- The scrambled story of how I became a bitter person.
"She left me for the second time, the day after Valentine's day.. It would have been four years the 28th of next month. I remember I wasn't able to cry, so I think the rain was falling almost only to serve my purpose. "
"Malakaï warned me this would happen. So once again I find myself a fool to not have listened to another wise man's words. <... you're leaving her to the wolves, the vultures... >. No place for guesses now. I find myself the only one to blame."
"I'm happy.. Jealous.. But happy. But jealous! And that's the last one. Or so I think. At least, that's what I want to tell myself. She's safe, and as long as she feels happy, it's somewhat of a piece of peace I can hold to.
But the worst part of the pain, is that I have brought it upon myself. Now, ain't that a bitch? "
"Powerless. No lyrics to get me through this time of torment.. No focus to extract the melodies these feelings <<provide>>. Hell! Not even the faintest echo of these little saviors. Just, the torture of constantly realizing; there's no turning back now. No friends, no family, no <<her>>. Just me, back with my demons and fears, set to walk this lonely road once more. "
" Sleep!? Can't do it right anymore, ever since I had the money in my hand to book my flight back. Uncertainties were never strangers to me, but these ones were meaner than any I've dealt with.
Will we ever be together again like this? I asked myself many nights as I watched her sleep.. As I held her closer, as if trying to record her shape into my body, for as long as I could keep myself awake from the unhealthy routine of the past days.
No faith, no hope. <A sheep waiting for time to pass and bring the day of slaughter>. I admit I zoned out many times that day, but Malakaï's words seam all so clear now."
"I hide from the world around me in many ways.. And she knows about a few of them.
I still sit on the floor with the lights off and door locked from time to time.. But I doubt remembering the last times I did. Can't even sleep awake anymore.
As I write this and try to think of an appropriate wall to post it.. I just realize everyone is everywhere these days. And I'm not quite the open person I'd like to think I am.
Maybe I'm just afraid it'll hold her back.
And that.. That doesn't make it into the list of anything I'd want to do.
So I'm hiding this from her too!
This is how, in this day ang age, I'm hiding myself from the world. Writing my life in drafts that I know I'll forget about."
"OH, time! Why you run away from me?
All these things I have undone,
look what you take away from me!
Already took away my sweetness,
now you leave me with no salt.
All I've got from you is bitter,
Bitter, bitter.. Bitter me! 😒"
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