My name is Pri, I was born in ‘01. My preferred pronouns are she/her. usa.
about my writing ~
I’m a multistan but I prefer writing stray kids content at the moment. I like to try different genres of writing. Currently trying to finish my ongoing stories before starting anymore (I say that but I tend to skip over stories I haven’t finished lol)
where i am ~
@supernovanetwork
🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍
SKZ MASTERLIST
BTS MASTERLIST - WILL BE UNDER CONSTRUCTION SOON 🚧
Inheriting the crown of blood puts Jeongin at odds with a new member of his court. Her lack of understanding of his nation puts her at odds with matters of the heart. It is up to the two of them to stay true to a promise made long ago, despite their world crashing in around them.
~
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Other parts will be linked in the master list above!
About: Jeongin x F!Reader (and some love triangles among the way.) enemies to lovers, royalty au!, romantacy, forced marriage, unrequited love
Warnings: Angst (lots of it), implied smut, idk lmk
Word Count: 2.7k
⭐︎ ⭐︎ ⭐︎ ⭐︎ ⭐︎
~
Her destiny had been laid out long ago, a story written with an ink made of pine soot and charcoal, on a paper made from barberry bark.
It may have been in preparation for war, whispers from the elder council, or a prophecy of a magic wielder long ago. Regardless of why, what’s done is done. A seal bound in blood by the king of Rexerum and the king of the new empire of Eldoria, binding their future brethren to one another to unite the South and the West.
It was the only way to ensure an alliance before whispers of the war began, back when there were a couple of paranoid citizens of the East claiming corruption between borders. Upon a time in which magic wielders saw fire and ash consuming half of the continent, but were seen as paranoid witches inciting panic amongst the people.
The two kings wanted to ensure a united front. It was too early for the genesis of Eldoria though, the country had not yet risen enough. It stood above most kingdoms in the West, but not enough for Rexerum.
“It’s too soon.” Said the kings of old, setting their future generations up for greatness and prosperity. Ensuring the longevity for both kingdoms, one made of fortified stone, a military powerhouse, full of defenses and ready for war. The other, a blossoming nation, not yet tainted by death and combat, Eldoria was a Kingdom that arose quietly and mysteriously. By the time other countries wondered about the country, whether to form alliances or rivalries, the Kingdom of Thorns had become as established as Rexerum.
In spite of its mightiness, or perhaps due to it, Eldoria had closed its doors to foreign ambassadors and military presence alike. All but to one other Kingdom, the Stronghold, Rexerum.
Though many wondered, yet no one dared to ask, the two countries became a bridge between the South and the West. A threat to opposing kingdoms and foes.
Despite their unexpected association, the remaining nations remained silent in favor of the Kingdom of Thorns. The strange kingdom that became too powerful too fast, associated only with a high standing power like the Stronghold, and benevolent enough to allow refugees from different nations and kingdoms who may have been in desperate need of relocating from their country of origin.
The order was twenty five.
It was ordained that the Crowned ruler of Rexerum and the Crowned ruler of Eldoria, born of the royal lines after the making of that covenant, should be joined in holy matrimony upon each attaining the age of twenty five years.
The final seal of alliance.
Knowing well the weight of crowns and the turning of years, this contract was set down to endure across three generations, so that the union might come not in haste, but in ripeness, when both kingdoms should stand prepared, politically, militarily, and in the will of their peoples—to become one sovereign realm.
Thus, no heir nor council shall set aside this covenant lightly, for it was wrought with the consent of kings yet unborn and for the peace of ages yet to dawn.
Only a few people could say that they’d laid eyes on the original text. Only once the ultimate rulers of each respective country provided the proper heirs, one male and one female, they’d be bestowed the honor of taking passage through the underground catacombs that intertwined between the two nations. A labyrinth, but it is said that once the requirements were met a being that no one could speak of would lead their way to a hidden passage that would then make way to a courtroom that only two dozen people had had the honor to witness.
No one could speak of their passage afterwards. A two month journey that they’d sworn never to speak of because they were the chosen ones. Only those allowed by god, not man, could bear such a prestigious favor.
She had not seen it yet, but one day she would. As the eldest of six girls and one boy, she knew she’d have the honor of seeing the faraway fantasy maze one day.
Still, her curiosity did not cease despite the promise of a distant reward. She’d asked everyone with ears that would listen. Her nursemaid had smiled as she brushed the hair on her small head and softly said, “You know as much as I do little bird.” Her linguistics instructor told her in a language she was barely beginning to grasp something among the lines of, “Mind your business.” Or perhaps, “None of my business.” But her parents would always look at her and smile. A knowing smile because they knew something she didn't, and then they’d go about their day as if her question was nothing at all.
On her fifth birthday she received a letter. The letter had a foreign seal she’d never seen before, it was a deep burgundy with a crown of five points, and two griffins on either side. She had thought it silly at the time. Why combine a lion and a bird? She laughed despite the wild herd of manticores living in her own kingdom’s mountains. What a crazy concept, lions can’t fly. That’s what pegasus's are for.
“I am Jeongin, crowned prince of Rexerum. What is your name?”
11 words.
A waste of paper really, to travel ten words over miles and miles of sea.
“May this union be one like the love stories of old.”
11 words.
Two kids with the world at their hands would continue to write to one another in this way for quite a while, until politics and the weight of the world dawned on them at once.
At the age of ten, the prince who was 2 years her elder, sent a gift along with his letter. A simple golden locket. It paled in comparison to her other jewelry, all made in her kingdom. Her own shone with enchantments and jewels, protections and spells, but the simplicity amazed her; A heart shaped locket made of gold. When she dug her thumb nail into the gap on the side of the heart, she snapped it open, both sides of the locket were empty, presumably for her to fill later.
She wore it every day beneath the ruffles of her dresses, beneath the intricate necklaces and jewels that always adorned her.
At the age of fifteen everything felt real. Her future departure, her future reign, and her future life. The royal family of Eldoria received a painting of the Rexrum five. The high King in all of his glory wearing their kingdom’s black, red , and golds. The crown atop of his head was heavy, the weight was unknown, but the aura it carried, on an intricate painting, drew the eye like a hypnosis. The Queen, beautifully refined, stood at the King’s left. Sitting in front of them were three younger sovereigns.
On the left, sat a beautiful woman in a red gown, her features were soft with auburn hair cascading down her back in a plump braid. On the right, a young child sat, smiling unlike the rest of the serious family, his black royal tunic disheveled and untucked, it was probably a hassle to get the young prince to sit for the painting as long as he may have stood. In the center, in a black military uniform, aligned with golden badges and sashes, sat the crowned prince in all of glory. His fox-like features resting in a calm stare, almost as if he could see her. She traced her delicate fingers over his image, now hanging on the Great Hall, like a trophy for the alliance to come.
Every letter was a promise of the future, she’d saved them all through the years. Every month, without fail, a letter would arrive in her name. Some were short, and others divulged in stories of a foreign land. A land that was beautiful but strict, safety was their priority. That’s what Jeongin wrote. As the leading kingdom of the South, they were always on edge, he said it’s due to the East coast being so close to their own. Terrifyingly exhilarating, as a young man who entered the military at the age of 15, this is what he was drilled to do. A young prince forged to conquer.
She’d in turn told him of her magical lands, of the creatures that roam in the night and the wonders that occurred during the day. She told him of her people, of the refugees, now living and blending with her culture. Colored the pages of the castle, and crown, all of the glimmer floating in the air. Things that shouldn’t be possible to explain, but she wrote them regardless.
She had been nineteen when the last letter arrived. Everyone in the castle moved around quickly and hastily, as if their mood matched the one of the letter.
The letter had been short, unlike most of the ones before.
“To the High Princess of Eldoria,
My father, the King of the Stronghold, was taken from this world three nights past this letter being written, and his soul is now commended to the Heavens. By his passing, the weight of the crown has fallen upon me, heavier and swifter than any man might wish.
You and I were bound by solemn accord through the elder counsel, though we have not yet stood face to face. That agreement was made in expectation of time, time that is now denied to us. The realm stands at a threshold, and many eyes are turned toward it, measuring its strength. It is therefore necessary, for the peace of my military forces and the honoring of our alliance, that our union be made known to foreign nations sooner rather than later.
I must ask you, with all due reverence, to set forth for my country at the earliest hour that is safe and fitting. What was once planned for a later season must now be brought forward, for I cannot ascend the throne alone when our bond was sworn to stand beside it. Your presence will silence doubt, steady the nobles, and fulfill the promise made between our houses.
I know well that this summons comes from a man merely a stranger to you, and under the shadow of mourning besides. Yet I give you my word, as prince and as future husband, that you shall be received with all honor owed to your rank and with the respect due to the lady who will share my crown.
My men who now reside in your country shall see your safe passage home.
Written by my own hand,in the first days of my reign,
Yang Jeongin,Prince and King-in-waiting”
Home.
~
She ran out of her chambers, through the marble flooring lining the halls, in search for her parents. Past their bed chamber and chapel, past the libraries and the grand throne room, only to find them with guests in their gardens’ greenhouse.
Even the great vines stood at attention.
“I have to take the next ship to Rexerum.”
Her father’s chalice made a loud clunk against the table, as her mother stood and began walking towards her, now ignoring their guests who were now being led away by the queen’s ladies.
“What is this you speak of my child?” Her father was right behind her, a shade too pale for normality.
The princess stood as tall as she willed herself, straightening her casual gown as unnoticeably as she could in front of her parents. “The King of Rexerum has passed, and the Prince is requesting my immediate audience.” She shoved the letter to her mothers cold hands, they began to shake.
“You can’t. No not yet.” The Queen turned to look at her husband who gaped at the pair, his usually domineering demeanor floating above his head, as if escaping him somehow.
“This… We can’t allow this.” She interrupted him, “But father-” “But nothing child! You do not understand what is at stake here.” She wanted to argue with his booming voice, wanted to remind him that she was no longer a child, but a queen to be. He was walking away before she could speak a word. “I need to speak with the royal council.”
Her mother held her hand with such a grip that would probably bruise, leaving words left unsaid, hoping the her touch would be enough, because it had to be. For now.
~
She was only allowed to pack two chests for her journey at sea. Her servants had been ordered to pack some of her finest jewelry, the enchanted ones and shiniest ones alike. She requested her fanciest gowns and simplest ones, based on Jeongin’s previous letters, it seems that fashion is not prevalent. Maybe she should look through her father’s swords to appear a bit more impressive.
Her mother and father stood in front of her army, a farewell to the eldest Princess. Most of the court was present for her departure, most wearing a blank expressions aside from those that had their heads facing the ground. Her siblings had bid their goodbyes at the castle, most too young to understand that she might not be back anytime soon. Her sister closest in age had tears brimming her eyes, but she knew the responsibilities of her elder sister, just as much as she knew her own, and her burden to rule Eldoria one day not too far in the future.
Much to their dismay, the Princess had not been able to speak with her parents since the arrival of the Princes’ letter, they felt as if they were worlds apart.
Her mother, dressed in a stunning black dress with blue accenting, stood before her. Her pure silver crown adorned her head, shining with the diamonds and sapphires that encrusted in the piece. The protection spells on the head piece made it hard to stare at for long, only admirable from a distance. Her mother’s face was grave, probably with a mother’s grief of having to let her eldest child leave the nest. The queen held her hands, eyes glinting with a millions things she wanted to tell her daughter.
Instead, she hugged her and held her as close as possible. She put her mouth close to hear ear and whispered so quietly so that no one else could hear, “Do not speak of the land. Do not speak at all until you visit the catacombs.” And just like that her mom stepped away from her, smiling as if she had not said the words.
Almost awestruck, the Princess looked at her father for guidance. He stepped forward in his military uniform branded in the colors of Eldoria. He extended his right arm out without breaking eye contact with his daughter. His second in command, handed him Luminara, his own mother’s sword. The gorgeous blade glinted with the blazing sun, reflecting silvers and sapphires like her mother’s crown, it was probably enchanted beyond belief. The sword probably had powers that had not been used in over 60 years.
The King stared into his daughter’s face and got on one knee, presenting Luminara to her while still holding her gaze, “My daughter, you shall now be a warrior, a strategist, and a Queen.” Her knees felt weak, giving out beneath her, she looked up at his father once more. He grabbed her right hand with his left and forced her to hold the silver hilt. The blade pointed at the ground as he let go of the sword.
He held her face, her tears running over his fingers. He forced her up and held her close, his mouth moving as if he couldn’t quite form the words. Through gritted teeth he managed, “You have to be careful. Do not trust anyone.” She felt her face pale, confusion weighing her down.
One of Rexerum’s King’s guards grabbed her elbow and motioned towards the ship.
Though her limbs felt heavy, she followed.
Once in the ship, she stood on the deck, staring out at her parents. The sword weighed a ton in her hands though it rested on the wooden floor. Their faces were blank, aside from their tears which matched her own. She wished she would’ve asked more questions but now it was too late.
So instead of looking ahead towards her new future. She looked at her lands, as the wind picked up blowing her hair and gown, she remained. Staring at Eldoria until it was dark and it was nothing but a far away speck, almost shining like a star at sea.
Do you recognize this story? That may be because I am rewriting an unfinished story of mine, Let The World Burn. It is dead, but I am rewriting it to make it better and longer. Hopefully you'll give this story a try!
The Kingdom of Rexerum is referred to as a powerhouse by every kingdom of the South, it is an empire that should be revered and respected, just as much as it should be feared by all of those who so much as speak of its name.
The golden nation built its glory on a crown tainted by the blood of anyone who defied it, the throne became a shrine of bone made by generations of corruption and absolute rule.
Every king carried the will of the last, whether it was nature or nurture, or a curse held since the beginning of time reserved for anyone who held the red crown, no one knew.
The only absolute truth was that the King was dead.
Now, the young feared Prince was to take his place. Ascending to the throne with a new alliance forged before his father’s father was born, by a different king, under an agenda unbeknown to him and his court.
Despite the whereabouts of his shriveled blackened heart.
In the end, it is the alliance between the powerhouse of the South and the leading empire of the West that will determine peace between nations, the fate of its rulers, the livelihood of their people, and the outcome of an upcoming war.
Now it is up the new rulers of Rexerum to decide what to do with an oath that binds them by blood.
Do you recognize this story? That may be because I am rewriting an unfinished story of mine, Let The World Burn. It is dead, but I am rewriting it to make it better and longer. Hopefully you'll give this story a try!
marked by contemptuous or cocky boldness or disregard of others : INSOLENT
-
He never needed anyone, never has and never will. At least that’s how his schoolmates describe him. Kim Seungmin has been the college it boy the second he set a foot on campus. People either love him or hate him, y/n happened to fall in the ladder.
So of course, as fate would have it, they get paired together for their senior thesis. Just when she thought her life couldn’t get any more stressful, she now has to work with the rich, entitled guy who always had everything handed to him on a silver platter.
The alternative ending isn’t finished 😅 I’ve been working on other projects for a bit. I hope to finish this at some point @peskybirdysya I have the other route written out - so it exists - lol. But I thank you so much for taking the time to read my story :) just have to get around to finish it myself 🩵
If you read my SMAU’s by any chance, I wanted to wrap up at least one of them as soon as possible, if you care - which one should I wrap up before 2024 ends?
~ Hard To Catch - Strike One can be a stand alone - this is Seungmin's POV ~
The term Strike Two comes from baseball, where a batter is allowed Three Strikes at a fairly pitched ball before being called out; thus, a batter with two strikes has but one more chance to hit a fair ball.
~ please read the warnings. ~
~ TW
Warnings: ANGST w a happy ending, depression, explicit injuries, self harm, anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, SUICIDE ATTEMPT!TW (PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS IF IT MAY BE TRIGGERING), if this would affect you in anyway, please steer clear and stay safe. Put your mental health first! lmk if i missed anything!
A/N: Strike one can be a stand alone, but i really wanted to explore Seungmin's little depressive era, and I may make a Strike Three as an epilogue lol. THIS IS NOT A STAND ALONE THIS IS AN ADDITION TO THE FIRST PART BUT IT IS NOT NECESSARY.
Word count: 8.2k
~ TW
Choosing to walk away from your door was difficult. He wanted to knock again but at the end of the day, he knew better. He is Kim Seungmin after all. It felt odd for him to knock on your door after facing rejection. He was practically used to it from you at this point. However, walking away from your building, his brain started going in millions of different directions. That was very unlike him, but getting close to the end of the year, he began to get worried.
Was he genuinely beating a dead horse? Were you never going to see him in the way that he sees you?? A part of him feels as if he should respect your wishes but at the same time, Seungmin wasn't accustomed to losing. Ever.
Maybe by graduation he could accept the fact that you would never see him in the same way that he sees you, but he didn't want to. A part of him felt as if you cared for him too.
When he was halfway to his dorm, he got a bad feeling, but he passed it as the rejection you had just given him, which made his heart ache, it did not make sense to him. He had always been genuine with you, always trustworthy, and always there for you. He spoke of you in the highest regard. To him, you were everything. Would you never love him back? Or at least give him a chance to prove himself to you?
He’d never pressure you to anything. Which is why he kept all of his despair from your rejections, hidden and masked from everyone.
Although he was lost in his thoughts, he heard footsteps approaching him. They were fast, so much so, that before he could fully turn around, both of his arms were being held by two people, one on each side.
Panic obviously set in. His thoughts stopped, and his fight or flight instinct set in. It was hard to put up a fight when a bunch of men were around him. He wasn't sure of how many, but it was definitely more than five against one.
Despite his disadvantage, Seungmin still managed to free one of his arms. With his right fist, he was able to make contact with the chin of one of the men. In retaliation, they held him back once again, and the same guy that Seungmin managed to land a punch on, returned the favor by landing a hit near his eye.
After recovering from the hit, Seungmin tried to open his eye, only to be met by complete darkness. The guy that had hit him managed to hit him with enough force to break the skin above his eye, causing the blood to pool through his vision . Had the guy aimed a bit lower, Seungmin’s actual eyeball could’ve been seriously hurt.
It would only get worse from there.
The next thing he knew, a sharp pain came to his left leg. He heard his bones breaking before he could actually feel them. That caused him to drop to one knee.
He heard laughs and rambling but his brain focused on the pain coming from the rest of his body. They were restless. Anytime he would try to look up or stand, another hit would land on his gut, or someone would step on his broken knee.
Once he fully dropped to the ground, he felt someone step on his wrist, the pain was so intense that he was scared his skin and bone would rip from the impact. At that point, he was too confused to understand the situation, all he knew was that he was supposed to leave. Sadly, the people that were holding him down had different plans.
Next thing he knew, one of the guys that was holding his arm, brought his arm up and kneed his elbow so that his elbow would fold backwards; that was a pain that he never imagined he would feel.
The punches and kicks didn’t stop. They were mocking him. Whoever they were, they wanted to make sure Seungmin wouldn’t be able to get back up.
He wondered what would have happened if he had never gone to visit you. He would have probably practiced for the upcoming game with the guys. Instead, his thoughts were racing back to when he was with you.
As the group left him blue and bloody, all he could think about was you. It all led to you.
He stared at the stars above. The sky was clear, but to him he could only see the blurs up above.
He wondered if he would die. How ironic. After all, you'd end up being the death of him. That wasn't true though, but he had no one else to blame. So he chose that the person at fault would be you. After all, if it wasn't for you, he wouldn't have been walking home this late on his own.
It's irrational, but as his vision began to fade from all the hits to the head he'd gotten, all he could think of was your smile. How you laughed when he picked you up in the baseball field after you enjoyed his passion with him. His last thoughts before he lost consciousness were of your rejection. You dismissing him like you'd done before.
He felt stupid.
He hoped that he wouldn't wake back up.
~
When he finally opened his one functioning eye, he automatically closed it again in response to the fluorescent lights.
"Min." It was Chan's voice.
"It'll be okay man. We are all here for you." Of course it would be Chan as the guiding voice. That alone, made Seungmin concerned. His brain seemed to block off the night before, it was like trying to catch up to something he wasn’t there for. All he knew is that he wanted to get up, he wanted to move and inspect his surroundings, but he couldn't even achieve that. It was confusing to him.
"Y/N is on her way." That name. Your name. He fought his fuzzy thoughts to remember why your name mattered so much at the moment.
"No" It was barely audible, but that's all he could manage to say after just waking up.
"Hey guys, the doctor is here." That was Minho's voice, Seungmin could tell, even thought he couldn't even see him yet.
He heard a couple of footsteps. He couldn't quite understand the situation yet, but he assumed that the guys were making space for said doctor.
For a second he wondered why a doctor would be relevant in the situation but then his mind started racing once again.
"Hey Seungmin, how are you doing?"
He didn't open his eye.
"Seungmin, I'm your doctor. My name is Dr. Jae-Soo Hun. I'm here to help you. Can you hear me?"
At the question, Seungmin tried his best to open one eye to show the doctor that he was conscious, which was very difficult considering how many painkillers he was under, which probably didn’t help the slowness of his brain at that moment. Once again, Seungmin managed to open his eye because after all, he was still the best at everything.
"Doctor?" Was all he could muster.
"We have taken your vitals. You have no damage to any of your vital organs and it looks like you'll recover like a champ in that regard." Champ. Seungmin had always been a champ. He knew that. "However, you did take some serious hits." That made it click. He finally remembered that after he left your place, he was caught by surprise and beaten. The doctor’s words made Seungmin want to chuckle at the understatement, but he didn't have enough energy to do so.
"What..." He took a heavy breath, "What does that mean?"
The doctor sighed and responded, "It means that you are very strong, but a full recovery will almost seem impossible based on what your X-ray exams tell us. However,-"
"However?! Is that not enough?" It was Changbin to butt in. The doctor didn't take him into account though, he kept on explaining.
"That means that you should have died. You're lucky to be with us right now." Seungmin’s first thought was that the doctor was being a bit dramatic. Sure, he was jumped but it couldn’t have been that big of a deal. Right? He’d recover just like he’d recovered from previous injuries in his past. At least that’s what was running through his brain.
"I'll be okay for the upcoming game right?” He looked at his teammates, but the guys, wearing somber expressions, were looking at ground, unwilling to make eye contact.
"Kim Seungmin, it’s a miracle that you’re alive right now. You suffered enough blood loss to have permanent brain damage in the best case scenario. Based on the damage caused by the assault, one wrong hit would have killed you on the spot.” The doctor stood tall. Making his point clear.
"Does that mean I can't play the next game?” To him, what the doctor was saying were just words. There is no way that the perfect Kim Seungmin would ever miss a game. Everyone knew that it was on Seungmin to lead the team to the finals, but no one anticipated what was to come.
"I apologize Mr. Kim, but your right wrist is shattered, and so is your elbow."
Seungmin immediately became clear headed at the doctors words. His right arm? That meant that he couldn't throw a ball, he couldn’t bat, and that he couldn’t catch. Dread fell heavy on his chest, his breathing halted as he actually took in reality.
The doctor continued, "Your left knee is also broken, and you spine took a bit of damage as well.”
"Okay so I can skip one game," He could recover right? It would take some time, but he is sure that he would be fine for the last game of the season. “But I can come back this year right?”
Unfortunately, the doctor looks at him grimly.
"Mr. Kim. I am afraid that you will have to leave your baseball career behind in order to prioritize your recovery." Seungmin couldn’t see, but Jeongin turns his back from the doctor to cry at the wall. Chan holds Felix’s shoulder as the pair try their best to not breakdown as well. Changbin looks as if he’s about to commit murder, and the rest of the guys are still looking at floor, trying to keep themselves together. They’re not mourning a player, they are feeling for Seungmin’s situation, because they all know what this will do to him.
"I can’t do that." Seungmin gathers himself again. "Baseball is everything to me. That’s my thing. That’s the thing I love the most." And you, but right at that moment, with each passing second, all the love he has for you is slowly turning into red hot hatred. Poison invades all memories that involve you.
"I'm sorry Mr. Kim, but in my professional opinion, that does not seem like an option based on your body's current state. You’re going to have to go through physical therapy for the foreseeable future. Perhaps, maybe in the far future, you could recover enough to participate in the sport.” It’s like the doctor was not aware of what he was saying, he had no idea that he was shattering Seungmin’s future like a wrecking ball on glass.
"Doctor, you don’t understand, I'm going to join the Lotte Giants." He looks at the guys who are still avoiding his gaze, “Guys! Tell him! You guys know me, tell him I’ll be fine!” His tone changes from confusion to desperation with every word. Almost begging for this reality to be a dream.
"Mr. Kim..."
Seungmin's eyes search the bed, almost hoping that his body will respond to his pleads. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t break through the pain holding him back.
“No…” His voice timid and broken. Chan thinks to himself that he’s never seen Seungmin this way, not in the slightest. One of his best friends, the rock to support on, the comedic relief to fall back on through tough times, the guy who is always there for everyone. How is he supposed to help him? He knows what Seungmin truly wants, and it pains Chan that he can’t help him through that.
If they were under different circumstances, Minho would laugh, because if any of the guys were in Seungmin’s current state, Seungmin would go and make a deal with the devil to help them out. Minho would do the same for him. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have the devils number, so all he can do is let the silent tears stream down his face with a bitter smile.
Seungmin truly breaks when he catches a glimpse of Felix and Changbin. Felix has tears streaming down his face, and he is trying his best to keep quiet, while Changbin let's silent tears fall down his cheeks as he stares at the doctor, his face being unreadable between anger and sadness.
Tears unwillingly begin to catch up to the champ. Finally understanding how dire the situation is, reality finally settles in. His delusions begin to fade and he starts seeing the world for how it truly is. Cruel. Unfair. Brutal. That was a side of the world Seungmin had never seen before. The go-to-lucky guy was getting his light dimmed because the universe decided to finally show him what reality is truly like.
"Please get out." Seungmin''s voice is cold and harsh, which was very unlike him.
"Seung-" Chan tries to reason with his friend before he is cut off.
"and don't tell Y/N. I don't want to deal with this, I don't want to deal with anyone, much less the pity."
Through sobs, Felix manages to speak, "Seungmin we don't pity you."
"Get out!" It's more of a plead than a command. The guys do not know that the second they finally walked away, Seungmin broke down to pieces. If he could've trashed the room he would've, but instead, he thrashed around the bed to the best of his ability as silent sobs caught in his throat at the acknowledgment that his future is non-existent.
Everytime he closes his eyes, he sees your face. The image of every rejection you have given him replays in his mind. If he hadn't gone to you, he would be fine. It's technically your fault. His downfall is all because of you. The person he loved the most is the cause of his demise, and he doesn't think he could ever recover from that.
The fact that he still loves you is poisoning his brain. It feels like a betrayal to himself. The love becomes toxic in his blood, every bit of affection turns into red hatred.
The thought of his resentment towards you simmers in his brain as he calms down and looks at the white ceiling. He continues reliving the night prior, yet he can't remember who the culprits of his incident were. He never had a chance to pinpoint them, his first priority was to get away, but he never could.
The rest of his hospital stay becomes miserable for him. Starting off from the events that took place when you tried to visit him.
All he could think about was your selfishness as you plead with him. Every word becomes more and more hypocritical. Every encouragement is a lie. The pain in his body and the stress of the situation becomes too overwhelming for him.
He wanted to share his pain. When he took everything out on you he felt relief, but something about being the reason tears were streaming down your face irked him. He knew he felt guilty. After so long of being the reason for your smile, and wanting nothing more than to make you happy, causing misery for you felt off. He pushed through those feelings and turned them into pride. He should feel proud. After all, you’re the reason he’s lying there, broken.
Useless.
~
He only allowed Jeongin to take him home from the hospital, the youngest being his closest friend. Yet, he didn’t speak to him much at all.
“How are you feeling?” He would keep on asking, only to be met by tight lips and silence, which was more than enough according to Seungmin.
Seungmin refused to ask for help, luckily his friends would come by without asking first. They’d cook for him, though he didn’t eat much. They’d clean for him here and there, but Seungmin wasn’t doing much aside from lying in bed and simmering in his own misery.
You’d come too, but he never let you come inside.
The guys would question him in the beginning, wondering why he had it out for you specifically, but they stopped bringing you up when he finally responded with, “I was coming from her house when it happened.” Knowing Seungmin’s mind was probably a riddle at the moment, they just assumed that the anger would pass, leaving just despair for the broken boy, but the anger stayed to infect more than the relationship between you and Seungmin.
It all started one night when he was alone. He simply wanted to use the restroom. All he had to do was get out of bed, hop in his chair, and make his way to the bathroom. Simple.
He never struggled for anything, so having to do such a simple task seemed like nothing but a small task. Things changed when he was trying to get out of his chair by gripping the porcelain counter with his good hand, and his hand slipped on the surface.Leaning forward, he tried to catch himself, but was caught off guard by his own weight on just one hand. He hit the ground hard, with his good hand trapped between his body and the floor. His body at an awkward angle between the chair, the counter, and the toilet, the circumstances making it almost impossible for him to move.
His face laid on the bathroom tile, features contorting in pain, it dawned on him once again how useless he felt in his situation. He couldn't use his right arm to wedge himself to a different position without pain shooting through his body. He kept on trying to use his good leg to find a stable footing or grip on his surrounding, only to flop it around to no avail.
Before he knew it, tears were streaming down his face for the first time since that day in the hospital.
This life didn't feel like his own. The golden boy would have been out tonight, maybe eating barbecue with his friends, or maybe singing karaoke with you.
You.
His anger slowly took over his sadness as it had before.
He didn't need you, or anyone for the matter. He only needed himself. He couldn't rely on anyone because if he did, he would be vulnerable again. He would be open for the world to come back and break him down, and he couldn't allow that.
So instead of wallowing in self pity on the bathroom floor for any longer, Seungmin used his broken hand to get a grip on the cold tile. The cast making it a bit more difficult to angle himself properly. Despite the shooting pain that felt as if his bones were on fire from the pressure, he forces himself to work through the pain. He needed to prove to himself that he could do it.
After a few agonizing minutes Seungmin was back in his chair. Panting from the exertion while holding his casted arm, he willed his arm to go numb.
Once he caught his breath, he made a mental note to start working out in whichever way he could to make up for his unusable limbs. At the thought he started laughing, slowly at first, but gradually cackling at himself. The fingers on his good hand reach his thigh and he began digging his fingernails on the bare flesh. As his laughter died down, he glanced down to see scratch marks.
Pathetic.
He thinks to himself because of his behavior. He’s never been like this. Maybe because things had been too perfect before, his glass mansion had shattered and now he had to walk through glass for the first time in his life.
~
After the bathroom incident, Seungmin began to lock his door, opting to ignore the knocks, texts, and calls of not just you, but the rest of the world as well.
The task of shutting everyone out became significantly more difficult when he had to go back to school.
After being in a wheelchair for a month, and excelling in his physical therapy, the hospital gave him the clearance to start using crutches. Which meant, it was time for him to go back to school, and to confront all of the people he’d been ignoring for the past couple of weeks.
Chan and Changbin had been the first to approach him on his way to class.
“Hey Seungmin!” Changbin appeared in front of him seemingly out of nowhere, and when Seungmin tried to go around him, his eldest friend blocked his way.
“Hey man, where have you been? Why haven’t you been answering us? We’ve been worried. The only reason we haven’t called the cops to do a wellness check is because the hospital said you’ve been going to your physicals.” Seungmin finally looks up at Chan, but he continues. “I understand you’re going through a lot man, but you can’t just ghost us like that.”
To all of his friend’s concerns, Seungmin merely responds with a question. “Why did you check with the hospital about my personal business?” The guys’ expressions fell.
Seungmin was somehow colder than he had been before. He wasn’t really himself when he left the hospital, but the guy in front of them right now was worlds apart from the friend who they may have lost.
The old Seungmin was kind, always smiling, and he couldn’t stand to see anyone down. The second he walked into the room, the energy shifted, brightening up everyone’s spirit. This Seungmin radiated soul-sucking hatred.
Changbin holds back any furthering questions, opting to ease the mood, “Hey man, we just wanted to make sure that you were alright. It’s been pretty shitty without you around.” He smiles to himself, more from awkwardness than genuine joy.
"I'm perfectly fine." He was not. "With everything that has happened, I just feel like I need to be on my own," Chan tries to interrupt him, but Seungmin continues. "I want to be on my own." Lies. "You guys are too overwhelming, I'm going through enough shit as it is. I don't want to deal with you guys as well." The last thing Seungmin needed was to be alone, but he didn't know that yet.
Chan being the person that he is wanted to talk to Seungmin, and tell him that avoidance was not going to solve his problems, but before he could say anything, Changbin put his hand on his shoulder, pulling him back.
In his head, Seungmin was right. This just proved it. If they cared, they would have said something to him, they would have broken the door down of where he hid, they would have called the cops for a wellness check to get a point across. He forgets that not everyone is like that.
Not everyone is how he used to be.
"I'll get going now." The two step aside to watch Seungmin slowly make his way to class.
His first time seeing Minho, Hyunjin, and Han went pretty much the same as it went with Changbin and Chan.
Nothing prepared him to see Felix and Jeongin in his doorstep, seconds down from forcing his door open.
After they'd been knocking for an hour, and when they started threatening to tear the door down, Seungmin finally made his way to his door.
"What do you two want?" He said as Felix was in the middle of knocking. Again.
They both looked surprised that he would even open the door in the first place. Almost expecting for the golden boy to hide away like he had been as of lately.
With just one glance, they could tell that this was their only shot.
Felix was the first person to break the silence. "Are we not your friends?" He hoped to talk him out of his reclusiveness.
"No." Seungmin responded without missing a beat.
The two were at a loss for words. They expected a lot, a breakdown, a screaming match, a heart to heart, but a denial felt out of place.
"Seungmin, I know you're going through a hard time," Felix starts but he gets interrupted before he could finish his sentence. "Do you Felix? Do you really know what I'm going through?" Seungmin challenges.
Always the most level headed, Felix defends, "No. I don't know what you're going through, which is why we are here in the first place."
"Then leave." Seungmin goes to shut his door, until Jeongin's voice cuts through the tension.
"You're my older brother." Seungmin only looks at the ground, not daring to look at the youngest in the eyes. "Please let me be with you through this." Through this. Do they not understand that there is no 'getting through this'? This was his new tragic reality.
"There is no 'we' Jeongin." He looks at the youngest. Felix and Jeongin looked hopeless. They couldn't believe that their best friend was gone.
"We need you." The fox eyed man said with anger, but it was more outrage from Seungmin's words.
Seungmin laughs sarcastically. "You needed a baseball coach, well he's kind of out of business now." Once again, he goes to shut the door, but Felix chimes in next. "We need you for more than that."
Bile threatens to flood Seungmin's senses. They need him. Had everyone been a leach in his life? He wonders why he had allowed himself to be so good to everyone without expecting anything in return.
One more reason to hate himself. He was foolish. People took advantage of him. He couldn't let that happen ever again.
"Well, I needed you guys for the team." He stares straight at Jeongin for the next few words. "I'm not in the team anymore, so I don't have any use for either of you." He didn't mean that. "So if the two of you could stop pestering my life, I'd greatly appreciate it." Please don't leave. "Please don't bother me ."
He shut the door in their face, ignoring all calls and messages going forward, which all faded to few and far between. All except for yours.
~
He was stable, going through the motions, doing his school work to at least graduate, but he didn't have much motivation to do much else until one day he stayed in the library past 1AM.
He'd been mindlessly studying, and memorizing everything as he always did.
That was, until he was interrupted by a random stranger.
"You have a great singing voice." The words brought Seungmin out of his book. Blinking his way to focus on the source of the sound.
Was he singing? He didn't even realize.
"It was quiet but this place is a bit empty, I could heard you from a couple of seats down."
Oh.
He clears his throat before focusing on his textbook again. "I'm sorry."
"Hey," She said to catch his attention. He finally looked up to see her, and without a shadow of a doubt, she was gorgeous. "No need to apologize. Seriously, I would have thought you were a celebrity if you weren't in a college library." She moves to sit beside Seungmin, but an uneasy feeling settles in his gut. His skin begins to tingle with anxiety. Which was also new to him.
He chooses to ignore his uneasiness for now. It could have been the 1AM deliria.
"Do you really think so?" He asks. Was she being serious? Or mocking him? He never really thought he had any talent for singing. Nowadays, he doubted everything he did.
"I think that your voice is amazing. A golden voice if you will." She said in good nature.
She seemed beautiful, kind, positive, and most of all, she reminded him of you.
The mere thought brought him back to reality. The same reality in which he scratched through his recently uncasted wrist. Blood seeped through where he managed to break through his own skin. It was almost as if it distracted him from reality, but when the pain became too much, he realized it wasn't a distraction, but an escape.
He wiped his wrist on the fabric of his sweatpants, clearing his throat before slamming his book closed.
"Excuse me. I have to go." He start throwing all of his belongings in his bag before he moves to grab his crutches.
She stands up and walks around Seungmin. "Here let me help-" "Don't." She stands back, confused, but Seungmin looks at her. Eye to eye, almost challenging, which leaves her even more confused.
"Hey I'm sorry... I just thought that-" He interrupts her again, "I don't care."
As he walks away from her, he pushes all thoughts of you to the back of his head. All you ever brought him was pain, there was no point on even pondering on the fact that he felt like his heart was being suffocated from the memory of his past.
~ TW!
He had given the rest guys a proper rejection so they wouldn't chase after him. So why couldn't he bring himself to do the same to you?
If he was being honest to himself, he could hardly stand to look at you. Everytime he hears your voice, he gets reminded of everything he'd lost. His recruitment, his team, his friends, his passion, his dignity, and his heart.
Everytime you'd approach him, he simply ignored you, and tuned you out. The more you did it, the easier it became.
He didn't want to hear your apologies, or your pleads. He wondered what you truly wanted, and assumed that you just wanted to have your lovesick puppy back. Afterall, no one truly missed him, they simply missed all he used to do for them.
He told himself that he was better off, but in reality, he’d never felt more lost.
His life was always linear. He’d been the best at everything, so he’d never had to wonder what was next. Once it was so simple. Win in the play ground, get good grades, win baseball matches, get into a good school, go pro, get a family and just allow life to run its happy course.
Now everything that he knew was gone.
He felt hopeless, not knowing what comes next, was it even worth it to keep going to school? If he isn’t playing baseball, what else is there for him to do?
The dark thoughts approach the day of his birthday. He received calls from everyone, and the only ones he answered were from his parents.
“Are you doing anything fun to celebrate tonight?”
“Yes mom.” Was all he gave her.
To his parents, Seungmin was still the same, though he couldn’t play baseball, they knew the talented young man would find something else he was good at and excel in that. They knew that he had a strong support system, and a strong will, so they weren’t worried about their son.
If only they knew what Seungmin was really going through.
Turning a year older filled him with dread. He sat alone in kitchen table, silent tears rolled down his face and he just let them. His stomach roared with hunger but he didn’t have anything in the fridge. Why eat if he doesn’t need the energy anyway? Why celebrate his birthday if he was alone? Why age if he didn’t have a future?
He saw nothing after college. Why live for a future that is not even there?
His left hand makes its way to his uninjured right arm and begins to manically scratch the inside of his arm where a cast once sat. A new habit of his, one that always leaves him with scars where his nails had dug so harshly into his own flesh.
He tells himself that he deserves it. If he was better he wouldn’t be in this situation. If he was better he wouldn’t be hurting himself. If he was better…
He goes to stand, but forgets his own immobility for a split second, leading him to land on the floor. Sobs rip through his body, was the room amplifying his cries? He hits his fists against the ground in desperation. Maybe if he begged loud enough, the world would open up and swallow him whole, freeing him from his pain.
Maybe he could free himself of his pain. The worst thoughts run through his head as he crawls towards the knife drawer. It would be for the best right? He'd be ridding the world of one more problem.
As he grips the handle of one of his sharpest knives, his vision begins to blur. He could hardly breathe and his tears make everything cloudy.
He hovers the knife over his previous scars. He can feel them, as if they itched to be reopened.
As the tip of the blade digs into his skin, his hands begin to shake, he could hardly keep the grip on the handle of the knife. He felt as if he was drowning. He tried to focus on his task but his brain had a funny way of seeing things.
How pathetic would it be for someone to find him like this? Dead in his own kitchen on the day of his birthday. How ironic. He can see the posts and headlines, "The Golden Boy and his demise." The golden boy. He would laugh at the term if he were under different circumstances.
As he pushed the knife deeper into his skin, his breathing got more erratic. Why couldn't he at least do this?
He couldn't hold the knife anymore, it felt as if his hands cramped up. He brought his hand to his neck, trying to rip his own shirt open. He felt suffocated, as if he was choking on air, it was overwhelming.
He was going to kill himself.
He couldn't believe it. He wanted to die, but he didn't have the guts. Why couldn't he just die?
The kitchen was dark, and all that could be heard were hit gut-wrenching sobs.
How could one person be in so much pain? When would it end?
It felt like a lifetime before Seungmin stopped crying. He almost felt numb, as if he cried himself out, but he could do nothing but stare at the wall across from him.
There were no thoughts running through his brain, at least until a particularly loud thunder brought him back to reality.
He looked around the room, eyes swollen, and mouth dry. He couldn't even muster up the effort to move. All he did was listen to the rain outside.
A thunderstorm, so peaceful and full of life. He envied it.
Then, another sound would cloud his senses. It was a ringtone, particularly the ringtone he set for your contact. A soft melody to contrats the harsh storm outside. He tried to ignore it at first, but then the ringtone started over again, and again, and again. He wondered if you'd ever get tired of calling.
However, in the midst of the rain and the melody, he started humming to himself. A random tune at first, but slowly he began to formulate words along with his own melody.
Maybe it was because you called him, or maybe it was because he still loved you, but all of his memories of you came back to haunt him.
He began to wonder if he'd made the right choice. If he would have done things differently, would you still be there? Would you see him in the same way that he sees himself?
Though he doesn't want to think about you, he sings a small tune, that may have had you as the muse.
"If I hadn’t let it go in the end
Will we ever be happy again?
It’s useless, everything is useless, even if they say it’s useless
Thoughts keep growing in my head
Would it have been better if I did better?
Would you have laughed if I did the opposite?
It’s useless, everything is useless, even though I know everything
Regret keeps growing in my heart"
He lays in the same spot for the rest of the night, repeating the same lyrics in his head over and over again until he could find the will to get up and write them down.
-
A week later, he was back to his new usual stoic self. He threw a hoodie on and got ready for class. Yet, he didn't expect for you to be on his doorstep as he walked out of his dorm.
Whatever game you were trying to play, he wouldn't fall for it. So he simply pretended as if you weren't there, assuming you wouldn't be there by the time he came back.
He was wrong.
Day in and day out, you remained in the same place. He never acknowledged you, and you never acknowledged him.
To him, you were like a mosquito that refused to leave him alone. Yet, after two weeks, he wondered when you'd even go to class, or cheer practice, or anything else for that matter.
He didn't allow himself to ponder on it much, because the more that he allowed himself to think, the more he would feel, and the more he would feel, the more he would hurt. Seungmin was tired of hurting.
Still, he'd lay awake at night wondering if you were foolish enough to sit alone in the hall of a bunch of men's dorms. Turns out, you were stupid enough to do so. Whenever he'd feel restless, he would look through his peephole and find you slumped over in the corner of his line of vision, and he could do nothing but sigh at your stupidness.
When week three rolled around, he began to wonder if you did anything aside from keeping guard by his door. He still wouldn't acknowledge you, but he assumed there was no way you made permanent residence in the men's hall.
He took it upon himself to find out just how stupid you were. Turns out, you were not only stupid, but also idiotic. After hearing your teachers say that you'd been absent for three weeks, Seungmin wanted nothing more than to kick you where it hurt most.
He questioned why you were doing this in the first place. Why couldn't you let him rot away in peace. Why did you always have to meddle in his affairs?
Why was it that when he finally pushed you out of his thoughts, you found a way to meddle back in?
~
After a month of constantly ignoring your presence, things became harder. Not because Seungmin learned how to forgive and let go, but because he was afraid that you'd be dead in the morning and it'd be his fault.
Totally not because a freezing cold thunderstorm hit the city, and totally not because he was worried about your well being.
He tried to forget that you were there, but every time he'd close his eyes to sleep, he could see you shivering under a thin towel, sitting outside for no reason whatsoever.
He tossed and turned until he was wide awake. "God-fucking-dammit." He hopes that once he makes his way outside, you'd given up, too cold to stand being stupid. Boy, was he wrong.
When he opened the door, he finds you in the same position he saw you last.
"You're going to die out there." He says while looking down at your shaking form.
"Y/N, go home." You pretended as if you couldn't hear him.
Without giving it much thought, he limped out and sat beside you.
You turn to face him, "Go-go inside." Your teeth were vibrating against each other. The freezing cold rain had taken its toll on you, but Seungmin had underestimated you. You were just as, if not more, hardheaded than he was.
He couldn't comprehend how you'd been out the for so long. The rain and the cold felt as if needles were piercing his skin with every drop.
"Seungmin." You said.
"Y/N." He challenged.
The two of you exchanged looks before breaking eye contact and looking forward again.
After a couple of minutes, he breaks the silence.
"Why?" He had begun to shiver as well. He couldn't believe that you had sat out there for hours through this hell.
You let out a small laugh, which sits odd with him. Had you finally gone mad?
"So you would talk to me." With a sad smile, you look at the ground. The six words made Seungmin shiver and he wasn't sure why. Yet they make something take over him, "C'mon, come inside." He struggles to get up, and immediately, you're at your feet trying to help him, but he pushes you away. He still doesn't want your help or your pity.
He tells himself that he would do the same for anyone else, ignoring the part of his brain that screams comfort at your form.
"You can take a shower in the spare room." He says, as he grabs his crutches once again, and makes himself towards his own room to shower as well.
"All of my clothes are soaked." Of course they are.
"I'll put some pajamas on the bed for you."
You nod and scurry off, which Seungmin is thankful for. He feels vulnerable in front of you, but he doesn't know how scared you were in front of him.
You didn't fear Seungmin, but you knew you walked a tightrope in his head.
Once Seungmin finally laid in bed, he hoped that you'd be graceful enough to leave before his classes started, but much to his dismay, you still lay on his couch as he rushes out of the door to make it to his early class in time.
He did not expect you to overstay your welcome, and to find you in his dorm when he came back that afternoon was a bit startling, especially after being alone for so long.
"Go home." Is the only thing he tells you once he walks in, but you ignore him.
A day later, he sits on the opposite side of the couch, but he doesn't say anything.
He wanted you to speak first. Why did you waste a whole month by his doorstep? Why couldn't you just forget him in the same way that everyone else had?
As he sat there, running through a million scenarios in his head, he heard you sniffling, and he almost wished that he hadn't looked up.
Your body shaking with sobs. Eyes shut, as tears streamed down your face. Mouth shut open, trying to muffle your cries. Hair a mess, hands shaking, face flushed, you seemed so vulnerable.
Every fibre of his being wanted to hold you.
Every fibre of his being still hated you.
"Seungmin?" He heard you, but he was too lost in his own thoughts to acknowledge you.
"Can't you tell that I love you?"
His world halted.
"Have you really not been able to tell that I have loved you since our second year?
It was a joke. It had to be. Just another futile attempt to get him to talk to you.
"Are you really that stupid? Seungmin, I have fucking loved you since that day when I couldn't land a flip. You came up to me and told me that I was worth something. How are you so dense?"
He remembered the day. It was the day you began to see him as a person. You finally saw through his golden persona, and saw the boy trying his best in the shadows.
He still refused to let his guard down. "Don't lie to me out of pity."
"Please shut the fuck up for a second?" That caught him off guard.
"Have you thought of how much you hurt me by cutting me off? You hurt everyone Seungmin." You stood up, and looked down at his sitting form.
You couldn't see the millions of thoughts running through his head. Had he hurt anyone? He thought that it was for the better to close himself off. Were you lying? The self doubt creeped into his head as it often did.
He began picking at his scabs before your next words.
"You are so much more than baseball. You're fucking Kim Seungmin. You are the guy that has always been there for everyone that you cared about, so it seems very fucking selfish to me that you refuse to let anyone be there for you." Your tears are shocking to him. Your tears aren't dramatic, but they're desperate, almost screaming into what Seungmin tried to ignore.
"You are the guy that brightened up my life for the longest. You are the fucking reason that I am still alive right now!" Your hands begin to shake, something Seungmin recognizes all too well.
"Have you thought about the fact that no one gives a shit if you can play baseball or not?! We knew that it hurt you, but we could've helped you through it. You're so obsessed with being perfect. We don't need you to be perfect!" He analyses your every word. Though he finds it hard to believe, he didn't ever think that anyone ever saw him as anything but perfect.
He sits in silence as your voice reaches a screaming point. "You are the reason I get up every morning. You are the reason I try my hardest everyday. If you aren't there, then what the hell do I have to fight for?!" Your breathing becomes rapid, which makes Seungmin regain consciousness in what feels like forever. "You are so much more than the golden boy-" You fall to the ground, unaware that Seungmin follows right next to you. "You're Seungmin." He sees you gasping for air, and he can't think of how to help you. Every emotion and thought that he has focuses on you.
"You're my-" Your words refuse to come out. "You're my Seungmin."
That's all it takes.
All of his makeshift walls crumble down at your words.
He still doesn't feel safe, but if he would risk it all again, tragically, it would be with you.
He sees you gasping for air but he doesn't know how to help.
As you begin to sob, he brings his unsteady hand to your back. The same hand that had done so much damage to himself. Yet, he doesn't think of that now. He only thinks of you.
You visibly recoil from his touch, and he almost pulls away.
"Y/N."
You're not hearing him. Your eyes search the floor, your lungs yearn release, and your chest begs for freedom,
"Seungmin." He hardly hears you.
He knew that you needed him, and although it was a cause of resentment at first, he couldn't help but think that if he were to be destroyed again, he'd risk the chance for you. All of the feelings he pushed back came crashing down all at once. So he did what helped him with the same scenario in the past.
He began to sing.
"If I hadn't let it go in the end Will we ever be happy again? It's useless, everything is useless, even if they say it's useless Thoughts keep growing in my head"
"Would it have been better if I did better? Would you have laughed if I did the opposite? It's useless, everything is useless, even though I know everything Regret keeps growing in my heart"
"In the еnd, I'm left alone at this night Our memoriеs become stars Put it over your head It is pouring endlessly The beautiful times we had together"
He noticed that your breathing was returning to normal.
"The moments sparkle come into me It shines in my heart today, I'm going to show you I can't forget you the way you are"
Once you can form coherent sentences, you tell him, "There are so many things that make up for what you lack."
A warmth erupts in his chest, and though he's not ready to trust anyone or anything again, he feels akay for the first time in a long time.
He doesn't feel alone.
He smiles at you for the first time in forever, and for the first time in a long time, he puts his arms around you, because his heart wasn't the only one that sat bare in front of you. You finally gave him yours in return.
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An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
After a tragic accident, Minho loses memory of the last three years of his life – including his entire relationship with Jisung, his long-term boyfriend.
Han Jisung constantly being reduced to some lesser version of himself for struggles with anxiety/mental health, being rampantly feminized because he’s become 1/2 of the face of a popular ship within the fandom and consequently not fairly recognized for the sheer individual GENIUS he is; finally making a personal instagram and casually posting all the song covers he wants to, getting 3 tattoos in one session just because he can. Trusting us enough to share what the tattoos are on a fancall- sharing little tidbits of his personal life when he’s ready, and keeping things sacred to him when he’s still able to. Seeing him have this autonomy over himself and embrace the creative person he is and always has been is so, so refreshing. Maybe we’ll never know him beyond a killer instagram song cover, we’ll never see his baby photos or perhaps even bear witness to his first few tattoos. But we do know he cried 3 times watching the movie “Up”. And the little glimpses we get into his personality and his artistic vision as he walks this fine line between privacy and rawness as an idol are nothing short of endearing. I don’t know what was in those contract renegotiations, but he’s never seemed more like himself.
Han Jisung my multi-faceted muse. Do whatever you want if it means you’ll always be this fulfilled
⤷ I've decided to open 5 spots for this event.
⤷ In order to participate, either reblog or comment below that you want a spot. Do note that this is NOT first come first serve, it will be based off a lucky spin for the 5 winners.
⤷ Although no biasness will be put in place for the choosing of the winners, if one of my mutuals is chosen, they will receive an extra headcanon/drabble or Fake text of their choice and will be sent to them privately as a thank you :)
What happens if I win?
You can choose one of the following below!
Please note, You can only choose one.
ઇଓ Headcanons/ Drabble
ઇଓ 1-3k One Shot
ઇଓ Soft/ Hard thoughts
ઇଓ Fake Texts
These will be about your desired members. I will write anything you wish (Smut included!) (MY RULES STILL APPLY)
ઇଓ Invisible Ask Game
Requests are open until July 27th.
Apart from the above, I will also be opening my requests to the invisible ask game!
How to Participate:
⤷ You can choose one member either from Stray Kids or P1harmony.
⤷ Choose a number between 1 and 50.
⤷ Send your request through an ask!
⤷ Some prompts may be suggestive, minors do not interact.
⤷ Each number corresponds to a unique prompt or scenario.
⤷ They will be texts
⤷ You can request as many times as you like!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued support.
I just thought of the FILTHIEST SMUT I want to write it but also. It’s so filthy?!??!? Like the people that read my stories are used to the normality. But it’s been on my brain for a bit. Like Jisung is getting bullied at school. Reader transferred to the school. They become friends and she’s mean playfully and it turns him on????? So like he becomes super subby and down for humiliation????? Like the bullying turns him on??? But more aggressive??? I’m just yapping right now. But like BDSM punishment level ?????????
If you enjoyed this, have not read it but would like to, or simply want something similar to read, I am rewriting this story with a bigger plot, better characters, and more to love right here!
That being said, this story is unfinished and will remain as is.
(but hey definitely check out the new one with almost the same plot but better)
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In the end, he managed to forget that a king is nothing without his queen.
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~
Part 1, 2, 3, & 5 will be linked in the master list above!
Pairings: Jeongin x Reader (and some love triangles among the way.) enemies to lovers, royalty au!
Warnings: ANGST, implied smut, war, aggression, anxiety, depression, death, please let me know if i miss anything... (this was heavily inspired by the song “Let the world burn” by Chris Grey.
Word Count: 3.8k??
~
After Minho had been in Rexerum court for two weeks, he understood the gist. You and Felix thought him the ins and outs, you'd caught him up with everything you could tell him that you hadn't already told on the weekly letters you'd sent to him.
Now, he was prepared to join court, not as an outsider, but as your ally. You were nothing but grateful. Yet, you were scared. Minho was the head of guards. He would not stand for Jeongin's disrespect. You considered warning him, but at this point, you'd much rather see him make decisions on his own, rather than to be influenced by you.
You, Felix, and Minho stand outside of the council doors, before the guards.
"Alright Min, welcome to Rexerum." You give him a humorless chuckle before the guards open the doors for the three of you, you standing in front, with the two following close behind.
Jeongin nods to the new invitee at court. Chan had told him that you needed support from home, and he just waved it off.
However, he couldn't help but wonder... Why did you need help from Eldoria? Were you that upset here?
Minho bowed before the king, "Your majesty, I am Lee Minho, head of Eldorian guards. At your service." To which Jeongin nodded in acknowledgment.
You took your usual spot beside your husband, Felix next to you and Minho next to him. Then, the king began to speak.
"There are words that Aurora's troops are heading towards our borders. We need assistance." Immediately, the king makes eye-contact with Minho.
"What may you suggest King Jeongin?" Minho asks with no hesitation.
Jeongin clears his throat before he proceeds, "As our countries are united-" The king gets interrupted before he can finish his sentence, "Are they?" Minho asks challengingly.
"I beg your pardon?" The king asks offendintely as the rest of the council looks to the ground so they can hide their expressions.
Minho continues, "I am saying, that our lands are united, yet, I have seen my men put their lives on the line for your country, but Eldoria has received nothing but empty promises from you. My king." The last two words come with a bite. You know when Minho is angered, and it seems as if he held that anger in until he saw the king face-to-face.
"I am your king! You shall not disrespect me in such way."
"I am a citizen of Eldoria. YN is my princess, my future queen. You are nothing but her husband. I would love to see you try to lead MY troops without me. Go ahead, King." You stare at Minho in pure astonishment. You are used to him speaking this way in your home country, but not to strangers. He could lose his head if you weren't there to protect him.
"You will not disrespect me in my own court!" The king begins, but your best friend put some sense into you.
"Our court!" You intercept. "This is our court Jeongin. Not yours. Do not talk down to my men. Anything Lee Minho says, I will stand behind. So take his words as mine. Do not undermine us." The council stays silent beyond that.
Minho speaks up first. "Well how about we send our leaders forward," The room stands still, "Send our strongest troops, we can take out their disposable troops. Aurora is desperate, like you are." Jeongin looks away at his words, mad, but listening. "I am willing to stand in front. As the head of troops, I refuse to let my soldiers sacrifice themselves before me, and with all due respect, I cannot even see you as a man if you cannot say the same."
"I am a king." Jeongin stands tall.
"Then show us, your highness."
Jeongin scoffs. He takes a glance at Chan before he makes eye-contact with you. "I will stand in front of my troops. So be it Lee Minho, let's both stand with our best troops against theirs."
Minho hides a smile with a cough. Only you and Felix can see his smugness. "Let's proceed with a plan then."
~
The plan was set, in less than two weeks, the troops, king, and one of your best friends, would be heading out for war.
It terrified you, not much for Jeongin, but for Minho. As aggressive and stubborn as he is, you know that he will lay out his life on the line for a cause. Although it is selfish and childish for a queen, you don't want him to be selfless. You want him to be safe.
All the stress in planning and affairs leads you back to your safe space.
However, you did not expect for your safe space to be invaded by the vermin that is the king.
"What are you doing here?" You ask, before he notices your presence.
He doesn't seem shaken, "This is my garden."
"Ours."
He chuckles to himself, "Have you come to challenge me once again?"
"Challenge you? Hardly. I have far more important matters to attend to than to waste my time on petty disputes with you." You turn to leave, but his voice stops you before you could take a few steps.
Without turning to face you, he continues, "Oh, of course. How could I forget? Your "important matters" always seem to conveniently align with undermining my authority."
"Is this what is all about? Your authority?" You scoff, "Your ego is as grand as your castle walls, yet just as fragile."
Jeongin finally stands to face you, "Fragile? You think my rule is fragile? You underestimate me, my dear. I am the king! The foundation upon which this kingdom stands."
Now that he faces you, you have a reason to challenge him, "And yet, your kingdom trembles beneath the weight of your tyranny."
A king and a queen with their own birthright may be the worst combination, neither of you were willing to back down.
He laughs incredulously at your statement. "Tyranny? Is that what you call it? My perfect rule. My loyal followers. The strength of my country. Is this what you call tyranny?!"
You held your head high before him, "You mistake fear for respect. A true leader earns the loyalty of their people, not demands it"
For a second, Jeongin hesitates, almost as a loss for words, but he recovers quickly, "Loyalty is earned through strength, not weakness. And weakness is something you seem to know all too well."
Why must he always this that way? Why is everything strength and terror to him? Why should the world be lead with an iron fist?
"Strength is not measured by the length of one's sword, but by the compassion in one's heart."
That earns you a hearty laugh from the king. "Compassion? You speak of compassion as if it were a weapon. But mark my words, queen, in this game of thrones, compassion is a luxury we cannot afford."
Done with the conversation, you approach the roses in the garden, hoping to grab a few before you gather yourself to your chambers.
As always, the king interrupts you, this time he holds your wrist in his hand.
His hand on yours brings electricity to your joints. You hadn't touched your husband in such a way since your wedding night. All the walls that you built specifically for him, seemed to shake with a mere touch.
What happened to the anger you had? It is most likely still be there, but the delusions you'd built since childhood, couldn't help but poke their heads through the cracks.
You have to hold your heart aside, "Is that everything you have to say?"
"What do you mean?" He always speaks with you as if it were an inconvenience so why is he, all of the sudden, acting as if he cared for what your opinions were.
He fixes his collar and continues to speak, "Well, you've been so outspoken at our councils. Where did your backbone go? Now you have a chance to talk to me face to face. Why don't you show me the real you?"
That makes you laugh out loud.
"You've known the real me. Before all of this bullshit. Before we even met." Your words leave bewildered.
"What?"
You try to remove your wrist from his hold, but his fist remains strong.
"Did you forget my letters or something?" You ask indignantly. "Let me go." You demand.
"Letters?" His grip weakens.
You pull your hand to your chest, finally leaving his grip. "The letters I sent you every damn week! Do not act like a fool! You have known of me since I was a child." You drop the flowers in your hands and glare at him one last time. "Do not be a pawn in a game of king and queens."
You walk away before you could hear his last words to you.
" I never received a letter from you..."
~
"I'm bored." Minho says as he opens your doors, disrupting you and Felix from your intense chess game.
"That's tragic." You say, still in deep concentration.
"I don't understand how the two of you have been twiddling your thumbs inside of these four walls for a year." He walks towards your window and opens the curtains. "Let's go horse riding, yeah?"
Without looking up, Felix responds. "Lady Rose and the king take their daily horse ride at this time." Which makes you roll your eyes in annoyance. How did you end up second to a mistress? The Eldorian princess you once were would laugh at your predicament.
Minho laughs, "Then let's ruin their little date."
"Minho, you know things in court are tense." You back away from the playing board, finally paying attention to your best friend.
He takes his coat off, getting comfortable on your bed, dramatically sighing before he continues, "You know you are the queen right? Did you forget when your mother shut all the castle doors when one of her maids stole her wedding ring?"
You laugh at the memory. "My mother was a bit... irrational at times."
"So why can't you be irrational as well? From what I've learned, the two of you have been sitting as decorations here before I showed up." Minho's words get to you, but he doesn't understand Rexerum court yet. Things don’t work the same as they were back home, affairs are handled in silence. You have to keep your cards to yourself.
Unlike you, Felix gets drawn up with his childhood friend. "What do you suggest Min?"
Minho sits up, mischievously. "I say, we show them a bit of Eldoria while I'm here. Since you spineless ducks can't stand up for yourselves, I say we show them how to have fun." He looks at you and Felix, hoping one of the two would catch his bait.
You and Felix exchange doubtful looks, but before you could say anything to back out, your advisor speaks up. "I say we do it. It would be nice to show them what we're made of." Felix's courage catches you off guard, but he'd been acting weird lately, so his decision only shocks you in the slightest.
Before you know it, the three of you run down to the cellar. You probably look out of place. Running like children through guards and servants all staring at you in bewilderment. Felix and Minho wearing their usual suits and gems, as you run with them in a full gown, beige silk that you have to pick up in order to not trip on your skirt. Your laughs echo through the halls.
Before you know it, the three of you are sitting in a dark corner, seeing who could stomach the most wine.
It may not have been the best decision, but you felt safe with the two of them. No matter what happened, they'd have your back.
With slurred words, Minho masks, "Wait, wait," You and Felix stop your giggles to listen to what he has to say. "So all the letters the king sent you... they were written by the queen?"
You put your wine glass down in frustration. "That's what Chan said."
"Why do you believe him?" Minho asks.
"Why wouldn't I?"
Minho downs the rest of his glass, "Because it seems a bit convenient. Why would the mother of the king care for your feelings? She was a ruler, she knows that matters of diplomacy are above matters of the heart." You and Felix await for further explanation, but Minho seems a bit annoyed that the two of you aren't reading things the same way he is. "Only someone that cares for Jeongin's heart would do such thing."
You and Felix still stare at him waiting for further explanation. "You fucking idiots. Bang Chan wrote those letters. He cares for Jeongin, and what a coincidence that he grew close to YN so quickly."
You were about to dismiss him before he continued, "I am just saying, as a fellow strategist, that's what I would have done."
Maybe it was the alcohol induced boldness, but you couldn't help yourself. "Why don't we go ask him then?" Before either of the two could stop you, you run to the king's chambers, Felix and Minho close behind. Felix trying to stop you, and Minho ready for the show.
Jeongin's guards immediately stop you at his door, "I apologize your highness, but the king is occupied at this moment."
That typically would have been enough to turn you away, but you lacked shame at that moment, so you would not pass up a moment of courage (foolishness).
"As your queen, I order you to let us through." You say as confidently as possible, despite trying to hold back your laugh at the fact that it all seemed like a game to you.
The guards hesitate before they stand aside, which is enough for you to push forward and throw the chamber doors open.
You first make eye-contact with Rose, who looks outraged. Then, you look at Jeongin, who seems desperate. Usually, you'd try to read the room and asses the situation, but instead, you ignore the tension between the two. Minho suggested to show them Eldorian fun, and that is what you intend to do.
"Lady Rose! Fancy meeting you here. You look lovely, how was your horse riding date today?" You're never so bold, always aiming to stay decent and subtle, it catches her off guard.
"It went... Uhm... Okay?" Is all she could muster in the spot.
"I am so glad. Now, could you go and act your rank with the rest of my ladies? I have to speak with the king." You've never feared her, but at the moment, you no longer chose peace, letting the chaos rise. That may have been Minho's doing, but you accept it gracefully nevertheless.
"Could you please repeat yourself my queen?" She asks challengingly.
"You heard her Rose." The king is the one to intercept, which catches everyone by surprise.
Your lady looks at him incredulously, but when he doesn't budge, she looks at the ground and walks away with a sneer. If looks could kill, you'd be having tea with the grim reaper.
"Now, how should I address this invasion." Jeongin looks at the three of you.
"I could show you a real invasion." Minho whispers to himself, aware that he was still loud enough to be heard by everyone in the room.
"Min." You say in an attempt to calm him down.
However, Jeongin seems unaffected in the slightest. "I just want to know as to why I owe the honor."
Felix has been silent for dangerously too long, but that ended with the alcohol.
"Why are you such a dick?" Minho miserably hides a laugh, but you and Jeongin stare at Felix in shock.
"Felix!" Is all you can say, but your brain is hardly clear enough to say much else.
"I am just voicing what everyone is thinking." Felix pouts and begins to look around the room. "Your chambers are huge my king, why is your wife in such shit chambers?"
"Are your chambers not up to your standards?" The king disregards Felix and walks straight to you.
"Don't disregard me!" His deeps voice booms through the king's chambers. Everyone stills. Felix switched from your giggly friend to a headstrong man in a blink of an eye. For a second, he resembles the king, and the thought scares you.
"The queen is fucking perfect and you are an idiot to ignore her. You are a shit king to a kingdom that is two seconds from falling apart. You are foolish to sleep with other women. You want to know what I think? Even though you may not even remember my name. I think that you are distracting yourself from reality in the hands of another, too foolish to see that you were handed by the world, and you are rejecting it for a life in purgatory." He walks towards the king, standing a couple of inches away from his face. "Tread carefully my king. You never know when your world may flip upside down." A staring contest begins between the two men. Felix bold on alcohol, and Jeongin high on power. As you stare at them in complete astonishment, Minho is the first to gather his senses.
"Alright Lix, time to go."
When Minho grabs the younger man's shoulder, Felix only shakes him off. "Minho, you wanted to show Rexerum our colors, here are mine." He grabs Jeongin by the collar, "Stand with YN as a man, otherwise, I will."
Jeongin pushes him away in outrage, but before he could say anything, Minho stands in front of Felix.
"Forgive him my king." Like always, the last word is hard for him to say. "He has had a little too many drinks, allow me to take him away. Please forgive him." He quickly drags Felix away without interacting with the king more than he had to.
Even you are at a loss of words.
"What do you have to say?" Jeongin asks.
"Absolutely nothing. You should be aware that I stand behind my countrymen." You feel out of place, about to follow your friends out of the room.
"What the hell?" Jeongin stops you before you walk out. "What did Felix mean by that?"
"I do not understand what you are talking about." Your hands rest by on your sides. Awkwardly trying to figure out what to do in the strange room. A year of being Jeongin's wife meant nothing now.
"He practically confessed his love to you." Your husband stares at you, awaiting a reaction.
"Why does it matter to you?"
He walks towards you and puts his hands on your shoulders. "You are my wife." He says as if it meant anything.
You couldn't help but to laugh at him. "Yeah and Rose is your lover."
"Why does it matter to you all of the sudden? Jeongin asks as he walks towards his closet, seeking something more comfortable.
"It matters because you have no say in what I do or who I get involved with. It is not as if you were a decent husband."
As he grabs his robe he responds, "Then what do you want from me"
"I want you to respect me, as your queen, not your wife. I do not care for your affection anymore."
He stares at you, maybe in bewilderment. "Are the servants not respectful enough here?" He questions.
"The servants are perfect. The one who lacks is my own husband, the king. Forgive me if I am blunt, but as your wife, I will say, you are nothing to me." He seems offended by your words, almost confused.
"I am nothing to you?!"
~
A/N: Turns out, I'm a liar - one more part to go lol
