Kian appreciated the response. He wasn't in the dark about his boyfriend's abilities or job. Knowing about it, accepting it even, didn't mean he was capable of pulling that trigger. Could he do that? Would it change him?
"No, don't be sorry. You merely shed some much needed light on a dark situation." His arms tightened around his boyfriend's frame as he buried his nose against his neck. "I'll read the file in a minute but...if I pull this trigger, is it going to help anyone but me?" He needed to know. Would taking out these two be the right call for anyone but himself.
Kit held Kian close, hand at the back of the dominant's head to encourage him to cuddle however he needed. Maybe Kit was getting good at this boyfriend thing. Maybe.
The question was a good one, one that Kit never really thought too hard about before. Did his actions actually help anyone other than Amari or himself? Could he find a solution that wouldn't let Kian sink to the same depraved depths as himself?
"It depends on how we use the information. You have options that could help some of the people closest to these assholes and maybe some of your other coworkers too." Pulling back, Kit held Kian's face in his hands. "One of those options is letting me handle the messy parts. It's on me, not you. I won't let anything or anyone touch you. Ever." Kit always thought himself someone with a karmic debt he'd never crawl out of. What was another transgression or two? "Take some time to think about it. There's no rush."
Kian nearly dropped the chopsticks he was still holding. Not because of Kit's offer. Or even that there was dirt found. It was more so the extent of the dirt. And not just one person. Two. People he thought were decent. Or at the very least, just incompetent and covering up minor shit. Not something that required trigger fucking warnings. No trusting Kit's information wasn't even in question.
"I need to think about it," he said finally, leaning back in his chair with a sigh. "I'm not saying no. This is just way more than I expected."
Kian turned to his boyfriend with a sad half-smile. "Thank you, really. I know it doesn't seem like it but I am grateful."
"It's totally up to you," Kit said, not wanting to pressure Kian into anything that would damper his strong sense of morality. Kit was not held back by such quandaries, meting out his punishments with a deft and unburdened hand most of the time. It was his bread and butter, an easy answer to a long-asked question. But Kian made it murkier. Kian, who was kind, who believed in people, who didn't deserve the stain of what Kit could do to these people who disappointed him.
"For what it's worth, I'm sorry," he said. And because Kian seemed to like it last time, Kit moved on lanky limbs to slip into the dominant's lap, hugging him close. "I'll do anything you want to make it right. Anything."
He would do anything for Kian. He'd sell his soul to Amari, to the devil, to his own darkness forever, if it meant sparing Kian another sad half-smile.
Kian looked up at the words, just as he shoved noodles into his mouth. He shouldn't have been surprised. He'd gave Kit the go ahead after all. But was he really ready to hear it? Would he ever be? Probably not. He hated being disappointed in people. He took a moment to swallow and take a drink before answering. "Okay, yeah, I'm still interested, of course. What did you find?"
Kit bit the inside of his cheek. He hated knowing that what he had to say was going to make Kian unhappy. "So, your instincts were right that something weird was going on. That manager you mentioned...he's been diverting funds from your project's main account to another that he has direct control over with a few others. I followed the money, and it's a pretty classic case of embezzlement." He opened the files on his laptop to show Kian.
"So I dug a little deeper. He's got a good salary, so why embezzle right? Well, he's got a ton of gambling debt, and it looks like he has a thing for spending money at escort clubs and the 86. Which I'm sure his submissive would love to know.
"He doesn't work alone. Your team's budget guy--the one with the fuck boy haircut--helps him cover up the transfers for a small fee. He has quite a decorated track record. A couple of girlfriends and boyfriends with restraining orders and all his siblings are no contact. Go figure. He spends most of his money on Syndicate drugs. I might have found some videos of him that the police might be interested in."
Kit flicked through files, not showing Kian some of the more vulgar things. "Your boss's boss is pretty bad too. Company funds spent on personal expenses, and, get this, funneling right into the political campaigns for our city's finest nut jobs, including Mayor Matthews himself."
"So...you want me to destroy them all?" He should have hated himself for how much the idea tickled him--at least enough to stop smiling--but he couldn't find it in himself to do so. "I mean, if you want to look through the files first, you should do that. They're color coded by what type of fraud is happening where. Oh but read the text file at the top first. It has trigger warnings. There are some...upsetting visuals."
Kian smiled to himself as he dropped his bag at the door and toed off his shoes. What a lovely way to come home from a long day. He delivered on Kit's expectation of kiss, brushing their lips together gently before dropping into the seat across from Kit. "It was okay." Kian shrugged and twirled the noodles in his bowl. "Nothing horrible, at least." He still felt stuck, but that wasn't anything new. Maybe he really did need a change.
Kit gave Kian a small smile, though he wasn't sure exactly how "okay" Kian's work day was. Still, he didn't seem to be in a terrible mood. Nothing horrible was at least good, right? "Well...I did find some stuff on those guys you asked me to look into. If you're still interested in all that." He didn't want to push it on Kian, but his foot was tapping uncontrollably under the table, and a he vaguely wondered if he should have taken the opportunity to make a visual presentation on what he found.
Kit had mixed feelings. On the one hand, he had bad news to share with his partner. His Dominant. Who he liked very, very much, enough to not want him to ever be unhappy for any reason. On the other, however, he never felt quite as pleased with himself as when he had a folder of incriminating files that would allow him to dismantle the lives of those who made said Dominant's life difficult.
The challenge was this: give Kian the news in as gentle a way as possible while also convincing Kian to let him destroy these people's lives. He was on their scent and until he got the kill, he would not be satisfied. This was his livelihood, yes, his job for Amari, but it was also something that he enjoyed very much. A hobby that made him lots of money and let him live with the feeling that he could win, even in this deeply unjust society.
Kit had never been accused of being gentle, however, so all bets were off. He did silly things in an attempt to make it so. He cooked the instant ramen that Kian relied on so much, timing it for when Kian would arrive home. He set things up so they could take a hot bath or shower if Kian needed to unwind afterwards. If unwinding turned into something more sexual, he had strategically placed lube and condoms around the condo--they would not be caught without lube the next time things got hot and heavy on the couch.
When the front door opened, he tried to keep his cool, to not look too worried or giddy about what he was about to reveal. He sat at the table with their ramen and his laptop. "Hey, dinner's ready," he said, tilting his head with the full expectation that Kian would kiss him somewhere on his face or head. "How was work?"
Kian smiled, relieved that Kit didn't balk at making it official. Not that it would have changed anything. Kit was already there the majority of the time. But sometimes it was hard for Kit to take those steps. To acknowledge that they were working. That their relationship was actually successful.
Kian chuckled, propping his chin on Kit's shoulder. "Nope," he said, popping the p next to Kit's ear. "You're the cutest too. My cute boyfriend." He knew he was pushing it now, but he also knew that if he were to see Kit's face he was smiling that secret little smile. One that seemed more and more that was reserved specifically for him.
Kit scrunched his nose up as Kian insisted that he was cute. The cutest. He squirmed in Kian's hold, trying to escape as his ears turned redder. "Okay ew, no that's enough." Kian always said nice things about him, didn't he? When Zayn was there, he spoke of the things Kian must have told him about Kit. Kian meant it, even if he was teasing.
He was a terrible person for letting Kian believe those good things about him. Guilt sat like a pit in his stomach, heavy. At least he could use some of his wretchedness to help Kian. He'd find out what was going on with that manager. Maybe that would alleviate some of the weight on his shoulders.
Date: Friday, November 17, 2023
TW: Death of an estranged parent, self hatred
Note: What it looks like inside Kit's head.
You may think I’m bad but you have my and your mother’s blood both. You’re a monster.
I’m a monster that never should have existed. Two dominants created me, and they passed along their poison blood as if it was a gift from the gods. It’s a curse, a condemnation of karmic debt I have no memory of deserving, but I’m sure somehow that I do. It burns in my veins like a molotov cocktail, acidic and inflamed.
I was raised by sharp words, passive aggression, and the secrets my parents kept from one another. They forced me to bear witness to their affairs, watching submissive after submissive enter the house. They’d pass me without shame, as if I was the one who didn’t belong there, and when they left, they wore empty expressions, knowing deep down that they gained nothing out of the exchange.
They were right though. I didn’t belong there. Not even the poison blood in my veins could make it so I belonged there.
Even if I am just as bad as they are.
Even if I scream just as loud as they do, baring my teeth and clenching my fists whenever anyone comes too close. Their rage lives in my veins too.
Even if, just like them, my partners had to come to bed ready for violence, pain pushing away the shame of my submission, my need, quieting my frayed nerves with exhaustion.
They had no idea what their blood made of me. They thought they could wield my submissive status to make an advantageous match, but I was never going to be sweet. I destroyed every connection of theirs I could, fucking the rich dominant sons of their rich dominant friends only to burn those bridges to dust.
Amari was the first to know how to wield my rage and my skill, how to use the poison that is my birthright. It helps to be given targets to focus on. It’s easy to destroy them, even some of the more elusive ones. Do they have families? Children? I don’t care. They’ve done something to deserve Amari’s wrath and that’s enough for me to take pleasure out of wading through the wreckage I’ve made of their lives.
Kian doesn’t know that. He doesn’t know I enjoy it. Need it even, to feel in control of the poison, of who wins and who loses. I’m tired of losing.
Kian hasn’t figured it out yet, that I’m a monster, that there’s poison in my veins, that I need him to make me hurt, bleed even. I never thought I’d be in a relationship with anyone, much less someone kind and gentle. The need for more pain and more distraction, the boiling of my blood, I can hear it in my ears. I know I could tell him, but I don’t think I could take his kindness in the face of my wretchedness.
I couldn’t take it the day we met, poison blood all over my face, nose broken. He cleaned my face with a touch so soft and I couldn’t wait to get him out the door. I wish he could wash the poison from me for good.
Now I distract myself with the work I know Kian will one day leave me for. For hours I stare at this screen to drown it all out, focus it into something that’ll fill my bank account.
I feel something wet and look down at my keyboard to see red. Another nose bleed. It’s been happening more and more lately. I don’t sleep much, so that’s probably it. Reaching for a tissue, I press one to my nose as I clean up the mess. Kian will make me stop if he sees, and today the screams in my head are too loud. I can’t risk him knowing.
You’re a monster.
It’s the last thing my father said to me. He’s dead. The heart that once pumped poison blood through his body gave out in the night. A peaceful, quiet death. I almost scream out loud at the thought.
I haven’t deleted the voicemail from my mother.
Kittinan, your father’s had a heart attack last night and died. The funeral is next week. Have your dominant bring you.
It’s not an olive branch but an expectation. Maybe I’ll go just to spit on his grave. Watch them plant him in the ground, poison blood seeping into the land.
Show him the monster he made.
But I won’t bring Kian any further into my venomous legacy.
Kian chuckled. "You are right. I can't imagine you'd put up with any crap for long." It dawned on him then that Kit really had pretty much moved in. "You know, you probably should change your address. Maybe let your lease run out?" Was that a formal invitation? Did Kit really need one at this point.
"You know..." Kian paused and leaned over to catch his boyfriend's gaze, keeping his gaze as serious as possible until he got the words out. "You're really getting good at this boyfriend thing."
It seemed he and Kian were thinking something similar. There was no point in denying it. Even if saying the truth out loud was somewhat frightening for Kit. "Yeah...I'll tell my roommate. I mean...he probably already knows." Dean had teased him more than once about being gone nearly every day and every night. He wasn't stupid. He had to know what was going on to some extent.
Kit kept his gaze on Kian as his voice grew serious. When the words came out, the tips of Kit's ears started to turn red. He broke his gaze as if it might hide his blush. "Shut up," he said without any heat behind it. Kian was too good for him. One day he'd see it. For now, he smiled a small smile, not brave enough to look Kian in the eye.
Kian trusted Kit. It was that simple. He nodded and let himself focus on the food in front of him, as much as he was able. He'd been stressed for weeks about this whole situation. He probably should have come to Kit sooner.
"You know, I'm sorry I didn't talk it out sooner. I hope I haven't been too miserable to live with." Suddenly it seemed stupid that he'd waited so long to talk it out with Kit.
Kit snorted. "Nah. If you were miserable to live with, I wouldn't live with you." There was the insinuation in there that he did in fact live with Kian. He'd never officially moved in, but he did spend the majority of his time there now.
Anyhow, it was hardly like Kit was the most ideal roommate. Naturally moody, prickly, quick to become irritable. If anything, Kit ought to be the one worried about it. "But you can tell me. Whatever you want to tell me. Whenever. You don't have to though." It wasn't like he told Kian everything either.
Kian shouldn't have smiled at the offer. He was peripherally aware of Kit's abilities, knew he could indeed ruin the man interfering with his work. He wasn't sure if he'd go that far but it sure was tempting. "Let's find out if there is something there first. Then we can discuss the ruining." At this point, Kian wasn't ruling it out. Maybe he should be worried about that.
Kit kept his visual focus on his food, not exactly wanting to expand on just how much he could ruin a person's life within minutes. Was he proud of it? Yes and no. Yes because he enjoyed it when it was deserved. No because he worried Kian might look down on him one day. It might be the thing that destroyed them. He wasn't a good person.
"Okay. I'll start looking. Give me a couple days." Whether or not he ruined this person getting in the way of Kian's work...well, he'd just have to wait and see. If he felt it was deserved...would he wait for Kian's go ahead? Or take matters into his own hands? It was tempting to destroy anyone fucking with his boyfriend.
Kian stepped back so that Kit could finish dishing out their dinner, thoughts still mired in what ifs and theories about what was happening.
"You're right about that." People were greedy. Even he was, especially when it came to the person currently in his kitchen. It was on the tip of his tongue to say no. To tell Kit it wasn't worth his trouble. But he'd played by the rules and it was getting him absolutely no where. "Yeah...I know you can." He sighed and pulled open the refrigerator to retrieve two beers. Should he let Kit help. "You sure you want to? It might be nothing."
Kit set the two bowls of ramen on the kitchen table, moving his chair close to Kian's so he could cling if he wanted to while they ate. "Sit," he said.
It was a surprise that Kian would even consider Kit's offer. He never had before. But he was glad. He could help. "It might be nothing. And then you're not any worse off than you were before. At least you'd know for sure. And if it turns out there is something..." Kit looked down into his bowl of ramen. "I can ruin them." Easily. And he'd enjoy it too, especially if this person was messing with Kian's work.
"Yeah, I think so." Kit was listening and lord knew Kian needed to talk. "I like my work. Love it actually. But lately...I can't move this project forward and I don't know if it's me or...honestly, I think it's being sabotaged but I can't prove it and sometimes I think I'm just being paranoid. My projects aren't moneymakers. If anything they cost money but they also bring us in line with federal environmental regulations. But this manager keeps stalling approvals. Making stupid last minute requests that pushes the project timeline out further." Kian doesn't get it. Who wants to stall a green initiative and why? "It just makes no sense to me."
Kit listened to Kian closely, not wanting to miss any details even as his gaze remained on the cooking ramen in front of them. It was almost done, so he tapped Kian's shoulder to make sure he wasn't near anything hot as Kit transferred the noodles and broth to two bowls. He could be clumsy and as much as he liked having Kian cling to him, accidental burns were not worth the risk.
Kian's mistrust in his colleagues wasn't surprising. Kit had heard him question this before. But now, it seemed it was coming to a head. Kian could no longer ignore it. "People are greedy," Kit said. He knew this first hand. Kian maybe didn't know it as well because he was a good person, someone who genuinely wanted to do good in the world. "If your projects don't make money, that manager might be finding it somewhere else." He'd seen bribes before. It wouldn't be the first time. "You know...I can find out. If you want." He didn't want to push his skillset onto Kian. But it was useful. At times.
Kian wrinkled his nose at the suggestion. "I'm good. Go ahead if you want some." He wrapped his arms around Kit's waist while he cooked, chin propped on his shoulder. "Ever just feel stuck?" He really didn't want to believe his project was being purposefully sabotaged but he really couldn't shake the feeling that someone was stalling it on purpose.
Kit nodded, putting the information that Kian wasn't big on eggs in the back of his mind for later. He considered Kian's question. "Sure. I guess so." There were more than a few moments in life that made him feel stuck. Forced into a corner. He didn't leave his parents' home because he felt free after all. "Is that how you feel now? At work?" he asked.
"Ramen is good." Kian wasn't picky but ramen was always a good comfort food. And maybe a little part of him just liked the idea of Kit taking care of him even in this small way. Not that he'd ever admit it. "I'll go change quick and come back and help." He mustered up a small smile before retreating to shed his work clothes and find some sweats.
Kit nodded and kissed Kian's temple before busying himself with making them both some ramen. He kept it simple, choosing packs of ramen that were not too spicy. Kit liked the spicy ones best, but it didn't seem like the right time to subject his partner to that. With noodles boiling on the stovetop, he waited for Kian to return, curious about what was weighing on him.
"Want anything in the ramen?" he asked when Kian returned. "I think we have eggs."
Kit did in fact have his earbuds in as he worked, typing furiously through code, debugging updated security software for Amari’s company. Music helped him to focus. But even with music blaring in his ears, he was able to hear the tone of Kian’s yell, a little off from center. Kian was normally calm to fault. He could take a lot before he took that tone, so Kit perked up, pulling his earbuds out before exiting the bedroom to meet his boyfriend.
“Hey,” he said, letting his arms drape around Kian’s neck. He’d learned fast that Kian liked this kind of physical touch. And maybe Kit did too. Maybe. But only from Kian. “How was your day?” he asked, wondering if his listening skills were on point or if he’d imagined the strain in Kian’s voice.
Kian let out a sigh as Kit’s arms circled his neck. His own arms circled his boyfriend’s waist and pulled him closer. He dropped his forehead to Kit’s shoulder for a moment and just rested. “Not great,” he muttered, finally lifting his head and giving Kit a quick kiss. Kian really wasn’t one to share often. It was a fault of his, he knew. “Sorry if I interrupted your work.”
Kian, if he’d been in a better mindset, may have attempted to brush Kit off. But talking it out, especially if Kit was willing to listen, would probably be helpful. In fact, knowing Kit would listen already buoyed his mood. “Tell you while we eat? I’m kind of starving? And it’s a long story.”
“Yeah, of course,” Kit said, pulling back from the hug. “What do you want to eat tonight?” It was maybe the first time Kit wished he was a good cook. He wasn’t. Not by a long shot. But if Kian was hungry and unhappy, cooking would be a good way to support him, right? He was lacking in that way. “I can make us ramen?” He could handle that much.
