im going to say one thing and then i will leave all this behind forever. for the girls who wish to go on tumblr the way i have, or in any way show their bodies and be overt with their sexuality. you can be the most beautiful woman you can be, you’re still ugly as sin. as ugly as the lust you gave yourself to. and im not calling you ugly, not literally ugly. what i mean is no one, no matter how they talk to you or treat you, no one will love you the way you want to be loved. you can speak with someone everyday, all day, about everything other than sex. and they will still only lust for you. you are a placeholder for a wife or a girlfriend. you yourself do not have value beyond sex once you dare dip your toe in these waters. men will eat you. they will crack your bones, suck out the marrow, savor every bite. tell you you can’t go to anyone else but them. make you feel wanted, found and really wanted. but still throw you away. they won’t even see your tears so don’t bother. you were never really there at all. what you think is you exploring your sexuality openly is you bleeding in front of a bunch of sharks and they only want you for your meat. it can be so beautiful, it can feel so so so so real. like you’ve finally- finally come home to something. you cover yourself up, you bear your heart instead to the person. you ask them do you see me? can you see the soul peering through this pornographic body back at you? do you feel my magic the way i’d studied yours? still, as the whore. still as the slut and the body. but inside you, you know is a heart that is trying so hard to reach out to others. to connect and be seen. to love. truly love.
so this isn’t the way. please, heed my warning. protect yourself. i am dead in every sense of the word. i can’t love again. this is worse than selling your soul. if you want to be in love and experience love, do not do this. what i’ve done, who i am on here. it will kill you. i can tell you that i am completely and utterly worthless. i am left with nothing. nothing. not even a halfhearted glance in my direction. not even memories to hold and call my own. all the ‘i love you’s and hours spent speaking with someone and pouring your soul into that person. all of it is gone, i have nothing to call my own. nothing. i was never anyone beyond my body. my dreams, my pain, my innocence, my love. it was never seen, and even when it was, it wasn’t. im in the deepest pits of grief. im in a sea of complete and utter sadness. it’s like being on point nemo in the south pacific. endless emptiness stretches beneath you yet you feel so close to the stars. so close to something special and transcendent and finally yours. but you’re in the deep. you’re forever the ocean. you will never be understood, you will never be able to love the same way again. you will truly and utterly be ruined. not in the kinky way. killed. you may have been suicidal before, you may have seen yourself as just a ‘body’ before, but inside you is a little girl who wants to love and be loved. don’t lie. she’s there. but my dear, please, once she’s dead, she’s dead. this- whatever any of this is- is not worth losing your life. your soul. please, be careful who you talk to on here. but live. live fully. forgive. feel everything as it comes. don’t shrink yourself for anyone, but also be careful about giving yourself away on here. it will kill you. it has killed me utterly. i no longer have a heart. i can’t taste feel see or hear anything the same again. the pain i feel because of the whore i let myself pose as on here is unimaginable. i am completely and utterly alone in this sea. it is the bleakest, hardest reality imaginable. even in all my pain, even as i cry and beg and say i love you so many times- im still not seen. it isn’t my name that’s etched on their lips. and how could it have been? look how i’ve presented myself on here? the body. a body. lust. nothing more.
this. will. kill you. i am speaking from the bottom of my heart, as a girl, this will kill you. even when you think you have it under control. you don’t. they will kill you. protect yourself. try to love your body and forgive it. withdraw into yourself and be with yourself. no one will love you doing this. no one. i promise. i love you, girl reading this. im sorry ive not set a good example. at the very least, heed my warning. don’t let this world kill you.
