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bloodless wound pt.2; Christmas present

at first, everything seems so right. we would tell our boundaries to each other, to prevent us from getting hurt. here’s mine. for me, I value loyalty. I would not tolerate any kind of cheating, whether it is physically, or verbally. that’s it.

I was in my busiest days due to my University life. I have to stay awake in my University for more than 36 hours every 4 days. Not only that, I have tons of assignments to be finished (mostly my deadlines were only 1-3 days), yet I still make time for him. To hang out with him and all.

This is the strange part. Our relationship were going well. But I got sad by listening to a 1 particular sad song. Like it happened to me. But I shook it off, telling myself that it was me being odd.

Then 2-3 weeks after that, Christmas Eve came (my most favourite time of the year other than my birthday), so I spent it with him. You see, I guess it is normal if you love someone, and you want to spend your special days and share it with them? back to the story. On Christmas Eve, I saw a text from his ex (I asked for his permission to open it), and I saw that she sent a bunch of their old pictures. Therefore I politely ask her to stop. Here’s what I said “Hi, can I ask you not to send those kind of pictures to him anymore? Because he already has a girlfriend. Thankyou”. (I asked for his permission as well). And the next day, Christmas day came. He was being odd. Being silent and anxious.

Suddenly he said “I want to tell you something. But I don’t want you to be mad.” I really couldn’t guess the worst tho. I thought whatever it was, I would be okay. So he continued “I had sex with my ex (that girl who texted him) twice.” And from this point, I keep on asking stupid questions that I know would hurt me even more, such as “when?”. He answered “when you started getting busy.” But why tho?. “I was just bored. Nothing else. No feelings involved. But it was only for 5 minutes and I didn’t even orgasm. I felt guilty so I stopped, even tho she begged me to continue”. I just don’t get it. I he felt guilty, why was there even a second time? I cried and went back home by myself. Hurt. Disappointed. I was thinking to end my life there because I’m just so tired with all the sadness in my life. Then I opened my IG (yes because I needed a distraction from being suicidal). And I saw a message sent from someone who I didn’t follow. It was her ex and her exs’ friend. They made a gridded picture, posted it on their IG story for the public to see, and tagged me and my boyfriend, saying “Bitch, your boyfriend is not even in our league. Chill. Oops I forgot, a bitch can’t think”. (this part got me stunned. Her friend is the one who had sex with someone’s boyfriend, and I’m the “bitch”? errr...). It surely wasn’t helping me, opening IG as a distraction :) another stupid decision that I made. By the time, my boyfriend kept sending me texts. saying he’s sorry and asking for a second chance. He saw that post. But never defended me.

2019′s Christmas Present.

#nighttalk #brokenheart #story time

bloodless wound

hi, from me.

A little bit of background introduction of me before this long post I’m going to write. I’m a girl, with her ordinary heart breaking love story. Back when I was in high school. I have a best friend and he was a boy. I could say that we were quite close as I always tried my best to be there for him when he needed me. He did too for some times. But not long after that, when we were in University, I lost a precious family member. I got into a depressive state. I needed someone to talk to and so I searched for him. I remember he said to me “I can’t. I have some assignments to make with my University friends.”. But hey, that time, social media was already big. I found our mutual friends posted a story of them partying. He basically was there to be able to get laid. And so I realised that he doesn’t worth to be my friend anymore. I cut all connections with him. Around 2 years later, out of nowhere he sent me a private IG story, of his ‘particular’ blood laboratory test and said “thank you”. Yes. I don’t even get what he’s playing at. So I ignored him. Some days after that he texted me. Asking me to meet up with him. I thought well okay why not, it has been 2 years and I do want to know how was he. I wanted to fill those missing 2 years information. After I met him I realised there has been a lot changes in him (in a good way. He used to be so arrogant but I didn’t sense that vibe anymore). So we talked. Basically he got into a lot of trouble. Teenage boys problem. Drugs, prostitutes, and later on, jail. He told me that getting into jail changed him. He stopped the drugs and prostitutes part right after he got bailed out. And then here comes the foolish part. Our conversations continued everyday. And our relationship changed into a romantic one.

#nighttalk #brokenheart #story time

quotemadness

I didn’t like having to explain to them, so I just shut up, smoked a cigarette, and looked at the sea.

Albert Camus (via quotemadness)

poemswords

don’t misunderstand my silence

my ignorance

my expression

as “strong”

don’t barge in my life

telling me what to do

telling me what to be

telling me who I am

telling me all the right things

you think were right

when all you did

when I was sunk

drown in the ocean

eaten by sea monsters

gasping for air

for my dear life

was living in a cage

made of glass

sparkling

but distorted

-i am not a robot that will do everything as you wish

#quotes #angst

In the name of the stars, you’re my only light.

In the name of the seasons, you’re my only spring.

In the name of the songs, you’re my only melody.

quotemadness

I wonder why I can’t run that fast in my dreams.

Jon Bellion (via quotemadness)

quotemadness

The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it is not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of the other person—without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other.

Osho (via quotemadness)

quotemadness

Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (via quotemadness)