impulsive post that i had been avoiding making for months but like, fuck it, i have no followers and i'm pretty much resolved that i'm done with public rp now anyway since it hasn't been any fun since this happened:
so in 2018 i got pushed out of the group i was RPing with for being autistic.
out of the blue one evening, the leader approached me and i was told that i had been reported by multiple people to the leaders for being too abrasive, personal, and longwinded in chat. i was even told that one person had *left the group* because of me.
the leaders understandably felt they had to take some action, but when i asked - explaining that as my behaviour was symptomatic of my developmental disability, it wasn't exactly something i was consciously doing, and i needed a little help pinpointing the issue - could not pinpoint specific incidents in which i caused an issue.
the conditions i was permitted to remain in the group under were that i was not to talk about myself, i was not to talk excessively, and i was not to raise or participate in any discussions of any negative topics. i was told these probationary conditions would last for a month.
you have to understand. i am an ordinary person. i don't have any huge ego or grand scheme of narcissism. my self esteem took a humongous knock and i honestly believed i was some kind of inherently bad person because of what i'd been told about myself by leaders i respected and trusted. i withdrew from many ep projects and felt the need to warn others that i had been issued a conduct warning for my abrasive behaviour.
and not one of those people knew what was meant by that... even after i tried, in good faith to those respected leaders, to explain why i was a problem... even after i showed chatlogs.
i never heard from the leaders again, btw. they never bothered to contact me to let me know my month was up. in fact, all but on3 of my rp friends from the group stopped contacting me too, even if we'd previously talked nightly.
it's may 2019 now and i still have absolutely no idea what on earth i did wrong. after talking with many confidants, including my therapist, and even going so far as to try and convince them that i really am a Problem Person who needs to learn how to behave... they have consistently told me that they have genuinely no idea what the conduct warning was about...
...except the fact i am autistic. the fact i get overexcited and infodump about topics at hand. the fact i can't always read a mood and will say what's on my mind without the context available to me which would allow an allistic person to work out when not to. the fact i jump straight to feeling alienated and upset when someone tells me i Did Something Wrong, and that i isolate myself when that person then fails to provide any kind of solution or comfort.
anyway, i finally quit in late 2018 after realising it had been a good 7 or 8 months since anyone had reached out to me at all. i was clearly not missed.
today i learned that the group in question were, at the time i received my conduct reprimand, somewhat embroiled in what would become the seed of the longrunning tangle of messy roots and gnarled branches that breached the surface lately.
i guess i'm wondering if one of the Genuine Problem People in that particular tale was one of the people who reported me for, essentially, annoying them. because what i recall of their attitude to me, and the timeline, would match up.
im not expecting anything, not even reblogs, bc this doesnt matter. im done. ive had enough. the balmung rp community is not, in my experience, welcoming of autistic rpers; lesson learned, move on. and i don't expect an apology either, as evidenced by the fact i did not write any names; doing so would achieve nothing, as it was long enough ago now that the damage is long scarred over and i'm sure everyone else has forgotten that it even happened. so i just wrote this to get it out of my head without, you know, being too abrasive, personal, or longwinded in any of my groupchats 🙃
izzy806
dailybridgerton
turnnoffyourmind
kaledo-art
