"Muirn Beatha Dan"

Daydreamer. Overthinker. Skeptical. Clinomaniac. Nyctophile. Procrastinate. Selenophile. Wonderer. Sleepyhead.

[killyourdemonsinsideyou]

I am saddened by the news that you’re gone. I am truly sad especially for my sister and her hubby. To the point I want to burst into tears too. Nanghihina talaga ako emotionally kapag nakikita ko family ko na hindi sila okay. I wanna badly hug my sister to comfort her but I am too far away from her.

I’ve seen your video na you were in a state of come but you’re trying your best to respond to my brother-in-law and cried. The pain, yes it is, knowing you won’t see your loved ones and children anymore. I know how darn it feels but everything has come to an end.

They told me this late afternoon that the Doctors are trying to revive you but unfortunately you didn’t make it. These photos are my tribute for you, the pain, agony, sadness, worries are gone in just a snap. You will surely be missed and we will pray you. Thank you so much for accepting my sister to be part of your family. I am indeed grateful.

Bye Tita Rose, RIP.

[killyourdemonsinsideyou]

I feel down and worried today.

I got a call from my sister this late afternoon, she was asking for help. Her Mother-in-law got heart attack and stroke occurred at the same time then she fell on the ground. So my sister rushed her Mother-in-law to the hospital and asked me if I could lend her money to pay for the hospital bills.

After talking to her over the phone I suddenly call my Mom too. I told her the whole story and her reaction was surprisingly disappointing. She was almost shouting telling that I should let them solve their problem that I have nothing to do with them, it’s their problem not ours nor mine.

And I was like, wow! Anyare? I wanna badly ask her anong meron bakit ganun reaction mo po? Bakit parang wag na lang tulungan? Eh kapatid ko sya and she’s asking for help though she told me already na hindi naman oblige, kung ano lang kayang maitulong. Seriously, gusto ko mag-comment sa reaction ng Mama ko pero pinili ko na lang manahimik baka kami pag magkasamaan and sinabihan ko un sister ko about sa usapan namin ng Mama ko and she was crying and eto ako I am tried to comfort her.

I can’t blame my sister na parang may puot sa kanya, in these hard times, dapat tulungan kahit emotionally lang kasi we are family. Idk what to react because tbh I really love my Mom at hindi sya ganun and I am freaking worried because nasa coma na un status ng Mother-in-law ng kapatid ko, can’t stop thinking about them sa family side nya lalo na sila ang maaasahan sa side nung asawa nya dahil sobrang bata pa ng mga kapatid ng asawa nya.

Sorry I have to post this in a social online platform, I wanna cry irl kaso hindi ako makaiyak kaya nagvvent out na lang ako and I am praying na lang na maging okay lahat, pero gusto ko damayan un kapatid ko at un asawa nya. I know this is really pretty hard for them. Deym! Gusto ko talaga umiyak :’(

[killyourdemonsinsideyou]

I’ve dreamt of you again, you recorgnized and called me on my real name. I ran and you were running after me, I wanted to forget you but it seems my subconscious mind telling the truth.

Your birthday is getting closer and I still dunno if I should greet you because I am too afraid to be seenzoned or if you ever reply on my messages it might lead to another heartbreak again :(

It’s hard for me to take a risk because I am in a very complicated situation. I guess what I need from you is friendship or a closure. 🍂

[killyourdemonsinsideyou]

I miss going outside, feel the sun kissing my skin and watch as the sun goes down while waiting for the appearance of the moon gradually shines on me.

I wanna cry so hard to let out the bad feeling I am having right now and as my tears fall to the salt water.

I wanna feel the cold water by the ocean and appreciate how the water endlessly sparkling.

I wanna let the gentle moist and breeze of the ocean to touch my skin lightly as it gives me more comfort.

[killyourdemonsinsideyou]

Naalala ko un araw na tinutugtugan kita ng “Classmate” ng Hambog ng Sagpro Krew. Hahaha. Todo effort para sayo eh, kaso di mo pansin, sakeeet! Hahaha

I learned how to appreciate rap songs because of you kasi gusto mo, dati nung high school ako nakokornihan ako eh, little did I know ung mga lyrics ng mga ganun klaseng kanta are relatable.

Alam na alam ko na sinabi mo na pag pinatugtog ko lang ung mga peyb rap songs mo, isipin ko na nakikinig ka din, kainis kasi eh, nawala ka sa Discord di ko tuloy mabalikan un mga messages dun. Tskkk.

Anyway madali ako makalimot pero buti na lang naaalala ko pa yun mga ganung bagay. Charot! Hahaha. Nakakapagod ka lang isipin eh, itutulog ko na lang habang nakikinig ng rap songs, question lang, nakikinig ka din ba now?

[killyourdemonsinsideyou]

Hi ChingChing!

Kumusta ka na jan heaven? I-apir mo kami kay Jazz at Bart ah? 🐾 Sobrang sad ko kasi di man lang kita mayakap at nakita bago ka mawalan ng hininga 😭 Mal and Eckel were crying with me after our videocall with Mama na nakita namin na matigas na un katawan mo at hindi ka na talaga humihinga 😔 I am so proud kay Eckel when he was saying his prayers na nasa heaven ka na 💕

We were deeply sad lalo na malayo kami jan sayo, nasa bed kaming 3 and nagiiyakan about sa nangyari sayo. Mag 9 years old ka sana this November kaso magbbirthday ka na jan sa heaven. Ikaw ang peyborit kong doggo and lalo na I have witnessed ung paglaki mo, Idk kung bakit ChingChing un pinangalan ko sayo nun tho hindi ka pa ganun ka chubby nun. Hehe. Do you missed pur walks together with Mal? Bago pa dumating si Eckel lagi natin nagagawa un.

Thank you for being the best doggo 🐶 ChingChing 💖 Wala ng manghahabol ng daga sa bahay, hehe. Kahit moody ka, love na love kita. It is hard to see Eckel and Mal crying here with me, masakit sobra. Wala ng sasalubong sa gate namin na excited na excited kapag pauwi na kami 😭 😭

Rest in Peace ChingChing 07.10.20 🐕 💕

Posted at 1:16am of 07.11.20

[killyourdemonsinsideyou]

5 days after my Birthday

I will never ever forget the moment you’ve finally messaged me after a year or so. The chat head of my messenger popped out in my phone with your photo on it. You greeted me 5 days after my birthday and you mentioned to me that someone told you about it. I dunno what to actually feel *sigh*, happy, because you messaged me after a freaking long time? Or sad that you’ve forgotten the day I was born? And knowing someone told you about my birthday but intentionally messaged me days after?

I got lame replies from you and I am kinda nervous on every chat messages I sent to you because I might end up seenzoned again. Geez, is that what you called “traumatized”? Traumatized of being seenzoned? Hilarious indeed! Haha

After that chitchat I dunno what to reply since it felt like that you’re just pushing yourself to message me again. I dunno what you really up to, I want to find out tho yet it seems like you don’t let me to. God knows how I badly want to message you back and share a lot of stuff with you on what is going on in my life even memes! but I think being distant from you is the heartbreaking and yet wise decision I have made.

[killyourdemonsinsideyou]

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you...~ 🎶

Aasa na lang muna ako sa ganda ng kalawakan in-game, wala eh, quarantine. Di masilayan ang gandang natatangi ang mayroon ang kalangitan. Nakakaramdam ako ng lungkot ngayon pero itulog ko na lang, 10mins before 4am na eh. Goodnight everyone :’)

[killyourdemonsinsideyou]

I feel comfortable and relax whenever I see stars in the dark sky but as I stare at this photo I suddenly felt sadness. It’s like I am all alone and something is bothering me? Maybe because the weather is gloomy.

[mienar]

“these stars are for you, child.”

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[killyourdemonsinsideyou]

You can’t appreciate the beauty of light without the help of darkness.

[killyourdemonsinsideyou]

We are in the same world however our fate will never ever collide ...and my inner self keeps on telling me to stop giving any false hopes. 

[killyourdemonsinsideyou]

What A Surprise!?

Little did I know that a small act of kindness can lead me back to you. I messaged your ex-guildmate if he needs returnee accounts for the game in Laplace M, he was thankful that I gave 4 accounts of mine and as a token of appreciation (I guess?) he told me that you were playing the same game I am playing. At first he said we are both in the same server but of course I didn’t believe that (Although how I terribly want to convince myself that it was true).  To be honest I am glad that we will never encounter each other in game but I am very much satisfied that we both shared happy and sad but yet memorable moments together way back. Okay na un! Hahaha As I am sitting down in the Shrine, I can’t stop thinking how badly you want to forget about me chiefly you have changed your ign from Fade to Muzy. 

[killyourdemonsinsideyou]

Okaaaay. I dreamed about him today. Langya, pati ba naman sa panaginip nahihiya pa ako sayo? Errr...~ HAHAHA. We were in the theme park together, then un Ate ko pinupush ako i-arbor sayo un wrist band mo (The wrist band was like color yellow or red something, yellow na lang para fave color ko. Ayyiieee~ HAHAHA). I dunno bakit ganun panaginip ko. Does that mean, wag na ako mahiya mag-initiate ng conversation with you? I-chat na ba kita? HAHAHAHA. Syempre di na ako magiging marupok, wag na, tolerable pa naman. I know di magandang excuse ang COVID-19, Quarantine and Lockdown para kausapin ka pa. Ilang months na nga tayong di nagkakausap eh, ngayon pa ba? HAHAHAHA :))

[killyourdemonsinsideyou]

I’ve been dreaming about you for several times.

Maybe, I badly need a closure from you, I guess?

I’ve been thinking of dropping you some messages but you’ll definitely ignore it. Surely.

I am happy to see you in my dreams, at least we have time to talk and reunite there.

Even I am not able to control everything from there.

I miss your messages and calls.

I miss us.

I miss you. You.

[pre-party]

Play this, you won’t regret it.

[killyourdemonsinsideyou]

Do you miss me like I miss you?

[killyourdemonsinsideyou]

I am so lost. It’s been 6 months.

6 months of not talking to you.

6 months of not playing with you in-game.

6 months without goodmornings and goodnights from you.

6 months of hoping you to read my messages online.

6 months of waiting for you to message me back.

6 months of wanting you.

I don’t know why I can’t accept the fact that you are no longer with me hence, you’re only part of the good memories I had in the year 2019.

I want you to know what my heart wants to say.

I want you.

I need you.

I like you.

I love you.

But now you’re gone and you don’t really mind what I feel for you, it does hurt. I am hurt so bad.

I hate this kind of feeling, feeling lost.