“do you think it possible you choose when you see me?” she asked, her tone low; though it did not shake, nor did she find herself wrapped up in anger or upset when speaking to him. the woman was hardly a stranger to the importance of politics, diplomacy and the notion of putting a kingdom first; and yet, within the first few weeks and months of her marriage, perhaps she realised that the notion of what their kingdom was to be, that fateful day in the sept, had not been entirely same on both sides. “you know, sometimes it feels like you forget who i am.”
“i abandoned them, rowan. they did not abandon me.” tyland was entirely his own piece on this chessboard; but she thought of how she did not even allow jason a chance to be there for her, how she had dragged aliza into a mess that could be her own end, calla, leo and lanna … lanna, who she hadn’t even been able to see put to rest. and arron, as much as he tested her.
“it was me that left, even when he gave me the chance to stay. because i thought i knew what i was leaving for.” it was love, and that had remained; she felt it when he merely entered a room, dark orbs that were like warmth itself to her, safe, secure. how she would pull him from any darkness, as he had shown her the world that night atop the mountains of the moon. “i left not only for love, but respect.”
she stopped now, squeezing his hand slightly before pulling it away. “speaking honestly? i don’t feel as though you have shown me the respect of a wife - i am your wife. it is about more than how you speak with me within these walls and within our castle, it is about how you stand beside one another. i stayed quiet and refrained from involving myself in politics, i became pregnant with your heir, i tried my hardest to become accommodated to the ways of the vale and the kingdom. and i had to watch silently as your council tugged at you to break ties with the people that are the reason for what you saw tonight.”
“how do you think i felt, watching graham royce petition you to do what you should have done the minute i left everyone?”
there were no tears, no shake in her voice; only looked upon his eyes as she had so many times before. “what use is breaking with the ironborn, when you remained, remain, entangled with the targaryens themselves? who made the order, rowan?” he would deny it, she knew he would; but the root of his love for daemon targaryen was a strong one. “i only married you, despite everything, because i knew your father father agreed to it and daemon himself withheld such information from you.
“i would have thrown us to the wind, should i have known you knew. you were in the dark then, but you’re not now, and you still continued…”
she stiffened slightly, desperate to know if he understood her. if he saw where she was coming from. “if it was your sisters who were forced to witness slaughter, and looting and rape, and have their innocence stolen from them in such a way, we both know it would be entirely different, wouldn’t it? even now, we are neutral; and yet you speak to me time and time again of your issues with caerella’s decisions. you are not family, are you? so why is it you repeatedly seem to give her the time of day over the likes of daemon’s legacy? what of ours? mine? what is it that constantly seems to bring you back to what she does?”
her eyes had hardened now - even if she did not know it.
“if you wish to protect daemon targaryen’s legacy so much, go and wed his fucking sister so you can have constant watch of what she does to kings landing, for the love of the gods. allow me the pride i have left.”
the ringing of silence filled the room. in the distance, the soft echoes of crackling flames that illuminated behind them could be heard. he stayed silent for a stretch of time, not utterling a word out of respect for her, allowing her the space to share her thoughts. she was selfless; always willing to silence her own wants, to sacrifice her own needs, to ensure his own happiness.
he spoke just above a whisper to her, "it seems it is not me who chooses when to see you, but rather it is you who chooses which side of you want me to see." he moved from his knees, lifting himself up and sitting on the bed next to her. "who are you then, gwen?" he doesn't wait for her answer, doubtful she would even answer such a question. "i don't want secrets between us, but it feels as though you will not let me all the way in."
he couldn't help but shake his head and let out an irritated sigh at the mentioning of her family. "no, don't you dare do that." she was internalizing it all. blaming herself for a choice her family made. "do not feel guilty for what they chose to do. you didn't abandon them, they abandoned you. they would rather abandon their own sister than allow for you to experience even an ounce of happiness."
a sense of overwhelming emptiness washed through him when she pulled her hand from his own. he felt an ache form in his chest and she shared her feelings. her true feelings. it was clear that this conversation between them was desperately needed, but at the same time, he also knew it was easier for her to focus on him. for his faults. rather than to look inwards at herself. his dark umber orbs remained on her green hued ones, the bond between them was being tugged into two separate directions.
he felt a flash of irritation spark within him at her next argument. he shook his head. he rises from the bed and moves to the other side of the room. she was looking at the situation one-sided; clearly overwhelmed by her own, and rightfully so, feelings of betrayal. the crownlands was the vale's strongest ally; the one kingdom that would come to their aid if they needed it. was he expected to put the needs of the people he served for her own? and while yes, his close relationship with the targaryen king made it more challenging for him to walk away, it wasn't the main reason. "you expect me to rush into a decision that would leave our kingdom vulnerable? leave an alliance while your brother is aligned with one of the strongest kingdoms in westeros?"
he turned from her, brushing a hair through his dark curls before he turns to her. "why didn't you tell me this is how you felt when we eloped?" he stood still, not taking his gaze off her. "do you know what scares me the most? the fact i am willing to forsake everything if it means securing your happiness, eve. and as a king, that is a horrible thing for me to admit. i have ended my alliance. i have bought scorpions. i have not spoken to caerella in months. most would consider such acts as a proclamation of war." he answered, his voice dripping with both frustration and desperation, "i don't know what more you want from me." he was tired of people telling him what to do. telling him how to think. how to feel.
"do you want to throw us to the wind now? because if so, then please speak up. don't just sit there and rip me apart. i will not stand here and let you insult me by questioning my love for you.t." he felt a pang of pain form at the back of his throat; hurt by the harshness of his words and her willingness to dismiss everything they built together. "and yet, here you sit pointing out all my faults and still not confessing for whatever the hell you and your cousin are up to. i cannot be by your side if you keep me out like this."
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