead of inaction, speaking louder than words than love than me Trying

I Am Trying

[keystrokesandpenmarks]

I am missing you Everywhere and in everything I am loving you And I am strumming These simple chords C G Am F With this simple pattern Downdown upup downup Thinking how appropriate it all was Because I am missing you And I am loving you And even as I am breaking Down, crying, throat raw Thinking I should finally walk away? I'm yours.

This Is Our Fate

[keystrokesandpenmarks]

I'm waiting at a bus stop that isn't yours for someone who isn't you. She and I have a history that stretches farther than ours, and isn't even half as deep. There's a reason she and I didn't work out but shallow is a water I can bare to swim in when I have been drowning for nearly a year. so maybe I'm a bit scared out of my element I'm sitting at this bus stop that isn't yours half an hour past the scheduled time, she's late. She overslept and insisted on taking a bus and I'm realizing some people never change. Because I hardly recognize who I was freshman year but I know they wouldn't ever be here. Yet here we are, and she is running just as late as she was back then, with just as little of a plan I'm waiting at a bus stop that isn't yours for someone who isn't you. And I tell myself that I can do this, whatever this is. When really I've been drowning for years

I Don’t Remember The Last Time I Went Swimming

[keystrokesandpenmarks]

I’m not sure I believe in fate But if I did, I think you and I Would be the strangest tale of all time Destined to destroy each other, Both of us caring too much and yet Nowhere near enough I do not know how to be your friend Nor you mine, and maybe That is where we’ve gone wrong I think that this is it and that The third time really was the charm We should have never put on bracelets I’m not sure I believe in fate But if I did, I think you and I Would be the nemesis in each other's tales

We Both Deserve Better

[keystrokesandpenmarks]

I want to see you and have it be okay For it to not hurt And I want you to stop trying not to hurt me Because it’s going to hurt And you can’t make this decision for me You can not decide Whether or not I think Our friendship is worth it I wish I was okay with where we are But I know that on some level I am never going to be And I want to find out how to balance that But I can’t if you don’t let me I want to learn how to give people my heart In a way where it doesn’t break. With no expectations from them Just care from me But I can’t because even though I know You’re just my friend Or maybe I’m just yours You’re not really being one Because you’re too worried about me to ask me how I’m doing But that is a stupid excuse And we both know it Just talk to me I want people to trust me When I say That I know what I’m doing That I’m fine Because I don’t know But I am fine I’ll figure it out I always do. My heart has never hardened So I’m holding this sewn together mess And I’m telling you I Promise That this doesn’t make it weak

If You Keep Choosing For Me, I Will Grow To Resent You

[keystrokesandpenmarks]

i'm sorry. i miss you, [i've missed you since the day you left and that's how i know you're right] and i'm sorry. but i don't think i can do This right now [or ever] and i'm sorry because i told you that i understand. [i didn't want to argue but it will always feel like bullshit.] and i do, logically. [because i shouldn't have missed you when we talked daily] but emotionally it..[is killing me. i'm always angry at you now, and i hate it] sucks. and i...can't work it out in my head. [i wanted it to be okay. but you told me you didn't want me to settle, and i wanted to ask you isn't this settling? it shouldn't be. you're wonderful.] and i've tried. God i've tried. [but if you wanted it, and i wanted it, couldn't we have tried? i didn't want to be your everything, i wanted to be your Choice. i understand you don't have the time to make the choice often right now.] but i...don't know how to be your friend right now. [and i'm not sure i ever will] i'm sorry. [but i think i was falling in love with you]

The things I said [and couldn’t] to end it

[keystrokesandpenmarks]

But do you ever wish that life existed through a vintage filter like the old Polaroids or the new ones, trying so hard to be Classic as if technology advanced for nothing But do you ever wish that life existed through a vintage filter snapshots hung on walls or scattered in desks, closed drawers to be forgotten and found again when you've gotten over yourself But do you ever wish that life existed through a vintage filter like the old Polaroids Because they're raw and imperfect, sure but they're real and solid and look, we're together in this one. And it may be blurry, but it's also soft

I’m Gonna Turn It Into Art

[keystrokesandpenmarks]

you have the kind of had, sorry had the kind of smile that lights up anyone's day you study the kind of thing studied, the kind of thing you study when you want to help people and you live the kind of you lived the kind of life you live when you know it's too short and i want you to know your smile brightened up my days and i will miss them all even, no, especially the ones at my expense maybe you never got to help people how you planned but you touched so many people's hearts and you helped every one of them and the way you lived is the greatest reminder of all to stop taking everything so seriously

The Tense of Death Always Hurts

[keystrokesandpenmarks]

I love you I wish that I didn’t I’m sorry, I really am For your sake, if nothing else. Because you love me too In the way an aromantic person can In soft smiles and trust In feeling safe when we’re together And in not wanting to hurt me I don’t regret loving you I know it’d be easier if I didn’t But I’m sorry, I really am For both our sakes, if nothing else Because you don’t know how It’s supposed to feel and I’m not sure I can describe it It’s soft and happy It’s missing you the second you’re gone And it’s almost like how you talk about the ocean I will always love you I’d move on faster if I didn’t And I’m sorry, I really am For my sake, if nothing else Because you care about me If I have to remind myself, “He doesn’t mean it like that.” If I constantly worry about being too much If all we can ever be is friends And if your love isn’t romantic when mine is Well then, that would still be enough

If This Is The Only Way I Can Have You In My Life, Of Course I’ll Take It

[keystrokesandpenmarks]

One of my favorite memories with you was watching Moulin Rouge I wasn’t sure we should It being one of my favorite movies It being a love story And you, Being you But you wanted to watch it, Mostly for young Only One Cannoli And if you can smile through me butchering Stars War on purpose I can smile through you laughing at Moulin Rouge So we watched it And I sang along to the songs And you learned I don’t actually like Queen or David Bowie And it was relaxed and free from worry And I was cuddled into you And I was holding your hand resting on my chest And you pointed at Satine and said “me” And you pointed at Christian and said “you” And well, I didn’t want to say anything But I thought the same thing when we first debated watching it Because I still had the puppy dog hope That you could have believed in a love with me One of my favorite memories with you was watching Moulin Rouge Because towards the end you held my head against your cheek And I looked at you and knew you were trying for my sake So I conceded and told you to go ahead Make fun of one of my favorite movies I swear I would have given anything to stay in that moment forever And the thing that annoyed you the most Plastered the dumbest smile on my face Because really This movie is campy and corny and sure you liked the music But everything about it begged for your annoyance Becase the second I gave you the go ahead “That’s not how tuberculosis works!” Was angrily blurted out And I laughed and laughed and fell further than I knew I could And you went on and on about the impossibility of her singing And well One of my favorite memories with you was watching Moulin Rouge But heres the thing about Satine and Christian You pointed out that Satine had killed him That tuberculosis is highly contagious And if you were Satine and I was Christian Even if I never swept you off your feet in love I had become something you cared for And you had no intention of ever hurting me But of course Neither did Satine And that doesn’t mean you didn’t

Please Tell Me You Don’t Have Tuberculosis

[keystrokesandpenmarks]

You aren’t sure if you believe in God And if you did, you’d hold them in so much contempt Because how could anyone all powerful allow the tragedies we face You aren’t sure if you believe in God But I am. I am sure Of my belief in them and Of my belief in you. And I told you that I don’t have an answer At least, not one that either of us would accept About this God who throws so much at us to endure And I told you that I don’t have an answer But I did tell you about a small boy Who died, around the age I was When I first tried to take my own life And it has to mean something The feelings I can’t understand when I think Back to this boy who I have never met, and never will And it has to mean something The pain that you never meant to make me endure The way I would meet you, given the path we would take Maybe its fate you be another reminder, of who I am. A reminder of what I refuse to become.

It’s alright. All of it. I mean it.

[keystrokesandpenmarks]

In a different life, I swear I could have loved you. and maybe in that different life you could have loved me too. (I might one day yet)

Little Words Series

[keystrokesandpenmarks]

In the last breath to escape his lips Vincent Van Gogh had said "La tristesse durera toujours." "They" tell you that one day Its going to stop hurting. "They" are lying through their teeth. It doesn't stop hurting but if you're lucky, you find something that makes you forget the pain for a little bit. It doesn't stop hurting and if you're unlucky, you had found something that makes your old pain dull in comparison to the fresh new scars

You were my yellow paint

[keystrokesandpenmarks]

Sometimes okay feels Like unsalted pretzels And drugs I don’t do. Sometimes okay feels Like shaky promises And a broken voice Sometimes okay feels Like tentative maybes And unsure answers But when I say we feel Okay? I mean that I didn’t know where we’d go Or that it could be this easy A month, as if it were a day. And I get that it’s not quite the same We’re both on our toes And there are some things I may never get back. But listen Sometimes Okay feels Like hope I almost lost And a small smile Finally returned to my eyes

We didn’t talk for over a month and it was Okay

[keystrokesandpenmarks]

One day I will find a girl who loves me back Maybe she’ll ask about you And when she does, my mind will glaze over While I try-and damn will I fail To keep the feelings out of my face I’ll smile my smallest smile The kind she has only ever seen for her before But different Eyes full of sorrow. One day I will find a girl who loves me back And I will feel guilt over every part of my heart That has already been claimed I will feel guilt over every part of my heart That I can no longer give her.

I Wonder How Much My Heart Can Grow

[keystrokesandpenmarks]

I'm sorry, you know. Well, maybe I'm not. But I am sorry about not being sorry. The truth, the honest to God truth Is that I didn't realize what I was doing Until it was too late for me to stop It was never my intent for this to happen But what does that matter? When knowing everything I do now I'd do it all over again. I'm sorry these are the pieces we were given but I cannot regret solving this puzzle

For what it’s worth

[keystrokesandpenmarks]

It's the little things that have shown me. like how often I look at you and my eyes whenever I do. The way I react to your texts and how I ask you about him It's through the little things that I finally realized and maybe the big things, too. Like how I feel having written this. That is to say, I don't. It's because of these, I know that I am over you. It is one of the cleanest breaks I've ever had for a crush on someone as great as you.

If we’re being honest with each other, it never was supposed to.