Losing their Dad was hard on both my son and daughter, but at first my 10-year-old son suffered the most.
The day Tim died D asked me right out of the box if I was going to get married again. The question floored me, but I didnāt take offense. I knew he was worried about his future and thinking about it already, just as I had. I was honest with him and told him that I was young and yes I would probably marry again, but that it would be a long time because I needed time to grieve his father.
He didnāt like that I said there would probably be someone else in the future, but was relieved it might be just us 3 a while.
My little girl, 7 at the time, seemed to understand as a fellow female that I was now without a partner in life. She even said with such maturity that she and her and brother would grow up some day, and I didnāt need to be all alone. So I figured she would be the most understanding of the two when I started dating.
Fast-forward several months: my two children swapped places.
My son beganĀ to see what it was like for a boy to be without a father. Thatās a tough thing. When we would butt heads during those rough days of fresh grief, he would remind me that his loss was just as big as mine. I had lost my lover and friend, but he had lost the only real father he would ever have. He even said once to me as we were trying to prove who had it worse off, āWho is going to teach me to shave?ā
Maybe thatās when he decided to entertain the idea of having a man in the home again.
I dreaded dating, but I knew I didnāt want to be alone. I actually didnāt date. My future second husband just came into my life at a time I was open to getting to know him, and he was the only one I every ādated.ā
We had a mutual friend, old enough to be my grandfather, that thought a lot of both of us. I was in Lions Club with him and he felt like more of a great-uncle rather than just a fellow Lion. For my future second husband, this man was like a father to him.
Mike was divorced and had been single for years, raising three children alone, and was ready not to be single. But he had not found anyone he was interested in making a future with. In fact, after dating a lot, he had decided not to date at all unless it was someone he could see himself settling down with. He had grown weary of heartbreak and disappointment and decided he would be happier being single rather than being with someone that made him miserable. This no-dating period lasted for three years. Many of his non-single friends thought he was crazy, but now he says it was the best thing he ever did and put him in the right place and frame of mind to meet me.
Our mutual friend asked me if I would be interested in meeting someone only about 5 months after my husband died. I didnāt feel ready to date, and I certainly didnāt think my kids were ready for it. The thought of a string of men coming through my home and into my childrenās lives appalled me. But deep down, I also knew I wanted to share the rest of my life with someone. I wanted to have a friend and a lover beside me.
Iām not sure why exactly I said āyesā to meeting Mike after weeks of thinking about it, but I did. I was so scared the day I was to meet him, I thought I would throw up. It helped that our mutual friend arranged a group dinner with people we both knew so we wouldnāt feel obligated or too awkward.
Mike and I hit it off and later went to the park and talked until dark. After that, we almost never missed an evening of talking on the phone, or let a day go by without texting.
I didnāt expose my kids too much to this relationship at first. We would meet for lunch while they were at school, or on the weekend while they were with a sitter or my family. I wasnāt sure yet how things would go or if it would last. I was trying to protect them from anymore pain. But it didnāt take me long to see that I was going to fall in love with this man.
After that first meeting between him and my children when we all went to watch the Avengers together with one of Mikeās grown sons and his five-year-old granddaughter (Mike has three grown children and 5 grandchildren), my son welcomed the idea of a man in his momās life. My daughter, who had been supportive of the idea at first, rejected the idea of mom in a relationship with a man that wasnāt Daddy.
She cried a couple months later when she found out that I had kissed on this man. My son, who fought the idea in the beginning, thought it was great. Now he would again have someone to teach him to shave, talk to him about dating girls, and shoot guns with. And heās been that way ever since.
As Mike and I became more serious, and my daughter saw how sweet and affectionate he could me, something she was starving for from a father figure, she began to let him in. However, she also seemed very anxious and was having a frequent upset tummy. She seemed to be having trouble knowing how to act and feel around this man.
We went to a doctor, who recognized she might just be having some anxiety and asked us what was going on in our lives. He then told her point blank that as long as this man was a nice man and made her mom happy, it was okay for her to accept him and show him affection. She didnāt need to feel guilty or like she was betraying her Daddy because her dad would want her and her mother and brother to be happy.
After that doctor appointment, she turned that corner quickly and began to allow herself to be herself again. That doctor was a Godsend. Ironically, his name was Dr. Timothy Jones - same first name as my first husband and same last name as my second.
Now here we are - a family. June 1st will make a year of marriage and over two years of togetherness. My children still miss their father, but are happy to have Mike in their lives since their father cannot be. Although there are things to work through as a blended family, and always will be, they are happy and well adjusted kids. And as someone told me, they are happy because Iām happy. Iām now able to give them of myself like I did when their father was around. All my needs are being met, so itās easier for me to meet all of theirs.
Itās not always easy. Being newly-weds with children in tow is a challenge. But I am finding I love my life again. Mike makes me deliriously happy and he treats my children as his own.
I thank God for the work heās done in my life to make this so. Being open to whatever life presents me and not stuck with a certain mindset of how long a widow should grieve or how a young widow with children should act, has made it easier to move forward. I also have had very supportive family and friends help me along the way.
If you are going through something similar and feel ready to move forward, donāt feel guilty. Itās a good thing. If you stay in your grief out of obligation, you are doing yourself no good. Grieve as long as you need, but no longer. Itās no one elseās business how long you should grieve or not grieve. Do what works for you, but donāt be afraid to take a step forward when you are ready.
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