Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will break our hearts.
When I first titled this, I thought to myself, "this sounds like a blog posting about me not knowing who I am." Well partially, I guess it is; but moreover, it's probably closer to a blog posting about who I never want to be.
As the summer has progressed and I continue to go through the mundane activities that school beholds, I have begun to notice the person I have been. I suppose with ample time to sit around and think, a person can really get to know themselves, and honestly, I am terribly disappointed with my current self. Thats not me saying I have low self esteem, or I am not comfortable with myself; in fact, I might be a little over-zealous on the confidence factor. Yikes. But, I am terribly disappointed with how I have been treating others. Never in my life have I been a person that has taken pleasure in tearing another person down, because I know what that feels like. When I was a kid, specifically 1st-8th grade, I was constantly being picked on by other kids. Kids laughed at me and they called me names, my favorite being "Jolly Green Giant", as it was an accurate depiction of me in the 1st grade: 5 feet tall, 100 lbs, short curly hair, and a pinky sized gap to go with. I remember thinking how cruel kids could be and telling myself I would never treat anyone the way I was treated. Here I am, 21 years old, and can testify that not only can kids be brutal, but so can grown-ups. I know this because I have been one of those mean "grown-ups" lately.
It really hit me today, when my friends and I were in the library and I made a comment about a girl...(I'm too ashamed of what I said to even repeat it to my 1 follower who happens to be my best friend). This girl I know, and actually really enjoy being around, she's funny and painfully nice; basically, has never done a thing to me, or anyone for that matter, that would be remotely unfriendly. Yet, I chose to tear her apart. After making this comment and laughing briefly about it with my friends, there was this overwhelming remorse that took over me. Not the kind of remorse you got as a kid when you stole a cookie from the cookie jar before dinner, but the kind of remorse that makes you feel like dirt. Honestly, I deserved this remorse; it ate away at me all day, because I knew the hurt I would have caused this girl had she heard the comment. Who the heck had I become? A person who takes pleasure in another's pain. A person who's satisfaction only occurs at another's expense. A person who does not value the uniqueness of people. A person who does not understand the heart of the very life they claim to live.
A person who is not a person at all.
So this "discovery" of the person I have been lately has lead me to the "discovery" of the person I never want to be, which in turn has lead me to the "re-discovery" of who I hope to become: caring, joyful, consistent, reverent, without jealousy, understanding, and uplifting. If this is all I ever accomplish in life, then I will have lived life fully, and without regret. Life is a short thing, too short to be tearing others apart and losing sight of what really matters.
Today's thought progression has left me with this conclusion: people aren't perfect, they aren't supposed to be, and it's time to stop trying to fit different people into the same mold, and then blaming them for not fitting.