I think all that is said is valid and overall agree, but there’s a bit I want to add here.
If you are one of these people who use to practice harmful behaviors or have harmful beliefs (which, most of us are), and you run into people who are a part of the marginalized group said behavior and beliefs harmed and they openly distrust or avoid you, you are allowed to:
- Be distressed and have big feelings about the knowledge that there are just people who will never trust you again.
- Seek guidance and counsel from others (who aren’t a part of the above group) about these feelings.
You are not, however, ever allowed to:
- Whine that a marginalized person looking out for themselves and their community is being “mean”, or “unfair”, or “won’t let you change”.
- Use their distrust of you as an excuse to not put in the work.
The harsh truth is: for some people you have crossed a moral event horizon of sorts. That is to say, you’ve done something they can never forgive or something that irreparably breaks trust. Everyone has these lines; this is a normal human thing. It’s something I learned as I left my teen years; things I did to others that they will live with the scars of for the rest of their days. I can’t take that back and they have no obligation to forgive me or accept me into their life or their space or even their community.
This isn’t said to discourage you, this is said to refocus your efforts. In fact, another hard truth is: if your desire to change comes from a yearning for external validation (forgiveness), your change isn’t sustainable. Baby steps are important and it’s GREAT that you recognize any hurt you caused and want to do right by those people, but there must come a point where it stops being about wanting “to do right by [them]” and instead simply doing as right as you can.
I can hardly believe I’m quoting my mother here but one of the best pieces of advice she gave me was “stop being so attached to the outcome, that’s why you’re always anxious”. This is relevant because she often told me this after I put in a lot of work for something and it didn’t turn out and I would always wonder “lady what? I care a lot, this means a lot to me, why wouldn’t I be attached to it”. But as an adult it clicked for me, what she meant was to stop obsessing over things you can’t control. In this world, the only thing you can control is your actions. Not what your actions bring, not have people react to them, not how things turn out. None of that. Just you and your actions. So when you set out to do the work, to rehabilitate and unlearn harmful behavior and beliefs, remember that you can’t control how people will receive you.
Some people hate you forever. Some people will keep their distance. Some people with give you a chance, but only one or just a few. Some people may even accept you with open arms unconditionally. But regardless of how anyone reacts, you need to stay the path. The work needs to be done whether the sun shines or the clouds roll in.
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