angstier than i should be

bi/ace/jewish/mentally ill/sagittarius/vegetarian/absolutely ready to talk too much about all of that

[kidcricket]

week 13 & 14

#85 (6/25/2018)

update on #80

i still can’t drive

but at least i’m allowed to now

#86 (6/26/2018)

sorry i bailed on your birthday

but mother-daughter relationships are complicated

and sometimes i feel like you don’t love me

and the emotional distance between the two of us puts one of us in LA

and the other in New York

#87 (6/27/2018)

once again

i find myself

at the end of the day

with no idea of what just happened

and nothing to write about

#88 (6/28/2018)

i never know what to say after concerts

i spend the evening or the day

hearing someone else’s words

and can’t form my own

#89 (6/29/2018)

not eating

because your stomach hurts

because you’re hungry

is a never ending feedback loop of hating yourself

#90 (6/30/2018)

being away from home just means

that when i dissociate

i have a new background

#91 (7/1/2018)

i like the green ground

i like plants that don’t look like they want you dead

the desert doesn’t have either of those

#92 (7/2/2018)

being in a car for 4 hours

usually doesn’t make me want to puke

except when we’re speeding up the coast

and i’m in the backseat

#93 (7/3/2018)

the ocean is out to get me

not to hurt me

just to hold me

maybe try and heal me

#94 (7/4/2018)

i don’t know

i’m just not totally down

with celebrating the “freedoms”

of a country that’s currently locking up children

#95 (7/5/2018)

i know logically that my family doesn’t hate me

but

GOD

it really fucking feels like they do

#96 (7/6/2018)

i don’t know how i survived

growing up in phoenix

because yesterday it hit 90° in california

and

i

swear

i almost died

#97 (7/7/2018)

silence is eating me alive

the lack of sound is creating a lack of insides

my guts are spilling out and no one is here to hear it

#98 (7/8/2018)

i’m falling out of love

with my hobbies again

and i can’t help it

[kidcricket]

week 12

#78 (6/18/2018)

it really doesn’t take much to send me down a spiral

of anxiety and self-loathing and depression

remember those weird coin funnels? where you’d drop a quarter?

and it would spin

and spin and spin

#79 (6/19/2019)

i haven’t really done anything lately

that includes introspective thought

sorry, i guess

#80 (6/20/2018)

i have my driving test on monday

file under

gays who can’t drive

well

#81 (7/21/2018)

god i’m so nervous

like

having a hard time remembering to breathe

keeping food down

eating

thinking

nervous

#82 (6/22/2018)

nights are for shaking

because it’s hard to remember that

i deserve people in my life

who care about me and love me

and support me and like me

all of the above

not two out of three

#83 (6/23/2018)

things i love number ???

letting my passive nature pressurize

every single stressor

i encounter

until someone shakes

the can and i

e x p l o d e

#84 (6/24/2018)

is it a dick move

to unfollow your friends on instagram

because they’re hotter than you

and your self esteem can’t handle it

right now

...asking for a friend

[kidcricket]

week 11

#71 (6/11/2018)

wishing i was a peter pan shadow of myself

instead of whatever is happening now

because at least then

i could do

something

#72 (6/12/2018)

it’s pretty clear this isn’t about positivity anymore

it’s just a place to scream

but like

a tiny scream

#73 (6/13/2018)

sometimes boring is nice

like lazy sunny afternoons alone

rereading your favorite books

from when you were twelve

#74 (6/14/2018)

other times,

boring is

doctor’s office waiting rooms and your phone ringing when you’re expecting bad news

minutes take years

and dread hangs over everything

#75 (6/15/2018)

i’m isolating myself again

minutes turn to hours

and hours turn to minutes

and i haven’t seen a living person outside of my family in like a week

#76 (6/16/2018)

i don’t think my brother knows

how much he means to everyone in his life

#77 (6/17/2018)

god

i love cats so much

even when they pretend to like you

it still feels good

[kidcricket]

week 10

#64 (6/4/2018)

tonight’s anxiety tastes like ugliness

and the face i see in the mirror

the body i look down at in the shower

while blue hair dye bleeds down the drain

#65 (6/5/2018)

progress is terrifying

i pretend i like change

but that doesn’t change that i’m pretending

#66 (6/6/2018)

i talk a lot of shit on my brother

but i’ll physically fight anyone else who does

i have no problem with severing the ties of 15 years of memories

#67 (6/7/2018)

summer has become a cartoon character

wearing the same shit every day

my phone corrected that to “shirt”

it was still true

#68 (6/8/2018)

there is nothing

i

wouldn’t

do

to feel valued

or like i was truly the center of attention

instead of just trying too hard

#69 (6/9/2018)

i’m losing hold on my friendships

every friend i have is one of a few

balloons in a bouquet

if i let go even a little

they’ll float away

#70 (6/10/2018)

i don’t know where my heart is

so i don’t know if it’s in the right place

or in a dumpster somewhere

doing the bare minimum

and pretending to be doing it’s best

[kidcricket]

week 9

#57 (5/28/2018)

that pressure in my skull

will either make a diamond

or kill me

#58 (5/29/2018)

my geckos’ fat tails

and tiny toes

bring me more joy than like anything else

#59 (5/30/2018)

the other day i

drove down my ex-boyfriend’s street

i tried to look for his house

but time finally erased that shit from my brain

#60 (5/31/2018)

a moment of silence for

the young prairie dog whose

life i cut tragically short

with a car

#61 (6/1/2018)

when i’m bored

my brain can’t handle doing nothing

so it

does

everything

all at once

anyway, i’m just really anxious now

#62 (6/2/2018)

if cartoons really do rot your brain

and my parents and teachers

and grandparents weren’t just lying

then someone should probably order an MRI

just to check on me

#63 (6/3/2018)

if i get one more

“wyd” text at 3 am

i’m

going

to

kill

myself

and every man i know

[kidcricket]

week 8

#50 (5/21/2018)

i’m no stranger to the feeling

of falling far behind

i’m 22 and can’t drive

i’m 22 and a sophomore in college

i’m 22 and ready to be old and tired

#51 (5/22/2018)

what if

at the end of the day

no one is really alone

the space in between is just the variable

#52 (5/23/2018)

laughing is good for a lot

it helps the heart feel lighter

brighter

and eases the tension everywhere else

#53 (5/24/2018)

“are you still doing the things you love?”

no,

they’re expensive

i gained too much weight

i never liked the other people

it’s fine though

#54 (5/25/2018)

can a poem be

an average thought

that i divide with the return button

or do all five senses have to mistake it for

that multicolor knit sweater

i got at walmart last semester?

#55 (5/26/2018)

sleepy eyelids with the clumped together lashes

the single trail of mascara from an allergic reaction

i wasn’t really crying

#56 (5/27/2018)

a first step towards being a real person

fucking terrifying

but exciting

but i’m really bad at being real

[kidcricket]

week 7

#43 (5/14/2018)

stupid boys on tinder

who think their unsolicited dick pics

do anything for me

while i’m getting off to videos of girls

because boys are stupid

#44 (5/15/2018)

the most fun part of anxiety

fun, emphasized, in quotation marks, fun

is the bitter little creature that lives on top of my stomach

and tears everything apart

#45 (5/16/2018)

empty is relative

it’s really a black hole

more implosion than anything else

#46 (5/17/2018)

i love

love

i love

love

#47 (5/18/2018)

internalizing every tiny thing isn’t healthy

bubbly by bubble

the pressure builds

and maybe i’m one fall away from exploding

#48 (5/19/2018)

in the hypothetical

olympic sport

of being happy

there were only 12 other competitors

and i still placed tenth

#49 (5/20/2018)

“you’re in a good mood today”

i’m usually in a good mood

you’re usually just too busy trying to kill it

to notice it at all

[kidcricket]

week 6

#36 (5/7/2018)

i think mellie might like

being the center of attention

more than i do

#37 (5/8/2018)

it’s been a while since i’ve thought about

dying in a concrete sense

i thought i could be happy forever

#38 (5/9/2018)

the end of the semester feels like it’s own infinity

come back in three months when i complain about how short summer was

#39 (5/10/2018)

i used to think i thrived in chaos

now i know i’m full of shit

#40 (5/11/2018)

a summer of

doing absolutely nothing

is going to be so bad

for my body and brain

#41 (5/12/2018)

it’s hard to be sure

if i like someone

for who they are

or for their distance from me

#42 (5/13/2018)

three days since i came home

i’m already so so bored

so so ready to do something

[kidcricket]

week 5

#29 (4/30/2018)

i don’t know if i’ve ever been this tired

maybe i’ll sleep again someday

#30 (5/1/2018)

me and the rain could be friends if we talked

we’re both loud and can be kind of intense

#31 (5/2/2018)

i can talk to everyone

be champagne if i need to be

get others talking

and still love myself

#32 (5/3/2018)

sometimes i’m so bad at talking to people

i want to curl up in a ball

and scream about every conversation

but it’s just room for improvement

#33 (5/4/2018)

i think that crying in movie theaters may become my new personal brand

#34 (5/5/2018)

forgetting that i exist in other people’s lives is something i do a lot

so when friends call asking for help

i’m always shocked

#35 (5/6/2018)

once again, i feel like i flutter through peoples lives

never stopping long enough to actually matter

[kidcricket]

week 4

#22 (4/24/2018)

hands in my pockets

pockets full of leaves and sticks and stones

mementos from this life and the next one

reminders to be kind

#23 (4/25/2018)

today i talked

like really talked

to people i’ve had class with all semester

how fucking weird is that?

#24 (4/26/2018)

i have never craved to be made

of pure sunlight as much as i did today

i think my freckles are a good start

but i want the same warmth

#25 (4/27/2018)

my heart is trying to burst from my chest

i think it’s okay to break the bars of the cage

to share your light with the world

#26 (4/28/2018)

the reason it’s life-changing when a woman

talks about her body in a positive light

is because it can literally change a life

#27 (4/29/2018)

i want to feel like this forever

take the knowledge that every moment and every thing is significant and bigger than me

use it to change the world for the better because i know i can

the world is glowing because she knows that i know her secret

that she loves every one of us and doesn’t like to play favorites but tonight i was

#28 (4/30/2018)

somehow i already lost it

i guess i need to find my next emotional high

to last me a few months

[kidcricket]

week 3

#15 (4/17/2018)

i don’t know why i procrastinate these

it’s not that they’re unpleasant

or particularly difficult

i actually enjoy them

#16 (4/18/2018)

i wish i could heart eye emoji at the sky

it deserves it

like, just look at it!

😍

#17 (4/19/2018)

i haven’t had impending-travel insomnia in years

i love to be somewhere new

usually the thought of change helps me sleep better

so why is tonight different?

#18 (4/20/2018)

i spent most of the day in a car and my body doesn’t feel like mine

tomorrow is exciting

but at what cost?

#19 (4/21/2018)

do you ever do something so stupid

for the stupidest reason

and then have that thing be totally worth it

#20 (4/22/2018)

today i became

acutely

aware

of the shape of the earth

and the weight of the air

#21 (4/23/2018)

today i stopped to move 4

caterpillars across the sidewalk

i have this fear that i did more harm than good

but i gotta believe i made a difference in their little worlds

[kidcricket]

week 2

#8 (4/10/2018)

did i really exist today?

i’m not sure

i don’t remember my walk home

but i think the trees looked nice

#9 (4/11/2018)

if we’re still being positive

i think the emptiness just means there’s more room for good

#10 (4/12/2018)

today when the wind picked up

i wondered (hoped?) that it would do the same to me

i’ve been restless and i need to be

elsewhere

#11 (4/13/2018)

feeling confident in sweatpants doesn’t seem like a big deal

or a milestone at all

until suddenly you are

and you’re checking out your own ass

and feeling good

#12 (4/14/2018)

i would like to correct some of yesterday

the sweatpants don’t look as good on day 2

still not bad, though

#13 (4/15/2018)

if i had to rank them

i’d say that asking questions i don’t actually want the answer to

is my 3rd favorite self-destructive activity

i can pretend it’s a desire to change

instead of a desire to have reasons to isolate the people i love

#14 (4/16/2018)

tinder isn’t just for hookups, mom

it’s for the validation i crave

because i can count on one hand the number of times you’ve been actually proud of me——

i just like being told i’m cute, i guess

[kidcricket]

Week 1

#1 (4/3/2018)

I like the way pine trees smell

but it’s not fair that we’re the last ones to figure out how to write poetry for noses

#2 (4/4/2018)

i used to love cloudy days,

but now that i’m doing this, clouds just get in the way of the sun

i don’t think this is a metaphor

#3 (4/5/2018)

my head is floating like a balloon!

my heart is living under my sternum and trying to get out!

my limbs are noodles and i’m in love with the air!

i feel immortal today!

#4 (4/6/2018)

The good news is that i saw three lizards today

the bad news is that i don’t know how to string together my words in a way that i want to wear

#5 (4/7/2018)

my body feels 40 pounds heavier today

but my heart feels 40 pounds lighter

#6 (4/8/2018)

if i could watch boy meets world forever, i would

but people grow up and shows end

and girl meets world is good

but it’s not the same

nothing stays the same

#7 (4/9/2018)

i saw two dead bugs on my walk to school today

and i thought about bug funerals

and how their little bug bodies are going to feed the earth

[kidcricket]

flowers grow from my eyes and

stars get caught in my curls

i will be the universe to someone

every step i take will be a planet

not all of them will be strong enough for life

but some will

and the children on my planets will dance

and they will scream and play

and cry sometimes,

but that’s okay

the universe can be a scary place

but she still loves you

[kidcricket]

just like a note i found on my phone

i am more than the sum of my parts

(what?)

I AM MORE THAN THE SUM OF MY PARTS

[kidcricket]

i want to feel the sun

eyes closed, late spring

i just want to be warm,

but sometimes my insides are frozen

humans are mostly water

and everyone knows ice is one drop away from broken

[kidcricket]

v unfinished, just typed in my phone notes. will delete later if i finish it?

tell me what I need to hear not just the obvious "you're loved" "you're valid" "you'll be okay" because i need to hear those, but i need to hear the specific, too "even though your mental illness is kind of a dick, i still love you." "even though you sometimes turn into a living corpse, i still want you around." "even though you repeat things, i understand that that is part of being a person, and i still want to talk to you." i need to hear a lot of things "you're moving through life at a different pace, you're not falling behind, you're just getting there in your own time." "sometimes the better route for you is the longer one." get to the new day by burning through the night. i need to be reminded a lot "even though i haven't heard from you in a few days, i still care about you." "even though you are isolating yourself, we're still friends." "even though you can be kind of intense, you're still cool."