Im Not Shit

23 - Agender Welcome to my Ted Talk full of bullshit cos ✨trauma✨

[khaosbewriting]

I could sit here and say I wish I never met you.

But that would be a lie.

I wish I never loved you as much i did.

No.

I wish I could stop loving you as much as I do.

I wish there could be this better version of you.

I wish you never held my heart.

I wish I didn’t let you drain my every last drop.

I wish I could just go back in time and fix everything that went wrong.

I wish this feeling you left me with will just go away.

Fuck i don’t even know what I’m writing anymore.

I’m so tired of crying over you.

I’m so tired of being hurt by you.

I’m so tired of being misplaced by you.

I’m so tired of being knocked down by you.

I’m so tired of wishing pointless things about you.

I’m so tired of being lost because of you.

I’m so tired of loving you.

But why do I want to crawl back to you?

On my hands and knees begging in such a pitiful way.

Just make it go away.

Take this pain away like you always do.

I don’t want it anymore.

I can’t live without you.

I can’t do this without you.

Why did it have to end up this way?

I want to hate you.

I want to be over you.

I want to move on from you.

But how can I move on from someone who shares my soul?

How can I hate someone who has my heart?

Why did I have to love you so much it hurts?

Why can’t I get you out of my head?

Or my skin?

Or my heart?

Or my life?

What is this you’ve done?

What have I become?

Who am I to become?

What have you made me?

Who was I before this?

I don’t know anymore.

Because you took it all.

You took it all away from me.

And promised me that you’ll love me.

Support me.

Take care of me.

Help me.

And now look at me.

An empty fucking shell lost without you.

Still looking for those broken promises to be mended.

I just want to come home.

And be a team again.

And hear you say those words you never meant.

I love you.

And I say them back and we cuddle.

While you stroke my hair or rub back while I cry yet again at your intolerable act.

But at least then I had you and some piece of me.

Now I have nothing but a fucking sweater wrapped in your scent.

Stained with my tears of heartache and emptiness.

You make me sick.

[khaosbewriting]

love is fickle.

it tickles

then causes prickles.

then it swings down like a sickle

putting you in a pickle.

[theoptia]

H.P. Blavatsky, from The Secret Doctrine

Text ID: The moon is the deity of the mind…

[beeela-deactivated20240501]

[khaosbewriting]

@beeela because I want you to know, from me, personally but couldn’t place it in the comments cos it being a sub-account. 🤦🏾

I saw your poem on my feed as soon as I opened the app. I was getting ready to write a feeling similar lol. Then, I immediately stopped and read your work, your art. And the way I reread it over and over again! It was beautiful! Every single word, line, and piece spoke to me deeply, but that fourth section “you love an echo…” it’s peak, it’s top tier, it made me cry honestly lol. A good cry. But let me stop embarrassing myself lol, I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your art. It was a beautiful poem. 🫶🏾

[khaosbewriting]

Gather around.

Let me share with you my heart.

View the world from my dark lens.

Breathe in the scent of metallic stains that coat the walls of my heart.

And feel the burdensome void, as you lay covered in salt water.

Hush now.

It’s only for a moment,

Sink into the feeling, may it hold you tight like I.

Bring you comfort at night.

Shadow you everyday.

And even take your pain away.

Replace it with a numb, empty feeling.

Loneliness is what he calls it.

[khaosbewriting]

There it is again.

That wild flower that blooms.

That ratchet, tacky flower that seems to only bloom when I’m with you.

The flower that fills my beautiful fields with despair.

Draining the joy, the light from my colorful field.

No matter how much I pick and pull at them, they grow even more…

I succumb to the darkness, watching as they eat my field whole.

Leaving nothing behind, but a thick sadness.

I sit lost in defeat’s embrace, why did I lose the battle today?

Then she whispers, it doesn’t matter anymore these ratchet flowers are here to stay.

Title - Hopelessness

[khaosbewriting]

Title - UGH!

The words cant describe my feelings

As they rage and roar around in me.

Drowning out any sanity.

The only thing said is ugh.

The frustration boils over.

The pain grips my chest.

The anger clouds my brain.

And I trip and stumble over my feelings trying to explain the way they ache.

And I feel ugh.

Dissatisfied with life.

Disgusted with myself.

Indifferent about the person I love with all my heart.

Ugh.

I’m exhausted.

[voidic3ntity]

watching the clock & fixing the time: affairs are in order again.

[emotionalwords]

i want to love u without getting hurt

[sarcastic-mate]

And if this doesnt describe my current situation then I dont know what does!💔

[sarcastic-mate]

And its just me now

[khaosbewriting]

Pure and utter heartbreak…

[serial777killers]

extremely real

[sarcastic-mate]

🖤and finally someone said it out loud🖤

[khaosbewriting]

Regret.

The word that paints the walls of my mind, like the blood that pumps through this body of mine.

The word that seems to reach thousands, millions and always has a different feeling.

But when I hear regret.

I hear you.

I hear the white noise of your love like a tv with no signal.

I hear the sound of banging drums how my heart felt when you entered the room.

I hear the blood rushing from my head to my toes as I tried my best to endure the pain you put me through.

I hear the sounds of the water that fall like the tears I shed over you.

I hear the crickets from the audience that watched me fail with you. Over and over again.

I might as well have cut my tongue out and served it to you on a platter.

No matter how much I shared, you never cared.

No matter how much I showed, you never cared.

My silence was the best gift I could offer you and you liked it, you did.

Just how you liked me whipped.

On my hands and knees.

Crying out for your attention like an underfed kid.

And even now I cry.

I cry for you.

I hope for you.

I wish for you.

I pray for you.

But I regret every single bit and piece of you.

[khaosbewriting]

I sink into the ground below me.

Let the dirt cover me in it’s life.

Water me in your deep affection.

Whisper those tender words of love.

Feed me your soul full of devotion for me.

And watch as I start to grow.

And I grow into a beautiful soul.

[khaosbewriting]

Void of all humanity,

Just floating in deprivation.

While they eat all of my accumulation.

Swallowing every piece of me,

Until I’m nothing but a blank slate.

A bare masterpiece.

[khaosbewriting]

We share a drink.

We share a kiss.

We share our bodies.

We share our past.

We share our feelings.

We share a cigarette.

And when you inhale and exhale,

I see you.

I hear you.

I feel you.

All of your pain, becomes mine.

All of your pleasure, becomes mine.

All of your peace, becomes mine.

And I close my eyes and sink into this feeling.

[voidic3ntity]

these words I write & these wounds which I heal,

through doors & down alleyways, portals & hallways:

all is soaked, the liquid landscape, behind closed eyelids,

effervescence & elegance, secrets of the forgotten realms,

translucent auric union, such is the companionship of spirit;

& within such vast of silent starlight, twilight communication,

lost in transmutation, within these lucid moments of infinity.

[twisted0limbs-deactivated202312]

god i am pathetic

god i wish i could be different

but i crawl to you

whenever i want to feel real again.