HOPE, AND WHAT FEEDS IT

hope ablaze in the heart: luminous, agonizing

[kindleling]

⠀⠀⠀KINDLELING⠀:⠀a writing blog for an original character based in pathfinder and other tabletop games. 21+. highly private. sporadically written by spector (she/her).

　　　carrd　╱　prompts　╱　character studies　╱　headcanons 　　　2 threads　╱　3 prompts 　　　paired with @varnling

⠀⠀⠀A STUDY OF⠀:⠀woman as a field on fire. holding hope by the blade. wildflowers. burning without burning out. ashes as fertilizer. rising again, and again, and again. the bizarre social norms of a nation made entirely of demon hunters. secretly thinking everyone is a demon until proven otherwise. having a plan to kill everyone you meet— in case they're a demon.

[yamuenai]

in the same moment, hishima is tracing the jagged periphery of her inner turmoil , winding a barbed skein of doubts around his knuckles - ACUTELY COGNIZANT OF HOW LITTLE EFFORT IT WOULD TAKE TO UNTANGLE THEM FROM HER THOUGHTS & how it would ease some of the tension from her frame , identical to those silent nights he had placed his palm solidly against her forehead . & yet , encased by the river & the isolated bubble of Imagination it forms - how everything flows in , but in defiance of logic , never seems to flow out - hishima is robbed of the means to disperse it . it's in this comprehension that redirecting her emotions would mean BEARING THEM HIMSELF , OR ALLOWING THE RIVER TO FEED THEM BACK TO HER , that he grasps why it is she frequents this place .

he again feels her gentle gravity urge his form into motion - but accustomed to his own carefully curated emotional distance , he remains DUTIFULLY APART .

" shibuya yet stands , " his shadow stands steadfast against the damp , graffiti-sprawl of concrete , split , duplicated , & contorted into four mirrors of his sturdy form . " grieve it not . "

[kindleling]

her fingers trace over the black line of a paint marker sketch, any matching marks long buried in the subsequent layers of paint that coat the rubicon. hishima's words reach her but she's too focused on the slick line scrawled by someone just as old as the tunnel itself, following the thread of her imagination back to the fresh walls of the river - and never back again. the weight of sentiments struggling to arrange themselves into words presses against her tongue, leaving her listless. a fragment of shibuya, as it's always been, as it had been before her, is right here in her hands: a tangible link to what once was.

⠀ ⠀"it didn't, once," spoken so softly it barely seems deliberate. then, with a firmer, stronger voice, one she recognizes as her own, she continues: "you weren't... it was before you came here. all of you."

⠀ ⠀tsuki pivots, her boots scraping roughly against the layer of grime and damp pebbles. "i don't know the details - probably never will. every time i try to think about what happened in those three weeks, it gets... hazy. but i remember the o-pins."

⠀ ⠀even now she squints, eyes falling to an invisible point between the two of them, like even that memory is half-gone. "i remember the whole city droning the same words on repeat. and when kitaniji gave me the o-pin, i knew it too: to right the countless wrongs of our day..."

two hundred thousand voices speaking as one, and her next clear memory is sho, crumpling the pin like paper in his hand. 

crunch. 

⠀ ⠀"that can't happen again. i won't let it."

[yamuenai]

@krillcount : "there’s no secret remorse there. i simply don’t have it in me." tsuki wakes up and chooses violence every single day

her voice is scarcely more than a murmur echoed in the cavernous tunnel , swallowed by the constant drone of water rushing somewhere unseen . hishima scrutinises her outlined form from his spot on the steep concrete apron of the river's channel , attempting to discern IF THE WORDS ARE INTENDED FOR HIM , a six-metre chasm between them that seems indelibly etched into his psyche — as though the measured physical separation can salvage their RAPIDLY DETERIORIATING emotional divide . 

the steel in her voice triggers a prickling discomfort that ascends his backbone , his teeth grinding against the acid drop of a REALITY CHECK that forms a hard edge against her radiant resolve . it's a sentiment he feels had been plucked directly from his past , parroted far in the future by the peculiar properties of the shibuya river .

" a grudge against Them isn't unique to you , " he retorts , words steeped in palpable cynicism . " & your erasure at Their hands won't be unique , either . "

[kindleling]

hishima's gaze prickles at the back of her head like the cold edge of a knife. she should either be used to how he can peel her apart one handful of words at a time, or should have listened to every single part of her that told her to leave, to forget it, forget him, because of how easily he can flay her alive. 

but she's still here. 

he is, too: equally as scalded by her. maybe there's something to say about liking the pain, or maybe they're just the same type of self destructive — or maybe she's stuck on the fact that she doesn't know, even after the months they've spent sinking into each other's cracks. who else would she allow to know but him?

who else would he allow himself to know but her?

⠀   ⠀"it's not just about me," tsuki murmurs, her fingers idly tracing the jagged outline of a hewn piece of concrete. "it's about everyone the higher plane's ever fucked around with. every time some self-absorbed featherhead gets bored and turns two hundred thousand lives to dust."

her jaw sets hard around the memory. she tosses the concrete pebble into the river below, ripples slicing the frigid black, sound punctuating the loss. it's been three years since the composer's game and they're still being punished for it.

[mcflymemes]

"I ACCIDENTALLY TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU AND NOW WE'RE FINALLY TALKING ABOUT IT" PROMPTS *  assorted dialogue, adjust as necessary

so... about what happened back there.

did you mean it?

was that the truth?

i'm really glad you told me.

how long have you known?

i'm glad you were the braver of the two of us.

what was that all about?

it sort of... slipped out.

does this change anything between us?

you wouldn't happen to feel the same way, would you?

i just need some time to think.

you make it hard for me to think straight.

what the hell were you thinking back there?

that was a pretty big confession you made back there.

did you mean to blurt that?

so... can we talk about what happened?

are you angry at me?

it was a long time coming, that's for sure.

what if i said i love you, too?

it was the heat of the moment.

that was the wrong place, wrong time!

what on earth are you talking about?

i didn't mean to say it like that.

i told you the truth.

i think i'm just in shock.

it's a lot to consider.

you made things a bit awkward.

i thought i'd never see you again.

did you have to go and say it in front of them?

it was an accident. i didn't mean it.

i thought we agreed we wouldn't cross that line.

you said... "i love you."

i feel the same way, you know.

friends don't say stuff like that.

everything i said was the truth.

i'm not mad, i just need to think about it for a while.

this is a lot to process.

you could have waited to say that.

that wasn't fair.

i think i love you back.

i can't change how i feel.

maybe i've been feeling this way for a long time.

you didn't know?

i think i feel the same way.

i'm not sure what to believe.

we were about to be separated... it slipped out.

i thought i was about to die. i figured i should tell you the truth before that happened.

i can tell you're mad.

we're just friends!

cut the bullshit. tell me the truth.

maybe we should talk about this another time.

stop beating around the bush.

well... that happened.

were you ever going to tell me?

you just made things ten times more awkward.

once this is all over... let's talk about this again.

maybe we can work things out after all.

for what it's worth... i feel the same way.

[yamuenai]

his eyes betray the brief flicker of surprise at her touch, only for the icy resilience he wears like a shield to swiftly reclaim its place . the crimson curve of red's meticulously lacquered talon traces a trail from the glistening brim of her drink & straight to his Soul , for how his hair stands on end where her nail hovers . an undeniable THRUMMING , more than the bassline in the air , picks up between them ; it tugs him aflame by the hazy tangle of want he could lose himself in , & YET , & YET , & YET .

" i was , " hishima responds, sharp & concise. HE LACKS ANY REASON TO DENY IT ; his intention with her that evening have always been unambiguous . his whiskey tumbler hovers tentatively at his lips before committing to another drink . " are you in pursuit of a repeat performance ? "

in that initial , unexpected exchange of glances , hishima had absorbed far too much of her: since leaving shiba aloft his puppet strings , he's found it impossible to confront his own reflection . chasing her , then , could only be considered an alcohol-fueled act of self-destruction , well aware of the idiocy but advancing tentatively regardless , as if cautiously extending his hand into the maw of a lion could somehow coax it not to strike .

WHY , THEN , DOES HE DO IT ONCE MORE ?

[kindleling]

a triumphant smile blazes across tsuki's face. with a stony expression like that, she was worried she'd have to drag him along by those obnoxious square-lined lapels. now she's got her mind set on a much more satisfying set of plans for them, leaning subtly closer, drumming a gentle staccato against his skin. considering her options.

⠀ ⠀"let's chalk it up to scientific curiosity," she says. maybe it's the warm lights above them that make her shed a soft flow, or maybe it's just her; everything about the club seems amplified, neon, louder than life. "i've got a hypothesis, and i'd like to test it."

a pause. her eyes flit briefly downward, landing on his glass that contains more meltwater than whiskey. a tragedy. and one she's about to correct, if he lets her.

⠀ ⠀"... over another round of drinks," she gestures for a waitress. "if you're game, that is."

[kindleling]

mojave sees me sign in at work and comes right for my throat

[cnvltn]

a hyena's cackle erupts abruptly from him , edges so sharp they CLEAVE clean through the stagnation of this truly monotonous evening .

" trading an integer for an irrational ? YOU'VE GOT ODD TASTE , IDEALIZER . "  he sits taller by 0.5 centimeters , electrified with a satisfaction emanating from the corners of his twisted grin . topology has never tasted as sweet as it does now , this potential love triangle folding into a line segment . " can't say i blame you , though ; sum all the yoctograms in shibuya , they're still one standard deviation from 0 ! "

[kindleling]

she scrunches her face as if disliking the statement enough will disprove it mathematically. and she still can't quite face him after basically confessing she likes him more than her failed boyfriend-to-be, busying herself twiddling the knobs on her sound system like it isn't already tuned to her liking. it gives her exactly enough space to marshal together her last scraps of energy into a sigh so heavy it could be the room's third occupant.

       "why do i even bother?" she doesn't even know who she's posing the question to. gravity pulls her gaze down to the floor, and presses heavily down on her as she tosses her body onto the couch opposite sho. maybe she's asking him, for how pitiable the hapless frustration oh her face is.

[yamuenai]

⠀⠀@krillcount: "Please don’t judge me, but I really enjoyed it." heuheueheuheuehueeuehehe

red , once again materialising amidst the vibrato of club music & strobe-infused haze ; red , moving to occupy the vacant seat across from him with an ease that , surely , must have been choreographed in advance ;  RED , IGNITING WITHIN HIM AN INSTANT REGRET for leaving it unclaimed in the first place . he regards her with a bitter fascination , knocking back water-logged whiskey to seize an ice cube between bone-white teeth . 

" you were vocal about as much at the time . " the sudden chill of the ice pricks his mouth as he DEFENSIVELY CRUSHES IT . despite being well-versed in slashing the airy dreams of delicate hopefuls , he knows the challenge the shorthand poses ; knows the significance of allocating it , of her frequent appearances in his mind's chatter over the past few days . even after he reduces her heart to anonymous rubble , the distance will come too late to spare either from harm . THAT , DOUBTLESS , IS THE THING THAT HAS DAMNED THEM BOTH .

[kindleling]

last week had been practically wordless: a familiarity that stripped her down the instant they made eye contact— a feeling that must have struck him, too, because he came to her, and then there was just instinct and their bodies moving together beneath a dim halo of light.

she hadn't anticipated him coming out swinging (but should have, considering her type) and so isn't ready for it, the remark earning him a puff of laughter, half shocked, half sincere.

       "yeah, i was," she agrees playfully. she's got her ember-dark eyes locked onto him in a way that can only be a challenge, live-wire boldness mixed with inexperience. if he's trying to push her away, then he's failing; she's not cowed by his abrupt remark; pointedly, tsuki draws one of her glossy nails forward, claw-link, setting its tip laden with potential on the back of his hand. ready to make a mark. happy to add an eleventh to the ten she's already etched into him. "and you were all ears for it."

[cnvltn]

⠀⠀@krillcount : ' just so you know, I never do this.’ hehehehheheheheh

" SPARE ME THE FAKE MODESTY , " he drawls , crashing into 29's plush parabolic chair , a jagged intrusion of python print & spikes sinking into offwhite fluff along an x³ curve . his black hand sweeps a wide arc , swatting some unseen irritant , a useless fraction . " i don't give a digit about variables that aren't my own . MULTIPLY AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE ; it's not my fault the pathetic ellipsoid hit the bricks at the sight of me . "

[kindleling]

⠀       ⠀"that's not—" it should have come out scathing, or at least annoyed, but of all the things she's feeling what's loudest is her inability to truly give a fuck about the potential one night stand sho's ruined. her exasperation is purely performative; he'd know it by the way the anger doesn't twinge her lips, just wide-eyed shock at his accusation of... what? that she'd have sex? saying either of them felt the need to be defensive about that would be laughable, if she felt like laughing, but when she opens her mouth again all that comes out is a resigned sigh. "honestly, the guy was a total snorefest." 

her lacquered nails clack against her phone in a continuing effort to distance herself from the previous topic. the apartment air begins to tremble with reverbed-out piano, reflecting in a space much larger than her densely-packed 1k. it sinks into her green-gray rug, her unmade bed, her collection of succulent plushes, her shoulders, gut, and head, unwinding a bit of the tension from her form. 

⠀       ⠀she chances a sidelong glance. chances her words, too, knowing what the sentence to come is going to do to his ego. "i think i'd rather spend the night with you."

[precambrianhottopic]

(visibly shaking and covered in blood) yeah its just been kind of a long week haha