killerolives

poet/ writer/ just saying things and hoping they lead me somewhere 🫡✍️

[killerolives]

[killerolives]

a dog howls in the distance and some almost subconscious part of me urges it to keep going, to keep crying into the night. let me channel my anguish through your shouts, a release where i cannot, a chimney blowing smoking, pushing out the thick, black clouds that fill my throat, choking me in their desperation to be free.

[killerolives]

when asked, i think you would say

"i felt it stirring, calling when i least expected."

something waking from the depths of winter

stretching, blinking,

calling

when asked, i do not say

"i searched acres of trees, calling,

till my throat burned and my voice grew raw."

vigilant in my search,

never resting.

you did not stumble upon me by chance

nor fate,

i forced these roots to take hold,

and i will nurture

till my body decays, turning to compost.

a final meal, a sacrifice.

when asked, i say,

"i never could have seen it coming,

but when it called,

i had no choice but to answer."

[killerolives]

there was a time i resented the pounding

of my heart.

fear fear fear

flooding my senses

and pulsing through me,

recalicant in it's assurance:

there is no safety near.

the tremble of flesh

overworked, overtired.

the sheen of my skin pulled taut,

holding the writhing parts of me together.

in the half-light there is a comedown

and you hold me through it

and the frantic thumping is steady

and you hold me through it.

the static clings,

buzzing

in the space between where we are joined.

the rise and fall of my ribs

and the beat slowing in my ears.

fear fear fear ?

it sounds uncertain,

the words mantra-like but almost

absentminded.

as if waiting to be rewritten

with a more apt, a more just descriptor.

an organ gifted with a new verse,

a body gifted respite.

the jolt of something new,

my heart moving for you.

[killerolives]

I've read a few more posts of yours and i love it. Im so glad i came across your newest post! Much loveeee 🫶💗

omg hello this has acc made my day tysm !! 🫶🏽🫶🏽

[killerolives]

i hold it like a souvenir,

smooth around the edges.

shining when it catches the light

and shining when it doesn't,

daylight forged into its core.

the weight of it between my teeth

grounds me.

i turn it over and over,

letting my tongue run

over the warm surface,

letting myself recognise it with each sense.

sturdy in it's manufacture

and compressed carefully over time,

it's formation was no accident.

and i yearn.

i yearn to swallow it down,

to let it become part of me,

to allow my muscles to part

and my veins to climb around it

and hold it tight,

nestling it in place

beneath my ribs.

i yearn to break it down

until it is indiscernible from my very being, beating in tandem with my heart.

[killerolives]

I know that there is nothing I can do with this jigsaw of memories that I have accumulated. memories of you, of us. A kleptomaniac stares back at me in the mirror as a distant voice of reason asks, why? Why am I grave robbing, nails digging into the decomposed flesh of old text messages, sifting through bodies of words written by someone I don’t recognise? As I pocket the least affected organs, I move on, collecting, gathering- if I can’t stand the sight of you in wholeness, I will at least put myself together again. I am Frankenstein, both monster and doctor.

[killerolives]

penance

I will forever be grateful that you did not care enough to hunt me down. To follow me as far as I would go and tell me you simply could not bear the idea of losing what we had. It would’ve killed me. You would have killed me. With no awareness of your actions; so perfectly and painfully in character. Had the shoe been on the other foot, I was ready to chase you down, at whatever cost. And I don’t admit that lightly. It’s a slap in the face that I inadvertently owe my freedom from you to you. But if that’s the rate it comes at, then I am happy to silently pay my penance in the form of guilt. To hold our secret - yes our secret, because although you let me carry the burden and shame of it alone, it will forever be ours - and, maybe one day, I’ll let it go. And then it will be yours, and I hope it weighs on you till death do you part. I hope it presses slowly against every airway, missing no opportunity to cause unbearable pain. I hope it greets you as an old friend, returning to take back what rightfully belongs to it. You deserve each other.

[killerolives]

we did collage work in my poetry class today !!

[killerolives]

wrote this poem as a response to an object i found in a museum archive and it just got put up on display !!

[killerolives]

day 23 prompt: celestial

suspended in time,

singular, archaic.

praying to a sky

littered with corpses

for the rebirth of a line.

what does it mean to

hold position? alight,

unmoving,

the centre of orbit

amid a celestial blaze.

burn, be consumed,

there will be no flash of

dying light.

burn, then rise,

become the seraphs themselves,

and fight.

[killerolives]

day 20 prompt: frost

the unknown rivulets have

a method of escape

through glacial mountain fronts.

did you know?

a child weighed down by secrets

rejects the closeness you crave

while yearning in tandem.

seeping through fractured ice,

only to submit to the frost before reaching you

each individual instance of snow

displays recognised beauty yet

in excess becomes bothersome.

how much of my coldness could you take?

i who is shoveled into piles

marked with the filth of summer's mud

at the edges of our driveway.

[killerolives]

day 17 prompt: demon

i am wilted by my own design.

water withheld, methodically,

ritualistically.

i burned these roots 

with half-smoked cigarettes, 

blisters peeling, marked, a sign

planted harshly, calculated.

fingernails filthy with soil

digging into

my open wounds

digging, cold stiff fingers into unforgiving 

earth

pulling, yanking, fighting, forcing 

demons up from where they rest,

where they never existed,

molding organs from pebbles and mud,

do you see, do you see it yet? i am haunted i

swear

to you i am haunted, i am something worth

haunting.

[killerolives]

day 16 prompt: angel

he carries no message, nor acts as an agent of any diety. i catch myself watching, green with envy, yet sub-consciously taking notes. a character study; a personality transplant. the very notion of moving freely has, i realise with a sense of shame, never even occured to me. i am embrassed by my obedience and i am angry with him for making me aware of it. i make lists,  obsessively, imitating the way his lips move, the sureness of his words. no angel has liberated me as he has, and the burn of my jealously flashes and dies as quick as it appeared, making way for something more tender. he teaches me to move in a way that belongs only to me, unaware of the precious gift of autonomy that he has bestowed. slowly, i outgrow the traits i stole and build my own in place. my research becomes nothing more than evidence of my affection for him. something which is mine, and mine alone. 

[killerolives]

day 15 prompt: dagger

it takes less time that i expected to grow use to the weight. my body envelopes it, welcoming any evidence of your attention. how can i twist this into an undeniable sign of your devotion? i embrace the pain, carrying it as a reminder as the unforgiving edges slice further, burying itself deeper.

will you love me if i hold this? will this be worth it in the end? if i promise to forgive you without an ounce of resentment, will you let me keep the blade?

[killerolives]

day 13 prompt: rise

falling has never appealed to me. 

losing oneself to love, 

hung weightless, only for a moment,

before plunging into the unknown. 

id prefer, i think,

to rise. 

carried up in ecstacy,

a sustained weightlessness.

floating high, held.

[killerolives]

I wish every day that there had been some crack in my facade. A hairline fracture, enough to spark some recognition in you; your own heartache mirrored in the spaces between my homemade masquerade, splintered but blinding all the same. Being entirely truthful eludes me even now, yet I am sure that, had you noticed and confronted me, I would have folded and begged you to stay. And you would have. Just say the word; you practically begged. And I couldn’t.