I love how you portray Wanderer. It feels realistic, especially how he'd prefer serving his partner rather than telling them about his thoughts and feelings regarding their relationship. If you don't mind, could you maybe elaborate on how he'd act on physical affection? I can't imagine him showing any physical affection in public, no kisses nor intertwined pinkies or anything. Does he do it in private? Does he even initiate it or does he wait for his partner to do it? How would he feel and react the first time his partner shows any love? I'd think he'd pull away and distance himself. If he has an immortal partner, will things change over time or would he still prefer to keep things private and under wraps?
Sorry for the late reply, anon, and thank you! 😭 In case you’re additionally interested in Wanderer’s general dynamic with immortal!Reader, you can read my thoughts about the topic here.
cw & wc: female reader, 2.6k.
Wanderer is definitely not a man who is apt to express physical affection. Both in public and private, he will prefer to keep things between you ambiguous; to the degree that no one (save for the ever-wise and all-knowing Lesser Lord Kusanali) shall even suspect that you are more than mere acquaintances. While his refusal to prove his feelings for you through tender touches and sweet lip-locking may be partially attributed to the overall coldness of his not-so-congenial character, the underlying reason for dismissing the idea of engaging in acts of intimacy lies – as always – in his past, which greatly influenced his outlook on the world and relationships between people in particular.
As Kabukimono, he almost exclusively interacted with men (who all acted as his guardians/seniors of sorts), and later came to protect the fading embers of life within the body of a sickly child; both as Kunikuzushi and The Balladeer, he robbed others of their sense of belonging and their lives alike. Yet what benignity the puppet by the name of Kabukimono once emanated is no longer permeating his current persona, for he was forever defiled by hatred and violence during his “rebellion phase” – his hands, those same hands that bathed in rivers of blood, cannot ever be cleansed. Now that Wanderer has come to realize the consequences of his past actions and embraced the weight of his sins, he also developed a firm belief that he shouldn’t touch you precisely because of how corrupting his very existence is (unlike his “Scaramouche” self who wouldn’t have rejected the opportunity to befoul you with his caress once in a while just to derive wicked pleasure) – in his mind, any direct contact with you might attract the unwanted danger from those who nurtured a grudge against him (and he’s not into being a “hero” and saving his damsel in distress on the constant basis).
As a fragile human being, you’re too innocent, too pure to be stained by those filthy hands of his, and if something is to indeed happen to you because of his recklessness, he won’t be able to stay sane anymore. If your fingers are to intertwine, if his lips are to plant even the most feather-light of kisses anywhere on your body, you will essentially end up dead... And he doesn’t even fully trust you to suddenly start being all cordial and explicitly loving; he still has not resolved his issues with human reliability, anticipating a betrayal to strike at the moment his sentiments – his only weakness – are bared. It’s an extremely paranoid way of thinking, yes, but he has his rationale for imagining such macabre scenarios – after all, he was always stabbed in the chest whenever he let his feelings out; as such, he is dedicated to keeping his guard up when you’re around because if he is not cautious enough, then he’s making himself (and you) an easy target to strike.
This, along with the factor of absence of both any positive female figure (until he met you, of course) and romance in his life heavily contributes to Wanderer’s reluctance to communicate with you on the physical level – while he is not that oblivious and may possess the necessary knowledge about all kinds of activities couples do, he has zero experience in the field. He may present himself as an overly confident and capable person, but his insides do twist into a nervous mess every time you’re too close for his liking (and he’s excellent at masking his panicking state). He doesn’t know how to behave around you properly without humiliating himself and exposing his vulnerability, for you’re his first partner, his very first woman – so why, pray tell, would you think of him as Prince Genji? He is superficially charming and has a way with words, sure, but he never exploited these traits in endeavors not concerning his shady business within the ranks of Fatui; as a result, he will draw the invisible line between the two of you in order to protect you and his ego – the indelible boundary that shall keep him away from doing anything he deems unwelcome and intrusive.
The only situation in which Wanderer might erase that line would be when you are about to truly disappear from his life. If his usual method of convincing you with words would fail at preventing you from leaving him, he might do something more daring than simply grasping your wrist in an attempt to halt you. In that crucial moment, he wouldn’t be able to control his emotions and subdue his fear – his arms would cage your frame and his lips would rob you of breath. It would be his first kiss and it would be surely a desperate one; the one that would make up for the lack of technique with passion no longer hidden. Any rules that he imposed on himself prior to the event shall be broken, for if the risk wouldn’t be taken, then his purpose – you – would be lost. And since he hates losing things more than being all touchy-feely, he wouldn’t think twice about what needs to be done in order to stop you from going anywhere – he shall act and claim your mouth before it’s too late to regret not taking the action in the first place. If he could preserve your presence with but one forthright kiss, if he could persuade you in this peculiar battle of wet muscles, then sacrificing a piece of his pride is – to cite the certain ninth-ranked guy – a “fair exchange”…
“I wouldn’t have done this if I thought of you as a bothersome pest, you know. Still, I can tell that you’re not yet satisfied... Enlighten me, then. Be open about your desires, and I may as well indulge your every request.
… Hmph, don’t expect this to become a habit. I can’t allow myself to spoil you too much, can I?”
… Though it’s not as if he plans to let you get away with forcing him to violate his principles without compensation to follow.
All in all, aside from the hypothetical situation described above, Wanderer will strive to pretend that your relationship doesn’t even exist (but someone with a keen eye for detail will be able to uncover the secret from the way his voice has this subtle change in it whenever he mentions you or how almost lenient he seems to be about chastising you when you intrude in his matters). He won’t ever initiate physical contact, at least in normal circumstances: it’s one thing when he has to cover your body with his to shield you from harm or hold you in his arms to whisk you away from the potential threat; quite another is to proclaim his ownership over you through kissing or encircle your waist and declare that you are his woman. If he gets too attached to you and immerses himself in the beatitude of love, then he is fated to wake up and suffer even more after your eventual death; therefore, keeping his distance is the best option for him to take – otherwise, he might be tempted to change the unchanged and disturb the not yet healed wounds of his psyche.
(It should be noted that Wanderer’s stance won’t change that much if you’re not a member of the human species because the root of his problem with “display of affection” stems not only from the difference in your life expectancies but your life experiences as well – you’re not equal in your perception of this realm and its cruel rules, that’s the point. But if you were on the “black” side of the chessboard, too (regardless of whether you’re mortal or immortal), then it’s the whole other story).
The once nameless puppet wants to make sure that the second chance given to him won’t be wasted. He wants to obtain inner peace; he wants to walk his own path, not deviate from it and make the same mistake. The status quo needs to be established so as to not make him forget about your short-lived future together, and he’s wholesomely pleased with how the said status quo is maintained so far. As for your own opinions and wants, well…
In all honesty, you should’ve predicted that he wouldn’t be fond of either giving or receiving physical affection – by design, you should respect Wanderer’s wish to be as elusive as possible. But you can be a clingy lady. You can yearn to touch him. It’s perfectly normal for an enamored woman to want to pamper her beloved and make him feel cared for, especially after finding out what he’s been through. It’s not that strange that you’ll want to validate his worth and show that he is loved; that his birth was not the error in the certain God’s judgment and that he deserves to have happiness. How can you not want to cuddle him? How can you not want to squeeze those cheeks of his? How can you not ache to shut that naughty mouth of his with a kiss? Beneath that enormous layer of ice burns a tiny flame that hungers for appreciation to sustain its flare – to you, he is a really cute boy; a bit mean but nonetheless too adorable to ignore! They just can’t see the glitter of gold in his heart, can’t understand the depth of his character – let them say what they want, you won’t even listen to what nonsense their tongues weave, and—
And surprisingly for you, Wanderer won’t oppose you as vigorously as you may have thought. Yes, he’ll say that he doesn’t like to be assaulted by your affection; yes, he’ll carefully pry your hands from his form and evade your next attack, but actually hurt you? He’s harsh but not insane – what if he leaves a bruise or, even worse, makes you bleed? That’s not what he intends to do, Archons forbid! Thus, it’s strongly recommended that you seek his permission first if you do want to touch him that badly – you’ll never know when his defense mechanism will overdo its duty. But even if you seek that permission, he will not hesitate to inform you of his discomfort once your whims are met.
Wanderer will be uncomfortable with your displays of affection, obviously. But this doesn’t mean that he’ll be outright repulsed by them – quite the opposite. At first, he will be uncomfortable because he is not used to being hugged, kissed, and all that stuff. If we are to address his past yet again, it’s kind of self-explanatory – he was never loved romantically by anyone until you came along and this body of his was rarely treated gently. When his “Tatarasuna era” came to its abrupt end, every part of him knew naught but pain afterwards; the pain of being experimented on, the pain of having to withstand constant dissection and reassembly for the sake of both repairing his systems and seizing the power of the divine… It’s something his skin, his very bowels are used to. Abuse is his real mother, so it should be no wonder to you that he’ll flinch ever so slightly when your touch shall finally descend upon his desecrated self. He’ll send you a warning glare and will probably try to take a step back, but if you’re merciful enough to stop beforehand and patient enough to wait until he’s ready to endure the procedure without trembling like a fish struck by lighting, then you’re about to confront the actual improvement.
There will be significant progress, don’t worry. Just… give him some breathing room, okay? Even though he consented to your pleas and was well aware of your intentions, he found himself too shaken to react normally in the end. That composure he’d honed, that dignity he’s so scared of losing… Where were they at that moment? Did he appear as too pitiful, too miserable to be considered superior anymore? Or did he—
Improved Wanderer will be rather confused… in a positive meaning of the word. He’ll remind himself that he’s not a coward to run away from a new experience and distance himself from you just because you had the audacity to hold his hand, no – he shall welcome, albeit not without a bit of stubbornness, any change that disperses the suffocating shadow of the darkness that still haunts him (even at the expense of his arrogance). If anything, this change, this “new experience” you bless him with is confusing because it’s partly tied to the sense of nostalgia he is unwilling to abandon. Once you start with something as harmless as patting his head, he recognizes the remembrance behind the movement instantly – it’s the same sacred, salvific warmth his tough-looking friends weren’t ashamed to give; a pleasant, soothing sensation his childish nature has always demanded, and he shall accept it with a feigned grumpiness (accept but not reciprocate – it’s still out of the question). But once the platonic flavor of your gesture is filled with sensuousness and that feeling of déjà vu is replaced with the emotion hitherto unknown, he shall solve the puzzle and succumb to the dizzying effect of that novelty nevertheless.
Your hand is smaller than that of a swordsmith who gave the pat of praise to the clumsy puppet. Your smile is not parental like that of an old man who stroked the inept doll’s head. Everything about your moves, your expressions… It’s different. Almost. He has to squint and ponder really hard to conclude that your body language is too intimate to be perceived as belonging to a friend. Familiar yet unfamiliar, nostalgic yet refreshing… Ah, so this must be “love” you humans are always talking about… It’s… certainly not bad, he must admit. It’s definitely not vomiting as he thought of it to be. It’s strange yet nice. In a way. Not that he begged for it or anything, but… Since he made a vow to keep you alive even if you dared to invade his personal space and pester him relentlessly, he must tolerate your stupid antics, and…
Too busy muttering that cliché “what is this feeling?” phrase to himself, it will take quite a bit of time for a wide-eyed Wanderer to notice how uncharacteristically obedient you are making him out to be; just like that, with but a mere touch of your hand upon his conveniently available forehead. Even if for a minute, you managed to tame him and hear his supposedly nonexistent heart beating like a captured bird. It’s a precious, an infrequent sight indeed – to see this fiercely independent man, this nasty stray kitten being completely enthralled by your affection... He is a funny guy to look at when he’s unable to bite back. Enjoy this rarity while you can because once Wanderer regains his senses, you won’t get to taste such a treat in the near future (why is his hat now glued to his head, you ask? Guess why, you maniac).
Fine. You’ve won. What is this with that disbelief? Don’t play dumb. You know damn well that he learned to acknowledge his missteps, don’t you? But he won’t be that unprepared next time. He is too clever to fall into the same stupid trap, isn’t he? You won’t embarrass him so easily… In fact, you won’t ever embarrass him again. And don’t think you’ll go on with your day without being punished for what you did to him.
You taught him love. It’s only natural that he’d want you to savor the fruit of your sincerest efforts… To execute you in his unfair, cruel fashion; to let you drink a drop of his own brand of love before things shall return to their clandestine status.
You are but a woman to his eternal puppet. But just for tonight, until the sobering fragrance of morning pays the visit, the importance of those titles shall be buried under the sea of wrinkled pillows and blasphemous moans.
