Be present.
They asked where she wanted to be when she was 30, and her answer was lost in a daydream filled of aspirations. Now that 30 is upon her she looks around and knows she is right where she was suppose to be.
The last few years of my twenties flew by, but they were full. Sure I wasted minutes crying over things that weren’t worth it. My heart has ached for lost love, but the adventures I’ve had, the people that have come and gone from my life, I have accomplished so much. I have grown even more.
I have a fairytale for every love I have lost in my life and there has been many, I have loved more than most do in a lifetime in my 30 years + each one as important as the next. All beautiful in their own right, at one time or another they made my heart race and I spilled tears for all of them when our chapter was over.
Lost love is a huge part of making a person who they are, you learn a lot about yourself. What you will tolerate, what you would do for someone, and the dangers that go with that. You can deny yourself so much, and put yourself through a huge amount of pain, love changes you in its own way.
Sometimes you think about your big loves. I have had 4 in my life and I dont count my first love as one of my big loves, maybe because too much has happened now, the first time I loved was that crazy unconditional love where you think you'll walk to the ends of the earth, your a 16 year old and your feelings become everything because before that you never knew what it was to have something so big. Ha, now I’m 30 I know my family is my big love which only keeps growing with me planing to add to it myself.
The girl I count as my first big love was crazy, unpredictable, wild. She was fun but out of control. There didn’t seem to be a limit and she pushed all the boundaries. I gave my all until I knew I was growing dark and had to let go. All the reasons a sane person would end their relationship she did, lied, cheated, disappeared for weeks, stole from me, I know you read this rap sheet and think why would you stay. I don’t know, I believed I was the one who kept her grounded, that she needed me, then it was pride, then it was I had invested too much. Leaving was the best thing I ever did for myself. I still believe that to this day.
The second of my big loves was who I believed at the time to be my true love. We were so young and I had never felt as happy with anyone as I did in those first few months with her. We were inseparable, we were passionate, she was my whole world and everything in it. In our first year things happened outside of our control that changed us forever. We didn’t know how to deal with that type of hurt. I died inside, but we tried to stay together. I think being around me seeing my pain hurt in the end we had to let go of that dream.
My third big love was a girl I loved to be around, everything made sense, we had a plan to run away together, after spending so long trying to learn how to just be again she was there, she lit me up. I would steal moments with her and I was happy, I saw a future and wanted to take her hand and tell her to jump. Before I got the words out she was gone. I didn’t fight for her. I can never fight for someone who doesn’t want me. If we love each other then I can work through absolutely anything else if we are both willing, but the minute someone says they don’t want to try with me or don’t feel the way I do, it’s time to go.
My fourth will be my last. That big love that takes you to forever. x
I spent the last years of my 20s with her, I traveled the world. I won copious amounts of prizes #bornlucky I went to New York city, by far my favorite place on earth. It’s true what they say, it has a vibrancy, an energy you want to stay up all night. I walked for miles, I went up-state, I caught the subway, I watched the Mets win in 14 innings, I saw lady liberty in the flesh, I saw finding neverland on broadway, ground zero, and every second was accounted for, we never wasted any of them #newyorkminute. we met people, it was the greatest trip of my life. Thank you to Jade, my kidsister who was there every step of the way.
I also went to LA, Las Vegas, San Fran. I went to Disneyland and fulfilled a childhood dream, the happiest place on earth. I have been so blessed in my life to be able to go the places I have been, to grab onto the opportunities and always have enough.
Last December I celebrated my 30th birthday, I said a speech and finished by singing Maroon 5 Sunday morning, looking back I know I’m where I am suppose to be. Time wont stop for anyone so we have to live in today, the more we plan ahead the faster we count down the days in between and they are only necessary to reach that next mile stone.