Weāre lying in the sun, getting pleasantly sloshed, when Halsey confesses that sheās read aĀ story I wrote for Rolling Stone in April, about Planned Parenthood and a miscarriage I had. āI felt like I was suffocating reading that article,ā she says. āLike someone put a shopping bag over my head. I didnāt want to meet you at all. I was really terrified of you, because I knew as soon as I saw you, I was going to need to tell you that last year on tour I got pregnant.ā Then, at a breathless pace, sheās describing being in a hotel room in Chicago beforeĀ Badlands even came out, back when her whole career could have easily been ruined (āWhat happens? Do I lose my record deal? Do I lose everything? Or do I keep [the pregnancy]? What are the fans going to think? What are the moms going to think? What is the Midwest going to think? Whatās fucking everyone going to think?ā), and before she can even decide what to do, sheās screaming on a hotel bed, bloody, naked from the waist down, hours before sheās to go onstage. āIām like, āI have to cancel this show!ā And everyoneās kind of like, āWell, itās Vevo LIFT, and itās 3 million impressions, so ā¦ā No one knew what to do.ā Eventually, Halsey sent her assistant to the drugstore to buy adult diapers. She put one on, took two Percocet and went to the venue to do her job. āItās the angriest performance that Iāve ever done in my life,ā she says, her voice breaking. āThat was the moment of my life where I thought to myself, āI donāt feel like a fucking human being anymore.ā This thing, this music, Halsey, whatever it is that Iām doing, took precedence and priority over every decision that I made regarding this entire situation from the moment I found out until the moment it went wrong. I walked offstage and went into the parking lot and just started throwing up.ā
Halsey says she isnāt sure why she had a miscarriage, but itās easy for her to blame herself. āI beat myself up for it,ā she tells me, ābecause I think that the reason it happened is just the lifestyle I was living. I wasnāt drinking. I wasnāt doing drugs. I was fucking overworked ā in the hospital every couple of weeks because I was dehydrated, needing bags of IVs brought to my greenroom. I was anemic, I was fainting. My body just broke the fuck down.ā The part that bothers her most is that, as insane as it was to play that concert, no one forced her to do it. āI had a choice,ā she says, though she did the thing that made her feel like she didnāt. She looks off toward the fields where children play in the distance. āI want to be a mom more than I want to be a pop star. More than I want to be anything in the world.ā Later, she says, āIām really scared of being alone.ā We sit on the blanket, clutching our drinks. āIām not trying to upset you,ā she says softly. āIām really sorry.ā
- Rolling Stone Magazine