Heatwaves are horribles for so many reasons and as a chubby autistic person on meds, i'm barely surviving
Well technically on meds...
Because just being awake is so energy consuming and that can't sleep the days off (i tried), I don't have the energy to take my meds when in normale time it's already a gigantic task because of how awful it taste
It's so bad that I'm am at a point where i'm forcing myself (like really hard) to at least take half my dose of sertraline every other day
So I'm basically switching all day between death and overthinking every moment of my life and spiraling into introspection (particulary on my romantic identity)
Don't get me wrong, introspection is not a bad thing but under 37°C and sleep deprivation, I dont wanna be stuck on analysing the homoerotic friendship that messed me up
Or trying to understand if my strong feelings for some people are rooted in aromantism or autism or both
AND FINALLY I DONT WANT TO THINK ABOUT : how maybe if I was less of a "weirdo" (ableism baby) maybe we would have dated
Maybe she would had no shame in being close to me in front of others
Maybe things would have end up differently
I hate the heatwave and the unmedication because it make me think of her and how part of me still miss her
And i'm afraid i might still love her no matter how shitty she was to me or how horrible of a person she is now
How can I get over a relationship that never really was
How can I forget how I was too much yet not enough
How can I forget us being more than friends but not quite lovers
How can I live knowing that the person I miss and might still love might never have existed ans only be a creation of my mind
I keep on wondering how could things end up like they did
It's almost 2 am and I cant sleep because i'm haunted by the "friendship I had with someone I haven't talked to for 2 years
