Should I make peace with my past? Should. I. make. peace. with. my. past. As you can see I have said a million “last time” in the past. And how many “last time” has there been? If you’re going to ask me, I don’t know. Over the years I’ve created a pile of “last times” high enough to tower over me. These “last time” are often the biggest lies I tell myself. What a great pretender I may be? right? To give one example, this “last time” is in line with the biggest hypocrisy I tell myself. This lie, I believe is one of the most common line WE tell ourselves. This will be the last time I’ll get hurt. This is pertaining to a type of hurt caused by loving someone in a romantic way. Yeah. Been there, done that. I’ve been through the same shit and I’m done, so I’m never coming back in that situation. We keep telling ourselves that. But, in the near future you’ll see yourself in the same situation. Shit. Right? I’ve been in the same cycle for a couple of years. You can say that at my age, I’m too young to utter the previous statement. But, I am pretty sure I’m not. It’s like walking around with a plate in your hand having your heart in it, and letting people who sparks interest in it to take a piece. Yeah, it’s that easy. It feels like it’s that easy, how they can make up your mind into thinking your heart is a commodity being handout for free. Without thinking that if you let them, you’ll have nothing left for yourself but emptiness. But as young or old, as smart or clever we can be, we are foolish when it comes to love. Even the smartest people will agree that at one point, we’re that stupid because of love. Now, you might be guessing what’s this all is in relation to the title. Well, you see each “last time” is a story. I am the type of person who disappears when I get hurt. Really, really hurt. Rather than facing each emotional trauma, I’d run off and disappear. Maybe I’ve been too selfish? But who would want to get hurt right? Even though I’m the one who leaves first, I always end up more devastated. Because, believe me when I say, I’m the one who gives up a piece of me. Funny, at times. There are instances that I’m the one who caused pain, yet still I’ll cry. I’m that pathetic. And emotional. If there’s a person who’s too lousy at picking himself up and putting himself back together, well I am him. It’s true when they say that your past may hunt you, and it does, for me. Sometimes I’d go off singing “Am I in love with you? (am I in love with you?) or am I in love with the feeling?…” Do I still feel the same way or is it just that I miss the way you make me feel. It’s really hard to be certain when you’re not so sure about yourself. So, I keep asking my self: Should I make peace with my past? I’m not even sure if there is even something worth reconciling with or if there is some thing to reconcile to. Maybe it’s just me? Have I moved on? or haven’t I? Am I just bored? or maybe I’m reminiscing too much that I am living in the past. Sometimes I just wish there’s a certain cheat code to this kind of madness called life. Or may be it is me who should make peace with myself. Make. Peace. With. My. Self?
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