Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
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@kit-levansque
Errr, madame Levansque? I've been charged to tell you that someone broke...a spell, I think? Apparently now there are creatures roaming the fifth floor. And uhm... Ibrahim doesn't want to go.
@classicalcassiopeia @angels-dining-at-the-ritz @am-graves @aethelar @harrybestsir
...Ibrahim doesn’t want to go up there, or Ibrahim doesn’t want to leave?
Boss! Where’s your boyfriend?
Greek Myth: Hecate
“HEKATE (Hecate) was the goddess of magic, witchcraft, the night, moon, ghosts and necromancy. She was the only child of the Titanes Perses and Asteria from whom she received her power over heaven, earth, and sea.”
You do not want to cross me.
@aethelar @angels-dining-at-the-ritz @classicalcassiopeia @swanlaurences
Which one of you fuckers transfigured the coffee to decaf?!
YASSA turns to IBRAHIM. The latter is strangely silent.
“Ibrahim…”
“I didn’t do it,” IBRAHIM said, in a voice that totally meant he did it.
Now, Ibrahim. I can reconstruct the Brigg’s Cornucopia Mark 4 that was cast on this coffee pot more then sixty years ago. I can buy a new coffee machine, if it comes down to it. I might even be able to handle the entire auror department going through sudden and acute caffeine withdrawal if the worst comes to worst.
However, if my chocolate-flavored coffee beans, specially imported from Yemen at great personal and financial cost, the ones that I save for special occasions, have been harmed in any way, shape, or form, I will escort you to the most suitable mosque in the local area to politely request the learned Imam there to tutor you in the virtues of generosity, kindness, and empathy.
And you do not want to know just what measures I will take to keep you fixed in one place until the lessons take hold.
@am-graves @elizabeth-graham @swanlaurences @auror-delgado
It’s not only our coffee, either. Apparently, it’s the whole congress, since I haven’t been able to get a decent cuppa from any of the coffee girls.
And the only shop that makes their joe strong enough closed two months ago. You know the one, Booky, the one on Madison Avenue?
I’m not saying we might have to prepare for a riot but…uh, I think we have to prepare for a riot. Problem is, I also want to start that riot because I haven’t had any caffeine since yesterday.
I can’t believe I’m actually doing this, but - here, black tea with sugar. Yes, I know it’s weak as shit compared to coffee, but it’ll at least take the edge off. In the meantime, I’m requisitioning the Newbies to hunt down any coffee in the city strong enough to try and head this off.
(thumps several case files down in front of Graham). Here. Current details and statistics on the Brodies, the Snichts, and the McFowlson crime families- if we’re going to have people itching to curse someone, lets at least try and aim it where it’ll do some good. Think you can hold the briefings and get people out into the streets ASAP?
…Liz, I - I have some coffee beans. The good stuff, the stuff I only break out for very special occasions. It’s strong as fuck, but I don’t have that much of it. Enough for two pots? Three at most, if I stretch it. I fucking hate to do this to you, Liz, but - I need a list. A list of the people we can’t afford to let slip into caffeine withdrawal for the sake of national security.
Liz takes the offered cup of tea and eyes it warily. “Better than nothing, I suppose.” She sounds as resigned as she looks and drains the cup in one large gulp. “Wow,” she comments flatly, “That was surprisingly unsurpring. Eh, beggars and choosers and all that shit. I’ll get an office meeting together as soon as I have that list for you.”
Burying her lack of motivation in favor of determination, she takes the case files, as well, and opens the first one, taking a glance at the documents.
“Pots as in coffee machine pots or as in large cups? Anyway, Rutherford, first spot without competition. I know for a fact that our dear head of international relations has to face one hell of a day. We don’t want her to cause an incident. I’d also say Picquery since we all know well enough how bad she is with coffee, so I don’t even want to think about her without. But I’d make it depend on her schedule today, so maybe ask her first secretary beforehand. That reminds me, her first secretary. That poor sap has to put up with a lot. Also, His Lordship van Halen, we don’t want the court to be ruled by crankiness. Suárez from Internal Affairs. She may be a bitch on a daily basis, but I don’t want to see her without coffee, either. They are the most important ones. If we have anything to spare afterwards, start with Gallagher from the Accident Reversal Commando, Jimenez from the Supply Storage and whoever is manning the informantion stand’s front desk today. If anyone finds a coffee shop that proves to be adequate, start with the offices that have most contact with non-employees and work your way down from there. Sounds reasonable?”
She pats Kit’s shoulder with her free hand, nose still buried in the files. “At least we have someone here who’s sensible enough to hoard coffee instead of booze. Say, do you know if I have to get a search warrant for the McFowlson kontors or is there already one in here? If anyone has to deal with the judge without coffee, I’ll do it.
Oh, and Yassa? Please tell your monkey-shaped friend that despite what he thinks, this is not his personal playground.”
Try putting three teabags in for every mug - that’s what I’m doing right now. Yes, I know it’s not going to be enough, but it’s all I have on hand - except for the beans that I don’t possess, because if anyone finds out I do have them, they’ll besiege my office and trigger several years’ worth of experimental wards.
Pots as in coffee machine pots. And Boss had better damn well compensate me for my beans; this stuff comes from Yemen, Graham. Yemen. I actually had to trade a book from my personal collection to get it.
For Gerald McFowlson specifically, yes; for the larger operation, no. Better get to the judge before the withdrawal gets too bad. Also - evade if Gerald comes at you with a sword; there’s rumors flying around that the idea has a death wish and tried to buy, steal, or recreate the Tarrant sword. The damn thing’s a literal soul-stealer - feels like you’re standing next to a dementor, apparently.
Rutherford, Picquery, the High Secretary, van Halen, Suarez, Gallagher, Jimenez, information. Got it. For once, I’m almost glad that the Boss’s poison of choice happens to be alcohol. And forget quality, I’m sending the newbies out to just get whatever coffee they can get their grubby hands on. Speaking of - /here/, this file, the D’Marco brothers, wanted for tax evasion. They’re not high-priority but they do own a breakroom over on the other side of the city. If we’re lucky, they’ll put up a fight and you can confiscate their entire coffee supply.
YASSA witnessed the exchange with perplexity, while IBRAHIM was trying to stifle his laughter. All of this for coffee? Have they all gone mad?
“Are really craving that much coffee? Why don’t you try mint tea instead? It’s good for you and you can drink during winter as summer. Plus you can even add spices!”
The young woman had spent her childhood drinking mint tea, a traditional beverage in Algeria. But it was also because coffee was often deemed too expensive to her parents and family that she never drank it.
“Look, let me make some good mint tea for everyone. You’ll see: it will set your mind at ease.”
Behind her, IBRAHIM shook his head. He knew better. That was why he did it.
“The Tarrant-?” The auror almost chokes on her own spit and strings together a handful of colourful curses. “Morgana damn it all, there goes my hope not to have to lead that razzia. Is that man completely insane?”
She glares at Ibrahim who does not even bother to hide his laughter at the result of his misdeed.
“Mint tea?” Liz barely manages to stop herself from bursting into laughter. She doesn’t want Yassa to think she’s making fun of her. Although a bit naive, it’s a sweet offer. “Yassa, you’re cute. Really. But mint tea isn’t strong enough. None of us need something soothing, we all need a liquid kick in the ass to stay awake and functional. I’m sure Kit is able to explain it better than me if you want to know.
Now, I have to get that warrant and then I’ll brief the teams I want on each raid. I’ll see you before I head out with my team.” She is almost out of the door when she turns around again, a calculating look crossing her face. “Kit, you think I can trust Delgado to confiscate all the coffee instead of drinking it if I send him over to the D'Marcos with a squad?”
@elizabeth-graham @swanlaurences (sorry for the delay, I missed seeing this somehow!) @am-graves @auror-delgado @aethelar
I sincerely doubt it’s the actual Tarrant, mainly because the moron’s still alive. The genuine Tarrant has at least six massacres associated with it, mainly because the owner really didn’t like people claiming his stuff for their own. And yes, I know that he’s supposed to be dead and ash, but considering his history? I really, really doubt that would stop him.
But on the off chance he’s the luckiest idiot this side of the millennia - if you run across a dementor-sword, do not touch the fucking thing. Let it lie where it falls, and whatever you do, do not claim possession of the damn thing in any way, shape, or form. Just - call me over to examine it.
Yassa, it’s not a matter of whether or not it tastes good - the real problem is that just about everyone in MACUSA is a coffee addict, and there are literal health consequences to being cut off from the stuff with no warning. Headaches, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability, tremors, to name a few. Everyone in the Department is about to be absolutely miserable as well as very very angry at the slightest provocation.
Also, just a quick question, Yassa - I once read an account of an evil spirit who was cast into a vat of molten metal and subsequently forged into a bell for a holy place of some kind. Apparently, it tolled year after year, drawing the faithful to prayer and contemplation, and it was very very effective because its sound could not be ignored. Do you think that ‘evil spirit’ referred to some kind of djinn?
Graham, at this point I might just suggest you assign him the worst of the coffee addicts for his squad - that way it won’t matter if they drink the damn stuff, we’ll have given the people most likely to fly off the handle their daily fix.
Also, could you drop this report off with the Boss? I’m expediting our usual orders for the damn stuff so it should get here within the next week then the next month. But it looks like we might end up guzzling whatever swill we can get from whatever fucking cafes and coffee-shops are in the area in the meantime anyway, just - I’m doing what I can.
Also, just a warning - I’m setting my office wards to max for the duration. I have to start brewing.
@aethelar @angels-dining-at-the-ritz @classicalcassiopeia @swanlaurences
Which one of you fuckers transfigured the coffee to decaf?!
YASSA turns to IBRAHIM. The latter is strangely silent.
“Ibrahim…”
“I didn’t do it,” IBRAHIM said, in a voice that totally meant he did it.
Now, Ibrahim. I can reconstruct the Brigg’s Cornucopia Mark 4 that was cast on this coffee pot more then sixty years ago. I can buy a new coffee machine, if it comes down to it. I might even be able to handle the entire auror department going through sudden and acute caffeine withdrawal if the worst comes to worst.
However, if my chocolate-flavored coffee beans, specially imported from Yemen at great personal and financial cost, the ones that I save for special occasions, have been harmed in any way, shape, or form, I will escort you to the most suitable mosque in the local area to politely request the learned Imam there to tutor you in the virtues of generosity, kindness, and empathy.
And you do not want to know just what measures I will take to keep you fixed in one place until the lessons take hold.
@am-graves @elizabeth-graham @swanlaurences @auror-delgado
It’s not only our coffee, either. Apparently, it’s the whole congress, since I haven’t been able to get a decent cuppa from any of the coffee girls.
And the only shop that makes their joe strong enough closed two months ago. You know the one, Booky, the one on Madison Avenue?
I’m not saying we might have to prepare for a riot but…uh, I think we have to prepare for a riot. Problem is, I also want to start that riot because I haven’t had any caffeine since yesterday.
I can’t believe I’m actually doing this, but - here, black tea with sugar. Yes, I know it’s weak as shit compared to coffee, but it’ll at least take the edge off. In the meantime, I’m requisitioning the Newbies to hunt down any coffee in the city strong enough to try and head this off.
(thumps several case files down in front of Graham). Here. Current details and statistics on the Brodies, the Snichts, and the McFowlson crime families- if we’re going to have people itching to curse someone, lets at least try and aim it where it’ll do some good. Think you can hold the briefings and get people out into the streets ASAP?
…Liz, I - I have some coffee beans. The good stuff, the stuff I only break out for very special occasions. It’s strong as fuck, but I don’t have that much of it. Enough for two pots? Three at most, if I stretch it. I fucking hate to do this to you, Liz, but - I need a list. A list of the people we can’t afford to let slip into caffeine withdrawal for the sake of national security.
Liz takes the offered cup of tea and eyes it warily. “Better than nothing, I suppose.” She sounds as resigned as she looks and drains the cup in one large gulp. “Wow,” she comments flatly, “That was surprisingly unsurpring. Eh, beggars and choosers and all that shit. I’ll get an office meeting together as soon as I have that list for you.”
Burying her lack of motivation in favor of determination, she takes the case files, as well, and opens the first one, taking a glance at the documents.
“Pots as in coffee machine pots or as in large cups? Anyway, Rutherford, first spot without competition. I know for a fact that our dear head of international relations has to face one hell of a day. We don’t want her to cause an incident. I’d also say Picquery since we all know well enough how bad she is with coffee, so I don’t even want to think about her without. But I’d make it depend on her schedule today, so maybe ask her first secretary beforehand. That reminds me, her first secretary. That poor sap has to put up with a lot. Also, His Lordship van Halen, we don’t want the court to be ruled by crankiness. Suárez from Internal Affairs. She may be a bitch on a daily basis, but I don’t want to see her without coffee, either. They are the most important ones. If we have anything to spare afterwards, start with Gallagher from the Accident Reversal Commando, Jimenez from the Supply Storage and whoever is manning the informantion stand’s front desk today. If anyone finds a coffee shop that proves to be adequate, start with the offices that have most contact with non-employees and work your way down from there. Sounds reasonable?”
She pats Kit’s shoulder with her free hand, nose still buried in the files. “At least we have someone here who’s sensible enough to hoard coffee instead of booze. Say, do you know if I have to get a search warrant for the McFowlson kontors or is there already one in here? If anyone has to deal with the judge without coffee, I’ll do it.
Oh, and Yassa? Please tell your monkey-shaped friend that despite what he thinks, this is not his personal playground.”
Try putting three teabags in for every mug - that’s what I’m doing right now. Yes, I know it’s not going to be enough, but it’s all I have on hand - except for the beans that I don’t possess, because if anyone finds out I do have them, they’ll besiege my office and trigger several years’ worth of experimental wards.
Pots as in coffee machine pots. And Boss had better damn well compensate me for my beans; this stuff comes from Yemen, Graham. Yemen. I actually had to trade a book from my personal collection to get it.
For Gerald McFowlson specifically, yes; for the larger operation, no. Better get to the judge before the withdrawal gets too bad. Also - evade if Gerald comes at you with a sword; there’s rumors flying around that the idea has a death wish and tried to buy, steal, or recreate the Tarrant sword. The damn thing’s a literal soul-stealer - feels like you’re standing next to a dementor, apparently.
Rutherford, Picquery, the High Secretary, van Halen, Suarez, Gallagher, Jimenez, information. Got it. For once, I’m almost glad that the Boss’s poison of choice happens to be alcohol. And forget quality, I’m sending the newbies out to just get whatever coffee they can get their grubby hands on. Speaking of - /here/, this file, the D’Marco brothers, wanted for tax evasion. They’re not high-priority but they do own a breakroom over on the other side of the city. If we’re lucky, they’ll put up a fight and you can confiscate their entire coffee supply.
@aethelar @angels-dining-at-the-ritz @classicalcassiopeia @swanlaurences
Which one of you fuckers transfigured the coffee to decaf?!
YASSA turns to IBRAHIM. The latter is strangely silent.
“Ibrahim…”
“I didn’t do it,” IBRAHIM said, in a voice that totally meant he did it.
Now, Ibrahim. I can reconstruct the Brigg’s Cornucopia Mark 4 that was cast on this coffee pot more then sixty years ago. I can buy a new coffee machine, if it comes down to it. I might even be able to handle the entire auror department going through sudden and acute caffeine withdrawal if the worst comes to worst.
However, if my chocolate-flavored coffee beans, specially imported from Yemen at great personal and financial cost, the ones that I save for special occasions, have been harmed in any way, shape, or form, I will escort you to the most suitable mosque in the local area to politely request the learned Imam there to tutor you in the virtues of generosity, kindness, and empathy.
And you do not want to know just what measures I will take to keep you fixed in one place until the lessons take hold.
@am-graves @elizabeth-graham @swanlaurences @auror-delgado
It’s not only our coffee, either. Apparently, it’s the whole congress, since I haven’t been able to get a decent cuppa from any of the coffee girls.
And the only shop that makes their joe strong enough closed two months ago. You know the one, Booky, the one on Madison Avenue?
I’m not saying we might have to prepare for a riot but…uh, I think we have to prepare for a riot. Problem is, I also want to start that riot because I haven’t had any caffeine since yesterday.
I can’t believe I’m actually doing this, but - here, black tea with sugar. Yes, I know it’s weak as shit compared to coffee, but it’ll at least take the edge off. In the meantime, I’m requisitioning the Newbies to hunt down any coffee in the city strong enough to try and head this off.
(thumps several case files down in front of Graham). Here. Current details and statistics on the Brodies, the Snichts, and the McFowlson crime families- if we’re going to have people itching to curse someone, lets at least try and aim it where it’ll do some good. Think you can hold the briefings and get people out into the streets ASAP?
...Liz, I - I have some coffee beans. The good stuff, the stuff I only break out for very special occasions. It’s strong as fuck, but I don’t have that much of it. Enough for two pots? Three at most, if I stretch it. I fucking hate to do this to you, Liz, but - I need a list. A list of the people we can’t afford to let slip into caffeine withdrawal for the sake of national security.
@aethelar @angels-dining-at-the-ritz @classicalcassiopeia @swanlaurences
Which one of you fuckers transfigured the coffee to decaf?!
YASSA turns to IBRAHIM. The latter is strangely silent.
“Ibrahim…”
“I didn’t do it,” IBRAHIM said, in a voice that totally meant he did it.
Now, Ibrahim. I can reconstruct the Brigg’s Cornucopia Mark 4 that was cast on this coffee pot more then sixty years ago. I can buy a new coffee machine, if it comes down to it. I might even be able to handle the entire auror department going through sudden and acute caffeine withdrawal if the worst comes to worst.
However, if my chocolate-flavored coffee beans, specially imported from Yemen at great personal and financial cost, the ones that I save for special occasions, have been harmed in any way, shape, or form, I will escort you to the most suitable mosque in the local area to politely request the learned Imam there to tutor you in the virtues of generosity, kindness, and empathy.
And you do not want to know just what measures I will take to keep you fixed in one place until the lessons take hold.
@am-graves @elizabeth-graham @swanlaurences @auror-delgado
@aethelar @angels-dining-at-the-ritz @classicalcassiopeia @swanlaurences
Which one of you fuckers transfigured the coffee to decaf?!
@am-graves @elizabeth-graham @auror-delgado @dongmaeofmusin @aethelar @classicalcassiopeia @creative-chaos-in-my-head
Dear Boss,
Please accept my earnest apologies for breaking into your desk and chugging your ‘secret’ Brandy-What-Brandy supply without your express permission. It was a clear breech of privacy, and I am heartily sorry for my imposition.
...in my defense, it was an emergency situation. Acquisitions wanted my opinion on a tome they’d recently acquired. After realizing that they’d accidentally acquired a Class-A Extremely Non-Tradeable Good, destination the High-Security Vaults, I made the judgement call that the immediate acquisition of a mental shock-cushion was necessary in order to stave off an inconvenient case of blatant insanity as well as the spontaneous generation of spiders in my brainpan. Getting myself drunk ASAP was the quickest means of averting said outcomes.
In way of recompense, please accept these three bottles of what I have been assured by my spouse, Graham, and a shopkeeper is ‘best Kentucky Bourbon’. My in-laws were also kind enough to provide me with a bottle of West Virginia moonshine, which I have been earnestly assured can strip the paint from the walls at three meters and counting.
To the land of no return, the land of darkness, Ishtar, the daughter of Sin directed her thought. To the road, whence there is no turning, The place where dust is their nourishment, clay their food.’ They have no light, in darkness they dwell. Over door and bolt, dust has gathered. Ishtar on arriving at the gate To the gatekeeper thus addressed herself: “Gatekeeper, open thy gate that I may enter! If thou openest not the gate to let me enter, I will break the door, I will wrench the lock, I will smash the door-posts, I will force the doors. I will bring up the dead to eat the living. And the dead will outnumber the living.”
The Epic of Gilgamesh. Akkadian Version, c. 1300 B.C. Translated 1915 by M. Jastrow. Edited slightly for brevity. (via nyancatherder-blog)
For thee head cannons, I imagined that Levansque was very isolated at school for being bookish and not theoretical; thus her proclaimed lack of people skills. However, once she got in the Auror force, she made her best friends for life. People from her year still don't get why she is considered a close friend of Percival Graves, one of the most powerful men in America, if not the world! She certainly isn't saying anything...
The fact that the memos I sent him were spelled to explode if left unread was probably the main factor, actually. As was the fact that I felt sorry for him once - it was after the Brady case - and ended up doing most of his paperwork in a belated ‘hope you feel better soon’ gift. (I was young, and relatively innocent).
That got his immediate attention - if by ‘immediate attention’ you’re referring to how he came barging into the staff room, eyes wild and wand at the ready, demanding to know just what kind of infernal magic-user I was to successfully tame the beast known as ‘paperwork’. (He was also severely sleep-deprived at the time). He tried to interrogate me, I handed him a cup of coffee (well, it was one-fourth coffee and three-fourths whiskey) and told him he needed to submit forms 3a through 17b before next Tuesday, he called me a foul beast escaped from the pit and tried to perform an exorcism, I corrected his pronunciation - it all snowballed from there.
@am-graves
@aethelar
Damnit Levansque, not only were you sworn to secrecy about this but that’s not even how it happened. If I recall correctly you stole my damn paperwork from the bin where it belonged, somehow reparoed the shredding charm I applied to it and I don’t even know how the hell you un-set fire to the scraps because that shouldn’t even be fucking possible.
The interrogation was entirely justified because those are standard procedure for disposing of classified intel and junior archivists just aren’t supposed to casually undo that. I mean, unnecessary paperwork that no one in their right mind would ever fill in is one thing, but hell, what kind of other secret memos are you just hoarding away in your filing cabinets??
And! The correct response to someone enquiring entirely reasonably if you used necromancy to resurrect the spirit of ex-paper work is not - not! - to assign them more fucking paperwork are you listening Levansque this is important no more paperwork
@am-graves @aethelar
Yes, boss. There are procedures for disposing of classified intel. Those procedures are usually vanishing said documents, because any idiot with a basic grasp of the reparo charm can fix a shredded piece of paper. As for the forms you set on fire, I simply acquired another set from Admin and filled them out for you. And is it really stealing if said paperwork bin is sitting in the hallway outside your office, just waiting to be picked up by the Janitorial staff?
If you ever want to know what kind of memos I have stored away for a rainy day, boss, you have only to ask. You will, of course, have to sign an NDA first - I’m still trying to get some of the charms patented.
I hear you, boss. No more paperwork, boss, check. On an aside note, Jack Peters - you know, the janitor? - his birthday is next Monday. We’ve picked out a nice card for him with a thoughtful message thanking him for all his hard years of service and assuring him that he’s indispensable to MACUSA - and citing a few concrete examples, so he doesn’t think we’re being patronizing. This is, after all, the man who faces the Break Room on a daily basis. I’ll bring it by later for you to sign.
For thee head cannons, I imagined that Levansque was very isolated at school for being bookish and not theoretical; thus her proclaimed lack of people skills. However, once she got in the Auror force, she made her best friends for life. People from her year still don't get why she is considered a close friend of Percival Graves, one of the most powerful men in America, if not the world! She certainly isn't saying anything...
The fact that the memos I sent him were spelled to explode if left unread was probably the main factor, actually. As was the fact that I felt sorry for him once - it was after the Brady case - and ended up doing most of his paperwork in a belated ‘hope you feel better soon’ gift. (I was young, and relatively innocent).
That got his immediate attention - if by ‘immediate attention’ you’re referring to how he came barging into the staff room, eyes wild and wand at the ready, demanding to know just what kind of infernal magic-user I was to successfully tame the beast known as ‘paperwork’. (He was also severely sleep-deprived at the time). He tried to interrogate me, I handed him a cup of coffee (well, it was one-fourth coffee and three-fourths whiskey) and told him he needed to submit forms 3a through 17b before next Tuesday, he called me a foul beast escaped from the pit and tried to perform an exorcism, I corrected his pronunciation - it all snowballed from there.
@am-graves
@aethelar
@helveticaes @elizabeth-graham @classicalcassiopeia @aethelar
Delgado.
Delgado…
Delgado….
*hiccups* I’m so, so drunk.
Oh shit.
….
……..
Oh shiiiiit.
C’mon Levansque, let’s get you away from the scary curse books, ok, no one needs books made from…is this real skin? … It is? ……….Ok. Ok, well, uh, you aren’t gonna need that in combination with the…wait is that brandy? Is that Boss’ brandy?! Goddamn Levansque you got balls…..
Anyway, why don’t we just lock it away for a little while so you don’t accidentally..uh….curse all our organs into stone or some shit. Yeah? That sound good? Good.
@auror-delgado
You have to be drunk to read t’History of Feisel, that’s the point! It doesn’t make sense otherwise. Y’need to - bend your thoughts around corners. To think sideways. He was a bad man, Delgado. He was a really bad man. I don’t like him. But Grindels would like him. He’d like him a lot. So that’s why I have to read t’History.
There’re a lot of magics that you can only do when you’re drunk, yaknow. Like - like the Rites of the Bacchae, that’s a good one, or the Appeasement of Ninkasi. But that one’s just about reciting how to make beer in iambic pentameter.
Cake sounds nice right now. I want cake. The good cake. Like marzipan! Carlos gets me the best cakes. He buys ‘em from that little market down from our house. Cake. Are they still open? I think they might be open.
IBRAHIM: (pops out of nowhere to climb on Delgado’s shoulder) I hear someone is doing rituals? How about we invoke Cthulhu? (cackles maniacally)
(IBRAHIM hops from DELGADO’s shoulder to pick up a book, ready for some mischief.)
@auror-delgado @elizabeth-graham @helveticaes @am-graves
*singing*
*turns around alarmedly and points at Ibrahim* No. Just no.
Levansque, if any of those vowels are supposed to go beyond ‘iä, iä’, I swear I’ll hex you silent. Stick to normal songs drunk people caterwaul. Or any songs you like. Just no accidentaly cursing us, okay? Better yet, talk to me. You’re usually the responsible one about alcohol. Did something happen?
@auror-delgado @elizabeth-graham @helveticaes @am-graves
*pauses, squints at the monkey*. Don’ worry, he said he doesn’t like necromancy. But - hey. Heyyy, Ibrahim? D’you know Sashi? She was a djinn, and she liked necromancers. Martala talks ‘bout her in the Nadiir.
I told Delgado - you have to be drunk to read t’History of Feisel! You have to think sideways. And s’like - shock cushions. For reading. Or it burns and burns and burns in your brain like spiders trying to tear out of your skull… *pats Graham’s face*. Don’ worry. S’ not as bad as the Octavo - y’have to fight that one to read it, an’ Melichus’ Nameless is supposed to be really, really bad.
*Waves a finger at Graham and Delgado.* Don’t read the Nameless. …wait. Y’can’t read the Nameless. It read itself an’ burned up ‘bout - eh, long, long time ago.
(YASSA enters the room, looking for IBRAHIM. She finds the small group.)
What’s happening here?
(IBRAHIM hops on GRAHAM’s head, cackling maniacally as usual.)
IBRAHIM: The summoner wants to bring djinn! Ah! Happy day, isn’t it?
Liz tilts her head under the weight of Ibrahim, grimacing slightly as he inadvertedly pulls on her hair in the process.
“Lovely. C’mon, Booky. Did you finish reading or should you get back to it before you sober up.” She does not add the ‘although that will take some time’ that goes through her mind.
“Kit’s drunk, Yassa. She wanted to read a book. It’s…you know what, just don’t ask.”
She looks around for the alcohol. The throbbing in her temple could very well be from the djinn on her head, but she still feels like a drink could help her nerves.
@auror-delgado @elizabeth-graham @helveticaes @am-graves
I don’t wanna meet Sashi, Ibbie. Sashi ate kids. An’ fucked necromancers. Yassa, please don’t summon Sashi? Don’t let Ibbie bully you into it.
Graham, Delgado - the History s’ a recent intake. Head of Acquisitions wanted to know where it should go. Giving my recommendation - s’ going to the High Security Vaults. Feisel was a bad man. Good grammar, though.
Boss has awful brandy, Graham. But it was t’only booze nearby, an’ I had to, or the spiders would have eaten out of my head. Boss can’t get angry at me for that.
Can I have cake, Graham? The good cake, with the marzipan?
Liz suppresses a sigh as she grabs the brandy bottle. Kit is right, the boss’ brandy is awful. Politicans probably don’t even know how to gift good alcohol. For a moment, she thinks about filling a glass for herself anyway, but decides not to and pushes the bottle into Delgado’s hands instead.
“Of course you can have marzipan cake. A really big slice if you want, too.”
She feels the djinn still shifting on the top of her head. “Can you please get down, Ibrahim,” she tries to reach for her most patient voice, “I’d really appreciate that.”
(IBRAHIM cackles and pulls on GRAHAM’s hair.)
IBRAHIM: Ah! You WISHED, motherfucker!
(YASSA lets out an indignant exclamation.)
Ibrahim! How many times do I have to tell to stop talking like a mob boss!
(IBRAHIM seems to pout. He hops on LEVANSQUE’s shoulder.)
IBRAHIM: Let’s get down to business, shall we? Let me invoke the great Sashi!
She killed kids, Ibbie. An’ ate ghosts. An’ possessed people. An’ fucked necromancers. I don’t wanna meet her.
The History needs to go into the High Security Vaults. Lock it down, please?
Ibbie? Can I test my new wards on you? Yassa, can I? *starts scribbling on a piece of paper.* I read a bunch, an’ I think I got something that works against djinn, but I don’t really know what it does. See, this is the Seal of Solomon, an’ this is the Elder Sign, an’ if I add a branching rune here, I can add an anchor rune to the arc and -
@aethelar
crack edits [2/?]: percival + paperwork [1/? ]
aurors: Director Graves hasn’t come out of his office for three days now, what do we do? secretary: no he’s fine *shows by opening his door* see he’s fine
[ @reportsduemonday ]
The office whenever Kit comes back from vacation.
@aethelar
@am-graves @elizabeth-graham @classicalcassiopeia @prcivalgraves
Delgado, you apparently underestimated the sheer stupidity of my most recent minions - they bend corners, Delgado. They misfile things. They don’t check their spelling when they write reports, and then they attempt to downplay their grammar errors because ‘no one reads this stuff anyway, right?’
…Delgado. Remember my counterstrike during the Great Paperwork Revolt of ‘24? Specifically, when I glamored my eyes solid black, wore my most ragged robes to work, intoned nonsense at everyone in an echoing voice and generally gave the impression I’d gone full-blown Morgana? (I cleared it with the Boss first of course, I had no desire to be hexed six ways from Sunday).
Purely in a spirit of scientific inquiry - can you think of any way I could have modified that outfit to appear more terrifying?
Well, just in the spirit of scientific enquiry, I maaay have made a list of things you could have done to make yourself even more batshit crazy back then. Not that you weren’t utterly magnificent, you understand, (ohgodpleasedontkillme) but if you’re asking…
The fingernails for one could have done with being a good inch longer and preferable painted black with some thick, viscous substance dripping off them. You want that, “I have clawed out all of Accounting’s eyeballs with my bare hands and you’re next” kind of vibe, y’know.
The hair, for certain, could have been even more intimidating through either excessive backcombing or a very complicated undo, preferably with a few little plaits wound into a big bun. Maybe also some little black snakes just kind of wound into it for the aesthetics of the situation.
Barefeet is a must. The whole about to do a ritual look isn’t complete without them. The department floor is disgusting though, so maybe look into protective charms as well. On the other hand, dirty bare feet is another step up the ladder.
Hmm, what else was on the list? Oh yes. If you can, enchant the shadows to darken and just kind of veer towards you wherever you go, in a vaguely threatening manner. I think you will definitely need to run that by the Boss though, otherwise you might be arrested. That is normally some serious Dark shit.
But really Levansque, if they’re causing you that many problems, I could always take a break and come to…convince them to change their ways. I don’t like it when people piss off my sis-friends.
(just please let me know if, in the spirit of scientific enquiry, any of this gets tested out. I want to take photos of their faces.)
IBRAHIM: It would be fun to disguise myself like that! All the mice would run around screaming. (cackles maniacally) But I hope they’ll come back, though. It’s just too much fun eating their papers in front of them. Or stealing writing machines. Or their lunch.
Ibrahim, s’il te plaît, leave these poor people alone. They’re trying to do their job and I don’t want them getting fired because you ate their reports!
(IBRAHIM shrugs, obviously not really concerned by that fact.)
If madame Levansque learns of this you’ll get yourself a one-way ticket for Hell.
@classicalcassiopeia @elizabeth-graham @am-graves
Your offer is appreciated, Delgado, but I think that any - corrective action needs to come from me. They’re not going to respect the sanctity of paperwork if you step in. And besides, the paperwork issue is fairly easily fixed.
I’m just going to stop correcting them, and pointing out their errors so they can fix their work.
I think they will learn to respect paperwork in short order.
In a month, when their paychecks fail to show up because they didn’t fill the forms out properly and they submitted their work days late. In two weeks, when they come under investigation from Internal Affairs because they misfiled the critical requests sent from one department to another and never responded to the messages marked ‘URGENT’. In a week, when they fail to show up in time for briefings, for training, for meals because they didn’t read the memo describing when and where all of the above was to occur.
In twenty-four hours, when they’re slammed in a holding cell under suspicion of infiltration and impersonation because their access has been revoked, because they didn’t adhere to security procedures, because they fucking misdid the forms.
They’ll damn well start doing their work right then.
No, what I’m worried about is that if they’re that incompetent in something that calls for attention to fine detail they’re going to get themselves fucking killed in the field - where that sort of thing can literally be the difference between life and death. If they’re that overconfident, that unwilling to pay attention to a senior auror (wait, am I still a senior auror? Technically, Grindelfuck was the one who promoted me - now I just feel dirty) they’re signing their own fucking death warrants. I know they’re rookies and a certain number of mistakes is to be anticipated, but I don’t want to have to be the one to process those bits of paperwork.
Thus, my plan of going full-blown Morgana on them.
Scaring ‘em straight is an oldie but goodie.
Current plan is to show up at the office in full war gear - the heels, the coat, jewelry, the works, you know, all the stuff that shows I Mean Business - and let them know that I’m going to be working on something and am not to be disturbed.
And that’s when I dip my hands in ashes, don tattered black robes, take off my shoes, weave my hair into a tangled snarl of strands, charm my eyes pure pitch black, apply an echo-reverb to my voice, and don and Amulet of Issola - it’s sort of a magnet for shadows, makes ‘em reach out towards you.
Knowing those idiots, they’ll barge in on me in short order - I think they’re convinced that I’m all bark and no bite. At which point in time I fake a catastrophic ritual failure due to the interruption, and then emerge from the smoke and fucking go after them. At a dead walk, of course.
…I don’t suppose you could keep me appraised for when the morons head to my the Ritual Chambers, please?
@aethelar
The rest is under the 'operation morgana' tag
I just love the myth of Persephone, i mean the real, original version of it, because it’s not like she got kidnapped, no, this bitch was la-de-da-ing in a meadow and she just happened to find an entrance to the Underworld and she was like “Imma check this out”. And she just wanders into the Underworld and discovers that hey this place ain’t too bad.
Meanwhile Hades is in the background “????? UM??? PRETTY GIRL??? WHY ARE YOU HERE?????? YOU AREN’T DEAD???”
And Persephone (who was originally called Kore just a little fyi) just looked at him and said “I like it here. I’m staying.”
And Hades kinda just went with it, until Demeter started throwing the temper tantrum of the millenium upstairs and Zeus had to intervene because this shit was getting out of hand and its actually his job to be admistrator of justice. Which considering the shit he gets up to is kinda histerical but that’s another story there.
And basically Persephone wasn’t a prisoner or kidnap victim at all she just really loved the Underworld and her (eventual) husband, and the Greeks feared her arguably more than her husband because Hades could be reasoned with but Persephone was the one laying the smack down on sinners, and really, who wouldn’t be at least a little scared of someone who’s name means something along the lines of “the destroyer”
Basically, Persephone is amazing and everbody needs to get on her level
i think the best part of that myth is that Zeus decided to change Kore’s name to Persephone (basically “the one who brings chaos”) only because she wanted to stay in the underworld and SHE WOULDN’T FUCKING LISTEN then Zeus, all-mighty king of the gods, kinda gives up and goes “fine, but you’re going to visit your mom” “also, I changed your name” “get rekt”
Also, if I’m not mistaken, Kore means “little girl” so imagine going from that to “chaos bringer”
I mean, going from little girl to chaos bringer sounds like a p solid deal to me, sign me up.
This may not be the version of the myth that’s commonly known and taught. But is is the original, from before it was altered to scare Greek/Roman girls into submission. Persephone was a badass bitch.
@helveticaes @elizabeth-graham @classicalcassiopeia @aethelar
Delgado.
Delgado…
Delgado….
*hiccups* I’m so, so drunk.
Oh shit.
….
……..
Oh shiiiiit.
C’mon Levansque, let’s get you away from the scary curse books, ok, no one needs books made from…is this real skin? … It is? ……….Ok. Ok, well, uh, you aren’t gonna need that in combination with the…wait is that brandy? Is that Boss’ brandy?! Goddamn Levansque you got balls…..
Anyway, why don’t we just lock it away for a little while so you don’t accidentally..uh….curse all our organs into stone or some shit. Yeah? That sound good? Good.
@auror-delgado
You have to be drunk to read t’History of Feisel, that’s the point! It doesn’t make sense otherwise. Y’need to - bend your thoughts around corners. To think sideways. He was a bad man, Delgado. He was a really bad man. I don’t like him. But Grindels would like him. He’d like him a lot. So that’s why I have to read t’History.
There’re a lot of magics that you can only do when you’re drunk, yaknow. Like - like the Rites of the Bacchae, that’s a good one, or the Appeasement of Ninkasi. But that one’s just about reciting how to make beer in iambic pentameter.
Cake sounds nice right now. I want cake. The good cake. Like marzipan! Carlos gets me the best cakes. He buys ‘em from that little market down from our house. Cake. Are they still open? I think they might be open.
IBRAHIM: (pops out of nowhere to climb on Delgado’s shoulder) I hear someone is doing rituals? How about we invoke Cthulhu? (cackles maniacally)
(IBRAHIM hops from DELGADO’s shoulder to pick up a book, ready for some mischief.)
@auror-delgado @elizabeth-graham @helveticaes @am-graves
*singing*
*turns around alarmedly and points at Ibrahim* No. Just no.
Levansque, if any of those vowels are supposed to go beyond ‘iä, iä’, I swear I’ll hex you silent. Stick to normal songs drunk people caterwaul. Or any songs you like. Just no accidentaly cursing us, okay? Better yet, talk to me. You’re usually the responsible one about alcohol. Did something happen?
@auror-delgado @elizabeth-graham @helveticaes @am-graves
*pauses, squints at the monkey*. Don’ worry, he said he doesn’t like necromancy. But - hey. Heyyy, Ibrahim? D’you know Sashi? She was a djinn, and she liked necromancers. Martala talks ‘bout her in the Nadiir.
I told Delgado - you have to be drunk to read t’History of Feisel! You have to think sideways. And s’like - shock cushions. For reading. Or it burns and burns and burns in your brain like spiders trying to tear out of your skull… *pats Graham’s face*. Don’ worry. S’ not as bad as the Octavo - y’have to fight that one to read it, an’ Melichus’ Nameless is supposed to be really, really bad.
*Waves a finger at Graham and Delgado.* Don’t read the Nameless. …wait. Y’can’t read the Nameless. It read itself an’ burned up ‘bout - eh, long, long time ago.
(YASSA enters the room, looking for IBRAHIM. She finds the small group.)
What’s happening here?
(IBRAHIM hops on GRAHAM’s head, cackling maniacally as usual.)
IBRAHIM: The summoner wants to bring djinn! Ah! Happy day, isn’t it?
Liz tilts her head under the weight of Ibrahim, grimacing slightly as he inadvertedly pulls on her hair in the process.
“Lovely. C’mon, Booky. Did you finish reading or should you get back to it before you sober up.” She does not add the ‘although that will take some time’ that goes through her mind.
“Kit’s drunk, Yassa. She wanted to read a book. It’s…you know what, just don’t ask.”
She looks around for the alcohol. The throbbing in her temple could very well be from the djinn on her head, but she still feels like a drink could help her nerves.
@auror-delgado @elizabeth-graham @helveticaes @am-graves
I don’t wanna meet Sashi, Ibbie. Sashi ate kids. An’ fucked necromancers. Yassa, please don’t summon Sashi? Don’t let Ibbie bully you into it.
Graham, Delgado - the History s’ a recent intake. Head of Acquisitions wanted to know where it should go. Giving my recommendation - s’ going to the High Security Vaults. Feisel was a bad man. Good grammar, though.
Boss has awful brandy, Graham. But it was t’only booze nearby, an’ I had to, or the spiders would have eaten out of my head. Boss can’t get angry at me for that.
Can I have cake, Graham? The good cake, with the marzipan?
Liz suppresses a sigh as she grabs the brandy bottle. Kit is right, the boss’ brandy is awful. Politicans probably don’t even know how to gift good alcohol. For a moment, she thinks about filling a glass for herself anyway, but decides not to and pushes the bottle into Delgado’s hands instead.
“Of course you can have marzipan cake. A really big slice if you want, too.”
She feels the djinn still shifting on the top of her head. “Can you please get down, Ibrahim,” she tries to reach for her most patient voice, “I’d really appreciate that.”
(IBRAHIM cackles and pulls on GRAHAM’s hair.)
IBRAHIM: Ah! You WISHED, motherfucker!
(YASSA lets out an indignant exclamation.)
Ibrahim! How many times do I have to tell to stop talking like a mob boss!
(IBRAHIM seems to pout. He hops on LEVANSQUE’s shoulder.)
IBRAHIM: Let’s get down to business, shall we? Let me invoke the great Sashi!
She killed kids, Ibbie. An’ ate ghosts. An’ possessed people. An’ fucked necromancers. I don’t wanna meet her.
The History needs to go into the High Security Vaults. Lock it down, please?
Ibbie? Can I test my new wards on you? Yassa, can I? *starts scribbling on a piece of paper.* I read a bunch, an’ I think I got something that works against djinn, but I don’t really know what it does. See, this is the Seal of Solomon, an’ this is the Elder Sign, an’ if I add a branching rune here, I can add an anchor rune to the arc and -
@helveticaes @elizabeth-graham @classicalcassiopeia @aethelar
Delgado.
Delgado…
Delgado….
*hiccups* I’m so, so drunk.
Oh shit.
….
……..
Oh shiiiiit.
C’mon Levansque, let’s get you away from the scary curse books, ok, no one needs books made from…is this real skin? … It is? ……….Ok. Ok, well, uh, you aren’t gonna need that in combination with the…wait is that brandy? Is that Boss’ brandy?! Goddamn Levansque you got balls…..
Anyway, why don’t we just lock it away for a little while so you don’t accidentally..uh….curse all our organs into stone or some shit. Yeah? That sound good? Good.
@auror-delgado
You have to be drunk to read t’History of Feisel, that’s the point! It doesn’t make sense otherwise. Y’need to - bend your thoughts around corners. To think sideways. He was a bad man, Delgado. He was a really bad man. I don’t like him. But Grindels would like him. He’d like him a lot. So that’s why I have to read t’History.
There’re a lot of magics that you can only do when you’re drunk, yaknow. Like - like the Rites of the Bacchae, that’s a good one, or the Appeasement of Ninkasi. But that one’s just about reciting how to make beer in iambic pentameter.
Cake sounds nice right now. I want cake. The good cake. Like marzipan! Carlos gets me the best cakes. He buys ‘em from that little market down from our house. Cake. Are they still open? I think they might be open.
IBRAHIM: (pops out of nowhere to climb on Delgado’s shoulder) I hear someone is doing rituals? How about we invoke Cthulhu? (cackles maniacally)
(IBRAHIM hops from DELGADO’s shoulder to pick up a book, ready for some mischief.)
@auror-delgado @elizabeth-graham @helveticaes @am-graves
*singing*
*turns around alarmedly and points at Ibrahim* No. Just no.
Levansque, if any of those vowels are supposed to go beyond ‘iä, iä’, I swear I’ll hex you silent. Stick to normal songs drunk people caterwaul. Or any songs you like. Just no accidentaly cursing us, okay? Better yet, talk to me. You’re usually the responsible one about alcohol. Did something happen?
@auror-delgado @elizabeth-graham @helveticaes @am-graves
*pauses, squints at the monkey*. Don’ worry, he said he doesn’t like necromancy. But - hey. Heyyy, Ibrahim? D’you know Sashi? She was a djinn, and she liked necromancers. Martala talks ‘bout her in the Nadiir.
I told Delgado - you have to be drunk to read t’History of Feisel! You have to think sideways. And s’like - shock cushions. For reading. Or it burns and burns and burns in your brain like spiders trying to tear out of your skull… *pats Graham’s face*. Don’ worry. S’ not as bad as the Octavo - y’have to fight that one to read it, an’ Melichus’ Nameless is supposed to be really, really bad.
*Waves a finger at Graham and Delgado.* Don’t read the Nameless. …wait. Y’can’t read the Nameless. It read itself an’ burned up ‘bout - eh, long, long time ago.
(YASSA enters the room, looking for IBRAHIM. She finds the small group.)
What’s happening here?
(IBRAHIM hops on GRAHAM’s head, cackling maniacally as usual.)
IBRAHIM: The summoner wants to bring djinn! Ah! Happy day, isn’t it?
Liz tilts her head under the weight of Ibrahim, grimacing slightly as he inadvertedly pulls on her hair in the process.
“Lovely. C’mon, Booky. Did you finish reading or should you get back to it before you sober up.” She does not add the ‘although that will take some time’ that goes through her mind.
“Kit’s drunk, Yassa. She wanted to read a book. It’s…you know what, just don’t ask.”
She looks around for the alcohol. The throbbing in her temple could very well be from the djinn on her head, but she still feels like a drink could help her nerves.
@auror-delgado @elizabeth-graham @helveticaes @am-graves
I don’t wanna meet Sashi, Ibbie. Sashi ate kids. An’ fucked necromancers. Yassa, please don’t summon Sashi? Don’t let Ibbie bully you into it.
Graham, Delgado - the History s’ a recent intake. Head of Acquisitions wanted to know where it should go. Giving my recommendation - s’ going to the High Security Vaults. Feisel was a bad man. Good grammar, though.
Boss has awful brandy, Graham. But it was t’only booze nearby, an’ I had to, or the spiders would have eaten out of my head. Boss can’t get angry at me for that.
Can I have cake, Graham? The good cake, with the marzipan?
